S14: Worst College Football Teams

And of course I will revisit the worst teams in the college football worlds again this week, as what else am I going to do with my life? Actually go out and make money? Hahaha, you fool. The world is ending; why bother? Once again, in case this is your first accidental perusal of this, criteria is 0 wins (until we don’t have 14 winless teams at least), with average margin of defeat breaking the ties, and then my personal preference being the second tiebreaker should it come down to that. And away we go...

#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-7, 52.286 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) - Texas College had their second-highest offensive output of the year last weekend at Langston, leading to a semi-respectable 53 to 20 loss. It seems apparent from their team nickname that this is some sort of joke team meant to be the Hell version of the Texas Longhorns team for kids who can’t stop being criminals long enough to get to Austin. Of course, that would mean this team might be halfway decent, I guess. It is too bad the NAIA doesn’t have a reverse postseason tournament as well for the dregs of their football league to try and win one to close out the season with. And whatever team lost the tournament, they’d just make them wreck the airplane on the way home, thus giving the school a solid reason to dissolve the football program. Plus, they could make an ESPN special about it in ten years.

#2: BECKER HAWKS (0-7, 42.429 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) - Yes indeed anonymous blog commenter from last week, Becker’s 68 to 6 home loss to SUNY-Maritime was good enough to move them up a spot. The sad thing about their 6 points is it was on a sloppy seconds touchdown run with less than two minutes left in the game. Poor poor Becker Hawks.

#3: ROCKFORD REGENTS (0-6, 39.500 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) - The Regents parlayed a sorta respectable 40 to 14 loss to Wisconsin Lutheran into moving down this list of football scrubs this week, if only one spot. It can only get better for you boys.

#4: NEWPORT NEWS APPRENTICE SCHOOL BUILDERS (0-6, 37.500 avg. margin of victory, #8 last week) - Their 39 to 0 home loss to Wesley was mentioned in yesterday’s best teams list, and allowed the Builders to bust a move halfway up the college football shit list.

#5: NEW MEXICO HIGHLANDS COWBOYS (0-8, 36.125 avg. margin of defeat, #7 last week) - Those gambling Cowboys of Las Vegas, Nevada, played one of their closest games of the year, only losing to Colorado State-Pueblo, 35 to 7. Only three weeks left for one of NCAA Division II’s worst teams.

#6: SOUTHERN VIRGINIA KNIGHTS (0-6, 34.833 avg. margin of defeat, #10 last week) - I am getting conflicting reports, as one place I just read is claiming Southern Virginia is actually 1-6, as the NAIA team rolls into it’s upcoming road trip to Football Championship Sub-division team (okay okay, Division I-AA) Gardner-Webb. But everywhere else says they are 0-6, meaning they probably beat somebody that doesn’t count, like a Canadian football club or a soccer team or something. A plus is the rest of the season, they are apparently on the road, leading up to that last week showdown against Newport News Apprentice School.

#7: DANA VIKINGS (0-7, 34.000 avg. margin of defeat, #9 last week) - Word ‘em up Dana Vikings, only losing to Peru State 38 to 20 at home last weekend. Keep fighting baby, and you’ll get a W yet.

#8: ANNA MARIA AMCATS (0-7, 33.571 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) - It is still the Cats first ever season of college football, and last weekend they took on another first-year team, also from NCAA Division III, in Castleton, who they lost to the first week... well first game ever for both teams, 42 to 28. This past week, at home, in Paxton, Massachusetts, they dropped a heartbreaker againt to Castleton, but only 24 to 21, giving them hope, and moving them to a more respectable spot on the shit list. Also, and I would assume this is related to my blog as I like to think I’m the center of the universe, the Helmet Project website that I jack these helmet images from (all credit due to that dude though, plus Allah) just got the real helmet for the Anna Maria College football team this past week, probably because some small school know-it-all was pissed I secretly replaced their actual helmet with one for some unsuccessful pro league team from Chicago in the ‘70s.

#9: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-7, 33.571 avg. margin of defeat, #13 last week) - Onward Christian soldiers, after your 45 to 10 loss last weekend to Shorter, which was a funeral home back in my hometown. I would expect a floral arrangement with a plastic telephone saying “JESUS CALLED” might be appropriate.

#10: MARANATHA BAPTIST BIBLE COLLEGE CRUSADERS (0-6, 33.000 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last week) - Last week, this Division III team only lost 32 to 6 to Benedictine University. Each week, they seem to shave it down a little more, meaning their last game of the year against Wisconsin Lutheran, they might only lose by like 14 points.

#11: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-6, 33.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) - On the weakness of their NAIA-affiliated 67 to 10 loss to Lindenwood at home last week, the mighty Wildcats of Culver-Stockton College crack the college football shit list. I’m sure Fayette, Missouri, is proud.

#12: IDAHO STATE BENGALS (0-7, 32.571 avg. margin of victory, #12 last week) - The highest profile team on this list (by level of competition at least) holds steady it’s spot on the shit list following their 30 to 7 loss to Northern Colorado. Oddly enough, in the past week, the school gave head football coach John Zamberlin a two-year extension to his contract.

#13: TRINITY INTERNATIONAL TROJANS (0-8, 32.500 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) - When you think Trojan football, most of America thinks of the rock solid USC team comprised of future first-rounders and suntanned football gods. But in Deefield, Illinois, they think of those loveable losing Trinity International University Trojans, getting steamrolled through the bottom of the NAIA. Last week was their worst loss of the year thus far, a 63 to 7 piledriving against St. Francis in Indiana.

#14: WEST GEORGIA WOLVES (0-7, 32.429 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) - Oh poor West Georgia. It just can’t win, literally and metaphorically. It scored a season-high 30 points last week against Arkansas Tech. Only problem was it also gave up a season-high 62 points. But even greater than all that is the fact that the Arkansas Tech football team moniker is Wonder Boys.
Gone From This List From Last Week: Hiram College Terriers (only lost to Earlham, 10 to 7), Lawrence Vikings (beat Knox College at home in Appleton, Wisconsin, 17 to 13), and Southwestern Oklahoma State Bulldogs (only lost to Central Oklahoma, 41 to 23, which barely got them out the shit list by average margin of defeat).