RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Wednesday, June 1

SPORTSBALL 69: June 2016 Day One of the three

(the earth's eventual champion of sports ranking perfection)

I was sitting around dorking the fuck out with scientific heart, contemplating the vast organic yet anarchic organization that is the world’s football, and thunk how there should be a metaphysical pseudo-scientific list of the world’s most football teams. (I contemplating saying “best” but that conjures up our pre-conceptions of what it means to be successfully reknowned as the “best”.) I do a lot of fucking around both at work and in personal nonsense gibberish channeling with spreadsheets, and we certainly live in a mistaken golden age of data analytics. I just rode to the country store up the road to get a 2-liter of ginger ale, and on the NPR while I rode up there was a story about predictive policing and using algorithms to harass young black men in Chicago. The drunken neighbor young man was there, telling everybody “holla at me”, and he joked with the cashier lady in slurred mannerisms while I gawked at the bongs on the top shelf behind her, plus the fact they had dice for sale in three different color, quarter per die. The country store (and surrounding parking lot) is as generally bordline lawless as the urban corner store as in Chicago (or anywhere), but I doubt any predictive policing will ever reach out here, not until predictive policing is useless and two versions aged out of relevance to whatever tomorrow’s hot new fake science will be.
So this will be called the Sportsball 69, and it will be pseudo-science, or metaphysics, but real as fuck. It will be as real as country store parking lots, and tattoos of leprechauns smoking joints, and drunken happy men tearing down fences together to go stand on grass and celebrate a sporting victory they had no physical involvement in but actually own more so than the actual players involved. There is a methodology to this, but it’s fucked, and I rambled about the country store too much and am just gonna get into the list. I’ll probably explain more about the methodology tomorrow, or I might not. Who the fuck knows? But holla at me.
#47: UANL (85 pts): Mexican Tigres, from Nuevo Leon, who almost nearly became first Mexican club to win Copa Libertadores tournament last year, losing in grand finale two-legger to those bastards from Argentina River Plate; technically a college football team but never mentioned in American Lamestream Media
#48: SANFRECCE HIROSHIMA (85 pts): football born from nuclear ash pit, called Sanfrecce which I am too far into the back yard to consult the internet (my wi isn’t that fi) but it sounds like the type of pasta noodles you get at pretend fancy store in recently gentrified hood, getting you some sanfrecce rigata and goat cheese with some farm-to-table Funny White Devil Cider Stout pint growlers
#49: MONTERREY (84 pts): arch regional cultural hated rivals of the Tigres UANL team two slots above, and nothing is more chaotic and exciting and splintered into more mini-seasons and tournaments and strange “you might qualify for this tournament but also might qualify for that one” craziness than Mexican football
#50: TP MAZEMBE (83 pts): this kinda my chosen team from African continent because their nickname (Les Courvoisiers?) is frenchy for The Ravens, but their logo has an alligator holding a soccer ball (football) in its mouth, and they are from deep Congo DR, down in Lubumbashi, nasty ass mega-city sprawling out from open earth sore copper mine, almost like the earth itself spat the city out around the manmade hole
#51: MAMELODI SUNDOWNS (83 pts): one of first South African teams to be in African Champions League group stages (final 8) in last few years, so folks are hyped as fuck, because usually every year there are two or three South African teams who are like “WE ARE GOING TO SPEND MONEY TO WIN CHAMPIONS LEAGUE” but then they don’t do shit because South African soccer is not nearly as tight as one would expect
#52: GAMBA OSAKA (82 pts): don’t know much about Japanese soccer, but I know a couple creepy ass 40-something white dudes who post a lot of shit on social media about that weird ass school girl fantasy J-pop stuff, so watch out for those dudes, okay? I mean, internet trains us to be more tolerant especially of consenting perversions, but I don’t know, something seems hidden weird, below the surface about it, so if we all just promise to call people out on their bullshit if they step over the line, we’ll be okay; problem is, true creeps know to not ever step over the line until they slip up one day and you find out the dude you worked with killed runaways in Delmarva peninsula
#53: LIBERTAD (80 pts): Paraguayan team which is espanol for liberty, which might be obvious but also was what everybody in Scarface was chanting as they burned up Idomeni right before Scarface stabbed Joseph Mengele
#54: ETOILE DU SAHEL (78 pts): Etoile du Sahel are a top Tunisian team from Sahel region, where many wonderful internet sounds have been discovered; also their mascot based off Red Devils nickname is a long redhaired hillbilly looking dude like straight 1800s Scotland to east Kentucky ass dude with a trident, so imagining convert Sufi mystic Sahel hillbilly (Sahel-billy) building concubine commune in innate nomadic fashion seems pure metaphysical positive manifestation imagery, in my opinion (almost just went full “imo” there but decided against it to keep this bloggish even though I’ve obviously abandoned proper civilized punctuations)
#55: ASTANA (76 pts): there are like two good teams from Kazakhstan who end up in European tournaments because Kazakhstan is in that central asia steppe region which *might* be Asia but also *might* be Europe so they joined Europe, and fuck man no fucked up team from Kazakhstan stands a chance against the likes of the big clubs from the giant cultural epicenters of world history (big five leagues) but when they do trickle through the early rounds, they end up wanting to do shit like sacrifice a goat in Scotland (true story) and it causes a bubb rubb because indignant euro motherfuckers are like OH MY GOD HOW CAN THESE BACKWARDS PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO SACRIFICE A GOAT? but real talk, goat meat is great as fuck, and also you don’t have to be cultured to know how to kick a ball into a giant net as good as way book smarter motherfuckers
#56: KAIZER CHIEFS (76 pts): South African team again, so the word “kaizer” in their name really trips me out, what with apartheid history and nazi references, but again I’m too far outside at the third tier picnic table to access interwebs; we have first level (by the house) picnic table, second level(far back of yard), and third level (invisible to unloungers), and obviously that’s where I’m sitting to compose Sportsball 69 knowledges
#57: FC SEOUL (76 pts): south korean football I imagine is played by robot cartoons in hyperspace, fc seoul created with dual meaning of “soul” because their robot cartoons gained artificial intelligence but then also artificial gut intuition which caused their artificial intelligence to expand further than other robot cartoon football teams, and that is why they are so successful; I imagine
#58: ZELJEZNICAR (74 pts): eternally fascinated by Bosnian clubs because of Muslim whitey status of Bosnia the nation, and Zeljeznicar is one of the bigger (or at least most successful) teams from the BIH; plus whenever something got all them “Z”s in it you can’t sleep on it, shit sounds tight as fuck, like how you gonna deny a bunch of Islamic bearded white ancient fuckers shouting ZELJEZNICAR! to the heavens, hoping to win some self-esteem back after the splintering of Yugoslavia, inshallah
#59: ZRINJI MOSTAR (74 pts): another major Bosnian club, but I already spoke upon that just now, and not as many “Z”s here
#60: POHANG STEELERS (74 pts): Pohang Steelers one of the all-time best South Korean clubs, and got their name from steel industry, just like American football Pittsburgh Steelers, but whereas Pittsburgh American football Steelers play in “Heinz Field” sponsored by ketchup corporation, Pohang Steelers play in THE POHANG STEEL YARD which really is unfuckwithable sounding stadium
#61: LYON (74 pts): not much to say about French clubs; like I ain’t anti-french or perpetuate anti-franco stereotypes, but I just ain’t all that interested, like I avoid the whole thing, but I doubt “Lyon” is French for “Lion” although it might be and even if it is it’s not like lions eat people in a city in France any more so who gives a fuck?
#62: AL-WAHDA (72 pts): a Syrian club, which is a good time to mention that guess what? even though countries like Syria and Iraq and Egypt have been wracked by social turmoil and civil wars and predator drone bombs galore, they have had football the entire time; Al-Wahda has remained steady success not only in Syrian top league but in Asian club tournaments, all while nation is total chaos; I think all the teams still playing the past two years have been in Damascus because that’s the only place they could secure security for games, but the games went on; in America if we have a serious incident, major sports would be shut down for weeks – if the country fell apart all that shit would go away without a fight, because it’s business not cultural (fuck business, culture first business second, which is why modern football is corporate devilry a lot of times and places)
#63: CRUZEIRO (72 pts): a Brazilian club that conjures up late ‘70s low rider magazine pinstriping sciences in my mind, because my mind is not all that controlled many moments
#64: DEFENSOR SPORTING (71 pts): Uruguay land of chill beauty and powerful Beautiful Game culture fully fermented; my ol’ lady was gonna pay for me to go to Uruguay this year and I was just gonna fuck around and go watch football as much as possible and walk around Montevideo and disappear into the coastal mountains and try to further develop my wildbird gringo mysticism with international flavorings, but instead we just paid a bunch of stupid electric and phone bills and bought gas to keep going back and forth to work until I am dead
#65: SAN LORENZO (71 pts): an Argentine club, but I have unfortunately run through personal quota of Argentine football talk for today already; I guess it bears mentioning the reason they are above Al-Ahli below them but below Defensor Sporting above them is the criteria for breaking ties in Sportsball 69 points system is my personal preference, thus ensuring this unparalleled internet sportsball list maintains my high level of integrity even with metaphysical pseudo-sciences applied
#67: RIVER PLATE (70 pts): most serious ass rivalry in South American sports is River Plate/Boca Juniors, which had a continental tournament game suspended last year because the fans maced all the players from the other team when they came out after halftime; no American college football rivalry, no matter how heated it is, comes close to motherfuckers getting maced by hooligan fans; uptight business-minded human beings would say “well that’s a good thing, we’re not animals” but I’d counter that wait we actually are animals, but some of us are assholes
#68: LDU QUITO (70 pts): one of top teams from Ecuador, who has been football shocker in international level as of late (well, World Cup 2018 qualifying) but this is likely because of Ecuador putting Rights of Nature into their constitution and believing politically in buen vivir aka the good living which is unsustainable by standard capitalist practices, which also doesn’t mean socialist because world is not made of only opposites; good living is the power of lounge, and main reason the world’s football has drawn my disgruntled gringo eyeballs (and heart) is because power of lounge is important to me and commercial bombardment is not the good life, but squeezing up next to a bunch of other loungers, standing room only (terrace life), seems more attuned to community than 129 euro official jerseys with a fucking commercial across the front bigger than the crest patch; just saying (plus LDU Quito crest looks like an army from Civilization patch, as all good football team crests look like – to me, fractured gringo brain of digital era)
#69: ATLETICO NACIONAL (69 pts): one of the humans I talk football with most in life is a crazy Colombiana barista lady at work around my age with insane chatter and salsa dancing predilection and golden dyed long hair, and she is from Medellin so this is her team, and she updates me and I know when they have big games because she will wear one of her seven thousand jerseys and also maybe her shoes or earrings that match, and I love her like an old friend even though we both hardly understand half of what the other one says, but the fact I decided to make a pseudo-science metaphysical list called Sportsball 69 and her team ended up in 69th place with 69 points, to me this was universal magnetic sign that I am doing this right as fuck
TOMORROW: NUMBERS 24 THROUGH 46 (aka The Middle Third)

No comments: