Football Metaphysics for the World Cup

[click the image to go to the collection]

World Cup 2026 is underway, and I have been posting up daily World Cup Metaphysics previews at my Southern Gothicc Futurism patreon. I did not grow up with the world’s football, but took to it in the past couple decades, after giving up on American football (too much brain damage). But the amazing thing I have enjoyed about the world’s football is how much geopolitics and history and strange cultural sediments are woven throughout it – far more than any other sport and most other cultural phenomenons. So my daily write-ups are not the basic “quirky sportswriting” preview style  you see online. It’s about the metaphysics, and in fact, the posts are daily incantations of three things, from the foundation of football metaphysics, that we (the People, as it is actually the People’s game, not FIFA’s) would like to conjure up. You don’t have to subscribe to my Patreon, as I’ve made this particular collection only $4.69, for a whole World Cup’s worth of football metaphysical meandering text! You know how many esoteric tangents I can pack into this baby? A lot. Support your local dirtgod.

SONG OF THE DAY: Danza de la Cabra (kudzu'd)

The World Cup starts tomorrow, and it will somehow simultaneously be wonderful and wretched, all at once. It begins in Mexico, so here is a cumbia song. You can also follow along with my daily Football Metaphysics analysis of the competition at my Patreon, for the low low price of $4.69, which will be spent entirely on non-alcoholic Stella Artois (true 0.0%).

16-Man Metaphysical Roster: NEW YORK CITY FC

{squeezed into Yankee Stadium for a long minute now}

[16-Man Metaphysical Rosters are divined using a football metaphysics methodology where minutes played over the past 50 competitive club matches determines which 16 players constitute the strongest psychic influence over a club’s current psychic trajectory. Intuitive analysis is then added, with a decidedly un-American foundation. Football metaphysics believes in the beautiful game, not the modern corporate spectacle. We have more of a love for Maradona in Mexico than Messi in Miami. One North American club is done each month, divided equally between Liga MX and the MLS, as they are the top two leagues in our home country of America (because in footballing terms, many parts of America are actually Mexico). This is now a solo project again by Raven Mack, but used to be a small group effort, so it bears saying, Rest In Peace Neil.]

Our first foray into an MLS club begins with New York City FC, who is a pretty good example of the strange position soccer is jammed into the American cultural landscape. In terms of ownership, they’re owned mostly by the same holding company that was built around owning Manchester City FC, hence the similarity in kits. But there’s also minority ownership from the Yankees ownership group. The club was not created as any grassroots effort by supporters to have a club, so much as created in a major city to seemingly fill a marketing void. U.S. soccer clubs in Major League Soccer don’t develop as blossoms of football culture followed and supported for years (which does actually happen in the U.S. in a lot of different places), but more as deciding where a new Whole Foods should be built.

But it’s a long-term process. MLS identified their desire for a second club in the greater New York City metropolitan area back in 2006. In 2013, the club started to come to fruition, finally playing in the 2015 MLS season. So the club exists, and with some high profile talent coming through as they are not lacking for financial support, as Manchester City looks to establish itself as a major American brand as well. But finding a home for the club has been more difficult, with various stadium plans dreamed up and abandoned, in various industrial sites along the margins of New York City’s five boroughs. In fact, there’s been abandoned plans for an NYC FC soccer-specific stadium in Queens, the Bronx, and Harlem, touching on all the potentially gentrified spaces needing “cleaning up” so to speak. It appears they may be closer than ever, with a site identified at Willets Point, next to the New York Mets stadium, and within sight of the U.S. Open tennis complex.

This in itself is a pretty solid exhibit of soccer in America. It has no obvious place, culturally, so it’s sort of sown into marginal spots as a sign of improvement, not unlike street mural festivals. It’s not the mainstream accepted sport like basketball of American football, but it is widely supported. The strange thing about U.S. soccer though is it seeks out the support of a privileged class, while shitting on poor folks from international backgrounds who might actually be much larger futbol fans. Willets Point being the site of their potential stadium is perfect example, as it’s been a thriving but chaotic used auto parts corner of the city for many decades. The streets are unpaved, but if you’re not afraid to venture in, affordable quick fixes for all sorts of car problems can easily be found. It’s one of those amazing places that still exists in NYC that feels like another country, and it’s mostly populated by immigrants or non-English speakers, many of whom come from places where futbol is just as religiously followed as American football is even in the football-heaviest parts of the country. But that entire area is going to be turned into a soccer stadium complete with development of hotel and commercial properties. It’s hard to imagine how long of a clean-up a giant unmonitored used auto parts zone is going to take, and it's sad to think of all the folks who were able to carve out a living in this desperate way, for years and years, who are just gonna get displaced, with no real alternative location for that chaotic mechanical type of flea market anywhere else. In its place will grow a waterfront commercial development anchored by a couple of sports stadiums that, to be honest, looks like a dozen other complexes around the country. A uniquely New York City environment displaced by just another shopping complex where white folks from suburban counties will ride the train in to watch a soccer match a few times a year, and enjoy an overpriced meal and drinks while they’re there.

So that’s soccer in America – simultaneously an outsider to the mainstream, while also being a gentrifying force that squats itself right over top the existence of poorer folks, who otherwise might be huge American futbol fans if any sort of outreach was done whatsoever. But poor folks don’t have money, and American futbol is not about actually being a cultural force so much as cosplaying as one, so wealthy Americans can act like they’re some sort of ultras group, and wave their rainbow flags of pride that don’t really give half a fuck about black trans folks or actual marginalized sex workers. It’s all kinda fucked, and makes it hard to pull for Major League Soccer as an entity, because it’s not pulling for me. It’s all about the money, but without the history of older domestic leagues elsewhere.

Nonetheless, New York City FC has existed now for nearly a decade, and been fairly successful in that short term. And somehow, by not actually having a home, a strange hominess has been found by them being forced to play in Yankee Stadium. They can’t always play there, due to it being the Yankees home first and foremost, but for the most part, they squeeze in a smallish version of a pro futbol pitch, and it’s one of the more unique set-ups in U.S. soccer, that has been forced to go on for so long while New York city tries to build a soccer stadium, that it’s made NYC FC matches have a strange marginal beauty. And in their short history, NYC FC has finished second in regular season standings twice already, and won the MLS Cup in 2021. They’ve firmly established themselves as a top MLS brand (lol), and with Major League Soccer player movement being so rapid and tied to money, they’ll likely remain that type of club, so long as the luster doesn’t wear off those baby blue kits as an off-brand version of Manchester City for U.S. soccer aficionados to claim as their own. And here are the top 16 players in terms of minutes played over the past 50 competitive matches, who weigh the heaviest on the club’s current metaphysics (through September 02, 2023)…

#1: KEATON PARKS – This midfielder’s name sounds quintessentially U.S. soccer… the privileged kid from a suburban background (Dallas area in Keaton’s case) who maintains his fees and remains in the pyramid scam that is youth soccer here, going from high profile high school to collegiate scholarship, then into the MLS after a draft. Except somehow Keaton Parks, despite that name, bypassed that traditional U.S. soccer path. After high school, he immediately signed with a semi-pro club in Texas, and got a few tryouts with Portuguese clubs somehow, ending up overseas for about five years, including making one of the Portuguese big three’s senior squad, at Benfica, briefly. In 2019, they loaned Parks back to America, which is how he landed at NYC FC, likely due to shared scouting with Manchester City perhaps? Anyways, whatever the path, he never played college soccer in the U.S., and after his move to NYC FC was made permanent in January of 2020, he’s become a mainstay on the squad, and will cross the 150 caps with club in the next month most likely.

#2: SANTIAGO RODRÍGUEZ – Uruguayan attacker who’d been an early star at one of that nation’s most prominent clubs, Nacional, before moving to a crosstown club Montevideo City Torque. NYC FC signed him on an 18-month loan early in the summer of 2021, which ran out after last season. It wasn’t clear if he was coming back, though NYC FC wanted him to badly, but he finally signed a permanent contract this past March, and is one of their key players on attack, wearing the precious #10 for the club.

#3: TAYVON GRAY – New York metropolitan area youngster who was born and bred in the Bronx but spent time in Jersey as well, and has been with NYC FC since the age of 15. Over the past few years (he just turned 21), he’s grown into key defender for the club. He also has Jamaican heritage so got his first call-up and appearance for the Jamaican national team earlier this month. He had played for the US at various youth levels, but made the move to the Jamaican team apparently, getting subbed into the match in the second half in the Reggae Boyz 1-0 win over Honduras.

#4: THIAGO MARTINS – Brazilian central defender who excelled for a while with Palmeiras in his homeland, and did a stint in Japan playing for Yokohama F. Marinos for a few years, before returning to this half of the Earth when NYC FC signed him last year. Along with Gray, the backbone of the NYC FC defense now that Maxime Chanot (next up) has left.

#5: MAXIME CHANOT – French player who’s played around Western Europe, but spent his longest gig at NYC FC for 7 seasons, establishing himself as their key defender. He went back to France this summer, playing for a Ligue 2 club Ajaccio, that’s located on Corsica, so they got that dope bandana dude from the Corsican flag in their crest. He also remains key defender for the Luxembourg national team, which has never qualified for hardly anything, as one of the smallest nations in UEFA.

#6: LUIS BARRAZA – Barraza is a Mexican-American GK who grew up on this side of the border in New Mexico, so has been in the MLS youth system, played college soccer at Marquette, and been immersed in the U.S. soccer pyramid since he was 14, when he joined Real Salt Lake’s Arizona academy. He had only sporadic appearances for NYC FC’s senior team up until this year, when he’s become their primary GK.

#7: BRAIAN CUFRÉ – Argentine left back who made his name at Vélez Sarsfield back home, which got him attention from La Liga in Spain. He’s been contracted to Mallorca since 2020, and spent time loaned to Málaga in Spain as well, and was loaned to NYC FC at the beginning of this MLS season in February, which an option for a permanent transfer. He’s done well enough in MLS to become a key player for the squad, but they’re also buried in the standings outside the pretty large playoffs window, so who knows? NYC FC has been one of the consistently more successful clubs, and they seemingly still have a good foundation on defense, but need a strike threat to takeover for offense. But also MLS is even more fickle than normal football clubs, because MLS has so much more player movement than other domestic leagues. This whole list might get angrily shook up. I guess I hadn’t mentioned their manager is Nick Cushing, an English dude who had spent a longtime managing the Man City women’s team before coming to NYC FC’s coaching staff in 2020. Though his win percentage is only at around 30%, hard to imagine a guy so entrenched in Manchester City coaching style would get run off even after one less than exciting season in charge.

#8: TALLES MAGNO – 21-year-old winger, and one of a number of Brazilians on the NYC FC squad. Magno cut his footballing teeth with Vasco da Gama in Brazil, and joined NYC FC a couple years back, and has been considered a potential breakout player for MLS, but has yet to really seize that destiny by the throat. Still, a pretty good scoring threat to be part of the NYC FC arsenal, and having been steeped in Brazilian football culture, not afraid of any potential intercontinental draws against Mexican clubs.

#9: JAMES SANDS – NYC FC’s first academy player to make their senior roster. Sands was good enough to be loaned to Rangers in Scotland for part of last season (Scottish seasons, not American seasons, which don’t sync). Born and raised in Westchester County, just outside New York City proper, but a really good example of how more sports leagues should embrace performative names for competitors. “James Sands” is boring as fuck, I don’t care how good a defender he is. But change that shit to “Jimmy Sandman” and I’m gonna automatically be thinking, “Oh fuck, they gotta watch out for Jimmy Sandman!”

#10: GABRIEL PEREIRA – Pereira is a young Brazilian attack player who spent about 16 months with NYC FC, and became a key goal scoring threat for them. His performance caught enough attention he was part of the rush of talent to the Middle East this summer, though a less glamorous path, instead of Europe to Saudi Arabia, Pereira went from the U.S. to Qatar Stars League, signing with Al-Rayyan. Interesting to see how that fossil fuel money has so suddenly disrupted the football migration patterns we’re used to this past year.

#11: JUSTIN HAAK – Born in Brooklyn the day after 9/11. Also not even a real human being, but a composite cyborg AI tech creation performed in the MLS Laboratories to create the most American soccer-looking player possible, with the most Football Manager-generated sounding name possible. The reason they don’t allow green lasers in the stands in the U.S. like they use so extensively in African football is because the lights would cause cyborg creations like Justin Haak to overheat, thus ruining the illusion of “American soccer” being competed entirely by humans.

#12: RICHARD LEDEZMA – Ledezma is an American defender from Arizona who made enough of a splash at an early age to get signed by PSV Eindhoven in the Netherlands, one of the Dutch Eredivisie’s biggest clubs. He did time on the reserve team and got a few starts with the senior squad as well, but had long been rumored as coming back to America. This past March, PSV signed him to a contract extension then immediately loaned him to NYC FC. He’s gotten one call-up to the US national team, appearing ina  single match against Panama in 2020, where he was subbed on in the 68th minute and got two assists.

#13: ALFREDO MORALES – Morales is an American player of Peruvian descent born in Germany as his pops was born in Peru but was an American and in the military. Morales actually spent his youth academy years moving up the German ranks, ending up at Hertha BSC, where he also started his senior professional career on their reserve team, eventually cracking the senior squad. He moved between a few different clubs, being sort of a tweener between Bundesliga and 2. Bundesliga (second German division). But during this time, he also was recruited for the U.S. national team during the time Jürgen Klinsmann was shifting the national team recruiting philosophy to get more players who were based overseas. Morales had sporadic appearances for the national team from 2013 through 2019, though he toyed with playing for Peru up until 2015, as he hadn’t made an appearance yet for the U.S. The exposure on the national team got him more domestic attention, and NYC FC signed him in April of 2021 through the end of this year, with an option for another year. Hard to say if he’ll be part of their long-term plans or not, as he’s 33 and hasn’t exactly lit it up in MLS.

#14: MITJA ILENIČ – Spent his professional career entirely in his native Slovenia, finally becoming a main player for top Slovenian club Domžale befor eNYC FC signed him this past January. He’s made another of appearances with the club so far, and is only 18, and has already graduated to the U-21 Slovenian national team, their second youngest player ever. No diss to MLS but you gotta figure after gaining some first-team exposure, the Slovenian football federation is gonna want him playing somewhere in Europe. And at the same time, what fun it must be to be a young, carefree, professional soccer contract-having Slovenian living in New York City (although I’m going by memories of NYC, not what the modern gentrified weird ass NYC is).

#15: KEVIN O’TOOLE – Former Jersey kid who was a homegrown player for the New York Red Bulls, and spent plenty of time on their youth and reserve squads, and played for Princeton collegiately, but was left unprotected for the MLS SuperDraft (lol) last year, and NYC FC seized the opportunity to poach him from their local rivals. O’Toole can play a slew of roles, so gets plugged and played here and there as needed, but still hasn’t really settled as a steady starter in any capacity.

#16: MATÍAS PELLEGRINI – Argentine winger who briefly showed flash with Estudiantes in his native country before getting imported to Inter Miami early on in their existence. Pellegrini’s been an MLS mainstay ever since, but never really caught on at Inter Miami like expected. He got loaned back to Estudiantes multiple times, but the last time, they passed on purchasing the player back, so Inter Miami waived him and NYC FC claimed him last August. He’s been a bit player at NYC FC ever since.

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: LUTON TOWN FC

{Luton Town securing promotion off a missed penalty by Coventry City at Wembley}

[25-Man Metaphysical Rosters are divined using a football metaphysics methodology where minutes played over the past 100 competitive club matches determines which 25 players constitute the strongest psychic influence over a club’s current psychic trajectory. Intuitive analysis is then added, done in English by an American, but with a decidedly anti-English un-American foundation. Football metaphysics believes in the beautiful game, not the modern corporate spectacle. We have more of a love for Maradona in Mexico than Messi in Miami. One Premier League club is done each month, as it’s the top domestic league in an English-speaking nation (the language we were born with). This is now a solo project again by Raven Mack, but used to be a small group effort, so it bears saying, Rest In Peace Neil.]

Returning to our once a month Premier League metaphysical coverage, after beginning the relaunch with arguably the most prominent current club in Manchester City, it only makes sense to balance that out with the least prominent club currently, in last season’s playoff promotion winner Luton Town FC. They’re run at the end of the Championship season last one was not expected, and them gaining promotion to the Premier League finally was a major piece of metaphysical recovery, as they had been in the First Division of English football throughout the ‘80s, and then were relegated in the final season before the First Division was re-branded as the Premier League in 1992. Their plummet saw them drop all the way to the Conference Premier (5th tier) before beginning their claw back up the footballing pyramid in 2013-14 season. It’s been a constant progression two, with four seasons in League Two, then a single one in League One, before a four season journey back up the Championship standings. That being said, it’s kind of like the football club version of a dude who begins a workout regimen, and becomes obsessive about it, so keeps getting bigger and bigger. In fact, Luton Town quite literally outgrew their clothes, as Kenilworth Road lacked the media facilities required by Premier League bylaws or whatever the fuck, so upon gaining promotion, they had to undergo a massive renovation. Their first home match was postponed because this construction was not done, and pics circulated of Kenilworth Road online, showing how one back wall of the stadium butts up against regular folks junky-looking back yards. But that’s a big part of the beauty of the English football system (and most football leagues worldwide) in that any club can get infused with a money mark who hires the right minds to run things, and have an epic run over the course of a decade that will be remembered for generations.
Unfortunately, another aspect of outgrowing yourself through the tiers is personnel has to be constantly upgraded as well. And in that “ambitious Championship club” phase Luton Town was in, their squad was full of Premier League players on loan, tweeners who might be excellent in Championship but struggle in the Premier League, as well as whatever else they might get their hands on. That has meant that, as Luton Town hopes this isn’t a one-and-done season. The club that wins the playoff route towards promotion has had difficulty remaining in the Premier League historically, although Brentford and Nottingham Forest (the previous two) have both done a good job of surviving that first season, then attempting to establish themselves better that second season. So for Luton Town, this off-season has been a matter of scrabbling together parts enough to try and do just that… survive this first Premier League season in the club’s history. Heading into their home opener at Kenilworth Road though, they’d not gotten a point yet, and been outscored 7 to 1. But you don’t have to be amazing to survive that first season in the Premier League, as Forest showed so clearly last season. All you have to do is not be as bad as three other clubs. The Manchester Cities of the world can shoot for winning the league and going onto continental glory, but for a club like Nottingham Forest last season or Luton Town this one, you’re shooting for a mid-table finish, to get the boys motivated to not finish in the bottom three. That’s all you’re going for. I mean, you don’t say that publicly, because you have to maintain kayfabe and pretend you’re gonna win the Club World Cup in two years time. But realistically, Luton Town is gonna be ecstatic with a 16th place finish this season, and ensure a second one at the top level of English football.
So with all that personnel turnover in mind, here’s the 25 men who have occupied the most minutes on-pitch over the course of their past 100 competitive matches, thus comprising Luton Town’s metaphysical squad hovering over their hopes for this 2023-24 season like both active presences and ghosts that have dissipated off to elsewhere (through August 29, 2023)…

#1: AMARI’I BELL – Bell is Luton’s Jamaican national left back, who has been a Championship/League One tweener of sorts himself through most of his career, initially as a youth product of Birmingham City, and he spent time at Blackburn Rovers in rotation before landing at Luton Town the summer of 2021 and becoming key part of their back line. After over 150 matches in the Championship, Bell finally got a taste of Premier League life this season. He remains part of their survival squad, which is always nice to see, when a few players who scrapped it out with the club over the past few years also get to enjoy a little of that global spotlight. Bell has also become regular player for the Jamaican national team, despite having been born and raised in England, through his grandparents. That’s always gotta be neat to be able to reconnect to where your family is from by going back for matches a few times a year, getting a taste of the Caribbean proper.

#2: TOM LOCKYER – Welsh center back who wears the captain’s armband, and has been with Luton Town now since 2020. His appearances with the squad has grown over each of the past three seasons, until he was a mainstay last season, with 46 appearances across all competitions, and a solid 5 goals too (not bad from a center back). Despite still only being 28, has that classic dirt dog Welsh look of an eternal 40-year-old. Also famously got stretchered off in the early stages of their playoff final against Coventry City at Wembley Stadium a few months ago, to where nobody knew if he was okay or what. When Luton Town won the penalty shootout, fellow players paraded around with Lockyer’s jersey. The club didn’t even know if dude was okay, so manager Rob Edwards was low-key in post-match interviews, happy they won but not wanting to be too happy because they didn’t know Lockyer’s health status. He had a fibrillation of the heart, and was cleared to return to football, renewed his contract with Luton Town, and is the heart (no pun intended) of their defense.

#3: ELIJAH ADEBAYO – English-born striker of Nigerian descent, who had been contracted to Fulham for many years, but never catching on there. He played for Walsall and dominated League Two for two seasons, which led to Luton Town bringing him on board at the very end of the winter transfer window in 2021. He’s been a solid contributor for The Hatters throughout his time, with 28 goals at the Championship level the past two-and-a-half seasons.

#4: ETHAN HORVATH – Horvath continues America’s one solid tradition in English football… being a GK. He was born and raised in the US, but has made his professional career in Europe, in Norway and Belgium, and actually has a Hungarian passport through his father. He’s been the secondary GK for Nottingham Forest the past few years, occupying a double US GK set-up this season behind Matt Turner. But last season, he got a season-long loan spell with Luton Town, and was instrumental in their run, playing in 51 matches and getting 20 clean sheets. At 28, at this point he’s sort of settled into that role of secondary GK (which itself is a very certain mindset and metaphysical squad necessity). Luton Town had the option to sign Horvath after the loan, and chose not to, I guess agreeing with Nottingham Forest that Horvath wasn’t quite ready to play in the Premier League. And yet, all they did otherwise was poach Thomas Kaminshi from Blackburn Rovers, who has never had any Premier League experience before this season himself.

#5: ALLAN CAMPBELL – Campbell was a midfielder and Scottish international who played regularly for The Hatters the past two seasons, but was deemed perhaps not Premier League ready, and has been loaned to Millwall for the entirety of this season, which is a tight “hedge your bets” move for a lowly Premier League newbie, who might want ol’ boy back next season if they get immediately knocked back down to the second tier.

#6: CARLTON MORRIS – Another Championship/League One tweener caliber player, who was on Norwich City’s squad for two Premier League seasons previously, but never got a minute at that level. He has, however, scored Luton’s only goal in their first two matches upon returning to the Premier League. He’s been a workhorse for them this past season, and is expected to continue to carry a load, at a higher level than he’s ever done in his career thus far.

#7: JORDAN CLARK – English midfielder that has three eras to his career thus far. The first was contracted to Barnsley but not good enough for the Championship, so loaned out every year. Then he had a League Two/League One period of kicking people’s asses, both for Shrewsbury Town and Accrington Stanley. That landed him a transfer to Luton Town in the summer of 2020, and he’s been a steady contributor in those second tier years, despite never being the same dominant force he was at lower levels (understandably). The jump to the Premier League is likely to be a tough one for him, but he’ll get his minutes, and his shot at proving himself worthy at the age of 29.

#8: PELLY RUDDOCK MPANZU – Being fascinated with African football in general has led me to a particular fascination with DR Congolese players, because that country is so chaotically large, along a giant river, and features a continental powerhouse in TP Mazembe. Like DR Congo itself has the eastern affluent part towards the end of the Congo River at Kinshasa, which has pretty incredible musical history as well. But DR Congo is HUGE, and TP Mazembe is actually in Lubumbashi, pretty much right in the middle of Africa’s dangling appendage half, in the southeastern part of DR Congo, near Zambia. Mineral money there has created wealthy oligarchs, and one of them has channeled that money into creating a continentally dominant club. Pelly Ruddock Mpanzu has nothing to do with that, and in fact like most DR Congolese players seen in Europe, was born and raised far away from Africa, the result of so much displacement due to the political instability of the behemoth nation. Many of these guys flow through Belgium, which had been the colonial master of DR Congo historically, but Mpanzu was born in the Greater London area, and spent some time in his early adult years signed with West Ham. He only got one appearance in three seasons, thus was sold off to Luton Town when they were in the 5th tier of English football, back in November of 2013, on loan at first, but with the move being made permanent. And Mpanzu has remained with the club ever since, part and parcel of their climb from the Conference Premier, up through Leagues Two and One, and featuring prominently for them throughout their four-season stint in the Championship. Thus his appearances in the Premier League already for The Hatters are personal triumph as well, almost a decade after West Ham deemed him not good enough to play at that level. A bit injury-prone at times, but when he’s fit, he’s got that high-energy style from end-to-end that helps a lowly club over achieve, because that type of energy is infectious. Definite catalyst and good piece of Luton Town’s soul at this point, even if he’s too non-English (despite having lived his entire life in England) to wear the captain’s armband.

#9: ALFIE DOUGHTY – I’m a big fan of all dudes named Alfie to be honest. That’s perhaps a common nickname in the UK, but you don’t see no Alfies in America, thus it conjures up certain stereotypes of fun-loving shitheads. Doughty is a midfielder, and metaphysically speaking, you’d much rather have your fun-loving shitheads be on defense, or a defensive midfielder. Doughty is only 23, and he’s gotten smatterings of Championship experience the past few seasons, but has yet to become an every match player, much less somebody who looks Premier League-ready. Nonetheless, always good to have an Alfie male on the squad.

#10: JAMES BREE – Right back who’d been key member of their defense for nearly three seasons, but Southampton came and scooped him up last winter transfer window, as part of their hopes of surviving relegation. The Saints and Bree got the drop, and The Hatters were promoted, so Bree remains in the Championship, where he’ll likely cross 200 appearances in that second tier this season.

#11: GABRIEL OSHO – Young defender who gets regular time but isn’t an every match starter, by any means. Will likely be fighting even more for playing time, although at only 25, there’s still time for a potential breakout.

#12: REECE BURKE – As a youngster, Reece Burke was a West Ham youth academy hopeful, who actually got 5 appearances in the Premier League for the Hammers way back in 2014-15. Then began his wander through League One and Championship, where he firmly established himself as too good for League One, but rotational in the Championship. He started their match at Chelsea, thus getting his sixth Premier League appearance, with over 8 years between numbers 5 and 6. Also a plus that one of Luton Town’s big acquisitions for this season (and who won’t make this list because he’s only been there for a couple matches) is Ross Barkley, and Reece Burke/Ross Barkley have a nice phonetic combo to make things difficult for drunken supporters to explain what exactly had happened to cost Luton Town a match as the season goes on.

#13: MARVELOUS NAKAMBA – I’m a big fan of African names like Marvelous. I’m also a big fan of players who are African-born and make their way to the Premier League in a roundabout journey that takes them through their home continent, not European-born African heritage players who are put in major club academies early on. African football is beautifully chaotic, both at club and national team levels, and it’s one of my great joys to watch. Nakamba made the jump to France at 18, so he didn’t have long as a professional in Zimbabwe, but he spent time on Bantu Rovers before going to Europe. He’d already been in the Premier League, having been on Aston Villa’s squad beginning in 2019, and with 68 appearances for them across all competitions. Last season, he had become expendable, and was loaned to Luton Town, who did sign him on a permanent deal this past July.

#14: DAN POTTS – Dan Potts is the son of former West Ham captain Steve Potts, and thus was a West Ham youth product, and spent the first part of his professional career with The Hammers, but never could catch on. In 2015, he was sold to Luton Town, when they were still in League Two, and he’s been part of their squad ever since, also being along for the ride through the English football pyramid. It’s hard not to be happy for dudes like that, especially a guy like Potts, who probably had all this outsized pressure on him to be as great as his father. You have to assume this home opener at Kenilworth Road hosting The Hammers is gonna mean more to him than most everybody else out there.

#15: CODY DRAMEH – Young fullback owned by Leeds United who didn’t get much playing time on the senior squad, so has been getting loaned out to Championship squads, to Cardiff City two seasons ago and then to Luton Town this season. Somehow, even with Leeds United getting relegated, he’s still not good enough, because they loaned him out this season to Birmingham City rather than have him be part of their effort to regain promotion.

#16: SONNY BRADLEY – Grizzled old vet of the lower professional tiers, who fell out of starting favor as Luton Town’s trajectory got higher, though he came onto the squad in their League One days. Deemed expendable after promotion, he signed on with Derby County as part of their hopes of escaping League One wilderness and getting back to the second tier. Wayne Rooney did a real good job there. Luckily for me, he’s doing just as bad as manager for DC United here in America, where his name value will allow him to suck for a long time before getting sacked. Kinda telling he’s already managing in the US instead of toughing it out in League One with his childhood love Derby County. God I hate a Wayne Rooney.

#17: HARRY CORNICK – Not the famous light jazz musician, and in fact, not even with Luton Town anymore. After a long stint with the club, with 235 appearances across all competitions (and three tiers of English football), Cornick moved to Bristol City this past January, thus remains firmly entrenched in that English Championship existence. Also strange personal link, as I played Havant & Waterlooville in my FM2015 game a lot over the years, and Cornick was actually on that squad. He was only on loan, and would get really mad that I’d brought in all these other high profile players to replace him, so stupid ass AFC Bournemouth would recall him.

#18: FRED ONYEDINMA – High-speed Nigerian winger/forward whose toiled amongst various Championship clubs over the years, with both Millwall and Wycombe Wanderers at that level before joining Luton Town in 2021. Luton Town was a harder squad for him to find playing time on than Wycombe, and that became even more apparent last season, where he struggled to find minutes. Thus, with promotion to the Premier League, he too has been loaned back to the Championship, playing for Rotherham United this season, but with the open-ended possibility of coming back to Luton Town should they suffer the immediate drop back down.

#19: CAULEY WOODROW – Having football culturally really changes the opportunities of people. If you’d been born “Cauley Woodrow” in America, he’d have to be a lacrosse player at a private school, and if he’s lucky, get a Division III lacrosse scholarship somewhere where he’d rush a frat, live it up for four years in some small town college, then move into working in his dad’s insurance agency. But with the presence of footballing culture in England, this particular IRL Cauley Woodrow likely barely even had to pretend at school. He’s another one with previous Premier League experience, having been a squad member of Fulham from 2011-19, as they bounced up and down (as Fulham does), getting 6 appearances in 2013-14, including a singular goal in their match against Crystal Palace in May of 2014.

#20: LUKE BERRY – Berry has been a sporadic sub off the bench for Luton Town for a number of years, and has navigated four tiers of English football with the club. Thus, you kinda gotta love a dude like this finally getting Premier League minutes, as Berry has this season already. One of The Hatters longest-tenured players as well.

#21: KAL NAISMITH – Naismith had been a utility defender for The Hatters, who could play on either side of the defense, and in 18 months, accumulated 69 appearances across all competitions. He moved to Bristol City before last season, but the immensity of his minutes before that means he still shows up on this list, even after having been gone an entire year. That’s how the metaphysical list works. You put in an incredible amount of time on a club, and it takes a while for all that work to be cleansed from the club’s psyche.

#22: HENRI LANSBURY – Lansbury spent the past two seasons as a Luton Town midfielder who previously had 13 Premier League appearances under his belt (3 with Arsenal in his younger days, then 10 while with Aston Villa in 2019-20). He played sporadically last season, and officially retired a few weeks ago.

#23: LUKE FREEMAN – A former wonderkid who, while with Gillingham, became the youngest player to ever play in an FA Cup tie, subbing on at 15 years and 233 days. Got scooped up by Arsenal after that notable moment, but never once got an appearance for the Gunners, and has wandered the top three tiers of English football, mostly in the Championship, for the past 12 seasons. He did get 11 Premier League appearances while with Sheffield United in 2019-20. After being released by the Blades in summer of 2022, he spent last season pitching in for Luton Town, mostly as substitute on attack.

#24: CAMERON JEROME – You talk about grizzled vets of English football? Jerome is now 37, and outside of a stint in the Turkish Super Lig with Goztepe, has spent all of it England, on a multitude of clubs. In fact, age contributed to his time at Luton Town ending, as in January of this year, he felt all the traveling from his home in the north-west of England tiring, so they ended his contract on mutual consent, and he signed with League One’s Bolton Wanderers. He had appearances on the England U21 team from 2005 through 2008, but agreed to represent Grenada in October of last year (which probably added to his travel fatigue). Still with Bolton in League One this season, he’s got well over 300 Championship appearances, and over 200 Premier League appearances. One of those old ass strikers who just can’t quite give it up, and has seen it all in English football.

#25: JAMES SHEA – Shea seems to be Luton Town’s eternal back-up GK, whose been with them since their League Two days. He played a prominent role in their single League One season, and has sporadically had spells as their number one in the Championship years. He’s still holding down a spot on the squad, and wears their #1 jersey still.

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: MANCHESTER CITY

{Manchester City achieves immortality, sadly}

[25-Man Metaphysical Rosters are divined using a football metaphysics methodology where minutes played over the past 100 competitive club matches determines which 25 players constitute the strongest psychic influence over a club’s current psychic trajectory. Intuitive analysis is then added, done in English by an American, but with a decidedly anti-English un-American foundation. Football metaphysics believes in the beautiful game, not the modern corporate spectacle. We have more of a love for Maradona in Mexico than Messi in Miami. One Premier League club is done each month, as it’s the top domestic league in an English-speaking nation (the language we were born with). This is now a solo project again by Raven Mack, but used to be a small group effort, so it bears saying, Rest In Peace Neil.]

25-Man Metaphysics makes a return because I feel compelled to pretend to know about English football again. I’ve always loved this project, and in the heyday when myself, Paul, and Neil were writing together, it had a strange charm where even though the three of us were in entirely separate spaces, we somehow came together perfectly, not quite like Voltron but like if Voltron were a demo derby car made of used books. But I jump back into this solo, because I love nothing more than ambitious and perhaps impossible projects to dump on myself as an excuse to jabber about the metaphysical foundations beneath the consumer culture we obsess over in our declining American Empire (and in fact, the iron lung decades of unchecked capitalism’s last gasps globally).
One club a month means it’ll take well over a year to cycle through the entire Premier League, and I’m fine with that. Nobody needs to be revisiting these clubs on an annual basis in metaphysical terms like are written about here. The feel of a club has eras which cover multiple years, and this slower schedule will work just fine. But I did want to come out the gate on the restart with Manchester City, as this is currently, without a doubt, their era. In the 7 seasons since Pep Guardiola arrived from Bayern Munich, they’ve won the PL title 5 of those seasons, including the past three seasons, where they became only the second club to three-peat in the Premier League era (also done by Manchester United from 1999-2001 and 2007-2009). But this past season was an extra dominant one, with them pulling off a treble by winning the FA Cup (for the second time under Pep) and finally winning a Champions League title. They made it to the final three seasons back, losing to domestic rival Chelsea (somewhat shockingly at the time, to be honest), but finally made it back this past June, and sealed the deal against an outclassed Inter Milan squad. (Even more impressively, they played a major match in Istanbul as an English club without any prominent stabbings.)
I am no fan of Pep Guardiola, despite his obvious successes throughout his career. To me, he is the corporate football wonder manager, who is able to navigate the oversized egos of a top club and somehow make it work. Sure, that’s a talent, and not everybody has it, but I tend to appreciate the ragged philosopher who motivate a pack of football misfits into a collective shape. Pep’s methods are not that, and though it may seem like the same type of managerial acumen, just at a higher level of money invested in squad, there’s something that feels hollow about a club that can purchase every player it desires, move them around like puzzle pieces (with three pieces to a normal club’s one), and create the desired picture of a team. I love playing Football Manager on cheat mode where I can sign anybody I want, but it’s not quite as satisfying to see in real life. So of course Pep eventually won a treble with this squad… I did the same thing with Wrexham for four years in a row, from 2047 through 2050. If you got the financial cheat code in life, few things stand in your way (including UEFA’s Financial Fair Play rules, which seem to have enough loopholes and workarounds that they’re fairly impotent).
Nonetheless, with pep at the helm, the secondary Manchester club powered by fossil fuel money has ascended to the highest heights in club history, and established themselves as the pre-eminent club in the Premier League. And though I say that with the warning that all eras come to an end, we don’t know how long this run will last before egos clash and destroy the fluidity of what’s there now, or better yet, Yaya Touré’s curse is reactivated and snuffs the momentum of wealth masquerading as physical superiority. Nonetheless, here are the top 25 men according to our football metaphysics minutes played methodology over the past 100 competitive matches (through June 10, 2023)…

#1: RODRI – The Spanish midfielder has quietly become the fulcrum to Man City’s successes. Key tenet of football metaphysics as we think of things around here is the presence of a quality defensive midfielder who has the ability as a presence to shift entire club from defense to offense, often with a single pass. Rodri joined Man City four seasons back, and it’s no coincidence that they had their first three-in-a-row title run with him after he settled in. It’s also very telling that in a scrappy Champions League final this past June, it was Rodri’s wily missile from a loose ball midway through the second half that gave Man City their first ever Champions League final goal, and ultimately they’re first ever Champions League title. He is not as globally famous as the club’s more superstar names, but he is the backbone of the team as it currently stands.

#2: EDERSON – The reverse colonialism pipeline for great Brazilian players is they rule their native country, get bought up by one of the big three Portuguese clubs (Benfica, Sporting CP, and Porto), make a strong highlight film package in continental competition, then get sold off for big Euros to one of Europe’s behemoth clubs. Ederson was great enough he was shipped off to Portugal at the age of 16, and was signed by Man City at the age of 23, for a transfer fee that was the second-largest ever at the time. And in that reverse colonialism pipeline, Ederson’s fee was the largest Benfica ever got for a player (thus far). Ederson is an elite GK, but not really because of amazing shot stopping (though he’s good enough at that). What he excels at is confidence with the ball, even at his feet, and being able to switch his side from defense to counter-attack fairly adeptly. That foundation at the back end can’t be overlooked in helping a guy like Erling Haaland just pile up goals like he does. It’s not so much that Ederson stacks up clean sheets like a classic brick wall of a shot-stopping GK, as it is he handles his business and gets the ball moving, so that Man City can stack up multiple goals on the other side, which just makes his job even easier at that point.

#3: İLKAY GÜNDOĞAN – Gündoğan spent seven seasons in the midfield for Man City, and was a constant and productive presence. He accumulated a lot of playing time on a squad with enough talent that rotating folks was necessary. Gündoğan had 51 appearances last season across all competitions, and most importantly was a mainstay on Champions Leagues squads. But you can’t maintain a Champions League-winning squad, and Gündoğan was one of Manchester City’s highest profile exits in recent memory, joining Robert Lewandowski at Barcelona, with their hopes of creating a new chapter post-Messi now heavily invested into. How Man City adjusts to him being gone is really one of the biggest question marks going into this upcoming season, where they’re expected to continue fucking everybody up.

#4: KEVIN DE BRUYNE – Gonna be honest here and say I hate Kevin De Bruyne. I hate his goofy face, hate the way he plays, hate how you pronounce his stupid last name. Thus, he is the perfect guy to be a prominent face on Manchester City’s club, standing alongside Pep Guardiola, just unleashing the hatred of the wretched of the football Earth masses at City’s manufactured dominance. He also complicated me pulling for the Belgian national team in European competitions, because I’d be all excited for Romelu Lukaku and the Hazard brothers, but then De Bruyne would show his stupid face and ruin it for me.

#5: BERNARDO SILVA – Silva is, at this point, the elder presence for Man City in the midfield in terms of time with the club, but certainly plays a more support role behind Rodri. Silva’s quietly a great player though, and it’s painful how many top talents a club like Man City can accumulate, and just keep restocking over and over. But it’s also a testament to Silva’s quality that despite being on a club like that, going into his seventh season, he’s still a prominent figure. He’s actually already had over 300 appearances for the club across all competitions, which is second only to Kevin De Bruyne amongst active players on the squad.

#6: ERLING HAALAND – The young Norwegian freak joined the club last season on a ridiculous transfer fee from Borussia Dortmund (whose striped bumblebee kits matched Haaland’s bizarre face aesthetically). Even after joining the Bundesliga midway through the 2019-20 season, he maintained a blistering pace of averaging one goal per appearance. Even though he’d be a freak, nobody thought he’d maintain that level of scoring in the Premier League. But he did. Haaland is a true striker, who thinks of nothing but goals, and not just basic goals but the soul crushing type that break a defender’s spirit. As a fan of football metaphysics, it’s a bit frustrating to see such an immense talent tied down to a soulless club like Man City, but it’s also how things work in the age of modern football. Haaland at Man City lacks the spiritual feel goodness of Mo Salah at Liverpool, in fact it’s like the opposite. But we’re all going to have to suffer through it for the foreseeable future, and Haaland’s likely to only become more dominant. Gonna be a long few seasons for us Man City haters.

#7: JACK GREALISH – It took a season for Grealish to get settled into a new role at Man City and become a regular part of their starting XI. Grealish’s tale is one paralleled by many players acquired by the largest clubs after becoming dominant legends at other English clubs. Grealish’s last season with Aston Villa made him a club legend, wearing some ratty ass cleats and helping Villa survive relegation with a final match goal against West Ham at the end of the Covid-complicated 2019-20 season. He signed a big contract, and maintained that club legend status for another season, but it was obvious he had outgrown Villa. Man City came calling, and the small club legend was absorbed into a club behemoth’s oversized roster, the big fish in a small pond suddenly scrapping for minutes amidst even bigger fish. Not everybody can adjust (my beloved Swansea City’s PL hero Wilfried Bony comes to mind, who shrunk until he disappeared after joining Man City), but Grealish eventually did, and had a fairly productive season this past one. The hilarious thing about Grealish and his style of existing is the exact same characteristics that make him seem like a legend when in some godforsaken club existence like at Aston Villa also make him look like a complete and total douche in the unblemished limelight of a club like Manchester City. He just looks like an asshole now, with that fuckin’ hair and smug ass face. But send him back to Villa in 8 years, and it’s gonna be, “Haha, what a regular bloke; I’d love to get drunk with that guy!”

#8: MANUEL AKANJI – Honestly, Akanji’s addition last summer is a highly underrated piece of their successes last season. He’s solid at either right or left back, and that helped cover all the fluctuations they sometimes have at center back. Akanji had also been teammates with Haaland the previous two seasons at Dortmund, so the two coming in together helped assimilate them both into starting XI. In fact, during last season’s PL campaign, Akanji played more minutes than any other defender. He’s sort of the reverse image contrast to Haaland up top, on the defensive side. And again, he’s going to make it perhaps an unbearable next couple seasons for Man City haters like myself.

#9: RÚBEN DIAS – Portuguese defender who helped solidify defense three seasons back, and has been key to Man City’s run of three straight PL titles. Good with both feet, so much like Ederson, helps establish a solid defense that can also get the ball confidently back the other way. And even though he’s only 26, Dias has been an on-the-pitch leader for the defense, something they hadn’t really had very clearly since Guardiola came in. Even if you have all the money in the world (as Manchester City do), you can’t just keep mixing and matching folks… somebody’s got to become the leader, especially on defense.

#10: RIYAD MAHREZ – One of my all-time favorite offensive juggernauts was when Mahrez combined with Jamie Vardy at Leicester City for that improbable Premier League title in 2015-16. The two of them together was deadly, as Vardy was an unrelenting striker (like Haaland) and Mahrez is classic poacher picking up any and all scraps or openings to add to the tally. That sort of secondary mentality served Mahrez well once he finally threw enough of a fit at Leicester to get his desired transfer to Man City, because that’s all the role he was gonna get there. And despite not ever being an every match player for Man City, he was a constant offensive threat for them (including 24 goals across all competitions in 2021-22). His raw numbers were down last season, as would be expected with a guy like Haaland added to the mix, but Mahrez still got 15 goals across all competitions. However, the French-born Algerian was part of the mad money being thrown about by the Saudi League this summer, and joins a wild collection of players at Al-Ahli, that includes himself, Roberto Firmino, Allan Saint-Maximim, and Édouard Mendy in goal. Despite the influx of expensive players, I do not plan on watching a single minute of Saudi Pro League action (with the possible exception of Asian Champions League matches). I still enjoy Mahrez a lot though, and look forward to him having another run at the African Cup of Nations with Algeria in January. The Fennec Foxes have been perfect in qualification thus far, so should be a contender (again) when AFCON rolls back around.

#11: KYLE WALKER – Look man, Kyle Walker is 33, and despite his most basic name, he can be a brutish presence on defense. But their defense has become crowded, and Akanji excelling, Walker can be sold off, with Bayern Munich reportedly working up a deal. Man, what a fuckin’ weird situation that would be for Bayern to have both Harry Kane and Kyle Walker suddenly. But mostly I look forward to three seasons from now, when Sheffield United has somehow survived getting relegated (inshallah), and Walker returns to Sheffield, for a glorious final run with the Blades. He never got to shine at the senior level for them as he should have. Let that man follow his heart and go home.

#12: JOHN STONES – Ah yes, unlovable doofus John Stones. It looked like he was gonna get lost in the Man City squad shuffle a few seasons back, but he somehow has settled into key defender… at least until they find somebody shinier they can blow big money on. But even with an increased role last season, he still only played in less than two-thirds of their matches. Nonetheless, he’s been able to extend his English football peak in standard trajectory, having gone from Barnsley to Everton to Manchester City. He’s successfully fought off the descent back down thus far, but also turns 30 next May, so the John Stones to whichever middling northern English Premier League club has big aspirations rumors aren’t too far away on the horizon.

#13: PHIL FODEN – In American football, a great tradition of subliminal racism is the deep affectionate love a team’s fans have for a white guy who plays Tight End or Fullback (very different type of fullback than in the world’s football). Of course, it’s never outright racism, but the way they crazily embrace some doofus freak is almost certainly built around the fact he’s a successful athlete and still a white dude. English football has that as well, in the basic-looking good ol’ English player who quietly just plays along at a highly competent level for a supporter’s favorite club. At one like Man City, there’s so much coming and going of high-priced global superstars, it’s harder to find such a character to channel your internalized xenophobia. Thankfully for Manchester City, Foden gives supporters that chance… just a boy from Stockport who joined the club at the age of 4. He’s a rare homegrown player for them, and native Englishman (which in this case means white, as that “native Englishman” doubles as exclusionary language, but in a way that’s easily deniable). Normally, you’d think this type of player would play their role in support and then be sold off to a second-tier Premier League club to cover the cost of importing global superstars on an annual basis. But Foden’s flirted with being too good to get rid of, contributing more and more. His big breakout moment was probably last October during the Manchester derby’s home match for City, where he got his first career hat trick, at the tender age of 22, in City’s 6-3 stomping of United. The racialists loved him even more after that day.

#14: NATHAN AKÉ – I like Aké simply because of him and Virgil van Dijk being such a fun and threatening combo on the Dutch national team defensive line. Because of this I mostly try to overlook the fact Aké plays for Manchester City, even though he in fact does. He got a contract extension after the Champions League win, and seems to work well with Akanji and plug and playable along multiple positions on defense. Aesthetically speaking though, his dreadlocked appearance likely reached its pinnacle (thus far) during a loan period at Watford years ago. Such a handsome figure’s natural shine is dulled by that Man City crypto blue color.

#15: AYMERIC LAPORTE – Laporte has been a center back at Man City since the winter transfer window in 2018, and one thing has become clear about Aymeric Laporte since then… he’s gonna get injured. In fact, his existence seems to be intertwined with John Stones at this point, where Stones doesn’t seem quite perfect enough, so Laporte starts clawing his way back into starting role, but then Laporte gets injured, and Stones regains control. It’s been this multi-season ebb and flow with them. Thus far, Laporte hasn’t gone away, but with Rúben Dias and now the pending signing of Joško Gvardiol from RB Leipzig, Laporte will be expendable, and likely elsewhere. Going back to La Liga and his old club Athletic Bilbao seems likely.

#16: JULIÁN ÁLVAREZ – An Argentine forward who, though he technically signed with Man City in January of 2022, joined the club at the same time as Erling Haaland, so despite being a big deal himself, was buried behind the far bigger deal. Álvarez came over from River Plate, and was left there on loan to finish out the first half of the year with River. He also was a young member of the Argentine national team that finally won the World Cup with Messi. Álvarez contributed 17 goals last season across all competitions, and that was usually as a sub. He’s got Copa Libertadores titles with River Plate, plus the World Cup, and last season’s treble at Man City, so it’s hard not to assume that even though he’s a supporting cast member in some of those situations, there’s a stroke of universal benevolence that comes with Julián Álvarez being on the squad. He’s only 23, so it’ll be interesting to see how his career progresses. He’s exactly the type of player I’d like to be seeing running wild at like AC Milan or Napoli (the classical young Argentine goal, although to be fair to the spirit of Maradona, young Álvarez comes from a bastard River Plate lineage, not the wild and wonderful realm of Boca Juniors).

#17: JOÃO CANCELO – Cancelo became expendable by Pep Guardiola’s standards, and was loaned to Bayern Munich the second half of last season, so missed out on all the big treble run. There’s been a lot of speculation and talk around Cancelo though, with some big clubs rumored to be interested (Barcelona, Arsenal), and Cancelo looking good during the preseason. But the fact of the matter is if you’ve fallen out of favor with that egotistical little shit Pep Guardiola, you’re not coming back. Look at how he treated Yaya Touré. Cancelo will be better off elsewhere, and somewhere else will be better off with him.

#18: RICO LEWIS – Rico Lewis got 14 appearances in Premier League matches last season, despite still only being 18. Still way down the depth chart, wearing the extraordinarily high number 82, but having joined the club at the age of 8, they’ll keep developing him, seemingly with a loan to a high profile Championship club this season, with both the recently relegated Southampton and Leeds United high on the youngster to help them claw their way back into the Premier League from the 46-match long (and even longer if you go the playoff route) Championship scrum.

#19: STEFAN ORTEGA – Ortega fills the complicated role of a high-caliber second GK, which is always a weird puzzle to figure out, because nobody at the highest level wants to know they’re gonna get like 5 starts a season, with 3 of them being the Carabao Cup. Ortega had quietly excelled for his youth club, Arminia Bielefeld, in the Bundesliga for a couple seasons, doing well enough against top competition that Man City brought him in last season on a free transfer as cover for Ederson. He’s already 30, so not a young back-up, but Ortega excelled in his limited playing time, including appearing in every match of City’s FA Cup run, and only allowing a single goal in six FA Cup matches. Throw in a handful of PL matches to give Ederson a rest, and being able to handle lesser competition during Champions League group stage matches, and Ortega’s about as perfect a second GK as a club like Man City could hope for. He’s a natural beta but with alpha performance capabilities, and will likely help the club make a profit off him when they sell him back to like RB Leipzig next summer.

#20: SERGIO GÓMEZ – Gómez spent 8 years in Barcelona’s incomparable youth academy, before moving to Germany and joining Borussia Dortmund as a teenager. Even with Dortmund, he was sold off to Anderlecht in Belgium, rather than held onto, and after a strong season there, was part of Man City’s influx of players last summer, in fact making his club debut as sub for Erling Haaland last August. Gómez doesn’t have the massive presence Haaland does, but can hold his own. Somehow though, it feels like this is a bigger stage than he needs to be on, and he’d be better served on personal level getting regular playing time somewhere, with La Liga seemingly making perfect sense. But Manchester City can afford to stockpile players, not only for themselves, but to deny others, and I often think about multiverse string theory, and what might have been if a guy like Gómez never left Barca’s youth academy back in the day, and remained there instead of getting lost wandering the Earth looking for a metaphysical home that never does ultimately arrive.

#21: COLE PALMER – Perhaps Cole Palmer is the next Phil Foden, being another young English dude who was a childhood fan of the club, and joined their youth system before the age of 8, progressing up through the ranks, and having a bit of a breakout last season with 25 appearances across all competitions, including 14 PL appearances. He’s also the rare occurrence of an English footballer with a name that sounds like he could be a third-generation Nascar driver.

#22: KALVIN PHILLIPS – In some sense, Kalvin Phillips is a similar story to Grealish’s, as Phillips was adored at Leeds United, where he came up as a youth player, and was a key presence on Marcelo Bielsa’s squad that rose from the Championship back to the Premier League for the first time in nearly two decades. But as Leeds navigated the Premier League and wages, his shine was bound to be cashed out for a big transfer fee while they could. He hasn’t really settled into his role as sub, and the sporadic appearances have to make it hard to find a rhythm as a player. I don’t see him following Grealish’s growth into regular player, and Phillips instead seems like the classic player who can thrive at a smaller PL club (or in that weird tweener state of those half-dozen clubs that bounce between Championship and PL all the time, like Norwich City, Burnley, and Fulham), but just gets lost somewhere like the Etihad. And sadly, with him having left last season, Leeds struggled and dropped back to the Championship again themselves (so don’t be surprised if Phillips doesn’t rejoin them on some sort of loan mid-season if he continues to struggle, and Leeds is chasing getting re-promoted).

#23: RAHEEM STERLING – Yes, due to the nature of our football metaphysics methodology, players who are gone still show up on the 25-man list. The minutes accumulated still count for something, and I’m not really into that “let’s do an annual look at the current roster” because there’s no doubt the old faces that took up a lot of space still carry weight. And despite being a fairly prolific goal-scorer in this time at Man City, he somehow still wasn’t the dominant figure the club desired, which made way for the transfer of Haaland, which gave them exactly what they wanted. Sterling could score goals, but he never broke anybody’s spirit, and there’s actually a big difference there. Goal scorers can aid successful clubs, but you need a spirit breaker to win trebles. It sort of makes perfect sense that the by all means good but not quite great Raheem Sterling is now settled in at Chelsea, where club stature matches individual perfectly.

#24: GABRIEL JESUS – Jesus (along with next name Oleksandr Zinchenko) made the move to Arsenal last season, as the final piece of Mikel Arteta’s Operation Gabriel, accumulating as many Brazilian dudes named Gabriel as possible. The magic worked briefly, but failed to deliver the PL title that was teased early in the season. Jesus had a great first season with the Gunners, despite being injured for three months towards the end of the season. In fact, Jesus’s injury, along with William Saliba on defense, can’t be overlooked as to why Arsenal crumbled in the end.

#25: OLEKSANDR ZINCHENKO – Our last name on the list spent a half decade toiling amongst Man City’s always crowded roster. Shockingly, Zinchenko is still only 26, so plenty of tread left on them tires, especially considering he was never a full-time starter at the Etihad. In fact, after his move to Arsenal last season, he got more PL appearances in a single season than he ever had with Man City. Of course, Arsenal had that fabulous collapse last season, letting Man City surpass them in the spring stretch, so Zinchenko’s failure demons may be speaking more loudly now. A Ukrainian, and despite Russian being his first language, when the invasion of Ukraine took place, he posted on social media that he wished for Vladimir Putin to suffer a most painful death. He, of course, deleted the post after handlers were like “what the fuck bro?” But a sort of ugly dirt dog Ukrainian fuck is kinda perfect for Arsenal, and never really meshed with the Man City aesthetic entirely.

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: FC BAYERN MUNICH

{Kingsley sealing the deal last CL final}

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football metaphysics methodology based off the foundation of minutes played over the past 100 competitive matches for a club, determining which 25 players constitute the strongest psychic force on a club’s current path. Intuitive analysis, performed mostly from an un-American “soccer” fan’s perspective is added. Ideally, we do this twice a month, cycling through English Premier League clubs, because it’s the top domestic English-speaking league on Earth, and as un-American miscreants and mongrels, our staff of writers were born saddled with this limited, segmented tongue of the global colonizer, oppressor, and capitalizer. To some extent, we hate the English, but also America, and likely ourselves. Core staff is Raven Mack (chairman), Paul Robertson (director tecnico), and Neil Bulson (director rudo) from America, with additional input from Dan Brookes and Jude Riley as English consultants, and American soccer game expert and MLS aficionado Mike Dikk. Venmo @ravenmack23.]

Bayern Munich is essentially the senior club of Germany, having won the Bundesliga 17 out of the last 24 seasons, including eight straight. In fact, in this period, they’ve also had nine doubles (including the DFB-Pokal), as well as trebles last season and in 2013, when they won the Champions League as well. At this point, other German clubs – even their closest competition in Borussia Dortmund – are feeder clubs for Bayern, where someone might get a season or two run (like RB Leipzig is currently enjoying), but Bayern is going to be able to swoop in and purchase whoever they want domestically, as well as import whatever top-tier talent from elsewhere in the world they so desire. Recent seasons have essentially broken down to a first half sort of powering up, where Bayern Munich does not yet dominated the Bundesliga table, and often times finds itself down a few notches, while also ploughing their way through group stage play in the Champions League. All of this builds momentum so as the calendar turns into the second half of the season, they start to move ahead in Bundesliga’s table at the same time Champions League knockouts get going, hitting a higher-speed of momentum to pull away in German competition, and advance as far as possible in the Champions League brackets. Right now, they sit only 2 points ahead of the surging RB Leipzig, and also seem solid to secure advancement in the Champions League to the quarterfinals. In a month’s time, if recent patterns hold true, they’ll start to pull away in Bundesliga, usually locking that up a few weeks early in the season (at the very least), and they’ll continue to be a tough out in the Champions League, where they’ll be looking to only the second club to repeat in the past thirty years, and the first German club to do it since they themselves won the old European Cup three years in a row in the mid-‘70s. This is not a club competing against other German competition so much as part of the small conversation of elite European clubs in this fucked up era of footballing powerhouses built off the self-perpetuation of incomparable revenue. Bayern is more of this than even other elite clubs, having operated at a profit for nearly three decades (pre-pandemic stats), run in classic German economic fashion, as a commercial marketing powerhouse. In fact, the club earns less on match day revenue and broadcasting rights than other top European clubs, but more than makes up for it by that commercial revenue they roll in. The club owns itself, so to speak, like a stock company but with privately owned stock. This make-up owns 75% of the club, with the other quarter strategically sold off to major corporate investors over the past 20 years to Adidas apparel, Audi automotive company, and Allianz financial services group. Those investments were used to build and payoff their Allianz Arena – one of the most state-of-the-art stadiums in Europe. The motherfucker changes colors. So what we have here in this Bayern Munich club is not so much one competing against the rest of Germany, but one that has already staked the upper echelon of German football, and muscled everybody else from getting close. They are competing against Europe’s heavyweights, and you can best believe when those shitty discussions of a European Super League are secretly held, Bayern Munich is a key voice in that, and on the shortest of short lists to be part of that.

Interesting aside, would that also inadvertently pull in Borussia Dortmund, to have a domestic rival as well? And if you pulled the both of them out of the Bundesgliga, what’s left? Well, pretty much what’s already there – minor successes and hopes of upsetting the balance of power at the top, before having your stars sold off to those more powerful clubs. It’s just the likes of Borussia Monchengladbach and RB Leipzig wouldn’t get to play directly against Bayern Munich if a super league was ever formed. Hopefully that blasphemous pipe dream is a capitalistic casualty of the global pandemic. But who knows? These rich bastards who make all the decisions have no shortage of greed. They remain economic strikers of the most innate sort, never tempted to fall back on a defensive position for the austerity of humanity.

Anyways, here’s the top 25 men who’ve had the most prominent influence on this club over the course of their past 100 competitive matches, up until the beginning of February. This time period saw them win their 29th and 30th Bundesliga title, their 19th and 20th DFB-Pokal trophies, their 6th European title, and their second Club World Cup. The bulk of this time has been under the charge of Hans-Dieter Flick, who stepped into the managerial role after serving as an assistant under previous manager Niko Kovac, who left in November of 2019. That was during one of their hardest first-half sputters in recent memory, which hadn’t cost them anything to that point, but was not dominant enough to maintain that Bayern Munich standard. Since then, it’s been nothing but glory for Flick, who already has a continental treble at the highest level of club football. Throw in the German Super Cup, UEFA Super Cup, and Club World Cup – all of which Bayern won in the past year, and you have a man that has given one of the most successful clubs in European football its first ever sextuple… stereotypical German efficiency, to the highest possible level it’s been seen so far. [RAVEN]

#1: MANUEL NEUER – Neuer is Bayern Munich’s (and the German national team) captain, and has been minding the box for a decade now. In fact, Bayern’s current run of nine straight Bundesliga titles began in Neuer’s second season after having come over from Schalke 04. Despite missing most of 2017-18, and parts of the seasons around that, due to injuries, for the most part Neuer has been the foundation from which Bayern has developed this current global super power status. In fact, the question becomes, who will follow Neuer? Well, a decade later, Bayern has gotten another GK from Schalke 04, this past June, in the form of Alexander Nubel, who is being groomed as Neuer’s replacement down the road. Nubel gave Neuer rest during the DFB-Pokal cup, and even started Bayern’s Champions League group stage match against Atletico Madrid this past December. But Neuer is still a heavyweight figure in German football, and barring injury, he’ll hold his position for one more season I’d imagine. (I often imagine about German goalkeepers, to be honest.) [RAVEN]

#2: THOMAS MULLER – One slightly annoying modern trend is the endless need to have elaborate descriptions of player’s roles. There are inverted false sixes and registas all over the place. Muller, Germany’s most decorated player, is famously a Raumdeuter, a space invader. He came up with this himself in an interview. He is not the first to title himself. Paul Ince, when he was a force in the English game, was known as ‘The Self-Styled Guvner’. Never ‘The Guvner’ alone, Ince was never allowed to forget that he had invented his own moniker, that he was self-styled. Quite right too. Nobody should get away with that kind of onanism so, in the interests of balance, I hereby declare Thomas Muller ‘The Self-Styled Raumdeuter’. The descriptor means he gets about; he pops up here and there. Essentially, he plays between the lines and makes an endless nuisance of himself. Part of the reason why many have sought to explain Muller’s role is that players who have that free role are usually a bit tasty. Nobody ever asked Dennis Bergkamp why he was floating around between the opposition defence and attack because imminently he would do something glorious and we would need know nothing further. Muller is not glorious, he is effective, not technically bad but not special. The numbers though, the goals, the assists, they are a bit special. Last season Muller managed to provide over 20 assists in a Bayern team that won everything. This season he has 10 more and 10 goals to go with them. It probably does not hurt having Lewandowski to knock in those half-crosses Muller drifts over from the edge of the box, but it also does not hurt Lewandowski to have Muller nearby. This utilitarian gimmick could all be a bit annoying, a bit Bayern, a bit Eurocrat – he even looks like a mid-ranking Formula One driver – but in the age of the Super-Footballer, it has been refreshing to have someone so aesthetically mundane be consistently one of the world’s leading players. None of these dull yet sublime talents matter to Germany coach Jogi Löwe who has decided the Munich attacker is no longer of use to him and has exiled him from the national side. German football has never required the advice of an Englishman and never will but if the DFB should call, I would happily suggest that getting rid of Löwe is a better plan than getting rid of ‘The Self-Styled Raumdeuter’. [JUDE]

#3: ROBERT LEWANDOWSKI – The whiteness of being American white male is often presented as this grand culmination of western civilization, as if Columbus set out in the 1400s to establish a giant land mass full of Hitler’s eventual delusions, to just sit around in weird-looking suits, being so fucking smart they didn’t have to do shit. But the reality of American whiteness for the majority of us is not nearly as Skull and Bones Society pristine. It’s more like a burn barrel full of various European trashes, emitting a horrible smell as different shades of clear plastics get transmogrified into a melted, fused hunk of hardened glob. Even if a lot of white people in America subconsciously still believe in white supremacy, we are – at our core – just a giant melted blob of European trash, walking around, trying to survive late capitalist life, applying mythologies that no longer have teeth to keep ourselves from overdosing on opioids in our work truck by the railroad tracks, stretching that half-hour lunch out to an eternity. I mean, that’s the American Dream, right? The Polish quarter of the melted plastic bottle that is dirtgod raven mack was my maternal grandfather, who taught me to shut the fuck up and be responsible, even if it sucks. He also looked about 97 years old his entire life, even when I was young. These are both Polish metaphysics. You are supposed to be a shitty hard-working loser, and you will look old. Somehow, Robert Lewandowski has confused the first part though, because rather than be some solid but broody GK, or a technically proficient center back who stacks yellow cards strategically, but never gets a straight red, Lewandowski scores goals. Who the fuck ever told a Polish boy he could score goals like that? This fucker got 5 in 9 minutes one time, famously. No natural born Polish man should be a slayer of defensive spirits like that. Thus, I cannot imagine how hard life must have been for Polish youth who grew up in footballing systems with Lewandowski, attuned culturally to stout defensive lifestyles, who had this fucking Lewandowski kid blasting goals past them. As much as Lewandowski has become an international superstar and face for the Polish national team, he likely destroyed the spirits of countless potential defenders and GKs, early on. Nonetheless, it seems almost impossible for a 49-year-old looking Polish striker to end up in any European super domestic league other than Germany. England or the Mediterranean just aren’t conducive to this type of human being. Thus, with only Germany making sense, there’s only two real options in Dortmund and Bayern. And naturally, these are exactly the two clubs Lewandowski has played for since coming over premier Polish club Lech Poznan back in the day, over a decade ago. The question for me regarding metaphysics becomes can a force like this ever fulfill the footballing prodigal son arc? Does he end up back at Legia Warsaw in his twilight years, back in the town he grew up in, first playing as an unregistered youth player? Of course not. That story has been ruined by global football’s money, so after a couple seasons in China or Turkey or wherever there is an ambitious domestic league with far more cash flow than tradition in four or five years. He (and his wife) are involved in a lot of philanthropy in Warsaw, and invests in a lot of shit, so perhaps he shows back up in a Polish boardroom. But then again, he’s a striker, not a defender, and coming back from whence you came is a parking the bus mentality, more likely to get involved in football in some guaranteed payoff rather than slugging it through an established pyramid. You know what that means… future MLS club Milwaukee or Baltimore Bohemian, somewhere where there’s a bunch of historical Polish people but also is rapidly being gentrified with microbreweries and less poors, thus prime MLS location. I can’t wait to be jaded about it (which comes to me naturally, because of my Polish grandfather on my mother’s side). [RAVEN]

#4: DAVID ALABA – This dude is literally royalty, the son of a Yoruba Nigerian Prince who also is apparently a rapper and works as a DJ. That’s some crazy Spirit Warrior Energy to be benutted from. So, it’s no surprise that David Alaba has been the heartbeat of Austrian football for a good while, and on the money making scene he has ridden with Bayern Munich for a long stretch, which seems to be just about finishing up. I guess at some point, Bayern Munich tried to swap Alaba to Manchester City for Leroy Sane, which this Nigerian Prince rightly took as a slap to the face. It’s hard to say exactly what will be next for David Alaba, but his dad is a Prince and a rapper and a DJ, so I’m sure he has a lot of other opportunities outside of the sporting world. These European teams don’t know how to properly look after African royalty, and so one would hope that Alaba will take his millions from his German and Austrian benefactors and spice up the Nigerian game as their fucking Prince come home. But, no, in this weirdly fucked world we live in, David Alaba isn’t going to do any of that because he self identifies as an Austrian, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or that one dude, Adolf Hitler, who to be fair tried to self identify as German, which just goes to show how fucked up these things get. Europe is full of aspirational people wanting to access the “cultured” Europe, which is ass backwards for the most parts like people striving to be blue checks on Twitter. But who am I to tell David Alaba how to self-identify? I don’t know, I just think life would be cooler lived as a Nigerian rap Prince. [NEIL]

#5: JOSHUA KIMMICH – Joshua Kimmich – one of Bayern’s most aggressive players on defense – has an ominous scary demeanor at times, for me as an American, reminiscent of old comic book caricatures of Nazi soldiers to be murdered by Sgt. Rock (or Sgt. Fury, the Marvel comics counter to DC’s Sgt. Rock). Side note: it’s sad to think but somewhere, on some disgusting Petri dish of a subreddit, some people are arguing passionately about Sgt. Rock vs. Sgt. Fury. This of course suggests that maybe there were no good guys in the world wars. Or that maybe even if you are good at one point, for vanquishing a global evil, you may very well become a global evil yourself. Maybe empires are like vampires, sharing more than etymology, and by destroying an evil empire, you in turn become poisoned with that same curse. This has nothing to do with Joshua Kimmich, who is not even a Nazi, but just a mean-mugging German defender. He was born in Rottweil, which is where the world’s meanest dogs originated too. In fact, what the fuck, German shepherds and Rottweilers come from Germany? What kinda fucking place is that? I’m glad post-World Wars, the Germans have channeled all their aggression into business efficiency, like the father who got a restraining order against his ex but is also trying to keep up visitation with his children, so just throws himself entirely into his profession. I fear whatever happens later in world history when capitalism inevitably fails, and the Germans go back to being jobless Germans. [RAVEN]

#6: SERGE GNABRY – Former Arsenal prospect who ended up going home to Germany, and has become a Bayern key in the past couple seasons, and been a part of them quintupling on trophies this past calendar year. In a metaphysical sense, Gnabry continues to ascend, benefitting from the exit of longtime creep Franck Ribery, which freed up the Universal God number of 7 for Gnabry to takeover. He promptly got his first-ever hat trick in his first Bundesliga match wearing the 7. Only 25, with strong spirit warrior potential, it will be interesting to watch how his development is allowed to continue to ascend in the German ranks. Bayern will want a scoring threat, certainly, but they won’t tolerate any loose cannons. I’d assume Gnabry, as a native German (German mother, Ivorian father, but born and lived in Germany most all his life), would be welcome for as long as he feels fit with Bayern. But man, I’d love to see a dude like this turned loose in Italy or Spain instead. But once you hit a certain level of status, there’s only a select few clubs who can afford you in your prime, and the spots are limited. [RAVEN]

#7: BENJAMIN PAVARD – Handsome young French right back who, after cutting his teeth and making his top-level club name at Stuttgart, was bought up by Bayern in January of 2019. Red kit doesn’t complement his strong jawline features all that well though, and would ideally benefit, aesthetically, from a move back to France, for a club in a good blue color, preferably bright, not dark. The dull, deep blue as seen in the French national team’s recent kits just drains the beauty of a young man’s face, and the effects this has on psyche cannot be underestimated. When you look in that mirror before going out to conquer some fuckin’ club, you want to look fresh to death – not depleted, broody, and suffering from anemia. Right now, Pavard can overlook this because Bayern is so much better than the majority of their competition. He doesn’t have to be fresh to death because he so rarely is fighting to the death, metaphorically, for real. [RAVEN]

#8: JEROME BOATENG – This dude is a picture of what happens when you become an elite Euro footballer. He comes from Ghanaian parents and his brother also kicks along the international footballing wire, but Jerome settled in nice and deep in Bayern Munich and has won a lot of glory with them. He’s also run into that trap of getting with models and likely that high society cocaine game, having kids with multiple women and just generally trading up the snatch tree. The dude is hungry. I get it. You’re young, rich, with a sleeked out body and big dick and there are these women everywhere, and the more you keep playing the game, the wilder and hotter they probably get. But unfortunately for Jerome, his latest hookup, a Polish model named Kasia Lenhardt, is (or was, we’ll get to that) one of those wild child free spirit hot as the sun will burn your house down types, and she got in a bunch of trouble stealing his mini cooper and drunk driving it into a car crash, but that wasn’t the end of it as a little bit later on, she was found dead in her Berlin apartment, apparently a suicide but my man Boateng here is this close to catching an OJ image if he’s not careful. He’s taken an understandable leave of absence but shit, man, I think he’s at the point in his career and life where he needs to look in the mirror and hope he doesn’t see some coke nose bleed or some shit. Drink some water and maybe fade out with a big money Turkish club. [NEIL]

#9: ALPHONSO DAVIES – As an America, I remain constantly intrigued by American dudes playing at the top clubs in Europe. Shit, I remain intrigued by them playing anywhere but America, to be honest. The American system is fucked, and stunts player growth and development. But Canada is pretty much part of that same system. You just don’t see many Canadians making a name anywhere beyond MLS. That’s why Alphonso Davies is so weird. Davies is a Liberian kid, born in a refugee camp in Ghana, as part of the crisis after the Second Liberian Civil War at the turn of the century. After five transient years, his family relocated to Edmonton, Canada. And while he surely was exposed to football as a refugee, he never played organized football until joining an after-school youth league for poor kids in Edmonton. One of the biggest issues with North American soccer is how expensive it is at the youth level, and how that denies a lot of the potential talent pool from an early age. Somehow Davies nutmegged that problem, through a couple of local clubs, and ended up signed to the Vancouver Whitecaps at the age of 16. In his 2016 debut for the senior Whitecaps club, he was the second-youngest ever player in MLS history. That shit might still be true, I don’t know. He excelled immediately in MLS, and European clubs came calling. Bayern Munich snatched him up, and he spent time on their second team but has been a consistent member of their line-ups the past year or so. Part of that success is simply because of that one after-school program for inner-city kids in Edmonton, he completely bypassed the normal youth league system in North America, which feeds the collegiate system here, which means young prospects are mired in a four-year residency as an amateur when they should be developing professionally. Davies skipped all that, so while his peers at the same age are playing as student-athletes at American colleges, Davies is cashing fat assed checks and competing in the Champions League – the European one, not North America. [RAVEN]

#10: LEON GORETZKA – Watching Bayern from afar is an occasional pleasure (and I use ‘pleasure’ advisedly inasmuch as it is no pleasure to see a team of rational megastars power their way to inevitable victory year on year). The gap of one viewing a season usually means when the newest Bayern team take the field there is always one guy you (I) have never heard of. Arrogantly you (I) think ‘ah, giving a kid a run out’ until approximately ten minutes later when they’ve smartly ghosted their man and found space in a problematic little pocket for the second time and you say “ah Bayern, you’ve done it again, smartly weighing the probabilities by purchasing a player climbing the ladder outside of your own youth setup or the harsh light of international prospect scouting, well done.” Clipped for free from an ailing Schalke, Goretzka is a total player – pass, head, mental acuity, defensive coverage, versatile, can score – and he’s ruthlessly boring. His Instagram shows a man who fancies himself a GQ proto-James Bond figure. He could as easily be an investment banker as a modern midfielder. This is the modern Bayern post-Ribery and Vidal. Smug, bland, handsome winners. [Dan]

#11: KINGSLEY COMAN – I have had this Mandela Effect thing going on where up until very recently I thought the Bayern Munich logo actually said BAYERN MUNICH and not BAYERN MUNCHEN which I assume is the German word for Munich??? Isn’t Munich already a German word? Munchen isn’t some phonetic spelling unless I’m missing something. Why aren’t we all calling it Munchen? Especially American soccer fans who tend to be....a type. I am not that type. TRUST ME I am not. I don’t think anyone who is writing for this is that type either, but yeah it seems the American soccer fan would have “well actually’d” the proper way to say Munich or Munchen or whatever the fuck. Anyway, Kingsley Coman is a very great somewhat still young player who looks like he was generated in the soccer player lab just like all the top-level guys are. It’s weird when you watch some old documentary showing like a late 70s average English league player and he looks like a teacher you would have bullied in 7th grade but now every top-level guy is a genetic dynamo that doesn’t look real. If I looked at Kingsley without knowing jack shit about him and was asked to guess his job and the level he was at said job, I would guess “Elite level soccer player” within milliseconds. [MIKE]

#12: NIKLAS SULE – Sule is a Bayern defensive anchor of sorts, and the perfect example of how everyone else in the Bundesliga ends up being a feeder club for Bayern. Sule actually was part of a number of different youth systems, but ended up at 1899 Hoffenheim, where he moved from youth to second team to first team. Dude even tore his ACL as his star was rising, but upon returning, played in almost every match for them for two straight seasons, aiding their Champions League qualification for the first time in club history in 2016-17. Before he could play for them in the Champions League though, Bayern came in and swooped him up. He’s been a key player on defense, except last season when he tore his ACL again. Strangely, despite this being his 9th season in the Bundesliga, and having come back from multiple ACL tears, Sule is only 25. How is that possible? [RAVEN]

#13: LUCAS HERNANDEZ – French defender whose elite club pedigree is pretty solid, having only played professionally thus far Atletico Madrid and Bayern Munich. Only 25, but also empowered by the most significant of Aquarian birthdays of Valentine’s Day, thus surely a formidable spirit warrior at some level, although that may be lost in Bayern’s crowded but German locker room. (I also have that same birthday, so I know the weight it lays upon your heart’s shoulders.) [RAVEN]

#14: CORENTIN TOLISSO – Why are there so many French dudes at Bayern? Had a paternal heritage of Togolese, and Togo recruited him heavily to play for them at international level, but Tolisso remained true to the nation he was born and raised in, and was part of that 2018 World Cup-winning club that was referred to in some media circles as Africa’s first World Cup champions, due to all the sons of African immigrants that populated the team. [RAVEN]

#15: THIAGO ALCANTARA – Alcantara left Bayern for Liverpool this past September, in an ultra-prestigious jump between the previous two Champions League-winning clubs. In fact, Alcantara’s professional resume is about as elite as it gets for a dude with a decade of play under his belt, having played only for Barcelona, Bayern Munich, and now Liverpool. He was a young role player when Barca won the Champions League in 2011, and obviously played a more prominent role this past season when he won his second Champions League with Bayern. Of course, in his second match with Liverpool, Richarlison straight fucked him up, which sidelined Alcantara for several months. His transfer was a major splash for Liverpool, who positioned themselves as a continental destination with that move. Of course, that shit ain’t panning out like they thought it was going to. And Bayern Munich’s just kicking back counting the cash. Fuckin’ Germans. [RAVEN]

#16: LEROY SANE – Funnily enough, I just mentioned Leroy here in my David Alaba write-up because Alaba was offended that Bayern Munich wanted to swap him with Leroy to Man City, but that didn’t happen and yet Leroy Sane found himself with Bayern Munich anyway. I’m sure nothing is awkward between the two, it’s not them who are making these deals but their parasite agents and club owners. But anyway, Leroy Sane is a German born talent who has made a living both scoring and setting up goals for his teammates in that central winger type role where you are half a facilitator of the football and half a goal sniffer and half a credible defensive presence which is way too many halfs but that is the responsibility for some of these dudes. Better said, he’s the sort of integral part of any top flight footballing machine that might go overlooked but does a million jobs for you. He started out kicking it with Schalke before making his name with Manchester City, where he was a pain in the ass sort that I’m glad to be rid of now that he has found his natural home at Bayern Munich. It was probably always leading to this place for him, and now it’s just up to him to cement his place there or be discarded to the Turks. Life is what you make of it. [NEIL]

#17: JAVI MARTINEZ – Spaniards confuse my American brain, because Spanish names here usually mean that classic Latin mix of races that has given us our best football here, the best professional wrestling, and some of the greatest flea market stands too to be honest. Male model European Spaniards with the name Javi Martinez completely fuck me up, because I’m expecting a chill dude I can try to shoot the shit with wherever our two sets of broken languages meet – both first and second tongues (because none of us speak a proper version of even our first language). But instead I get some guy who looks like he’s going to call the cops on me for simply existing in the same spaces. And why is such a Spaniard even in Germany? What sordid shit has happened behind the scenes in Javi Martinez’s life to cause all this? [RAVEN]

#18: PHILIPPE COUTINHO – It is easy to forget that Phil Coutinho is the third most expensive player ever. While there have been moments of real brilliance, it has been a strange career. After a teenage failure at Inter, where expectations were too high and a more promising loan spell with Pochettino’s Espanyol, he made an immediate impact for Brendan Rodgers’s fragile yet at times thrilling Liverpool side eventually becoming the team’s most important player once Gerrard waned and Suarez bit his way to Barcelona. When the chance came to link up again with Suarez and with Messi at Barcelona, it appeared the intuitively gifted Brazilian had reached the pinnacle of the game. However, the only winner of the deal were Liverpool who famously spent the money on Van Dijk and Alisson while Barcelona faded and failed and Coutinho seemed lost especially as his erstwhile colleagues beat Barcelona 4-0 on the way to a Champions League triumph. A middling-at-best eighteen months at Camp Nou saw Barca try to sell the player but with the high price tag, there were no takers and he ended up at Bayern on loan. The deal only embellished Bayern’s position as the best run major club in Europe. Though a host of books and essays have poured praise on other teams’ business brilliance, remind yourself that in the last decade Bayern have had both Coutinho and James Rodriguez play for them at their peak, for a limited period, with no commitment to buy, for a fraction of what their parent clubs paid for them and with better results. They did not even have to treat them well, using them as bit-part men – luxury  substitutes. In his most notable contribution in Bavaria Phil came off the bench against Barcelona for Bayern and scored twice in the Munich team’s 8-2 drubbing of the Catalans. He did not appear particularly joyous, doubtless already aware that Bayern were not going down on one knee for him and he would have to return to his loveless marriage with Barcelona. Which leads me to argue that Coutinho to Barcelona is the worst transfer of all time. He has contributed both directly and indirectly to Barcelona’s ignominious Champions League exits for two successive years at enormous expense to Barcelona while also being ineffective when playing for them. When you think about it, if you are callous, as I am, and if you are a Liverpool fan, as I am, and if you are still bitter about his exit from Anfield, as I am, then it is all truly, very funny. And hopefully this is not the end. I want more Barcelona pain at the hands of little Phillipe. I dream of a return to Espanyol on a free transfer at the end of an abject Barca stay, only for the old magic to re-emerge, leading to a Phil hat-trick in the Derbi Barceloni to relegate Barcelona….in Messi’s first season as manager….Guardiola and Pique weeping in the stands…with their kids….and it’s raining. [JUDE]

#19: IVAN PERISIC – Periodic spent all last season on loan to Bayern from Inter Milan. Bayern chose not to make a permanent deal for the Croatian winger, so back to Italy he went, where Inter is in first place, contending for their first Serie A title in a decade, hoping to upset Juventus’s nine-year run as the Kings of Italian football. And it’s impossible to be the biggest asshole on a club that includes Lukaku, Alexis Sanchez, Arturo Vidal, and even Christian Eriksen. What a fuckin’ collection that is. [RAVEN]

#20: JAMAL MUSIALA – German players get first-team time way earlier than England, and Jamal Musiala cracks this list despite only having turned 18 in the past month. He has both German and English heritage through his parents (plus Nigerian), and just as he forsook Chelsea’s youth system to return to his native Germany to join Bayern Munich’s youth academy a few years back, he just announced he would represent Germany, not England at the senior international level after turning 18. But most importantly, his existence means there will be a notable surge in Germans named Jamal in the coming years. Looking forward to what that sub-genre of Germans named Jamal adds to Earthly culture. [RAVEN]

#21: DOUGLAS COSTA – Brazilian winger that has the weirdest club path thing where he was once contracted to Bayern, but got loaned to Juventus when he had no role on the club. That earned a permanent move to Juventus, where he featured for a couple seasons, but now no longer has a role on the club, so has been loaned back to Bayern, somehow. He also played for half a decade for Shakhtar Donetsk, and I would like to read long-winded essays about black Brazilians playing in the Ukraine. Send them to me if you got them. [RAVEN]

#22: BOUNA SARR – French winger and back who runs the whole right edge of the pitch, who made his first move outside his native France this past October, joining Bayern Munich on a four-year deal. His parents are Senegalese and Guinean, and he got the call from the Guinean national team in 2014, but passed on the offer. He also got feelers from the Senegalese team in 2018, and turned that one down as well. I guess he just doesn’t want to play international football, because even if cracking a top squad like Bayern Munich, he’s 29 now, and not exactly gaining ground on the crowded French national team stage. [RAVEN]

#23: ERIC MAXIM CHOUPO-MOTING – What do we make of the career path of a player like Choupo-Moting? Coming through the youth system in his native Hamburg to not-quite crack the first team, EMCM left for Mainz to play Bundesliga football of a lesser stripe. His work rate, speed, and versatility across the front line brought him goals and acclaim, leading Schalke to knock on his door. EMCM holds his stats but Schalke falter and our man seeks the big overseas move years of thankless effort deserve. He gets it: the bright lights of Stoke beckon! But Stoke are relegated in a season where no player covered themselves in glory. EMCM is dropped into the Championship and doesn’t even come off the bench. A golden lifeline is handed as ex-boss Thomas Tuchel gives him a call from his PSG hotseat to reward those years of toil at the Mainz coalface. EMCM lands on his feet and pockets two Ligue 1 winners medal from a fairly fringe position in the PSG squad. In the COVID panic he wound down his PSG contract and jumped to Bayern where he has been even less of a force, scoring against chumps in cup games already won. We can say ‘here is a guy who thinks he has what it takes at the top level and repeatedly tries to crack it’. Or we can say ‘here is a guy who is only really loved at those mid-table/relegation candidates and is absolutely stealing a living warming the great benches of Europe’. Neither is unfair. It’s certainly the career path of a guy who won’t live up to his admittedly excellent name. Sad. [Dan]

#24: MARC ROCA – Spanish midfielder who is one of those rare players to have played for the Catalan autonomous national team, but not the Spanish national team yet. Catalonia has always maintained an autonomous team that has played well over 200 matches over the past century, including with more regularity since 1997, as the Catalan independence movement has grown. Footballing genius Johan Cruyff even managed Catalonia for a while a decade back. All Catalonia players are legally residents of Spain, so play for the Spanish team when good enough. Thus far, Roca’s most prominent shots at the Spanish national team were when he was part of their U-21 squad for the 2019 UEFA European Championships, at the age of 22. I do not know what sort of corrupt lawyerball was being played, but regardless of Spain, Catalonia, Europe, or Americas, 22 is not under 21. At least I don’t think so. Are metric years different? [RAVEN]

#25: JOSHUA ZIRKZEE – Bayern stays stocked up on young talent – so much so that Zirkzee, only 19, is somewhat expendable. There was a transfer battle between England’s Everton and Italy’s Parma to secure a loan for the young Zirkzee this past January. Parma won, and secured an option to seal a permanent deal at the end of the loan, too. So Zirkzee is playing in Serie A, for a potentially relegated club, thus likely to come back to Bayern – because a relegated club is not going to choose the option to buy – and get shuttled off again. Although the other side of that, after a promising start with Bayern as potential striker for the future, that stalled out more recently, Zirkzee could find his goal-poaching form again, help Parma survive this season, and find a place with Bayern even again. But as a Dutch player, his absolute worst case scenario is pretty good: he ends up back in Eredivisie with Ajax or PSV Eindhoven, and not only plays continental football to a minimal extent, but schools the young international talents passing through about the pitfalls of top level European club football. So many options compared to being the token-American player to manufacture US interest. [RAVEN]