Kirin Ichiban

AFFORDABILITY: The Kirin Ichiban tall can ain't as cheap as say PBR tallboy, but it does come from Japan. Pushing near $3 a tall can, this is obviously not an alleyway special, sitting on milk crates trading illuminati-laced freestyles with a couple dudes you been smoking angel dusted joints with. But it should be. Why must we limit ourselves economically, and create these stereotypes of finance we live inside of? 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I only drank one, and it gave me a mighty head thick with looseness. I don’t drink like I once did, but still to have such a virginal drinking experience after over two decades of drinking degeneracy with deep dips and kidney-aching mornings that start at 10 am at the struggling ass earliest, it was a pleasurable feeling. There’s nothing like the first time, except when you can trick yourself into feeling like it’s the first time again. Damn, that should be an ad campaign for some bullshit. 5 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: There is no greater label aesthetic possible. This tall can reads, at one spot, “A mythical beast that is half deer and half dragon, the Kirin heralds good fortune. And great beer.” And then there’s some beer bullshit. The second spot of that text on the can is covered up by a dragon tail partially so that it reads “The good and great in Ichiban’s single-press process” and goes into the rest of the beer awesomeness bullshit. It is subliminal, sublime, and perfect. There is Jap talk characters as well, which I can’t read of course, being the Japanese Dexter Manley I am, but big black Orientalized characters on a white background is the ultimate tightness of illiteracy. This is the most greatest tall can design ever designed by humans being. 11 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Again, as the label reads, it be saying, “Brewed under the strict supervision of Kirin’s brewmaster by Anheuser-Busch, Inc., Los Angeles, CA.” It seems that most grass roots Jap shit that makes popular in the America is NorCal based, usually around San Francisco, and the more business-based bullshit making a run into the American wallet is set up around Los Angeles, whether that be beer or mixed martial artistry or bukkake porn or car drifting. This makes me distrustful, and the addition of the whole Anheuser-Busch dynamic like quadruple mega mass funkicides that. Those people can’t be trusted for shit. Even when I take my kid to Busch Gardens, I type up a letter in an envelope that says, “When opening this agreement and by reading it with your eyeballs, you waive any right to absolve yourselves of any medical bills and civil suits resulting from any injuries my children substain in the normal enjoyment of your amusement park. In no way do I intend to create imaginary financial gains from the proper enjoyment of your creations, but should bad things happen to my bloodlines due to your engineering negligence, you guarantee proper compensation, as decided by a jury of my peers, meaning regular people, where we get triple the veto power of potential jurors, because I know how you people work, with your lawyers in snakeskin suits carrying their writs and all. This includes all internal organ manipulations from physically wacked out rides, that sometimes cause far more trouble, long-term I’m speaking of, than just an upset stomach.” 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I am not the one to doubt the power of the half dragon half beast alcoholic beverage. The tall cans are right purty, and it gave my brain a fuel injection of ARGH. My compliments to the chef, whoever the Ichiban dude is overseeing the brewing shit in Los Angeles. Also all this talk of Ichiban makes me want to Rest in Peace MC Breed. 5 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 5 & 2/5 STARS!