RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition who publishes zines & physical books & electronic books & music & photography & digital art & just generally whatever feels necessary to survive this deluded earth thru Rojonekku Word Fighting Arts survival systems (Version 69, establish 14 Feb 1973). Comments encouraged.

Tuesday, November 27

NFL WK 13: South division teams

(NOTE: I wrote all this shit last night after Sean Taylor had shown signs of fight and squeezed the docs hands, but you probably saw he died by now, and I didn't want what I wrote to seem all dickish and shit, because it wasn't. But I wouldn't have wrote it how I wrote it had he died, but I also am not the type to change shit around after the fact either, other than to add this intro note. I only knew Sean Taylor as a football player, meaning everything I knew was filtered through home team media bias. But the dude from all accounts had really changed since he had a kid with his live-in girlfriend last year. You can't really say he changed though, as he came from a well-to-do family in the first place, not the projects or some shit. Apparently, he's lived in the same area since becoming a pro and the thing a few years back when some dudes stole his ATVs was never resolved outside of him having to plea bargain, and most likely not be allowed to have guns anymore. Like five minutes after he confronted those people with pistols back then, which was played up like crazy in the media as a sign of what a thug he was, his SUV got sprayed by an AK47, which was never hardly ever reported as far as I can remember. And before this shit where he got shot and died, someone had broke into his house like ten days ago as well. The point is, for me, he's just a football player, not my cousin or some shit; but it's also fucked up that some dude all young with a kid reshaping his world view and giving him some frame of reference to do things with the opportunities he earned and was granted in life gets gunned down in what police seem to be speculating may be a continuance of fucking petty grudges based on materialistic bullshit. I feel bad for his family but mostly his girlfriend and 18-month-old kid who had to be there to witness the shooting in their own bedroom. Even the fact Taylor had his 18-month-old daughter's crib in his own master bedroom with him and his girlfriend, for me, shows how the guy was nothing like the selfish thug he got made out to be at times early in his career. It's just another fucked up story of how trifling we have become as American assholes and how we have less value for human life than we do all the shiny things.)
Two opposing forces of football player are in my thoughts and delusions right now, both sort of anchored in the Miami area controlled by Rick Ross and his crew of cocaine cowboy assassins that will snatch German tourists from speeding cars on the freeway and trade them to MS13 members from El Salvador as sex slaves for pure cocaine smuggled up from Bolivia (for more information on that, consult your local internet service provider, plus maybe the library and shit). First off, as my beloved Redskins continue to perform half-hearted breakdowns of mediocre motivation as if their coach was still Norvell Turner, the one punisher Sean Taylor gets blasted in the dick by a shotgun-wielding home invader. The prognosis for a return to football dominance is not good when the doctors are stoked that dude responded by squeezing your hand, showing he wasn't completely brain dead from blood loss. And on the other side of things, Ricky Williams makes his return to the NFL, and I think already got injured. Still, honestly, I care about a Ricky Williams as a football player more than a Sean Taylor. Don't get me wrong, Taylor is awesome, and I would never wish ill will on anybody, especially some bullshit like what he's going through, but the mega-million moody superstar as opposed to the perennial fuck-up who detours through year-long drug suspensions north of the border is just no comparison. Football is a fucked-up sport historically, and guys like Ricky Williams are the backbone ot that shit. These modern day genetic (growth hormone) freaks in Under Armour gear, for me, are not so much football as cyborg ignoramuses engineered to be exploited for sport combat. Now, I have no problem with people being exploited for entertainment, and in fact, good business pretty much means everybody gets exploited to a certain extent that keeps them personally content as well. So fuck it. But when it comes to football, I'd rather have weird asses and nutjobs as the posters on my kids' walls than some dude with nutritionists and personal trainers and all that nonsense. I'd like to think the perfect linebacker drinks a 12-pack gameday morning, and the perfect quarterback has paid for an abortion of the child he planted in the either the coach's daughter or owner's granddaughter - whichever is hotter and more seedworthy - in order to keep things kosher in the locker room. For me, football is dudes who end up broke as fuck but have hilarious stories to tell while you share cocaine with them in a Super 8. Fuck athletics. That's for the goofier froufrou sports that make the Olympics and Jews used to dominate. Athletics is universal and has those marble statues with little dicks from Greco-Roman times. Football is American, in fact it's as American as anything that might exist. Wild individuality somehow forced into the concept of a team where all these wacky spirits come together to move an oblong "ball" across arbitrary lines. All this genetic freak muscle-bound crewcut super-athlete bullshit, that's some German engineering shit, and there's nothing American about some German engineering type bullshit. What I'm saying is I hope Sean Taylor gets better my thoughts and prayers if I believed in things to pray at go to him and his fam and all, but football is meant to be won by like 50 Ricky Williamses, not 50 Sean Taylorses. And I wish all football coaches felt this way, although I'm sure they all secretly do, and when successful follow this belief but employ great P.R. staffs that help gloss over shit like Tom Brady knocking up mad super models or Rodney Harrison doing HGH.
Anyways, here's the stupid South division teams ranked, wrapping up our third time working through the divisions this year. Even I am amazed I have made it this far.

#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-2, #2 overall) - The Colts already felt the Super Bowl curse of having all your middling free agents signed up to high dollar contracts because every general manager in the NFL who has never won a Super Bowl believes all he needs is one dude to come into the locker room and flash his ring under everybody else's nose and all of a sudden the sad pack of losers he's slapped together will get fired up like the Bad News Bears in Japan all of a sudden. But on top of that, the Colts are getting injured the fuck up. And somehow they've still only lost two games. I expect that to grow though, as they will be a player but not the unbeatable by year's end, since this year is designed to put over the Patriots in NFL engineered finishes, and the Colts are kinda sitting on the shelf to perhaps come back into public consciousness next year, or maybe they are a Steelers team meant to win a single Super Bowl to spike fan interest in an old franchise (albeit the Colts pretty much sabotaged all their old fans when bailing out of Baltimore), to keep jersey sales healthy and growing and the NFL coffers full of shiny shiny gold bars.

#2: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (8-3, #5 overall) - The main reason I could never hate the Jacksonville Jaguars is that there is no other coach outside of Jack Del Rio who looks like he would drive an old Porsche Carrera, do a lot of coke, and fuck fat chicks who are kinda hot in a "What can I say, I had Chinese eyes." I do not know how many DUIs Del Rio has (nor do I feel like looking it up), but I can guarantee he'll probably be a modern era leader in that category by the time he finishes his NFL head coach run in Jacksonville and probably a retread gig or two as well. One other thing I love about the Jaguars is that I am a fairly healthy football fan - I watch shit every week and read the papers and shit - and I could probably name maybe five or six Jaguars at the most.

#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (7-4, #6 overall) - I'm sure there's some folks who would suggest Jon Gruden might also make a run for most chinky-eyed fat chick fucking head coach, but those folks would be misguided. Gruden is more one of those cocky self-important Napoleon types who liked to rape the Mexican retarded girl in high school and to this day has a twinkle in his eye and he moans out a mimicking imitation of her “NOOO... ES MALO, ES MALO!” retard cries. You don’t get all scowly-faced at such a young age like Gruden is unless you take far too much joy in other people’s personal sufferings, because when you see so many people walking around in public not obviously suffering, it fills you with misanthropic laser waves from your brain that point ahead toward your third eye, which physically forces the muscles behind your eyebrows to squinch to force those neurons back into the brain’s mainframe. It’s scientifically certified.

#4: TENNESSEE TITANS (6-5, #10 overall) - In an opium-like fervor from smoking some wild lettuce resin I harvested earlier this year, I laid out the tea leaves under a red light in my hobo camper that I do all my important creative endeavors inside of, and conjured up the future of the Titans. I was saddened to see that the overblown hype of Vince Young actually not being a good-natured simpleton but a potential Super Bowl MVP QB is what eventually causes the good-natured and football-intelligent Jeff Fisher to lose his job in Tennesssee, as owners in today’s star culture are almost forced to side with the multi-million dollar quarterback over the ten-year tenure head coach until the bitter end. (See Dan Reeves/Michael Vick in Atlanta.) Also regarding the Titans, I am saddened that Pacman Jones’ snitching for a lesser sentence did not cause the white dudes who make those arbitrary working decisions for their NFL field negroes to not allow him to come back and play this year. What more can he do? It should also be noted that your potential college football championship game contender the West Virginia Mountaineers is where Pacman played in college, and they are a very underrated college program for creating thuggish ruggish outlaws to flame out in the NFL. I think it’s West Virginia’s wild and wonderful nature. And I guarantee you Pacman would’ve known better than to try that fake make it rain shit in one of West Virginia’s total nudity strip clubs because there would be no law involved, just a squirrel shot blast from the double barrel-wielding dude named after pork by-products working as “bouncer” in his dress jeans, button up pin-striped shirt, and nice leather vest, pretty much the same outfit he wore to his second marriage.

#5: HOUSTON TEXANS (5-6, #20 overall) - It’s sad that in their short existence, the Texans have already reached that status of “Oh shit, they’re almost .500 for once!” I am confused as to whether anyone cares about them or not. I mean, I know Texans love them some football and also love them some themselves meaning Texas. But the Cowboys sort of encompass all that without the corny ass “Texans” nickname, not to mention the faggy NFL Europa uniforms. If anybody had any sense, especially with all the retro jerseys the NFL is so stoked to parade out all the time, they should’ve just gone with Houston Oilers and tweaked the colors to separate themselves from the Titans as much as necessary to keep it acceptable. “Oilers” symbolically taps into that retarded Don’t Mess With Texas pride just like “Cowboys” does. I guess with this team being created after 9/11 changed everything forever, NFL image shapers don’t want to seem to idolize fossil fuel consumption or some shit.

#6: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (5-6, #21 overall) - People will blame the NFC as sucking, but really it’s the NFL’s shoddy “parity” that allows for a Saints team that came out the gate 0-4 and not really all that impressive since then to be only one game out of a wild card berth at this point in the season. Seriously, this shit is like NBA bad, where two-thirds of the league gets falsely hyped to make the playoffs at the end of the year, creating that engineered bullshit sense that “Anyone could win it all!” when in reality, let’s be honest, there’s like three teams that could actually win it all, and maybe another three teams that could get lucky and beat one of those teams but not probably. At least this year we have a couple of actual good teams that could actually win it all instead of just having like six of the “could get lucky and beat one of those teams” battling it out for the championship, like the Giants/Ravens Super Bowl. What a piece of shit that was. To make it worse I was hanging out at some ultra-white ass people’s Super Bowl party (the bitch of that couple was friends with my wife back then and shit) where nobody actually gave one-third’s of a shit about the football game as much as how so-and-so made her seven-layer bean dip or what was what’s-his-face gonna do to try and get out of his second DUI in three years? As a football-watching fan, that was a personal career lowlight, and I think in the last twenty years, that along with the Super Bowl where I got bailed out of jail the morning the Steelers’ Neil O’Donnell gave it to the Cowboys were the only two I have remained stone cold sober at. The Steelers/Cowboys one was because I got arrested for drunken driving a gay man home and then questioned rather rudely about some sort of unsolved bludgeoning murder that I matched some bullshit description on, and then I found out I had a couple of outstanding warrants for failure to appears on shit they failed to let me know I should appear abouts. That Giants/Ravens Super Bowl was because I was immersed heavily into creepy white peopleness of the suburban type, which I am lucky to have grown up impoverished enough to avoid. I was waiting for those people to pass around a hat where the men all dropped their car keys in and the women pulled one out and that was who you had to have sex with. I hate parties like that because scrawny redhead chicks with freckle tits always end up pulling out my keys and for me, scrawny redhead chicks with freckle tits are uncut devil DNA fleshed out with vagina tricks to confuse issues even worse.

#7: CAROLINA PANTHERS (4-7, #24 overall) - Man, the Panthers are terrible. They have not won a home game all year long (but have a tough test at maintaining that unblemished futility this week with the lowly 49ers flying cross-country to Charlotte), and they’re quarterback collection is like you played franchises mode in Madden with a draft but forgot to get quarterbacks until the 35th round. Billy Jake Delhebert is gone to injury, and they’re left with career failure David Carr (who was half-crippled by Dom Capers’ lack of offensive line in Houston previously), Vinny Testaverde (who is only four years younger than my mom - no shit, and I’m almost 35), and some other young dude who I think used to pitch for the St. Louis Cardinals or some shit (and who must really suck ala Kyle Orton to not have at least been thrown into the mix in this shuffleboard of any body able they currently have going on). I bet Steve Smith doesn’t even car to get his cleats customized airbrushings anymore this year. I mean, what’s the fucking point? It’d be like putting 26-inch rims on an Escort with mismatched quarter panels.

#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (3-8, #26 overall) - Hey Joey Harrington... remember when you were a superstar blue chipper at Oregon and they bought a giant-assed space in NYC for a painting of you larger than life to campaign for your Heismann Trophy potential? You were huge man, and every piece of pussy on campus was wet for your touch. Now look at you... you somehow eke out two wins in a row for a hopeless franchise with a rookie coach and you still get benched so they can see how the half-gimp never-was they picked up off the QB scrap heap mid-season works out. I feel for you Joey. But keep your head up kid... at least you are not Ryan Leaf, and you could probably get a complimentary lapdance or two at most Atlanta strip clubs, even the kind of “lapdances” where the meaning is roughly translated as handjob while you feel on my fake tits, but no pinching or twisting, at least not for free.

Wednesday, November 21

NFL WK 12: North divisions teams

I've been sleeping better lately since I flipped the mattress over after the cat shit all over the top side one weekend, so I've been remembering my dreams a little better. Usually, I have these recurring themes, and I've been having dreams dodging different types of authorities and having to piss forever in shitty stalls in the same abandoned school building for years now. Lately, the theme has been warring factions, one led by Afrika Bambaataa and the other by Jay-Z, and I'm kind of a renegade dodging them both because I want to be down with Bambaataa's clan, but they always try to shoot at me when we see each other, and Jay-Z is always cool but I think he's a chump in my conscious mind, so I don't want to roll with him either, so I play it loose. The other week, I had to kill Salt-n-Pepa, but my only weapon was a sickle, so first I killed the big dark one with blonde hair, but a sickle's blade is curved so I had to pop my wrist when striking like flicking a wet towel at someone, so that the curved blade didn't get stuck in her ribcage. Unfortunately, I had to kill the light-skinned one (who has always made me want to shoop, if my understanding is correct and that means mad tittie-licking leading to anal sex under Christmas lights) too, which sucked, but whatever, I was just trying to survive fake sub-conscious rap wars in an abandoned school building in my dreams.
Anyways, the other night, completely out of the blue, I had this weird ass dream where it was like fifteen years from now and I was commissioner of the NFL, and what I had done - all this was laid out in the newspaper I was reading as I sat in the luxury box at whatever the fuck Redskins stadium is called - was expand the league by 8 teams, but they were in two levels like Eurofag soccer bullshit, with 20 teams in level A and level B, and the best 8 teams in both levels made the playoffs, but the 8 in level B play the first round of the playoffs, and the four teams that win get moved up to level A the following season, but then have to play four of the other teams, then those teams play the four who got byes, and blah blah blah... you can figure out the rest of the playoffs. Anyways, there were also four regional leagues of 10 teams each for players from the age of 18 to 25, which had contracts with the major 40 teams for player development. My son (I don't have a son, but an undetermined sex baby coming in January) was a young promising retard special teamers linebacker crazy type on the team from Roanoke. Anyways, I was in the owner's box for a Redskins game, who were in the level B playoffs round trying to earn their way back into level A after what I figured was another 15 years of shittiness continuing on from today, and I was sitting there as the commissioner with Dan Snyder and some other stupid fuckers, some of whom were my assistants or whatever. And the Redskins QB was Michael Vick, like 45 years old and shit, and still trying to do his scramble shit, so they were losing like seven yards every play. And Snyder would be like, "Fuck, they were offsides! Why won't those guys block for Mike? What the fuck!" And Vinny Cerrato was there beside him like a little dog sidekick with a high-pitched voice going, "Yeah boss, why ain't they call that offsides on the defense? They ain't blocking right either, is they boss? You should get some blocking dudes next year boss, that's all you need boss and you'll be the king..." on and on. The Redskins were playing that Orlando team that was on that Coach sitcom, and getting crushed. Dobber was the coach now, and Jon Gruden was his offensive coordinator. Anyways, the Skins are getting crushed, and Snyder and Cerrato and me and my two assistants are the only ones sitting in the box, and they're driving me crazy and pissing me off on top, so I look into my jacket and there's the sickle. So I just stab the shit out of Snyder like 38 times in 12 seconds. Cerrato looks at me worried, then scurries off towards the big wooden exit doors so I fling my sickle like a ninja star and nail him in the back of the head. Just as he hits the floor, the door opens up and John Riggins comes in, and goes in his redneck ass voice, "Gnarly dude." And I guess I'm kinda freaking out when he looks at me, and he comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "My dad's a CIA agent. He's got an awesome set of tools. I can fix it." And we sit down and he reaches into a cooler under the table and pulls out two Old Milwaukees, handing me one. My assistants are standing there shocked, and as we pop the tops on our beers, Riggins says, "You know, we're probably gonna have to kill these two faggots too," and then we laugh and watch the last few minutes of the Orlando Breakers blowing out the stupid level B Washington Redskins.
Anyways, here's the teams of the northern divisions of the game of the egg professional American league...

#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (9-1, #5 overall) - You know who's not even remotely fucking funny? That fat stupid Frank Caliendo fuckface. Haha, he does a funny Madden and says "Favre" a lot. That dude has his own TV show now, which is ridiculous to me. It's like the Mexican kid I used to work with who made us all laugh at lunch one day getting his own TV show because of that shit. And actually Chino would be a good show because they could show rap videos and then Chino would yell, "PINCHE CHANGOS!" and then talk about how awesome the goat futbol team is. On the serious tip though, I have convinced myself the Packers vs. the Patriots will be the only worthwhile Super Bowl, and Favre can have his last hurrah as Brady puts him over on the grandest stage, and Favre will go off into the sunset and be an ambassador for catfishing the rest of his life. I bought some chicken livers today to put in the turkey stuffing and every time I buy chicken livers, I think back to high school when me and my boy Chuck would take acid and go catfishing all weekend long. That was good times. Simpler times, where all you had to do was borrow five dollars for gas money from the stupid bitch you were dating so you could make it home, driving drunker than fuck, to sleep in the second bedroom in your dad's trailer, which was where you stashed your weed anyways. And you were probably gonna have to pinch off a quarter bag anyways to sell to some young ass prep faggots so you could have some MGD and Absolut Citron money for the next week or two. Good times man. Brett Favre seems like he knows a thing or two about all that, which is why I can't hate him even now, because that goofy grin he has is not because he's in love with the game of football linebacker mentality love of the game greatest ever or anything, but because I'm sure he thinks pretty regularly, "Whoa... awesome, I'm fucking rich, and I ain't had to really do shit, ever."

#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3, #10 overall) - I like how the Steelers one week will look like the only team as good as the Patriots, and then the next week they'll lose to some shitbag collection of scab players like the Jets. Roethlisberger is like a more extreme Neil O'Donnell, taking them to higher highs (a Super Bowl trophy) but able to drop more depressing low marks, although with far less completions to the wrong team, to his credit. Two dudes I used to roll with and live together with and shit during some very creatively-formative self-abusive years were both Steelers fans, so I kinda took them in as my favorite non-Redskins team. I wish they'd rock the throwback helmets I've been using in these write-ups though. That shit would be tight with their road white jerseys, and then they could rock the black jams at home in the black jerseys. I don't like how the NFL is only concerned about merchandising all the time. Like teams will have seven different alternate jerseys in five different colors, but where the same gay-assed helmet every week, all because people don't buy helmets.

#3: DETROIT LIONS (6-4, #11 overall) - Shit man, Thanksgiving games, ever since Barry Sanders retired, have sucked because it's gonna be a shitty Lions game followed by being forced to watch the shitty Cowboys and senselessly root against them to no avail yet again. This year though, the Lions/Packers game might be fun, and actually has playoff implications. The early game's the only one I really catch though, in glimpses as we cook up some shit in the kitchen. By the time the late game comes on, we're playing records half-drunk with everybody arguing over gravy recipes and shit. Gravy is some stupid shit. I like just filling a coffee cup with turkey grease from the big pan and put a spoon in that bitch and serve up some turkey grease coating for whatever I think might need some liquidous assitance into my fucking gluttonous intestines.

#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (6-4, #13 overall) - Wait. Wasn't Romeo Crennel a defensive coordinator under Belichick or do I have that shit backwards? Because the Browns are nothing but offense. It's good to see The Soldier Kellen Winslow Jr. is finally having an impact in the NFL, too. Cleveland seems like a shitbag place where all the small-town superstar dirtbags from across the top and eastern half of Ohio congregate towards to try parlay their life into being a small dirtbag in a big cesspool that I just can't get behind Cleveland actually being a successful football team. They seem like the background to about 7000 Charles Bukowski-wannabe short stories rather than the building blocks for a great contending football team. I actually heard some dude on the radio say the other day that he thought the Browns would be playing for conference championships in 2008. Hopefully, that's not as stupid as it sounded to me, because some Belichick/Crennel coaching family drama might actually be fun to watch.

#5: CHICAGO BEARS (4-6, #16 overall) - What kind of piece of shit Kyle Orton must be to not be included in the Bears' scrap heap quarterback rotation. The Bears building of a powerful offensive line blocking for shitty quarterbacks, an underachieving running back, and a receiving corps led by a second-rate Keyshawn and a fourth-rate Willie Gault, seems kinda backwards and shit. Still, as shitty and hodgepodge as they are, they're almost at .500 in today's NFL. I know the goal is parity and all, but fuck, all this shitty football is gonna start to wear thin after a while, and make the NFL as boring and useless as the NBA. I mean, seriously, if you took the Patriots away from the league, would there be any teams really worth being all like "Oh shit, that's the motherfuckin' team right there!" Then again, we've also had weird uneventful Super Bowls like Tampa Bay vs. Oakland and Baltimore vs. the Giants in the past decade. Call me old school, but I kinda like the idea of teams building up levels, becoming a playoff team, then a contender, then championship material. Not this 14-2 one year, 6-10 the next, or every team actually having a chance amidst the overall clusterfuck of competition through free agency. I think salary cap should be suspended for players you draft, and the draft should go back to 12 rounds. That way when your player wants to test free agency, if you want to, you can overpay him more than any other stupid team without it affecting your salary cap. I mean, fuck, you drafted him, he's yours. Players have too many rights nowadays. They should be slaves, beaten into each other for millions of dollars that they waste on shiny things until they are concussed into uselessness, all for our entertainment.

#6: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4-6, #21 overall) - Adrian Peterson, super destroyer of the NFL at a rookie's age, has his knee tweaked out in a way usually putting people on the shelf for like six weeks, but insurance salesman Brad Childress keeps acting like it's week-to-week, him being the same guy who had tried to not pay a wide receiver because he went home to his mom's funeral or some shit like that. Brad Childress is awesome. I hope he forces Peterson back in too early and like his leg snaps in half and in the post-game press conference when the shocked and awed reporters are all like, "Do you think it was bringing him back to early that ruined his career?" asking their stupid reporter shit to try and coax the obvious answers out, but Childress just shrugs and is like, "Fuck it, we still got Chester Taylor. That Peterson kid was kind of a punk bitch anyways. Did you ever see the car he bought?" and then he does that Fred Sanford hand gesture for people of questionable sexual orientation. Well, I guess it's not so much questionable as not the answer you feel most comfortable with.

#7: CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-8, #25 overall) - At the beginning of the season, there was some contest to help design an end zone celebration for Ocho Cinco, who has ended up playing like it was him and not Vince Young on the cover of Madden '08. T.J. Houshmanzadeh has done pretty well though, having scored a touchdown in every game up until recently. The Bengals should start marketing him instead of Johnson, doing bad stereotype publicity photos of Houshmanzadeh riding elephants around in some Johnny Quest's homeboy headgear. Chad Johnson, when he rocked the blonde mohawk and gameday gold teeth, was pretty much an evil gang member from a Jackie Chan movie, so fuck, they might as well do it with T.J. too. They could make their team marketing campaign Hot Latina Sluts Suck Raven's Dick Daily and I'd still hate them for one major reason - Cris Collinsworth. First off, I guess if his parents had him spelling his very-regular name in such a douchebag way as a kid, I probably can't blame him entirely for ending up such a pretentious shithead. Still though, this motherfucker is on the football TVs FUCKING CONSTANTLY, all smiling like a Republican Congressional candidate, and making his whitebread wisecracks, and basically ruining all halftime reports, pre-game shows, and post-game wrap-ups he takes part in. And see, that's the problem right there - I'm all hahaha at some Hindi dude on an elephant or an ignorant ass black dude with a gold mohawk, but the real threat to my peace of mind is the seemingly normal yet asshole-by-nature white guy, sitting right there all along.

#8: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-6, #26 overall) - The Ravens have really crumbled nicely this year, playing far below what their record would lead you to believe. Shit, they lost on phantom recalled field goals last weekend. I think the fitting end to this season for them would be for Ray Lewis's friends to stab Brian Billick to death in a Baltimore gay bar, then Bunk Moreland deems it self-defense since him and Ray Lewis used to go to the harness races together. I'm not sure if they have harness racing tracks in Maryland or not, but outside of National Bohemian beer, Maryland has always seemed to me like the biggest piece of shit state ever, full of all the homo shit that the forty-five mile long truck stop that is Delaware won't allow, so I kinda figure they must have harness racing there. What kind of failed human being do you have to be to end up being a professional harness racer, sitting in one of those low rider chariots getting dragged around competitively by fucking horses for a living?

Thursday, November 15

NFL WK 11: East division teams

Football season is in its most appropriate moments right now. High school football is in playoffs mode, college rivalry games are coming up (including a Virginia/Virginia Tech game where they're both ranked for the maybe like the second or third time in my life going into it), and the NFL is past the halfway point now, where there are obvious playoff teams, teams jockeying to buy their mediocrity another year in the same direction, and shitbag teams deciding to start rookie quarterbacks nobody ever heard of because what the fuck do you have to lose at this point? On a personal level, I am amazed I have made it this far with a stupid internet project, being usually I start out strong, thinking "haha, let me share my retarded notions with the anonymous world," and then about halfway through I remember what fucking type of time-wasting fat fruits are the kind that peruse the internets all the time, so any ego-stroking responses I get are the online equivalent of having a really freckle-faced 300 lb. chick who works at the convenience store flirt with you. Even at that point, I'll have a me vs. the internet world mentality and write a bunch of disparaging shots at you anonymous faggots. Obviously, that is where I'm at right now. Either I get a second wind for it or I flame out, probably the middle of December will be the real deal to tell. Anyways, fuck you...

#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (9-0, #2 overall) - Seeing how smoothly Tom Brady operates under the most vile of working conditions, and how he is in fashion mag cologne ads and was privvy to the tuck ruling back in the snowy days of yesteryears, I have begun to wonder how much covert science activities the CIA has going on at the University of Michigan. His blank gaze is like the robotic Germans that Sgt. Rock (or Sgt. Fury) would kill like a motherfucker back in the days when comic books weren't shrink-wrapped for posterity in basements after a one-time reading with tweezer fingers, yet Brady is attractive enough to knock up mad super-models. With all the war shit being kinda overlooked by the public at large, but that Presidential bullshit cranking up for next year with lots of people acting like they gonna be Democrat until they have to actually pick a black dude or a white bitch over the more acceptable white dude (I googled it, and white dudes have won all but one Presidential election, and Abe Lincoln's wispy hair and dark skin has been challenged in some corners of the internet as falsehoods), it seems to me that the Patriots seemed destined to win in some sort of blazing glory of Republican awesomeness. Like, Brady already sat with Laura Bush at one State of the Union lecture, so I can see like him and Belichick coming out endorsing Mitt Romney or some shit, and that being what puts him over the top with Mr. Everyday Joe Lunchbox. Obviously, in this equation, the Colts and Dungy and Manning are the Democrats (Dungy - light-skinned and palatable to white America equals Barack Obama, and Manning - much-ballyhooed second fiddle prominent in Tennessee equals Al Gore), and I would guess the Cowboys are like Ross Perot, if we were lucky enough to have a Ross Perot every election. And remember, when you root for the Cowboys (or any team for that matter), it's just like hoping the Patriots beat the Colts come playoffs time.

#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (8-1, #3 overall) - I don't know if I said this last time or not, but lately the running joke inside my brain is how Wade Phillips is Ralph Wiggum all grown up. So as much as I hate the Cowboys, it's hard not to laugh seeing ol' Wade standing over there, picking his nose, or jumping up and down emphatically after a touchdown, saying, "We made touchdowns on the grass boards!" Also, I am figuring this year is like that good year T.O. had in Philly, where he was standing around in a cast at the end and shit, so I will take this good run from the Cowboys, knowing that with Jerry Jones being their owner, a useless stand-in as coach, and T.O. on the team, the mix is about as perfect as it could be for them to suffer paralyzing suckiness for the next five years. And let's face it, Tony Romo is Kurt Warner 2.0 if there ever was one, except Romo doesn't have a ring to buy him an extra five years of stealing paychecks from stupid NFL owners in the lesser homes like Arizona or Oakland or Minnesota.

#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-3, #7 overall) - The Giants can't make up their mind. Do they want to suck and get Tom Coughlin fired, or will they tough it out and be a scrappy NY Giants wild card team to lump in with all those other scrappy wild card teams that didn't do shit in the end? I know their secondary is worse off than when you lose like four dudes in Madden, so I would assume eventually everybody would realize you can just stack the line to block that menacing tribal warlord sounding defensive line, and then just wait to find somebody open twenty yards downfield. There's some dude who was named Will Peterson who used to play secondary for the Giants who plays somewhere else now, and dude actually changed his last name to William Joseph to escape his past there. Not to something Islamic or hippie or anything, but straight up just turned into William Joseph to put that shit behind him.

#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-5, #10 overall) - It seems almost ridiculous to me that with as many teams are struggling to find even a halfway decent piece of shit quarterback to hold down their starting spot, that the rumblings are about Donovan McNabb being pretty much done in Philly. But I guess with Coach Andy's drug emporium and McNabb being not good enough to win a Super Bowl, the Eagles are ready to go back to rebuilding with their aging secondary and offensive triple threat of Bryant Westbrook rushing, Bryant Westbrook catching a pass out the backfield, and Bryant Westbrook recovering a fumble. McNabb being on the open market would create salivating madness with QB-less otherwise-competent teams like the Ravens, Bears, and Panthers as well.

#5: BUFFALO BILLS (5-4, #14 overall) - The Bills have distanced themselves from the rest of the pack of suck that the non-Patriots AFC East is, and the sports columnist meme is THEY ARE ONLY TWO FIELD GOALS AWAY FROM BEING 7-2! But they play the Patriots this week so we will see whether or not they are actually worth a shit and on-the-rise or just cherry-picking the weak competition the NFL seems pretty fucking content to deliver on a massive basis nowadays.

#6: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (5-4, #15 overall) - Again, I am a Redskins fan my whole lief, and it makes me uncomfortable to say what I am about to say, but Joe Gibbs is a big part of the problem with the Redskins right now. I think he's done well at putting together a kooky menagerie of throwback mentalities, although he's traded a ton of draft picks away for shitty people (Brandon Lloyd, the fact your season is over after your 2 catches for 14 yards is sad... what's that like, $100,000 per reception yard?), but the real problem seems to be an inability to motivate fucking players to play past halftime. I mean, that Jason Campbell kid looks good in the way a young QB can give a long-suffering fan hope that he won't drink his liver into cirrhosis before his team makes it to a Super Bowl again, but these guys just seem to be flat as fuck late in games and blow it in retarded lackluster ways. I have a three-fold hope for the Redskins future: #1 - Gibbs gets some cushy President of the team gig or some shit, so he can be a Hall of Famer and hand out Christian pamphlets and do funny interviews with Sonny Jurgensen and keep the team aware of their successful past; #2 - Bill Cowher is brought in to whip these unmotivated fucks into shape, and hopefully we don't lose our d-coordinator in the process because he's pretty damned good as well, in fact if Cowher is keeping himself on the down-low for another year, I have no problem with Gregg Williams as head coach, and #3 - Dan Snyder's private jet disappears over the Atlantic, never to be recovered, with Joe Gibbs as acting owner in his place until they can resolve all that shit legally since no body was ever recovered and presumed to be ated by sharks or whales or porpoises or them glow-in-the-dark jellyfish that look like tangled nightmares.

#7: NEW YORK JETS (1-8, #30 overall) - Last year, Eric Mangini was a coaching genius. Not so much now. The thing is no football coach is a genius ever, not even Belichick in all his overhyped sweatshirted glory. There's this guy named James Castle who was from Idaho and he was retarded and couldn't speak well, but he wanted to do art, so he used scrap paper and his own spit and soot from a fireplace to make charcoal-ish drawings of some wacky awesomeness, for a long ass time until his family found all his shit and just started passing him around and giving him scrap paper to draw on. That dude's more of a genius, even though retarded, than any football coach ever.

#8: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-9, #32 overall) - The Dolphins starting quarterback is a dude I've never even heard of, and I buy those preseason NFL yearbook shits every year. This is worse even than when they started a Jewish dude from an Ivy League school a couple years back (as opposed to like 1932 when that might've made sense since the Jew was the pre-eminent athlete back then). On the plus side, Ricky Williams got re-instated, but stupid Cam Cameron is acting like he might not bring holmes back. How can you not bring Ricky Williams back for the rest of the season? Who else would fans pay to come see at this point? And last I saw him, he looked like a loveable poetry writing homeless black Vietnam vet. Every football team needs a dude like that, they are a rock solid type that gives our individual community fabrics a nice thick weather-resistant comfort. I would say the only way the Dolphins won't lose every game for the rest of the year is for them to have Ricky Williams firing up the youngsters. Also Ricky Williams back in Miami with a lifetime suspension hanging over his head for another piss test failure is a great reality show just sitting there waiting to be made.

Sunday, November 11

NFL WK 10: West division teams

Many times, sports-loving sucks from the west coast will get all indignant about an east coast liberal jew media bias, but with this year's NFL halfway through the season, there is no doubt that the west coast sucks. The only team worth a shit west of the Mississippi is the best team in the NFC East - the Cowboys. This means we have another eight weeks of lackluster 4 pm games (eastern time, of course) before we get to the playoffs. I guess that big overhyped Pats/Colts showdown was the bone they threw us before some wonderful Chargers/Chiefs showdowns to stay at .500. Nonetheless, here are your western divisional teams from both conferences, ranked amongst themselves only, which gives shit a decent shine in a few cases...

#1: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (4-4, #15 overall) - I have a new NFL hero in Jared Allen, the QB-sacking flicktard who has helped fire up the Chiefs defense with his high-powered goofy awesomeness. He had to serve a substance abuse violation suspension early in the season, and that's when the Chiefs straight up sucked (Larry Johnson was out, too), but then when he got back, all of a sudden they were stifling motherfuckers (up until last week against the Packers). Allen rocks a mullet haircut, and in an interview he kicked it like this (paraphrasing, because I ain't looking it up, but I read it in the newspaper the other day, and everything in the newspaper is absolutely true) - "Look up here (pointing at his forehead), this says 'success'. But look back here (pointing at his mullet), this says 'party'. Which one are you gonna get? You don't know." And this was his explanation as to why he's leading the NFL in sacks right now.

#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-4, #19 overall) - Again, allow me to reiterate how mediocre mentality gets deeply entrenched into a Norv Turner team. This is why the Chargers look like they could beat the All-Time All-Madden team one week, and then lucky to score a touchdown the next week. Wild fluctuations and lack of living up to potential, that is their destiny for the foreseeable future. I love how people were hyping them up as the 3rd best team in the NFL at 4-3, and then they let that Adrian Peterson kid run for like 1000 yards in one game. Dude earned his rookie incentive bonuses already because of that game.

#3: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (4-4, #21 overall) - What the fuck is up with Shaun Alexander sucking? And why do I always think Mike Holmgren is just Andy Reid with hair and walrus DNA injected into his ass? Also, I recently made mashed potatoes with sweet yams, and my kids asked what it was called, and I said it was lofa tatupu.

#4: ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-5, #24 overall) - You know what? I already could give a shit less about the Cardinals, but when you make their star player stupid born again grocery bagger Kurt Warner, then I will care even less. I had a Jesus dude stop by my house today, as my kids were playing in the back yard. They came running into the house, "Daddy, someone's here." I figured it was the stupid old dude who holds my mortgage coming to bug me because I hadn't paid my mortgage this month yet, acting like I'm his kid or some shit and bugging me with his old ass tales of insurance payments and the wife having asthmatic pneumonia. But no, it was Jesus people. Dude goes, "We're just stopping by everybody's house asking about their relationship with God," or he said Bible or Jesus or some shit. I cut him off, "We're content in our spirituality," which unfortunately intrigued him since he said everybody else was indifferent, so he asked me about us and the bible and I explained we weren't Christians but definitely spiritual and started talking about how many different texts we use for morality and we understand there are unexplainable bullshits and all, and I started talking about some of the Zulu Nation's 7 Infinity Lessons, and the dude was genuinely intrigued just to discuss religion. I think he was shocked anybody gave a fuck about religion. I cut him off and had to roll though because I knew our discussion wasn't gonna lead to drinking together by the river in a fun way, and he didn't look like he had any good kook pamphlets in his hand, so I was done. I had half a fried egg sandwich left in the kitchen to eat.

#5: DENVER BRONCOS (3-5, #25 overall) - One day, the Broncos team plane will actually crash into the Rockies and I'll feel bad for having wished it and even made little Pedro Serrano-esque curios for that effect, but until then, I will wish daily during football season that the Denver Broncos' team plane wreck into some mountains, hopefully with John Elway on board. But not Bill Romanowski. That dude is awesome and really, if my mentality ran the entire world, he'd be a well-paid motivational speaker for corporate events.

#6: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-6, #28 overall) - Sometimes, without cable, I will be watching bad sitcoms like Girlfriends or some shit really late at night, and one of those commercials where some hot slut talks about how she's staying in to talk to people on the phone because she's a slut comes on. Instead of wanting to call one of those phone numbers, I usually google image search something like "hirsute big naturals" or "40 inch ass white bitches" or something awesome like that, and masturbate the fuck out my dick. It amazes me that somebody would actually spend money for phone sexiness nowadays. I guess there's still tons of fucking losers in this world.

#7: OAKLAND RAIDERS (2-6, #29 overall) - The fact Sebastian Janikowski is still kicking for the Raiders makes me hate illegal immigrants. Also all the degenerate transplanted Mexicans who have married beautiful white women and made little mixed babies to further corrupt our pure American society. Even taking government jobs from hard-working multi-generation Americans. I mean, the blacks are okay, because they built this country more than anybody. But the Mexicans? Fuck them. Used to be when they cut the grass on the side of the road here, it was some American people for VDOT who had an agreement they parked their tractors in our side field and would bush-hog it for me as well. It was a neighborly agreement. Now, they hire contractors, and the stupid Mexicans who work for every sub-contractor in America now chopped our giant yucca plant at the edge of the front yard down, which was surrounded by blackberry bushes that had grown wild. We got like two gallons of blackberries off them motherfuckers this year. No more blackberry pie for my children, because of the stupid Mexicans. I thought those motherfuckers ate yucca plants anyways... why would they cut my shit down. I put up a plywood sign though that says "NON! PINCHE PENDEJO MEXICANO PUTOS!" but with those awesome upside down exclamation points at the beginning as well because the Mexican language has retarded punctuation.

#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-8, #30 overall) - Steven Jackson is back from his compressed vertebrates, behind a patchwork offensive line, to probably get paralyzed. He was the first dude my fantasy team auto-drafted since I don't care enough to sit around online picking people and shit like it's something important. He was on some sort of no-cut list, and I never could figure out why I was gonna be stuck with that fucker until after I benched him a week and he came off the no-cut list, when I dumped him immediately. Fantasy football is some retarded ass shit, and the fact there's like 3000 TV shows and radio programs with experts answering questions like, "Okay, I have Kevin Jones, Brandon Jacobs, Marion Barber, and Cedric Benson. Which two should I start?" Who the fuck cares enough to sit around and wait on a phone to ask somebody some stupid throw-a-dart-at-the-wall bullshit like that. And who the fuck is so convoluted and pretentious as to consider themselves an expert at bullshit like that? Fucking secret homos.

Monday, November 5

November Expert Whiteboy Analysis Monthly Top 25










NOVEMBER EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS TOP 25 THINGS SORT OF RELATED TO HIP HOP IN SOME ROUNDABOUT WAY I GUESS

(the list is no way any power order nor is this the penultimate list, and in fact we have an EWA monthly Top 100 available by subscription - $5 monthly or $50 yearly by paypal to clubhousebeerfund@dumpin.net - that this is simply a sampler from)

WHO WE ARE:

RM: Raven Mack. Yeah, this EWA 25 is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I’d never amount to nothin', to all the people that worked beside the cubicles that I was bloggin' inside of that called the supervisor on me when I was just tryin’ to make some blogposts to feed my ego. And all the nerdz in the download struggle, you know what I’m sayin’?

MD: Hello, I'm Mike Dikk. This month I am providing you with abbreviated blurbs because I have taken an extended lunch break from life so I don't have time to pull a Mutt & Jeff (that is like a white Step And Fetchit) routine for a couple shut-ins on the internet. I'm sure you'll be ecstatic, because it's not like anyone likes reading anyway.

JD: Nothing is worse than being sick. Last night at about 1 am when I was taking our dog out, I vomited my dinner all over my wife's garden. Raking up upchucked chicken and ribs is mad gross y'all.

KM: Mexican wedding dances fucking rule. I just wish I could've found someone to dance with during the duranguense songs - everyone I knew there refused because that shit's "too Mexico" for the crowd. So I had to sit and watch four couples (one of them danced as if they were having a seizure) go to town. The rest of the time, I was dancing my ass off and having a blast. Oh, and I would like to camp out at an abortion clinic after this month. That shit sounds like fun now. You will agree by the end of this month's EWA!

BWT: I was at the bar last night with my friend, his girlfriend, and her friend who's claim to fame is fucking that Gervase dude from Survivor, and Jeremiah Trotter. Trotter's way of letting her know when he wanted some was to send her an email (in all caps and broken english) asking her if she wanted to go bowling. She also has some STD so there's a good chance Gervase gave Trotter herpes.

1. JAY-Z's 'AMERICAN GANGSTER' CD

JD: I DLed this shit a few days ago, and had that dumb folder staring at me for a few days. I then was internet shopping (wink, wink STEALING) and saw another rip of American Gangster with some tracks that weren't in the original leak. Again, I wanted to replace my waste of hard drive with more of a waste of my hard drive, but then I had to DL some fucking password and wait on rapidshare, so I deleted it.
I really don't care what the fuck Jay-Z has to do with an album that is based off a movie I hear isn't even that good. I have become a hateful bastard here, but I think I just set BWT up to say how much he dug it, so mission accomplished. Bye.

BWT: If I had told you - I dunno, lets say a year ago - that Jay-Z was inspired to make an album after watching a movie with Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe, you would have said it would be among the worst ideas you've ever heard. If I had told you - I dunno lets say a year ago - that Jay-Z would make this album based on a Denzel/Russel Crowe movie with P. Diddy and Jermaine Dupri doing 3/4ths of the album's production, you would not only not want to listen to it, you would wonder if the Jiggaman had lost his mind. I can understand why most people wont give American Gangster a listen, especially after Kingdom Come. But you have to follow the Jay-Z trend of every other album being good. I know Jay isn't everyone's dude for any number of reasons, and to be honest it was hard for me to even give him another shot after that video with Budweiser Select bottles and NASCAR drivers all over the place. And that song where he rapped about having good credit. And that song about Katrina where Jay rapped about how hard it was for him as a rich dude to decide how much of his portfolio he wanted to donate to the cause. And that Linkin Park album. And the "Umbrella" song. And pretty much everything he's done since "retirement", not counting some hot verses he's done and squashing the beef with Nas. So forget about all of that. Other than the two Neptunes tracks, this album is great. Not only does it have the best beats on a Jay album since The Blueprint, but Jay brought his A-plus game to prove to all the doubters he was done.
"I got watches I ain't seen in months/ Apartment at the Trump I only slept in once"
The standout track is the second Jay/Nas collaboration and it defecates all over "Black Republican", and I loved that song. It's just that good. Nas has an interesting line that reads like a jab at Jay on his own track - "worst enemies wanna be my best friends/ best friends wanna be enemies like thats whats in". Jay is the ultimate trend guy. Hopping on whoever the hot producer of the day is, working with whatever rapper is in. In this case, he's got on the Lil Wayne bandwagon despite Weezy taking some not so subtle shots at Jay over the years and much like Wayne's other recent features, it's not that good. Why should Lil Wayne be rapping about Brooklyn?
In an updated version of "Ignorant Shit" Jay raps "Scarface the movie did more to me than Scarface the rapper to me" and in "No Hook" he says, "Please don't compare me to other rappers compare me to trappers/I'm more Frank Lucas than Ludacris and I ain't tryin to dis". These are two of the realest things Jay has ever said. Jay is the ultimate businessman, not the ultimate rapper, and it seems even he has come to grips with this fact. And I ain't tryin' to dis 'cause Scarface the movie was one hell of a movie and American Gangster is one hell of an album.

KM: My heart is telling me the last five years of Jay-Z has been deliberately mediocre in preparation for this album. I don't know if this has tainted my response, but when I listen to American Gangster, I like it. It's the kind of album I wish he'd dropped instead of that chancleta bullshit last year or Blueprint 2. Someone got in his ear and found some better beats, and with the exception of "I Know" this is pretty solid.


2. NAS PROMISES 'NIGGER' CD

RM: My favorite thing about this is how it was gonna be called Nigga, but then there was big media backlash, so Nas changed it to Nigger. Really, there's tons of white dudes who say "nigga" like it's no thing today. I kinda grew up in an environment where my ass was crazy outnumbered and would've gotten mad mudholed up if I pulled that, so I'm always afraid big scary black kids from my youth will pop out from behind closet doors to pummel me if I say that shit. But really, the "nigger" word is the real insult. I mean, I have been trained to feel uneasy just typing that shit. So I think instead of people saying "the N-word" anymore, we should start clarifying by saying "the -ER word". Because clever-feeling white kids and t-shirt makers already try to circumvent shit by saying "ninja please" or "strictly for my ninjas" and shit, but I ain't never heard of no one saying "ninjer". Although I might from now on, and risk those damn broke ass black bullies from my memories jumping out the closet in the hallway and making a youtube video of my beatdown.

BWT: Since coming over to Def Jam, Nas has really figured out how to get the MTV News headline types talk about his album and that's all in the title. How many times did you see the whole "hip hop is dead" discussion online before Nas made his album? The -ER word has always been a big buzz topic so I only see this as a good thing if it gets people who wouldn't normally listen to a Nas album into hearing him. I would like it if Nas does a song about raps all time greatest niggas and then does a series of coastal remixes like he did with "Where Are They Now?" featuring the likes of Silkk The Shocker, C-Murder and Mystikal on the New Orleans remix.


3. T.I. + GUNS = PRISON

RM: So as one of the few platinum rappers left in a depleted music industry, it makes perfect sense to try and buy a couple of machine guns with silencers, except T.I. had his bodyguard do it and failed to have a ridiculously ignorantly loyal bodyguard at that. The feds caught bodyguard in sting buying the machine guns and bodyguard quickly turned around to turn them over to T.I. rather than take the fall. Now T.I. is fucked, but luckily he finally got out on bond so he can record seven albums real quick to hopefully spread out over his reduced sentence to keep him as relevant as a gradually irrelevant rapper can be.
So throw T.I. into the same camp as Michael Vick as incredibly rich products of the ghetto who somehow lose track of the notion that you aim to pull yourself out of bad situations, not use your newfound riches to ratchet up your gulliness. I'm pretty liberal when it comes to my lack of respect for laws of man, but shit man, machine guns with silencers is something I'd like to be left to creepy broken English hitmen like that dude in Cocaine Cowboys, not TRL-friendly rappers.
And then you have the story of Prodigy getting 3-and-a-half years for gun charges, and him encouraging the hip hop police legend by saying they were gonna drop charges on him if he'd help them plant illegal weapons on 50 Cent. I don't know how much of that buy if he copped down from five years to 3-and-a-half, I would expect one of the conditions would be to not run around and say there's a conspiracy against hip hop and shit. However, as jaded and cynical as I've become, it would be perfect if shitty robot rappers were pop culture's most revolutionary force and the shitty government was tracking them with inept police forces. Sometimes I think the only reason we, as Americans, are the major super power left on earth is because the whole world is retarded. Or maybe all my news sources are filtered and fixed and meant to brainwash me. Shit, I probably didn't even think this out the way I wrote it but they made me think it differently.

MD: I had originally written a lot of "Evening at the Improv" style one-liners about this a few days ago, but I had to delete them because company was coming over and I knew I wouldn't finish it. I figured I'd remember all of them when I had to rewrite it, but I don't. I do know paying a 3 million dollar bail is ridiculous. I don't even understand how one acquires a 3 million dollar bail. I guess America does not fuck around when it comes to illegal gun sales. Let that be a lesson to you, kids.


4. HIP HOP HONORS

JD: These things have continued to be more and more painful because after the first two shows, are there really any more people that need to be "honored"? This year they honored New Jack Swing music. Where was I when this shit was an actual facet of hip hop? Sure, "Rump Shaker" was a big hit, but that was more because of the dope beat than anything else.
I think the two big things that stuck out from this years show was first, T-Pain. How this dude released a whole album blows my mind. When he had to actually sing without his voice being ran through 16 different machines, it sucked. VH1 even caught on and lowered his mic so low his vocals couldn't even be heard. Second, the condition of Phife from ATCQ. Not to sound too morbid, but he looks a lot like Dilla did right before he died. The lines about being the "funky diabetic" were true as it seems that he is really suffering from the diabetes. Which is sad. I wonder if Phife has enough money to pay the doctor bills off of his ATCQ career? I bet the whole group got screwed hard in the mid-to-late '90s, signing their first deal when the group was 18-19 years old.
Oh, finally HEY LUPE FIASCO I KNOW THE LYRICS TO SCENARIO. Jesus dude.

MD: This year's Hip Hop Honors is what I was expecting from last year - a total shitty trainwreck. Last year's was actually really, really good, but this one was pretty fucking awful and I don't even know if there's some sort of legit reason as to why. T-Pain not singing with a vocoder was the definite low point for me. The internet getting butt hurt (second butt hurt reference this month) over Lupe Fiasco not knowing the words to a Tribe song was pretty funny. Not to make this about me, but I have performed around four thousand shows (really like a hundred or so) and I don't think I've ever gotten my own lyrics 100% right ever. If I had to cover a rap song, I would not know what to do. Good for you Lupe, I don't know any of the words from "Reasonable Doubt", and I plan to keep it that way.

BWT: The best part of this was Harvey Keitel coming out putting over Snoop Dogg like he was some modern day Robert Frost or some shit. I'm still pretty sure the only reason VH1 does this is that some rich jew executive is behind this knowing that if you keep having a rap awards show, eventually someone is going to get shanked. This is what the 3rd or 4th year of this? I'm calling it right now, next year one of the members of Kriss Kross gets it in the spine (the knife-welding Jermaine Dupri henchmen thought it was his stomach) after Mac Daddy or Daddy Mac complained about royalties backstage while the Young Gunz are preforming a tribute forgetting half the words to "I Missed the Bus".

KM: You know, I watched this, but I don't remember much about it. I like Eve, so that was okay. New Jack was bigger than Teddy Riley. Getting some dudes who probably haven't gotten checks in a while on stage to perform would have been more interesting than Teddy Pederast and there are easily a dozen acts who'd fit that description. Fuck, Bobby Brown and the rest of the New Edition guys would have been perfect. It's relevant to hip hop since people like Heavy D and probably Kane and I think Kool Moe Dee were busting out on that shit just like the R&B people. It wasn't grimy, but so the fuck what? The Whodini wound up being better than it looks on paper. The Snoop thing was decent, dunno how Harvey Keitel relates to anything there on any level. T.I., B.G., Daz and Ice T is a good lineup, but where's Kurupt and Nate? Warren G's ON VH1, call his recently thinner ass up instead of Bow Wow? I will fess to marking out when Busta hopped up for his "Scenario" verse and not paying attention to Lupe Fiasco because I don't know all the words to that song either. Prediction for next year's honorees (aside from Kriss Kross, good looking out BWT): TLC, Jay-Z, Too $hort, Eminem, Slick Rick and Outkast. Maybe someone will decide to throw some random shit like DJ Screw in just to be weird.


5. LITTLE BROTHER'S 'GET BACK' CD

BWT: Leaking your own album to the intarweb... oh how rebellious. Is this the way they're getting back at Atlantic? Pretty lame if you ask me. I'm a Little Brother fan not in the way that I buy into the whole saviors of rap hype shit, but I've enjoyed them a lot. This is easily the most boring stuff they've ever done as it's just really not interesting. I'm struggling for anything to say about it at all and I think they had that problem too. 11 songs is really short and the whole thing is just empty. I didn't think the loss of 9th Wonder was really going to make that much of a difference and while it still sounds like a Little Brother album, its just there. I wasn't in love with The Minstrel Show but at least it had a direction. On that album I remember shots at those R&B ballads that every rap album seems to have and well this whole album has a big R&B feel to it to the point where I think it's some big inside joke. The 9th Wonder produced song with Lil Wayne is a just one example of the sound but I have the feeling they paid Lil Weezy's feature price to make a fool of him. And even Weezy is on cruise control. I watch a lot of shitty boxing and I listen to a lot of shitty rap. I can't really defend being a fan of either at this point but I couldn't sleep last night so I put on the hip hop Comcast station they have and I kept it on for some Bobby Brown/Gorilla Zoe song. A Bobby Brown/Gorilla Zoe song. My taste in boxing isn't much better as I watched the Jamel McCline/ Sam Peter fight and they have a lot in common. Jamel McCline punched himself out knocking Peter down 3 times in the round trying to become the WBOWBCABFIBCECP heavyweight champ. Weezy has punchlined himself out after 39 mixtapes and 140 features over the past year trying to become the heavyweight champ of rap. Both guys fighting over a crown that ain't what it used to be. As for Little Brother they need to squash whatever beefs they have with 9th Wonder and get him back on the team ASAP, after all having the D12 guy who did "P.I.M.P" and "Stunt 101" making your beats isn't good for your backpacker image.

JD: I am nearing the end of my second time around of college, and hopefully by this time next year, I will be teaching. The college I go to is big on making you jump through hoops and pushing their agenda on you. One such thing that is pushed upon us is, "don't teach to the test", and "fluff isn't bad". Fluff is the educational equivalent of bells and whistles. It is dressing up like George Washington when teaching a lesson about him, and I think fluff really has it's place in the classroom when it is used right. Dressing up like Julius Ceasar and teaching about the Civil War makes no sense because the kids will miss the point. What does this have to do with the LB album?
It is all fluff. The more and more I listened to the album, I looked for the message under the songs about clothes and girls, but it wasn't there. It was all fluff. The beats, like BWT alluded to, would have sounded better done by G-Unit and not an underground group. Knowing the paranoia of Phonte, I am sure he will post something on the Justus League message board about how everyone is hating it because they hate LB, and how no one "got it". I was really disappointed by this album, and I haven't even had the desire to listen to it again since listening to it for this write-up. In the meantime, I hope Phonte takes the criticism this album will get and not take it personally, but see what this album was - 40 minutes of bullshit.

KM: The Listening was a good debut. I was one of those people that fell in love with LB after that, and I ate up all the mixtape shit and thought Minstrel Show truly was an underrated gem. I distinctly remember thinking all those folks saying they're just some wannabe Native Tongues throwback act were all full of shit. Hell, I STILL like Minstrel Show. This is one of those times when John and I were on the same tip. That said, I checked out Get Back and goddamn, that was boring. Phonte (not to be outdone by Nas's album idea) decides to overdo the "nigga" shit. Okay, the joke's not that funny. I liked "Good Clothes" and that's about it. It's not all that, but I guess it's a thing where I kinda relate to that? Or whatever. That shit with Lil Wayne song was wack as fuck, maybe 9th was lacing them with shit to pay them back. Phonte's into sucking his own dick on wax and it shows. This album isn't abominable, but to someone who really genuinely liked them it's sofa king disappointing.


6. PLAYAZ CIRCLE 'DUFFLE BAG BOY' SONG

RM: Wayne's lower back lifts away from the chair cushion like a slow motion spasm as he ejaculates into the unnamed girl's mouth. He looks down calmly, pulling his hand from her weave as she smiles up at her famous conquest, wiping her forearm across her lips. The effects of pills and liquor have taken their toll, and that last bit of orgasmic energy drained from Wayne causes him to drift towards sleep, the tattoos on the back of his eyelids becoming visible.
Baby calls from the other chair in the hotel suite. "Can I get some love too, honey?" She walks over and undoes his designer jeans and starts repeating the process. Baby is looking down at her, and her mouth wrapped around his shaft, trying to suck it to stiffness, is odd and grotesque, like some sort of anteater ass bitch trying to look sexy in slut clothes. He tries to concentrate on sex by closing his eyes and thinking of much hotter bitches sucking his dick, and this works to get an erection working for the anonymous groupie's mouth to slurp at, but he's not even close to finishing this. He opens his eyes and looks back down at her, still looking fucking busted out. He looks over at Wayne, sleeping in the high-backed cushioned chair, his pants still down at his knees and his white tank top pulled askew to show the tattoos on his lower belly. They've come along way together. Baby starts looking at Wayne's flacid penis and thinking about it in this bitch's mouth, where his dick is now. He starts thinking about his and Wayne's semen mixing together, and how it'd be great if they could do this to a pussy and have the baby and raise it together, Wayne and Baby's kid, but with Baby being Wayne's daddy, it'd be like his grandson too. And they could call it Grandpa just to be funny. Raise him together away from the mother since it was mostly both of their DNA that was the strongest in the boy. It would have to be a boy, and yeah, during group sex, Baby figures DNA all mixes. It's not one sperm in one egg, no matter what faggot scientists think. They don't understand how the streets are. He thinks about him and Wayne growing old together and raising the boy together, sending him off to Grambling where he'll be starting tailback for Doug Williams.
At about this point, Baby comes in the girl's mouth without warning. She spurts a little out the side of her mouth and looks up happily. Baby is disgusted by her, and halfway scowls accordingly. "You can wash up in the bathroom baby, and then head downstairs to the lobby and my driver will take you wherever you need to go."
She leaves like they all do, and Baby wants to go shake Wayne on his shoulder to wake him up, but his pants are down, and it's just them in the room by themselves now. "Wayne. WAYNE! Wake up, motherfucker."
Lil Wayne groggily opens his eyes back up, mumbles, "oh shit," and pulls his pants back up and straightens himself.
"Wayne, let's go get some food and then call up the studio."
"Yeah, alright man. Let me find my bottles," and he rummages through the new clothes piled up by the trash can for his pill bottle and liter of spring water. They go eat seafood together and then go to a local recording studio, where Wayne jots down and whips out a four-line sing-song hook to some random ass fuckers' song. The hook doesn't seem to relate to their lyrics at all, and their connection to Wayne is monetary at best, yet somehow, stumbling through another night, Wayne gives some random ass motherfuckers their money's worth.

MD: Wow, Raven really killed my momentum going into this one with that fan fiction shit. Anyway, I have heard this song with enough frequency that I now kind of like it. I just like Lil Wang's singing part. That is basically like the best Lil Wang chorus ever and I don't even know it means. I'm assuming Duffle Bag Boy refers to some sort of low level dude in the drug game, but I guess I should rewatch The Wire to make sure.
Also, theres a Young Buck song that has had the same effect on me, but I don't remember the name so I didn't want to make it into it's own separate blurb. It's something about riding a car or something, I don't know. Fucking Shady 45 already poisoning my brain.

BWT: While everything Raven wrote in his Lil Wayne Baby fan fiction probably is more truth than fiction, this is still a great song and video. I've thought about how I would react if Lil Wayne were to tomorrow become the first openly gay rapper and how this would affect me as a fan. I think I would be cool with it if only to see how they would approach the subject in songs. Would Weezy do a freestyle over that gettin some head beat about how much dick he gets from Baby? Would Weezy do an updated version of alphabet bitches?"'Leon wearin neon I got off then he got on" etc...
Back to the song - man, am I proud of these Playaz Circle dudes 'cause when I heard "Brown Paper Bag" I said to myself the rap world will never be able to make a better song about how they carry money in 2007. And then this came out a few weeks later and egg was all over my face. I can see someone coming out with a song about a Dickies backpack or something in a few weeks so I can only hope this trend has legs. Oh, and how could you not like a song that has a salad dressing reference?

KM: I didn't expect this to get its own blurb, but okay. No clue about that shit Raven's on - are we sure this month counts as crack free? I can dig it, sucka. After months of saying how I'm fucking tired of Lil Wayne's Adderol-laced rapping, I finally hear some shit I like. Granted, he's doing the hook but he kills it. This song is fucking nice! The organ/piano beat works wonders. I realize the MCs on this aren't even rapping about anything phenomenal, and cannot even justify my irrational love for this song with anything other than, "It sounds good, man." Kinda like Rick Ross "Hustlin'" you know? I have a feeling this one would make a good jack for some better MCs on a mixtape, but at the same time I know deep down that Joe Budden or Saigon would just waste the opportunity to jabber about how NYC isn't dead and also how they are the king of New York. If I had to make a fantasy league line-up for a remix that actually omitted Playaz Circle in order to house better talent, I would probably toss Bun B, Crooked I, Z-Ro and hmm... maybe someone East Coast. If Talib promised to not suck, I'd say him. Keith Murray would be more interesting, probably. Since one of Playaz Circle actually did the beat (according to Scratch), I think they have some potential for growth.


7. DONK MAG IV

RM: It is fun to follow the high-riser custom car movement as it speeds along to a fading fad. And I think it could've had some legs if the basic premise was low riders but jacked up with giant shiny rims. Except, first of all, you have donk dorks all hung up on whether you can call something a true donk or not, and then wanting people to respect where it came from like four years ago. The second thing is this stupid fucking idea to have themed cars of the worse commercial themes. Like, in all my years of occasionally getting Low Rider magazine, there might be weird theme cars here and there, but never ones attached to a stupid brand name, much less an obscure one. There was a featured car in this Donk magazine where the car was colored like Nerds, the candy, and had that shit's logo stitched into some ostrich leather on the inside. Hunh? What the fuck is wrong with people? Even if you're doing it to get sponsorship so you can have that extra half a thousand to get 28-inch rims instead of 26s, why bother? If you have to have Yoohoo candypainted on the side (yes, that's for real), then why the fuck even would you want to do that? That's like wanting to get both arms done up in full sleeves of tattoos, but you can't afford it, so you take on a sponsor whose logo fills up the center part of your forearms. Hey, that gives me an idea... I think I'm gonna dig out my cassette recorder seven sewing needles tied together backyard tattoo rig and tattoo and nice block style donk on my side, with the word "CHEVRELLE" underneath in cholo font, as filtered through a whiteboy's handwriting, writing with needle holes full of india ink into his side, looking at it upside downways.

KM: Well, I may as well tell you anonymous reader people what's new with my pre-donk. It's not like I know too much about real donks, and these shits won't write themselves. The 1987 Crown Victoria, my boo, has had her annual Shit Goes Wrong (Because I'm A Bad Car Owner) phase starting in October. I could set a watch to this, really. One year, I got stuck in San Angelo because of a blown hose the week before Thanksgiving. Another time, I got a pair of expensive tickets shortly before giving her a year-and-a-half vacation. This year, it's started with a 1-2 punch of my headlight going out and also a ticket for not having insurance on me. Tonight, in the Fun Halloween Cold, my mom and I tried to get a lightbulb screwed back in - almost a flawless victory but we had to resort to baling wire since we couldn't get the screws in. My boo has a lot of baling wire holding things, truth be told. And so on my last trip of the evening, I return to find the driver side door handle is now broken. I am now one of those guys who has to crawl in the passenger side. You know what though? I still fucking love that car, she is my beautiful tank and one day I will be able to fix her up proper.


8. WU TANG "SAMPLES" THE BEATLES

BWT: The novelty of sampling the Beatles sure has been shot to death after the Grey Album, but I enjoyed this song a lot even if it makes no sense. Why bring in Erykah Badu to sing on it? Why not just use the George Harrison vocals if you're paying god knows what for the beat? Why even bother bringing in the dude from the Chili Peppers to play guitar? Erykah Badu is not needed on this. Dude from the Chili Peppers is not needed on this. It's a Beatles song with fucking Eric Clapton why would you even pay for the song if you're going to chop it up? What a waste. I assume they're doing this to create some buzz over the album but you would think that the first Wu Tang album in six years would be enough buzz. I guess they're doing all of this to get that all-important blurb in Entertainment Weekly. I like the song itself pretty much just for Ghostface's verse as he raps about a trip to PathMark getting violent. Method Man's verse is pretty good too and he seems like the only one of them who's comfortable flowing over the beat. Anyway, I hope the fat check RZA wrote to the Beatles is being put to some good use like helping Paul McCartney cover up some of the nastier details of his marriage to Heather Mills. Makes no sense that he would let someone sample them now if he wasn't in need of some cash so I'm just going to guess it some serious shit like he used to shove her prosthetic leg leg up her ass while high off peyote.

RM: From what I heard, the wack ass guitar on this is George Harrison's son, which I guess owns that part of the rights to the song, which is how they circumvented clearing a sample because it's a cover song as opposed to sampling it, or some zionistic legalese bullshit like that. Nonetheless, the song is wack as fuck. In fact, everything I've heard so far for this impending mega-super-greatest shit ever Wu Tang record has been crap, and once the initial memory maker thought of "Oh shit, Wu Tang!" wears off after about seventeen seconds, it's just overhyped bullshit. Ghost's new "Celebrate" song makes me a thousand more times excited than this Wu Corp crap executively produced by RZA. In fact, I'd bet if Ghost's soul album with no cusses comes out, that shit's gonna be three thousand times hotter than the Wu Corp's 8 Marketing Angles CD.

KM: Fuck The Beatles. This song is boring, its source material is boring, the only Beatles I can get down with is when dudes like Stevie Wonder or Al Green injected talent into a song and made it better. For a point of reference, I am fairly certain I read Irv Gotti talking about how Ja Rule (or whatever the fuck he's calling himself now) is also planning to include a Beatles sample on his comeback shit. That right there is a match made in heaven - a rapper I don't care about pulling some expensive music I don't give a fuck about and making a single that will maybe bury him as a footnote on Wikipedia. My only hope is that the internet is predicting incorrectly and that Wu Tang's new album is actually a burner (with one boring Beatles beat.) I could get behind that.


9. DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS A BIG FAN OF NAS' NEW ALBUM TITLE

RM: So Dog the Bounty Hunter Jr. got hooked on the brown sugar, and apparently Dog hisself is basically like any other long-haired leather vest-wearing bounty hunter - he hates black people. Not all of them, just most of them, especially the soulless scum ones, which I would assume is what he thinks of those he rounds up for pay.
A couple things about this are real fucking stupid though, beyond the obvious Dog shit. First off, dudes like Dog come a dime a dozen, and have no power in this world. They are losers just like the soulless scum blacks they hate. A bunch of losers all pushing and shoving each other over scraps and pieces. The real people who actually think "nigger" but never say it and engineer all this shit, Dog is as much of one as any street thug black kid. They don't give a fuck.
Secondly, I have always operated under the impression you don't snitch, and you don't put a hoe before a bro. I would assume your dad would be your bro, especially if he's hooking you up with a cushy ass job as part of his million dollar hustle he's got going with the TVs. But taping your dad on the phone and shit? That's fucked up. At least with Dog's liberal use of racial epithets, I understand where he stands and can react accordingly. But some dude taping you on the phone without you knowing to embarrass you and ruin your shit, and it's your own dad? That kid is a piece of shit. And he's only been dating that black chick for seven months. She must have some hellafied pussy.

MD: I don't have much to add to this except I hate looking at Dog the Bounty Hunter so if he gets kicked off of TV for this, then great. Also, I am really hoping this makes way for "Dr. D" DAVID SCHULTZ THE BOUNTY HUNTER, which would be an infinitely cooler show. I met David Schultz in bounty hunter mode when I was like 12 or 13, and he was still a pretty scary looking dude. I used to have his autograph, but it was just on a ripped up piece of paper, so I lost it. Dave Schultz is scary (maybe not anymore because he's mad old now) but I could never be scared of Dog the Bounty Hunter. He just looks like the most exaggerated version of some muscle fag at a gay bar.

RM: In case your brain is not filled with every detail of professional wrestling history, "Dr. D" David Schultz is the old WWF wrestler who slapped up that little asshole John Stossel from 20/20 and left his stupid ass deaf in one side of his prejudiced brain. Also, David Schultz, like Dog and most other bounty hunters, is a crazy redneck racist with a giant gun and basically a license to kill motherfuckers since they jumped bail. And yes, a Dr. D the Bounty Hunter show would be three million kinds of awesome.

KM: The irony part of this (the Enquirer getting ahold of him saying "nigger") is hilarious. What he said would happen pretty much did... perhaps Dog has psychic friend potential. The whole thing isn't that shocking, however. Did anyone watching this actually think he's some kind of haute couture white guy? Dude's Ted Nugent with the hick factor ramped up. Considering how some of Nugent's favorite shit to sing about in Texas is "Learn English Or Get The Fuck Out Of America" it's an apt comparison. The shocking thing is how they managed to keep everyone from using it on the show. A&E's reaction to that shit almost makes one think Dog's crew had kept that shit in check or else someone would've already gotten in trouble behind it.


10. THE NECRO WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY INTERVIEW (click to download)

RM: Mike linked me up to this interview, and I used my internet welfare dial-up to dl it because I was bored after watching the end of the first season of Footballers Wives. And it's funny, because the limey dude is basically the epitome of what we mock when we say we are Expert Whiteboys full of analysis about the hip hop. Although, to some extent, we are also mocking dudes like Necro. I tell you what, one thing Zionist conspiracies overlook is how many Jewish people are not in those roles of prominence, and when you run across some shithead dirtbag jewish kid like Necro sounds like in this interview, that's the type of dude you never trust. Most dirtbags are the type to just steal your shit, but those weird urban jew dirtbag dudes are the type to hang with you, fuck your girl in the ass, get sick and explode like ebola all over your bathroom's tile floor, come out and act like nothing's up and be out real quick, and then you find all the mess to clean up. But at least they don't steal your shit (which is probably because they already secretly own it).

MD: I don't even think Necro is being that funny. He's being a real jerk though. I just like how butt hurt the English guy gets at the end. It sounds so ridiculous that I thought it might possibly be a work (that means "fake" for non-wrestling slang dorks). Plus, I now have this amazingly hilarious idea of what a white dude from England who's into hip hop sounds like. I kind of want to go there just to hear people like that talk to me.


11. EMINEM'S NEW CRAPPY 'UNTITLED' SONG

BWT:
Oh my, Eminem has a new song. What is the bigger surprise here, that the song sucks or that he makes outdated references? I doubt Fear Factor is even on anymore so of course Eminem has a line about Fear Factor in this. He has a line about Vanilla Ice in this. Vanilla Ice is arguably more relevant than Eminem in 2007. Vanilla Ice was on one of those VH1 reality shows with the midget from Austin Powers, Chyna, the guy from Smash Mouth who started that lame soul patch trend, Ron Jeremy, and Brigitte Nielsen. Eminem was... yeah forget about arguably more relevant, Vanilla Ice is more relevant. Eminem has a line about Michael Jackson. I don't watch Jay Leno but I doubt Jay Leno is making Michael Jackson pedophile jokes in 2007. The only interesting part of this song is when he gets all defensive over that whole incident where he said "nigga". Did anyone ever even care about that? Eminem is even making outdated references about himself. I figure it's 2007, if DJ Khaled and Fat Joe can say nigga, why can't Eminem? Maybe it all comes down to how well you're spitting. Eminem is sub-Fat Joe in 2007, and while I've never heard DJ Khaled spit anything, I will take a Runners beat that DJ Khaled put his name on over anything Eminem ever produced. If this song were an Eminem parody song it would have been close to being spot on but we really needed a Christopher Reeve line, a line about Monika Lewinsky, a line about Triumph the insult comic dog, and a line about Ja Rule.

MD: This song sucks. It's like half of a song and it's obvious Eminem doesn't care about rapping anymore now that he has gajillions of dollars.
On a related note, 8 Mile is in the trilogy of unintentionally hilarious movies about realistic rap life along with Get Rich or Die Trying starring Em's bed partner 50 Cent and Hustle & Flow starring DJ Qualls. Despite how horrendous it is, if I'm flipping through the channels and 8 Mile is on the part at the end with the freestyle rap battle, and Eminem is about to tear into the evil rap gang, I will leave that shit on. "My Motto, fuck lotto, I'll get the 7 digits for a dollar from your mother tomorrow". That whole last 15 minutes is like the White Rapper Rocky.


12. ANDY REID'S PESKY KIDS

BWT: Andy Reid's kids are pushing some serious weight. This has replaced that whole Amish teens drug scandal as my new favorite most random Pennsylvania religious background drug bust. At first I thought this was one of those rich kids using their rich folks money who got a little carried away stories, but man stuffing 89 pills up your ass is some trapstar shit. I guess he wronged the wrong people in some deal and this was his only option. I'm looking forward to a few things. The inevitable Real Sports interview with Reid where Bryant Gumbel gets him to tear up and the first time that someone uses Garrett Reid as a rap punchline. Seriously, "I push G Packs like Garrett Reid's asshole" is going to make my year. Here are the odds: Joe Budden 3/2, Fabolous 4/1, Lil Wayne 4/1, The Game 5/1, Lloyd Banks 10/1, Hell Rell 12/1, Max B 25/1, Styles P 50/1, Masta Ace 100/1, MC Shan 250/1, Tupac Shakur (via modern super computer technology) 500/1.

JD: When I first heard about this, I wasn't really shocked. I don't think anyone pegged Andy Reid as father of the year, and the life of an NFL head coach seems to be horrible. Their season doesn't seem to end as even once the regular season and/or playoffs (NOT LATELY FOR THE IGGLES, AMIRITE B?), they prepare for the next season, get ready for the draft, and are pranced around to appearances. So with Reid not being home and a wife who is probably lunching at the Country Club fucking Danny Noonan, the kids get ducats thrown at them to get out of everyone's hair.
Let's see... rich - CHECK, unsupervised - CHECK, assholes - CHECK, bored - CHECK, and I think this all adds up to one heroin-doing motherfucker.
I think B missed my favorite for the Garrett Reid line, Cam'ron. I am guessing the line would be something like this:
"Pussy Grindin'
Moved up from small-timin'
Made my last bundle of cheese
Pushin weight to Garrett Reid."


13. CRACK FREE MONTH

RM: I've got my third kid coming due around the end of January, so I figured it was probably best to just swear off buying crack anymore, even if it was just a minor leisure habit. So I don't buy it anymore, at all, only doing it when other people offer it to me for free. It's hard, coming up in the "OMG! The Wire is the greatest shit ever" meme times to not romanticize sitting around with an older nappy-headed stank-ass black dude, smoking some crack and scheming up wacky plans for financial glory. But it's hard to just hang out and not be kicking in on the illicits. I have found though, that aging inter-racial dating women, meaning kinda hefty white girls in their mid-30s with two kids that stay at their mom's house, the initial rebellion against their racist and abusive fathers has wore off over the years, and the fact that they tend to be attracted to abusive black boyfriends because of that father figure they grew up with, they kinda get burned on black dudes from time to time. So they enjoy the company of a solid white dude like myself while they smoke crack, and they'll share it with me. But I won't fuck them, I'm a happily married man. Though if they pass out, I will masturbate over top of them imagining what they look like naked. That's kind of a fetish of mine, standing over unconscious women with their clothes in, jacking off thinking about what they'd look like with their clothes off, but never taking their cloths off, and being careful to orgasm into my left hand so I don't get it on their couch or anything, and then kinda doing that penguin walk to the bathroom holding my pants at my lower thighs and cupping my seed in the other hand to wash off in the tub. That weird water/semen glue composite might clog up a sink, especially with a bitch's long hair all jammed down the drain already, so the tub is the best bet.
You'll also have to forgive me if I come across a little more asshole-like... not being able to indulge like I'd want to sometimes frustrates me and causes me to lash out at things I have never taken the time to understand. It's a very common psychological defense mechanism.

JD: Wow, I would really like to congratulate Raven on his crack-free month. Good show son. I mean doing coke is a cool thing. Fuck, look at Pookie from New Jack City. That was the coolest dude on the block.
I hate to burst your crack-free bubble, but I am going on 32 years crack-free. I know, I know - I am mad pussy for never smoking rock or hanging out in a crack house with fat bitches, but it is hard. I am a child of Reaganomics, I know crack is the ultimate sign of being a successful dude, and sometimes instead of paying bills or putting gas in my car, I want to be Joe Cool and get some rocks. Alas, I have managed to stay away. One day when I am all settled down with kids and our own place, I PROMISE you I will be cracked out with the quickness. Dumbass.


14. NAPPY ROOTS 'GOOD DAY' SONG

RM: Nappy Roots released an internet-only release called Innerstate Music last month... which reminds me of the seventeen different rappers I've heard in the last couple weeks talking about how they're tapped into the future of album sales because there won't be mom-and-pop stores anymore, so they're gonna sell shit on the internet... that shit's funny to me. Future sounds old to me, especially if they think this is gonna stop thievery, because I stole this internet-only shit. And to be honest, beyond the first two songs, there's only a couple of other tracks I dig, but that second track - "Good Day" - it's a great song, complete with kids singing and sunshiney ghetto tales over a happy assed piano beat that just makes you want to hang out at the car wash and drink some Smirnoff Ice, hoping somebody shows up with a fat blunt. This song is so great it made me add Nappy Roots to my retarded inner checklist of Great Southern Acts that if they could separate themselves from the ridiculous tomfoolery of the rap industry and do what was in them to do they could make the greatest album ever known to man, but they never do. Current tenants on that list as well are Devin the Dude and David Banner, and previously members were Three Six Mafia and Cee-lo, but since both of them got popular, since I'm a contrarian hipster expert whiteboy faggot fool, I can't expect too much from them no more.

MD: I can't even remember why I hate Nappy Roots, but I think it had something to do with me mistaking them for Field Mob, and I really liked that first Field Mob single way back in the early 21st century that they have seemingly erased from their history in order to accomplish baller status. I think maybe Nappy Roots had an album around the same time and something happened and now I hate them.
Anyway, I do like this song. I'm not about to listen to their whole record or anything, But they have moved from permanent expulsion to long term suspension in my brain's musical reserves.



15. MEMPHIS RAP MONTH

MD: This month the world was blessed with new releases by Project Pat, Lord Infamous, and the Prophet Posse that will no doubt help wash down the sour taste the new Three Six Mafia will leave in our mouths in December. I mean, I'm as big a fan of Three Six as anyone, but I have serious doubts about this new record.
The new Project Pat is pretty good. A lot of folks I know on the internet and in real life are saying it's better than Crook by Da Book, but I don't know about that. There's no "What Money Do" on Walkin' Bank Roll. There are a good number of dirty songs about cocaine, drugs, and hedonistic sex though, and I feared anyone associated with Three Six would have to calm down on the cocaine songs so they don't lose their squeaky clean reality show image.
I've only listened to the new Lord Infamous once so far and it's pretty decent. He's really missing actual Three Six produced beats, but the guys he got assimilating Three Six beats could do much worse. I'm still not sure why he's not in Three Six again since he doesn't hate them or anything.
I haven't listened to the new Prophet Posse yet, but since it's a bunch of Three Six castoffs, I expect maybe two good songs and then a bunch of mediocre shit. Either way, it's still a good month to be a person like me who likes borderline bad rap music.

RM: Yeah, probably far more than anything else, the success of Three Six made me sad in the long run, because once they were Hollywood, there was no undoing that, because if they drop three flops of an album with no commercial success in a row, they're always gonna be that rap group that won an Oscar to the blue bloodbergs that run entertainment industries many tentacles. But the beauty of Three Six was always how fucked they were, including all the fringe members. I mean, Crunchy Black, even in promo pics all airbrushed up to look good, looks like a sketchy ass bitch, no matter how you touch it up. And Gangsta Boo and La Chat, there is no doubt they beat their children in the grocery store for grabbing shit they ain't supposed to be grabbing at. That drug-fueled broke-ass piece of shit lot in life type music is what I always loved about them. I'm glad the castoffs are keeping that spirit alive, and hopefully Three Six will continue to be successful by blue bloodberg bottom line standards, which will in turn justify this castoff cottage industry of Memphis music to continue, which will hopefully encourage Mike to do a Best of Three Six-Related Bullshit megamix for me every couple of months, to keep me up to date and weed out all the unnecessary stuff.



16. BOYZ N DA HOOD 'EVERYBODY KNOW ME' SONG

KM: I figure since the other song I've been cranking in my spare time ("Duffle Bag Boy") was on the list, I could jabber a bit about this one. There are four other dudes lined up to hate it - Raven's got a jones for it and this is most likely not the kinda shit Mike or John would bump by choice. On that note, I heard this about two weeks ago on the radio and thought someone had thrown in an old No Limit joint in their mix. Then came Zoe. This shit is totally a No Limit tribute/cover to me, and frankly I like that a lot. It reminds me of a time when I could hear awesome New Orleans rappers like Fiend and Mia X burn a mic with 4 or 5 other okay-to-awful MCs on a posse track. Zone 3 and those other cats hold their own and that's more than enough if you're talking about something like this. It's made for cars, for getting buck in rush hour or maybe at the club (I don't do that shit, I'm a fucker not a fighter). BITCH, NO. YOU MY FAV'RIT BABY DADDY. Gorilla Zoe is seriously growing on me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but it's happening.

RM: Listening to this shit on my computadora, it is intriguing enough I will add it to a mix of other shit to move into the truck stage of listening. Things sound different coming through a robot and coming through speakers in a car, this is why internet sites always jock the same flim flam bullshit. I am not sure I'm gonna like this enough to care about in four days after listening to it in the truck, as Gorilla Zoe grew on me a long time ago and this is one of my least favorite shits I've heard him on, but anything coming out of Atlanta that leans more towards the Pastor Troy style of rap as opposed to shitty tinny snap crap $10 beers at a shitty strip club sound.


17. R.I.P BIG MOE

RM: It is not exactly shocking that a 300 lb. dude who drank cough syrup leisurely had a heart attack, but still, every time one of the for-real Screwed Up Click dudes dies, I am saddened. I understand with this being the internet and a record got leaked last Sunday on thedicegame, then was all over on Monday, that hit the stores on Tuesday, peaked at #1 on the Billboard charts and fell completely out the top 100 two weeks later, and now no one even cares about other than the hot remix of that one song featuring Akon, Lil Wayne, and Puff Daddy, so you are probably hung up into the hyperspeed matrix where shit like screwed music sounds retarded to you. And I can respect that. I spend a lot of time at a picnic table in my backyard, and were I to replace that time with a cubicle or monitor in front of my face, I'm sure I'd feel differently. But I move slow so the slow shit makes sense to me. And I was sad for Big Moe's death because fuck, it seems like Hawk just died. "Purple Stuff" is one of my all-time favorite screwed songs too, one I always put on mixes to try and get normal-minded people hooked on the screwstyles. Although, when Mike threw up that rip of the "Purple Stuff" 12-inch, I got confused when I listened to it at first because I had never heard it in normal speed, which is fast speed to me, because I am slowed, normally.

KM: This seriously bummed me the fuck out. Hawk dying really sucked when you read the circumstances and realize the guy was taken before his time, it's tragic but I didn't have as much of a musical attachment to Hawk. Don't get me wrong, I've heard a lot of shit I liked but it didn't hit me as hard and I don't know why. At first, I hated Big Moe because this dude I worked with wanted to roll to it and I was all in my OOH RAWKUS IS THE ONLY HIP HOP mode of 2000-01. "Barre Baby" used to get on my last fucking nerve. Years later, I gave it another chance and found out it's not that bad at all. In fact, Big Moe does what Nate Dogg wishes he could - put out whole albums with sing-songy hooks that doesn't suck a dick. Moe had the S.U.C. to draw from for guest spots, Nate had a shattered Dogg Pound. I have never had any drank, narcotics fuck with my stomach but I concur that Moe sounds better slowed down. In the last year or two, I wondered when Moe would come out with another album or mixtape. Dude would hop on a song and make fun of people saying he was dead from a heart attack or how it takes him an hour to shower thoroughly or whatever. Maybe that had some karmic consequences, but at the time I laughed too. It was like 2Pac only with cholesterol and drank. There's no denying if you're 300 pounds and drink that shit, you are feeding your life expectancy into a blender. Despite all that, I still wish he was not dead.


18. ESTEVAN ORIOL - CHOLO PHOTOGRAPHER

RM: I got some gay ass documentary about current artists called The Run Up, because my netflix plan of attack is to get on like once every three months late at night while drunken and just act like netflix is a really shitty google and add 49 things to my queue. Then I never check it for three months so I keep getting retarded shit I never heard of. Tonight I watched a flick starring Warren Oates and Lou Gossett about some whale hunters saved by eskimos who corrupt the purity of eskimoness. It was awesome, partially because I had never heard of it. Anyways, I go The Run Up in a similar manner, and every artist on it - mostly "street" artists, meaning recovered graffiti fuckers trying to scam a living out of the art industry. The only saving grace of this flick was Estevan Oriol (as well as his main man Mr. Cartoon). Oriol used to be road manager for Cypress Hill and got into taking pictures and has probably done stupid rap promo shots or car pictorials in goofy mags like Mass Appeal that you've seen. But the dude also just takes photos all the time, of cholos and L.A. gangbangers and cars and just about anything ever that crosses his path. And he has a natural ability to find a good picture without explanation, and I can't explain that shit. Most art photography looks formulaic and artsy for artsy's sake to me. But there's something to Oriol's shit. Plus, he's a funny assed dude. If by me being white means I'm gonna eventually be rich and have everything I could ever want because I was born into that, then one of the first frivolous things I'm gonna get is a nice Oriol print, in one of those fancy dining room mantlepiece frames.

MD: I miss the days in movies when there were no Mexican actors, so they would get olive-skinned white dudes to play Mexicans. My favorites being that red-haired dude from Colors, and the guy who played the Mexican gangbanger in Sleepaway Camp III. I don't hate Mexicans or anything and can't stand to see an actual Mexican play a Mexican, it's just funny to me that there was a point in time where Hollywood came to the conclusion that white people were superior at playing Mexicans than Mexicans were. It's like that Ben Kingsley guy who is famous for playing middle easterners and the white guy who was Charlie Chan. Hollywood is fucking great.


19. Y SOCIETY'S 'TRAVEL AT YOUR OWN PACE' CD

JD: I am the dumbest motherfucker ever. Not dumb, but fucking gullible. I blame all of you out there. You fucking douches jocking this and jocking that. Some dickbags actually had the balls - THE BALLS - to compare these two dudes, or three dudes, or however many Lord Fauntleroy's are in the group to the NEW PETE ROCK AND CL SMOOTH. As I listened to this, I became enraged. They even did some sort of Pete Rock "tribute" track in which they emasculated a Pete Rock beat.
This is the same weak ass shit we all complain about listening to and which I swore to stop listening to. But I ran back like some pathetic fool to listen to the album. Dicks. The whole mess of you.

MD: I don't know what Y Society is, but I don't think I'd download it because the name Y Society sounds like some fancy feminine cleansing product or something, or at least a cheap brand of whiskey. I just can't not see Y Society written in cursive letters with a flowery background so there's no way I'd download this. I kind of quit downloading new shit anyway, because there's no point anymore.


20. RISING MURDER RATES

RM: I am no gangster wannabe whiteboy - I avoid conflict whenever it's easy enough to do so. And I don't wish ill shit on anybody unless they really annoy me, but let's be honest, art imitates life and back and forth and shit chicken and egg nonsense. And let's also be honest, this hip hop muzak AIDS awareness fashionista pseudo-conscious hip hop has really gone too far. I would guess, from the sounds made by the artists, that Chicago has become pretty nicely gentrified in recent years, where bi-racial people mingle together over drinks in a falafel/sushi joint and philosophically interface so open-mindedly about all the shit they hate about whosoever they deem ignorant. And I guess if I was the type to wear giant round sunglasses and drink on some liqueurs with my homies to get us geared up for a rousing night out sucking on some dicks, then all this Kanye/Consequence/Lupe/Common/prod. by J. Dilla next level Eurofag version of the Native Tongues would be great. But man, that shit is not great for me. And judging by how grimy the grimy gonna-save-NYC rappers sound, I'm guessing NYC has been cleaned up more than I've even been led to believe by people who say they hate it now.
And that's where the rising murder rates come in. Because where people get murdered, people live in fear of getting murdered or become desensitized to life. You mix in drug abuse (not drug sales - that shit's played out too as a gimmick) and some good rap music is gonna come out of that grimy compost of a shit neighborhood environment. And then when you have dudes from there go and get like three semesters of schooling at a state university (just long enough to steroid shoot their vocabulary and outlook on life), they come back and make the type of conscious bullshit that's actually conscious. Or at least for me I guess. Maybe the world is full of faggots. Which makes me hope the rising murder rate is not about people being faggots, because even if I use that word, there's nothing that bothers me more than when a murder is a hate crime. Hate crimes have no place in our modern liberated multi-racial society. Only senseless violence makes sense.

MD: I've read Raven's blurb a few times now, and I still can't figure out if it doesn't make sense to me on purpose, or if it's because I drink waaaaaay too much cough syrup for recreational purposes. Last night at the bar, I decided I would rather drink cough syrup than have to drink one of those fag liquors like 99 Bananas and Pucker. I won't lie, I love fag liquors, but you just get more fucked up drinking cough syrup and it's the same shitty taste so why even bother fucking around with the some 30 proof shit when a bottle of Robo DM is like $4 and all you have to do to get codeine is get insurance, go to a doctor and tell them you have a lung infection. They won't even check anything on your body because it's some sort of undetectable shit, and they'll just hand out the codeine. Word.


21. SIRIUS SATELLITE RAP SHOW TALK

RM: Ahh... Friday nights, when the local community station used to have a decent mixshow, but then I guess local ass DJs with global-sized egos had conflict, so it's these shitty ass dudes, one of whom is called Pimpin' Ass John and seems to be a white dude talking with a clump of cotton in his mouth like chewing tobacco. So to the universal airspace beamed satellite radio is where I go, which also usually sucks, always playing the same shit, but on Friday nights, Lord Sear does his extended drunken mix from 10 to midnight, which is always good. And then at midnight, two channels down, and there's DJ Premier, usually with Big Shug in tow, playing only new shit, and mostly all the type of shit you'd expect him to play. The best is when Premo and Shug get to talking about football too, because it's like listening to two homeless ass old dudes who gargle with throat-eating acid rasp at each other for fifteen minutes about how awesome the Patriots are, peppered with urban slang. They should have their own football show.

MD: I finally have access to the Sirius Satellite and after two days of the Sear and Jude show, I'd have to say it's not as good as the Stretch and Bobbito show, but not as horrible as Rude Jude's appearances on Jenny Jones. Also, they do call-ins, and it's always great to hear dudes who seemingly have no connection with the internet hip hop world and have opinions staked deep into the early '90s, but not in a musical taste sort of way. More in the way that there has been no progression in their opinion developing skills. It's like taking a time machine back to when having a dual casette recorder was cool, except you have to listen to 8 Shady Records/G-Unit affiliated artists every hour.


22. THIS MONTH IN DIPSET

BWT: CAM IS BACK!! I have been waiting for the return of Cam'ron almost as long as I have been waiting for someone to use the Sopranos song (this is what it is forever called now) for a sample. Too bad they both sound horrible. Cam sounds like he's really really sick or something. Maybe Cam has AIDS. I mean he did make a song called "Suck It or Not" with Lil Wayne. I hope the rest of the mixtape is better than these two songs 'cause they're both trash. Where is the Jim Jones diss? I would really love for Dipset to take an nWo wrestling-style split with dudes choosing sides and having a never-ending mixtape battle that only rap dorks like myself would enjoy. Bring on the Max B vs. Rugger Rell battle!
In other Dipset news, Jim Jones is coming out with a mixtape called THE REAL HARLEM AMERICAN GANGSTER with Dame Dash hosting it. While I love whenever Jim Jones goes after anyone, every time Dame Dash gets in on the action it feels like a bitter ex-girlfriend who makes sure to go to the same bar you're at with her new squeeze. Dame Dash is a loser Jimmy, you shouldn't be hanging with neverwas's like him.

MD: Oh man, it was a great month for Dipset since Cam has come back and his new double CD mixtape is dropping any second now. Judging by the two songs that have been released, he's stopped taking himself so seriously like he did on Killa Season and has gotten back to the silly ridiculous raps. Unfortunately, he's still not affiliated with the ROC, so he's going to have to work with shit beats again, and we can only hope they keep the "Get 'Em Girls" soundalike beat remakes down to a minimum, since every Dipset release has two of those per album and it's getting dumb.
Also, Jim Jones signed some deal with Sony, which will most likely be a big mistake on Sony's part. I will admit that "Ballin'" was a big hit but the rest of that record was a shit sammich, but maybe Sony will throw him enough money where every track can have a Lil Wayne feature or something.


23. THE BLAZING ORANGES OF AUTUMN

RM: Great time of year as the leaves are changing and fall squash is on harvest markdown, so you can get butternut squash cheap as fuck. You peel that shit and dice it up and do the same with a couple of sweet potatoes, set it in a glass pan with some olive oil and slices of garlic plus salt and shit, and roast it at 350 until soft, man that's some great hip hop food. And save the carvings from the Halloween pumpkins to get the meat and cook it down to keep in the freezer, or just buy a couple of sugar pumpkins for the sweet vegetable meat inside, and hook up a pumpkin pie for dessert. That's a motherfuckin' gangsta ass meal, especially with maybe some rosemary chicken breasts... oh man. Fuckin' hip hop.
I realize this is not hip hop to many, which saddens my old school heart. But your blaze orange sneakers with lime green souls and shiny silver tongues looking like robot socks on a pussy-faced youthful human, that shit's not hip hop either. That's anime foot fetishism.

MD: I originally wrote the word "hippie" over and over again in this spot, but Raven said my shit was weak, so now I have to make jokes.
Anyway, I really don't like when Raven is on his Cool Hippie Guy gimmick tip, like he's some host of an imaginary PBS show where he walks around the woods droppin' knowledge about nature but peppering it with expletives so people like me don't immediately cut that shit off. Then Bob Vila would stop by, and they'd build a homo treehouse together and eat butt squashes and collect leaves and frame them with a little tiny label that tells you what kind of stupid fucking leaf it is. They sell those things in Pottery Barn for more money than I make in a week, and Raven sits around all day making shit like that for free with Bob Vila, then they frolic over to Yan Can Cook's house and present one to him as a housewarming gift and he hooks them up with some sweet shit he has been cooking in his wok. Then they set up the karaoke machine in Yan's house because every Asian is required to own a karaoke machine, and Raven kicks some of his bobo ass freestyles to end the show and the credits roll while the theme from Dukes of Hazzard plays under them, but it's Raven so he added a boom bap beat under the theme and then had someone screw and chop it.


24. STATIK SELEKTAH'S 'SPELL MY NAME RIGHT: THE ALBUM' CD

RM: A couple of songs into this, I was all ready to go and declare, "Hey! Finally a good ass hip hop album," but by the end of a couple of listens, I was jaded again already. But don't get me wrong, this is a really good CD, with quality guests and definite old school head smile-making beats with familiar interpolations and more boom and bap than blip and snap. Still though, it becomes far too obvious a mixtape by the end of it, and I miss the days when someone could make an entire CD, with an actual unifying concept of some sort to tie it together, so that instead of just hearing some guys fire me up on a track or two, you can hear what the fuck someone has to say on a variety of tracks in a variety of styles. Everybody's become one-trick ponies and CDs are just a collection of recognizeable names doing their one-trick all together and that's supposed to make it special and worth me shucking out my hard-conned money for. Shit, that's just as much a reason for the rise in illegal downloading as just people being able to do it. The record industry has ripped people off for decades with shoddy artistic creations and expect us to just keep on doing that shit. And people who make music now have grown up in that and think a brilliant concept is having a wacky anime cover to the CD. Fuck.
Nonetheless, if when you think of Tha Rill Shit, you think of shit like Premier and Diamond and such, this CD will probably be a welcome respite from all the computerized shiny-things-are-awesome crap you've been force fed for more than the past the decade which has caused you to think stupid shit is good simply because the other shit is so godawful stupid actually does seem good.

JD: Raven is such a cynical fuck. In our secret lair, we talked about how this might be an album that gets a positive review from us. Then Crack Mack had to jab the album with complaints about no unifying concept? Fuck man, I think every album since Prince Among Thieves hasn't had any sort of unifying concept. I feel we are just chomping at the bit to hate on something and we have to pick out any tiny detail and shit all over it. But I ain't doing it.
This album is on the Funkmaster Flex/Tony Touch deal where a mess of artists who respect the dude hosting it spits a verse or two making the whole album. So I think there is a concept here.
Seriously, this is good, and I have a problem saying anything negative about it.

RM: Yeah man, not smoking when you really want to smoke can instill some disgruntlement in a motherfucker. I did give it a backhanded compliment for the most part though, but I suffer from faggot whiteboyness where I believe there's this fantastical ghetto neighborhood where all the children either sing in happy hook unison or maybe the one hard-looking kid knows how to flip a razor blade with his tongue in slow motion while sitting on his bike, and the black guys who rap rap great things in great ways and when they die from shooting each other over minor squabbles they all go to gangsta heaven where the Newports flow freely and there's endless white pussy that can never make a baby, no matter how hard you don't use a condom.


25. KIM KARDASHIAN'S REALITY SHOW

MD: Kim Kardashian, aka the hottest woman on earth, has her own reality show just like everyone else now and I tried to stomach an episode (which honestly wasn't too hard, because I really enjoy staring at Kim Kardashian) and from what I gather, she has like 20 sisters. I'm not sure how many are real and how many are fake, but there's some younger ones who are teetering the line of becoming sluts, then there's some more around the same age of Kim who are far less attractive and attempt to be sluts but are ultimately jealous of how hot and slutty Kim is.

Then she has a fake dad, who definitely wants to fuck her, and he's always saying stuff like, "Kim has to watch what she does" and then mentions some slutty thing Kim has done in the past, and I'm not a psychology major, but I know well enough that when every time you bring up your step-daughter, you also mention how she's a dirty little sexy slut, that usually means you want to stick it in her.

Lastly is Kim's real mom, who is like a total slut and you can see how Kim is being swayed into being a slut by her mom. It's all real weird shit. There's this whole perverted family of sluts and closet sluts and a dude who wants to fuck sluts, but when it comes down to it, Kim is the only one hot (or old) enough to be a serious five tool slut and they all live vicariously through her sluttiness. God bless America.

BWT: I guess Kim Kardashian is hip hop since her ass is straight up ridiculous and she blew Brandy's brother. I haven't seen this show but I have seen a youtube clip where her young sister who looks to be about nine is pole dancing and I guess stuff like that isn't a big shock in 2007 but I was floored. I guess they probably teach pole dancing in some 3rd grade gym classes now 'cause this girl brought it on the pole like she was a pro. Having a show on A&E or E! or whatever this is on brings in the money and that's all that family gives a fuck about, so I'm sure they wont mind the sex tape the young pole dancer makes with Hurricane Chris in a few years as long as they get a cut.

RM: I tend to be contrarian over a lot of shit, just because I hate people. Thus, I don't think Kardashian is like the uber-hot Ms. All That others do. But Mike is Italian and has a punjab pussy fetish, so she sort of fits his ideal look. I mean, don't get it wrong, I'd fuck her like mad if I had the chance, but shit, I'd fuck the fat chick working the register at the Dollar General, so that's not saying much.
Anyways, all this slut talk and pole dancing 3rd graders makes my head ache. I have two daughters, the oldest 8, and a third chillun on the way. We thought we had lost that bama and don't have insurance so we went to the Planned Parenthood clinic to go get a ghetto-priced ultrasound (meaning free). There were anti-abortion people sitting on the sidewalk out front, which bugged me, because those fuckers are always protesting bullshit and I wasn't even trying to murder my unborn baby. They should chill. But you can't confront them people because they think they got God on their side, plus they got the law on their side too. So I just took that shit to the next level.
They sit out front of the abortion clinic by a main thoroughfare with big signs about killing babies and shit and how Jesus loves babies, and you can't fuck with them. But you can set up like ten feet down from them on the same sidewalk with big signs that say "I'M WITH STUPID" and an arrow pointing to them, and just hang out quietly like they do. I've been doing that four or five afternoons a month since the day we had to go get an ultrasound, and it's been funny as fuck. One day, they had one of those uber-righteous blank-eyed dudes who was like the Jesus Camp kid growed up, and he got all up in my face about me being a devil or some shit, and I just answered, "Hey man, I'm just with stupid. That's all." He must've called the cops because a cop showed up, eyed my signs, and then talked to the dude with a lot of shoulder shrugging and then left. It's been a lot of fun. Did you know that pro-life protesters a lot of times aren't reading the Bible when they just sit there protesting abortion? I was shocked. So I've taken to reading the Bible while sitting there with my "I'M WITH STUPID" signs all set up, because that just confuses them fuckers even more. Plus, the Bible has a lot of fun shit in it. Revelations is like Immortal Technique on opium and honey t'ej.