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Showing posts with label s14-beisbols. Show all posts
Showing posts with label s14-beisbols. Show all posts
Sunday, November 1
Saturday, January 3
S14: 2008 MLB Best Payroll-Per-Victory Rates
This is the opposite end of the spectrum of that last payroll per victory for Major League Baseball teams thing that I put up a while back. I had meant to be more immediate with this, but hey, often times regular life interrupts my own ridiculous internal nerdery. It is a great source of frustration, as I'd like nothing better than to sit around and waste my body completely letting my mind wander through useless date. But no, I have to go do shit all the time. Anyways, this list is of teams that had the lowest amount of payroll per regular season (and postseason when applicable) victories they achieved.
#1: Florida Marlins ($259,660.71 per victory) - Ever since Wayne Huizenga gutted this team after that first World Series, they’ve consistently been in one of the top three or four spots when I do this. Their payroll this year was almost half of the next lowest team, and they still competed well enough. It makes me wish the AL and NL were separate leagues in more than just having a DH, so that the NL could institute salary caps for their teams, and let the Yankees and Red Sox continue driving the cost of doing baseball up ridiculously high in the AL.
#2: Tampa Bay Rays ($417,339.02 per victory) - Your shocking AL champions, who upset the glorious kingdoms of Boston and New York to win the AL East and make it all the way through to the World Series. They signed a couple of their previously unknown budding superstars (namely Evan Longoria, who is gay married to Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs) to healthy contracts, meaning they will be doomed in two years kind of like how the Detroit Tigers fucked themselves up. Basically, the entire league other than the Yankees and Red Sox should just play like they are a Triple-A farm club for those two teams, and never think long-term beyond "how many hot prospects can I get for dumping this guy off before his contract expires?"
#3: Oakland Athletics ($639,561.68 per victory) - Billy Beanball continues to make fiscal sense, even if the A's are completely irrelevant. At least they don’t have an Eastern European’s gross national product wrapped up in Barry Zito and Randy Johnson though, like their crosstown franchise the Giants do.
#4: Minnesota Twins ($646,963.25 per victory) - I’ve never actually been to Minnesota so I can’t be sure it actually exists, because the internet lies about all types of shit. Minnesota might be like the Israeli CIA videotaping 9/11 from New Jersey and Bigfoot’s remains in Georgia for all I know.
#5: Pittsburgh Pirates ($726,713.18 per victory) - My only knowledge of the Pirates this past year is somehow they sent Jason Bey to the Red Sox, who sent Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers, who sent like an autographed picture of Tommy Lasorda to the Pirates. Also, Dock Ellis died, who I always thought was a white dude since he claimed he pitched a no-hitter on acid, and I normally assume people who do acid are white, especially if they pitch no-hitters in Major League Baseball. Black people usually play centerfield when they’re young and left field when they’re old, or third base in baseball, unless they are Hispanic black people. I think I’ve always assumed the person I’ve seen who is Bill “Spaceman” Lee, or maybe Tug McGraw’s crazy brother, was actually Dock Ellis. But apparently I was wrong about all that because I saw a scan of a baseball card inside The Secret Clubhouse where Dock Ellis was a black guy.
#6: Kansas City Royals ($776,606.67 per victory) - Why the fuck they don’t have purple uniforms, I’ll never understand, although I’m sure there are plenty of ghetto-fabulous stores in the run-down mall on the south end of town that sell purple Royals hats, as well as plaid ones, lime green ones, black ones, and grey ones with the KC embroidery in a barely different shade of grey.
#7: Arizona Diamondbacks ($807,350.15 per victory) - Sadly, this team, as far as I can remember, is the one that started the tank top jerseys over top of practice shirt trend in baseball, which somehow, despite all the odds, made baseball players look even gayer in a “I called it gay because it’s stupid” sense than previously thought possible. Apologies to Wanda Sykes.
#8: Texas Rangers ($857,118.05 per victory) - Chuck Norris can spinkick four motherfuckers unconscious at once. He still couldn’t beat Billy Jack. That’s why Billy Jack was framed and put in jail. Billy Jack’s real name? Leonard Peltier. Now you know the rest of the story.
#9: Milwaukee Brewers ($889,423.07 per victory) - They worked C.C. Sabathia like a little league team with one good pitcher, and still didn’t do shit to be proud of. Prince Fielder is the greatest name in pro baseball though, since I’ve become tired of Coco Crisp. You know how you can tell baseball is a weak sport? No converted black muslim names in baseball. Baseball even went further in the opposite direction, with converted jew Rod Carew. Yes, in my mind, muslim and jewish are opposite, and muslim is cooler because the Poor Righteous Teachers weren’t jewish. Wait a second... they were on that Haile Selassie kick. I think that might be black jew religiousness. Still, naming your son Prince is high style, although were I to have had a son, we were gonna name him Mountain, but I probably would’ve just called him “Crunch” which is the proper form of Crunchy.
#10: Colorado Rockies ($927,777.03 per victory) - A little known fact is that Denver was awarded an expansion franchise when John Elway beat Burt Reynolds in a bet as to who could carry an urn full of Jackie Gleason’s ashes to Miami to pick up Paul Williams and bring him back to Denver to karoake sing Freddie Mercury songs at the private members only gay bar Elway and Reynolds both hang out at. Burt got Jeff Gordon to drive for him, but Elway, hip to the younger set through him having “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. as a ringtone on his iPhone, got Carl Edwards to drive for him. Carl was hungrier, as Jeff Gordon is highly dedicated to his beard of a trophy wife. After winning, Elway showed Burt Reynolds how Carl Edwards mouth is big enough to fit two penises at once.
#11: Washington Nationals ($931,542.37 per victory) - And they bought my heart, by having the wacky menagerie of fuck-ups they have, all at once.
#12: Philadelphia Phillies ($954,076.50 per victory) - I think in the five or six years I’ve tabulated this thing, this is the first time that both participants of the World Series made the lowest payroll per victory list. I am always glad to see Philadelphia win something, because you look at Boston, basically a bunch of dirtbag white people muddied by Mediterranean blood, and they start winning world titles in American sports leagues, and they become spoiled. Philly people, although also muddied up, are alcoholic enough deep down in their genetics to be retarded like soccer fans about success. Like if soccer was actually popular in America, Philadelphia would be the best place to go see the big soccer games if you wanted to see people catch on fire in the stands.
#13: Cleveland Indians ($974,939.09 per victory) - Cleveland is a hopeless sports town, which is why they put up giant posters of Lebron all over downtown, because he was their ticket to success. Except he’s gotten too big for his baggy britches and is already angling to go to NYC, because if he can become a ridiculously wealthy black man there, he can be a ridiculously wealthy black man everywhere.
#14: Baltimore Orioles ($988,180.09 per victory) - Honestly, I couldn’t name you one Orioles player. I am, however, of the hope that everybody takes to calling them just the O’s, and the rest of the word is forgotten in ten years time. Orioles are one of the meanest, dirtiest, little birds you will ever see. I can’t put BBs in them enough.
#1: Florida Marlins ($259,660.71 per victory) - Ever since Wayne Huizenga gutted this team after that first World Series, they’ve consistently been in one of the top three or four spots when I do this. Their payroll this year was almost half of the next lowest team, and they still competed well enough. It makes me wish the AL and NL were separate leagues in more than just having a DH, so that the NL could institute salary caps for their teams, and let the Yankees and Red Sox continue driving the cost of doing baseball up ridiculously high in the AL.
#2: Tampa Bay Rays ($417,339.02 per victory) - Your shocking AL champions, who upset the glorious kingdoms of Boston and New York to win the AL East and make it all the way through to the World Series. They signed a couple of their previously unknown budding superstars (namely Evan Longoria, who is gay married to Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs) to healthy contracts, meaning they will be doomed in two years kind of like how the Detroit Tigers fucked themselves up. Basically, the entire league other than the Yankees and Red Sox should just play like they are a Triple-A farm club for those two teams, and never think long-term beyond "how many hot prospects can I get for dumping this guy off before his contract expires?"
#3: Oakland Athletics ($639,561.68 per victory) - Billy Beanball continues to make fiscal sense, even if the A's are completely irrelevant. At least they don’t have an Eastern European’s gross national product wrapped up in Barry Zito and Randy Johnson though, like their crosstown franchise the Giants do.
#4: Minnesota Twins ($646,963.25 per victory) - I’ve never actually been to Minnesota so I can’t be sure it actually exists, because the internet lies about all types of shit. Minnesota might be like the Israeli CIA videotaping 9/11 from New Jersey and Bigfoot’s remains in Georgia for all I know.
#5: Pittsburgh Pirates ($726,713.18 per victory) - My only knowledge of the Pirates this past year is somehow they sent Jason Bey to the Red Sox, who sent Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers, who sent like an autographed picture of Tommy Lasorda to the Pirates. Also, Dock Ellis died, who I always thought was a white dude since he claimed he pitched a no-hitter on acid, and I normally assume people who do acid are white, especially if they pitch no-hitters in Major League Baseball. Black people usually play centerfield when they’re young and left field when they’re old, or third base in baseball, unless they are Hispanic black people. I think I’ve always assumed the person I’ve seen who is Bill “Spaceman” Lee, or maybe Tug McGraw’s crazy brother, was actually Dock Ellis. But apparently I was wrong about all that because I saw a scan of a baseball card inside The Secret Clubhouse where Dock Ellis was a black guy.
#6: Kansas City Royals ($776,606.67 per victory) - Why the fuck they don’t have purple uniforms, I’ll never understand, although I’m sure there are plenty of ghetto-fabulous stores in the run-down mall on the south end of town that sell purple Royals hats, as well as plaid ones, lime green ones, black ones, and grey ones with the KC embroidery in a barely different shade of grey.
#7: Arizona Diamondbacks ($807,350.15 per victory) - Sadly, this team, as far as I can remember, is the one that started the tank top jerseys over top of practice shirt trend in baseball, which somehow, despite all the odds, made baseball players look even gayer in a “I called it gay because it’s stupid” sense than previously thought possible. Apologies to Wanda Sykes.
#8: Texas Rangers ($857,118.05 per victory) - Chuck Norris can spinkick four motherfuckers unconscious at once. He still couldn’t beat Billy Jack. That’s why Billy Jack was framed and put in jail. Billy Jack’s real name? Leonard Peltier. Now you know the rest of the story.
#9: Milwaukee Brewers ($889,423.07 per victory) - They worked C.C. Sabathia like a little league team with one good pitcher, and still didn’t do shit to be proud of. Prince Fielder is the greatest name in pro baseball though, since I’ve become tired of Coco Crisp. You know how you can tell baseball is a weak sport? No converted black muslim names in baseball. Baseball even went further in the opposite direction, with converted jew Rod Carew. Yes, in my mind, muslim and jewish are opposite, and muslim is cooler because the Poor Righteous Teachers weren’t jewish. Wait a second... they were on that Haile Selassie kick. I think that might be black jew religiousness. Still, naming your son Prince is high style, although were I to have had a son, we were gonna name him Mountain, but I probably would’ve just called him “Crunch” which is the proper form of Crunchy.
#10: Colorado Rockies ($927,777.03 per victory) - A little known fact is that Denver was awarded an expansion franchise when John Elway beat Burt Reynolds in a bet as to who could carry an urn full of Jackie Gleason’s ashes to Miami to pick up Paul Williams and bring him back to Denver to karoake sing Freddie Mercury songs at the private members only gay bar Elway and Reynolds both hang out at. Burt got Jeff Gordon to drive for him, but Elway, hip to the younger set through him having “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. as a ringtone on his iPhone, got Carl Edwards to drive for him. Carl was hungrier, as Jeff Gordon is highly dedicated to his beard of a trophy wife. After winning, Elway showed Burt Reynolds how Carl Edwards mouth is big enough to fit two penises at once.
#11: Washington Nationals ($931,542.37 per victory) - And they bought my heart, by having the wacky menagerie of fuck-ups they have, all at once.
#12: Philadelphia Phillies ($954,076.50 per victory) - I think in the five or six years I’ve tabulated this thing, this is the first time that both participants of the World Series made the lowest payroll per victory list. I am always glad to see Philadelphia win something, because you look at Boston, basically a bunch of dirtbag white people muddied by Mediterranean blood, and they start winning world titles in American sports leagues, and they become spoiled. Philly people, although also muddied up, are alcoholic enough deep down in their genetics to be retarded like soccer fans about success. Like if soccer was actually popular in America, Philadelphia would be the best place to go see the big soccer games if you wanted to see people catch on fire in the stands.
#13: Cleveland Indians ($974,939.09 per victory) - Cleveland is a hopeless sports town, which is why they put up giant posters of Lebron all over downtown, because he was their ticket to success. Except he’s gotten too big for his baggy britches and is already angling to go to NYC, because if he can become a ridiculously wealthy black man there, he can be a ridiculously wealthy black man everywhere.
#14: Baltimore Orioles ($988,180.09 per victory) - Honestly, I couldn’t name you one Orioles player. I am, however, of the hope that everybody takes to calling them just the O’s, and the rest of the word is forgotten in ten years time. Orioles are one of the meanest, dirtiest, little birds you will ever see. I can’t put BBs in them enough.
Saturday, November 15
S14: 2008 MLB Worst Payroll-Per-Victory Rates
I used to every year in my zine The Confederate Mack do payroll per victory for baseball teams and rank them, because I find it amazing how much player payroll is spent per winning game. It seems impossible to me that anybody could make money owning a pro baseball team, excepting those few teams who have like 3000 different styles of their baseball cap worn by fans and urban youth galore. So I did it again this year, and here are the worst 14 teams, if you consider worst being spending the most money per victory achieved. I count post-season as well as regular season in this nonsense.
#1: New York Yankees ($2,349,231.20 per victory) - The Yankees have pretty much always finished worst on this list ever since they took over A-Rod, and before then they always finished second behind the Rangers, who has a high payroll and still sucked. I used to frequent this dork message board where there was a prominent guy who was a Yankees fan and he’d call anti-Yankees fans cockroaches and shit, acting like they were haters. But come on man, fuck the Yankees, buying up everybody they can. It’s so ridiculous that you know it won’t work, and this past season where they didn’t even make the playoffs, yet like half their starting line-up got rich enough to buy other Major League Baseball teams, it’s too fucking funny. Then stupid assed Junior Steinbrenner gets all bitchy about how the playoff teams are decided, acting like it’s not because they didn’t make the playoffs for the first time in a while but because he cares about the sport. If the Yankees cared about the sport, they might try to not drive up the price of every player who might be halfway decent, thus rendering most teams unable to sign a high profile free agent. Then they all end up in the Bronx, where they are poisoned by the cancer of contentedness, knowing they’re not just a baseball player anymore but in NYC, and could end up fucking Madonna (like A-Rod) or Mariah Carey (like Jeter) or something. I can understand it being hard to give a fuck about playing a stupid game like baseball when you’re trying to score some pretty famous notches on the gold-trimmed mahoganey headboard of your king-sized bed.
#2: Seattle Mariners ($1,928,958.72 per victory) - They weren't that good either, outside of Ichiro Suzuki, who must be making a bazillion dollars in order to explain this hefty payroll.
#3: Detroit Tigers ($1,860,610.76 per victory) - The Tigers, not too long ago, were one of those young scrappy teams that made the playoffs with a relatively low payroll. Instead of sticking to their secret genius plans and dumping off all their good players for hot prospects, to keep cycling in unknown talent and compete, they actually resigned all their good young players, as well as a few high profile free agents. This has led to absolutely nothing but false hopes and finishing third on this nefarious list.
#4: New York Mets ($1,548,240.18 per victory) - As much as I hate the Yankees and their fans, it's just as fun to laugh at the misery of the Mets, who don't even have all those World Series rings to flash at me to justify their ridiculousness.
#5: Atlanta Braves ($1,421,745.60 per victory) - The Braves have come back to earth, finally not having like 3 of the best 6 pitchers in the game at once, which carried them to a decade's worth of Divisional titles, but only one World Series ring. My dad always liked the Braves, and I grew up a Giants fan, so I've hated the fucking Braves forever. Pulling up their Triple-A team from Richmond, which was a good afternoon place to go get drunk in the sunshine, even though I didn't do it hardly enough, makes me not like them even further.
#6: Los Angeles Dodgers ($1,347,597.00 per victory) - Had a pretty good run after getting Man-Ram there at the end of the season. I was actually rooting for them in the playoffs, as I like Manny Ramirez. Baseball players are such full of shit assholes, it's nice to see some guy just be like fuck it, which of course is an affront to the purity of baseball to the types of assholes who obsess over it. If he ends up signing the contract the Dodgers offered him, I would expect them to be far higher on this list next year, regardless of how well their season goes.
#7: Chicago White Sox ($1,346,548.13 per victory) - Really, the only thing good about the White Sox was Ozzie Guillen's wacky ass antics, but after hearing that "psssh" soundbite about 3000 times in the two hours of Jim Rome I've listened to this year, I don't even like him. There are people out there who excitedly listen to the Mike & Mike show in the morning, and then Jim Rome in the afternoon, and they think all of it is smart and funny. I hope all those people get the bird flu.
#8: Boston Red Sox ($1,320,693.42 per victory) - Honestly, being they consistently have the second highest payroll, by far, in Major League Baseball, the fact they are successful enough to fall as low as 8th on this list is impressive. I really don't mind the Red Sox, as they used to be funny that first time they won the World Series with a bunch of longhaired freaks and closet degenerates. Now, they've moved more towards that clean cut whiteboy image which probably matches their fan base better, but doesn't seem as probably to win another ring. And man, I can't tell you how much that Papelbon kid freaks me out, with his mouth always looking like an anus.
#9: Chicago Cubs ($1,220,060.13 per victory) - I enjoy seeing the Cubs curse continue year after year, because it's so comedically perfect to see baseball fans suffer. Also, I am in full solidarity with goats, so not letting a straight up regular acting bro bring his goat to the baseball game is an unforgivable offense, and they are right to never win a World Series again for as long as stupid baseball is played professionally.
#10: Los Angeles Angels ($1,180,359.73 per victory) - Being not a baseball fan except extremely casually, the Angels are off my radar. I know they have a few really good players, really ugly ass red uniforms, pretend they are from L.A. proper, and used to be the team of The Black Jew Rod Carew. Beyond that, fuck ‘em. Oh yeah, Bobby Grich too, which used to be my rap name.
#11: San Diego Padres ($1,169,485.97 per victory) - This will surely go down once they dump Jake Peavy for minor league scraps.
#12: St. Louis Cardinals ($1,158,423.83 per victory) - The Cardinals and Cubs being blood feud rivals is interesting to me, because I would not be too bothered if both team planes crashed into each other in the sky. Then again, there’d be a bunch of corny assed black patches on baseball hats and jerseys and all sorts of dorky remembrances where pretentious dicks like Peter King and Rick Reilly and Bob Costas wax melodramatically about it all.
#13: Toronto Blue Jays ($1,137,138.37 per victory) - I am not sure in the translation of dollars with the world economy in a shambles, but I would figure since the Canuck economy has not gotten retarded with speculative lechers destroying it like in American, that maybe this figure may not be perfectly correct. Although, I guess all the info I found was in straight up U.S. dollars, and they can convert that shit however they want. Were I to hit the lottery this weekend, I’d buy gold bars and machine guns, and hire a bunch of Mexicans to hang out on the bottom of the mountain I buy with the machine guns, keeping the riffraff out. Mexicans are loyal as fuck, and hard workers to boot. That’s why I won’t hire a white dude anymore.
#14: San Francisco Giants ($1,063,812.50 per victory) - Haha, Barry Zito. I was more than glad to abandon the Giants as my team last year when the Nationals rolled out at a new team full of crazy negroes like Lastings Milledge, Dmitri Young, and Elijah Dukes, in a new stadium that wasn’t even completed yet. When I was 8, the first little league team I played on was called the Giants and I thought if I was good enough, I would move all the way up to the pro Giants. Man, I was a naive little fucker then. That Giants thing got me to trade for tons of Giants baseball cards back in the day, including a Dave Winfield card when he was with the Padres to this kid named Jay who was a Yankees fan for 25 random Giants cards. The Barry Bonds years really tested my tacit approval of a team in a sport I barely follow outside of the newspapers, but I stuck with it because I’m one of those fucking dorks that puts some sort of pride in being blindly loyal to teams you have absolutely no fucking physical attachment to outside of your own retarded emotions. But fuck them now. I’m a Nationals man. Well, at least once in a while during the summer when I need to halfway care about something to read in the paper’s sports section when there’s still 15 minutes left in my lunch hour... Who am I kidding? I’m self-employed. I regularly take two hour lunches, and still bill motherfuckers for it. Hahahaha.
#1: New York Yankees ($2,349,231.20 per victory) - The Yankees have pretty much always finished worst on this list ever since they took over A-Rod, and before then they always finished second behind the Rangers, who has a high payroll and still sucked. I used to frequent this dork message board where there was a prominent guy who was a Yankees fan and he’d call anti-Yankees fans cockroaches and shit, acting like they were haters. But come on man, fuck the Yankees, buying up everybody they can. It’s so ridiculous that you know it won’t work, and this past season where they didn’t even make the playoffs, yet like half their starting line-up got rich enough to buy other Major League Baseball teams, it’s too fucking funny. Then stupid assed Junior Steinbrenner gets all bitchy about how the playoff teams are decided, acting like it’s not because they didn’t make the playoffs for the first time in a while but because he cares about the sport. If the Yankees cared about the sport, they might try to not drive up the price of every player who might be halfway decent, thus rendering most teams unable to sign a high profile free agent. Then they all end up in the Bronx, where they are poisoned by the cancer of contentedness, knowing they’re not just a baseball player anymore but in NYC, and could end up fucking Madonna (like A-Rod) or Mariah Carey (like Jeter) or something. I can understand it being hard to give a fuck about playing a stupid game like baseball when you’re trying to score some pretty famous notches on the gold-trimmed mahoganey headboard of your king-sized bed.
#2: Seattle Mariners ($1,928,958.72 per victory) - They weren't that good either, outside of Ichiro Suzuki, who must be making a bazillion dollars in order to explain this hefty payroll.
#3: Detroit Tigers ($1,860,610.76 per victory) - The Tigers, not too long ago, were one of those young scrappy teams that made the playoffs with a relatively low payroll. Instead of sticking to their secret genius plans and dumping off all their good players for hot prospects, to keep cycling in unknown talent and compete, they actually resigned all their good young players, as well as a few high profile free agents. This has led to absolutely nothing but false hopes and finishing third on this nefarious list.
#4: New York Mets ($1,548,240.18 per victory) - As much as I hate the Yankees and their fans, it's just as fun to laugh at the misery of the Mets, who don't even have all those World Series rings to flash at me to justify their ridiculousness.
#5: Atlanta Braves ($1,421,745.60 per victory) - The Braves have come back to earth, finally not having like 3 of the best 6 pitchers in the game at once, which carried them to a decade's worth of Divisional titles, but only one World Series ring. My dad always liked the Braves, and I grew up a Giants fan, so I've hated the fucking Braves forever. Pulling up their Triple-A team from Richmond, which was a good afternoon place to go get drunk in the sunshine, even though I didn't do it hardly enough, makes me not like them even further.
#6: Los Angeles Dodgers ($1,347,597.00 per victory) - Had a pretty good run after getting Man-Ram there at the end of the season. I was actually rooting for them in the playoffs, as I like Manny Ramirez. Baseball players are such full of shit assholes, it's nice to see some guy just be like fuck it, which of course is an affront to the purity of baseball to the types of assholes who obsess over it. If he ends up signing the contract the Dodgers offered him, I would expect them to be far higher on this list next year, regardless of how well their season goes.
#7: Chicago White Sox ($1,346,548.13 per victory) - Really, the only thing good about the White Sox was Ozzie Guillen's wacky ass antics, but after hearing that "psssh" soundbite about 3000 times in the two hours of Jim Rome I've listened to this year, I don't even like him. There are people out there who excitedly listen to the Mike & Mike show in the morning, and then Jim Rome in the afternoon, and they think all of it is smart and funny. I hope all those people get the bird flu.
#8: Boston Red Sox ($1,320,693.42 per victory) - Honestly, being they consistently have the second highest payroll, by far, in Major League Baseball, the fact they are successful enough to fall as low as 8th on this list is impressive. I really don't mind the Red Sox, as they used to be funny that first time they won the World Series with a bunch of longhaired freaks and closet degenerates. Now, they've moved more towards that clean cut whiteboy image which probably matches their fan base better, but doesn't seem as probably to win another ring. And man, I can't tell you how much that Papelbon kid freaks me out, with his mouth always looking like an anus.
#9: Chicago Cubs ($1,220,060.13 per victory) - I enjoy seeing the Cubs curse continue year after year, because it's so comedically perfect to see baseball fans suffer. Also, I am in full solidarity with goats, so not letting a straight up regular acting bro bring his goat to the baseball game is an unforgivable offense, and they are right to never win a World Series again for as long as stupid baseball is played professionally.
#10: Los Angeles Angels ($1,180,359.73 per victory) - Being not a baseball fan except extremely casually, the Angels are off my radar. I know they have a few really good players, really ugly ass red uniforms, pretend they are from L.A. proper, and used to be the team of The Black Jew Rod Carew. Beyond that, fuck ‘em. Oh yeah, Bobby Grich too, which used to be my rap name.
#11: San Diego Padres ($1,169,485.97 per victory) - This will surely go down once they dump Jake Peavy for minor league scraps.
#12: St. Louis Cardinals ($1,158,423.83 per victory) - The Cardinals and Cubs being blood feud rivals is interesting to me, because I would not be too bothered if both team planes crashed into each other in the sky. Then again, there’d be a bunch of corny assed black patches on baseball hats and jerseys and all sorts of dorky remembrances where pretentious dicks like Peter King and Rick Reilly and Bob Costas wax melodramatically about it all.
#13: Toronto Blue Jays ($1,137,138.37 per victory) - I am not sure in the translation of dollars with the world economy in a shambles, but I would figure since the Canuck economy has not gotten retarded with speculative lechers destroying it like in American, that maybe this figure may not be perfectly correct. Although, I guess all the info I found was in straight up U.S. dollars, and they can convert that shit however they want. Were I to hit the lottery this weekend, I’d buy gold bars and machine guns, and hire a bunch of Mexicans to hang out on the bottom of the mountain I buy with the machine guns, keeping the riffraff out. Mexicans are loyal as fuck, and hard workers to boot. That’s why I won’t hire a white dude anymore.
#14: San Francisco Giants ($1,063,812.50 per victory) - Haha, Barry Zito. I was more than glad to abandon the Giants as my team last year when the Nationals rolled out at a new team full of crazy negroes like Lastings Milledge, Dmitri Young, and Elijah Dukes, in a new stadium that wasn’t even completed yet. When I was 8, the first little league team I played on was called the Giants and I thought if I was good enough, I would move all the way up to the pro Giants. Man, I was a naive little fucker then. That Giants thing got me to trade for tons of Giants baseball cards back in the day, including a Dave Winfield card when he was with the Padres to this kid named Jay who was a Yankees fan for 25 random Giants cards. The Barry Bonds years really tested my tacit approval of a team in a sport I barely follow outside of the newspapers, but I stuck with it because I’m one of those fucking dorks that puts some sort of pride in being blindly loyal to teams you have absolutely no fucking physical attachment to outside of your own retarded emotions. But fuck them now. I’m a Nationals man. Well, at least once in a while during the summer when I need to halfway care about something to read in the paper’s sports section when there’s still 15 minutes left in my lunch hour... Who am I kidding? I’m self-employed. I regularly take two hour lunches, and still bill motherfuckers for it. Hahahaha.
Tuesday, April 1
S14: MLB's Worst Payroll Per Victory Ratio Since 2000
I do not pretend to care about the professional baseball. In fact, my brief time working in a newspaper environment on the inside showed me that baseball is the fat sports editor's dream sport, full of numbers and lots of statistical nonsense to peruse over in agate form for hours upon hours and make you forget the stain on your short-sleeved button-down shirt from your tuna salad made with tuna fish in vegetable oil instead of in water like every normal person on earth. I think most people have the sense enough to not really care about baseball, but yet they spend more and more money every year on players, and fucking A-Rod is getting like $350 million to play ball. Shit, if I won the Megamillions three times over, I probably would still be more broke than A-Rod. That's wacky as fuck. I'm not one to be all full of vitriolic faggotry and go, "Why don't schoolteachers make that type of money? What is wrong with us? Visualize whirled peas!" and shit, but seriously, that's ridiculous. And what's even more ridiculous is that a dude could make that much money for playing stupid baseball and he hasn't started an army yet. A-Rod could be king of south Florida by now if he invested his money more militantly.
Anyways, I am a dork myself, and don't watch hardly any of the TV too much anymore, so I have been known to get some stupid shit in my head and look up gay-assed statistics for like two hours in a row, for no reason whatsoever. It's why I started these sporting 14 lists. I am not proud, but I also do not really care. Staring blankly at notepads full of faceless numbers pleases me. When I was a kid and collected baseball and football cards, I'd put all them motherfuckers in order by statistics, then put them all in order by a different statistic, and so on. I'm sure there's psychotropical drugs to curb this type of behavior, but what the fuck? That would only leave me watching TV with a numb feeling. I'd rather just be a time-wasting dork.
What I did for this time, since the baseballs are all in the news, was go back through the time machine (meaning google) and find yearly team payrolls going back to the year 2000, and then divide those payrolls by how many games the teams won in the regular season and playoffs, to come up with a list of the twenty-one teams who had the highest payroll per victory since the year 2000. And the shit boggles my mind. I mean, it's some shit that'll have to bottom out at some point, or at least contract to like half the teams or some shit. But whatever. Here are your twenty-one worst teams of the past 8 seasons when it comes to how much they had to pay for each of their victories. I also have done one for the best 14 teams that I'll drop on you later this week sometime.
#1: 2005 New York Yankees ($2,147,492.96 per victory) - They won the AL East, but lost in the ALDS to the Angels. This was the giant, ridiculous team that had A-Rod start to really earn his absent-in-October reputation, and Randy Johnson collecting a ton of money to pitch in a pretty useless manner, not to mention Kevin Brown getting almost as much to pitch even worse. Also, big-face Bernie Williams got run off at the end of the season, which is funny to me because Bernie Williams looked like he had elephantiasis so I imagined he took that tonic that Mr. Burns gave Ken Griffey Jr. in that one episode of The Simpsons.
#2: 2007 New York Yankees ($1,995,200.47 per victory) - This was just this past year, where the Yankees did get a wild card berth but then dispatched by the Indians and their mysterious demon army of insects. Torre has left and A-Rod has lost his mind, and I guess George Steinbrenner's son is the head crazy fucker now. Hahaha, stupid Yankees. Even growth hormones couldn’t help them. I’m hoping Junior Steinbrenner’s newfound head honcho role is just temporary so that ol’ George can work himself up into an even more insane stupor over all things Yankee.
#3: 2006 New York Yankees ($1,986,357.95 per victory) - Won the AL East, but got shocked in the ALDS by those pesky Detroit Tigers, losing the rights to Gary Sheffield and his drug-addled rants in the process. Another great collection of high-priced all-stars that got nowhere significant, with a freshly shorn Johnny Damon leading the way.
#4: 2003 New York Mets ($1,775,400.44 per victory) - Not to be outdown by their cross-town rival, the '03 Mets assembled together Mo Vaughn and Mike Piazza and Tom Glavine and Robbie Alomar at exorbitant prices to finish last in the NL East.
#5: 2004 New York Yankees ($1,721,438.79 per victory) - Won the AL East, and this is the Yankees team that infamously went up on the Red Sox 3-0 in the ALCS, only to drop the next four to Boston's ragtag assortment of weedheads, oddballs, and midget mascots. Probably the beginning of the end for the Yankees at-any-cost mentality, although I think it's taken until now for that to sink in. And then again, they'll probably pay $30 trillion for seven free agents I never heard of this year as well.
#6: 2007 Chicago White Sox ($1,509,331.01 per victory) - Didn't even make the playoffs, and the interesting thing in looking at all this shit, the White Sox were always pretty low in payroll, then after they won that World Series in '05, they re-upped everybody they felt obligated to, and ever since have come in fairly high on this shitty list, and without another playoff appearance.
#7: 2002 Texas Rangers ($1,468,418.36 per victory) - Hey look, A-Rod's on this team, too. He, along with Pudge Rodriguez, and Rafael Palmeiro formed a Hispanic all-stars batting line-up, and joined Texas ace pitcher Kenny Rogers to finish last in the AL West. To be fair, A-Rod did not play badly in the playoffs during his time in Texas.
#8: 2003 Texas Rangers ($1,457,629.11 per victory) - Basically you can just see the above blurb, except Pudge and Rogers were gone because the Rangers couldn't afford them and A-Rod. They still finished last in the AL West though.
#9: 2006 Chicago Cubs ($1,430,674.23 per victory) - Giant payroll, underachievers trying to make up for the curse of Bartman, but finishing last in the NL Central, costing baseball's Malcolm X - Dusty Baker - his tutorial position, allowing Lou Piniella to get another job where he can say wacky old drunk dude things.
#10: 2006 Boston Red Sox ($1,396,509.58 per victory) - The lackluster season that sits in between their two World Championships of this lifetime. I can't remember if they made the playoffs or not, and I'm not in cyber mode (working in the camper, which is wrapped in aluminum siding to keep modern brain-cancering technology to a minimum), but it doesn't matter. They won it in '05 and in '07, and Red Sox fans are drunken fools, so I'm sure they were wicked pissed in '06.
#11: 2003 New York Yankees ($1,388,634.67 per victory) - It's the last time they actually made the World Series, and they got waxed by an upstart Florida Marlins team lead by young Josh Beckett. The closest Steinbrenner fantasy line-up baseball has come to a ring in recent history, which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I hate Yankees fans, mostly because it's so easy, and still they get indignant about shit when you mock the Yankees. It's like being a Christian and acting like you're the oppressed one so you hang a blank grey flag for countries that allegedly execute Christians as if that shit was happening all the time.
#12: 2004 Arizona Diamondbacks ($1,368,250.00 per victory) - This was the first year after they broke up the mega-pitcher tandem of Johnson/Schilling, and was just left with a half-crippled Randy Johnson, who underperformed like a motherfucker with his big ostrich-looking ass, and all those bonus contracts they'd given out after the World Series win a few years earlier had come back to roost as a shitty team that finished way out of the playoff hunt.
#13: 2004 New York Mets ($1,361,422.11 per victory) - Mike Piazza and Tom Glavine, together forever, and the Mets, as usual, sucked. Also, the start of the ascension of the superstardom baseball fuckery of David Wright.
#14: 2007 Baltimore Orioles ($1,355,866.78 per victory) - Haha, the Orioles have sucked ever since Ripken gave up the game, and stand little chance of getting better. Being a man who reads the Washington Post paper pretty much daily, and knowing the whole story of the Nationals getting back to Washington, it comes as no shock that the Orioles would suck, with Peter Angelos as their owner. That guy is a first class piece of shit, and really the only thing that makes me feel better about being a die-hard Washington Redskins fan with Daniel Snyder as owner is thinking to myself, "Well, at least he's not Peter Angelos." Although, I guess I'd prefer he was closer to Angelo's age.
Anyways, I am a dork myself, and don't watch hardly any of the TV too much anymore, so I have been known to get some stupid shit in my head and look up gay-assed statistics for like two hours in a row, for no reason whatsoever. It's why I started these sporting 14 lists. I am not proud, but I also do not really care. Staring blankly at notepads full of faceless numbers pleases me. When I was a kid and collected baseball and football cards, I'd put all them motherfuckers in order by statistics, then put them all in order by a different statistic, and so on. I'm sure there's psychotropical drugs to curb this type of behavior, but what the fuck? That would only leave me watching TV with a numb feeling. I'd rather just be a time-wasting dork.
What I did for this time, since the baseballs are all in the news, was go back through the time machine (meaning google) and find yearly team payrolls going back to the year 2000, and then divide those payrolls by how many games the teams won in the regular season and playoffs, to come up with a list of the twenty-one teams who had the highest payroll per victory since the year 2000. And the shit boggles my mind. I mean, it's some shit that'll have to bottom out at some point, or at least contract to like half the teams or some shit. But whatever. Here are your twenty-one worst teams of the past 8 seasons when it comes to how much they had to pay for each of their victories. I also have done one for the best 14 teams that I'll drop on you later this week sometime.
#1: 2005 New York Yankees ($2,147,492.96 per victory) - They won the AL East, but lost in the ALDS to the Angels. This was the giant, ridiculous team that had A-Rod start to really earn his absent-in-October reputation, and Randy Johnson collecting a ton of money to pitch in a pretty useless manner, not to mention Kevin Brown getting almost as much to pitch even worse. Also, big-face Bernie Williams got run off at the end of the season, which is funny to me because Bernie Williams looked like he had elephantiasis so I imagined he took that tonic that Mr. Burns gave Ken Griffey Jr. in that one episode of The Simpsons.
#2: 2007 New York Yankees ($1,995,200.47 per victory) - This was just this past year, where the Yankees did get a wild card berth but then dispatched by the Indians and their mysterious demon army of insects. Torre has left and A-Rod has lost his mind, and I guess George Steinbrenner's son is the head crazy fucker now. Hahaha, stupid Yankees. Even growth hormones couldn’t help them. I’m hoping Junior Steinbrenner’s newfound head honcho role is just temporary so that ol’ George can work himself up into an even more insane stupor over all things Yankee.
#3: 2006 New York Yankees ($1,986,357.95 per victory) - Won the AL East, but got shocked in the ALDS by those pesky Detroit Tigers, losing the rights to Gary Sheffield and his drug-addled rants in the process. Another great collection of high-priced all-stars that got nowhere significant, with a freshly shorn Johnny Damon leading the way.
#4: 2003 New York Mets ($1,775,400.44 per victory) - Not to be outdown by their cross-town rival, the '03 Mets assembled together Mo Vaughn and Mike Piazza and Tom Glavine and Robbie Alomar at exorbitant prices to finish last in the NL East.
#5: 2004 New York Yankees ($1,721,438.79 per victory) - Won the AL East, and this is the Yankees team that infamously went up on the Red Sox 3-0 in the ALCS, only to drop the next four to Boston's ragtag assortment of weedheads, oddballs, and midget mascots. Probably the beginning of the end for the Yankees at-any-cost mentality, although I think it's taken until now for that to sink in. And then again, they'll probably pay $30 trillion for seven free agents I never heard of this year as well.
#6: 2007 Chicago White Sox ($1,509,331.01 per victory) - Didn't even make the playoffs, and the interesting thing in looking at all this shit, the White Sox were always pretty low in payroll, then after they won that World Series in '05, they re-upped everybody they felt obligated to, and ever since have come in fairly high on this shitty list, and without another playoff appearance.
#7: 2002 Texas Rangers ($1,468,418.36 per victory) - Hey look, A-Rod's on this team, too. He, along with Pudge Rodriguez, and Rafael Palmeiro formed a Hispanic all-stars batting line-up, and joined Texas ace pitcher Kenny Rogers to finish last in the AL West. To be fair, A-Rod did not play badly in the playoffs during his time in Texas.
#8: 2003 Texas Rangers ($1,457,629.11 per victory) - Basically you can just see the above blurb, except Pudge and Rogers were gone because the Rangers couldn't afford them and A-Rod. They still finished last in the AL West though.
#9: 2006 Chicago Cubs ($1,430,674.23 per victory) - Giant payroll, underachievers trying to make up for the curse of Bartman, but finishing last in the NL Central, costing baseball's Malcolm X - Dusty Baker - his tutorial position, allowing Lou Piniella to get another job where he can say wacky old drunk dude things.
#10: 2006 Boston Red Sox ($1,396,509.58 per victory) - The lackluster season that sits in between their two World Championships of this lifetime. I can't remember if they made the playoffs or not, and I'm not in cyber mode (working in the camper, which is wrapped in aluminum siding to keep modern brain-cancering technology to a minimum), but it doesn't matter. They won it in '05 and in '07, and Red Sox fans are drunken fools, so I'm sure they were wicked pissed in '06.
#11: 2003 New York Yankees ($1,388,634.67 per victory) - It's the last time they actually made the World Series, and they got waxed by an upstart Florida Marlins team lead by young Josh Beckett. The closest Steinbrenner fantasy line-up baseball has come to a ring in recent history, which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I hate Yankees fans, mostly because it's so easy, and still they get indignant about shit when you mock the Yankees. It's like being a Christian and acting like you're the oppressed one so you hang a blank grey flag for countries that allegedly execute Christians as if that shit was happening all the time.
#12: 2004 Arizona Diamondbacks ($1,368,250.00 per victory) - This was the first year after they broke up the mega-pitcher tandem of Johnson/Schilling, and was just left with a half-crippled Randy Johnson, who underperformed like a motherfucker with his big ostrich-looking ass, and all those bonus contracts they'd given out after the World Series win a few years earlier had come back to roost as a shitty team that finished way out of the playoff hunt.
#13: 2004 New York Mets ($1,361,422.11 per victory) - Mike Piazza and Tom Glavine, together forever, and the Mets, as usual, sucked. Also, the start of the ascension of the superstardom baseball fuckery of David Wright.
#14: 2007 Baltimore Orioles ($1,355,866.78 per victory) - Haha, the Orioles have sucked ever since Ripken gave up the game, and stand little chance of getting better. Being a man who reads the Washington Post paper pretty much daily, and knowing the whole story of the Nationals getting back to Washington, it comes as no shock that the Orioles would suck, with Peter Angelos as their owner. That guy is a first class piece of shit, and really the only thing that makes me feel better about being a die-hard Washington Redskins fan with Daniel Snyder as owner is thinking to myself, "Well, at least he's not Peter Angelos." Although, I guess I'd prefer he was closer to Angelo's age.
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