RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Thursday, December 2

S14: Worst College Football Teams

All the loser teams are done for the year, so there will be no reason to revisit this list again. Therefore these are your official 14 shittiest college football teams, all divisions and classes, of the year 2010 of our fake lord…

#1: LIVINGSTONE BLUE BEARS (0-11, 40.545 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last time) – Closed out on a high note, losing at Johnson C. Smith, 26 to 13, their closest game of the year. Outscored on the year 494 to 48.

#2: VALPARAISO CRUSADERS (0-11, 37.636 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last time) – Closed out the year with some solid road losses at Campbell (56 to 14) and Morehead State (37 to 15). Outscored on the year 514 to 100.

#3: EDWARD WATERS TIGERS (0-8, 36.375 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last time) – They did play their closest game of the year after the last Shit List, losing at North Carolina Central 20 to 7. They closed out with a road loss to Lambuth, outscored on the year by a total of 382 to 91.

#4: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-10, 35.900 avg. margin of defeat, #9 last time) – In a conference with such traditional lightweights as Husson, Becker, and Gallaudet, the Anna Maria Cats hulked up and went 0 for the year, closing out with a road loss to Mount Ida, 69 to 18. They were outplayed 536 to 177 on the year, but they had a story about their dumbasses in Sports Illustrated.

#5: JUNIATA EAGLES (0-10, 35.700 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last time) – They did break double digits for the third time this season in their next-to-last game against Dickinson, 41 to 14, but closed out with a solid home loss to Washington & Lee, 45 to 3, to finish 0 for the year. They were outscored 414 to 57 on the year, and they sucked.

#6: DORDT DEFENDERS (0-10, 35.100 avg. margin of defeat, #8 last time) – Oddly enough they closed the year out hosting one of the top teams on the Bully List, Sioux Falls, and only lost 49 to 0, which has to be considered good for them. On the year, they were outscored 385 to 34, and only got double digits one time – in a 36 to 10 loss at Doane.

#7: BETHEL THRESHERS (0-10, 34.900 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last time) – Bethel ended up being one of the NAIA’s worst teams, closing out their season with a 47 to 0 road loss to McPherson, and a 62 to 14 road loss to Sterling. Congratulations Threshers, you’ve somehow made an awesome sounding team soft as fuck. Year-end total? 494 to 145, the other guys.

#8: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-11, 33.091 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last time) – Beat out Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference rival Cheyney in their yearly quest to be the worst team in Division II football. They did score double digits their last four games, even breaking 30 for the first tie this year in a 63 to 31 loss at Indiana of Pennsylvania in their next to last game, so there is that to build on for next year I guess. Outscored 501 to 137 on the year.

#9: EARLHAM QUAKERS (0-10, 31.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last time) – “The Earlham Quakers” is one of those things that is so perfectly NCAA Division III that nothing I could write to mock it would be as good as what you probably already thought. Outscored on the year 422 to 112.

#10: TRINITY BIBLE LIONS (0-7, 31.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last time) – The Trinity Bible Lions are completely unaffiliated with any college league or class or conference even, and hodgepodged together a schedule that they went 0-7 with, being outscored 303 to 86 on the season. Congratulations Bible Lions of Ellendale, North Dakota, who are upholding the infamy of their 2005 team that lost to Rockford 105 to 0 very well. They also were the first team in a doubleheader scheduled by Northwestern College in 2005, meaning Northwestern was like, “Fuck it, we’ll play this team to warm up for the second team,” with no thought of losing. That’s pretty bad.

#11: WESTERN CONNECTICUT STATE COLONIALS (0-10, 30.800 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last time) – The Colonials did close out the year with one of their better performances, only losing at SUNY-Morrisville by a 48 to 25 score. Finished the year being outclocked 420 to 112. 420 bros, never forget.

#12: PACE SETTERS (0-9, 30.444 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last time) – You know, normally I would like to try and say something regarding the team specifically, but this is Pace’s first time on the Shit List and I absolutely amazed that they would call themselves the Pace Setters. That’s like the stupidest fucking thing ever. And when you hear that, my immediate reaction was, “Oh, well it’s probably some little Division III school in the mideast.” But no, it’s a Division II team, at a level of NCAA participation that you’d expect them to know better. Anyways, they were beaten on the year by 418 to 144.

#13: MACMURRAY HIGHLANDERS (0-10, 30.200 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last time) – The Highlanders bounced in and out of the Shit List this year, finishing the year with losses to places that sound made up like St. Scholastica and Westminster of Missouri. End of year scoreboard is 462 made up sounding assortment of teams, 160 MacMurray.

#14: OLIVET NAZARENE TIGERS (0-11, 30.182 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last time) – Finished on a down enough note to sneak into the final Shit List. Outscored on the year 511 to 179. Their NAIA Mid-States Football Association had a second 0-11 team – Quincy – who bounced around on this list as well this year.

Gone from this list from last time: #3 Culver-Stockton Wildcats (defeated Graceland on the road, 38 to 33, on Halloween weekend; I had to look up Graceland University because I wasn’t sure that was a real thing, but apparently it is), #6 Texas College Steers (the team that at one point seemed a lock to finish this year as the worst team in college football pulled off a 27 to 13 win, on the road even, at the Southwestern Assemblies of God Faith Healers, the last Saturday of the season), #7 Pacific Boxer (never won, finishing 0-9, but their last game at Menlo they only lost 44 to 42, which apparently was enough for my calculator), #10 Olivet Fighting Comets (also never won, finishing 0-10, but only lost by 14 and 7 their last two games), #13 Savannah State Tigers (beat North Carolina Central 28 to 21, and then lost their last game of the year to finish 1-10), and #14 Quincy Hawks (did not win either, finishing 0-11, but only lost to a Waldorf school their final game, 21 to 17).


Anonymous said...

How did Rockford College disappear from the list? They went oh for ten?

Raven Mack said...

didn't lose by enough points