#1: Indianapolis Colts (7-0)
(last ranking time #1) The Colts are great and all, but they're totally gonna get destroyed by Tom Brady and the Patriots this week. Peyton's gay-assed audible calls from the line with Tennessee theatre major overemphasis are no match for Tom Brady's no-nonsense Joe Montana-esqueness. And I bet Rodney Harrison has a long full game as well.
#2: Atlanta Falcons (5-2)
(last ranking time #4) Ol' Michael Vick complained about not being allowed to be a QB, then threw 7 touchdown passes in the last two weeks. I bet he keeps that up and totally throws a ton of TD passes and they stomp the Lions out of control style gonna be stupid how bad it is, because the Falcons are totally legit the best team going in the NFC to challenge the Bears.
#3: New Orleans Saints (5-2)
(last ranking time #3) Apparently, the Saints are America's team now, because nothing is more American than getting totally fucked-up by something you have no control over, but then you can still make a flashy run of things briefly before reality sets in and your life gets as shitty as it always was, regardless of natural forces of a negative or positive nature.
#4: Carolina Panthers (4-4)
(last ranking time #5) Without Steve Smith, the Panthers are doomed all the time completely. With Steve Smith, they are only doomed every other week. Jake Delhomme, if I remember tenth grade french correctly, his name means "Jake of the Dude", so they'll always be semi-successful, I would imagine. One of the local AM radio sports stations is a Panthers affiliate, so I'll just be driving along and there'll be a panther roar and then like the team trainer will say "You're listening to piece of shit Charlottesville crappy AM 1304 and a half, home of the Carolina Panthers and shitty dude who follows ESPN paid programming at four o'clock."
#5: Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3)
(last ranking time #2) Seems like the Jags have set themselves up to perpetually be one of those teams that might suck, but might not, and yeah we'll go to the playoffs, but we won't do much with that, except every now and then we make the conference championship, but that's about it. That's the Jags, in a black QB's jockstrapshell.
#6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)
(last ranking time #6) They won a couple of them real quick-like, but still suck. Yellowman Sims had his spleen ruptured with tackles. Now they've got some Polish dude quarterbacking who has done well, but fuck, it's the Buccaneers. They snuck in and won a Super Bowl one time, but they're back to mediocrity forever and a day.
#7: Houston Texans (2-5)
(last ranking time #7) Mario Williams, the super-touted great draft pick of this year, is finally getting sacks. Big shit. A team that has been this shitty since their inception a few years back is a shame to the hometown pride that guys like Lil Keke and Mike Jones and OG Ron C have displayed for a while. I blame it on the shitty colors the Texans chose, as well as the name. They should change it to the Houston Rap-a-lots and make their team colors gold and black with platinum numbers and face masks. I bet they'd win a thousand Super Bowls like that. Plus, make Bum Phillips their coach, if he's still alive.
#8: Tennessee Titans (2-5)
(last ranking time #8) They beat the Redskins. Vince Young may have won a national championship with the University of Texas last year, but I don't think there's been a better retardedly named quarterback in football as Colt McCoy since Billy Joe Tolliver retired. If Colt McCoy ends up playing in the CFL, I will get a satellite again, because seeing a guy named Colt McCoy play for Saskatchewan or whoever with a weird geographic name still has a CFL team, that's some dumb shit that's worth the price of TV overload, so long as I have money left over to buy marijuana to encourage the proper enjoyment of said stupid TV.
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