(the earth's eventual champion of sports ranking perfection)
I was sitting around dorking the fuck out with
scientific heart, contemplating the vast organic yet anarchic organization that
is the world’s football, and thunk how there should be a metaphysical
pseudo-scientific list of the world’s most football teams. (I contemplating
saying “best” but that conjures up our pre-conceptions of what it means to be
successfully reknowned as the “best”.) I do a lot of fucking around both at
work and in personal nonsense gibberish channeling with spreadsheets, and we
certainly live in a mistaken golden age of data analytics. I just rode to the
country store up the road to get a 2-liter of ginger ale, and on the NPR while
I rode up there was a story about predictive policing and using algorithms to
harass young black men in Chicago. The drunken neighbor young man was there,
telling everybody “holla at me”, and he joked with the cashier lady in slurred
mannerisms while I gawked at the bongs on the top shelf behind her, plus the
fact they had dice for sale in three different color, quarter per die. The
country store (and surrounding parking lot) is as generally bordline lawless as
the urban corner store as in Chicago (or anywhere), but I doubt any predictive
policing will ever reach out here, not until predictive policing is useless and
two versions aged out of relevance to whatever tomorrow’s hot new fake science
will be.
So this will be called the Sportsball 69, and it
will be pseudo-science, or metaphysics, but real as fuck. It will be as real as
country store parking lots, and tattoos of leprechauns smoking joints, and
drunken happy men tearing down fences together to go stand on grass and
celebrate a sporting victory they had no physical involvement in but actually
own more so than the actual players involved. There is a methodology to this,
but it’s fucked, and I rambled about the country store too much and am just
gonna get into the list. I’ll probably explain more about the methodology
tomorrow, or I might not. Who the fuck knows? But holla at me.
#47: UANL (85 pts): Mexican Tigres, from Nuevo
Leon, who almost nearly became first Mexican club to win Copa Libertadores
tournament last year, losing in grand finale two-legger to those bastards from
Argentina River Plate; technically a college football team but never mentioned
in American Lamestream Media
#48: SANFRECCE HIROSHIMA (85 pts): football born
from nuclear ash pit, called Sanfrecce which I am too far into the back yard to
consult the internet (my wi isn’t that fi) but it sounds like the type of pasta
noodles you get at pretend fancy store in recently gentrified hood, getting you
some sanfrecce rigata and goat cheese with some farm-to-table Funny White Devil
Cider Stout pint growlers
#49: MONTERREY (84 pts): arch regional cultural
hated rivals of the Tigres UANL team two slots above, and nothing is more
chaotic and exciting and splintered into more mini-seasons and tournaments and
strange “you might qualify for this tournament but also might qualify for that
one” craziness than Mexican football
#50: TP MAZEMBE (83 pts): this kinda my chosen
team from African continent because their nickname (Les Courvoisiers?) is
frenchy for The Ravens, but their logo has an alligator holding a soccer ball
(football) in its mouth, and they are from deep Congo DR, down in Lubumbashi,
nasty ass mega-city sprawling out from open earth sore copper mine, almost like
the earth itself spat the city out around the manmade hole
#51: MAMELODI SUNDOWNS (83 pts): one of first
South African teams to be in African Champions League group stages (final 8) in
last few years, so folks are hyped as fuck, because usually every year there
are two or three South African teams who are like “WE ARE GOING TO SPEND MONEY
TO WIN CHAMPIONS LEAGUE” but then they don’t do shit because South African
soccer is not nearly as tight as one would expect
#52: GAMBA OSAKA (82 pts): don’t know much about
Japanese soccer, but I know a couple creepy ass 40-something white dudes who
post a lot of shit on social media about that weird ass school girl fantasy
J-pop stuff, so watch out for those dudes, okay? I mean, internet trains us to
be more tolerant especially of consenting perversions, but I don’t know,
something seems hidden weird, below the surface about it, so if we all just
promise to call people out on their bullshit if they step over the line, we’ll
be okay; problem is, true creeps know to not ever step over the line until they
slip up one day and you find out the dude you worked with killed runaways in
Delmarva peninsula
#53: LIBERTAD (80 pts): Paraguayan team which is
espanol for liberty, which might be obvious but also was what everybody in
Scarface was chanting as they burned up Idomeni right before Scarface stabbed
Joseph Mengele
#54: ETOILE DU SAHEL (78 pts): Etoile du Sahel are
a top Tunisian team from Sahel region, where many wonderful internet sounds
have been discovered; also their mascot based off Red Devils nickname is a long
redhaired hillbilly looking dude like straight 1800s Scotland to east Kentucky
ass dude with a trident, so imagining convert Sufi mystic Sahel hillbilly
(Sahel-billy) building concubine commune in innate nomadic fashion seems pure
metaphysical positive manifestation imagery, in my opinion (almost just went
full “imo” there but decided against it to keep this bloggish even though I’ve
obviously abandoned proper civilized punctuations)
#55: ASTANA (76 pts): there are like two good
teams from Kazakhstan who end up in European tournaments because Kazakhstan is
in that central asia steppe region which *might* be Asia but also *might* be
Europe so they joined Europe, and fuck man no fucked up team from Kazakhstan
stands a chance against the likes of the big clubs from the giant cultural
epicenters of world history (big five leagues) but when they do trickle through
the early rounds, they end up wanting to do shit like sacrifice a goat in
Scotland (true story) and it causes a bubb rubb because indignant euro
motherfuckers are like OH MY GOD HOW CAN THESE BACKWARDS PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT
TO SACRIFICE A GOAT? but real talk, goat meat is great as fuck, and also you don’t
have to be cultured to know how to kick a ball into a giant net as good as way
book smarter motherfuckers
#56: KAIZER CHIEFS (76 pts): South African team
again, so the word “kaizer” in their name really trips me out, what with
apartheid history and nazi references, but again I’m too far outside at the
third tier picnic table to access interwebs; we have first level (by the house)
picnic table, second level(far back of yard), and third level (invisible to
unloungers), and obviously that’s where I’m sitting to compose Sportsball 69
knowledges
#57: FC SEOUL (76 pts): south korean football I
imagine is played by robot cartoons in hyperspace, fc seoul created with dual
meaning of “soul” because their robot cartoons gained artificial intelligence
but then also artificial gut intuition which caused their artificial
intelligence to expand further than other robot cartoon football teams, and
that is why they are so successful; I imagine
#58: ZELJEZNICAR (74 pts): eternally fascinated by
Bosnian clubs because of Muslim whitey status of Bosnia the nation, and
Zeljeznicar is one of the bigger (or at least most successful) teams from the
BIH; plus whenever something got all them “Z”s in it you can’t sleep on it,
shit sounds tight as fuck, like how you gonna deny a bunch of Islamic bearded
white ancient fuckers shouting ZELJEZNICAR! to the heavens, hoping to win some
self-esteem back after the splintering of Yugoslavia, inshallah
#59: ZRINJI MOSTAR (74 pts): another major Bosnian
club, but I already spoke upon that just now, and not as many “Z”s here
#60: POHANG STEELERS (74 pts): Pohang Steelers one
of the all-time best South Korean clubs, and got their name from steel
industry, just like American football Pittsburgh Steelers, but whereas
Pittsburgh American football Steelers play in “Heinz Field” sponsored by
ketchup corporation, Pohang Steelers play in THE POHANG STEEL YARD which really
is unfuckwithable sounding stadium
#61: LYON (74 pts): not much to say about French
clubs; like I ain’t anti-french or perpetuate anti-franco stereotypes, but I
just ain’t all that interested, like I avoid the whole thing, but I doubt
“Lyon” is French for “Lion” although it might be and even if it is it’s not
like lions eat people in a city in France any more so who gives a fuck?
#62: AL-WAHDA (72 pts): a Syrian club, which is a
good time to mention that guess what? even though countries like Syria and Iraq
and Egypt have been wracked by social turmoil and civil wars and predator drone
bombs galore, they have had football the entire time; Al-Wahda has remained
steady success not only in Syrian top league but in Asian club tournaments, all
while nation is total chaos; I think all the teams still playing the past two
years have been in Damascus because that’s the only place they could secure
security for games, but the games went on; in America if we have a serious
incident, major sports would be shut down for weeks – if the country fell apart
all that shit would go away without a fight, because it’s business not cultural
(fuck business, culture first business second, which is why modern football is
corporate devilry a lot of times and places)
#63: CRUZEIRO (72 pts): a Brazilian club that
conjures up late ‘70s low rider magazine pinstriping sciences in my mind,
because my mind is not all that controlled many moments
#64: DEFENSOR SPORTING (71 pts): Uruguay land of
chill beauty and powerful Beautiful Game culture fully fermented; my ol’ lady
was gonna pay for me to go to Uruguay this year and I was just gonna fuck
around and go watch football as much as possible and walk around Montevideo and
disappear into the coastal mountains and try to further develop my wildbird gringo
mysticism with international flavorings, but instead we just paid a bunch of
stupid electric and phone bills and bought gas to keep going back and forth to
work until I am dead
#65: SAN LORENZO (71 pts): an Argentine club, but
I have unfortunately run through personal quota of Argentine football talk for
today already; I guess it bears mentioning the reason they are above Al-Ahli
below them but below Defensor Sporting above them is the criteria for breaking
ties in Sportsball 69 points system is my personal preference, thus ensuring
this unparalleled internet sportsball list maintains my high level of integrity
even with metaphysical pseudo-sciences applied
#66: AL-AHLI (71 pts): WARNING: THIS IS NOT THE
MORE FAMOUS AL-AHLY FROM CAIRO BUT A LESSER FAMOUS BUT STILL QUALITY TEAM FROM
SAUDI ARABIA WHOSE INTERNATIONAL FIFA CODE IS KSA FOR KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA,
YOU NEVER HEAR “KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA” HERE THOUGH DO YOU? BEHOLD A PALE
HORSE, WILLIAM B COOPER WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, DON’T BELIEVE ALEX JONES HE IS A
MISINFORMATION PLANT FOR THE GREY ALIENS
#67: RIVER PLATE (70 pts): most serious ass
rivalry in South American sports is River Plate/Boca Juniors, which had a
continental tournament game suspended last year because the fans maced all the
players from the other team when they came out after halftime; no American
college football rivalry, no matter how heated it is, comes close to
motherfuckers getting maced by hooligan fans; uptight business-minded human
beings would say “well that’s a good thing, we’re not animals” but I’d counter
that wait we actually are animals, but some of us are assholes
#68: LDU QUITO (70 pts): one of top teams from
Ecuador, who has been football shocker in international level as of late (well,
World Cup 2018 qualifying) but this is likely because of Ecuador putting Rights
of Nature into their constitution and believing politically in buen vivir aka
the good living which is unsustainable by standard capitalist practices, which
also doesn’t mean socialist because world is not made of only opposites; good
living is the power of lounge, and main reason the world’s football has drawn
my disgruntled gringo eyeballs (and heart) is because power of lounge is
important to me and commercial bombardment is not the good life, but squeezing
up next to a bunch of other loungers, standing room only (terrace life), seems
more attuned to community than 129 euro official jerseys with a fucking
commercial across the front bigger than the crest patch; just saying (plus LDU
Quito crest looks like an army from Civilization patch, as all good football
team crests look like – to me, fractured gringo brain of digital era)
#69: ATLETICO NACIONAL (69 pts): one of the humans
I talk football with most in life is a crazy Colombiana barista lady at work around
my age with insane chatter and salsa dancing predilection and golden dyed long
hair, and she is from Medellin so this is her team, and she updates me and I
know when they have big games because she will wear one of her seven thousand
jerseys and also maybe her shoes or earrings that match, and I love her like an
old friend even though we both hardly understand half of what the other one
says, but the fact I decided to make a pseudo-science metaphysical list called
Sportsball 69 and her team ended up in 69th place with 69 points, to me this
was universal magnetic sign that I am doing this right as fuck
TOMORROW: NUMBERS 24 THROUGH 46 (aka The Middle
Third)
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