(an actual throstle on a hawthorn branch)
[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]
We are in the thick of corporate chaos of transfer
season and squads just starting to come together as friendly exhibition full
group, with impending changes and shape shifting still to come in next few
weeks before competitive non-friendly matches kick off in a few weeks. Early
Champions League (Euro-centrically speaking) already going on in smaller
locales (and Celtic).
West Bromwich Albion (or West Brom, as anybody
actually bothering to read this knows them as) I didn’t know much about, club
or namesake city. They are just another middle-of-the-pack EPL club that didn’t
inspire love or hatred in me. But I got lost in a quick internet rabbithole and
came out the other side more in love with the team. First off, the city West
Bromwich (or the Bromwich part) is old language version of “Broom Village”, so
they’re west of Broom Village. That’s a solid start. But also in the list of
notable people from there are included Robert Plant, Phil Lynott, and K.K.
Downing, thus essentially you could lay the claim (as a stretch) that West Brom
the city helped give us Led Zeppelin, Thin Lizzy, and Judas Priest. That’s a
solid Acid at Stonehenge fest right there.
But onto the club itself, I’ve always enjoyed the
fact their stadium was called The Hawthorns, because hawthorns are pretty chill
border plants, because they grow like crazy, become an insane tangle of thorny
not getting throughness, and are just a great fucked up shrub plant generally.
The Hawthorns is called The Hawthorns because after West Brom Albion had
bounced through half a dozen other stadiums like fucking nomads, they decided
to build a place just outside West Brom and settle down, so a field full of
hawthorns was cleared to build their stadium. I guess it should be of note that
West Brom was one of the original founding clubs of The Football League, all
the way back in 1888 (when America was still reconstructing itself after our
Civil War), and actually were English champions (1920). Despite most of their
existence being in the top tier, since the Premier League hyper-corporatized
English football, they’ve not been a top tier mainstay, but they’ve been there
since 2010 in this current stint. (Also please note that despite The Hawthorns
being their first long-term home after a lot of bouncing around, The Hawthorns
first hosted matches 117 years ago, so it’s not exactly a CORPORATE MODERN
FOOTBALL spot, though obviously it has been upgraded and had the terraces replaced
with family *cough *cough *Euro friendly seats and shit like that.)
But the real rabbithole of joy for me was their
most famous badge, which features a little song thrush on a hawthorn branch.
Aforementioned hawthorn appreciation aside, the song thrush (or throstle, with
the high-larious Latin name of Turdus philomelos) – a famous little singing ass
bird, known because they have pretty strong melodies which also repeat,
pounding that in your head, thus they were earworms of sound for old school poets.
(Sadly, we have no Turdus philomelos here in North America.) And the club tends
to rock stripes, in sometimes unexplainable weird away colors at times (always
YES from me to garish green and yellow striped strips, always). So after all
was said and done, after a brief internet immersion in West Brom, who
previously were just another anonymous middling club for me, I now have an
affection for them just a little. Plus the city sounds like another classic
English shithole which used to have iron works and booming industrialism but
now is who knows what, much like Birmingham – a nearby rival city where club
rivals exist. But most people have heard of Birmingham, and not West Brom, at
least culturally (outside of football) speaking, so the only thing that makes a
dying industrial place even better (worst) is it NOT being as famous as another
nearby dying industrial place. This is why Flint, Michigan, is always more
depressing than Detroit, no matter how sad Detroit gets.
Anyways, consider this your introduction, and now
let me get onto the 25 men who occupy this club’s metaphysical list of most
dominant presences in their past 100 matches, in terms of being on the
goddamned pitch…
#1: Craig
Dawson – Dawson kind of a weird roundabout guy to be at the top of a club’s
metaphysical list, because he was not a big youth player, and in fact played on
a local team while having a regular ass life before becoming a pro. Eventually,
after lower league climb from Radcliffe Borough to Rochdale, he got signed to
West Brom in 2010. But even since then he’s had long loan spells at both
Rochdale and Bolton Wanderers. And also somewhat oddly, he rocks #25, when
usually somebody who has gained seniority and regular spot on the starting XI
will have moved into traditional 1 through 10, or not far off it in the teens.
But he’s solidified himself as constant figure enough to get a new contract on
the horizon, and also he was the most recent player to score a goal and an own
goal in the same match in the Premier League.
#2: Darren
Fletcher – Actual Scot, and aging legend who spent a dozen seasons with
Manchester United under Sir Alex Ferguson (who loves him). He spent three
seasons starring in the midfield for the Baggies before making a move to Stoke
last month. You can tell what a huge presence he had on West Brom in his short
time there though (aside from wearing captain’s armband in Chris Brunt’s
off-and-on absence) because most every article about West Brom going into this
new season talks about how the Baggies will fill the gap created by Fletcher’s
departure.
#3: Gareth
McAuley – West Brom got a good bit of a Northern Irish thing going on, and
McAuley cut his teeth on the Protestant-y as fuck club Linfield (who just had
heated – at lower level – tilt with very anti-Protestant Celtic in Champions
League qualifiers this week). McAuley been holding down middle of defensive
line since before 2011-12 season, and has over 70 caps for the Northern Irish
national team as well.
#4: Ben
Foster – The Baggies’ longtime GK is a lifelong West Midlands fucker, who
was born in some sort of village with magical water called Leamington Spa, and
came up as a youth and early semi-pro with Racing Club Warwick in the Midland
Leagues. A Stoke City scout signed him in 2001, which mostly led to loan spells
in strange places like Tiverton Town and Wrexham, and Foster actually was
signed by Manchester United from 2005-2010, only appearing a dozen times for
them, but spending over two full seasons on loan to Watford. But this decade,
he’s returned to the Midlands, first to Birmingham City, before a loan to West
Brom in 2011-12, and then signing full transfer after that, and never looking
back. Foster is 34, which is prime GK time, but his GK coach at West Brom just
recently hyped him up as saying he’d be their guy into his 40s, and one of
their all-time greats by the end of that run. It must be that Leamington town
water.
#5: Salomon
Rondon – Rondon’s a Venezuelan, thus been embroiled in the chaos that is
that country’s recent history, which had the bulk of the national team
threatening to quit two years ago because of interference by corrupt officials
in Venezuela. Came to West Brom from Russia, where he lit it up five years in a
row, first for Rubin Kazan, then Zenit St. Petersburg, averaging over 10 goals
a season while there. He’s knocked in 18
in two seasons with the Baggies, and that’s been enough that recently West
Ham’s been sniffing at him for a transfer, but West Brom manager Tony Pulis
(who looks slightly like a smiling wrinkly penis) says he ain’t going anywhere.
He’s issued the ol’ hands off warning like all good Football Managers do.
#6: Jonny
Evans – Evans is another Northern Irish dude on their club, though he long
ago left that connection behind, as he attended a Manchester United academy in
Belfast, and impressed, but a kid couldn’t go to a youth academy more than 90
minutes distance from the club, so Evans family actually relocated to
Manchester so that he could join their youth academy. (I’m sure there was
nothing questionable about that move, and it was purely on the up-and-up, just
like college basketball recruiting in America.) Actually had nearly 200
appearances for ManU before moving to West Brom two seasons ago, which would
make you think he’s old as fuck, but no, not even 30 yet. So a Belfast kid with
deep ManU roots? My love of hawthorn bushes and song thrushes is lessening
already…
#7: Claudio
Yacob – Every middling EPL club needs an Argentine. For West Brom, it’s
Yacob, their defensive midfield rock of the past five seasons.
#8: Chris
Brunt – Team captain, and another Northern Irishman, who’s been with the
Baggies for over a decade now. He has been somewhat injury prone the past
couple seasons though, and once famously got all pissy after getting hit in the
head with a coin during an FA Cup tie against Reading.
#9: James
McClean – So James McClean is an actual Irishman on an English club full of
Northern Irishmen. That alone would not be necessarily controversial, if he
assimilated in, but McClean actually grew up in the Creggan housing estates in
Derry, Northern Ireland, where a lot of the sectarian problems called The
Troubles occurred, including the infamous Bloody Sunday massacre (as
memorialized by those U2 robots). McClean actually played for the Northern
Ireland Under-21 team, but as he was about to be called up to the senior squad
back in 2011, he dragged his feet, and held out to play for Republic of Ireland
instead. On top of all this, McClean is somewhat hated in many English football
circles because he’s one of the few who have always refused to wear the poppy
patches, worn on Remembrance Day. In addition to all this, likely due to
growing up in a shitty housing estate, he’s given a lot of charitable support
to the homeless and alcoholics in Derry, and even bought a pregnant homeless
woman a mobile home a few years back. In a league full of blanched
personalities, McClean seems to have a conscience. And somehow he got stuffed
onto a team full of guys who technically are from the some country as him
(Northern Ireland) though his allegiances very clearly lie across the border
(Republic of Ireland). God bless this fucker. (Catholic God, obviously.)
#10: Allan
Nyom – (previously ranked #13 for
Watford, 01 June 2017) Another thing every middling EPL team needs is a
black guy from France. That’s where Allan Nyom comes in. He came over from
Watford before last season, making 33 appearances in all competitions.
#11: James
Morrison – Morrison been with West Brom for a decade now too, and comes
into this season with a fucked up knee.
#12: Matt Phillips
– Along with Morrison, another dude who was born and raised in England, but
plays for Scotland national team. West Brom full of national identity crisis
players it seems (or more likely, guys who weren’t gonna crack the English
senior team). I really should explore English (or British) political
clusterfuck more, but that would require getting out of England alone, and then
one has to wonder do I expand this stupid theme of a 25-man Metaphysical list
to include Celtic? And if I do that, do I expand into the top teams (who are
also relatively shitty) from Wales or Northern Ireland too? I don’t know man,
allowing myself to get suckered into following English Premier League but
pretending I’m somehow edgy or partial anti-English by supporting the Welsh team
feels like a psychological trick I played on myself. Sports is fucking stupid.
#13: Nacer Chadli
– Chadli currently is West Brom’s highest paid player, having come over from
Spurs before last season, clocking £75K a week (which
is small potatoes for Big Four club, which I guess is now Six, and maybe Seven
after this summer), but allegedly had a spat with manager Tony Pulis when
workouts began again, and was left at home (well, West Brom) when they went to
Austria last week. However, everything appears to be okay now, and he was back
with the squad as they headed to Hong Kong for the Premier League Asia
tournament. It must be hard on these dudes when their training camp before the
official season starts is a WORLDWIDE EXPANSION OF THE EPL BRAND. Not exactly
easing into the season. Side note: Chadli was record signing for West Brom last
year, at £13 mil, which is less than Swansea’s record signing, so that means
the team I support is not the cheapest ass club in the EPL. Of course, our
record signing was Borja Baston, who is already gone, after one season, and
already talking to Spanish press about what a clusterfuck his time at Swansea
was.
#14: Jonas
Olsson – Swede who had been top defender for the club in the late
aughts/early 2010s, but had slipped into secondary role this past season, with
no look at more playing time on the horizon. At age 34, he made the move back
to native Sweden to sign for Djurgardens IF, who splashed out on a couple of
other top Swedish nationals. But Olsson served the Baggies for nine seasons,
with over 250 appearances in that time.
#15: Craig
Gardner – Gardner free transferred from Sunderland to West Brom three
seasons back, and featured prominently in the midfield for the first two, but
last year became expendable and was sent on loan to Birmingham City, where he
helped the nearby West Midlands club avoid relegation down to League One. He
was justly rewarded with a permanent transfer, which of course is never
permanent.
#16: Jake
Livermore – (previously ranked #4 for
Hull City, 01 March 2017) Livermore came to West Brom from the sinking ship
of Hull City this past January, where he had previously played for about a
thousand years.
#17: Saido
Berahino – (previously ranked #23 for
Stoke City, 01 July 2017) Wrote about Berahino earlier this month, because
he moved to Stoke this past January. But before that, the young man had spent
his entire youth and professional career with West Brom, despite being of
Burundian birth. His time at West Brom ended on troubled notes, with drug
suspensions and depression and weight gain and all sorts of trifling bullshit.
The kid (he’s still only 23) left his native Burundi after his father was
killed in the Civil War there, and traveled to England alone, to find the rest
of his family. Obviously there’s some psychic scars there, but he’s a striker,
so hopefully he can find a new psychic home to settle into somewhere (probably
won’t be Stoke to be honest) and find some footballing peace. Or flame out in
glorious fashion.
#18: Stephane
Sessegnon – Former Baggie who left for Montpellier in France’s Ligue One
before last season. He spent three seasons with West Brom, but being from
Benin, a French-speaking nation (due to colonialism, naturally), his most
settled years have been in France. Played youth football in Benin for a team
called The Sharks of the Atlantic. Fuck yeah.
#19: Boaz
Myhill – Nowhere are there more confusing cultural identities than the
world’s football. Boaz, who is not named Boaz at all, is a Welsh player who
grew up in England, but was born in the U.S.A. His folks wanted to name him
Boaz after encountering the name in Israel, but were talked out of it by other
family. However, he’s been called Boaz his entire life. Previously spent seven
seasons at Hull City, helping them move from Division Three (League Two) to
League One to Football Championship, and finally the Premier League, before
moving to West Brom before 2010-11 season, though he has rarely been their
go-to GK that entire time, and last year only appeared in Cup tie “let the main
guy rest” duties.
#20: Hal
Robson-Kanu – Another Welshman, and one of Wales top strikers, which
doesn’t mean much once get beyond Gareth Bale, so he’s like the 89th top
striker in the EPL, which is why he only wears #4.
#21: James
Chester – Another classic story of Manchester United youth academy
prospect, who was contracted to the club as pro for four years, making a single
solitary appearance (in a League Cup match). He actually only spent one season
two years ago at West Brom, as primary fill-in at center back, with over two
dozen appearances, but dropped back to Football Championship side Aston Villa
last season as part of their relegation retool. Also a Welshman.
#22: Rickie
Lambert – White English striker who never lived up to this Liverpool youth academy
potential, outside of a five-season run with Southampton up from League One to
Premier League, and now is condemned to Cardiff City hell for his sins against
football goodness.
#23: Sam
Field – 19-year-old midfielder who was promoted from their youth academy to
the main club for a single appearance, before signing a professional contract
before last season, when he made 9 appearances. He’s from Grimsby, which
contrary to town name, had no real influence on the New Wave of British Heavy
Metal. That last sentence makes me realize I’ve never once in my life
considered the football allegiances of members of Hawkwind before. And with
Hawkwind mentioned, let this be your friendly reminder to not google what
Stacia looks like now or really at any point after her “dance naked while on
acid” life phase. Props to the young Sam Field for leading my dimwitted brain
to Stacia writhing around in 1971. I’m going outside to masturbate in the
hawthorns now.
#24: Brendon
Galloway – West Brom has not really had a great variety of players over
their recent history, which is why Galloway, who only appeared five matches
during a loan spell from Everton to West Brom last season, can still make this
last at #24. Will be spending this year on loan to newly-relegated Sunderland,
which I guess means Everton (who he is contracted to) have not officially given
up on him just yet.
#25: Victor Anichebe – Nigerian striker who famously made the Everton reserve team at 15, and his senior team debut at 17. Had a good enough run with Everton, but never really became dominant, so did the EPL slow downgrade from Everton to West Brom for three seasons, and then down even further to Sunderland last season, where he helped them be the worst team in the Premier League. Took his talents to Beijing Enterprises a couple weeks back, getting that Chinese League money, except Beijing Enterprises is not in the Chinese Super League but League One a level below.
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