SPORTSBALL 69: June 2016 Day Three of the three

(you know how we do; kickin' it like boban)

In order to instill Golden Ratio blessings unto this initial Sportsball 69, to hopefully universally magnetize all further future endeavors under this banner, I have decided to employ Fibonacci sequence to the syllabic blurbage for these top 23 teams. SEE YOU IN TWO MONTHS WITH THE NEXT INSTALLATION OF THIS METAPHYSICAL NONSENSE GIBBERISH!

#1: BARCELONA (278 pts): Spain. Champs. Messi. Plus Suarez. Plus stupid Neymar. And yet somehow, they still struggled.

#2: BAYERN MUNICH (241 pts): Pep. Champs. German. Mongoloids. Eternal red wealth. Those dudes in crowd keep waving flags. Robotic German arms continue waving those flags. LIKE THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME EVERY GAME, THOSE DUDES DO NOT EVER STOP WAVING THOSE FLAGS!

#3: REAL MADRID (219 pts): Spain. Blech. Bitches. Weak football. I hate Ronaldo. Fashion magazine modern sport. Hologram jerseys never get blemished by real dirt.

#4: AL AHLY (217 pts): Kings. Gold. Masters. Al Ahly. Where Pharoahs are born. Billed as “Club of the Century”. The ultras overthrew President Morsi’s regime. Attained complete perfect season in 2005, unbeaten in 55 games. A true people’s team born from student union century ago, and maintains level of patriotism deeper than just government. Send me to Cairo to soak in Ahly vs. Zamalek, a true blood rivalry, which both teams are still in group play of African Champions League this season, so they both could advance, and be drawn together for two-leg war.

#5: ESPERANCE ST (177 pts): Blood. Gold. Tunis. Esperance? Doesn’t that mean hope? North African football hates France. The legacy of colonialism still lives. A top Tunisian player still is worth more in Europe than at home in Africa. These are the lingering effects of the era of conquest, where the leagues considered world champions are also the ones which took the whole world.

#6: GUANGZHOU EVERGRANDE (174 pts): Wack. Wealth. Chinese. On the rise. It’s all new money. Owned by the Chinese ebay group. Top Chinese soccer is built off smoke and mirror wealth. It will wisp away like smokestack emissions, nothing left but creosote of failed dreams.

#7: DINAMO ZAGREB (165 pts): Rough. Raw. Balkan. Bad Blue Boys. Somewhat infamous. Champions League draw to avoid. If you go to Zagreb for football, you might get stabbed.

#8: CELTIC (153 pts): Green. Proud. Old Firm. Antifa. British pariahs. Scotland’s premier dominant force. Brendan Rodgers appointed new manager/new hope. Bastard Rangers’ recent promotion means return to regular blood feud rivalry. About to begin another mid-summer early qualifying round Champions League two-legger against some Euro bottom feeder. But football builds heartfelt fanaticism not in corporate spotlight moments but all those obscure memories during remote minutes which blur together into supporters’ passion deeper than literal ownership.

#9: AL-HILAL (153 pts): Boss. Oil. Saudis. King Fahd Stadium. Half their players named Abdullah.

#10: THE NEW SAINTS (152 pts): Welsh. Saints. Minnows. Not “British”. Sports green and white hoops. Home stadium seats two thousand. At one point were known as “Total Network Solutions”. Actual full name is “The New Saints of Oswestry Town & Llansantffraid Football Club”.

#11: ES SETIF (148 pts): Dumb. List. “Sportsball”. Black Eagles. Algerian Champs. Fibonacci blurbs is stupid.

#12: PARTIZAN (146 pts): Serbs. Crazed. For real. Insane fans. (All Serbs are insane.) At first, Yugoslav army team. Their ultras called Grobari, which means “undertakers”. Dominant during pre- and post-Yugoslavia, and to be honest, they scare me.

#13: SHAKHTAR DONETSK (142 pts): Wax. Tap. “Waxtap”. (From their crest.) Displaced due to war. Used to have like nine superstars. Sold them all off, still ruling Ukrainian football.

#14: JEONBUK HYUNDAI MOTORS (129 pts): Cars. CARS. Dak Gong. “Dinos” once. They rock lime green kits. Recent Korean K-League kings. Drunk drove my friend’s mom’s Hyundai Excel lots in high school.

#15: RED STAR BELGRADE (126 pts): Serbs. Reds. “The Star”. Balkan wild. Eternal Derby. That’s Red Star/Partizan showdowns. Imagine drunken militant Balkan berserkers. Then multiply that by two, add pyrotechnics, homemade weaponry – LET’S PLAY FOOTBALL!

#16: EMELEC (123 pts): Chill. Ball. Chillball. Ecuador. Called “El Bombillo”. Technically, that means “light bulb”. And yet Ecuador recognizes Rights of Nature.

#17: ASANTE KOTOKO (121 pts): Black. Stars. Gold Coast. All red kits. Porcupine Warriors. A top Ghanaian football team. Motto: Kill a thousand, and a thousand more will come. Their crest, in fact, refers to the Kingdom of Ashanti, pre-colonialism. Owned by the actual emperor of the Empire of Asante, which still exists as an entity, although it’s rule is not final.

#18: LINFIELD (121 pts): Blues. Fucks. Minnows. Protestants. Irish (Northern part). Sectarian conflict on pitch. Current ownership tries to move on; history don’t. Currently managed by Northern Irish legend, David Healy (all-time goalscorer).

#19: FENERBAHCE (118 pts): Turks. Strong. Sketchy. Fixed some games. Yellow Canaries. Galatasaray’s main rivals. Founded in secrecy during Ottoman Empire.

#20: NACIONAL (115 pts): Whites. Yeah. Hinchas. El Parque. Uruguayan champs. Fans displayed largest flag ever.

#21: CHELSEA (115 pts): Blues. Trash. Roman. Corporate. Soulless entity. At what psychic cost comes winning? We truly do live in dark age reign of quantities. (I wonder if Rene Guenon – were he still alive – enjoy the English Premier League?)

#22: PARIS SAINT-GERMAIN (114 pts): French. Champs. Fuck them. Rouge et Bleu. Owned by Qataris. Still worship Zlatan (though he’s gone).  Good example of modern football (in the bad ways). For real though – fuck modern football’s billionaire owners pricing out drunk criminal fans.

#23: AL-JAISH (111 pts): Shrug. Yawn. STARS LEAGUE! From Qatar. Arab football’s fucked. Their crest looks militant as fuck. Kick it in Abdullah bin Khalifa Stadium.

NEXT TIME: shooting for August 1, for a bi-monthly feature, but keeping this thing deeply in spirit of football metaphysics (which is essentially life metaphysics), one can never predict how the “hand of god” will alter master plans made by feeble monkey man mind; perhaps the golden ratio plan was a struggle, but all supreme mathematics are.