RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Tuesday, September 26

CM NET CLASSICS: Ipecac For The Soul

[Mike DIKK is the only person I know of who still has an interest in doing zines like I do. He is also the only person I'd allow to write for my stupid zine who I've not actually met in real life. This was a zine he did I think, but a long-ass piece that was really enjoyable, and my disgruntled coke-addled asshole friend loved it, and he's usually, even through his disgruntled coke-addled assholery, a good judge of shit that's good or not.]
Ipecac For The Soul
Sometimes, I think I’m too hard on people for sucking, but last night showed me, that sometimes, I’m not hard enough.
If you're going to fucking write, and there's a chance of me reading, it better not be about what boring bullshit you and your friends did. Talk about SOMETHING that evokes some sort of emotion. I don't need to see your fucking grocery list or hear about how you saw a hot guy working at the mall. No one does. Your best friends don't. Your best friends fucking hate you.
On the other side, maybe it helps you to write about things. That's why some people give me TOO much information about how their dad beats them. I just don't know about those people. They just crave some sort of attention. You people probably didn't play little league when you were younger. You need some friends. Some real ones to cry to.
I love giving people inferiority complexes. Not everyone. I love my friends. I wouldn't ever do that to them. Just my enemies. It just so happens my enemies are much deeper in numbers than my friends are. I'd kill for my friends. I'd kill my friends’ enemies. My friends would kill you for me.
I had a job at Blockbuster once, I quit an hour before I was supposed to be there. Really, how many assholes would I have had to deal with if I worked at Blockbuster? Just about the same amount of assholes if I had worked at a major chain record store.
Last night I saw the EVE and Gwen Stefani video. If I worked at a record store and some guy came in and asked me about that song I'd punch him in his fucking face until I broke my fucking hand. It would just be like an instinct.
It's amazing how much shit they pass off as good music these days. You people eat it up too.
I kind of relate the same type of people who listen to that TRL bullshit with the same type of people who have boring ass zines. It's like you're born and raised and bred to suck. I guess it's not really your fault. You just fall into this pattern of crap and I guess once you get so deep into it, you can't get out. I wouldn't be surprised to run into someone that said:
"Hi, my name is Tina. My favorite movie is Titanic and my favorite song is "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit. Oh, I also do a zine."
Once you get sucked into the suck there's no way to stop sucking.
It's very close-minded of me to think everyone who listens to Limp Bizkit is the biggest fucking asshole on the planet, but fuck you, it's the truth. You show me one cool Limp Bizkit fan and I'll show you my 23" dick.
I watched TRL for 10 minutes or so last night.
It made me feel like falling face first onto a running chainsaw, sitting atop of a huge ten ton pile of salt, with a pool full of pirhanas waiting for me when I fall off the pile of salt and the chainsaw.
I don't know how to swim either.
I don't know if anyone else gets these feelings over something like watching television.
Later on that night I saw an ad for this program that combines Don LePrey with the Girls Gone Wild videos. It was this thing to show you how to pick up chicks while they show their titties.
In fifty years things like this will be in high school history textbooks under: Why the US was forced into becoming a communist nation.
You laugh now.
Sometimes I do bad things. I don't know why. I just do them because, shit, I don't have anything else to do.
I saw this fat lady walk by and stop and look at all the hair products. I'm sorry, but if I was as fat as this lady, priority number one would be LOSE WEIGHT. Priority number two would be GET A BETTER WARDROBE. (she was wearing very unflattering khaki pants, and some ugly sweater type thing.). My fifth or sixth priority would be HAIR.
Basically I was saying how I hate my town more than ever now. I'm getting the fuck out of here soon, whether it be by Greyhound or body bag. I'm fucking gone.
I hate people who advertise their vegetarianism. I don't mean like animal rights people. I mean people who INSIST on eating at stupid hip vegetarian places just because they're vegetarian and they have to make everyone else suffer by making them go to these shitty places and eat overpriced imitation meat.
If you liked the taste of meat THAT much that you eat imitation meat, well maybe you should think about your eating habits.
Vegetarianism is nothing to be proud of. Veganism isn't either. It's nothing you need to advertise by telling me how good the fucking tofu is at some dump near your house. No one is impressed by not eating meat. Most people consider you a pussy for not eating meat. Pussy.
I may or may not be vegetarian. If I were vegetarian I wouldn't drag people to crappy restaurants just so I could feel cool. I would let them choose and work my eating choices around it. Even McDonalds has vegetarian options. Not that I would eat there. Whether I do eat meat or not, McDonald's is just disgusting no matter if you eat flesh or not. Besides, I doubt their hamburgers actually contain any meat anyhow.
Do yourself a favor. If you're just not eating meat because you think it's cool to eat tofu and Boca burgers. Please stop. Boca Burgers are not as good as a Cheeseburger. They never ever ever will be either. Tofu is no barbecued chicken.
Order the salad and shut the fuck up. You pussy.
I fucking hate people. They make me fear leaving my house. It's not that I'm afraid. I just know by leaving, I'm subjecting myself to dealing with people's bullshit. Everyone seems to have a bigger chip on their shoulder than I do. It's like they act like the world owes them something. It's not my fault people are ugly, stupid, and fat, amongst other things. God did it. Don't blame me.
So many people are intimidated by my intelligence. I'm not trying to be conceited. It's the truth. I usually try and play it off, so they don't feel threatened at first, but people will HATE you just for the fact that you can insult them 35,000 different ways at the drop of a dime.
I'm not book smart at all, but I'm definitely quick witted. On top of having an excellent memory. Add that all up with my attitude towards life, and it just isn't pretty.
I'm just as quick to insult you as I am to hit you in the fucking face with a box full of nails. I have no respect for you. If you're not my friend, I don't care for you. You show me a reason to care, and I'll extend my hand. Until then, fuck you.
I just saw the Behind The Music on Styx. Those guys are the biggest bunch of pussies EVER.
Their singer quit because he was "light sensitive"
Styx has been a band for something like 38 years. They tried to be all bad ass on the special, but COME ON. Those guys are just horrible. I can't believe they wasted time by making a Behind The Music on them. I can't believe I wasted my time watching it.
Which brings me to my next point. REM is the new Styx.
REM are pussies and they've been around forever. They're bound to be making pussy music for at least 25 more years. Soon Styx will play with REM and the devil himself will rise up from Hell and it will rain hellfire and brimstone upon us all. We'll all die. Just because Styx and REM are a bunch of pussies. Then Ray Parker Jr. will be the opener for the Styx/REM 'Hell on Earth' tour.
I ain't afraid of no fucking ghost.
Styx and REM: Making the world an unsafe place for all of us who don't want to be subjected to pussy music.
On June 6th, 2006, I'm buying an ounce of pcp and putting a mix tape of Slayer and Neglect in my walkman and killing everyone on my hate list in the name of Satan. Join me.
I hate those kids that drive around in rally cars. You know, like modified Japanese model hatchbacks with stickers and shit on them. After the video game, Gran Turismo came out, this shit has gotten waaaaay out of hand. Every kid on earth wants some sort of Civic or whatever and make it look like some car from a video game with neon colors and shit. It's cool when you see like 3 a day but when you see 300 it's getting stupid. You're not a fucking racecar driver. You're not going to be famous from it. You're just going to be some dumbass driving around a small town racing some more dumbasses for like $50, meanwhile, you spent $65,000 of your parents money on making the cars top speed go to 120mph instead of the usual 100mph. If this isn’t right, fuck you. The rest of the money gets put towards your pretty little stickers and pussy paintjobs. Your car looks like it belongs in a fucking nail salon, not on a street. Now, I truly believe guys have a sexual obsession with cars. That's fucking gross. You people like to fuck your car. I'm done.
Do you have a cell phone? Well you're an asshole then. There's not much that is more annoying than some dumb shit talking on his cell phone while driving and not paying any fucking attention at all to anything else. I know you're not important enough to have to talk on the phone while you're in your car. You're just some piece of shit nobody. I see assholes all day driving around in like ‘83 Buicks on a god damned cell phone. NO ONE IN AN ‘83 BUICK IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO HAVE A CELL PHONE. I can't wait until they detect cell phone cancer. It's coming someday and all you motherfuckers know it. Your ears are going to fall off. Then We'll put all of you on a fucking island to hide you from the rest of civilization you one eared fucks. Hopefully it will be Monster Island and Ghidarah will fucking eat you. Probably not though, because you have cell phone cancer.
Which brings me to my next topic:
Rectal thermometers. That was a real bright idea. There's people that just make things suck on purpose. You KNOW the guy who invented the rectal thermometer knew you would get the same results if you stuck the fucking thing in your mouth or under your armpit, but he probably had a miserable life and wanted people to suffer by getting glass rods stuck up their ass and held there for silly amounts of time. How embarrassing is that?
I hope they make a reality TV show where the premise is tricking someone into using a rectal thermometer and then catching it on tape. Not just anyone though, but famous people like Keanu Reeves and some other dumb Hollywood bitches that I hate. I'd watch that show every day.
For the record, I've never had a thermometer in my ass, nor any other weird objects, including body parts.
Today I was thinking about some dumb shit. Did you ever think about how people have jobs where their sole purpose is to figure out ways to constantly improve something that really doesn't need much improving? Take toilet paper for example. There's some guy out there who's like: "Hi, my name is Robert I work for Charmin In the toilet Paper Improvement department."
This guy sits there all day analyzing toilet paper. 8 hours a day. 40 hours a week. Sitting at a little desk or counter or lab table or something, maybe he's even wearing a white lab coat, looking at toilet paper fabric under a microscope. Studying the texture. Looking at a rivals toilet paper to see what they're up to.
Then like every 6 months or so he discovers how to make the toilet paper 1/175th softer than it already was. So he has to call up the advertising department so they can work on a package. Then the cycle begins again.
You know around ten or so years ago, there was never improvement on anything as simple as toilet paper. Even tooth brushes for chrissake. You either had a regular old toothbrush or a toothbrush with a neck. Now there's about a 15-foot long section in any given supermarket just dedicated to different shapes and styles of toothbrush.
I don't really have a point here though. I'm not sure if all this is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, you have more variety, but on the other, I know there's some guy in a room somewhere studying toilet paper. I don't even know how one would get such a job. I do know that job probably didn't exist in 1990. If it did, there were probably a lot fewer toilet paper researchers.
Hello, my name is Robert, when I grow up I want to find out a way to make it even more comfortable for you when you wipe your ass. I'm a dreamer.
Only in America.
Why do fat people buy things like AB-Doers and BODY-FLEXes??
Now I can see if you lived in somewhere where it would just be too hazardous to go outside, like i don't know, Beirut. You live in America though. The fat capital of the world. You can go outside and jog or maybe not eat sticks of butter. You can't walk more than a mile without hitting up a gym somewhere. You know, the place where they hold ACTUAL exercise equipment and not things bought off of infomercials.
You see "fat" isn't really an adjective, it's more of an attitude. Fat people get into this mindset that every answer to becoming unfat is easy. They see these dumb commercials and they think it's an easy way out of their chunky cell. Yet, they still go to McDonalds Drive-Thrus. It's bad enough they go to McDonalds but at least go up inside. I mean, you can burn off a good 3 calories of your 1000 calorie Big Mac by moving your hooves.
Fucking fat people. If I were really fat, I would move to Ethiopia where they would look at me as a king. Or they might look at me as dinner. Who knows.
I don't like how nowadays these little fucking snot-nosed brat punk and hardcore kids have a store where they can go and buy their "rebellious" clothes. So now I see them at shows and they look all clean. When i was a little snot nosed rebel at the age of 16 I didn't have a fucking store that i could walk into to buy big dumb baggy pants and cool T-shirts with cartoon logos on them. Everyone at shows back then just looked really dirty because most of their clothes were from Good Will and our pants were cut at the bottoms because they didn't make stupid baggy "skater" pants yet.
We also didn't have to pay $450 for an outfit.
If you want to go to Hot Topic and buy those stupid pants and $20 T-shirts you better be hauling your ass over to a rave. I don't want to see it in my scene. I may be far detached from "my scene" but I'm older than you and I can tell you how it is. I don't want to see your clean ass at the shows I go to. I also don't want to hear about you starting another band that sounds like Hatebreed because you were 8 when Hatebreed came out, and they aren't even that old.
I know everyone always preaches about Unity and that dumb shit and how it's good that young kids are getting into the scene, but you know what, it's not. They aren't learning anything. No one cares about messages anymore. Those days have gone by. New Hardcore is just as empty as New Metal.
Man, I’m fucking pumped right now, I’m about to go put on Chokehold and do jump kicks off my couch.
In closing, don’t go to shows I'm at if you're wearing anything bought at Hot Topic. I know people say Hardcore is a big fashion show these days, and they're right. So call me Mr. Blackwell. I'm starting a dress code. You either dress "normal" or you better be crusty. If not, you're going to feel the MOSH! Hahaha, ok, I’m kidding about that last part, but for real. Stop being a little dumb dork and put on some normal clothes. Asshole.
I'm always thinking of dumb shit.
Today I was thinking about how the other day this girl came into my work. She was one of those people that come into your jobs and try and sell you cologne. I'm sure some of you know who I'm talking about. It's not real cologne, just imitation stuff that smells like real cologne.
She wasn't ugly. She was actually quite attractive. Which is weird. I don't know if you people know how one gets a job selling fake cologne, but it's just like getting any normal job. You see an ad in the paper, usually cleverly disguised as something that sounds cool, you go apply and you get the job. It's almost impossible not to get the job. The only thing is, it's such a horrible job that you really have to be at the end of your rope to take it and keep it. I mean, you have to be pretty low. Almost to the point of killing yourself to take that job and keep it. You usually don't get paid by the hour and you only make so much money off of each bottle of cologne you sell. So you can work 8 hours a day and possibly make only $20.
Now I was just wondering what the fuck happened to that girl to make her take that job. Like I said, it's normally a bunch of ugly people doing the job and you can just tell they're at the end of their rope. You can look at them and tell they have given up on life and chosen the path of a demon. I'm really over dramatizing this whole thing, but hey.
Somewhere down the line, this girl fucked up. Maybe she really didn't and I'm just thinking way too much, but I don't think so. She's most likely some runaway or some other odd crazy shit. Some of those people actually travel state-to-state selling that shit. Who knows?
Yeah so, I'm always thinking about some dumb shit.
I saw this thing on television the other night where dumb fucks freeze their dead dogs so they can go talk to them later on. I can think of way more entertaining things to spend your money on. Or even maybe less morbid things. I'm not too fond of staring at dead things. Talking to dead things is out of the question. I can't go up to a casket at a funeral. I can't even look that direction.
I don't see dead people.
When I die, I'm hoping someone will have sense enough to cremate me. I don't want any fuckers staring at my dead ass in a wooden box.
So me and my zine partner Jay Pud, wrote some e-mails to Steve Guttenberg asking him for an interview for the ol' zine. I got some sort of "return to Sender" e-mail back. So fuck you Steve Guttenberg. You're not even a real movie star and you can't answer a few questions. That’s like me going down the street and asking the lady who runs the Chinese restaurant to answer questions and she says she’s too busy. Who the fuck do you think you are Steve Guttenberg? You're not even as popular as Bobcat Goldthwait. Just because you were in a movie with Tom Selleck doesn't mean you're famous.
I also wrote to the Dad from My Two Dads. The one who isn't Paul Reiser, he hasn't gotten back to me yet.
I have no doubt in my mind that Steve Guttenberg and Other Dad From My Two Dads are sitting at home right now watching television eating Cheetos and they pretend to be too busy to answer some questions that may spark an interest in them because we won't pay them.
I'd pay them like $20 and that's overpaying to me. For real, who's going to see my zine and want to buy it solely on a Steve Guttenberg interview? Not that I sell my zine, but still. NO ONE will want to buy it because of Steve Guttenberg and I'm pretty sure his interview wouldn't even be the best thing in any given issue.
All of my friends and I have experienced the joys of Greyhound. My biggest fears being someone sitting next to me that smells or really just someone sitting near me and sparking up a conversation. You see I don't like when strangers talk to me. Especially guy strangers because they tend to bullshit a lot. Not bullshit about the weather, but tell me blatant lies like how they're hiding out from the law or whatever.
At least I think that's what they're saying. I never actually pay attention. I have my headphones on.
One time I had my headphones on, on the way to Mount Laurel, New Jersey and some lady sat next to me. She was very old. Well like 60 or so. She was talking to me for a good five minutes while i had my headphones on. So finally I took them off and I'm like "what?" and she's like "do you want a piece of chocolate?" and of course I say no. If someone on the bus offered me money, weed and liquor, I'd say no. It's a bus person. Everyone on the bus has some sort of fucked up reason why they're on the bus. Sometimes I'm excluded from this rule. Sometimes I'm not.
Anyhow, I decline the chocolate, then she proceeds to pull out and ALREADY OPENED Hershey bar from her POCKETBOOK. Then asks again if I'm sure I don't want a piece and I just put my headphones back on. She got off the bus for some reason. I think it was a smoke break. Although I smoke, I usually don't get off the bus for fear of someone taking my seat, looking through my bag or god forbid talking to me. I noticed she left her jacket on the bus and I was contemplating stealing her money, but i know there's no honor amongst thieves and some asshole would rat me out. See, this is why I don't leave the bus with my bag on it. Fuck that shit. I'd get back on and someone would be wearing my shirt and reading my magazines.
Almost everyday I wake up and something fucked up happens. Something that doesn't go on in normal life. I'm not exactly sure what normal life is, but if TV is any gage of what normal life is supposed to be, then I'm way off.
I've also noticed that I tend to surround myself with people that will definitely increase the chances of something fucked up happening. I'm subconsciously drawn to people that were programmed to crash and burn. I don't know what it is.
Why don't people say Information Super Highway anymore? What happened to that? That term was pretty annoying, but everyone just stopped using it at once. Did Madonna have an interview I missed that said saying 'Information Super Highway' wasn't cool anymore???
Speaking of Madonna, I hate people who only wear shit just because it's "in". If you're one of these people I sincerely hope a swordfish gets lodged up your asshole then a shark comes and tries to eat the swordfish so he rips your body apart and then you fucking die. Then I want to piss on what's left of you. THAT'S how much I hate people like that.
Some guy came into my work today. He had some really bad tattoos. Like tattoos they make into temporary tattoos that you get out of quarter machine. He had a cobra on his forearm, a side view of a skull on his upper arm and on the other upper arm he had an eagle. I know what he had on his upper arm because he was wearing a sleeveless METS shirt that was definitely not new. Fuck new, it wasn't even from the 90's. That's not a bad thing if it's a cool shirt, but it's a sleeveless Mets shirt. To top it all off, his beer gut hung a good 8 inches past his waistline.
Then people ask me why I hate everyone and I hate life. I see people like this on a daily basis. It just bothers me how shitty some people look. Just like giving up on all hopes of keeping themselves in somewhat decent shape. Or maybe somewhat attractive. It's the way of white trash I suppose. Someone out there finds a fat man with bad tattoos and a huge beer gut hidden inside a sleeveless Mets shirt from when Mookie Wilson played left field, attractive.
Sometimes I just go into super shitty people overload and I see all these assholes in one place at one time and it's kind of refreshing to know that I’m better off than like 60% of the population, just by looks alone. That's fucking sad, because I'm somewhat good looking, but I'm not THAT good looking. Then there's the whole brains thing, which makes me smarter than at least 80% of the American population. For real, I've taken tests in high school that told me so. Chances are I'm smarter than you. I bet that scares a lot of people.
You’re all dumb fucking idiots.
I hate you all. Not all of you, but a good portion of you. Everyday I'm forced to stare at ugly people and listen to other ugly people bitch and moan and complain about the most fucking trivial things because their lives are so worthless. Waiting in line to play lotto, or complaining at a Burger King because their food is taking longer than the usual 45 seconds to be prepared. It's like everyone is in a race to give up on life first. Gradually getting into a cycle of doing the same boring shit everyday until they're just some robot who works complains and sleeps every fucking day of their miserable lives not even caring that all they do is take up air and make me nauseous by just looking at how hideous they are. Once again, I hate you all.
I hate hardcore kids and punk rock kids who think it's not punk rock to watch football just because they had a shitty childhood that didn't involve organized sports. Then they'll say they were too poor for organized sports growing up which is bullshit, because I was FUCKING poor and my mom still could spare some money to send my ass to little league so I didn't grow up to be some dumb fucking goth kid who hates everything because they couldn't do well in little league or kick a fucking ball in kickball.
Now I suck at sports and I'm only good at sports if they're on a video game. Then I fucking rule it.
I utilized the word, "fucking" four times
Anyhow, watch football, and if you have a kid make sure to enroll them in a sport so they don't grow up fucked up. Even if they're a little skinny kid and they end up being like that nerd on the Bad News Bears who never played but he kept score. Ogilvie or whatever. That kid still avoided growing up fucked up.
Last night I watched this thing about these fucked up karate disciplines on the Discovery channel. The first discipline was this thing called "juko-kai" and when it first came on i thought it was wack because all their strikes were really pussy strikes and everyone doing it looked like they played bowling or maybe went to bars and watched monday night football. Really trashy people. Even the 'master'. Then, they showed what Juko-Kai is all about. It's about not feeling pain. These motherfuckers are getting chopped in the throat full force and not even flinching. Then kicked in the stomach. Then getting struck by multiple people while blindfolded so they don't know where or when it's coming. It was just scary that these white trash dudes and girls knew this stuff. It makes me never want to fuck with anyone from the Midwest. Then they showed the sacred pussy art of Ninjitsu.
It's funny thinking about people practicing "ninjitsu" in the 21st century. I mean, REALLY think about that. When are you going to need to know how to use specific weapons and Japanese rice to take down a foe? While doing this in a black Halloween costume. Geesh. Ninjitsu was cool when I was like 9, but now it's just pointless. There was no need for Ninjitsu after the advent of guns. Or pretty much anytime after like the mid-1900's. No one hires ninja spies to assassinate people anymore. That's what the El Salvador Death Squad is for.
The Ninjitsu master was one of the last living true ninja in the universe. I bet he's lonely. No doubt he could kick my ass and all, but ninjas can't stop bullets. If ninjas aren't in the woods or in the dark, they're pretty useless. Pretty much any type of martial arts discipline kicks ninjitsu's ass. Except maybe like Tae Kwon Do. Like my friend brought up last night: any kind of discipline that a 12 year old can get a black belt in isn't that great.
Actually afterwards when I started falling asleep they were showing Aikido which is even more worthless because Aikido is all about being graceful and pretty while kicking ass. Aikido is what samurais used when they weren't chopping necks. Most samurai were pretty hefty, that's why Aikido sucks.
I'm still pretty sure all these people could kick the ever-loving shit out of Steven Segal though. With no problems at all.

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