The first day of the tourney wasn't very maddening, and the only team I got amped for - Belmont - blew it in the end. Man, I hate some Duke. I have enjoyed having full access to every game on the satellite radio machine, but of course my credit card is over limit so I'm not sure if it'll get cut off in the next day or two or not. But, not to get too bloggy and shit, I've got some personal family bullshit going down right now, so I'm kind of in mopey ass dull mindstate anyways. The winds were strong as fuck today so my antenna's kind of off-kilter and my regular CBS stations, which both pick up well from Richmond and Charlottesville, is not doing too well with either right now. I'd go outside and move it but the kids are asleep and the antenna is beside their window and makes a rattling sound and it'll make them think something evil is going on. Plus, it's the first day of spring and a full moon outside, so something evil may be going on and I might get psychic-chomped by malevolent spirits, all trying to make the stupid games I don't care about come in a touch clearer. Anyways, here's the top 14 returning scorers in the NCAA tournament for today's games...
#1: Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina forward, 119 previous NCAA tournament points) - Tyler Hansbrough is my least favorite player alive in the basketballs right now. I hate him with two passions. It is a shame he doesn't play for Duke. I am not sure why I hate him, but the best I've been able to figure is he looks like the type of cocky little 7-year-old fuckface who thinks he's a ringer in youth soccer when I'm coaching my usual motley assortment of ragtag misfits, and I secretly as coach want a kid like that to get his leg broken for being so smug and destined for state police officer jobs, but since it's youth soccer, I don't say the score out loud and cheer my kids on and keep an eye on the orange slices so no one steps a dirty cleat in them.
#2: Roy Hibbert (Georgetown center, 118 previous points) - I really want to like Roy Hibbert's fuzzy-headed youthful charm, but he seems too timid for big-time basketball. When you think of classic Hoya big men, you think of Patrick Ewing and Dikembe Mutombo - giant ogres that would lick their fallen opponent's blood and laugh a christless laugh. Hibbert seems like he'd be a fun guy to play Scrabble with, not a deadly in-the-paint threat. Still, having a shooter's touch at seven feet tall will guarantee him basketball stardom, because I think centers don't really exist anymore.
#3: Chris Lofton (Tennessee guard, 101 previous points) - I have a friend with the exact same name (but spelled slightly differently), and he is the whitest man on earth. I get great joy in hearing the television say his name about wonderful athleticism, because it's funny. The guy I know is a white man's sport player - lacrosse in his younger days, hockey in his angry days, and golf now - so imagining him playing basketball at a competent level is the funny part.
#4: Chris Douglas-Roberts (Memphis guard, 86 previous points) - I've always wondered what name carries on when a dude with a hyphenated last name has children. Or what if two people with hyphenated last names get married and have a kid... does that kid have four hyphenated names? Shit, I just found out what my grandmother on my mom's side's maiden name was two days ago, and I already forgot it too.
#5: Jonathan Wallace (Georgetown guard, 75 previous points) - Georgetown could make noise, depending on how killer they get. Like if this batch of guys they have had like a quarter of Allen Iverson's thuggishness, they'd be tough to beat. That's one thing I noticed watching Duke yesterday is that they have all these highly intelligent safe characters, but they come across as weak in times like last year's elimination or this year's near first round elimination. I think basketball may be passing Coach Shitfuckski by.
#6: JaJuan Smith (Tennessee guard, 68 previous points) - There's like four Smiths on the Volunteers, but JaJuan has the best first name. I listen to enough bad Def Comedy Jam comedians on the Jamie Foxx channel on the satellite radio to know this is pronounced "Jay-hwan" (and somehow I'm white enough to try and spell it out linguistically).
#7: Antonio Anderson (Memphis guard, 68 previous points) - Isn't he the guy that was in Hustle and Flow that raped a chick in real life? I hope Three Six Mafia is corrupting and hooking up Memphis basketball players now like Luke used to do Miami football players when their program was top-notch.
#8: A.J. Abrams (Texas guard, 67 previous points) - Kevin Durant has come and gone, as well as that point guard dude too, and A.J. Abrams is finishing up his tour at Texas. Shit, I think he played with T.J. Ford (or P.J. Tucker or Cedric Benson or whoever the fuck it was). In a few months it will probably be Welcome to the Developmental League time for Mr. Abrams.
#9: Jessie Sapp (Georgetown guard, 65 previous points) - Hoyas all over this list for today.
#10: Tajuan Porter (Oregon guard, 65 previous points) - I don't know shit about Oregon players. Some assume this is part of a larger conspiracy called the West Coast Bias, but mostly it's because I fucking go to bed by the time he is on the TVs. I often wonder how hard it is for schools like Washington or Oregon to find enough good black people to play basketball. I may be wrong, but I'd assume, outside of J.R. Rider and Shawn Kemp's children, there aren't a ton of black folks in the Pacific Northwest. That's why the aryan nations always wanted those two states and Idaho as the white homeland.
#11: Shan Foster (Vanderbilt guard/forward, 54 previous points)
#12: Andre Allen (Memphis guard, 51 previous points) - Have I mentioned how I really hate John Calipari? Like, I don't really care much for Rick Pitino, and Calipari has basically been like a knock-off brand of Pitino, so I hate him even more. I always wished John Cheney had actually kicked his ass.
#13: Juan Palacios (Louisville forward, 49 previous points) - Rick Pitino always seems to have some awesome Puerto Rican dude on his teams. And they have to be Puerto Rican because I remember when that mongoloid Najera dude made the NBA and they were all like, "FIRST MEXICAN IN NBA!" Puerto Ricans are yankees to Mexicans' southernness. That's why I hate Puerto Ricans.
#14: Dajuan Summers (Georgetown forward, 49 previous points) - Again, it's "day-hwan". And white people be walking funny.
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