Harpoon Winter Warmer

AFFORDABILITY: A seasonal fauntleroy beer, thus it's not very affordable from a crumbling economy perspective. I think this bitch was like $9 a sixer. 1 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I will not front, this is one of my favorite fancy fucker beers. When we lived in Oregon Hill after having the first baby, and the godless Hindus ran the neighborhood store every day of the year, I remember both Thanksgiving and Christmas walking the alley the three blocks up there multiple times on both days to get just one more 6-pack of this shit. I think it's probably a myth that fancy beers have higher alcohol content than shit beers, something to make fuckers who aren't rich (like me) wasting extra money on something unnecessarily feel better about their frivolity. But I know, if I could afford it, I'd drink this shit all night long. I actually went out of my way to find this shit, at a new Whole Foods in clusterfucked Short Pump. Anybody who knows me knows how much I hate going in Whole Foods, and most likely were I ever to get mental health care, I'd be on xanax right away to deal with my white knuckle worries I get in such places. Yet I willingly went in to try and find a 6-pack of this when the Kroger by the Home Depot across the street didn't have any when I was buying some new sanding discs. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Simple Christmasy label, makes me feel good. I am trying to stay in simple man mode for this Christmas, ignoring the consumer extravaganza it's become. I've got three kids, two of which are old enough to make a list of like 3000 things they'd like to get, but hopefully we can temper that with some charity work or something. Fuck all this buying everything everywhere. People need to remember how fucking good they have it. Most of this useless shit I end lusting for is just that - useless. Of course, I say all the self-pretentiously while talking about a $9 six-pack of beer I drank. 3 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Harpoon Brewery, of New England fame. The label promises breweries in Boston and another somewhere in Vermont. I'm not much for New England, but I've learned from travelling there, it's not that different from what I know from experience. You just replace Mexicans with Puerto Ricans, and everybody not only actually says all the letters in words, they enunciate them rather sharply, probably because of the cold. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: It fills me with warm feelings for the holidays, whether that be actual holiday or just laying out of work because it's raining, and playing music loudly with the kids dancing around and a crock pot full of pot roast, enjoying my home. Fake Gods bless us, one and all. 5 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 & 2/5 STARS!