SONG OF THE DAY: Water

I don’t drink nearly enough water so I’ve been making myself drink a quart jar as soon as I wake up. I read about some old Chinese guy doing that, and everybody knows the easiest path towards ultimate health is to reactively mimic something you heard about an old Chinese guy. But the water hasn’t taken completely yet, and often times my quart jar still has some left from the day before. Also I haven’t slept enough pretty much my entire life. I must be a shriveled raisin version of my true self at this point, perpetually exhausted, dehydrated, yet still burning the metaphorical candle on both ends, twirling it on my middle finger, dripping wax everywhere, all over the carpet, even in the rice cooker. Fuck.

SONG OF THE DAY: Dirt Boys

My eldest offspring has been in South Asia all summer, getting involved with the hip hop scenes over there, and has been feeding me music suggestions since they were old enough to do so. It’s interesting when your kid becomes grown and then you see them posting IG pics wearing fucking Nikes on a roof somewhere in Singapore or Malaysia or idek. Anyways, I’ve always been interested in hip hop’s global spread, and the twin roots of that – both as organic artistic outlet at localized level, as well as larger entrepreneurial dream for those local artists who transcend being local. I mean fuck man, my actual local people social media feed is full of Charlottesville rappers still chasing dreams, making videos and posts and hoping to blow up to an economically abundant life none of us have ever known. Same thing with Richmond. Same thing everywhere. We all want to escape the struggle, it is a universal human desire. I think they even wrote something about that shit in the Declaration of Independence, essentially founding father old white dude semantics for “WE TIRED OF STRUGGLING, FUCK Y’ALL”. I’ve always wanted to have a website that had more international hip hop coverage, not from consumer perspective but from an artistic perspective, hyping up the good shit from all these various corners of the Earth where those tendrils of what blossomed in the cracks of 1970s South Bronx depression has spread. It’s amazing actually.

Anyways, KOHH’s “Dirt Boys” is a fuckin’ anthem. This shit has gotten stuck in my head at least 69 times over the past year.

Aki Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day Eight: RYUDEN (7-1)

[young Ryuden flexing a little] 

Hokutofuji 

entered day eight as one of 

four unbeaten dudes 

across the way - Ryuden 

the young hopeful rikishi 

Ryuden showed mad 

promise at first, coming up 

same time as Abi 

but that boy Ryuden has 

been little inconsistent 

consistency at 

upper sumo echolon 

never that easy 

big fuckers smashing you, two knees 

carrying weight like peasants 

upon this eighth day 

of autumn aki basho, 

Ryuden stepped up 

too many dudes still ain't lost, 

leaderboard tightens daily 

Hokutofuji, low on 

banzuke scroll, dreaming of 

potential title 

but Ryuden ruined them 

hopes, putting first X on sheet 

Hokutofuji 

held at edge, resisting his 

first basho defeat 

but Ryuden was like "fuck 

that" - tossed my man to the floor 

is Ryuden real? 

has he found inspiration 

to perform sikkly? 

don't fuckin' know bro; I'm just 

watching some good ass sumo 

Aki Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day Six: TAKAYASU (6-0)

[Takayasu the ozeki lounger] 

Takayasu’s still 

one of my favorites - so 

cool-eyed, collected 

day six sees his opponent 

as Brazilian Kaisei 

obviously, not 

much sumo tradition in 

tropical Brazil 

Kaisei's held rank for some time, 

but been struggling this basho 

Takayasu wastes 

no time in wasting Kaisei, 

remains unbeaten 

Kaisei almost scores hip toss, 

yet Takayasu denies 

wobble without flip, 

he digs in and finishes 

Kaisei for six wins 

 one point, I thought he was 

destined for yokozuna 

he’s second-longest 

ozeki, but sat out past May 

basho entirely 

perhaps could’ve gotten wins 

then for the big promotion 

last basho, faired well, 

but wasn’t dominant like 

ozeki should be 

thus far this aki basho, 

unblemished record, calm-faced 

he never shows much 

emotion, possessing eyes 

like a true lounger 

two yokozuna, plus one 

other also unbeaten 

for ozeki to 

take that last step, he’s gotta 

choke out those above 

Hakuho and Kakuryu, 

however, still look too strong 

oh Takayasu - 

were you to gain promotion, 

would demeanor break? 

would yokozuna status 

cause aloof look to liven? 

STVDY1NG TH3 H41KV F0RM'S...

studying the haiku form's

historical precedents,

all while bastardizing them

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 15: RYUDEN (10-5)

[an outstanding performance gif] 

my apologies for 

withdrawing like an injured 

yokozuna, y’all 

once Tochinoshin had won, 

wasn’t much left to tanka 

but let me also 

give glowing accolades to 

the young Ryuden 

the lanky youngster appears 

to be poised for true stardom 

Japan’s sumo world 

will suck the soul out of young 

promising natives 

but Ryuden carried himself 

well, winning Fighting Spirit 

(he shared with Abi, 

but I already wrote ‘bout 

Abi earlier) 

(now we are officially 

caught up, time for Osaka) 

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 14: TAKAYASU (11-3)

[Takayasu ends Kakuryu's pride] 

by rule only one 

tanka per rikishi per 

basho… that’s the rule 

but if ever I was to 

rethink this, it was today 

Tochinoshin’s run 

through New Year’s basho has been 

an absolute joy 

multiple bouts he’s had to 

stay intensely persistent 

against Shohozan, 

he looked understandably 

nervous going in 

never champion, runner-up 

three times over his career 

this bout gave drama… 

Shohozan appeared to have 

early advantage 

Tochinoshin not able 

get belt to overpower 

Shohozan had him 

pushed backwards at edge briefly; 

the Georgian stayed put 

Tochinoshin recovered, 

and attained his destiny 

Shohozan out the 

ring, Tochinoshin showered 

with cheers from the crowd 

at night’s end, the main event 

saw Kakuryu showcase 

the yokozuna 

did not give up, facing off 

thick Takayasu 

ozeki Takayasu, 

quietly still dominant 

Kakuryu held 

center dohyo, hoping to 

maintain his aura 

then almost as if possessed, 

Takayasu exploded 

our yokozuna - 

the last one remaining, was 

left in lump ringside 

Takayasu stood tall (while 

Tochinoshin stood taller) 

[Tochinoshin's victory to seal his title] 

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 10: ICHINOJO (6-4)

[BIG BOY BUMPS FOREVER B] 

Ichinojo and 

Takakeisho had epic 

day ten sumo bout 

but mostly this is about 

Takakeisho’s final bump 

an excuse to make 

sumo gif of destruction 

that says BIG BOY BUMP 

R.I.P. Takakeisho… 

not komusubi for long 

[the full match in case you'd like to see,

which you should] 

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 9: YUTAKAYAMA (5-4)

[a placeholder for a clever comment, but forgotten] 

couple mid-level 

maegashira tsuppari 

fuck out each other 

an entertaining New Year’s 

basho, emperor or not 

Yutakayama 

finally finishes this 

particular bout 

but sumo is a woven 

tale, not just little bouts 

Yutakayama 

don’t even have his own page on 

wikipedia 

the revolution will not 

be digitized - don’t forget 

the algorithms 

were tweaked; what you see is not 

what’s seen on my end 

nothing is real, except these 

gifs I create for sumo 

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 8: CHIYONOKUNI (2-6)

[Chiyonokuni brutalizing Okinoumi] 

a good old-fashioned 

sumo match slobberknocker, 

that’s all this shit is 

two nearly naked big dudes 

slap-boxing and grab-assing 

please, no disrespect 

is intended by my words; 

sumo is supreme 

football? pro wrestling? fuck that 

weak corporate fascism 

is sumo corrupt? 

sure, why not; what upon Earth 

for centuries ain’t? 

despite this, deeply layered 

pageantry covers all flaws 

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 3: ABI (1-2)

[yung Abi swagger] 

young Abi’s debut 

basho started with two days 

of no victory 

that’s to be expected, bitch; 

top level sumo don’t play 

Abi don’t even 

have wikipedia page… 

that’s how young he is 

Abi’s shiko warm-up stomps 

are the best since Crazy Legs 

day three he faced off 

against that wily old fuck 

called Takekaze 

ahh, aging Takekaze… 

a Raven Mack favorite 

his face looks smashed flat 

from too many thick-handed slaps, 

yet still he rises 

Abi able to further 

smack the old man further back 

Takekaze’s age 

no match today for the yung 

gun (of this basho) 

so many yung guns… 

sumo remains unmatched sport 

congratulations 

yung Abi the newcomer 

on your first big win 

little time to celebrate… 

makuuchi’s relentless 

Hatsu Basho 2018 Honour Tanka Day 2: ENDO (2-0)

[like tumbling dice goes the big mens] 

don’t really feel like 

writing, so mostly doing 

this as a time waste 

dramatic sumo finish 

gifs need to be created 

can’t ever watch an 

Endo bout without thinking 

of Craig and Smoky 

“Endo? smell more like outdo’” 
says Craig, before shit gets wild 

Aki Basho 2017 Honour Tanka Day 10: ISHIURA (2-8)

(Ishiura lookin' silly out here)

Ishiura, for 

the love of the forest gods, 

please eat your fish broth 

your miniscule missile launch 

style has become comedic 

other rikishi 

predict its arrival, so 

please eat your fish broth 

fill your chankonabe bowl 

up with seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths 

wrestling under shoot 

name, driving your McLaren - 

the novelty’s gone 

less than a year removed from 

your fighting spirit award 

something is missing - 

and perhaps added stones will 

help uncover it 

so Ishiura, please eat 
your chankonabe with gust 

Aki Basho 2017 Honour Tanka Day 1: URA (1-0)

(Ura walks the line better than Johnson P. Cash)

the squad is mad thin - 

three yokozuna (plus more) 

already withdrawn 

event lacking star power 

necessitates young buck flex 

who shall step the fuck 

up, seize opportunity,

win aki basho? 

enough build-up - Day One was weird; 

one of four yokozunas 

ozekis losing, 

and shit felt like it wasn’t 

entirely complete 

perhaps this will be Ura’s 

chance to shine in lighter field 

his first bout against 

Shodai, young Ura tip-toed 

the edge of failure 

but he did yokozuna 

ballerina gravitas 

dumb American 

me anxiously awaits what 

shall rise to the top 

I, the dumb American, 
who watches youtube sumo 

Nagoya Basho 2017 Honour Tanka Day 10: TAKAYASU (8-2)

(Ura revving up but not enough)

Takayasu lost 

first bout of his first basho 

as an ozeki 

after initial slip, he 

settled into pure power 

day 10 saw Ura, 

young raw power punk himself, 

facing off in clash 

Takayasu gives no fucks 

about Ura’s rising star 

their bout is Ura 

attacking like little dog 

on sumo totem 

Takayasu smacks him back 

(one time literally so) 

they lock up early 

on, Ura fighting to gain 

piece of advantage 

big dog Takayasu stands 

almost as if fighting child 

he has armlock on 

young Ura, but cannot end 

the bout this quickly 

Ura’s stubborn heart serves him 

well against Takayasu 

cartoonish Ura 

revs back, tornado spinning 

his legs to charge in 

the young punk slide whistles in; 

Takayasu stops the charge 

Ura bounces off, 

and the two stand in deep stare 

for long half second 

the next lock-up is the last, 

as Takayasu is tired 

Ura goes for one 

behemoth Takayasu 

leg, exposing neck 

Takayasu is quick to 

seize the opportunity 

he grabs Ura’s head, 

twists it back and forth until 

flipping Ura down 

the young punk has been humbled; 

new ozeki proven true 

Takayasu’s star’s 

already risen; he’ll fend 

off more newer stars 

up-and-down of sumo rank 

requires constant diligence 

(the full match if you care)