RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Tuesday, August 15

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Everton F.C.

(Rooney celebrates his "scripted" goal last week, like Triple H at Wrestlemania)

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

I live in the Charlottesville, Virginia, USA, Earth, region, so we were all sort of pre-occupied with a Nazi invasion this past weekend. I didn’t even look up the Swansea City/Southampton result until well into the evening (our American evening, not English evenings, which I hear are wonderful this time of year), and it was nice of them to just have a 0-0 draw until I could actually watch. I wouldn’t have been able to illegally stream it anyways because I’m out of internet for the month, as I live in a rural area with shitty internet. Yes, I live in a magical place where you run out of internet and Nazis all of a sudden invade… don’t believe the myths about American exceptionalism at all.
Anyways, I doubt the Swans/Saints match would’ve been that great as two of my absolute favorites – Gylfi Sigurdsson and Virgil van Dijk – both were not playing due to kind of just fucking around waiting to actually be transferred to larger clubs. I get the sense that there’s a two-way dick maneuver going on here, where the smaller club is trying to fleece the larger club a little more while the larger club tries to drag it out so as to completely doom the smaller club to not be able to make deals with their newfound windfall at the transfer deadline.
This is not the case with Everton (who hopes to be reaping the benefits of Gylfi “Mr. Spot Kick” Sigurdsson soon enough), as they cashed out on last season’s top performer, and manager Ronald Koeman has splashed that cash on Michael Keene, Jordan Pickford, and Everton hometown boy Wayne Rooney (with, of course, Gylfi to soon join). After Koeman led Everton to a solid 7th and Europa League qualification, this infusion of first team talent has people delusional about something bigger. Personally though, I am hoping Rooney’s sour-faced pouting ruins it all, which I think it will. It’s an unreasonable thought, I know, but man it’d be great to see Rooney ruin his boyhood club and get them relegated. (Yes, that’s how much I dislike Wayne Rooney.)
Nonetheless, using my proven metaphysical scientific algorithms, here are the 25 men who took up the most space on this club’s last 100 non-friendly matches. Of course, since they are only a handful of matches into being at Everton, none of those big names mentioned above are on this list (yet)…

#1: Romelo Lukaku – Lukaku was out of control great last season for Everton, and a big part behind their success (as well as the cash infusion for their squad growth this off-season). Obviously he is gone, and showed no signs of slowing down, scoring a brace for ManU in PL debut for them. But one has to wonder if a batch of parts, albeit shiny parts, is going to equal what Lukaku gave them in terms of actually scoring. Rooney’s not going to do that. I mean, he did last weekend, but you know that dude was amped full of a lifetime of adrenaline for that moment. (Also, if you assume most major corporatist sports leagues are “engineered” for profit, no way Rooney doesn’t score the only goal of match right before half when in-stadium and at-home online shopping gets a massive boost during the commercial break.) Rooney is not going to replace Lukaku, so I guess the hope is Rooney and gang equal not only a draw in goal differential potential but a step in an even better direction. I don’t know though.
#2: Ross Barkley – Big boy Barkley seemed set for a switch to Spurs, but now he’s got hamstring issues that might mess it all up. He’s been an Everton man since before he was a man, but also I’m kinda like fuck Ross Barkley, which is why I think it’d be great if he stayed there with Rooney.
#3: Leighton Baines – Aging “vice-captain” which means he has settled into marriage with his third model wife so he’s the go-to guy for party drugs when the team goes out clubbing.
#4: Ashley Williams(previously ranked #10 with Swansea City on 01-Feb-2017) Ash was a transfer last year, as Koeman started stockpiling talent, and I was sad to see him leave Swansea City. He was a club legend, as well as Welsh legend, but of course this is football, and we fell in love with Alfie Mawson’s big goofy ass right away, and we were all heckling Ashley when he came back late last season. Lolol, man we’re some fickle fuckers.
#5: Seamus Coleman – Great poet.
#6: Phil Jagielka – Hockey player.
#7: Gareth Barry – Somehow English and not Welsh, despite being named Gareth.
#8: Idrissa Gueye – From Senegal, which means I will mention how because my wife went there one time, we use the Wolof word for naughty “si si” with our kids, so they know one Wolof word. Kinda stressed about Nazis to be honest, so sort of mailing this half-month in. This is essentially my League Cup.
#9: Joel Robles – Not sure if he is third or second on the GK depth charts now that Jordan Pickford is there, but I know you’re not likely to see Mr. Robles unless it’s an early round of the FA Cup.
#10: Ramiro Funes Mori – Poor dude was living up as an Argentine defender for River Plate, but crossed the ocean for the big money where he’s a part-time minute-getter for Everton. Corporate colonialism remains real.
#11: Kevin Mirallas – In researching Mirallas goal scoring history, I discovered there is actually a thing called the Dubious Goals Committee, which decides the identity of the goal scorer in instances where it’s not clear right away. They meet a few times a year, and figure these things out.
#12: Tom Davies – He’s only 19, but already made 30 appearances for Everton, most of which came last season. He’s also appeared in all three matches this season so far (one PL match, two in Europa League against Ruzomberok, which is a club of errant Amish guys I think).
#13: Jamie McCarthy – I think I had a Scottish themed Football Manager experiment where this guy crushed it for me for a few seasons, but I can’t be sure. A kid named McCarthy born and raised in Scotland (Glasgow specifically)? Of course he loves Celtic. He has been whispered to be on the way out himself, potentially dropping to a lower PL club like West Brom or stupid Newcastle United.
#14: Maarten Stekelenburg – The smuggest looking man in all of Haarlem, The Netherlands. He joined Everton last year with fellow Dutchboy Koeman at the helm, and was starter until he got injured and replaced by Robles, but regained his top position between the poles in April. That might be over with Pickford here now, but who knows. Never count Haarlem out.
#15: Aaron Lennon – Winger who spent a decade with Tottenham before joining Everton in February of 2015. Claims both Irish and Jamaican heritage, which, holy fuck, must be some sort of wild internal genetic molecular predisposition to berserk the world.
#16: Mason Holgate – Look, I don’t know many of the lower-level guys that end up on these lists, so I have to look them up like any shitty freelance writer would. Due to my American bias, I was flabbergasted with shock when I found out a guy named “Mason Holgate” was not white.
#17: Morgan Schneiderlin – A literal Nazi. (Sorry. We’re kind of PTSD’ed out here in Virginia right now, so when I walk around and see a vague white guy I don’t know, I automatically wonder, “fascist or friend?” to gauge whether I should be prepared for imminent violent conflict or not.)
#18: Tom Cleverley(previously ranked #18 with Watford on 01-May-2017) Loaned to Watford last January, which turned into permanent move, which is fine because Watford kits are way tighter. Why are so many English club kits so boring? Did they have less of a prism of colors back in the late 1800s or something?
#19: John Stones – I think now that John Stones is firmly settled at ManCity we can all agree, fuck John Stones.
#20: Bryan Oviedo – Freakin’ Costa Rican who plays from back line to midfield down the left side who moved to Sunderland this past January. Sorry Bryan.
#21: Gerard Deulofeu – Young Spanish winger who spent nearly three seasons in piecemeal portions with Everton before being loaned out to Italian club last season. Barcelona, who owned him still, triggered a buy-back clause, and now he’s back with Barca.
#22: Yannick Bolasie(previously ranked #15 with Crystal Palace on 15-Mar-2017) Came over from Crystal Palace at beginning of last season, but has played sparingly. Also been a steady presence at winger over the past few years for the Democratic Republic of Congo’s national team. And also noted grime enthusiast. I fucks with Congolese grime enthusiasts.
#23: Enner Valencia (previously ranked #22 with West Ham United on 01-Jun-2017) Ecuadorian whirlwind who struggled during a season long loan to Everton last season from West Ham, but yo, he’s signed for Tigres in Mexico. Can’t tell you how excited that makes me. I wish my man Jefferson Montero from Swansea City would make a move to Santos Laguna. Liga MX so much fun to watch.
#24: Tim Howard – The American Taliban, who has since returned to his homeland to lead a jihad of cornball cosplaying American Outlaws too high on that Colorado kind to realize what fucking tools they all are.
#25: Arouna Kone – Released by Everton at the end of last season, to move to Turkey (playing for Sivasspor now), where all Ivorians should go to find their truest footballing power levels.

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