#1: I had originally set up a separate blog for this Sporting 14 idea, where I list 14 things of a sporting nature, and oftentimes of a dorked out calculated obsessive compulsive disorderly nature, thinking other people may eventually join me in such a thematic blog. But let’s be serious, no one else ever shares your own retarded vision (assuming you even have a vision, as most seem to be the walking fucked lately), so why bother? I’m going through the manual motions of bringing a bunch of stupid things from other blogs back into rojonekku to have one compendium of Raven’s multi-faceted stupidiocy odyssey, so I might as well just start this one here as well and not waste the months.
#2: When I was a kid, I had thousands of baseball cards. I would put them bitches in order by like ERA for pitchers and batting average for batters. For days. And as soon as I was done, for like an hour I’d bask in the glory of my success, and then I’d re-order them by year. Or I’d pick out ones that you could see the dude’s number and put them in number order and split them up randomly onto teams. Bask, repeat in some other different order. Constantly. This is some of the same, except I’m far too old enough to know better.
#3: I always like sports, but probably not what you like, and it fills my AM airwaves and brainwashes me into arguments over the minutiae, and oftentimes stat geeks don’t stat up the stupid shit I think of, so I figured I’d fill that void, for myself.
#4: Math is fundamental, and I still love math even though I don’t ever do it except practicing my rainman lite in my head from time to time. There used to be this dude named Sandor on Grace Street in Richmond who had a used book store (meaning he sold old porn mags) and he was autistic and would always be playing like big band music off the AM radio, and you’d carry like four or five magazines and he’d just say the prices out loud and figure up tax and tell you the total just like that. I remember years later, I read about someone robbing his store and shooting at him, and that bothered me. I don’t like weird autistic dudes who sold me porn getting shot at during armed robberies in my ideal world.
#5: I am a believer in numerology and that all things are fixed and even chaos has order, so when you scratch at numbers all the time, eventually you figure out things they didn’t expect you to figure out. And when I say “they”, I mean those who control everything, whether they be lizards or aliens or jews or whatever.
#6: I secretly want to be one of those dumbasses who write for ESPN page 2, and I figure this is a good gimmick.
#7: One day when I was skipping work, I sat around in the Northside Library reading Hey Rube by Hunter S. Thompson. HST is one of my all-time faves when it comes to retarded words, but man, his sports columns in that Hey Rube fucking sucked. I know it’s theorized he was suicided for getting too close to the truth about homo escorts and senators and bohemian grove and all, but I think he just realized his time was done and all his self-destructiveness hadn’t done the job, so he had to take it into his own hands, or accelerate things.
#8: I have drank more than a 35-year-old man should have drank by this point, not to mention all the LSD I used to take when I was selling it in college, so making good decisions is not always part of my repertoire.
#9: I don’t play video games nor watch TV really, so I need some form of mindless bullshit to suck away the days of my life so that I don’t think too hard about my lack of actual soul-satisfying moments that would cause me to question being a productive little fuckface wasting away my life.
#10: I was gonna say, “In honor of #14...” but then I couldn’t think of a numbered fourteen athlete who I unnecessarily idolized because of the way he played a game on my television set. But still, the thought is there.
#11: Thinking up 14 reasons to do this is real hard, especially when most of the lists will end up being some nonsense numerical thing I spent like five hours tabulating using the internet’s endless amount of useless knowledge, and it’s really fucking dorky when I think about it too hard. And sad. So even beyond like the first three reasons, there is no reason. But I’ve created this 14 gimmick, so I have to force myself to stick with it, even in the beginning. Which is also ridiculous, because I always stifle myself with these odd parameters that really don’t mean anything.
#12: This thing will ultimately explain itself, except it will get lost and mixed in with all the other nonsense. That, in itself, is funny to me, because someone will come because of beerbox haiku and find lists of some retarded basketball college nature, or they’ll come to read the unfinished EWA Hot 100 Jamz of All-Time list, and automatically get skeeved out by my obvious fruitiness.
#13: I do it for the kids, to hopefully steer them away from looking at the internet porn, to save it for me. I don’t like when I find a really hot girl to masturbate at if other people look at her, even though I know that’s the whole point of her being photographed naked. Still, it upsets me. What I have with her is special.
#14: Ha! I did it. Wait till you see how fucking stupid some of these lists are gonna be. I’m shooting for like 2 to 3 a week, but I’m sure that will wax on and wane off according to my real life dictations of stress and hatefulness, not to mention once it gets warm and me and the old lady start having sex out in the back yard under the apple trees again.
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