Anyways, what I did was tabulate up the overall W-L record of every team in the Bowl Championship Football Subdivision (or whatever the fuck they call Division IA now in marketing pretendery), and here will be a list of the top 14 teams with the best record over the past decade, and later today there will be a companion list of the worst 14, because every stupid thing on this earth has a perfect companion; I read that in the Bible, or my grandmother told me that, or something. Maybe it was at the beginning of a Lifetime channel movie I watched once while high, and then Meredith Baxter-Birney got domestic abused and had some sort of cancer and a missing child but it all came together in the end, because she had a perfect companion. Thus I'm big on companions. But here are your 14 bestest teams, if you go purely by the scientific factoid of winning percentage over the past ten seasons...
#1: BOISE STATE BRONCOS (114-16, .877 winning percentage) - Boise State is the perfect example of what is wrong with college football, both to their credit and their detriment. First, it is utter ridiculousness that a team that has had two undefeated seasons in the last five years against Division I competition should have to justify a chance to play for a National title. But the fact college football is run by a bunch of conmen corporate lobbyists and the bowl system means there is not, and probably won't be a playoff system. This means the little schools like Boise State won't get a chance, even if they are undefeated. They jumped to the Mountain West Conference, hoping to join up with fellow small conference powers Utah and TCU, but Utah bolted to the Pac-12, and TCU is sharing space with the Broncos for one year before joining the Big East (for whatever reason). It's still a step up for Boise State though, who has made their reputation in a lackluster conference. Seriously, when you see the list of crappy teams, like half of Boise State's old conference mates make up that list. Not to mention the complete bullshit of having blue turf and blue uniforms and how that's an unfair advantage, plus looks stupid as fuck. They've built their underdog reputation on a bully's philosophy, where the deck is stacked and you play weak ass opponents, so even though they play the "oh poor us, we deserve a chance against the big boys," they are using that same big boy cut every moral corner to achieve victory as the big fish in their little pond.
#2: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (106-22, .828 winning percentage) - I'm not a big fan of power conferences running shit, but I enjoy SEC football for it's brutality and excitement, and I enjoy a good Pac-10 game for its different style of play. I even enjoy the classic Big 12 match-ups. But I cannot stand the Big Ten. It is slow and plodding and boring, both in uniforms and mentality and everything. Ohio State, for me, personifies that boring, outdated bullshit from yesteryear, that peppers their roster with half-witted gangsta dudes to try and pretend they are as good as the SEC. The thing I don't understand is this whole "trading gear for tattoos" scandal that SI exposed, which seemed to me a very non-scandal. Like I would expect that at every school. I would expect you could find dead bodies and raped women galore around Columbus, if you actually wanted to look around.
#3: TEXAS LONGHORNS (106-23, .822 winning percentage) - I have not felt the ju-ju of doing these blurbs so fuck actual commentary that cares about college football. I like Texas for some simple reasons, despite their famous pedigree (although I root against them whenever they have gay fantasy QBs like Colt McCoy or Chris Simms). They were the home to Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, and Earl Campbell. Their fans do the sign of the devil, and because of this one time there was a picture of newly elected President George W. Bush doing the devil horns while wearing a ZZ Top hat. I thought that was pretty awesome. I mean, it would've been more awesome if he hadn't have been the fake figurehead to help fuck up this country entirely to prepare it for the end of the American Empire, but hey, ZZ Top is pretty awesome, so that makes up for it all.
#4: USC TROJANS (105-24, .814 winning percentage) - There is not a more despicable college athletics program than USC football. From the ugly red to the yellow trojan logo to the honorable tradition of not having names on the back of their jersey to the paid players who helped run Pete Carroll back into the NFL before the hammer fell on the post-Reggie Bush era. Whatever happened to Lendale White? That dude was awesome. I always thought he was like Ice Cube from Boyz-n-Tha-Hood, growed up and playing football. Also, it makes me sad all Samoan players - whom I tend to love - either end up playing at USC (if they like pussy) or BYU or Utah (if they like Mormon Jesus). Seems like we should be offering those people more choices in life by now.
#5: OKLAHOMA SOONERS (109-26, .807 winning percentage) - Oklahoma is a pretty depleted place, that I find it hard to believe one of the nation's best programs is there. Really, after the pilfering of the Big 12, which is back down to 10, after being the Big 8 forever, it's really just a case now of Texas & Oklahoma and their sorry little brothers. You feel kind of bad for the two of them, because they probably could just jump to somewhere else and the conference would crumble, but they didn't. And then Texas A&M snuck in the back door to the SEC, which also is funny, because now either Oklahoma or Texas could be that even numbered team to go to the SEC and leave the other one hanging. Or both could go. I really don't care; but Texas A&M vs. Arkansas showdowns seem more like big Southwest Conference games than SEC games. This means I'm old as fuck.
#6: TEXAS CHRISTIAN HORNED FROGS (98-27, .784 winning percentage) - TCU going to the Big East next year is the dumbest of all the geographically challenged team moves, especially considering the Big East is a pretty declining conference when it comes to football anyways, to the point if somebody cherry-picked West Virginia, there'd be pretty much nothing left. Plus, TCU is going to have to travel three of four states for every opponent possible in that conference. UConn/TCU showdowns just don't really do it for me on paper. I wish all the non-BCS conferences jumped into a regulation system like Euro soccer, and like the best 8 teams from all those lower conferences over the past two or three years would form a super little conference each year, and newly successful teams could move up or get dropped if they started sucking. Off the top of my head, I'm not sure how great even that would be, because it would be like BYU, TCU, Boise State, and I'm not really sure anybody else from the non-BCS conferences are that good. So I guess it's a stupid idea.
#7: LSU TIGERS (102-29, .779 winning percentage) - I like LSU. They have pretty uniforms, and I don't mind the fact that half their offense beat up some dude outside of a bar, because it was apparently over a girl, and also because I expect them to be thugged out because they are Lil Boosie's favorite football team. Lil Boosie will probably be the first rapper to end up getting executed for being a gangsta. And yet his voice sounds like a cartoon got hit in the nuts. But that's what happens in Louisiana - you set your own style, your style is not set for you by others. That's why LSU has always had such swagger.
#8: FLORIDA GATORS (98-32, .754 winning percentage) - Did Urban Meyer actually retire? I think he tried to once but then didn't and then maybe he did, but I don't know for sure. I do know that ever since that Ron Zoot dude (or whatever his name was) that every time a major college football team hires a coach that the retarded fan base doesn't like, somebody rushes onto godaddy to register the "firestupidcoach.com" domain and throw up an angry picture and start a message board. I have dabbled in message board culture, and it's a pretty decrepit underpit to America's cyber pop culture, but college football message boards, all about one team, man they are the worst. And there's one for EVERY team, even the worst ones. There are people on a Florida International football message board right now, being all pissed out about something completely inconsequential. Which ultimately that's what the internet's best at - making us emotional about some dumb shit that doesn't really matter.
#9: VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES (99-34, .744 winning percentage) - I always pull for in-state teams, and Tech has been the closest this state has ever gotten to competing for a national football championship at the top level in my lifetime. I was so geeked for that Virginia Tech/Florida State title game where the black Mike Vick was juking motherfuckers constantly. One time, I accidentally met Frank Beamer in a Starbucks. He was on a recruiting trip and right behind me in line and I thought it was him, but the dude was tiny as fuck. Then when he placed his order, I realized it was actually him because he had a big, gaudy ass championship ring of some sort on his finger. So when he came over to put sugar and cream in his coffee like me and like any god-fearing Southern man who knows that chai lattes and crap like that is a stepping stone towards anal sex, I told him that I had friends down in Blacksburg, and they really appreciated how he put the school on people's radar. He said thanks, and then I left thinking about how he exploits the raw athletic talent of wild, underprivileged negroes, and makes millions of dollars a year to do so, and I felt sad for this world, that something like that would be respected.
#10: UTAH UTES (92-32, .742 winning percentage) - Utah, much like Boise State, has thrived in a lesser conference. Now they be all up in the Pac-12, and I ain't gonna lie, I'm excited about Pac-10 football this year. I watched that Oregon/Oregon State game at the end of the year last year, and it was rivalry fury in effect, plus Oregon State had those pimp ass matte black helmets, and I think the Pac-12 did good, although I wouldn't have taken Colorado into my league, even though it matched the big state school philosophical blueprint. The Utes are still flying high from Urban Meyer's earlier building dynasties talents. Urban Meyer is the most brilliant man on earth. If I met him at a Starbucks, I would totally be like, "Hey Urban Meyer, let's make small talk because you are famous."
#11: GEORGIA BULLDOGS (96-34, .738 winning percentage) - Out of all the teams that made this list, Georgia surprised the most. I know they are good, but they've not been on top of the SEC outright at all, but I guess they are consistently near the top. Still though, they've not contended for a National title like other SEC heavyweights on this Bully List of the past decade. They do got some big, scary ass country boys - both black and white - down in Georgia though. I've been in some situations down that way, making trouble along back roads.
#12: AUBURN TIGERS (93-35, .727 winning percentage) - I find Auburn a boring and reprehensible football program. It was sad to see Cam Newton's bought and paid for services help them win the title last year. But I guess people in Alabama ain't got much except for overweight children, a barely functional literacy, and a dark sad future where they max out their credit cards at Wal-Mart Supercenters every year up until they get their Earned Income Credit refund when they tax return come in.
#13: OREGON DUCKS (89-37, .706 winning percentage) - The Ducks have more uniforms than some conferences have in their entire history. It is a running sports meme joke, but really, that doesn't get at the ridiculous stupidity of it all, being it comes from the Nike dude just trying to drum up merchandising anyways, and help tie it to his stupid alma mater. I am cool with where I graduated college, and I'd certainly give them some shine where there any reason for me to have shine of my own to give out to others, but I wouldn't try to force corporate marketing bullshit overload on folks to brainwash them into thinking my old school is the real deal. I might give them acid though and tell them how cool it was, being I sold a lot of acid while I was in college. Tripping acid too, not like concrete etching acid or body disappearing acid like Mexican drug cartels use or anything. In case you were wondering.
#14: WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINEERS (88-38, .698 winning percentage) - West Virginia is a consistently good football program that never really gets the love from the other power conferences, mostly because no one ever clamors for the prestigious West Virginia market, and there ain't no high profile recruiting going in there. But if you were wanting a solid program, they'd be your team. I was always disappointed the ACC didn't take West Virginia in instead of Boston College, because it makes more sense geographically and rivalry-wise, as the yearly West Virginia/Virginia Tech games used to be great. But college football ain't about making sense, it's about making money bro. (Yeah, I could've done "making dollars" but it was too obvious, plus made me think of DJ Quik, so now I just want to wrap this up so I can go listen to some DJ Quik real loud in the other room. So let's end this.)
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