RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Wednesday, March 31

S14: Top State Of Virginia Scorers In The Last Four NCAA Tournaments

I have been doing all these stupid Sporting 14s on tournament scoring, and had planned on just rolling through the daily tournament posts until the NCAA March Madness wound down to nothing left. But I am a lifelong Virginia, and just got to dwelling on how poorly my home state has shown in the NCAA tournaments in recent years. So I went back through my painstakingly and dorkily compiled records, and got you right here the list of the fourteen dudes who played at Virginia schools who have scored the most points in the NCAA tournaments in the past four years. An odd thing I noticed while doing this is there are actually only four states with more college basketball teams than Virginia. Still, there's not a great amount of success from my home state. It's not a glamorous list by any means, but even small ponds have to have big fish...
#1: Eric Maynor (VCU guard; 57 total points in three games in the NCAA tourney, two in 2007 and one in 2009) - Definitely the Virginia state highlight of the past four years, nailing a last second shot to sink Duke in the first round in 2007. Considering Larry Sanders is an NBA first round draft prospect this year, and Maynor was drafted last year (and plays for Oklahoma City right now), it's really disappointing that they couldn't do shit last year when they got back in.
#2: J.R. Reynolds (Virginia guard; 54 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - Virginia basketball is low right now, what with new coach Tony Bennett having run off half the team. But he seems to have a plan, which I don't think UVA has had since Pete Gillen was run off, so hopefully that will eventually pay off.
#3: Sean Singletary (Virginia guard; 42 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - Man, Singletary/Reynolds was a serious ass combo to have at one time. And still they didn't get much out of it. In this year's ACC, a tandem like that could've finished 3rd or 4th.
#4: Gerald Lee (Old Dominion forward; 34 total points in three games in the tourney, one in 2007 and two in 2010) - The biggest forehead around, like his brain is swelling. He is part Finlandish, so maybe that's normal for Finlandish mulattoes.
#5: Jesse Pellot-Rosa (VCU guard; 34 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - Hot shot guard who had a steady wife who was his high school sweetheart and a little kid back during his senior year. It was a nice feelgood story I remember from the newspaper. I wonder how that turned out after he played a couple years in Europe?
#6: B.A. Walker (VCU guard; 30 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - B.A., as in Baracus.
#7: Frank Hassell (Old Dominion forward; 30 total points in two games in the 2010 tourney) - Damn, I watched them play two games just a month ago, and I have no idea who the fuck this even is.
#8: Deron Washington (Virginia Tech forward; 29 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - Oh man, this dude was the light-skinned speed demon dunkmaster with his mom in the front row of every game back then. One of my favorite Virginia state players of the past four year cycle.
#9: Jamon Gordon (Virginia Tech guard; 26 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - I remember him being the second half of a formidable tandem with Washington, but I always liked Deron more, mostly because his mom was big and fat and happy and excited and always cheering. More teams need their damn diabeetus moms cheering emphatically all the damn time.
#10: Jamal Shuler (VCU guard; 26 total points in two games in the 2007 tourney) - Role player.
#11: Will Thomas (George Mason forward; 25 total points in one game in the 2008 tourney) - Also rocked it out during George Mason's Final Four run, but that's outside of my four year window parameter.
#12: David Gonzalvez (Richmond guard; 18 total points in one game in the 2010 tourney) - They interview this dude on the local state AM sports radio drive home show, and he's like the nicest college basketball aged kid ever. You look at pictures of him and he looks like some weird nobby-headed Puerto Rican kid, but he comes across as so goddamned nice. Like I imagine if he reads this googling about himself, he's gonna send me an email asking how my kids are doing.
#13: Keyon Carter (Old Dominion forward; 18 total points in two games in the 2010 tourney) - Another not-Gerald Lee dude from ODU this year.
#14: Kent Bazemore (Old Dominion guard/forward; 17 total points in two games in the 2010 tourney) - Bazemore was the one dude from Old Dominion who could domineer some bullshit, both with long threes and gangsta dunks. Next year, you bitch ass Monarchs, VCU will crush your stupid blue and white asses.

J.J. Krupert Top 13 Countdown - March '10

This is the March J.J. Krupert countdown of most played songs on my stupid gaypod machine that has not been listed beforehand in previous months. It is always funny going back through this, because usually it's the stuff I was obsessing over two weeks ago and now I'm obsessing over some other shit that I end up talking about next month. I have always thought about starting to share links for the music each month, but fuck man, the internet is full of fools sharing music. Trust me with what I write about this bullshit and go steal it for yourself.
#1: "I Washed My Hands In Muddy Water" by Charlie Rich - Oh man, like I think I've said before, I knew Charlie Rich as the "Behind Closed Doors" dude, which is a great song. I have the record with that single on it and my kids say he looks like a pig man on the cover, and they oink at it when I play it. This song is from some batch of old early Charlie Rich shit I downloaded at some point inside the cybernetz, and good fucking lord. There's a velvet smoothness like Sun labelmate Elvis Presley, yet more outlaw to this old Charlie Rich shit than Johnny Cash had at that point. Honestly, after hearing all this old stuff, it's easy to see how Johnny Cash probably co-opted some of his man in black swagger from Charlie Rich. (Side note: there should really be a pair of rappers from some medium-sized city in the south who go by Charlie Rich and Johnny Cash. Maybe me and Mike Gee will start rocking that style.) This song is fucking amazing, old school southern white dude outlaw smoothness, like a good David Allan Coe song but done without a hitch in the sanging or a stumble in the delivery. Of course, that's what makes good outlaw country so outlaw is the raw nature of it, but with the Charlie Rich style, and him talking about robbing people and driving Cadillacs and stuff, it gives it a gangsta smooth factor that the white underclass has pretty much abandoned for nearly fifty years when it gets it's outlaw on in the music industry.
#2: "Thank Yuh Jah" by Vybz Kartel - I probably first came across it when I was on a heavy Mavado kick a few years back, but whoever the fuck started the shift from the hyper ragga style of the '90s into the more traditional sing-songy reggae style but with bass-heavy beats (that are not the annoying 5000 bpms of reggaeton) is a Jamaican national treasure. I do not know, nor care to learn, about all the beefs going on between the best reggae dudes, but I know they apparently all fall into two factions that constantly battle, and were apparently from the same faction at some point. Vybz Kartel, like all reggae dudes, does corny ass sexually explicit songs which just make me feel like a dumbass because I don't have four fat assed chicks shaking their ass like it's having an epileptic seizure but the rest of their body is fine (and I mean fine) in front of a tin shack building. This is some chill ass modern reggae, yet since it's modern, he talks about smoking herb when he wakes up and the lyrics aren't nearly as spiritual as your average Rainbow Gathering dreadlocked white rastaboy would desire in his leisurely battles against Babylon, brah, but the style of it all is so fucking great. I actually played this song nine times in a row one day going to work.
#3: "Long Haired Country Boy" by The Charlie Daniels Band - This song is ingrained in my brain from Saturday and Sunday mornings. My folks, and later once they separated, my dad on the solo tip, would be up late as fuck partying on Friday and Saturday nights. But my dad would raise up early, usually earlier than he did on days he had to work, probably because he was always motivated to be laid back more than go listen to some asshole all day to try and earn a dollar. And the old man would be pumping music, usually not till 8 in the morning though, out of respect to everybody else. When I was a teenager and had started getting all fucked up myself on weekend evenings, I'd so want to sleep till noon, but the music would be blaring early on, and the smell of bacon and eggs and homemade biscuits would be kicking it as well. I learned how to tune it out, until my folks got separated and me and my dad lived in a shitty little trailer with no door on my room. I could still learn to cover my head with the pillow though, until it got too hot and the sun would bake the fucking aluminum painted roof and it was like sleeping in a fire pit. We had a clotheshanger that kept the front door open and you'd just walk out in the main room and kick it until your brain got itself together. My dad would keep a pie tin with bacon and eggs and biscuits in the oven for me, covered with foil. And a few hours later, we'd do it again, in our own separate worlds of delinquency, although I did enjoy blowing off friends my age to play poker for pocket change with my dad and a couple of his buddies. Everybody who knew how cheated, so it worked good to have me playing because my dad could deal me hands, and I'd rake it in, and they knew I couldn't cheat because I was only 16 and wasn't good enough at it yet, and I'd make $40 a night playing poker that had a quarter limit for the most part. This covered my gas money during the week, so it saved my dad having to give me that shit. In fact, I think all he had to support me on from the separation was gas money, so we cheated at cards to cover that. Hahaha, I never even realized that until now. Word up, Charlie Tuna. You were a mean ass dude with a good heart and a confined spirit. Hope you're doing well. Do they even have the internet in whatever afterlife they sent you too? I bet if you went to Hell, they have wifi in your brain. If you went to Heaven, probably no internet though I'd suspect.
#4: "Fix Up, Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal - Who'd have thunk that Billy Squier's "Big Beat" would be a classic break beat? Here is Dizzee Rascal from his first album rocking that break with the intriguing angle of an underclass limey accent. It is an enjoyable thing for me. My oldest kid seems to love British rappers. It's too bad there's only like two good ones.
#5: "Master Of The Universe" by Hawkwind - I have been looking at the stars a lot more lately, out on the giant oak stump left by the pig pen that I used to nail old workboots up when it was still a standing tree. When I am sitting out there, with a teaspoon of wild lettuce tincture in my brain, Hawkwind makes more sense than any fucking thing that has ever made music ever. Ideally I would like to freeze Hawkwind into that one early to mid 1970s period I find to be the best, and not have them mutate and morph into the myriad of different things they have been over the decades. But that is nonsense. What kind of asshole sits out there at night and looks at the moon and says, "I want to go there, and see if they have things we can use." The same type of asshole that likes to force a band to be his favorite songs by them and nothing more. Dominion over the Earth, as well as the Universe. Fuck people and their peopley ways.
#6: "Super" by R.A. The Rugged Man - I am sad there is not a much larger discography for R.A., as he is a solid motherfucker. He just released a theme song to his new movie called "Bad Biology" but the song ain't that great. I don't think you can dabble in rap and maintain that high level that R.A. was doing in his prime of obscure awesomeness. Still, even when not his best, he's better than most motherfuckers. And I have no problem with him dedicating himself to the writing game, especially when a book he's supposed to have coming out is some sort of degenerate's account of professional boxing.
#7: "Gates Of Hell" by Masked Assassins - This is the title song from the only album I think Masked Assassins ever did. They are an unknown southern group doing the paranoid crazy horrorcore rap style, kind of like Bone Thugs meets Killah Priest. For the most part, you can skip ever trying to find their CD, but this song is the greatest shit ever. Wake up, get high, clean up for work, listen to this twice, drink a big ass cup of coffee, and go get my white man on.
#8: "G.I. Pride" by Freddie Gibbs - I skipped this song forever because I thought it was gonna be some corny ass "to all my soldiers in Iraqistan" song, but then finally listened to it and was like, "Oh yeah, 'G.I.' is Gary, Indiana." Freddie Gibbs is one of the few great ass mixtape rappers who make great fucking songs and I wish had had a chance in the regular music era where people made regular CDs and earned regular people's money to get themselves some nice cars and a big house before the Jews bilked them of their fortunes through shady record contract situations. Nowadays, they don't get nothing but some free sneakers.
#9: "One Draw (screwed & chopped)" by Rita Marley - "I wanna get high... so high" sounded good enough I guess in regular speeds, but you slow it down so that she sounds like a ghostly dude from laid back heaven and what you have my friend is something that I can enjoy the fuck out of.
#10: "Vacilando Con Ayahuesca" by Juaneco Y Su Combo - South American drug music, but the drugs are spiritual and native and not processed and chemical, which means if you die, you die with a totally awesome vision of the end of the world and what is wrong with everything everywhere while you die. This is from an album called The Roots of Chicha, which is a psychedelic plant from South America that inspired a whole genre of Third World funk music. Except this song is about ayahuesca, which is also a psychedelic plant of much brain activity. We just bottled a homebrew that has aspects of that, a Scandinavian viking style, and it will be ready in like ten days, and I am ready to get my tore down on, sitting on the pig pen stump, looking at the stars analyzing the sky, asking myself was I meant to be here, and why?
#11: "La Danza De Los Mirlos" by Los Mirlos - Another Roots of Chicha track, and really, if you are a fan of world music but not the stupid fucking Putamayo style ("putamayo" is Portuguese for "stupid white people") but more of a raw dog wild style, this is a CD you would be enjoying, I am sure, especially if you like shit like pupusas and LSD and 8th Street Latinas and Mexican dudes who work construction but are wearing really nice soccer jerseys for teams you have no idea what it is and you actually follow soccer.
#12: "Sunday Morning Coming Down" by Willie Nelson - Willie live is still awesome as fuck, but studio album Willie has been sort of lackluster and mailed in for nearly a decade now. This song, which I guess is off some album he put out at some point, probably to pay off more tax debt or just because someone recorded him while he wasn't paying attention, is fucking great. I can listen over and over and over to it, and love it so much more than Johnny Cash's version. In fact, I'll just say it - Johnny Cash is overrated as fuck. Sure, he's good, but really kinda predictable. And good fucking lord, he's got more after death albums than Tupac at this point.
#13: "In My Resume" by Swamp Dogg - You have probably never heard of Swamp Dogg. This is your own fault. Virginia born and bred soul singer from some point or another who is still around and kicking it (actually saw him perform live last year), and has the most ridiculous high-pitched but raspy sanging voice. I first got into him from him making John Prine's "Sam Stone" useless for anybody else to ever try to do again, but I dl'ed a couple CDs sometime last year, and this is the song that has been the most played. Ridiculously good soul-searching yet not corny song. If when I die, Swamp Dogg is still alive, and we are not broke asses, I want my wife to hire him to play my funeral. And I want him to sing "Tomorrow's Gonna Be Another Day" by The Charlie Daniels Band.

Monday, March 29

March Madness Coverage At Heavy.com

Don't know why I haven't been linking up these week daily coverage columns of the NCAA tournament, but here will be a collection of the links up to today's thing. There will be daily nonsense as well this week and through the championship game next Monday at Heavy.

The Number One Seeds
The Play-In Game
Things To Watch For On First Round Thursday
Things To Watch For On First Round Friday
NCAA Superstar Mentality vs. Team Mentality
NCAA Tournament Expansion Pack
NCAA Underdogs
Sweet 16 Thursday Night Preview
Sweet 16 Friday Night Preview
The Final Four

Fuck John Feinstein. I should have a basketball book, where all I do is ride around to shitty hotels and watch the tournament with whatever low lifes I befriend along the way.

Sunday, March 28

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Elite Eight Sunday

Here are the dudes with the most NCAA tournamental points through the Sweet 16 games on Friday night that shall be playing today, or at least on the team rosterin the case of some of these dudes...
#1: Kalin Lucas (Michigan State guard; 153 previous points in the tourney, 29 in this one) - He is out for the year though bros, so the Spartaneers will have to trudge on without their main boy.
#2: Raymar Morgan (Michigan State forward; 139 previous points, 35 in this one) - Second main boy still in the house though, and Raymar is a man.
#3: Durrell Summers (Michigan State guard; 128 previous points, 59 in this one) - Look at that. And they're only a #5 seed? They must've underachieved like a fat bitch this year.
#4: Wayne Chism (Tennessee forward; 123 previous points, 42 in this one) - The young and amiable Wayne abandoned his headband halfway through Friday night's game. This shall come back to haunt the Volunteers.
#5: Kyle Singler (Duke forward; 122 previous points, 63 in this one) - The only reason he looks 17-years-old is because the next dude looks like he's 14-years-old.
#6: Jon Scheyer (Duke guard; 114 previous points, 38 in this one) - "Freestyle raps" in internet message boards, and thinks he's hard because he owns the 50 Cent movie.
#7: Nolan Smith (Duke guard; 81 previous points, 45 in this one) - Two bros on the Duke team, named Nolan and Lance. Hahahaha.
#8: LaceDarius Dunn (Baylor guard; 77 previous points, 62 in this one) - He and Tweety Carter are the most gangsta sounding back court in this entire tournament from the opening tip-off.
#9: Chris Allen (Michigan State guard; 73 previous points, 6 in this one) - Mayhaps he won't be a bench player so much now that Lucas is down.
#10: J.P. Prince (Tennessee guard; 70 previous points, 47 in this one) - I was bummed that Michigan State beat Northern Iowa, but the positive is Tennessee gets to rock the orange again today.
#11: Draymond Green (Michigan State forward; 70 previous points, 19 in this one) - Damn... how many Michigan State fuckers are gonna be on this list?
#12: Korie Lucious (Michigan State guard; 46 previous points, 26 in this one) - So hard not to call him "Luscious".
#13: Lance Thomas (Duke forward; 45 previous points, 15 in this one) - See what I was saying?
#14: Delvon Roe (Michigan State forward; 39 previous points, 17 in this one) - Delvon sounds like an evil computer program involved in some sort of post-Apocalyptic movie from 1985.

Saturday, March 27

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Elite Eight Saturday

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Guinness Draught

AFFORDABILITY: Guinness Draught is a white man’s beer, which is to say it ain’t cheap. I got a four-pack of the widget cans for just under $8, and had opened the last one last night as I went to put the baby down to sleep, which meant I had to lay with her in the bed. I am not able to go horizontal without sleeping myself, so I was out like a light, in overalls and a white t-shirt, and slept like that until 4:30 this morning. My last nearly $2 can of widgetized Guinness Draught was thrown out. Looking back, I should’ve known better than to open it with bedtime coming up for the toddler, but also we should probably start pouring our good beers over top the food scraps in the 3-gallon bucket for the pigs, because I think they would like that. All they get to drink is half-muddy water most of the time. And if I can minimize my waste food down to nothing by giving it to animals, I should try to do the same with my liquids. Pig brains are wired a lot like human ones anyways, so I’m sure the beer would have a marvelous effect on their limited life, as they’re only a few weeks away from a ride down to Buckingham to become freezer stuffing. I’m gonna miss those pigs. Pork Chop and Isabel, if there is a pig heaven and it has internet, I hope you can understand my thinking behind the way we raised you and then slaughtered you and ate you. Your life could’ve been far worse, and 99% of the pigs on this earth don’t get it as good as you got it. Is that justification for what I did and how it ended? Of course not bros. But I gave you beer, did I not? I don’t do that with most humans. If you want to shoot ideas into my brain from pig heaven (if you can do that) about how to get even with us humans through me as your instrument of destruction, feel free. It’s the least I can do for you. 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Well, the three of them cans plus a sip of foamy starter fluid off the last one helped me sleep a sound baby-like sleep in overalls most of the night, so I’d say the Guinness, combined with a mentally taxing employment gig, did the trick. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I was gonna go for the short and urgent, “You know that shit is tight!” response to this category, but honestly, a black can with a fucking harp on it? I don’t know, I’m not sure how tight that is. The harp is actually kind of annoying ass instrument - very bulky and hard to move but treated with heavenly reverence like it can suck a dick and fold the clean laundry all at once. Plus, you can’t really get too crazy on it; although I’m sure somebody can point out some autistic chick with crazy eyes who does insane musics on a harp somewhere in a youtube clip to prove me wrong. The cans do contain a widget though, which was such a fun word until the internet fucked it up. 2 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Guinness, I imagine, is owned by people who own soccer teams, and make their fortunes off a million Andy Capps, who love nothing more than a nice game of darts, ogling the bartendresses big fat titties, and going home and passing out before accidentally tempting themselves to have sex with their ugly wives. Every solid brand name is built upon the loyalties of the ignorant and massive demographicals of every day losers, like me. It is the every day losers who watch cars go round in circles and fight motherfuckers over soccer allegiances and whatever the fuck ever. Sometimes my brain is not working and I'm trying to write this bullshit, but don't care. I just don't care. And to be honest, as good as I can enjoy the Guinness, it's a bunch of assholes here in America who think Guinness is the best. Even the bushy mustached dudes who are Guinness dudes kinda suck, and it's hard to be a bushy mustached dude and be an asshole. Actually, my bad, I'm wrong on that. Most bushy mustached dudes are former cops or complain about the quality of deli meats or some ridiculously semi-masculine melodramatics like that. Fuck this whole blurb. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Widgets are the limey crack pipe so far as I'm concerned. If I shut my mind's eye enough to all the douchebag type dudes who prefer Guinness beer, I can feel all old worldly and bushy mustached. But my mind's eye tends to itch a lot, and it's hard to comfortably close it that far. 3 out of 5.

Friday, March 26

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Sweet 16 Friday

It is the second night of the Sweet Sixteen, so let me do this thing yet again, which means I will have made it halfway through. Actually, with only 10 actual days of games, this puts me over halfway done. Hell yeah. Internet dorks unite...
#1: Kalin Lucas (Michigan State guard; 153 previous points in the NCAA tournament, 29 in this one) - But you know the deal already... homeboy fucked up his Achilles Lauros, so this will be his grand total finale. (By the way, Finale is a Michigan rapper you should check out, especially his A Promise and a Pipe Dream mixtape.)
#2: Raymar Morgan (Michigan State forward; 132 previous points, 38 in this one) - He shall be required to pick up the slack bro, although he certainly didn't shy away from it at the end of that Maryland game, did he?
#3: Durrell Summers (Michigan State guard; 109 previous points, 40 in this one) - Dude is averaging 20 a game thus far, and with these old ass vet players, it's hard to not see Tom Izzo being furtherly successful. I bet to midwest people, Tom Izzo is their Coach K. I am not midwest people though so he bothers me not much.
#4: Wayne Chism (Tennessee forward; 101 previous points, 20 in this one) - The man with the high ass headband has not actually been tearing shit up in this tourney. But as a Senior, the wisdom of knowing when to dole it out instead of take it upon yourself has been learned. Plus that headband man. Finally, tonight, we get to see them rock the road orange. I really love the Volunteer tradition of like two-thirds of the team wearing headbands, too.
#5: Kyle Singler (Duke forward; 98 previous points, 39 in this one) - Passed his little white homoboy on this list since last Sunday's by virtue of clocking some stats on California.
#6: JaJuan Johnson (Purdue forward; 97 previous points, 34 in this one) - Has certainly stepped up as an interior force with Robbie Hummel gone. Interesting to think what the two of them together could've done to clog up the paint against bitches.
#7: Jon Scheyer (Duke guard; 96 previous points, 20 in this one) - Scheyer face, Scheyer face, little faggot Scheyer face.
#8: E'Twaun Moore (Purdue guard; 96 previous points, 27 in this one) - See, I was suggesting his name was ElegantTwaun Moore, which actually has a nice ring to it.
#9: Chris Kramer (Purdue guard; 91 previous points, 27 in this one) - White guys are always considered team leaders because our media is racist.
#10: Keaton Grant (Purdue guard; 76 previous points, 16 in this one) - He is the fourth Boilermaker on this list, so I can't really say much except that I hate Duke basketball more than any collegiate athletic team on any planet, so fuck Duke tonight.
#11: Omar Samhan (Saint Mary's center; 69 previous points, 61 in this one) - Samhan has been impressive, but not nearly as impressive as that wacky thrash metal album cover font with just a touch of happy that Saint Mary's uses on their uniforms. That combined with this guy's last name almost being Samhain makes me wish their school colors were red and black and not that stupid dark dark blue.
#12: Chris Allen (Michigan State guard; 68 previous points, 1 in this one) - Dude has a very minor role going on at this point.
#13: Nolan Smith (Duke guard; 66 previous points, 30 in this one) - Haha, where does Coach K find this steady stream of Urkels from?
#14: Draymond Green (Michigan State forward; 62 previous points, 11 in this one) - Only a sophomore, stupid Spartans. I really hope they lose to Northern Iowa, who is who I am rooting for more than anything on tonight the second night.

Friday Love/Hate

I hate the fact we helped some unemployed fucker who was looking for scrap metal, and he came while I wasn't home, even though I gave him my day off to do it, but he didn't show up in time and I had to get my shitty truck inspected, and he took the shit my wife pointed out. Then he came back for something we wouldn't let him drive across the yard for since it had been raining, and I was throwing up on the couch, and he got that other thing. But low and behold I go outside the following weekend to hit the dilapidated weight bench in the field by the pig pen, and it's gone, as is the barbell, although the weights got dropped right the fuck there. So I remember vaguely where the dude says he lives, and I go and find his house to be like, "Yo dude, you took my weight bench," and he was like, in his jibber jabber 40-something fucker talk, "your wife said..." and I was like, "No she didn't," because that type of old school always tries to blame the old lady when the old lady ain't there. I'm a modern man though, and know my wife ain't no joke. But I chalk it up with him as a miscommunication. But on the ride home I think about two other things sitting there that I bet that bitch might've took too. Sure enough, he did. And none of it is valuable, and was sitting in the woods for sure. But at the same time, I'm a guy with an old truck hood, two pieces of rebar, and a couple of bungee cords for a gate to my pig pen, so obviously I make use of the alleged trash. So when we told that guy what he could take, that meant that's what he could take, not anything else he thought we might've not been using the right way. So fuck Charles Christmas. Yeah, that was his name, which is almost too fictional to be real. But if some jibber jabber asshole in a white pick-up with some shiny ass wheel covers rolls by your house asking to get some scrap metal, and his name is Charles Christmas, tell him to fuck off. Although probably you don't have the type of house that has scrap metal. Man, what an asshole world I got born into.

I love bright colors, big asses, brown eyes, The Return to Sky Valley, listening to Yelawolf and imagining there's a whole genre of music like that but there ain't except there will be but it won't be something I love for the most part. I love having a job that's steady and I get my science on and I have a pink dress shirt I wear because a bearded fuck-up who shouldn't have such a job has to rock a pink dress shirt, with some pleated brown pants that look like I'm in a Big Daddy Kane gospel rap video circa 1998 or something. And I get off work and it's warm out as I leave the building and I unbutton my stupid wrist button and that one weird ass nice shirt button that's halfway down the slit by the wrist, and I roll them bamas up three times each, which ends up an inch higher on my right arm because my roll technique is slightly crooked from the Chilean earthquake, and I get my stop at the grocery store and buy a twelve-pack on.

Thursday, March 25

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Sweet 16 Thursday

The Sweet 16 tips off tonight and it may or may not be a humdinger. I'll be honest, the second week is always a let down from the first week. But if Cornell can beat shithead Kentucky tonight, then I'm straight. I may not watch another game after that. Here are your top fourteen returning NCAA tournament scorers coming into tonight's games buffet...
#1: Da'Sean Butler (West Virginia guard; 92 previous points in the NCAA tournament, 37 in this one) - It's odd... mostly I hate big programs and their famous stars, especially with the Big East. But I like West Virginia, and I like Da'Sean, because he can be dominantly awesome, and he is, after all, Da Sean, which separates him from the wide array of regular Seans (and Shawns as well) in this world.
#2: Quincy Pondexter (Washington guard; 79 previous points, 34 in this one) - Yep, the number two scorer is a dude from the lowly 11th seeded Washington Huskies. This is perhaps why they are still in the tournament.
#3: Isaiah Thomas (Washington guard; 67 previous points, 44 in this one) - The little spitfire 5'8" spark plug who got his name because his dad lost a bet on a Pistons game back in the day has been like fucking lightning last weekend. The Washington/West Virginia game could be high-powered as fuck tonight.
#4: Andy Rautins (Syracuse guard; 64 previous points, 35 in this one) - Man, I hate Syracuse. I hope they lose by 40 to Butler tonight. Rautins is their latest, greatest, white hope, which stupid bigheaded Jim Boeheim always keeps at least one on the court as a starter.
#5: Jacob Pullen (Kansas State guard; 64 previous points, 49 in this one) - As much as I'm indifferent towards the Kansas State Whateverthefucks, it's funny to see them still playing and the Jayhawks gone already.
#6: Louis Dale (Cornell guard; 62 previous points, 47 in this one) - Cornell has been tearing up people, and were way underseeded at 12, although that doesn't really matter does it, because they settle it on the court, old school style. The Big Red is who I'm pulling for most out of who are left in this thing, at least tonight.
#7: Jordan Crawford (Xavier guard; 55 previous points, all of it this year) - Crawford is only a sophomore and is already halfway up this list, just from this year. Xavier is one of only two teams that have made it through the first weekend of the tournament the past three years all three.
#8: Shelvin Mack (Butler guard; 54 previous points, 36 in this one) - It has hard to have thought about Butler as an underdog because they've been wearing home whites the whole time, first against UTEP and then against Murray State. Now that they'll go to their dark uniforms against the evil Syracuse, I can properly pull for them.
#9: Matt Howard (Butler forward; 51 previous points, 14 in this one) - Butler star who has actually played the background thus far in the tournament because they haven't needed him at the forefront.
#10: Rick Jackson (Syracuse forward; 50 previous points, 17 in this one) - Almost every player who actually scores points for Syracuse has a last name that starts with a "J" not with a "G". That's a really vague and obscure Kurious Jorge reference.
#11: Wes Johnson (Syracuse forward; 49 previous points, all of it up in this piece this year) - The young sensation on this stupid fucking Orange team.
#12: Devin Ebanks (West Virginia forward; 44 previous points, 30 in this one) - Always makes me think of The Newlywed Game, which of course makes me think of how funny anal sex can be.
#13: Eric Bledsoe (Kentucky guard; 42 previous points, all of it in this one) - Bledsoe has been the leading scorer for the Wildcats in their first weekend, and he's only the third most ballyhooed freshman on his own team. Fucking ridiculous. John Calipari should get AIDS.
#14: Jeff Foote (Cornell center; 42 previous points, 28 in this one) - Big ass seven-foot whiteboy in the paint. Cornell has two guys on this list, and Kentucky has one. Team mentality vs. one or two and done NBA superstars in training. Go Big Red.

Sunday, March 21

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Second Round Sunday

This is the thing for the Sunday thing about the peach crate basket ball sankers of most note in the big collegiate competition tournament, Sunday afternoon style...
#1: Kalin Lucas (Michigan State guard; 149 previous points in the NCAA tournament, 25 in this one) - He got busted up in their first round game against New Mexico State Coyote Dogs; I hope he don't tear his Achilles Lauro.
#2: Raymar Morgan (Michigan State forward; 115 previous points, 11 in this one) - The smallest forward known at 6'4" yet he plays much bigger than that.
#3: Jon Scheyer (Duke guard; 89 previous points, 13 in this one) - There is nobody I hate more in college basketballs than Jon Scheyer. I hope someone slam dunks on him and the backboard breaks and the rim pierces his skull and people make comedic ironic motivational posters out of it on the internet.
#4: JaJuan Johnson (Purdue forward; 86 previous points, 23 in this one) - Robbie who? JaJuan lit up a Siena team that many talking sports head nerdbergs were picking as your can't miss first round upset.
#5: Greivis Vasquez (Maryland guard; 85 previous points, 16 in this one) - Common Raven logic would suggest I would not like the young brash Mr. Vasquez. But there is no logic to my brain. He's awesome. I hope he comes and plays the next four years at VCU under a mask as Mr. Caracas.
#6: Durrell Summers (Michigan State guard; 83 previous points, 14 in this one) - A championship game run last year gives them the experience to look good yet not win a title, much like UCLA did there a few years in a row.
#7: E'Twaun Moore (Purdue guard; 81 previous points, 12 in this one) - The ' is a contractual apostrophe that takes the place of "legant". Haha, of the four people who will see this, none of you will get that. I am so smart yet so retarded.
#8: Kyle Singler (Duke forward; 81 previous points, 22 in this one) - He is a close second on the hated scale to his little white homeboy Jonny Scheyerface.
#9: Trevon Hughes (Wisconsin guard; 79 previous points, 19 in this one) - Senior back court trying to carry the Badgers to beyond their potential.
#10: Chris Kramer (Purdue guard; 74 previous points, 10 points in this one) - With Robbie Hummel out, and since people from Indiana are racist and fucked up, Kramer is the new spiritual leader of the Boilermakers. Seems odd they'd have a college team named after alcoholic drinks.
#11: Matt Bouldin (Gonzaga guard; 72 previous points, 17 in this one) - Man, I am so sick of Gonzaga supposedly being awesome but then not being awesome. They need to turn a goddamned corner or something.
#12: Keaton Grant (Purdue guard; 71 previous points, 11 in this one) - Bastard son of Alex P. Getting an Econ degree to make pops proud, hopefully, finally.
#13: Donald Sloan (Texas A&M guard; 68 previous points, 10 in this one) - Always root for Aggies. Industrialized agriculture is a leading cause of our unhealthy overall nature in America, and creates the need for our fat asses to be guaranteed health insurance by our lazy incompetent government. So when you don't root for teams named the Aggies, you don't root for your own freedom.
#14: Chris Allen (Michigan State guard; 68 previous points, 1 in this one) - Didn't exactly light it up against the Coyote Runners, but he is there if you need him.

Legend Chocolate Porter

AFFORDABILITY: My Rasputin-ass looking homeboy D picked up the bill at the Blue Moon, so I didn’t actually get to buy any of the tasty Chocolate Porters I drank down while a John Prine wannabe warbled behind my back in the far corner much to the delight of aging hipster doofuses with few scars cutting across their soft palms’ lifelines. I did drop some bucks on the tip for my girl The Notorious M.E.G. behind the counter, and me and fake Rasputin had long important discussions about a bunch of bullshit that perhaps could make reality out of things such as scary terrorist God Bless America t-shirts or might not end up being anything except for two hours of our lives we stuffed our big asses into tiny stools in a throwback diner joint corner and drank some beers, hoping the sands of our hourglasses didn’t run out right then and there and make us feel stupid for listening to some non-white trash guy playing academic Hee Haw skit and butchering up some old-timey by his age songs from the 1970s, when everyone wore way cooler shirts. I don’t think that; he thinks that. I think everybody sucked at all times forever. Yet still I’m hopeful. 5 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: A combination of assorted illnesses hit me the same time these beers did, and their oversized chocolatey frothiness through my bloodstream into a shaker and gave all my white blood cells tiny little concussions that felt good to stumble through, and it was one of those very pleasant but heavy drunks that you know you could over-indulge in at some point and have one of those all-time notable drunken evenings where you do things that make for good stories and scars for years to come. But I stopped myself short this night, because I am forever afraid of getting a DUI in the family car. My truck, not so much so. It would seem almost fitting in that piece of shit, but in the family car, with assorted child seats and Polly Pockets on the floorboard and empty Goldfish bags, I'd feel like a first-class piece of shit, if such a thing is not an oxymoron. 5 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: There were no labels to actually read but the pint glasses were clean, though there seemed to be some sort of persistent keg leak going on behind the counter and they kept throwing towels on it. Plus, the other girl working there was dressed to expose her cleavage, yet she seemed like she was always angry you might be looking at her cleavage. I have never quite understood this phenomenon. Does one think they can publicly partially expose themselves only for others they deem attractive enough to ogle them? If it is in the public domain, it’s out there for whoever, and if it is tiring to have men stare at you then maybe don’t expose yourself. I know this is a fine line between this and that whole bullshit “she was raped because of how she was dressed” argument, and man, I’m not trying to associate myself with that type of dude, but seriously, cover your damn self if you so worried. And anyways, I wasn’t even staring at this chick’s breasts, but she kept tugging her shirt up and mad dogging me out the corner of her eye like I was. I guess I just look like a skeevy fucker. Still, as far as I’m concerned, the slow constant keg leak on the floor is the label for this beer, and sitting on a diner stool in a dingy ass place where sticky beer leaks on the floor and is sopped up with dishtowels whenever it builds up enough to be a near major hazard, that’s quality living right there. Nothing can be perfect in a real world, and worlds that feign perfection (planned communities, science, the Florida Keys) have always seemed unreal to me. 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Legend owns buildings in shit parts of Richmond, although maybe they're not so shitty now as white people love to regentrify shithole parts of towns because they are young and only semi-wealthy and can buy things for cheaply, run out the broke ass pieces of shit that made it so cheap, fix the trimwork and paint it like a homo magazine spread, run the price up, sell it all off in mass, and be rich like their folks, and finally open that vintage antique/wine bar shop they've always wanted to run because nobody has really opened one of those places correctly. Know what I mean? 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: The Legend Chocolate Porter was quite tasty, and sitting in a public environment enjoying a nice alcoholic beverage with Rasputin, who promised to show me how to play Russian dominoes for secret monies. It was a wonderful evening, I had a good time, and sure Chuck Woolery, I'd love to go out again. 5 out of 5.

Saturday, March 20

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Second Round Saturday

This is more of the thing that I had done and am still doing though most likely at some point real life will cockblock the fuck out of this stupid project that no one probably sees anyways. This is for today's games...
#1: Sherron Collins (Kansas guard; 170 previous points in the NCAA tourney, 18 in this one) - Kansas romped over their stupid first opponent, and I am so rooting against all #1 seeds. I want nothing but lower than 3rd seeds making up the whole Elite 8.
#2: Scottie Reynolds (Villanova guard; 167 previous points in the NCAA tourney, 20 in this one) - Got benched as a learning point or some shit from his coach Jay Wright, and yet they still looked like crap against a Robert Morris team that really should've won. Only team thus far in the tourney more screwed by the refs than Robert Morris was New Mexico State against Michigan State last night.
#3: Wayne Chism (Tennessee forward; 92 previous points in the NCAA tourney, 11 in this one) - I'm not exactly a Volunteer fan or anything, but the way young Wayne Chism wears his headband like a gansta ass yarmulke.I hope they win it all and he makes twelve children with nine women in seventeen states.
#4: Corey Fisher (Villanova guard; 83 previous points, 6 in this one) - Part of the Villanova Wildcat suckrush.
#5: Cole Aldrich (Kansas center; 76 previous points, 11 in this one) - Well, since Aldrich is a big ugly whiteboy from the midwest, I guess I should talk about my favorite player this far watching the tourney, which is the big down’s syndrome looking monster white dude who played for the Montana Grizzlies and kinda of Solomon Grundy forced his way into like 30 points. And they lost. But he was awesome. If I were rich I would’ve called him afterwards to hire him as a bodyguard.
#6: Reggie Redding (Villanova guard; 68 previous points, 8 in this one) - More ‘nova, but now comes Saint Mary’s with their giant Egyptian and metal album cover jersey font.
#7: Corey Stokes (Villanova guard; 67 previous points, 6 in this one) - The second dude on Villanova who was benched to learn him a lesson, which apparently was, “Hey, if we fuck around a lot we can still win.”
#8: Jimmer Fredette (Brigham Young guard; 65 previous points, 37 in this one) - He is like a dude from Hoosiers. Seriously, BYU is awesome, with this white guy named Jimmer and a black nerd named Michael Loyd Jr., who I thought had a mohawk, but really it was just a nerdy ass close haircut that looked like a mohawk. I am actually rooting hard for BYU against Kansas State, because then they’d play in the regionals in Salt Lake City, essentially at home, and could pull a George Mason into the Final Four. I want four fucking George Masons in the Final Four. Fuck the powerful.
#9: Quincy Pondexter (Washington forward; 61 previous points, 18 in this one) - Washington’s assymetrical uniforms are pretty godawful, but in their game against Marquette, who looked to be wearing culacs your grandma would wear in 1976, they looked kinda fresh.
#10: Isaiah Thomas (Washington guard; 52 previous points, 19 in this one) - Haha, got his name because his dad, a Lakers fan, lost a bet.
#11: Matt Howard (Butler forward; 48 previous points, 11 in this one) - Butler got all 3-point relentless in the second half, and stands a decent chance of making the Sweet 16.
#12: Shelvin Mack (Butler guard; 43 previous points, 25 in this one) - In fact, Shelvin Mack was the main guy that got all trigger happy from the bonusphere, as I’ve heard it stupidly called a few times this year suddenly.
#13: J.P. Prince (Tennessee guard; 38 previous points, 15 in this one) - The motherfuckin’ prince.
#14: Marcus Morris (Kansas forward; 38 previous points, 26 in this one) - The better twin of the Kansas twins. Also only a sophomore, which means he’ll play for nineteen more years it will seem like since stupid Kansas is always stupid good.

Friday, March 19

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - First Round Friday

Hey, here’s the stupid list like yesterday, but for today...
#1: Kalin Lucas (Michigan State guard; 124 previous points in the NCAA tournament) - Led the Spartans to the Final Four last year, but they've not been that dominant this year. Still, veteran, tourney-tested players yadda yadda yadda.
#2: Jerry Smith (Louisville guard; 107 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Plainest name in the game.
#3: Raymar Morgan (Michigan State forward; 104 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Another star from last year, and Tom Izzo is Tom Izzo, which means the NCAA fixes shit so he looks awesome even when he's not.
#4: Edgar Sosa (Louisville guard; 104 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Has been playing for Rick Pitino for nine years.
#5: Jon Scheyer (Duke guard; 76 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Scheyer face fuckwad.
#6: Greivis Vasquez (Maryland guard; 69 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - I used to hate him, but now I can dig him, and for maybe the first time in my life I shall root for the stupid Terrapins in the tourney, even though Gary Williams is an asshole.
#7: E'Twaun Moore (Purdue guard; 69 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Purdue is doomed.
#8: Durrell Summers (Michigan State guard; 69 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Names like Durrell are awesome when fat diabetes-eaten black grandmas say it real loud through a screen door with a southern twang and the air is thick with humidity.
#9: Edwin Ubiles (Siena guard/forward; 67 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - A Siena Saint, already on this list before the tourney starts. They are the critical talking head darling upset pick of the first round, and certainly rocked that shit last year.
#10: Jason Bohannon (Wisconsin guard; 67 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - First head shop I ever bought paraphenalia at was called Bohannon's. R.I.P. Grace Street in Richmond. Your soul is missed.
#11: Chris Allen (Michigan State guard; 67 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Never heard of him, but he is here.
#12: Chris Kramer (Purdue guard; 64 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - The sports section from last Sunday still in my bathroom is folded over to a page where this dude is having a rebound ripped from his weak ass by a Minnesota Golden Gopher.
#13: Jajuan Johnson (Purdue forward/center; 63 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Triple J.
#14: Trevon Hughes (Wisconsin guard; 60 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - You can pretty much put the same blurb for Trevon that I wrote for Durrell, except make it in Philadelphia with less twang.

Thursday, March 18

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - First Round Thursday

I don’t feel much like writing bullshit for this lately, but I shall force myself to try and do the daily top returning scorers for the NCAA tournament, as I find that enjoyable myself. Here are the fourteen dudes who have scored the most in NCAA tournaments that shall be on th court today...
#1: Sherron Collins (Kansas guard; 152 previous points in the NCAA tournament) - Senior guard is an All-American and shall probably lead the Jayhawks to crushing Lehigh tomorrow night.
#2: Scottie Reynolds (Villanova guard; 147 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Catching shit for Villanova not being so hot at the end of the season, but this is Scottie’s last run through the tourney, and he’s lit it up previous years for worse teams, so expect them to fuck up some Robert Morris University early this afternoon.
#3: Damion James (Texas guard/forward; 89 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Texas went from a #1 team in the country down to a #8 seed in the East region. Luckily they are playing an even more lackluster team in Wake Forest, and that could make for a crazy ass Saturday game between Texas and Kentucky.
#4: Wayne Chism (Tennessee forward; 81 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Chism’s last run with coach Bruce Pearl and his orange jacket, and they’ll close out the night against San Diego State in a game many are picking as an upset, which means Tennessee will probably win.
#5: Corey Fisher (Villanova guard; 77 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - See, two veteran guards, top two scorers, I don’t think Villanova is gonna have any problems causing damage to mad brackets.
#6: Cole Aldrich (Kansas center; 65 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Big ugly cornfed whiteboys, represent!
#7: Lazar Hayward (Marquette forward; 64 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - The absolute best name in the tournament. Hopefully they beat Washington tonight to keep the Lazar in the television periphery.
#8: Corey Stokes (Villanova guard; 61 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - ‘Nova got more Coreys than the 1980s.
#9: Reggie Redding (Villanova guard; 60 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Four guards back from a Final Four team last year and nobody’s picking them as a sleeper Final Four pick? I might have to redo my brackets.
#10: Dexter Pittman (Texas center; 46 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Big man in the middle for the black dudes and one Turkish guy from Austin, Texas.
#11: Quincy Pondexter (Washington forward; 43 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - The Pac-10 sucks this year, although Washington, lead by this Senior, could make a brief run, but probably not.
#12: Justin Mason (Texas guard; 40 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - A Senior who is more frustrated than most about the team’s descent into mediocrity, which might make for a March comeback, or might mean they finish their flame out tonight against Wake Forest.
#13: Matt Howard (Butler forward; 37 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - A dude from Butler? Shocking. I hope they do well because I always root for schools that I don’t even know what state they’re located in.
#14: Isaiah Thomas (Washington guard; 33 previous points in the NCAA tourney) - Only a sophomore, making him the most underclassman in today’s list.

Thursday, March 11

S14: Top 14 Returning Scorers in the Big Ten Tournament

The Big Ten tournament is held in Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis this year, which is a centrally located major metropolis, but damn, everybody knows the rest of Indiana is nothing but cornfields and shitheads. Why would you make everybody have to travel through that cultural muck? Here are the fourteen guys in the Big 10 this year who have scored the most in previous years' tournaments...
#1: DeShawn Sims (Michigan forward; 76 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Sims is a big dude with solid game, and he plays for John Beilein, which means not only is Sims encouraged to shoot threes as well, he’s expected to. Sims is the perfect forward for Beilein’s system, like Kevin Pitsnogle was at West Virginia - a big guy who might catch fire and help the Wolverines blow somebody away before it’s even close to the end of the game. Michigan is only an 8 seed though, and plays Iowa in the tourney opener for the right to challenge Ohio State on Friday afternoon.
#2: Evan Turner (Ohio State guard/forward; 65 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Okay, I know yesterday I said I hated Ohio State, and I do. But Evan Turner is such a decent-looking soul with honest eyes, it’s hard not to trust him. He’s consensus Big 10 Player of the Year, and this team will go as far as he throws them down the March brackets. He’s also only a Junior, but at 6’7” and able to play guard, he’s NBA-bound I would suspect.
#3: E’Twaun Moore (Purdue guard; 63 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Popular opinion is that Purdue is not nearly the same threat it was with Robbie Hummel going down with a blowed up knee, but E’Twaun Moore can fucking take over a game. They’re still the team to beat in this tournament, in my opinion, being Evan Turner is more of a guy to beat than team. And they could still make hella noise in the Big Dance. On top of all this, E’Twaun is still only a junior.
#4: Demetri McCamey (Illinois guard; 62 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Junior guard was All-Big 10 first team this season, but unfortunately the Illini drew Wisconsin in the 4/5 first round quarterfinal match-up tomorrow. Wisconsin has done a better job than most at shutting McCamey down, and Wisconsin has been on fire lately as well. McCamey will probably be going pro after this season, as he and coach Bruce Weber were arguing on the sideline during their final regular season game last weekend.
#5: Robbie Hummel (Purdue forward; 58 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - You know the deal, junior forward went down with an ACL and the Boilermakers national title hopes seemed to go down with it. Now he gets to try out his dress clothes combinations for a couple of weeks.
#6: Damian Johnson (Minnesota forward; 56 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Even if you consider this a building year for the Gophers, they earned the #6 seed in the tourney and close out the first day of action against shitty Penn State tonight. Johnson’s in his senior year, and a defensive specialist.
#7: Kalin Lucas (Michigan State guard; 55 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Two-time All-Big Ten first teamer and last year's Player of the Year, a showdown between him and Moore seems imminent in the semifinals on Saturday. And you can never count a Tom Izzo team out.
#8: Lawrence Westbrook (Minnesota guard; 54 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Senior guard and the team’s leading scorer, and you’d think with such Senior leadership like the Gophers are rocking, they’d be better than .500 in conference play. Seems like a down year in college basketball to me, across the board. Everything feels unspecial.
#9: Raymar Morgan (Michigan State foward; 51 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Seems like Morgan has been with the Spartans for nine years already, but this is officially his final senior season, so expect him to make some noise like people who don't want to feel like they are ugly when the DJ yells out, "All ugly people be quietttttttttt!"
#10: Manny Harris (Michigan guard; 50 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - All-Big 10 first team last year and second team this year, there has never been a three-point shot Manny Harris was afraid to take. Sometimes this works, other times you are fucked.
#11: Kevin Coble (Northwestern forward; 49 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Northwestern still has a basketball team? They play Indiana today in a game that will decide what color uniforms get to lose to Purdue tomorrow.
#12: Jason Bohannon (Wisconsin guard; 45 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Senior leader of the Wisconsin Badgers team who can drain threes like mad if he gets that feeling. If they can get by Illinois in the 4/5 game, could set up a game against Ohio State, who doesn't seem all that great really from what I saw, so not inconceivable at all for the Badgers and Bohannon to be playing in the title game on Sunday.
#13: Chris Kramer (Purdue guard; 45 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Senior point guard and Big Ten Defensive Player of the Year keeps this team running, and actually has picked up his own offensive game since Hummel went down. There’s a lot to be said for highly competent senior guards this time of year. I’m not gonna say it though; I’m just gonna let it hang like that and leave you feeling like you might’ve missed something or I’m tapped into some shit you don’t even know about.
#14: David Jackson (Penn State forward; 42 previous points in the Big 10 tournament) - Junior David Jackson has a nice shot, but The Pennsylvania State University is not that good a team, and if even if they do rally to upset Minnesota in the last game of the first round tonight, they'll only earn an ass-whooping at the hands of Michigan State tomorrow night.

S14: Top 14 Returning Scorers in the SEC Tournament

The SEC tournament is held in Nashville, and most people are probably more concerned with spring football, except for Kentucky, who wonders if they can squeeze a national title run out of their one-and-done collection of alleged student-athletes before John Calipari leaves their program in shambles for an NBA job. Here are the top 14 returning scorers to this year's tournament...
#1: Wayne Chism (Tennessee forward; 94 previous points in the SEC tournament) - I really dig the Volunteers orange basketball uniforms, home and aways. Actually, mostly home uniforms are boring in the white motif, but the Vols look tight with the orange trim. I actually have a pair of bootleg shorts like that, and it makes me feel like a creamsicle. This is Chism's last year with the Vols, and he's been an integral part of a team that made it to the Sweet 16 in 2007 and 2008. They just missed out on a first round bye in the SEC tourney, so will have to stomp on LSU today and hopefully not tire themselves out for a game against Mississippi on Friday afternoon. Plus, the tourney is in Nashville, which gives them a great boost to make a run.
#2: Tasmin Mitchell (LSU forward; 92 previous points in the SEC tournament) - All-SEC player last year who has seen this team LSU team go from Final Four participant his freshman year to conference also-ran this year. They will be lucky to get past Tennessee this afternoon, but the game will feature Mitchell and Chism, two of the league's best exiting players.
#3: Barry Stewart (Mississippi State guard; 91 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Last year, Mississippi State came from the opening day to win four in a row and take the SEC title in shocking fashion. Stewart was a big part of that. This year they come in as the #1 seed out of the Western division, and await thewinner of Florida vs. Auburn tonight.
#4: Jarvis Varnado (Mississippi State forward; 75 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Simply put, Jarvis Varnado is the man. He was tournament MVP last year, is a two-time All-SEC first team player, and this year's defensive player of the year. He can pour in the points, block shots (actually hold the NCAA record in that regard), and crash the boards. Along with Stewart, he is a Senior, and Mississippi State could be a tough draw in the NCAA tournament, considering they are unranked.
#5: Michael Washington (Arkansas forward/center; 53 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Senior year for the big man, and he's been battling injuries. Arkansas closes out the first night of action against Georgia, who is only two games behind them in conference play, and the imposing Vanderbilt team awaits the winner.
#6: Devan Downey (South Carolina guard; 49 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Downey made a name for himself this year by taking over a game against Kentucky and giving them their first loss of the year. Still, South Carolina is part of the clusterfuck in the middle of the SEC, and has a pretty even match-up against Alabama to kick off the whole tournament today. If they can survive that, they get a rematch with Kentucky tomorrow.
#7: A.J. Ogilvy (Vanderbilt center; 49 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Ogilvy is a big, goofy-looking Aussie junior with tons of international experience. He's a solid as fuck player though, and it would not be surprising to see a Vanderbilt/Kentucky title game on Sunday afternoon.
#8: Albert Jackson (Georgia forward/center; 49 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Jackson's most noteworthy performance this year was being benched for a game after getting arrested on an outstanding warrant last month. Of course, Division I centers are hard to come by, so he's back on the court. It is his Senior season after all. The Bulldogs are the lowest seed from the eastern division, but really the whole bottom two-thirds of the SEC (except for LSU) is a clusterfuck of equality, and somebody could get hot and make a run.
#9: J.P. Prince (Tennessee guard; 47 previous points in the SEC tournament) - It's J.P. Prince's last season as well, and with him and Chism together, not to mention Bruce Pearl's usual assortment of husky fellows who can ball interchangeably, it would not be surprising to see Tennessee cutting the nets down on Sunday afternoon.
#10: Stefan Welsh (Arkansas guard; 44 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Another senior on this Razorback team, part of a group that went to two straight SEC title games in 2007 and 2008. They'd need a miraculous run to do that again this year though.
#11: Dominique Archie (South Carolina forward; 42 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Archie, who is already in his fifth year, was injured early in the season and is actually applying with the NCAA to get medical redshirt status applied to this season so he can come back for a sixth year next year. So he will be in the suit at the far end of the bench of you are watching today.
#12: Ravern Johnson (Mississippi State guard; 40 previous points in the SEC tournament) - My favorite named dude in the SEC rosters I've looked up; sounds destined to own a barbecue joint, or at least drive an old ass lime green Lincoln.
#13: Kodi Augustus (Mississippi State forward; 39 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Another junior three-bomber to go along with Ravern Johnson, which means next year, after Varnado is gone, will probably be a run-and-gun year for the Bulldog.
#14: Alex Tyus (Florida forward; 35 previous points in the SEC tournament) - Only a junior, Tyus is the only real glimmer of superstardom potential the Gators have shown since the fab pack went pro on Billy Donovan. If only he could get himself four more Tyuses.

S14: Top 14 Returning Scorers in the ACC Tournament

The ACC tournament is back in Greensboro this year, and it really should always be in the middle of North Carolina. I know there's other schools in other states, but fuck it man, that's where it was historically, that's a centrally geographic location, and just straight up fuck it. It's how it should be. Here are the best 14 returning players to this year's tournament if you rank them according to how many points they've previously scored in ACC tournaments...
#1: Jon Scheyer (Duke guard; 110 previous points in the ACC tournament) - It is really hard not to completely hate Jon Scheyer, who was tournament MVP last year after leading Duke to another tournament championship. For fun, you should google "Scheyer face". Trust me.
#2: Greivis Vasquez (Maryland guard; 73 previous points in the ACC tournament) - I used to not care for the Venezuelan heart throb, mostly because dude pops his jersey far too often. Yet, being Maryland and Duke are the only great teams in the ACC this year, and Greivis has personally punked Duke out, in swaggerrific fashion to boot, I have come to love him. Plus reading the Washington Post daily, which covers Maryland, there was a story sent in by some dudes who were near the basketball arena like three hours after Maryland beat Duke that last time, and a car came by honking its horn and the dude inside was yelling like "WOOHOOO!" As the car went past, it was Greivis Vasquez, which meant like three hours after hitting the winning shot on a huge game in his last home appearance as a Senior, he was riding around the arena all adrenalized the fuck up. That rules.
#3: Trevor Booker (Clemson forward; 71 previous points in the ACC tournament) - First team All-ACC player who is really good, and shooting left-handedly can confuse normal defensive styles. Still though, there's not a lot surrounding him, and Clemson plays as the 6-seed against N.C. State in the opening day night cap, with the underwhelming Florida State Seminoles awaiting. So I guess if Booker gets ramped up, they could sneak into semifinal Saturday still, and assure themselves of being more than an NCAA bubble team.
#4: Malcolm Delaney (Virginia Tech guard; 64 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Delaney is a fucking presence on the floor, and if Tech had a better basketball history, he might've gotten a sniff at player of the year with Scheyer and Vasquez. He became the first ever unanimous first team All-ACC player Tech has ever had, and still is only a junior. Honestly, I hope there's no room in the NBA draft for him, even though he's showed how great he can be this year, because I'd like to see what he and Jeff Allen could do coming back for a senior season run together.
#5: Eric Hayes (Maryland guard; 63 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Hayes is the whiteboy who moves around on the edges, waiting for half the other team to encircle Greivis Vasquez, and then Hayes gets a pass and shoots a three. That's his thing.
#6: Kyle Singler (Duke forward; 61 previous points in the ACC tournament) - When your two top players are, and have consistently been, white dudes, I can only assume that you are a racist asshole head coach. More like Coach KKK, am I right?
#7: Rakim Sanders (Boston College guard/forward; 54 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Rakim Sanders has made this list with only two previous tournaments under his belt, and that's a sign of the high expectations he had on his shoulders coming into this year as a junior. But he missed a month with a foot injury and has not really been the same Rakim Sanders since coming back. Still, with a solid but young roster, Boston College could make a strong enough stand in the ACC tournament, cruise past Virginia in the opener, maybe give Duke a game, and give themselves something to hulk up about psychologically for next season.
#8: Marcus Ginyard (North Carolina guard/forward; 46 previous points in the ACC tournament) - A fifth-year Senior who was redshirted last year due to injury, so technically he wasn't on the national championship team, even though he was. It is very surprising how shitty the Tarheels have done this season, even to be in a down year. But Ginyard hasn't been healthy this year either, and the Tarheels have been fucked by injuries. Still, it is shocking to see them playing on the first day of the tournament (early night game against Georgia Tech), and even more shocking to think they might not be there on Friday. I know people are all like, "They could make a run and win this thing!" but come on; they're not gonna make a run and win this thing. Have you watched them play this year?
#9: Gani Lawal (Georgia Tech forward; 41 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Lawal has been one of the better inside players in the ACC this year, but he's been splitting those inside presence power point duties with newcomer Derrick Favors. Georgia Tech has been remarkably underwhelming this year, considering all the NBA prospects they allegedly have, but I guess when UNC is on a downward spiral, nobody notices how shitty Georgia Tech has been. Haha, still second fiddle, even at sucking.
#10: Deon Thompson (North Carolina forward; 40 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Thompson has been fighting back problems this year, but you have to consider him a disappointment overall. Two types of guys come through UNC - the blue-chippers who will probably go pro early, and then the just below blue-chippers who will probably play all four years but are expected to be the top level of junior and senior in the country when they hit the second half of their collegiate career. Deon Thompson has not fulfilled that role very well, and that's part of the problem with this 2010 UNC team.
#11: Jeff Allen (Virginia Tech forward; 37 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Fellow junior to Malcolm Delaney, and they are one of the more impressive one-two punches the ACC has to offer. They play the winner of Wake Forest/Miami on tomorrow afternoon, and very well could have a semifinal showdown with Duke on Saturday's early game. I would like to see the Hokies go through Duke on Saturday and Maryland on Sunday, or at least make the championship game. As a proud Virginian, that's about all I've got to root for this year.
#12: Zach Peacock (Georgia Tech forward; 37 previous points in the ACC tournament) - When Peacock came to Tech four years ago, he was supposed to set the league on fire. It hasn't exactly gone down that way. He's good, but inconsistent, and you would think with three solid sizeable forwards, the Yellowjackets would be fucking people up with some new era Phi Slamma Jamma bullshit. But they ain't.
#13: Ishmael Smith (Wake Forest guard; 36 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Piedmont Carolina kid going to Wake Forest and starring (although Al-Farouq Aminu is the true star of the team)... it's a dream coming true. He probably sat around like I did watching the tourney every spring. Wake has bottom feeder Miami in the opening round, with a game against Virginia Tech awaiting. A Tech/Wake game would be a lot of fun to watch as they are evenly matched and have some good one-on-one battles in their line-ups. This would be good because it would cause me to drink more beer on Friday afternoon.
#14: Josh Southern (Boston College center; 36 previous points in the ACC tournament) - Testament to Boston College's recent ACC tourney successes, because rarely would someone consider Josh Southern to be an offensive leader. He is a big, brutal, barbarian in the paint who beats people up and gets a few putbacks on the stat sheet at most.

Corona Light

AFFORDABILITY: I would not normally buy Corona in cans because it is highly expensive, and plus I don't have satellite television to brainwash myself during ogling the Apache family on lucha libre into thinking Corona is the bestest beer imaginable. But at the store on the way home, they had tall cans of Corona Light for half price (still more than a tallboy of PBR though), and we were sorta broke but I had given blood, so it all made sense. It’s weird though, because if you are slumming down from a microbrew bottle, the $1.89 price tag seems affordable as fuck. But when you’re moving up from the aforementioned PBR or Miller tall can, usually right around a dollar apiece, then you’re almost doubling your price. And is Corona Light really double as good as PBR or Miller? I mean, there are the logistics of having it imported I guess, but still. This conundrum leaves me not sure if I got a good deal or I got ripped off or I am just a retarded ass white dude who thinks too much about dumb shit. 3 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Corona Light, much like Corona, if you drink hard enough will inebriate you. But there is something inherently skunky about it, and it doesn’t seem to work as well when there’s a high humidity in the air. Luckily for me, it was dry, and I had just given blood, so a couple tall cans caused the couch to reach up and grab me down into the cushions while watching The Office reruns, hoping to stay awake until Family Guy came on. But once you dangle the left leg and then tuck the right foot up under the couch cushions to where it’s all cool inside the back crack, it’s over bro. You are down for the count and you’ll wake up at like 3 in the morning with the bullshit overnight TV news in the background and a kink in your neck, pissed because you’ll only get three hours of regular bed sleep before you have to get up and start another day. 2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: A tall can of Corona Light is nothing special, shiny and silver with that unmistakeable Corona logo but with a Light takced on with it. Seems odd that diet sodas are considered not manly yet a light beer is no problem. I know we are an obese ass nation of fuckfaces and could stand to lose a lot of dead weight, both as individuals and good lord yes collectively. But what happened to the proud beer belly, which is a round and solid buddha-like object of pride, not the flabby Little Debbie speckled goo blob that we’ve become famous for? Fuck a Corona Light, and all light beers, although it being Corona does make me think of watching lucha libre on the satellite television, and it being a light beer makes me think it would be more appropriate for women, which when combined with the lucha thing makes me think of Faby Apache. Mmm... Faby Apache. If someone can send me a youtube clip of Super Porky endorsing Corona Light on some wacked out local television commercial, then I might change this grade, but mostly I never change anything because this is a fucking blog stamped into the cyberworld as is, fuck editing. Editing is for assholes who get paid to write. 0 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Why can't corporations be fun evil like Mexican drug cartels? Like if Corona employed an army of Mexican midgets (most of which just have handicaps due to environmental poisoning by the company itself) to dig tunnels miles into America as a contractor for the drug cartels, that'd be awesome. But no, all they do is sell a bunch of their shitty beer and pay for expensive commercials where white people sit in beach chairs and do understated things to show how relaxed they are and all the brainless fat asses around me start to think about Kenny Chesney and how long it's been since they've been to Myrtle Beach, and Corona profits go through the roof and it becomes nearly impossible for me to find a halfway decent sized lime for my lemon cayenne pepper cleanse which I use more limes than lemons because well just because. As much as I used to in high school think Corona was a great alternative choice of getting drunk, at this point in my life it's nothing but the Mexican Budweiser. They should sponsor Juan Pablo Montoya. 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Corona Light is the perfect upwardly aimed white people beer. It is a fake vacation beer, yet light so that you don’t ruin your perfect skeletal remains of wild sexuality. Just thinking about people in their CLS/GLK/CS/R-Classes or whatever odd numbered engine starter BMW they have, hustling around amongst snake community commitments, and unwinding with this fool drink as they unbutton their shackle-master vests, it makes me sick. I might not ever buy a fucking Corona Light again, and although yeah yeah yeah I know salt of the Earth Mexicans love Corona, they are not the driving force behind this shit in America. In fact, they are a demographic that doesn’t get targeted so much as assumed, and their gringo diablo jefes sucking it down at a poolside retreat is the real bullseye here. If only it were a real bullseye, meaning real like something’s about to shoot, though I guess a for-real real bullseye is an actual bull’s eye... did people used to shoot at those things or do bull’s just have super-chronic vision? 0 out of 5.

Wednesday, March 10

S14: Top 14 Returning Scorers in the Pac-10 Conference Tournament

The Staples Center is the home to the Pac-10 Tournament in recent years (maybe since the beginning, I'm not sure), and this year the field is reduced by one, as USC pre-emptively took itself out of all postseason possibilities once it found out other people had found out they were paying O.J. Mayo to play there for one year a couple years back. Speaking upon the east coast bias accusations again, let's compare Big East and Pac-10. One has a storied conference tournament, held in a basketball arena called Madison Square Garden that is home to the New York Knicks (on a down cycle, but have a strong history) where tons of historic moments have happened. The other conference tournament is played in a basketball arena called The Staples Center, home to the most continuously worst pro team ever in the Los Angeles Clippers, and I'm not sure what's happened there other than the Michael Jackson Memorial. Haha, yeah, quite a bias. Anyways, here are the top 14 players returning to this year's Pac-10 tourney who have scored the most points in previous tourneys...
#1: Tajuan Porter (Oregon guard; 101 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Senior point guard with amazing shot accuracy might be the best player in the Pac-10, and yet he'll be playing in the solitary opening round game, as Oregon against Washington kicks off the tournament tonight at 8 pm, with the winner playing top-seeded California early tomorrow afternoon. Regardless, by next week, coach Ernie Kent will probably be polishing up his resume.
(USC guard Dwight Lewis would be listed here, with 68 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament, but they aren't eligible for competition. Bad thing is, I'm sure with them getting busted for paying people, Lewis had to give up some of his extra walking around money sources from within the booster system as well.)
#2: Theo Robertson (California forward; 67 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Part of a four-pack of Seniors on this California roster that makes them really the only seriously dangerous team in the Pac-10. Robertson was second team All-Pac-10 this year, and is originally from Pittsburg, California, which has always been one of my favorite place names on the California map. I like to sit around and look at atlases and find nicely named places, in hopes of one day doing my Blue Highways Across America book for the post-suburban meltdown of actual back roads culture.
#3: Quincy Pondexter (Washington forward; 63 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Even though he lost out on Pac-10 Player of the Year to California's Jerome Randle, he's considered the cream of the Pac-10 crop this year. The Huskies come in as the #3 seed in the tourney and will face off against Oregon State Thursday evening. If the bracket holds, they'll have a big match-up against Arizona State in the semifinals which might be just about an NCAA play-in game.
#4: Patrick Christopher (California guard; 58 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - First team All-Pac-10 two years in a row. He's coming straight outta Compton, and the nationally famous Dominguez High basketball program.
#5: Derek Glasser (Arizona State guard; 51 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - The oil behind the fluidity of Arizona State, this Senior point guard was actually planning on walking-on at USC before ASU offered him a scholarship late in the recruiting game. If that had happened instead, he'd be off-the-radar on a team with no postseason possibilities, and Arizona State may not have ascended to the heights it's ascended this year, as the bonafide second-best team in a struggling yet still major power conference.
#6: Jerome Randle (California guard; 51 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Pac-10 Player of the Year this year, and first team All-Pac-10 two years in a row. He's such a goofy looking fellow, and looking up info on him, I found out his mother's name is Zsa-Zsa. I did not expect there to be more than one person with that name on this earth, much less some lady from Chicago.
#7: Landry Fields (Stanford guard/forward; 48 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Senior leader of a Cardinal team that, much like the entire conference, has underperformed this year. They play 2nd-seeded Arizona State in the nightcap of the quarterfinal round on Thursday evening.
#8: Nic Wise (Arizona guard; 46 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Man, Arizona basketball is in a downward cycle too, ain't it? They play UCLA in the 4/5 quarterfinal opener tomorrow afternoon in a showdown of downward cycles. Nic Wise's senior season last time through these parts motivation will probably be the difference.
#9: Ty Abbott (Arizona State guard; 38 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Of the main stars upon this Sun Devil team, he is the junior, who will probably be back next year to see if this was lightning in a bottle by coach Herb Sendek, or the actual start of something beautiful.
#10: Lathen Wallace (Oregon State guard; 37 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - He plays for the President's brother-in-law, on a team called the Beavers, and his name makes me think of The Jerk.
#11: Isaiah Thomas (Washington guard; 31 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - He got his name when his father lost a bet on a Detroit Pistons/Los Angeles Lakers playoff game in 1989. Amazing. Names help make you who you are though, and he was the Pac-10's freshman of the year last year. Would he have been that if he had been named Ervin? Somewhere in the holographic universe, that is happening right now.
#12: Nikola Dragovic (UCLA forward; 27 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Big ugly Serbian forward, who like all big ugly whiteboys is oafish and abusive inside the paint, yet since he's European, he's actually adept at hitting 3-pointers as well. A perfect college player, in his senior season, and after two Final Four appearances his first two years, this year's 13-17 season must seem torturous. And yet, even at 13-17, they are the fifth seed in the Pac-10 tournament.
#13: Jerren Shipp (Arizona State guard; 24 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - Senior sharpshooter for ASU who comes from a Pac-10 basketball family. His oldest brother Joe was league scoring leader back in the day at California, and his middle brother Josh played for UCLA during their triple Final Four run. Josh is in Turkey balling, and Joe was in Brazil, so next year, unless Jerren can latch onto the D-League in hopes of the NBA, he'll be somewhere overseas too. Backyard horse games must've been a motherfucker at the Shipp house.
#14: Jamal Boykin (California forward; 23 previous points in the Pac-10 tournament) - The final of the four Seniors running this California squad. Oddly enough, Boykin is the only one to have ever been the Sweet 16 in the NCAA tournament, his freshman year when he played sparingly at Duke.

S14: Top 14 Returning Scorers in the Big 12 Tournament

The Big 12 Tournament takes place at the Spring Center in Kansas City, Missouri, this year, a centrally located major metropolis for the Big 12 member schools. This tournament has had a history of somebody sneaking from the first day into a later round, and usually in normal years, you have to consider Kansas and Texas the teams to watch, although Texas is all the way down to a 6th seed this year, and actually has to play on the opening day. Here are the fourteen highest lifetime returning scorers coming back to this year's Big 12 tournament...
#1: Damion James (Texas guard/forward; 98 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - This is supposed to be James' year, as he is a Senior on a team that was at one point ranked #1 in the country. But they have chronically underachieved the second half of the regular season, all the way out of the Top 25, and find themselves playing Iowa State for the right to play a Baylor team that blew them out earlier this year in the Big 12 quarterfinals. Still, you can never count Texas out.
#2: LaceDarius Dunn (Baylor guard; 89 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - After being the Big 12 Sixth man of the year last year, he became a prominent force this year as a Junior, and is part of a two-pronged guard attack that could make Baylor a surprise in the Big Dance, being they're not exactly a storied program or anything. LaceDarius is not afraid to take a shot.
#3: Sherron Collins (Kansas guard; 85 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - This is his senior season, although it seems like he's been in college at Kansas for about 9 years now already. Kansas is once again the top seed in the Big 12 tournament, and once again a legitimate threat to win it all on both the Big 12 and NCAA Division I level, which would give Collins two national title runs under his belt.
#4: Obi Muonelo (Oklahoma State guard; 77 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - Obi Muonelo has a funny-looking head where he wears his African guy high toppish fade hairstyle, and he is a Nigerian national. I support Nigeria in their late '70s funk music, in their World Cup bid on African soil this summer, and in blowing up airplanes. It is a country after my varied and discombobulated heart.
#5: Mike Singletary (Texas Tech forward; 74 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - In last year's Big 12 tournament against Texas A&M, Singletary dropped 43. That was the springboard to which he became the star of this Red Raider team this year. 43 points is a lot of points to score in a college basketball game.
#6: James Anderson (Oklahoma State guard; 68 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - The Junior guard is the Big 12 Player of the Year, but Oklahoma State still only got a 7-seed in the Big 12 tourney, and faces state rival Oklahoma for a chance to square off against the re-emerging Kansas State juggernaut in the quarterfinals in Thursday night's nightcap.
#7: Dexter Pittman (Texas center; 56 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - A big part of Texas' trouble this season has been their big man in the middle, who has struggled to stay healthy. Still, he seems to be in fighting condition, at least or the time being, and this being the last run together he and Damion James and Justin Mason get to make, they could rally for a strong March showing.
#8: Tony Crocker (Oklahoma guard; 55 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - Crocker is yet another great Senior guard making his last run through the Big 12 tourney, yet the thing I am most struck by when looking him up is he has a teammate in the Oklahoma Sooner starting lineup named Tiny Gallon.
#9: Bryan Davis (Texas A&M forward; 48 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - Davis is the Aggies rim-rattling dunkard man of excitement creation. This is his Senior year, and another trip to the Sweet 16 like in his freshman one seems highly unlikely, so he will have to live with the memories he has.
#10: Tweety Carter (Baylor guard; 45 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - Carter is the other prong in Baylor's two-pronged attack of relentless fury, in his Senior season. It's hard to imagine a guy called "Tweety Carter" being anything other than a professional lounger. Apparently, he got his nickname from his grandmother because of the way he cried as a baby. If I could waste money doing any one thing for online posterity, it would be a database of how people with fucked up names got their fucked up names. That is an important work that has yet to be done.
#11: Craig Brackins (Iowa State forward; 43 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - Learning that Craig Brackins is a Los Angeles kid gone to Iowa State to play basketball sort of mixes the entire Ice Cube early IMDB filmography in my head, along with Menace II Society, and he has gangster friends and a girlfriend with long ass extensions and fancy painted fake nails who stretches his first name into nearly two syllables, not quite but definitely more than one. HAARP beams have made my brain fucking stupid.
#12: Justin Mason (Texas guard; 41 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - The third part of the three-headed Senior monster that hopes to right Texas' wayward season.
#13: Donald Sloan (Texas A&M guard; 38 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - Senior guard who is bad as shit, and plays with an intensity that has there is no use for in the NBA, because the NBA is boring as fuck. Sloan should make tons of money and fans overseas somewhere next year, where they still like basketball and not everybody circling around while one dude tries to do this thing real quick.
#14: Zaire Taylor (Missouri guard; 36 previous points in the Big 12 tournament) - You know, when I saw him playing in a Missouri game last year during tournament time, I thought I recognized that name more than just being a wacky name. Sure enough, his first two years were spent playing for Delaware in the CAA. Originally from Shaolin, New York, he was on the Big 12 All-Tourney team last year when Missouri upset the normal flow of things Big 12 by beating Baylor in the championship game.