RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition who publishes zines & physical books & electronic books & music & photography & digital art & just generally whatever feels necessary to survive this deluded earth thru Rojonekku Word Fighting Arts survival systems (Version 69, establish 14 Feb 1973). Comments encouraged.

Thursday, March 24

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Sweet 16 Thursday

We are down to the Sweet 16, mostly major teams from power conferences, with your normal healthy sprinkling of mid-majors with double digit seeds to disrupt the bracketed proceedings. Tonight's match-ups are not as wacky as tomorrow night's, and the dudes who have pulled weight in the tourney before are definitely stacked into tonight's schedule. Let's get at it and you scope them out with me as we take a little walk through the fourteen student-athletes who have compiled the most NCAA tournament points over their collegiate career to this point, including this year...
#1: KYLE SINGLER (Duke Senior forward; 191 points in NCAA tournaments, 24 this year) - I am of the belief Duke is a Hitler basketball camp run by Mike Krzyskeszykili, who is a fucking asshole who has held it together by having a strong sports information department and being successful. Probably after he has retired and died, all the stories will come out about what a complete and utter dick he has been during his supposedly unparalleled coaching career. And people who root for Duke, what the fuck is wrong with you? That's like rooting for babies to die slowly. Anyways, Singler is this year's resident Dukie whiteboy superstar, who looks amazingly zombie-like once he breaks a fat sweat. I will be rooting so heavily against Duke every minute of every game they play until they get dropkicked out of this bitch. I do not care for Pac-10 teams in general, and Arizona is probably one of my least favorite of that gang, but I will be pulling hard for the Wildcats tonight, in the late game, as CBS milks the Duke popularity to the fullest. And once again, fuck the NCAA and this multi-channel bullshit. Fuck you NCAA.
#2: NOLAN SMITH (Duke Senior guard; 175 total tourney points, 33 this year) - Smith is the prominent Uncle Tom on Duke this year (and last). I know former Duke black dudes took offense to the old Fab Five at Michigan calling Duke's black players Uncle Toms. Well, maybe they shouldn't be so fucking white all the time.
#3: SHELVIN MACK (Butler Junior guard; 155 total tourney points, 45 this year) - Man, Shelvin Mack has been laying the points in this tourney thus far, and even though Pitt was a pretty weak ass #1 seed (haha, the Big East representing this year, ain't they?), a #1 seed not making it through the first weekend will always be somewhat of a shocker. If Butler can knock off Wisconsin (not unlikely at all) and BYU can continue to roll, this will set up a Southeast regional final that will make old racist white people everywhere happier than fuck. Of course, they have these two games to set up that potential match on TBS, because white people always have cable or satellite. (But Duke is like white people's favorite team ever? Man, this is a banner year for racists being able to watch college basketball comfortably.)
#4: JIMMER FREDETTE (BYU Senior guard; 152 total tourney points, 66 this year) - I might not mind Jimmer Fredette so much if it was nothing more than the normal racial undertones of the loveable white basketball player going on, because shit man, this is America. White people want to feel like they are still awesome at shit that poorer, darker people very obviously do better at on average. So any time a guy like Gordon Heyward last year or Jimmer Fredette this year gets big time shine, people are gonna be pulling for him, because he looks like something they might've made with their DNA. But damn man, every game you watch with Fredette, the announcers are fucking slobbering all over his dick the whole game long. Last week, one of the old ass announcers was talking about Jimmer's brother making a rap song, because he's a rapper. I know this whole frat rap thing is allegedly taking off, making me want to smash bottles on the face of far more people than ever before who have semi-notable amounts of pop cultural fame, but some old ass white dude talking about some chump ass white guy in the crowd at a basketball game where some dumbass white kid is taking 3-pointers from the half court line like it ain't no thing... I don't know, it sickens me. It's not a white guilt thing either; it's just so over the top that it's embarrassing. I hope Jimmer Fredette gets his ankle broken. (By the way, did you know the real reason that Brandon Davies was kicked off the team was Jimmer Fredette felt uncomfortable with Davies' penis size in the showers? Yep, and this is Fredette's team. Davies will be back with BYU next year, suspension served, Jimmer graduated, and the little spoiled star will have his way. Again.)
#5: MATT HOWARD (Butler Senior forward; 114 total tourney points, 31 this year) - Howard is this year's Butler whiteboy sensation, an inside presence, who was there for the whole championship game run last year. I mean, I hate to sound like a cornball, but it's hard to write these dudes off, even with Gordon Heyward gone. They are a solid team, in a true team sense, not a "future NBA star in waiting with some other guys" type team. I'd like to see the mid-majors (BYU and Butler) knock off the higher-seeded major conference teams (Wisconsin and Florida) tonight, to set up that white people's dream game. Last weekend, in the third round, there were only three games that matched power conferences against non-power conferences, and the lesser-prominent team won two of those three, most notably this Butler team's win over the Pitt Panthers.
#6: KEMBA WALKER (Connecticut Junior guard; 102 total tourney points, 51 this year) - Of all the major conference teams, with future NBA stars in waiting, this guy here is the most dangerous one. It's strange how some guys like John Wall last year for Kentucky come in as a one-and-done candidate, and you just see how they are on a different level than everybody else. Some guys have to bide their time to get that shine, but still get it before four years are done. That's Kemba Walker this year. There's nobody else like him still playing.
#7: JON LEUER (Wisconsin Senior forward; 88 total tourney points, 41 this year) - Fucking big ass cornfed whiteboy - that's Big Ten basketball.
#8: JACKSON EMERY (BYU Senior guard; 55 total tourney points, 24 this year) - Backcourt tag team partner with Jimmer Fredette. Not sure if I actually explained what soaking was where Mormons don't have sex by sticking their penis in a vagina and just chilling like that, without moving. I wonder if they do soaking double penetrations? Or soaking blowjobs, just sitting there. At one point years ago I had this thing going on where I had to give my penis a soak treatment, so I'd mix up this special healing water in a quart jar and stick my penis into it, stuffing my balls into the jar as well. Just hanging out like that, warm water all around my nether zones, usually my penis would get hard, until it was poking at the bottom of a jar. I have never measured my penis in any proper method, but I know it's one quart jar long, although that's a kind of stuffed in there distance, and I don't know the precise scientific method for measuring penis size.
#9: KENNY BOYNTON (Florida Sophomore guard; 52 total tourney points, 25 this year) - Only a sophomore, which means Florida was in the tourney last year, but I missed it. I don't really like Billy Donovan much; he seems like a lower budget chump version of Rick Pitino. My alma mater - VCU - has cherry-picked it's last two head coaches from Donovan's coaching bench, so I can't completely hate on the guy I guess, but something about him just rubs me wrong. He made his name off of having a pretty solidly unmatched recruiting class of four NBA first rounders complemented by that white dude who could hit 3-pointers, and he won two national championships with them. But beyond that, he's done nothing, except make the Sweet 16 this year. I don't know, Florida's just such a football school that I feel like it's not cool for them to be successful at basketball. It's like they're fucking it up for someone else.
#10a: JORDAN TAYLOR (Wisconsin Junior guard; 52 total points, 23 this year) - I don't know. I actually left him off the list and went back and adjusted bullshit after the fact so no one is probably even reading this.
#10b: ERVING WALKER (Florida Junior guard; 51 total tourney points, 39 this year) - I don't feel like talking about Erving Walker because today I was wearing a throwback Julius Erving high school jersey with embroidered numbers and shit that is yellow with blue numbers/names. I have a pair of carpenter jean Levi's I got at the Rugged Warehouse in Cville before they closed down (meaning my ability to ball on a budget has been drastically altered), and I can never find the right combo of waist/length pants, so I cut the ends off of these, so they get that rough edge like pirate light style. But the blue in the pants matched perfectly the blue in the jersey, and I've dropped like 30 pounds, and put on my clean ass sneakers that I only wear when I know I'm not gonna walk in pig or chicken shit. Man, I was looking tight as fuck, and knew the ol' lady was gonna knock some boots. Then I cooked up a wacky dinner of homemade focaccia bread, made some raita sauce because I've been all about eating celery and cucumbers mixed in yogurt lately, and hooked up some ground pork from last year's pigs but spiced it up like lamb kefta all Pakistani style. Shit was tight as fuck, and also funny because any peoples on this earth who would be apt to eat a meat spiced in kefta manner would not eat pork, ever. Thought about how my kids love dal, so I whipped up some orange lentils in a pan too to hook up the easy soup-ish dal as well. I kept having to take off my jersey to not get cooking oil on it or flour, and then I'd feel stupid because what's the point of looking all pimp if you can't do what you need to do? Also, who the fuck is gonna see me looking all good and shit, other than my wife? Oh well. We are humans, and completely tricked out in our brains by the things we are trained to be trying to do.
#11: RONALD NORED (Butler Junior guard; 50 total tourney points, 5 this year) - "Ronald Nored" sounds like a mean kid in one of those children's books that you read when you are in 3rd grade, moving beyond picture books into chapters books that have a long series. Ronald Nored is like Judy Moody's antagonist or gets in the way of Encyclopedia Brown solving a mystery or some shit.
#12: KAWHI LEONARD (San Diego State Sophomore forward; 49 total tourney points, 37 this year) - Kawhi Leonard is the really awesome guy on the team you've never heard of this year. Because of how the brackets break, and being Duke will always be on CBS over TBS, San Diego State will get to play on the national TV Columbia Broadcasting System tonight in the early game, against Kemba Walker. They are the higher seed, but I do not look for them to run things.
#13: NOAH HARTSOCK (BYU Junior forward; 49 total tourney points, 23 this year) - This isn't even a real name of somebody. It can't be. But BYU is like a not-real team. Even their coach looks like he's Bill's partner in Big Love. Mormonism is a terrible terrible world.
#14: DERRICK WILLIAMS (Arizona Sophomore forward; 39 total tourney points, all of them this year) - I am listening to "Decisions Decisions" by Goodie Mobb over top a Muggs beat right now, so I'm not gonna put any effort into this last blurb and instead I'm gonna go sneak around the back end of my property to fantasize about where I'd put an anti-aircraft gun. It's a shame you can't buy big weaponry like that. How are we freer than those other places we are supposedly bringing freedom to when they got guys with shoulder-held rocket-propelled grenade launchers? I don't have one of those, nor can I even get one, due to that seven months in Western State Hospital. Man, I was only trying to avoid going to for-real jail. Once you get in the government paperwork, you can never get back out.

No comments: