RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Saturday, December 29

NFL WK 17: South division teams

The football regular season is almost done for us, and this last week looks less than exciting as 10 of 12 playoff spots are locked up, and the other two pretty basically explained without seventeen different what if scenarios. The stupid Patriots/Giants game got put on two regular people networks so that it can be America's TV night... they should just do a game a week like that anyways, on multiple networks, so that you could get different announcers and shit. I mean fuck it, that's what people want to watch. I mean, I'd understand Fox not wanting to show a Saturday night game because Cops is fucking awesome, and the re-enactments on America's Most Wanted is some great shit to watch as well while high (usually, I roll with the sound off and the stereo on, but with the volume set high on the TV and a second fancy-assed half-mute setting on the stereo remote, so when the re-enactments come on, volume up on the TV, and half-down on the stereo, which makes for good crime scene shenanigans with like Willie Nelson & Calexico in the background), but the rest of them channels ain't got shit going otherwise. Might as well just have football night in America on multiple channels, going head-to-head, and then all these high-priced overrated expert analysts would have actual primetime ratings against each other to see who was worth a shit. And can Cris Collinsworth get fucking throat cancer soon, please? If I did a Top 100 Annoying Ass NFL-related Dudes of Current Activity list, he'd be 8 of the top 10 spots, with Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe taking the other two. Anyways, this last week's swing through things goes back to the South divisions for the last time, with none of these teams truly epitomizing the spirit of the South. The Panthers did, but then Julius Peppers had to get off steroids and Vinny Soprano became their stupid elder statesmen at QB. But for my three loyal readers, don't fret, I'll keep pretending like I know what the fuck I'm talking about and that my opinion actually matters to someone during the playoffs. But nonetheless, here's your faggot-ass yankee shit South division teams dork discussionism, with futuristic prognosis to boot...

#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (13-2, #2 overall) - It has sorta seemed like the Colts have been playing in preseason mode for most of the season, almost like the Lakers used to do when Shaq and Kobe were their two-headed monster winning rings at will. While the Patriots have been in Madden '08 mode, running up records and stats like that shit's on rookie mode, the Colts have just been kinda plugging along without real note, winning motherfucking games even though half the team in injured. Marvin Harrison is finally about to fire it up in real-time, and the Colts might just be ready to peak the same time as the Patriots have been struggling to maintain their high level of dominance. Even though I don't think Tony Dungy has anymore songs to sacrifice to the Molochian Gods of Football Success, I can still see them beating the Patriots to be the AFC's Super Bowl representative. In fact, I'd say that shit is almost a guarantee, as the Pats have become the fair weather juggernaut the Colts used to be accused of, and Belichick is mad conceited, which is how Bill Parcels got after he won two Super Bowls, and he never won another. Which leaves the silent mulatto scrunchface of Tony Dungy to unleash his mastermind-by-default gameplans in whatever commercial extravaganza homeland the Super Bowl is at this year. And THE FUTURE for the Colts is a Super Bowl appearance, and probably a loss. NFC4Life motherfuckers.

#2: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (11-4, #4 overall) - The Jaguars have quietly became the Reverse Chargers this year, in that they are the much-hyped #3 team of contention, but they do it with pure old school smashmouth mentality (you are required, when talking about football, to say "smashmouth" when talking about real ugly-assed teams coached by former linebackers; it's like Football Dipshittery 101 rule #27). They got no Pro Bowlers, which of course will be used for some nonsense "Nobody on Earth respects us like we deserve to be respected" motivational fodder, yet eventually half the starters in the NFL make the Pro Bowl once everybody starts pulling out. Jack Del Rio is a great goofy-assed dude to lead a football team, and it'd be perfect if the Jaguars moved to L.A. and changed their name to something ominous with black jerseys to sell in a second Raiders gangbanger renaissance. Man, I remember my boy McCarthy got the full length stuffed down Raiders jacket that went like down past your knees and shit, and that was the pimpest shit ever. Well, it was the first two weeks or so, and then it was just the same jacket that used to be the new hotness that he always wore. That's the thing with fresh ass ghetto fashions... you either have to move between localities to always seem fresh, or you have to hustle a ton of money to keep the freshest shit available. We used to know these two brothers (literal brothers, as well as semi-racist stereotypical "brothers") that dealt most of the crack in my hometown, and Timmy - the older one - he lived in the hotel and would wear shit like two or three times and then never again. Like he never washed clothes, because once the shit was dirty enough to wash, he'd never wear it again anyways. I remember we went by there one night to take him to get some whiteboy weed from some other dudes we knew, and there was a fucking sheepskin jacket in the trash. I asked him what was wrong with it and he said, "Nothing, I just done had it for the last month." He told me I could have it, but I was a goofy assed ponytail whiteboy, and there's no way wearing a fucking sheepskin jacket would've looked anything but ridiculously stupid on me. Plus, all my racist family members would've said shit like "you been hanging out with them niggers too much" like they did when I used to wear a pair of bright yellow parachute pants in 7th grade. Man, I wonder what those racist family members think of the day-glo anime print hoodies motherfuckers wear nowadays? I bet that's like space age hyperspeed negro ridiculousness to them. But THE FUTURE of the Jaguars is playoffs, first round road win, then ridiculous frustration in Indianapolis again.

#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (9-6, #10 overall) - Jon Gruden is again a genius, because his second string nobodies turned out to be better-than-expected once the higher profile starters got injured, and Jeff Garcia continued to show he's probably the best quarterback nobody cares to keep around. He and Brad Johnson should start a quarterback school together, and get their Tom Emansky hustle going. Seems to me Jon Gruden is destined to be the NFC's Brian Billick for the next ten years - a guy with overrated mental acumen who lives off a Super Bowl ring far past his usefulness to the franchise he won it with. THE FUTURE for the Buccaneers is co-starring in a wild card weekend game against the Giants in one of those games that's entertaining because it's the first week of the playoffs, but like two weeks later when the conference championships are being hyped, nobody remembers nor gives a fuck about it at all.

#4: TENNESSEE TITANS (9-6, #11 overall) - Win on Sunday night against the Colts' B-teamers and the Titans get to go to the playoffs. Not only do I think this is a ridiculous notion, as the Titans are bound to lose, but let's not forget Vince Young is the coverboy of Madden '08 and has yet to feel the curse. He's probably gonna get his inferior crucible ligament all sorts of fucked up. Right now, Young is the Tennessee media darling, but let's not forget that dude scored like the lowest score ever for a QB on the jock nerd test they give potential NFLees in pre-draft poking and prodding. If Michael Vick ended up being stupid enough to handle gambling money himself in a multi-state dogfighting ring, I can only imagine Vince Young will end up being involved in either child slavery ring or he'll be addicted to hydrocodone by the time he's 27. It is also interesting to me how Albert Haynesworth, who used to be to football analysts the scummy dude who stomped at that fat Cowboys dude's bare forehead with his cleats, is now the dominant honorable awesome interior lineman of unbeatitude on defense. It sucks seeing that dude in interview clips, because I just expect a guy named Albert Haynesworth to talk like Lennox Lewis, but he doesn't at all. THE FUTURE for the Titans is the reality that a predominantly running quarterback will never win shit. I love how this is somehow considered racist old line thinking by some people, as if you are underestimating the intelligence of black people by suggesting having a third running back under center is not a recipe for pro football success. My man Mavpa Van Cleef, who used to fuck around online but has disappeared, has had this two-quarterback offense bullshit he designed that he actually convinced his semi-pro football team to run some last year, and I've been thinking about it lately, as it concerns Michael Vick coming back in a few years. I think the two-quarterback thing could work if you had like a primary QB and secondary QB, so that a younger, less experienced guy like Young could take the secondary spot, maybe taking a quarter of the snaps during a game, but always on hand to run, and a more experienced guy like Vick could be the primary guy who takes more snaps and runs less, as ideally he would have figured out how to read defenses better by that stage of his career. And the younger guy gets all that time right back there to read the defense as well even when he's not taking the physical snap. With college football pumping up dudes like Dennis Dixon and Tim Tebow, this could be an easy reality, but just the same, the NFL has bullshit rules protecting the QB too much, which inevitably hurts the possibility of a two-quarterback system, because it creates the crazy grey area in what a QB is supposed to do, whereas the whole in-the-grasp, roughing-the-passer, NFL rulebook bullshit is geared towards thinking of the QB as a pocket presence to not be damaged so that the game can be intelligently executed on the field. To be honest, I'd prefer a more intuitive running QB offense, so long as it didn't just revert to bullshit wishbone offenses that didn't do shit but run the ball like it was still the days of Red Grange and Jim Thorpe.

#5: HOUSTON TEXANS (7-8, #18 overall) - Have the Texans turned a corner this year, or are they just doomed to eternal mediocrity? It is hard to say. Seems like they can't all be healthy all the time, as just as Andre Johnson is good to go, Matt Schaub is all fucked up. Mario Winans seems like a better #1 choice this year than he did last, but shit, with as much as number one picks get paid today, I don't think you can be economically successful with anyone unless they like Jim Brown everybody from their position for seven straight years. It sucks even more for the Texans because regardless of who they draft or how much of a cult of personality they have, they ain't gonna move shit in merchandise with those ugly assed uniforms. Even their alternate red jerseys are like something an NFL Europe team exec wiped his ass with during meetings with the ad agency coming up with logos and colors packages. THE FUTURE for the Texans is they will be the least prominent team in their own division forever, and the only people in their home state that will care for them over the Cowboys are ultra-disagreeable types who probably are from out-of-state anyways, thus not helping grow a solid fanbase. It's weird because whereas a team like Jacksonville or Seattle is mired in a low-level pro sports town that just won't possibly ever care enough to make a sizeable rabid fanbase, the Texans are in a great market but have the stupidest fucking team name and the stupidest fucking colors the NFL has ever doled out.

#6: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (7-8, #20 overall) - The post-Katrina dream looks to be dead after last week's loss to the Eagles. Reggie Bush has been exposed as essentially a third down back, and Sean Payton exposed as just as much lucky as brilliant with his trick play-happy ass. Certainly starting 0-4, and having lost Deuce McAllister for most of the season, they showed well in the long run, but still coming into 2007, the one-two punch of a Saints Super Bowl run and multi-platinum success of Tha Carter 3 was going to resurrect New Orleans from its murky ashes. Instead, the former flamed out as even a wild card contender, and the latter ended up being a mixtape that pop cultural jackasses had a secret meeting somewhere I didn't know about to pretend like it was the best shit since Elvis Presley put on leather pants. Thus, outside of the drunk slut street level tit show in February, New Orleans is doomed. THE FUTURE of the Saints, if my franchise mode game I'm currently embroiled in on my late model Madden '07 set-up, is to trade away Eli Manning, who would always either throw an interception or just stand around and wait to get sacked 17 times a game, for the Browns #1 draft pick, where they get a promising young scrambling Big Ten quarterback with a big arm, who automatically leads them to four Super Bowls in a row, and counting. Also, Mike Singletary will become their coach, and he will create a new hyper-speed turnover-happy defense that basically starts only ends, linebackers, and cornerbacks, plus one hard hitting headhunter strong safety. Once I finish designing my own half-assed two-quarterback playbook, to be coached by Brett Favre once he moves into coordinator mode, to complement Singletary's imaginary defense, I figure the Saints will win every Super Bowl ever until real life's computer runs out of memory for more success.

#7: CAROLINA PANTHERS (6-9, #24 overall) - The Panthers have mostly been my number two favorite team ever since they started because, honestly, growing up in southside Virginia - which is basically the unwiped ass of Virginia - I identified far more with North Carolina than D.C. I'd go to the drag races in Roxboro with my uncle Ricky to run his Vega, and we'd go camping at Buggs Island along the Virginia/Carolina border. Meanwhile, D.C. was either sketchy and drug-ridden, or evil and authoritarian. And as I grew older, northern Virginia grew more cluttered and became the epitome of suburban sludgish stalling sprawl that stifles a country boy's soul like my own. Shit, I'd rather live amongst crackheads in the city than try to weasel my way through that eternal cul-de-sac purgatory. So if they had existed back in the day, I probably would've been down with them instead of the Skins. (You know, back in the early days of the NFL, the Redskins radio network covered most of the south as well as West Virginia, as there were no other teams until you got to Miami, which is why the Redskins have so many fans amongst old asses in that part of the country.) But even as a casual fan of Carolina, I can see that beyond the obvious injuries, they've been stuck in the same mode the past few seasons, with no real building of the next shit, which sucks, because Steve Smith is about as loveable an NFL player as you're gonna find. I don't know what the fuck happened to Julius Peppers, and their most recent Kevin Greene-style retarded whiteboy linebacker has been lost too concussions most of the time the past couple seasons, and fucking Jake Delhomme has profited long enough off that one good run he had to the Super Bowl a few years back. But fucking Vinny Testaverde? Come on man, I'm not gonna be the same dumb shit NFL dork dude who's like, "That spunky guy just won't quit, and his field generalmanship will only blah blah blah..." Fuck John Fox. Give him another year to fuck things up, and then the Panthers ought to be throwing money and private jets Bill Cowher's way, since he wants to stay settled in Carolina anyways, but you know them football coaching fuckers who retire of their own accord never actually retired and have to be run off by stun gun-wielding security guards after being fired by an irate owner to actually leave football behind. THE FUTURE of the Panthers is to waste a couple more years of Steve Smith's career.

#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (3-12, #27 overall) - I would feel bad for Arthur Blank for this past year, with Michael Vick lying to him then getting sent to federal prison, and with Bobby Petrino lying to him then quitting to go to fucking Arkansas, and with Bill Parcels lying to him and then basically taking the exact same gig with the Dolphins, except for the fact my stupid Home Depot credit card just kicked in ultra-interest right before Christmas on the riding mower I bought last year, so my fake non-money wasn't straight enough to get my kids more useless shit they didn't really need but coveted because they had seen it in glossy catalogs in celebration of the birth of a jew magician. So fuck Arthur Blank. THE FUTURE for the Falcons is fucking terrible. I mean, I don't know if any one team has become so fucked up in one year's time in any major sport ever. If the NFL had soccerfag style relegation, the Falcons would be a leading candidate to get pre-eminently dropped to the second-tier.

Saturday, December 22

NFL WK 16: North division teams

So I’ve had Madden ‘07 for a few months when it got dropped to $10 once the newer shinier more important for you to consume right now Madden ‘08 dropped for $40, but never really got into it, as nothing compares to Madden ‘03 for the modern era (meaning on computers) for me football game dorking. However, I came to the conclusion after reading John and Mike talk up wrestling game dorking that I was stifled not by the new game but by my allegiance to the Redskins. In Madden ‘03, you had Steve Spurrier before everyone realized he sucked, and I could just run hurry-up offense and score 70 points on everybody. Today’s Redskins are punishers, but shitty at it, so the game is boring. Madden games, if you run a running offense, take far too long to play. I’d rather just run a high-speed offense and get the best secondary ever and just throw longballs all day long and complement that with interception returns galore. Straight up, that’s my recipe for success. So I decided to bust out the stupid Madden ‘07 and give it another franchise mode go, but I went with the Saints and a fantasy draft, creating a thuggish ruggish team full of young knuckleheads. Eli Manning, Steve Smith, Ben Watson, Steven Jackson, offensive line of fu manchu white dudes and negroes with names like D’Brickashaw and Pork Chop. It’s been great - I won a Super Bowl the first year, but am struggling with mediocrity the second year due to faggot Madden artificial intelligence injuring all my dudes like an asshole. But the bigger issue is how it has confused me with my for-real NFL watching. You see, mostly I draft regular players (meaning non-skill positions) that look awesome but I’m not too aware of, even though you try to get guys that are young that Madden game brain is gonna eventually pretend are awesome even if they suck in real life (like Eli Manning), but now I’m starting to see these players in games and it’s bothering me. Mostly because I don’t want to give a fuck about Omar Gaithers or Rocky Boiman. Madden football franchise mode super-dorkery, for me, is much more fun once you’re like 10 years down the road and it’s all imaginery fuckers and like maybe Devin Hester and Vernon Davis. I also feel conflicted about giving so much psychic energy to the Saints, who are ahead of the Redskins in the NFC wild card hunt. Me rooting for them, even in a fake game, but being a Redskin fan, could accidentally trigger Saints success, much like how the Monday night game I never gave up on the Redskins even though I logically should have, they scored two late Santana Moss touchdowns to beat the Cowboys. We all possess amazing powers, especially when you suspend science and bullshit that needs proof to be validated. Anyways, this is just a forewarning that I’m deeply immersed mentally in fake world where I go to bed at night imagining highlight reels of my interception squad or A.J. Hawk crippling Rex Grossman (who plays for the Falcons - hahaha, they’re having a shitty couple of weeks in even fake Raven plays Madden football world), so if I accidentally say some shit that doesn’t make sense, it’s partially because I’ve been rotting my mind with electronic stimuli, and partially because you’re a stupid fucker, most likely, just speaking on law of averages and shit, so don’t take it all personal...

#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (12-2, #5 overall) - Reason #3000 I've realized I'm getting old is I don't hate Brett Favre. It is standard fare for young hipster fags to be contrarian by nature and hate popular stuff and like irrelevant things to show how we understand the misunderstood and are ahead of the curve and secret geniuses, not hipster fags. However, I'm about to turn 35, and whereas I easily hated every great quarterback during my life like Joe Montana (softcore Joe Namath with frilly mullet) or Dan Marino (white man jheri curl throw for 3 million yards to Mark Duper and Mark Clayton but never amount to shit worth nothing outside of Christmas time Isotoner glove commercials) or Phil Simms (when a pussy puts his penis inside another pussy and makes a kid what does it end up being? Chris Simms, poor kid) or John Elway (horsefaced conman) whoever. But for some reason, I just can't hate on Brett Favre. I'd like to think I'm not just another chump ass brainwashed by the "linebacker mentality" "plays the game like a kid" surly '70s/'80s coaching kook talking point, but maybe I am. Favre was drafted into the pros by the Falcons around the same time I graduated high school, and now that there's only like 19 NFL players older than me, him being one of them, maybe rooting for a fucker like Favre allows me to hold onto my fleeing youth. I've got a couple white hairs sticking straight out my scraggleweed beard, and my days where being drunk and going "Haha, watch me roll down this flight of stairs and not hurt myself at all, ain't it funny as shit" have compounded into some achy ass bone connections, even a couple of outright misconnections that cause me to walk like a cross between Fred Sanford and Weird Harold from the Fat Albert Gang. But I am hoping for Favre this year, hoping these young offensive dudes who came from nowhere can help him and his homeboy Donnie Driver ride with a competently rising defense into the Super Bowl. Of course, being an NFL conspiracist at heart, it makes perfect sense, with the obvious themes of REMEMBER THE ICE BOWL with Cowboys vs. Packers, and New Hotness Super QB Tom Brady vs. Crafty Veteran Last Generation's Last Star Standing QB Favre in the Super Bowl. I guess you could plug Peyton Manning into that last one as well, but somehow I'm able to maintain my hipster fag contrarian at-all-costs attitude towards that fuckface. It is fun to do imitations of him talking like a cartoon hillbilly though. THE FUTURE for the Packers involves one last hurrah for old Favre, then they spend twenty years trying to get back to that.

#2: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-6, #10 overall) - Charles Bronson was always playing an outsider because of his very defined non-accentual accent. If it was a western, he was the lone settled Indian, or if it was the South, he was from the long guy from out west, or if it was the modern west, he was the lone person in town who trusted spics. He'd say calm things with his weird ass accent, then bash motherfuckers with bottles or trucks and duck down in the blind spot to pop out and shoot you. And that made his wide face and long flat mustache a noble ass-kicking face, one that could rile you up to think some serious shit was gonna go down, even if all he was doing was a public service announcement about littering. The Vikings are on a roll lately, and things seem to be going their way, but I just have no faith in it continuing into the playoffs, because Minnesota is a natural long-time second fiddle in the NFL, and Brad Childress's face is the opposite of Charles Bronson. A face like that could never fire up a team to kick ass. Shit, he looks like someone on a sexual offender registry website. And because Childress looks like a sexual offender, whenever I hear the name Chester Taylor, it makes me think of the Chester the Molester cartoons in old Hustlers. That, in turn, makes me think of old Hustlers, which causes me to want to masturbate 95% of the time. The other 5% it makes me think of a picture they had of two Orientals laying in a bed, and there's talk bubbles above their head and the girl's says "I wanna 69" and the guy's says "Why you wanna broccoli with chicken right now?" THE FUTURE of the Vikings is a soul-crushing loss to the Redskins that ruins their playoff hopes, and a like a billion yards rushing next year for Adrian Peterson once he learns wily veteran ways of the NFL to aid his speedy talent behind that punishing offensive line they've got right now in Minnesota. I guess they should probably try to find a better quarterback than Tavaris Jackson, aka Quincy Carter the 2nd.

#3: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (9-5, #13 overall) - The black and yellow have not been playing as superbly as of late, perhaps because Big Ben has been ailing, and also perhaps because they've been playing home games in a fucking Vietnamese rice farm (perhaps in honor of half of Hines Ward's heritage). But overall, I think Mike Tomlin's done well to hold things traditional. I mean fuck, Bill Cowher coached for like 20 years and only won one Super Bowl, but people act like he's coaching Jesus waiting to save another franchise from eternal failure whenever the money's right. But Cowher basically just did the same shit Chuck Knoll did, and he was the one who coached them to four Super Bowls in the '70s, which I guess is why Cowher seems so great because it was the same shit that won five Lombardi trophies. Tomlin carries that same stoic emotionless face, just instead of a jutting jaw of anger, he has the burning white eyeballs of black fury. THE FUTURE for the Steelers is hard to say, because when they go 13-3, they fuck up in the playoffs. But if they go like 9-7, they win the Super Bowl. I would expect them to be able to upset either the Colts or Patriots if they get it together and Herr Roethlisberger isn't all gimped out. But they could also just easily lose to either the Jaguars or Browns in the wild card round. But I will guarantee that Troy Polamalu will continue to be awesome the whole way either way. My man Black Conner of the stoner rock ensemble RPG told me some wacky pro wrestler sounding bullshit about what a kook Polamalu is, but I can't remember all the specific details, just that it made him awesome. Knowing or remembering things is for faggots anyways; real dudes just do shit. And Troy Polamalu is a real dude, but most of those Coconut Island players are.

#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (9-5, #14 overall) - The Browns are America's favorite underdogs right now, slushing through the snow and using their mad science field goal sensei to win eggball games. Now this fool team, led by a quarterback nobody ever heard of before, might even win their divisional title and get a home playoff game, with the snow blowing in off Lake Erie, and drunk ass hog jowled working class stiff dicks whooping it up... that's motherfucking football. Fuck a dome and fast teams and spread offenses. Kellen Winslow the Soldier has made it almost through his first whole season, and Jamal Lewis is playing again like he's about to get to sentenced to jail for letting friends broker coke deals on his cell phone. Remember when Charlie Weiss was the Belichick offspring genius and Romeo Crennel was the fat loser fuck who was overrated? Also, remember Charlie Frye? I don't even remember where they traded that guy (was it an NFL Europa team?), but he was their opening day quarterback. I bet his professional football ego needs assuaging like a motherfucker right about now. THE FUTURE of the Browns is to be an enjoyable collection of cast-offs and never-wases, that capture the hearts of all us freedom-loving, beer-drinking, football fan fuckheads until they lose and we're just left with the last four asshole super teams we're inevitably gonna be left with.

#5: DETROIT LIONS (6-8, #17 overall) - I think Matt Millen makes most of his general managerial decisions based on run-throughs on Madden, which is why he always drafts wide receivers. He probably won the Super Bowl three years in a row with Jon Kitna and Mike Martz three years in a row, so thought that shit would translate to real life. Seriously, how the fuck does Matt Millen still have a job? I mean, this year they start strong but then crumble to another nothing of a year, so I guess he can blame the coach and get him fired to actually make Mike Martz the bonafide head coach. But how many coaches can Millen throw under the bus before the Ford family finally gets it together? Also, does the Chevrolet family own any sports teams? And how come I can't get a vinyl sticker for the back window of my truck of Sorta Calvin pissing on a Cowboys star? THE FUTURE of the Lions is eventually fielding an offense of five wide receivers every play, in a super Martz genius offense run by Tim Tebow at quarterback. They will score 40 points a game, but give up 43 points a game, never win a playoff game, but inflate fantasy football stats everywhere.

#6: CHICAGO BEARS (5-9, #20 overall) - If I had a dollar for every white dude between the ages of 25 and 35 who is a lifelong Bears fan because when they were a kid at an impressionable age and rap music was first making the young dicks of white ears all hard with jungle sexuality, they were still kids who loved the football because it is what boys do that aren't Dominicans or rural dipshits (both of those play baseball), they were mesmerized by "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and it made them be Bears fans. Ever since, the Bears have sucked, except they might win like 14 games in the regular season and then suck, but it still ends up in sucking. But if I had a dollar for every dude like that I know, I'd have enough money to buy one of those authentic stitched number jerseys, and I'd get an authentic ass Walter Payton jersey, like in whatever color is most awesome to those lifelong Bears fans who were little white kids who thought "The Super Bowl Shuffle" was the greatest shit ever, which I guess is the regular black Bears jersey, which I don't think is actual black but some weird ultra-dark blue that's almost black, or maybe too black like how really dark-skinned Africans look almost blue-faced, and I'd use this really nice expensive authentic Walter Payton jersey to... I don't know... I was gonna say wipe myself after masturbating, but that's not practical because I usually use bath towels for that, ones that have been in the hamper so they're already damp so it's like having a baby wipe for my masturbation, but not really a baby wipe because wiping off from jacking it with a baby wipe is too close to child sexual abuse for my tastes. I don't want to use something advertising a baby's fresh ass to wipe the saliva and cum off my dick. So I'd probably use the Walter Payton jersey... well, nothing funny I can think of makes sense, because most likely I'd just sell it on ebay. THE FUTURE for the Bears involves shitty quarterbacks, lots of shitty quarterbacks.

#7: CINCINNATI BENGALS (5-9, #24 overall) - You know, this is stupid that I make myself do this bullshit. Like, "Oh fuck, the Steelers already played and the next game is tomorrow night, I better hurry up and meet my completely fantasy deadline so that four fucking anonymous internet jackasses who don't even like football will read my stupid bullshit and maybe post a comment like 'Haha Raven Mack, you so funny, also here's my witty comment blah blah blah.'" And that's what I think. And see, I was even gonna relate that to Bobby Petrino and be like "Fuck dumb shit, quit when you hate it," but in the process of doing that, I would've actually done what I was acting like I wasn't doing. Which is exactly what I ended up doing here, but made myself feel better about being a fucking cocksucking blogospheric faggot by condescending towards you, as if we're all stuck in a giant fagland and you are lesser than me because you are reading what I wrote, as if the action of creating the fagland is better and less gay than just hanging out in fagland. So yeah. Who gives a fuck about THE FUTURE of the Bengals?

#8: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-10, #25 overall) - It looks like the Brian Billick era is finally coming to an end. Ray Lewis is an old man doing his goofy pre-game dance still, looking like the drunk uncle at the family reunion busting an old school move when the DJ put on an old Ill & Al Skratch record. In fact, it's hard to think of even one hopeful aspect of their team. I mean, they have some punishers on defense still, but fuck, shouldn't they have actually had a halfway decent offense somewhere along the way by now? It also bothers me that a team that has the same nickname as my birth-given middle name would have such hideous uniforms. Couldn't they have rocked some lavendar ass alternate jerseys or something? THE FUTURE of the Ravens is rebuilding, rebuilding, rebuilding, which means sucking sucking sucking.

Sunday, December 16

NFL WK 15: East division teams

(Yeah, I got this shit up a little late this week, but that's because Mike's a dick and whenever he finally puts up the EWA 25, he gets all pissy if someone posts something else and bumps it from the top of the page. Also, I never finished writing this shit till just now. But I pretended like it was still yesterday when I finished it, doing some shut eye meditations, to find my motivation, and truly get into the character that is Raven from yesterday before he knew about football shit from today.)
Down to the final three weeks, and mostly we know what we need to know about all teams, so it's just time to gorge ourselves on material gluttony while the regular season wraps up, and get down to the quality one-and-done goodness of the playoffs come January. I have hit a second wind and am stoked for the football again. It's helped that the local shitty classic rock station has run one of this pick-every-game-and-win-shit contests on their website, and I'm currently in first for the season to win some fucked up flat screen home entertainment theater set-up bullshit, and even if it's generic ass cheap shit where the LCD stands for lead cancer disease, it's gonna be an upgrade from my old ass 32-inch that is not digitally equipped (I have one of those romulators or whatever hooked up to my DVD machine to make that shit work) and I actually go outside the house in my old man sandals to twist the metal pole running up the side of the house to aim the antenna-ish contraption on top towards whatever direction makes it snow less and the sound come out clear enough to understand. Actually, I'm a second place, but first place is one of their DJs and I'm assuming that fucker can't actually win the prize, so I'd win by default being in second. Either way, I'll pass that fucker, although I think I karmically jeopardize it by mentioning it on the internet. Oh well, I've never been a smart man, and have a hard time keeping all my superstitions straight, which is why I've always been cursed in life. Nonetheless, here's our last swing through the East division teams for the year, with futuristic prognostication included, because it's obvious I know what I'm talking about since I'm some faggot on the internet...

#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (13-0, #1 overall) - A lot is being made of this Jets/Patriots blood feud showdown where the Pats are expected to score 137 points to rub the Mangenius's face in his own cowardly complaints to the NFL about how the Patriots cheated like every motherfucker has always cheated in the NFL, making all the mark ass fans be all like, "Ooh, they cheated, Spygate, I'm a huge fucking twat sitting here watching 17 hours of football-related programming every Sunday and I'll just regurgitate everything they fucking tell me, stupid Belichick." A lot of football talking head chatter a month or so back revolved around whether the Patriots were running the score up on people, and the consensus talking head meme opinion seemed to be, "Hey man, this is the NFL, so if you don't want them to run the score up, stop them, play some defense and don't get completely fucked up." Now I love football as much as anybody else, but ever since the year the Ravens won the Super Bowl, it was pretty obvious to me that the NFL was a more updated and less reactionary sports entertainment form along the lines of wrestling, but more geared towards engineering public consciousness as opposed to mirroring it with demon voodoo dudes or evil rich guys. And the Patriots rise to dominance in a post-9/11 world has seemed to not be any accident to me, what with Tom Brady being a previously unheralded 6th round draft pick from Michigan (which has a large CIA program on-campus, according to this old John Birch Society fucker who used to run a bookstore near me), and Bill Belichick being a Navy man from his youth when his dad coached there. Brady sitting beside the first lady during Bush's State of the Unions that time or two is no coincidence either. These motherfuckers are two key ingredients in a football-style Manchurian Candidate MK:Ultra master-plan meant to get us Americans - the only ones to watch the footballs we watch - to feel better than the rest of the World, when they watch our Super Bowl in massive numbers to see the commercials and shit. But I've probably ranted about all that before. How does this relate to the Patriots running up the score, you may ask? Well, it is the nuclear option. We have refrained as a country from dropping tactical nuclear weapons ever since Hiroshima and Nagasaki got knocked the fuck out in the '40s. But don't think them motherfuckers doing the cash grab right now before American prominence drops aren't toying with the idea of busting that bold move out their bag of tricks. And it is pretty obvious the Patriots have run the score up on people, and that - up to this point in NFL history - has always been a shitty thing to do. Yet this year, suddenly, the talking head consensus is "fuck it, they're good enough to do that shit." It is conditioning to instill in us, as fat useless Americans who watch the aforementioned 17 hours of football-related programming on Sundays, to not be shocked or awed when they drop a nuke on Iran or Pakistan or wherever. The thing that fucked this up for the Patriots is Iran not having nuclear weapons anymore, according to the newspaper article I didn't bother to really read beyond the headline the other day. (It should be noted first Patriots Lombardi trophy was the year war in Afghanistan started, second was the year the war in Iraq started, and the third was probably thrown in to keep us gung ho.) Without any need to drop a nuclear weapon or twenty on Iran since American troops (aka broke ass fuckers born into locales with no hope signing up to try and catch a carrot in they mouth) spread thin, the need for the Patriots to beat people by 40 points every week is not there. THE FUTURE for the Patriots is very simple, and I'll throw out my "this shit is fixed" attitude for a minute. They are going to lose one game this year, guaranteed. Longshot chance the Jets could do it, just to throw us all a curve, or maybe the Giants win that last week in a second-string showdown where neither team really gives half a fuck since their spot in the playoffs is secure. But if the Patriots run the regular season table, I would fully expect them to either lose in the AFC Championship to the Colts or in the Super Bowl after feeling they had it locked up from superior AFC, getting shocked by the Packers so Favre can retire in style and be given a token Arena League team as well to further the NFL's ultimate desires to make that a NFL minor league spring organization for player development.

#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (12-1, #3 overall) - You would think as a Redskins fan, I’d be hating on this year’s incarnation of the Cowboys, but oddly enough I’m not. I guess it’s because Tony Homo so royally fucked up last year’s playoff appearance that I’m not convinced he won’t be convinced he’s doomed to do it again. Also, with T.O., it’s like the team could blow up in full terminal franchise cancer within weeks, although I think they’ve done good enough this year, it’ll be next year. This is kinda like the year the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl and lost, and T.O. was on the sidelines waving his towel around with his broken ankle and all was good, until the next year when shit went buckwild. THE FUTURE for the Cowboys is just that, probably next year, when shit goes buckwild. I mean, you’ve got T.O., who has never been happy ever since he denies himself the satisfaction of his true inner-sexuality; and then you’ve got Romo who is all twinkly-eyed and hot bitch-associated just like Jeff Garcia was; all led by an interim coach at best in Wade Phillips. It is a recipe for eventual hilarity, and I am anxious to make fun of it.

#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (9-4, #6 overall) - Internet porn has ruined everything to where we are all inundated with several hundred thousand naked bitches images to the point we are desensitized like you used to have really dedicate yourself to being, and even then it would take a long lifetime's of drunken Bukowski-isms to really attain such a point in life. Fucking 14-year-olds are like that now though. This has created in me a strange fetish lately where I get really excited - not just like, "Ooh, she's hot," but straight up hard dick excited - when I see a cute girl with nice normal-sized non-enhanced breasts, all perky and shit in a regular shirt, with like some normal jeans on, maybe hanging low enough to show a nice contour of ass flesh but nothing crazy low or no scrawny hungry ass starving white bitch sexy physique like the glossy magazines try to push on us. And I've been looking for websites than have like sexy women in clothes, or chicks in one piece bathing suits or shit like that, but to no luck. It's all naked sluts sucking 19 dicks in a row. The Giants red alternate red jerseys are kinda nice, except I've never seen any red in their uniforms my whole life, except I think that red stripe on the helmet, but I'm not sure that's always been there or not. They act like the red jerseys aren't weird for the Giants though, like it's a Sunday night specialty that's always been that way. New York City, as awesome as it is to most of you fuckers probably, represents to me part of my two-fold godless fuckthisitude (along with Berlin, Germany) in that people are all like, "Everything is going on there," but I just to think to myself whatever fucked warped shit you could think of, like gay sexual kiddie scat clubs for example, probably exist in both NYC and Berlin, and there's probably down-low alleys with like four clubs for gay sex kiddie scat fetish exploration within like two blocks somewhere in those cities. I'm not down with that shit, regardless of how much awesome shit it has to go with it. This is also why the internet creeps me out at times, because I have children and I feel like the internet is a cybertronic porthole into NYC and Berlin's godless fuckthisitude, right in the comfort of my kitchen, so one second my kid is looking up Christmas wish list stuff at americangirl.com, and the next thing you know, some 300 lb. S&M freak named Heinrich is IMing my kids pictures of oblong penises. THE FUTURE for the Giants is oblong penises in back alleys in some dark corner of Brooklyn, all the young players turned onto fetishized non-female sex by Michael Strahan.

#4: BUFFALO BILLS (7-6, #13 overall) - Yesterday as I was riding home, some dude was in front of me at one of those left turn yields on green stoplights, and I was sitting there looking at his truck window and he had a bumper sticker, along with a couple of Marine ones, that said "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A LOADED WEAPON POINTED IN YOUR FACE? KEEP HONKING". Of course, this made me honk my horn impatiently on purpose, even though I wasn't impatient (and it also made me glad I never hooked up my Dukes of Hazzard horn, because you can never take that horn for anything other than a sign of "What's going on y'all?"). Dude driving looked to be one of those young pseudo-Italian American mutt Toby Keith with shorthair type redneck yankees you see all around these parts. I honked a couple more times, and he responded by waving an emphatic middle finger out his window (it was a nice ass day yesterday), and since my window was down to, I just laughed loudly and kept honking. Dude looked back and then screeched his tires into a left turn on red, peeling the fuck out and almost getting hit by a car running the red light in the opposite direction. It was hilarious. But if you're gonna be running around with a bumper sticker like that, you mights care old ladies and shit, or make your goomba closet fag friends laugh when they're following you to the sports bar to watch a bowl game over some overpriced chicken wings, but I'm gonna call you on that shit. And guess what? You ain't gonna do shit. And if you did, whatever, I don't give a fuck. I wish I'd die a lot of days because I get bored with this bullshit, but I don't really want to die, so I do ridiculous reckless things, which never kill me but give me crazy lulz to share with others at later times. The Buffalo Bills, right now, are this hearty team performing well beyond their expectations of late. But like that pussy marine dude in front of me yesterday, once they are actually called on this by a true NFL team, they will crumble. That may happen this weekend against the Browns, or they may continue to work their trickery, but if they were to play a real team at some point were they to make the playoffs, they'd be peeling out of the stadium looking like faggot chumps just like Mr. Semper Fi did. THE FUTURE for the Bills is not so good. I mean, their two-headed quarterback is two guys who aren't really that great, and one of them looks like a stoner. Really the only notable player of any awesomeness they have is Marshawn Lynch, and I somehow don't foresee a gold-toothed hyphy-dreaded slang-slurring bad ass going over too well in the long-term in a place that usually has two feet of snow and only 37 black guys in the whole city who aren't current or former members of the football team. I see Marshawn Lynch being a free agent superstar in a couple years, or dumped off at the end of his contract like Willis McGahee was this past year.

#5: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5-8, #14 overall) - One of my favorite kids is this 10-year-old son of this lady I've been working a barter deal with. She teaches my wife plant voodoo and I do fancy-assed interior design seven colors in one room painting of her house in exchange. Her son is a funny ass kid though, and he's a big Eagles fan, so I always pick at his little wise ass about it. He talked his mom into getting me to paint his bedroom the Eagles colors, green with a silver strip around the top. I keep telling her we have to do it before the end of the season, because he used to be a 76ers fan too, but when A.I. went west, he started being a Nuggets fan, and I told her (and mocked him) that the Eagles will get rid of Donovan McNabb and then he won't like the Eagles anymore. It has her scared it's true, and he's all non-chalant, "Y'all are retarded" rolling his eyes about it because he's ten. So she calls me and leaves messages on my voice mail to try and set up me coming over to do that shit, but I haven't returned the call. I'm a busy man. I'm painting some shit before Christmas for a dude who I'm fairly certain used to be C.I.A. I've worked for former C.I.A. dudes before, including an old guy who lived in a house that James Madison's brother built or some shit and had wacky framed medals with pictures of him meeting Saudi looking sheiks or some such nonsense. Usually when I work for dudes like that, I get myself through the mindless boring nature of housepainting by imagining at any second ninjas on dirtbikes will pop out over the hill, coming to raid the house, but someone will have set up a razor wire between two trees to decapitate them. THE FUTURE for the Eagles does not involve three things, in domino effect: no more playoffs, no more McNabb, and no more Andy Reid. It might take another year or two for that last one to fall, but it's gonna fall.

#6: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (6-7, #21 overall) - It almost pains me that the Redskins still have a shot to sneak into the playoffs, because they don't deserve it to be honest, and if they did make it, it's not really an honor because then they'd just get punished by someone who actually is good. I have come to a point where, after he did that double time out shit against Buffalo at the end of the game, I don't think I want Joe Gibbs as my coach anymore. But he's definitely done good to accumulate perhaps the strangest collection of football players that an NFL team has collected in probably the last five or six years and maybe more. They have a team full of wacky ass motherfuckers. It's like North Dallas Forty, but for the free agency era, and free of whatever drugs they can actually test for according to collective bargaining bullshit. The problem is, if Gibbs goes, stupid Dan Snyder will not be smart enough to just promote Gregg Williams, who I think has earned that chance even if he did suck as a head coach in Buffalo, but Snyder will put out an all-points search for whatever overrated fuckface he can throw $7 million a year at, like Bill Cowher. How many decades did Cowher coach before he won a Super Bowl? Fuck that shit. Stay the course, but get a dude who's young enough to remember you can't call two fucking time outs in a row at the end of a game. THE FUTURE for the Redskins is to cause my ulcer to grow, so cheap macrobrewery beer leaks its poison interntally, creating early death for me.

#7: NEW YORK JETS (3-10, #30 overall) - Poor Chad Pennington's starting quarterback luster looks to be over, so I guess it's not too much longer before he's back off to Lord Pennington's summer estate to rape the Spanish housekeeper while her familia is mulching the fruit orchard, the symphony of sounds from their gas-powered garden tools drowing out her muffled cries of "Ayudarme... por favor," from inside the guest bedroom. Their new starting QB, Kellen Clemens, sounds like one of those dudes that the Madden game makes up for you to draft in the third round out of Hofstra or Utah State or some shit that has like one NFL player in the last 30 years but that's enough for Madden to have like four fake guys from there in every fake year's draft. My favorite is when you get black quarterbacks from Ivy League schools, like that shit's ever gonna happen in real life. Or white wide receivers from SEC schools. Or white guys named Jabbar. THE FUTURE of the Jets involves tons of shut-in losers who talk funny booing a bunch of stupid shit and getting all pissed off about the Jets sucking as if they haven't always sucked for most of these people's lifetimes.

#8: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-13, #32 overall) - This game against the crumbling Ravens will probably be the Dolphins last chance to not go O-for-the-season, and it leaves me in a tough position. On one hand, I'd love to see a team go winless, especially a team I have as much love for as tha Dogg Pound does for hoes, but it'd be just as great to see Brian Billick's eternally bloodsucking shitty ass get the wooden stake to his career hammered in a little bit deeper by losing to the Dolphins. THE FUTURE of the Dolphins is a #1 draft pick that I bet they draft an overhyped quarterback who performs mediocrely at best, and perhaps leading to a couple of wild card berths five years from now if Ronnie Brown is not broken in half by then.

Thursday, December 13

dudes I might maybe vote for #2

I had promised myself I’d do this gimmick every first Monday of every month going up to the election, but my dick has not been hard for internet-tomfoolery this past week or two, much less the incredibly wasted effort of even thinking about politics. Seriously, every major candidate could die tomorrow in plane crashes, and then we’d get a new slew of candidates, and then they could die, and you could repeat that shit like five or six times before next November, and we’d still have nothing but shitheads. That’s why I think the original hashishin assassin cult was such a great idea, because it attached a religious fervor to killing a motherfucker in public, and if people running for office knew that instead of just sitting around doing speaking engagements and collecting fat pensions they might get their throats slit before they finished being a dirtbag politician, we might have better people doing this shit. Or at the least, the child molesting white dude scumbags who make up our politician base would at least try a little hard to leave some a scrap of meat on the bones they throw the rest of us to make us give a fuck once every four years.
Anyways, here are the seven fuckers I’d be most likely to vote for if the election were this week, keeping in mind that I will only actually vote for someone if they end up being on the actual ballot in my pseudo-southern state of Virginia.

#1: LANAKILA WASHINGTON (Humanist Party candidate) - Mr. Washington is still my number one man, and until I’m sure he’s not on the ballot in Virginia, which he never will be, he’ll probably stay here. I like his Nation of Gods and Earths-style pseudo-science combined with the artistic utopia aspirations of a new age cult hippie. In fact, I have taken to, in my slow times, writing Humanist Party pamphlets that I type up to work as tri-fold one-sheet deals that I print up at the local copy shop where this Hip Mama type punk hippie Whole Foods tattoo whore who has a hankering for me works at, and then we fold them up together, sharing happy-eyed flirts and playful squeezes at each other’s hips and thighs, and I take the pamphlets and leave them in public bathrooms. I’ve been meaning to tell the print shop slut I’m a happily married man, but I haven’t wanted to ruin her hooking me up with free copies. And plus, I might want to cheat on my wife one day.

#2: RON PAUL (Republican Party candidate) - Holmes moved up from my last list, and is the highest placing person who actually stands a legitimate shot to make my state’s ballot. I’ve even heard Paul might run as a third party pseudo-Libertarian candidate, although a lot of the polls show him doing fairly well against the lackluster Republican candidates, and he got like a ton of money donated to him in one day. Apparently, paranoid ass Gen X-er fuckfaces (of which I’m probably one, demographically speaking) like him because of his Libertarian antics and wanting to just do shit by the Constitution. The Libertarian Party is like revolution-light for people who really want to question authority but don’t want to mess up their mortgages and nice credit lines they were born into. It’s like pretend revolution where you just go back to those wonderful simplified and romanticized perfections of how America was created, but with modern open-minded societal standards. I don’t know one person who considers themselves a Libertarian who has more than maybe one gun, so they’re not for-real revolutionaries. The fact of the matter is, voting for shit won’t change shit, no matter how many stupid Democrats you fucks elect next year. It’s like dying because all you’ve been drinking is Pepsis, and you go, “Shit man, if only I could drink Coke, I’d be healthy again.” I guess Libertarians are like RC Cola or maybe high fructose corn syrup-sweetened root beer.

#3: GENE AMONDSON (Prohibition Party candidate) - You know, last time I did this shit, I was pretty much downing almost a 12-pack a night, and I think Gene Amondson's funny-to-me website tricked me into not drinking anymore. I only drank half-a-beer the whole month of November, and haven’t touched a drop yet this month. I never really felt like an alcoholic so much as a dude who drank a lot out of habit and nothing better to do (or drink really). I’ve also tried to quit drinking sodas, so there’s not shit to really drink that makes me happy anymore. Luckily, drinking red eyes so much of the time when it’s warm has given me a pseudo-drink as I just fill mason jars with ice, tomato juice, and water, and drink that shit. Since my heavy drinking was mostly habitual attachment to the five or six things I do in life, this replaces the habitual action, although drinking all that tomato juice gives a motherfucker some serious acid belly feelings. If I don’t wanna drink alcohol nor soda, I’ve noticed how fucked I am at restaurants, because those are pretty much your two choices. If I get an apple juice or something, you run the chance of them bringing out a juice box thinking it’s for my kid or whatever. Anyways, I still find the fact a grown dude would think banning alcohol would solve all of America’s ills crazy hilarious, and would ironically vote for this guy seven times if he gets on my ballot, just to see if he does his Grim Reaper outfit sermon from the 1920s schtick as President, and then how he’ll change such a one-trick schtick as he realizes everybody’s already saw that one and he has to do something new or he’ll get assassinated. Then again, that will martinize him. Maybe assassins will go back to that hashishin shit I was talking about before, except they’ll be drunken cults. “Drunken cults”... even though I’m not drinking that much anymore, I can still respect the beauty of such a phrase. I’d join them motherfuckers in a heartbeat. I don’t want to not drink, I’m just trying to cleanse my system out because I could feel the poisons making my mind dull. Once I get my mind’s edges all sharpened the fuck back up, you best believe I’m gonna be drinking again, because nothing is more awesome in my 34 years of life experience than having sharp ass mentality full of kooky literary sounding crazy talk combined with drunken physical inhibitions. That is a recipe for kick ass.

#4: JOHN TAYLOR BOWLES (National Socialist Party candidate) - Some of the pieces of the platform Bowles is running on really speak to me. Namely, the elimination of all credit debt and abolition of the predatory credit system that is undermining America’s future, as well as the monthly stipend for all unworking Americans. These are things as the richest nation on Earth, we should want to provide for each other. My biggest gripes with Bowles are probably related to his deportation of all non-whites from America and no longer allowing non-whites to live here. But at the same time, it would be neat if somebody could do like a mini-segregation experiment to see what happened. Like that would be a good reality show. The greatest thing about John Taylor Bowles and the National Socialist Party, and at the same time what makes them seem even less credible than they already are with their outlawing of non-whiteness in comic sans font, is the fact they are actually dressed just like those dudes in The Blues Brothers in those little Hitler/Boy Scout den leader combo outfits. That’s some funny shit, and it makes me imagine Bowles riding around South Carolina in a little red stationwagon, campaigning outside of rural flea markets to get on the ballot in his home state.

#5: JOHN EDWARDS (Democratic Party candidate) - In all the hullaballoo about there being a prominent black dude and woman dude running for Demorican nomination, it is lost that it's a sweep of multicultural horizons about to be shattered as there's a gay dude running too in John Edwards. Now, I would never vote for a Democrat ever, because if I had to choose between one of the two major parties, I'd much rather choose some God-ordained retard Republican who will make gallops towards armageddon as opposed to pussy Democrats who prefer the two-step Bojangles shuffle towards armageddon. Edwards is my least favorite of probably every candidate ever, but I wanted to give him some gloss this month, and I would vote for him probably right now, because I find it hilarious his whole "Ah'm just like y'all... mah daddy was poor just like you all... he worked in a shitty factory that shut down just like y'all did... ah can feel you all's pain," then he hops into his limo with his little weasel lawyer ass to suck a Puerto Rican's dick before going back to Marriott where he meets his wife for dinner in the Presidential Suite. Check this out John Edwards... I was born a doomed broke ass too, and am probably the most successful member of my extended family in this generation as I am still married to the person I’ve made children with and I sort of own my own business even though I keep it off the books like The Beatnuts to scam earned income credit workingman welfare. Like five years ago, my dad stroked himself to death mostly because fortysomething men shouldn’t be drinking a fifth of vodka daily and spend their weekend time staying awake snorting crank. After we buried him, someone took a picture of me, my two sisters, and my two step-brothers in front of the dilapidated Plymouth Arrow pick-up truck my dad had spray-painted an American flag on. You know where we all are now John Edwards, Mr. I’m Just Like You and Know Your Southern Gothic Pain Together We Can Get ‘Er Done? Well, I told you about my shady shit, but I sort of quit drinking I think, though it could just be me freaking out about having another kid next month and by this time next year I’ll be a fortified wine-crippled hobo claiming F.T.R.A. and killing crusty punks for fun. One sister is a little too much like my dad, but could turn it around, she’s still kinda young. Other sister had a brief spell of meth addiction while emotionally attached to a crackhead boyfriend who tried to kill them both by crashing their car into some bullshit one night. She’s straight now and doing good, promising career as a waitress in a small town pizza joint. One step-brother I talked to this week, he’s in Charlotte now, working in a fast food joint, and is in the National Guard and was supposed to get shipped to help guard the southwest border, but he couldn’t leave the state being out on bond, so he’ll get shipped to I think Iraq next summer if he beats his charges. Those charges stem from the other step-brother who robbed a convenience store after hours and got his brother implicated somehow, but now is unimplicating him apparently. That step-brother’s been in the regional jail since June because no one bloodline related to him (I was till death do us part, and like I said, my dad died, so fuck them people) can afford to bail him out, being his mom works at Wal-Mart and has her own pending charges from getting mauled by her new fiancé’s daughter. I was thinking about going down there to visit him on Monday (that’s visiting day) and put $20 on his books, because I used to work with a lot of guys on work release from there and I know you can’t even get an aspirin for a headache if there’s no money on your books, it being a privatized jail working for profit not rehab. What I’m getting at Mr. Edwards is fuck you and your “I’m just like you” bullshit. I have never hated a candidate in my life as much as you, because usually them fuckers don’t try to pull that hokey shit like they can relate to me. They just write me off, rightfully so, as dirty blooded white trash doomed to not vote, not care, and procreate just enough to keep the drywall hung and carpentry carpented in the subdivisions they build to rip off the middle classes with. Although I guess with the illegals in full effect at a lower wage and without all the complaining like this rant but at a jobsite about other bullshit, you fucks will probably phase us out now. But fuck you Mr. John Edwards. You ain’t winning shit because nobody believes your bullshit and none of us shitty hopeless southerners believe you give half a shit. You’re a lawyer in a suit, so no matter how twangily you talk and how many country diners you get a hamburger steak at, you might as well be a fucking bagel-stuffed Jew from Boston, you fake ass piece of shit. Also, we can all tell you’re a fag. Just because you claim North Carolina instead of Tennessee - the traditional southern homosexual enclave state - doesn’t trick us, because we all know by now that whole triangle Raleigh/Durham area has mad gay shit going on.

#6: JONATHON SHARKEY (Vampire, Witches, & Pagan Party candidate) - He is a fortysomething fake ass vampire from New Jersey who, of course, refers to himself as The Impaler, so automatically everything about him makes me cringe. Yet this early on in the field of outlandish retards who decide to "run" for President, he's about the best one we've got. It is a common stereotype to mock these vampire pagan types, but have you ever really met some? When we were pregnant with our first baby, we had Bradley method birthing classes with a pagan couple, and man oh man, they were wacky. Like, I'm a wacky dude, believing some fucked-up shit and living my life by strange and unproven codes that probably only make sense to me, but there's a humor in my beliefs and life. I can smile and interact with most other people of any walk of life. The whole vampire pagan types seem to be first class misfits who attempt to make their misfittery into some sort of undiscovered genius cool kids club, but then they even kinda hate each other because they realize what a bunch of fucking losers they're hanging out with, and that makes them question themselves even further, causing more black velvet dresses to be worn and celtic runes to be cast over trivial psychological dramas. Just in case someone googles this dude and is some sort of vampire pagan fucker, here is what I can tell you. We all are ugly people, plus stupid. The trick is to accept your stupidity and chill with it enough to find funny shit in how stupid you are, because if you laugh at your own dumbass, it takes the edge off of others doing that shit. Also, flaunt your ugliness in tricky ass ways to make it sexy. I'm a big goofy motherfucker, but I got mad bitches double taking at me and flirting like sluts, because I carry my shit with enough confidence to trick them into thinking I have a large enough dick to create orgasms that don't involve a tongue on their clit repetitively like you always have to do.

#7: RUTH BRYANT WHITE (no party affiliation) - Fuck Barack Obama and his bi-racial ass (he's bi-racial, right?), because the for-real candidate for multi-racial aficionados is this Ruth Bryant White chick, who’s from Colorado or Utah or somewhere out there in just-past-midwest-wasteland-but-not-quite-west-coast, married to a white dude, and she looks kinda like she’d be the uglier sister of Craig’s mom from Friday. She is my #7 candidate right now, and would probably jump at least two spots if she’d just go ahead and make up some sort of party name for her candidacy like every other local oddball who has no legitimate shot always does. She should be larger in our consciousness though, because while everybody’s all “Whoa, we could have our first black President... or even our first woman President,” we could just all vote for her and kill two birds with one stone. Also, apparently, she was the first person to declare her candidacy for this 2008 election. (And actually, upon further review, it looks like Ruth’s grown her hair out or gotten a weave or something, and she’s looking better now, good enough for me to want to make sexual euphemisms using “her oval office”, but I’m kinda busy right now gearing up to masturbate while taking a shower. I just can’t figure out which of my friend’s wives to think about fucking, so I’ll probably go for a New Year’s Eve party, me and two drunk wives the last ones awake in the basement “Hey, let’s play a game” ending up with me fucking this big-tittied from on top while the other one licks my ass fantasy. But no fingers up my ass. Fingers in my ass feel like that scraping tool dentists use, and only stops all sexual feelings in me and makes me want to smack the shit out of everybody in the room. I am not the type that has that add to my sexual fantasy, although I did try to masturbate to that once, but I had to make a sexy woman cop come arrest me to finish the fantasy in a sexually exciting way.)

Thursday, December 6

NFL WK 14: West division teams

So this begins that last quarter of the professional football regular season, and thus the last time I cycle through the four directions of divisions. So for these next four weeks, I'll also give a little Nastrudamaja-like glimpse into each team's future, both immediate and more long-term. Because if I'm gonna pretend to be a football expert, then I need to do dumb shit like that. The past week or so has sucked to be a Redskins fan, not only because the punisher of the team got murdered to death, but also because our head coach is obviously mentally declined from his first run in the NFL. And to top this shit off, they play on Thursday night on some new-fangled bullshit network, and I don't have anything but elaborate coathangers on my tin roof to draw in TV pictures, so I know I don't have NFL Network. So I'll have to go to the local pub to catch that shit, if they even have the NFL Network. And I kinda stopped drinking for the most part, but how the fuck is a chronic genetic alcoholic like me supposed to sit in what is basically an alcohol buffet restaurant and not drink? What the fuck else am I gonna do? Drink Dr. Pepper and have the little slut bartendresses get all pissed at me because they know two things equal tips: flirt and drunk. Oh well. Of course we start with the West divisional teams because both of these divisions suck and it's kinda unfair that the playoffs even has to take one for each conference playoffs...

#1: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8-4, #8 overall) - Oh good, Shaun Alexander is back just in time to help the Seahawks flame out - no pun intended - in the playoffs. They did alright there while he was out turning into a Madden-like offense with Hasselfuck spreading the ball amongst his large array of cast-off wide receiver second-level superstars. But now Alexander is back to help the team have it’s proper pussy bitch-when-punched-in-the-face reverse smashmouth personality so they can suck it up against a wild card team in the playoffs. THE FUTURE for the Seahawks involves winning their weak ass division, then getting dogged at home in the wild card round, probably against the Giants. Although Mike Holmgren’s part of that Bill Walsh freemason illuminati coaching tree, so they might get automatically advanced into the divisional playoffs to lose to Green Bay in a symbolic Mike Holmgren vs. Brett Favre ceremonial game to help Favre have memory-laden playoff luster for his run this year.

#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (7-5, #11 overall) - I have pointed out time and again this year how magically mediocre Norv Turner is, and it’s hilarious to see it play out just like that. The Chargers, one of the best three teams in the NFL without doubt coming into the season, now barely above .500 and only guaranteed a playoff spot because they play in the AFC West where every team is one more key injury away from getting next year’s first overall pick in the draft. I feel sorry for Chargers fans because fuck, you have Antonio Gates and L.T. together, and Philip Rivers is serviceable enough to handle distribution without fucking it up too bad, and you don’t have two great offensive players like that on the same team for that many years, and this is another one the Chargers are squandoring. But what do you do? On one hand, they fired Schottenheimer after what... 14-2 last year, so the precedent is set to fire Turner. But you can’t fire a dude after on season who makes the playoffs, even if they backed into it by beating out an impotent division. And who do you get if you do dump Norvell? The point is, if you are a Chargers fan, you are fucked for a couple of years with this deal, and that’s a couple of years of L.T.’s career wasted away. THE FUTURE for the Chargers will be the playoffs, and there’s no way they can go into Indy or Boston and win in January, but honestly, they most likely will get the Jags in the wild card round and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them suffer another heartbreaking home loss this year. And next year, more heartache and pain.

#3: ARIZONA CARDINALS (6-6, #18 overall) - The only thing stopping the Cardinals from running their inside track to the final playoff spot in the NFC is the fact they are ultimately the Cardinals. It’s not like that franchise has a history of delivering on it’s potential, and when you throw in the exclamation point of fumble-happy Kurt Warner at quarterback, it only makes it worse. But they do seem like they might have the easiest path to steal that last spot. Of course, this means they will probably lose to the 49ers because of a safety or some retarded 1957 type shit that never happens nowadays. THE FUTURE of the Cardinals involves more failed graspings at high expectations, regardless of whether they make the playoffs or not. They are the Cardinals and play in Arizona, meaning nobody gives a fuck, not even their own players.

#4: DENVER BRONCOS (5-7, #21 overall) - The big news this week from the Broncos was how Travis Henry beat his drug suspension using mad science to prove how it was second-hand reefer smoke that caused him to fail. In all the sports radio/internetting talking on this subject, everyone makes comedic mention of how he has nine children by nine women. Even though most of these talking heads/sportswriters would have you believe they are as open-minded as a homosexual unitarian in a gentrified neighborhood, there is inherent racism in them complaining about this, because you can sense the “what a nigger” just below the surface, and I’m sure all these fuckfaces wish there was a really derogatory word that wouldn’t make black people so angry that they could use to describe black people who do what they deem as stupid shit like Travis Henry. I, for one, stand against that. I wish I had nine children by nine women. Childbirth has been a beautiful experience for me both times I was there to see it, as animalistic and emotional as sex, but on the other end of the spectrum. I would love to share that wonderful DNA bond with a plethora of beautiful women, of all shapes and colors. Like lately, I’ve been into skinny chicks with puffy nipples, and that type of scrawny chick looks really stretched out when full of a baby, and it’s a hot ass look for them. Obviously, they’re much hotter without the baby because I’m always afraid I’m gonna poke the baby in the head when trying to knock the bottom out of that shit with my six inch grinder. You never want a breached birth because of the dangers involved, but I know I wouldn’t feel as weird if my dickhead was thrusting towards a baby’s foot than a baby’s head. I think it’s weird how people get so uptight about making babies with a bunch of different people, as if making babies was some precious emotional contract. Shit man, we’re animals and the best way to survive is make more animals. The more I spread my genetics throughout the genetic pool into as many different corners as I can. (I’m assuming the genetic pool is a rectangular Olympic-style pool as opposed to a kidney-shaped one without corners, or it would be like that joke about how do you confuse Jackson Pollock? You take him into a round room and tell him to piss in a corner.) Props to Travis Henry. I hope he makes a new baby with a new baby’s mama to celebrate his newfound not-suspendedness. THE FUTURE of the Broncos? I don’t know. Running backs getting thousands of yards behind a cheap shot offensive line, and ratface Mike Shanahan attempting to hide his NAMBLA membership card behind his weak ass scowl. Plus a lot of horseface Elway retrospectives about their glory years those two years when they didn’t lose the Super Bowl yet again.

#5: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (4-8, #27 overall) - Outside of the power mullet prowess of Jared Allen, this has been a horrible year for the Chiefs. Luckily for them, they play in the shittiest division in the AFC, so they could at least have that quick run where they were in first by default and could pretend they were like one or two key players away from a Super Bowl. Such nonsense thinking will probably buy Herm Edwards another year. And what’s up with mulatto people always getting referred to as black? Herm Edwards’ mom is like a thick-faced German lady, as white as can be. Can’t I call Herm a white coach? Or can we finally just give up this black and white bullshit and just call mulattos mulattos? Or is that derogatory too? I guess it is, because I’ve read “bi-racial” in the same fruity magazines that say things like “permafrost” and have allegedly witty cartoons with Dick Cheney eating babies while shooting his friends in the face outside a Wal-Mart. THE FUTURE for the Chiefs is to continue to be mediocre with like three or four awesome players, like always, who are never enough to make them a great team, but just enough to keep them relevant enough to fill Arrowhead Stadium with a bunch of dumb midwesterners who think you should barbecue the already tasty meat of a cow. Everybody knows that barbecue sauces were meant to make the devilish flesh of a pig sweet or tart enough to taste good with some cole slaw as a hamburger-style sandwich. Barbecued ribs... what the fuck? Next thing you know, you’ll try to convince me that it’s somehow better to use dry spices instead of an actual sauce. Fucking hick ass idiots. Thank God I’m from the South, where we have actual black people and universities more often than every 200 miles through cornfields.

#6: ST. LOUIS RAMS (3-9, #28 overall) - Hard to believe the Rams were right there with the Dolphins at O-for-the-season last time we went through this shit. They’ve whipped up three wins, and Stephen Jackson is doing fairly well even though the offensive line is all sorts of fucked up right now. Shit, if Frerotte hadn’t fumbled away that one game, they’d have won four in a row (or four out of five... I ain’t looking that shit up, and if you know I’m wrong, then congratulations, you know your football numbers trivia good). THE FUTURE for St. Louis is hard to say. I mean, they kinda sucked this year, but they had injuries. But their coach, who is not Mike Martz, has not really proven himself. But they’re also in the NFC West, meaning if they ended up scoring a gamebreaker linebacker in the draft or free agency, and they could squeeze another year out of their 200-year-old wide receiving corps, they could be NFC West champs next year. But just as easily, they could only be better than the 49ers next year.

#7: OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-8, #30 overall) - Jamarcus Russell has finally played. My stupid fantastical football team has not had a good running back all year, so I’ve been doing the scrap heap thing for the most part (which has helped me be #1 mothefuckers), and the past couple weeks my Earnest Graham, Chester Taylor, and Justin Fargas of the Raiders RBs have been my best performers since I got screwed by auto drafting Deuce McAllister and Stephen Jackson in the beginning. I have no idea who the fuck Justin Fargas is, and he sounds like he could even be white, which would be great. At one point, I was researching out all these stupid top 40 lists to do on a blog (because I’m a numbers nerd) and two of the ones I was gonna do was NFL’s all-time leading white rushers, as well as NFL’s all-time leading black passers. With Mike Alstott retired, there’s no real white running back who gets yardage beyond the normal concussion-happy fullback mode of “here’s the boy go pound yourself brain first into that two thousand pound pile of humanity ahead of you” left in the NFL. So I will pretend Justin Fargas is a white dude. THE FUTURE for the Raiders, if they get even mediocre and wild card contendable behind Russell and whatever they land with their high draft pick this offseason, is astronomical jersey sales. Those black jerseys are classic material and would sell easy as fuck if anybody knew anybody on the Raiders, and those alternate grey jams are even hotter. When I was buying the markdown fuckers at the outlet store earlier this year, I passed up the alternate grey Lamont Jordan for some fucking number 23 bright blue alternate UCLA jersey, because I didn’t really have any super bright clothes. I got on a kick where everybody around me was either one of those alt.country recovering pseudo-hippies or straight up rednecks with minor hippie tendencies, and both of those types of people wear earth tones almost exclusively, and I wanted to be contrarian. I’ve actually been wanting a bright purple or lime green stocking hat for the wintertime, but seriously, the only single-color jams I have found are black or blaze orange. Everything else has some goofy Von Dutch or OC Choppers bullshit embroidery or patch on it. I don’t want patches and embroidered shit, just a blank hat. If I want something embroidered on it, I’ll take my single-color bright purple hat, and have my wife hand embroider a gold star on it, with maybe - in bright purple thread with lavendar thread underside embossing - GOD’S HAT in a nice freehand bubble font.

#8: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (3-9, #31 overall) - In my lifetime, the Miami Dolphins and San Francisco 49ers played in a Super Bowl. No shit. THE FUTURE of the 49ers, you would think involves crazy success, because their coach wears a suit. If ‘80s movies taught me anything, it’s that dudes who wear suits are mad successful. I would imagine if he drives a Delorean with those spaceship Lambo doors, and wears some high dollar aviator sunglasses during practice, the 49ers are even more bound for success.