[Ahh, this was always one of my favorite things on the stupid website, and it sucks I'm married with kids and had to write it under a fake name, just in case the odd chance my wife would stumble across the site. Now she may stumble across this, but fuck it, we've been married for years so we don't have sex anymore. That just leads to more kids.]
THE SECRET PUSSY
There was once a time when getting some pussy actually meant something. You had to work for it, and more so than hanging out and watching some shitty movie with Julia Roberts or that stick girl with the tits from the Noxema commercials in it. You had to talk shit, pretend to be something you’re not, which means a guy not all about sticking your dick inside of the sugar walls, and go through all the motions. You had to motherfucking sell the angle.
But now, girls fuck a lot. They fuck early in life, and they fuck often in life. Somebody along the way, probably some pornographer low on young chicks to bone in that same mansion he rents for all his movie sets, convinced women that sex was liberating, as men wanted it and you held something over them. So women started thinking by stripping their way through college, or holding pussy over top a dude’s head, they had some sort of Worldwide Power. All they did, though, was make abortion clinics a lucrative business.
Pussy is easy. Guys ride around in vans on porn tapes and pick up chicks to fuck off the streets, just like they were making fun of in Boogie Nights. Kids get pussy. Girls are having sex before they’ve got grass on the field, which used to be what we’d wait for to play ball. Getting pussy is so easy it’s gotten boring.
The thing to get now is ass. You see, it’s all about anal sex.
Girls play it off when you ask them about ass sex, but let me tell you something, all girls love anal sex. All of them. Your mom loves anal sex. All girls love anal sex. The thing is, they know the power they’ve lost, not only in personal enjoyment as well as actual power, by the pussy’s value being lowered by the market being flooded by all these whores. So they keep the anal love on the down low. This is why girls are expected to do anal in porn now, because anybody can watch some flick their boy made fucking some chick in a pussy, but only super-sluts and girls willing to be down with you for real, even if it is a trick on your part, give up the asshole.
You might be with a girl that all your boys have been with, and you all will be talking about hitting her skins, and one of the guys will go, “Yo, I fucked that chick in the ass.” And everybody will get all quiet, because nobody else got to do that. A couple even feel bad because they tried and got denied. The ass is the Secret Pussy.
That’s right, my friends, the Secret Pussy. How much Secret Pussy have you gotten? Are you a Secret Pussy virgin? HAH HAH HA! El Hijo Del Satanico has gotten mad secret pussy, because I remember how to work for the pussy. Young ‘uns expect pussy, since there’s so many sluts out there, and won’t waste time working at it. You have to push the proper buttons to get some Secret Pussy. You have to lay the groundwork, and pretend you care, just like the old days.
Here are a couple helpful hints at getting the Secret Pussy.
When 69ing, it’s always best to position yourself on the bottom, because that’s the laziest position. You don’t want to be exerting yourself too much early on in the encounter. While licking that girl’s cooch, just slip a tongue up to that part between the pussy and the asshole. Usually, they’ll moan. Keep doing that, to feel the situation out. Eventually, the girl will shift her body and be forcing the Secret Pussy downwards for you to flick your tongue at. If you are grossed out by licking a girl’s asshole, you are an idiot. You have eaten nastier shit in the last 24 hours. Have you ever thought about what a factory looks like that cans your vegetables or processes your meat? It’s way grosser than that girl’s asshole. And if she has shit on it, you shouldn’t be messing around with a nasty bitch like that no way. An added benefit of the shift of her on top is that now she will be coming from a higher angle to bob up and down on your dick with her mouth.
Another helpful hint is to get into the doggy style position. When in this mode, suck your thumb real good and rub it on her Secret Pussy hole. Sometimes, they’re afraid to let on to you about the Secret and they’ll act like it did nothing, but usually they’ll be caught up in the moment and they’ll moan heavy and start pushing back and forth harder. If you can work your thumb in there, you’re in good. Though this grosses me out as well, because you can feel your dick moving around with your thumb, but there’s womanly body parts in between those two appendages of yours, and I think about porn flicks with double penetrations, and it creeps me out to think of feeling some other dude’s dick moving around, even if it was buffered by female body tissue.
And the greatest thing about the Secret Pussy is that you can’t get a girl pregnant there. Sure, you can get sexual diseases, but what the fuck, we’re all gonna get a disease eventually, and I’d rather get it having sex than eating undercooked pork or some shit.
Secret Pussy is great. If you are dating a chick right now, and she is not at all about giving up the Secret Pussy, then she doesn’t really care about you. She’s saving it for someone she knows deserves it. And if you are getting the Secret Pussy, congratulations. It rocks, doesn’t it?
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