Jamaica Brand Red Ale

AFFORDABILITY: I was bedazzled by their 6-pack box looking like some sort of early-'90s Grateful Dead homemade sticker my wife would have put on her trunk. But it was over $9 a 6-pack, and my carefree world of holiday spree has come crashing back down to earth in post-holiday bills, with little work booked for the next two months while it's too cold to work outside, so not only is this an unbearable price, but fuck man, what a stupid fucker I am. Negative 1 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: The Jamaica Brand Red Ale is a bitter ale, and therefore I think I drunk one, maybe two. Not enough to put a cobra clutch on my tolerance level. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Rasta colors on bright yellow background, with a heart surrounded by a booming star, all done simplistic style like a hippie girl dreaming of following String Cheese Incident in algebra class would doodle and then color in at home with her art school level colored pencil set in a tin case while she was all high as fuck on dirtweed with her lava lamps plugged in and warming up, that one first thick sphere of wax just starting to float upwards. So even if it corny by today’s jaded hipster hodgepodge internet doofus standards, I have a fetish for hippie girls - I have often said it’s the bright flowing skirts but I think it might actually be the hairy conkshells - so I have to give this label mad love... one love. 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Hahaha, it’s made by the Mad River Brewing Company of Humboldt County, California. That’s almost too stereotypically goofy to be true, but it is. And the 6-pack box even had suggestions of nice river trips you could take in the area. Hilarious. I hope I get the braid in the hippie pie. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: My initial innocent joy at the goofy naiveté of the Jamaica Brand Red Ale was pretty quickly overridden by my cyber-hipster “LOL stoopid hippies” internal meme... yet now I am filled with regret. Can it be it was all so simple then? 2 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 1 & 3/5 STARS!