S14: Top 14 Metaphysical Powers For This Copa America Centenario Thing About To Happen

(I originally had started writing this for a new sports website trying to claw into that realm of “the New Grantland” but honestly, I wasn’t feeling it, and didn’t like having to tone myself down or limit my nonsense rambling, so it ends up here, in obscurity, where I will likely always remain, because I don’t know how to pimp myself.)

Aristotle first gave words to the concept of metaphysics, when he attempted to break down in a scientific manner “being qua being” or what comes with existence that we may not be able to scientifically quantify. Islamic polymath Ibn Sina expounded upon Aristotle’s foundation, furthering the contemplation of that grey area between what is experienced by the senses (science) and believed to be truth (spirituality). And being we live in a highly polarized quantity-driven age of dichotomies (science vs. religion, black vs. white, man vs. nature), it seems that perhaps logically putting thought to the unexplainable might be more important than ever, if for no other reason than to find how instead of separate polarized bubbles, we are all actually part of universal interdependent Venn diagram with hella crossover, universally.

“Wait… I thought the title of this thing was about soccer?” you are thinking. Well, my particular field of analysis is Football Metaphysics, which attempts to find that middle ground between the data analytics of human brain (i.e. Moneyball or sabermetrics, in all its myriad forms) and gut intuition (the old school way, having “a feeling”). Usually the halfway point between brain learnings and gut flora is halfway up the spine at the top of the heart. This is where we find Football Metaphysics.

The Copa America Centenario is being held in the United States, and the story is this is the 100th Anniversary of the South American football championship. That is true, as the first official one was played in 1916, when it was called Campeonato Sudamericano de Futbol (South American Football Championship). In 1975, when the 10 nations that currently make up CONMEBOL all competed together for the first time, it became known as Copa America. Starting in 1987, it started to be held in a host nation, like the World Cup. In 1993, two invited nations (normally Mexico, plus one) were added to make it 12 teams. 2015 was the last time, following that schedule, but CONMEBOL, in the spirit of profit and untapped markets (meaning get them dollars where them dollars are) decided to expand the tournament to 16 teams and hold it in an off-year in the United States, for (hopefully) a giant smorgasbord of corporate cash and gringo dinero.

I have found in my self-scientific studies that Football Metaphysics works best in lists of 14 for some reason, so for the brain foundation to this, I calculated how many points (3 for a win, 1 for a draw) each nation earned in the last 14 Copa Americas (going back to 1979), averaged that out per game, weighted the more recent averages more heavily, and spreadsheet functioned that whole nonsense into this list of the 14 most powerful teams, metaphysically speaking, going into this Copa America Centenario festival cash grab.

#1: BRAZIL (won 5 times since 1979, the last time in 2007): Brazil was shockingly knocked out in the quarterfinals by Paraguay last year, although the nature of this tournament has been that it is just as common for someone other than the Big 2 (Brazil and Argentina) to win as not. This is the Neymar era of Brazilian soccer, and thus far, there’s not much to show for that in terms of national team successes. There will be no Neymar (nor Oscar nor Kaka) meaning this tourney will be Brazil developing younger supporting cast because Brazil has struggled in World Cup 2018 qualifying thus far (currently sit in an unheard of 6th, which would miss the World Cup finals). They’ve been drawn into a group featuring Haiti (jobbers) and Peru, so they should be able to at least coast into the knockout rounds, and hope to avoid repeating last year’s immediate failure once past group stage.

#2: ARGENTINA (won twice since 1979, last time all the way back in 1993): No better example of Football Metaphysics is there in the world than the comparison between Maradona and Messi, the two greats of Argentine football. Maradona was a mess of a human being – drug-addled, loved wild women, his most famous moment on the pitch (the Hand of God) was technically illegal. And yet there’s nothing he didn’t win. Messi, according to technical aspects and all post-modern matrices, is likely the greatest ever. And yet Messi has not won the World Cup, has not even won this tournament before, which one may assume is why he is on their roster for the summer showcase in the U.S.A. It’d be nice to believe that but more likely this is a branding move for Messi (who, it should not be overlooked, was caught up in the Panama Papers leak), who will look to further his endorsement deals and establish a soft landing place in the MLS for his twilight years. Argentina would like to win this tournament, but beyond club, Messi has never seemed overly possessed to win for country like Maradona was. This is why, despite the cultivated image, despite the mathematical indexes and statistics, despite it all, Maradona remains the greatest from Argentina. If you don’t believe me, ask their fans.

#3: COLOMBIA (won once since 1979 – 2001): For sake of full disclosure, one of the people I talk most about the football with is a hilarious Colombiana Loca who works at the little coffee stand at the medical complex I call “work”. Her passion for football is amazing, situated firmly in the middle of Atlantic America, but still wearing Atletico Nacional (her home city home team) jerseys on big game days. And her love of Colombian football is unconditional. She pulls for certain teams because prominent Colombians play for them (oh the discussions we’ve had about Falcao’s downfall). And while it’s a beautiful thing, it leaves me feeling pretty conflicted, because I don’t have that same passion for my own nation’s football team, and maybe not even my own nation. Why is that? I mean, with the football it’s obvious. Colombia plays an exciting brand, with a healthy mix of established stars playing in big Euro leagues and rising stars who still ply their skills in the domestic league. And with the standard for Copa America in recent goings being that Brazil and Argentina both crash out, Colombia could be the third that steps up to take first this summer. Or maybe I am just excited to be happy for a friend’s potential happiness.

#4: URUGUAY (won 4 times since 1979, most recently in 2011): We in America will be blessed by the most metaphysically powerful player on earth – Luis Suarez. On a Barca club with perhaps the two biggest superstars on earth in Neymar and Messi, Suarez has still somehow staked his space as THE Eternal Scoring Threat, despite all the analytical negatives. Uruguay defies logic in similar ways – tiny coastal nation with a total population smaller than all the metropolitan areas hosting Copa America Centenario matches, and yet there are only a handful of nations with a larger international presence. Ignore Europe, and really the only two bigger are Brazil and Argentina. Thus, regardless of situations or scenarios or match-ups, should Uruguay make it to the knockout stage (they will), and Suarez gets unleashed in primetime America (without injury, or vampiro suspension), and Uruguay will be THE Threat To Win It All.

#5: PARAGUAY (won once since 1979 – in 1979): Paraguay maintains a somewhat unknown but consistent presence within CONMEBOL. Usually, Paraguayan clubs find themselves in the final stages of Copa Libertadores (South America’s Champions League) most years. And Paraguay has remained a solid international force. South America, as a whole, plays far above their international political prominence, and you start to wonder is it Brazil and Argentina pushing the others to higher levels, or the entire continent rising thus pushing the top tier as high as it is.  Despite all this gloss though, Paraguay was drawn into a strong group with Colombia, Costa Rica (more on them later), and the host nation. That’s as close to a Group of Death as 16-team tournament covering less than half the world’s gonna get.

#6: PERU (ain’t won it since 1979, but did in ‘75): Peru has consistently done fairly well, and was a surprise contender in last year’s event, finishing third, exactly where they finished in 2011 as well. But they’ve not qualified for the World Cup finals for over 30 years, so that pick-up the past two Copa America hopefully (for Peruvians) means they can make the push for Russia in 2018. Honestly though, they’ve done too shitty in that to make up ground against the quality of teams above them in the table, so it’s probably best for Peruvian national pride if they go all-in on this tournament again. 

#7: CHILE (won it once since 1979, and all-time – the last time, last year): It must feel like kind of a rip-off to Chile football that after struggling for nearly a century of battling, to finally achieve winning a Copa America championship last year, it happens when they squeeze a cash grab tournament in America in the middle of the usual biennial cycle. Thus, with little time to bask in their continental conquest, Alexis Sanchez and Chile are forced to go at it again. The key difference is manager Jorge Sampaoli, who pushed Chile’s game to be true to The Beautiful Game philosophies, resigned, and has been replaced by new manager Juan Antonio Pizzi, who will be installing his own belief systems in his first major tournament run-up to the 2018 World Cup. Just as individual matches are lost in transition, so are larger endeavors. But Chile has the same core to their team, and figure to run off the fumes of what is already in place. Their Group D opener against Argentina (in a re-match from last year’s Copa America final) should be the prime game from the first few days.

#8: MEXICO (never won it, runner-up twice since ‘79): Mexican football is perhaps the most beautifully anarchic version on earth. Their domestic season is broken into two halves, like many other Latin American domestic leagues are, but unlike all those other leagues, there is no year-capping championship. Instead they hold wild elimination tournaments for each mini-season. Their top clubs don’t just qualify for their continental version of the Champions League, but for the South American one as well. Mexican football has been two-timing with South America for a while, and Mexico has been one of the two invitees to the normal Copa America tournament every occasion since 1993. One could suggest this was because Mexican national team football had been far above its continental counterparts, but being they’ve competed against the likes of Brazil, Argentina, and the rest every other year for the past two decades, it has helped enable a higher level of Mexican national football than regional conflicts with Honduras or Costa Rica (or the USMNT) would have. And with the large presence of fans who identify as Mexican in America, expect every Mexico game to be a raucous, home game environment, regardless of who they play (including the USMNT).

#9: BOLIVIA (never won it): The fact Bolivia got beaten by the USMNT, 4-0, even if a friendly before the actual tournament, tells me Bolivia is probably fucked.

#10: ECUADOR (not won it since ’79, or before then, but 4th in ’93, at home): Ecuador’s been a surprise at the top of the table for World Cup 2018 qualifying thus far, halfway through, so this event will be a tournament challenge to see how real they may be. Behind the star tandem of real life bros Enner and Antonio Valencia, they play an upbeat style. Drawn into a group with Haiti, and Brazil (who is sending young, second level team, to an extent), they stand a good shot at finally making some noise in this event.

#11: VENEZUELA (not won it since ’79, but 4th in 2011): In case you weren’t geo-politically aware, Venezuela the government is in serious jeopardy right now, after a combination of oil price downturn as well as high-level corruption has left the streets filled with angry people who can’t get their daily bread. This makes the national football team’s trip to the U.S. a little more financially interesting. The team already is positioned squat at the bottom of World Cup qualifying for 2018 (0-1-5 thus far), so jaunt to America for three-games in Chicago, Philadelphia, and Houston is going to be expensive, with national stability to the point they could have their own Venezuelan “Arab Spring” really any week now. Thus, they are the most expendable of all South American teams in the field of 16.

#12: COSTA RICA (only been in it 4 times, made it to quarterfinals twice): Costa Rica (aka Los Ticos) was a pleasant surprise during World Cup 2014, nearly making it to the semifinals behind the exciting play of Joel Campbell. This will be the largest stage for Los Ticos since that quarterfinal elimination to the Netherlands on PKs in Brazil, and the fact it’s a chance for their continent to shine against the more illustrious neighbors to the south will not be lost on this team. They’ve been drawn into the toughest group though, with the US, Colombia, and Paraguay, meaning there’s not an easy game to be found in that batch, with all teams having varying amounts of pressure on them to do more than just show up to Copa America Centenario. But with Costa Rica’s style, that should make for at least three entertaining group stage games (and hopefully more).

#13: UNITED STATES (been it three times, never made it to knockout rounds, ever): US soccer, at all levels, is in an internal conflict between Haves and Have-nots. Haves tend to dominate soccer here, while Have-nots don’t really care, because American football or basketball is more important to them (and available on free TV in abundance). While this works well for the Haves up through the collegiate level, it doesn’t translate well beyond that, or on the World stage, where America has felt it just has to be the next big thing in soccer for twenty years. Enter Jurgen Klinsmann, who recognizes the limitations of the insular Haves model once it is taken outside that insulated realm. He has recruited heavily on dual nationality players, specifically those competing in top European leagues (where the best players from all over the world tend to be paid to play). This has ruffled the Haves mightily, most notably lead US fratbro-cum-sport hero Landon Donovan, which culminated in Donovan getting left off the World Cup 2014 USMNT roster. That stone cast has rippled ever since, beginning with Donovan in whatever talking expert role he has on TV, through old stalwarts of the USMNT Haves system, and even caused women’s hero Abby Wambach to fire off shots at Klinsmann upon her own retirement. What all this means though is that regardless of how right or wrong Klinsmann may be, he is under the microscope at full magnification this summer, in home showcase for the USMNT to show how far it has come, how it can compete with the more dominant teams from South America. But sadly, all the negative talk thrown down at Klinsmann has likely undermined his own efforts within the team as well, and that compounded with the fact that US soccer is just not nearly as good as a lot of the teams from South America, means we will likely witness Jurgen Klinsmann’s suicide mission this summer. Perhaps he pulls off an unlikely pure-American Rambo resistance to the inevitable, but anything short of the semifinals will be seen as failure of not only the team, but also Klinsmann’s vision, especially when the Haves will have a constant televised voice in Landon Donovan the entire time.

#14: JAMAICA (been in it once, last time, failed): Jamaica is an international lightweight in football who is flirting with CONCACAF relevance, which doesn’t really translate into anything beyond the region. Jamaica navigates the football metaphysical matrices by virtue of having been to Copa America 2015, in which they lost all there of their games 0-1. This alludes to a competitive nature, but international football tournaments are pretty great at having better teams exude the bare minimum of energy, being composed of top professionals technically on their “summer break” from their paying job, to move past inferior competition. Jamaica is textbook definition of that inferior competition when it comes to South American national teams.

S14: Top 14 Copa Libertadores Group Stage Teams Not From Brazil or Argentina in Recent Years

Last week, in an effort to waste the precious time of my life (which gets shorter as I get older), I wrote about teams in European continental competitions that were not from the big five countries who had clocked the most group stage grip the previous 14 years. All of this is such a huge time waste, where I spend hours fucking around with spreadsheets like some idiot savant at night, and use the excuse of a website as a reason to do so. But honestly, I just enjoy numbers, and I enjoy shit like this. It feels weird that such an innate joy is somehow hijacked by self-awareness on multiple fronts – sharing online (as if that meant something), utilizing actual football competitions (as if that gave the time-wasting project some feigned importance). And yet here I am, following self-imposed deadlines to nothing, chasing the folly of self-expression in the digital age, buried amidst an ever-expanding relentless onslaught of data, much of it riding the high wave of algorithmic insider status. I am but a fucking junkstock conkshell in this shit though, but if you put your ear to me, you’ll hear the ocean.

Anyways, much like England, Spain, France, Italy, and Germany domineer the European competitions, in South America (ruled by a giant poetry robot named CONMEBOL), Brazil and Argentina run shit. They rule at the national team level, and despite all the quality talent at club level being sold off to Europe (in what is known as “the Colonialism of Capital”), those two nations’ domestic leagues still tend to dominate the continental competitions in South America. Thus, here is a parallel list to last week’s list, but this time it is all the best-performing teams in Copa Libertadores group stages the past 14 years, who are not from Brazil or Argentina. Perhaps you are a fringe fan, or not even a fan, and just some person who is here looking at this. Likely you are a robot that uses programming in Russian scanning this collection of data for weak spots to try and sneak through and get to credit card information that could be used quickly and then dumped. Even more likely, you don’t exist, not in any real sense, and staring at this screen right now is a feigned act of interaction. But anyway you cut it, Copa Libertadores is like the Champions League for South America, but in South America, the game has not been commodified quite like in Europe. This means it hasn’t been gentrified, which is a nice way of saying they haven’t figured out how to squeeze out regular people to make it safer and more appealing to rich people, namely corporate-affiliated types, thus catering more to money than actual human bodies. South America remains resistant to worshipping money over actual physical bodies, which is unlike most of what we’d consider “western culture” all of which is compromised by capital. I mean fuck man, physical bodies votes in election 2016 mean way less than money votes. That has been more obvious than ever.

And yet, I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure South America is part of the Western Hemisphere. Why isn’t it “western culture”? Can’t we just say “white culture”? But even that is misleading because some of our greatest western culturers nowadays are not white in the pure sense of it (Thanks Obama!).

I don’t know man, basically shit is all fucked up, but I hate western culture meaning white culture meaning anglo culture meaning devil culture, and had hoped to take a trip to South America to perhaps even see a Copa Libertadores game or two, but definitely to make pilgrimage to Estadio Centenario where the first World Cup final was held, but now zika virus has been manufactured by Monsanto to drive wedges between “cultures” again. (In that context, the etymology of the word “culture” and the scientific variants of it seem super creepy, and make me paranoid of all things nowadays.) But these are the top 14 teams as per group stage performance in Copa Libertadores the previous 14 years (as Copa Libertadores 2016 is just now getting to group stage).

#1: CLUB NACIONAL DE FOOTBALL (of Uruguay) – 118 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 9 times. They are in Group 2 this year with cross-town rival River Plate (the Uruguayan one), Palmeiras (of Brazil), and Rosario Central (of Argentina). Nacional is one of the most popular teams in Uruguay, which generally means in the capital city of Montevideo, where most of the most popular teams as well as population exists. Uruguay as a nation has far outperformed its population size on the international stage, since the first World Cup (which they won). Similarly, Nacional is one of the most prominent continental clubs outside of Brazil or Argentina. They play many home games in the stadium built for that first World Cup (mentioned before – Estadio Centenario), but perhaps a sign of how football is still different in South America, they set the record for largest flag ever unfurled at a game a few years back, during a big Copa Libertadores game – huge fucking flag needing 400 people to hold. It covered one whole end of the stadium once they’d stretched it out. These are old school stadiums without tons of barriers for fans, and with domestic leagues being clusterfucks at times, teams making Copa Libertadores and taking on clusterfuck champions from other nations is still a big thing. Thus Nacional, strictly through fans supporting it themselves separate from official team, collected and spent $50,000 to make a five-ton flag for a single game. Also of note is the term “hincha” meaning football supporter in South America was coined by Nacional fans, at least according to Wikipedia, but how the fuck can you trust that shit? More western culture aka white culture aka devil culture hegemony most likely.

#2: CLUB LIBERTAD (of Paraguay) – 112 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 6 times. They made it to group stage last year, finishing third (thus outside of knockout realm) but did not even qualify this year. Sadly, all I can think of when I read “libertad” is the refugee tent riot scene where everybody is setting shit on fire, but then Manny yells out to Rebenga, and then Scarface stabs him. If they had to remake Scarface (which they probably are knowing them who are they), it’d be great if it was based on Syrian refugees and criminal types sneaking into America only to translate their previous experience with opium production into new criminal endeavors in America. But most likely if they are remaking it they are doing so horribly with some aging white superstar like DiCaprio or whatever pretending to be tough guy in new Scarface role more role playing fantasy for star than actual acting. White devil culture, again.

#3: CERRO PORTENO (of Paraguay) – 69 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 4 times. Last year they made Copa Libertadores but got knocked out in the pre-group stage round that only a handful of teams have to take part in. This year, they are in Group 8 with Cobresol of Chile, Santa Fe of Colombia, and the dreaded powerhouse Corinthians from dreaded Brazil. It should be noted the “n” in Cerro Porteno is actually one of those enya “n”s but I’m using a Yakubian keyboard at my Yakubian place of employment, so that the enya is absent. It’s weird how Spain Spanish are/were world conquerors just like the English, but somehow got all transmogrified in western hemisphere with indigenous bloodlines, thus creating what we know as “Latino”, which is considered a minority in America, even though Spanish/English in old world were both white, I guess. I mean, I wasn’t there or anything; I’m strictly speaking from the perspective of somebody who’s read some shit nowadays, although if Howard Zinn and the movie Straight Outta Compton taught me anything, it’s that history is told by the winners, often leaving out any negative information the winners deem not cool and shit.

#4: CLUB BOLIVAR (of Bolivia) – 69 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 2 times. They are in Group 3 of this year’s Copa Libertadores, with two teams from Argentina (Racing and the infamous Boca Juniors) as well as Deportivo Cali from Colombia. The past half a decade has seen Bolivar qualify for Copa Libertadores every other year, and there’s a different sense towards intercontinental competitions in the non-European continents (Africa and South America, as well as Asia to some extent, and I guess North America though “international football” on this continent is largely irrelevant), where a team has to dedicate a lot of finance to the effort, which may or may not be there in terms of how much money they make. A packed stadium in South America does not mean the financial windfall it might mean for the TV games from Europe. So a team in non-capital world may blow money on a couple players, plus spend the money on actually traveling around the continent, to take a shot at winning a major trophy. So it goes through cycles. I personally have no problem with that, as it shouldn’t be as easy as signing checks with unlimited bank. I’m kinda like “fuck European soccer” when I think about that. But then all the best players end up going there, from South America and Africa and wherever else, because that’s where “the glory” is, which means the money. Thus the colonialism of capital continues old world colonialism. Club Bolivar, no matter how much they spend on a good-year cycle chasing a continental cup, ain’t ever gonna have Messi, Neymar, Suarez.

#5: CLUB UNIVERSIDAD DE CHILE (de Chile) – 66 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 4 times, but were knocked out in group stage last year, and this year couldn’t get through the cryptically named First Stage (a qualifying round before group stage) being defeated by River Plate of Uruguay (not River Plate of Argentina). Oddly though, recent history of this club is convoluted as fuck, as the team went into bankruptcy and administration and was then purchased by a private group, who pays a licensing fee to the Universidad de Chile to continue using the name and logo and shit. Naturally, fans are none to stoked, but for whatever reason, Chile is not as ruled by supporters as Argentina or Brazil is it seems, which gives this a slightly European feel. I guess they (meaning the devils) are working towards gentrifying South America as well. THEY AIN’T BEEN PUTTING ALL THOSE PUTAMAYOS IN STARBUCKS FOR NOTHING.

#6: COLO-COLO (of Chile) – 63 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds once, and it should be noted their full name is Club Social y Deportivo Colo Colo, which sounds like it could be a go-go band. Their logo is indigenous as fuck, and they are perhaps the most popular team in Chile (although the previous entrant – before their private ownership fiasco – may have been the most popular). Last year, Colo Colo finished 3rd in their group in Copa Libertadores (thus not advancing to the knockout stages), finishing behind Santa Fe of Colombia and continental heavyweights Atletico Mineiro of Brazil. They were drawn into the same group as Mineiro again this season of Copa Libertadores, but also with some off-brand teams from Ecuador and Peru. Then again, without an on-brand, can there be an off-brand? Plus fuck brands. That’s etymological slavery of self. I refuse to endorse slavery of self, at least not without a pre-agreed upon safe word.

#7: LIGA DEPORTIVO UNIVERSITARIA DE QUITO (of Ecuador) – 62 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 5 times, not even qualifying last year but in a group this year with Gremio from Brazil plus noted Toluca of Mexico and also San Lorenzo from Argentina, so essentially a solid little group that covers all the bases of CONMEBOL (Brazil, Argentina, good team from somewhere else, why is Mexico here? oh yeah because North America is fucking stupid and irrelevant). Like a lot of the non-big two countries (and even Argentina to be honest), most of the top football clubs in Ecuador are based in the largest city of Quito. It’s neat how some of these teams are clubs but revolve around a university, so have straight up Wal-Mart iron-on “collegiate” letters style logos, which is straight up what LDU Quito’s logo looks like – clip art for a space college. Their logo has four gold stars for each of their major continental championships – Copa Libertadores in 2008, the second-tier Copa Sudamericana in 2009, and then both of the super clashes matches resulting from those two titles, two Recopa Sudamericanas in 2009 and 2010. They also have 14 Ecuadorian national championships, five since the turn of the century.

#8: CLUB AMERICA (of Mexico) – 60 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 5 times, but hasn’t even been there the past five years. However, the very fact there is a football (soccer) team called Club America, in Mexico, sort of goes against everything all the Republican candidates claim to be true about the world. However, the fact that Club America prefers to play in South America might make some of the things Trump says partially true. (Haha, fuck all those guys. We should just hire an illegal immigrant to be the next President. But also hire illegal immigrants to be all of Congress, just make sure you hire illegal immigrants in the district they are representing, then send them all to Washington, to actually make America great again.)

#9: CARACAS FC (of Venezuela) – 58 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds twice, and they qualified this year but did not survive the dreaded First Stage. Remember when Hugo Chavez went to the UN and pretended like the diplomat from the other place that spoke before him stank? That was great.

#10: UNIVERSIDAD CATOLICA (of Chile) – 57 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds twice, but being they are from a catholic university, their logo is a creepy looking cross. Also their Wikipedia page, like right out the bat, says they are a favorite of the higher classes, so that means they are for rich fuckers who believe in not only god but catholic god. Thus, I’m kinda like “fuck Club Deportivo Universidad Catolica” although to be fair the brown mixed blood Catholics of South America are nothing like “western culture” Catholics. I think the current pope has shown that. He still ain’t no pope of mine. (I, in fact, don’t have a human pope. My “pope” is a specific crow that looks to have been clipped by duckshot at some point, and I call him nothing because he is a crow, a pope crow, and my human words are not worthy of giving him a title. He, however, calls me Cawcawcaw Cawww, Cawcawcaw Cawww.)

#11: CLUB ATLETICO PENAROL (of Uruguay) – 54 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds twice, and had been missing from the group stages for a few years, but is in Group 4 this year, along with Colombian powerhouse Atletico Nacional. When I did a bunch of dork research like two years ago about South American football, Penarol ended up being one of my favorites, because they have these ill ass black and yellow (black and yellow black and yellow) kits, plus logo, although every logo and crest and shit from South America has that gaudy but perfect 1970s IGA grocery store generic butter box design quality to it. Penarol is also the most successful non-Brazil/Argentina club on the continent, having won 5 Copa Libertadores, and almost fifty domestic championships in Uruguay (likely the number three nation in terms of football on the continent). ALMOST FIFTY! That shit’s crazy. Had I gone to Montevideo, like I was contemplating, I was gonna try to see Penarol. I also was gonna try to smoke opium in the mountains, and disappear from “western culture”.

#12: CLUB SPORT EMELEC (of Ecuador) – 53 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 3 times, making it to the quarterfinals last season, before losing the Tigres of Nuevo Leon of Mexico, who almost became the first Mexican team to win the Copa Libertadores. Emelec is again in group stage (called THE SECOND STAGE) this year. Emelec sounds weird, as it should, since they were a team started by an Ecuadorian electric company for its workers. The American owner did not like football, so he didn’t support it, and it was an amateur pursuit, but successful enough that eventually their bullshit American owner started putting money into the workers’ football team as well. The sports club also played other shit like basketball and boxing and swimming. Could you imagine working somewhere that had like a boxing and soccer team as part of the job? Like you’d hang out after work on Tuesdays to practice soccer, and everybody would come back to the work compound on Saturday afternoon for a soccer game? Man, fuck that. Although perhaps if such a world still existed, I wouldn’t be all like “fuck my job, I hate my job, god why won’t I die already and save me from this slow painful hell denying me all my true passions” all the time.

#13: CLUB THE STRONGEST (of Bolivia) – 53 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds once, and could not get out of group stage last year, finishing third. This year they won their opening game, but are in a tough group with Argentina’s infamous River Plate (they of “getting maced by the other team’s fans” fame from last year) and Sao Paulo from Brazil. But most importantly, their name is The Strongest. As if that weren’t enough, they also wear black and yellow kits, which is always a more glorious color combo than bullshit red white and dark blue. Sky blue is iffy, but certainly a step up from dark blue. Fuck red and dark blue kits. They will never be the strongest. (It should be noted at first they were just The Strong Football Club, before upgrading to The Strongest.)

#14: ATLETICO NACIONAL (of Colombia) – 50 group stage points; advanced to knockout rounds 5 times, who has been a dominant force the past couple of years. They won their group last year, but were upset by Emelec in the Round of 16 during knockout stage. They qualified again for this season’s Copa Libertadores, and are most infamous for being the team that Pablo Escobar supported. In my personal life, they are well known for being the favorite team of the chill ass Colombian lady I talk shit with every day at work at the coffee stand. She wears Atletico Nacional jerseys on big game days, and told me that when she was back home visiting last Christmas in Medellin, she told them about me, one of her favorite gringos. It made my heart flutter. Atletico Nacional survived the post-Escobar era, but are only just in the past half-decade becoming a continental power again. And I can tell you from the lady at work’s babble, there are high hopes for this year’s Copa Libertadores. 

S14: Top 14 UEFA Champions League Group Stage Teams Not From The Major Five Nations In Recent Years

The comparisons for us stupid fat self-important Americans are always made between soccer (world’s football) and football (concussion ball), but with the UEFA Champions League knockout stage 2016 starting up today, it seems obvious to point out the most glaring parallel between world and American football. American football, at the collegiate level (if you can call it that), has undergone some major transformations in recent years, not really in the game itself but more so in how different teams align themselves in allegiance to making that money. A handful of top conferences have bodied their way into control of most of the lucrative spots at the end of the season, and in terms of quality of teams, sure that makes sense. Except in terms of fairness of play, not sure it does. I mean, being the third best team in a power conference doesn’t necessarily have a better claim to challenging for the best team in the nation than a championship team from a lesser conference.

The same is going on in the Champions League, as the money is bigger than ever, so the top domestic leagues are wanting more and more slots in the Champions League, which at one point back in the day only included the champions from each national top domestic league. But the 1990s were transformation into big business for world football, both the with the reformatting of top flight English football into the Premier League (to squeeze out the poors and also bring in them corporate dollars, plus TV dollars, which those two are intertwined like tween girls using fore and middle finger to visually display besties forever), as well as the updating of the UEFA top club tournament into what it is now, with multiple entrants from top leagues. In fact, this season, Manchester United are seen as a huge failure, not because they’re not going to win the Premier League, or even contend, but because they specifically look like they’re not going to finish in the top four, which means they are outside next year’s Champions League field looking in. So the top teams in Europe (from a few nations at least) are talking about wanting to change how it goes, which means they’ll either give more of the CL spots to top leagues, or some super league will form, likely comprised only of those famous clubs from the top leagues.

For me, and perhaps I’m simplistic and not putting enough attachment to the money to be made, and simply regard this as a good ol’ competition for declaring the best team, it all seems a lot like the NCAA basketball March Madness tournament. Personally, I feel the top team from every conference has a stronger claim to participate than any 2nd place team, much less a 6th or 7th place team from a power conference. Like if you’re not the biggest fish in your own pond, even if it is a small pond, then you have no claim to being the biggest fish in all ponds. And sure, if you put a 5th place team from the SEC in football in the middle of like the Mid American Conference (or Tottenham Hotspur in the top Polish league), they’d dominate. But the point is, they’re not in that league.

There is the argument, “Well, we want to see the best teams play.” But I don’t buy that, because if you limit the best teams to one from each, then you make seeing the best teams play more memorable, and harder. How fucking crazy would people be going in England this year if it means Leicester City was going to take the only Champions League slot available? They’d be losing their shit, and demanding more teams get allowed in. Which is what we already have, and I understand we’re not gonna put that genie back in the bottle, but much like the NCAA basketball tournament, I fear we’re going to move further in the wrong direction (more fluff from the top, at the expense of the smaller places on earth).

Really, these changes in European soccer certainly make a lot of sense coming after the fall of the Soviet Union, and “free market capitalism” taking over the earth, and though we are swinging that way, same with college football in America, it will be interesting to see the pendulum swing back the other way once these abstract bubbles of ETERNALLY BUILDING MORE WEALTH OUT OF NOTHING get burst by Molotov cocktails, assassin’s blades, sniper rifle, and chaos in the streets.

Nonetheless, I thought it would be fun to faux-analyze this by looking at what teams have scored the most points in the group stage of the UEFA Champions League that past 14 years. Except to display my thoughts about smaller fish from bigger ponds, I’m only going through clubs from nations not in the Big Five of UEFA domestic leagues: Germany, England, France, Spain, and Italy. That means most of the famous teams you know aren’t in this list. But all these teams had to earn their group stage points, likely against a lot of teams from those leagues, over the past 14 years. So what teams have performed the best (according to how many group stage points they’ve earned) the past 14 years in Europe’s top continental club competition, but aren’t from those five football-privileged nations?

#1: FC PORTO (of Portugal) – 120 group stage points, advanced to knockout rounds 8 times, but not this year, when they finished third in their group thus got demoted to the Europa League knockout phase. Porto is one of the oldest clubs in Portugal, and considered one of the big three clubs in that nation (don’t worry, the other two will show up in this list as well), which is probably one of the nations countering that Big Five Nations argument. In fact, Portugal’s coefficient was higher than France for this CL, so really they’re #5, not France. However, Portugal’s football history has not had the same evolving history as some other nations, as Porto and the other two of the Big Three have been in the top flight every year ever. Current season of Portugal’s Primeira Liga has Porto sitting in third, but 7 pts clear of the 4th-place team. Porto was the only team not from the big five nations in this 14-year period I looked at to win the Champions League though, and in fact were the last team not from those big five to do so (in the 2003-04 final, beating AS Monaco from France, which actually Monaco is an independent state, but their main football club plays in the French league). And I would say it might be some time before that feat is duplicated again.

#2: OLYMPIACOS FC (of Greece) – 92 group stage points, advanced to knockout round 4 times, but not this year, finishing 3rd in their group behind Arsenal and Bayern Munich, thus relegated (like Porto) to Europa League knockouts. But to give an idea of the disparity between being in the Greek League as opposed to the English or German leagues, in 1998-99, perhaps the best Olympiacos team ever was making its way through the CL, and narrowly missed making the semifinals. That’s considered a high point for the club, although they continue to dominate the Greek leagues. Additionally, they moved to the knockout stage of the Champions League three out of six seasons from 2008-2014. That last time in the knockouts, they were drawn against Manchester United in 2014, and won the first leg in Greece, 2-0, but dropped the second leg 0-3 at Old Trafford, thus was knocked the fuck out.

#3: FC SHAKHTAR DONETSK (of Ukraine) – 77 group stage points, plus advanced to knockout stage 3 times, but came in 3rd in group stage this year behind Real Madrid and Paris Saint-Germain, thus (like the other two teams so far) got put in the Europa knockout stage. Despite the working class communist-era beginnings of Shakhtar Donetsk, they are currently a known commodity in Europe, owned by billionaire/perhaps organized crime boss Rinat Akhmetov, part of that class that came to power once communism was replaced by oligarchic klepto-capitalism. In fact, Chelsea superstar Willian came from Shakhtar Donetsk during a summer 2013 selling off of their biggest assets. Despite that, and the chaos of war which has fractured the top Ukrainian league, Shakhtar Donetsk remains a top club there, hugely supported, and bound for yearly trips to the Champions League so long as Ukraine holds onto their extra spots. It should be noted that this year, for example, though Shakhtar Donetsk, being the second place team in the Ukraine, had to go through the 3rd Qualifying and Play-off Rounds of the CL just to make Group Stage. But even though they’re not top five nation status, they’re big enough to muscle their way past the European minnows still floundering along during those early rounds.

#4: S.L. BENFICA (also of Portugal) – 73 group stage points, and advanced to knockouts 3 times, including this year, matched up against Zenit St. Petersburg. Benfica is the second of Portugal’s big three teams, based in Lisbon, but they had a financial decline from the mid-‘90s until around 2009, which includes about half the 14-year period this stupid list looks at. But they have won the Primeria Liga the past two years, three of the past six, finished no worst than second those other three years, and sit at 2nd this season right now. And perhaps they are an example of free market capitalism working because they are now (since 2007) a publicly traded company with stockholders who have not wasted money on ridiculous transfers like many of the bigger English teams are well-known for doing.

#5: PSV EINDHOVEN (of the Netherlands) – 66 group stage points, advancing to knockouts 4 times, including this season, taking on Atletico Madrid. They beat out Manchester United in their group this year. Dutch football is well-known, and PSV Eindhoven is one of the Netherlands’ big three clubs. Famous Dutch fucker of football note Arjen Robben honed his little Dutch fucker craft for Eindhoven. The city itself is not quite on par with Amsterdam, and considered a lesser city of peasants, so the club (and it’s supporters) pride themselves on that. But really, at this point, how can any major club really claim peasantry, even outside the big five? They won the Eredivisie last season, their first time after about a six year spell of not winning, which ran against the previous decade’s trend of winning shit all the time. Their current squad continue the club trend of mostly Dutch dudes with a minimal sprinkling of foreigners, including a little South American flavor.

#6: AFC AJAX (also of the Netherlands) – 61 group stage points, moving to knockouts 2 times, but this year didn’t even make it beyond the 3rd Qualifing round, getting knocked out by Rapid Wien of Austria. Ajax is an infamous team, not only for its on-field success but also for having one of the more infamous hooligan supporters bases for a team not from England or Italy or East Europe. They actually won the Champions League back in 1994-95, and more historically important, when the competition was still called the European Cup and only featured domestic champions, they won it three years in a row from 1971 through 1973, behind the skillz of Johan Cruyff, who forced that Dutch Total Football philosophy onto the world, which the Dutch are only now really starting to contemplate moving beyond.

#7: FC DYNAMO KYIV (of Ukraine) – 55 group stage points, moved to knockout phase once, which is this season, which is where they likely get crushed by Manchester City. Dynamo Kyiv was a top flight club even when still part of the Soviet Union, and was one of the few Soviet clubs to break the dominance of Moscow-based soccer clubs on that Soviet league. They won the Soviet league 13 times, and have won the Ukrainian top league 14 times since then. Keeping it Ukrainian, they’ve tended to be top source for the national team, and that was actually true during Soviet era as well.

#8: FC BASEL (of Switzerland) – 53 group stage points, knock out times 3 times, but this year got knocked out in the playoff round right before Group Stage by Maccabi Tel Aviv. I am halfway through this thing and losing interest fast and being nobody pays me it’s hard to give a fuck to POWER THROUGH, especially for some Swiss club that sounds too close to FC BASIC for me to really think about anything other than that.

#9: FC ZENIT ST. PETERSBURG (of Russia) – 49 group stage points plus 3 knockout trips, including this season, drawn against Benfica, WHICH MEANS THAT AT LEAST ONE TEAM NOT FROM THE BIG FIVE NATIONS WILL MAKE THE QUARTERFINALS. Early on in me thinking about soccer was years ago when they won the UEFA Cup and had big ol’ riots to celebrate, and I was watching the news bit on the television because internet didn’t exist in 2008, and I was like, “oh man that’s awesome, it’s foreign people rioting in celebratory excitement.” You see, my American life then – as now – was missing celebratory excitement. It’s all so mundane. However brief Wikipedia research shows me that Zenit St Petersburg are owned by something called Gazprom, which is probably a phone company or some shit, but being it’s foreign and weird sounding and I’m a fat lazy American, it might also be some robot overlord hellbent on fucking up the entire earth, like a Voltron Drago. I’m afraid of Voltron Dragos. Also pretty sure this is one of the teams full of racist fans (I guess that’s every team in Russia though) so I’m really afraid of Voltron Dragos who have a lot of drunken scary racialist Russians as supporters.

#10: CELTIC FC (of Scotland) – 48 group stage points, 3 knockout trips, I think but I’m also questioning whether the column of my excel spreadsheet I thought was for times in the knockout stages might be for some other weird shit. Let’s just stick with it since maybe two people will read this max, and being one of them is a Celtic fan, I’ve strategically placed this caveat at the perfect spot. Celtic is a team with leftist fans who have been loudest drum beaters during Scottish movement for independence in recent years. Celtic, along with Anglo-friendly Rangers, were the twin opposing forces of the Old Firm rivalry, perhaps the most bitter of all soccer derbies on earth until Rangers financial incompetence has led them into multiple administrations, relegation to the bottom of Scottish football pyramid, and so on. They may make it back to Scottish Premiership to compete again with Celtic next year, but they may be administrated again. Who the fuck knows? Kinda funny the pro-English team would suffer financial calamity while the pro-independence one does not (although stadium attendance looking pretty sparse lately at times). I’m of the belief we all need enemies to motivate us, so without good legit enemy to death, Celtic has become complacent. They’ll be King of Scotland (pun intended) for as long as they want, so the talk moves to a superleague or admission to the English Premier League, where Celtic pride combined with EPL TV dollars will mean CONQUER THE WORLD. But that also feels a little like English “conquer the world” thinking too. Still though, I always pull for Celtic from afar – in the pack of non-big five nations teams I always pull for, there’s a couple (Celtic, Fenerbahce, that may actually be it) that I really hope do well just to fuck up the hegemony at the top of the world footballing pyramid.

#11: PFC CSKA MOSCOW (of Russia) – 46 group stage points, two trips to knockout stages, this year though finished 4th in their group. This was the team of the Soviet Army during Soviet days, and since then has had partial support from the Russian Ministry of Defence, which is all sorts of weird. Could you imagine an NFL team being owned partially by the Department of Defense? Actually they all might be for all I know. PATRIOTISM through sport seems prevalent throughout the world. But CSKA literally stands for “central sports club of the army” so I don’t know, that’s next level shit.

#12: GALATASARAY SK (of Turkey) – 38 group stage points, 2 trips to the knockouts yall. Galatasaray are part of the big rivalry in Istanbul, Turkey, between them (the more elite club) and Fenerbahce, which is more like the people’s team, although there’s also a third team Besiktas which is like an anarchist team to an extent, so I don’t know. But Turkish fans are well-known for their stabbing techniques, especially against English fans, and Galatasaray have always blown big money to maintain that big status on a big name from somewhere in the world. Didier Drogba played there briefly. Current international superstar is Wesley Sneijder, but it didn’t help them finish better than 3rd in their group, meaning they were relegated to the Europa League knockouts. Galat’s supporters are INSANE though, and their home stadium is infamous during both domestic as well as international games for being one of the most intimidating places on earth to play. Basically, fans set off red pyrotechnics everywhere, so it’s smoke and fire and loud singing and dramatic shit and a proudly self-proclaimed Welcome to Hell atmosphere.  Galat supporters are big on the large banner displays not so common in England but still prevalent in South America as well, unfurling giant images of opposition teams getting ass raped or something like that. But even all this atmosphere is sort of manufactured because the real old ass stadium they played in has been retired because of the fancy ass new Turk Telekom Arena built in the financial sector of Istanbul. The high dollar support helps keep the team at their high level but it’s that “gotta spend money to make money” bullshit too. Actually, you could a thousand anthropological thinkpieces on football in Istanbul alone, with the big Galatasaray/Fenerbahce rivalry (plus Besiktas) and how that straddles classes and continents and cultures. But I’m just some simple ass dude who does a blog (plus zine plus books plus whatever the fuck else), not a cultural anthropologist.

#13: RSC ANDERLECHT (of Belgium) – 33 group stage points, never made it to the knockouts, and didn’t even make the Champions League this year. I think this is the team all the jihadis who did the attacks on Paris played for.

#14: SPORTING CP (again, of Portugal) – 31 group stage points, 1 trip to the knockout rounds, third of the big three in Portugal, yadda yadda yadda, I got dinner to make.

If you enjoy this type of dumb shit, consider supporting Rojonekku Word Fighting Arts. If you already support it, buy it for a psychic comrade. We need to build our psychic comrades network before these next 20 years. 

S14: Top 14 Football Clubs From Places In The Former Yugoslavia

The break-up of Yugoslavia has fascinated me greatly in recent years, probably because in my caveman-like American education system upbringing, there is white folks and there is black folks, which has been expanded to include all non-white folks. Of course I am being purposefully simplistic here, and I try to live my life (and lead my children’s lives) to minimize the effect of racial pseudo-sciences on their psyche. But as the eastern bloc of communist countries propped up by the Soviet Union came unraveled in the ‘90s, nowhere was there more chaos and conflict than the former Yugoslavia. And the reason for this is essentially that whiteness is not as simple as the American Dream (RIP Dusty Rhodes) would lead one to believe. Yugoslavia disintegrated (and actually continues to, with regards to Kosovo as well as other territories) into various shades of what we’d call “whiteness” here in America, that were all very firm in their distinctions between each other, to the point they wanted to kill the fuck out of each other. Thus, I find that interesting, as ultimately I think America will always be fucked as long as it sees things in simple black-and-white terms, both racially but really in all aspects of our culture, we tend to break it down into two polar opposites and that’s it, no in betwixt thinking allowed. “You’re either with us, or against us.”

So for this week’s Sporting 14, I decided to travel through the fourteen soccer clubs in nations that were formerly part of Yugoslavia that have had the most continental success in the past 14 years, meaning games played in either the UEFA Champions League or the Europa League. (Champions League counts double.) Most of these teams may not seem relevant when one thinks about the current heavyweight clubs like Barcelona and Bayern Munich and the English league’s most premier clubs, but the (at the time) Yugoslavian club Red Star Belgrade actually won the Champions Cup, which was what the Champions League was back then, in 1991.

But additionally, there is a strong football/soccer undercurrent to the dissolution of Yugoslavia. Not long after Croatia had multi-party elections favoring Croatian independence in 1990, there was a big rivalry derby between Red Star Belgrade (now of Serbia) and Dinamo Zagreb (now of Croatia) which ended in conflict and riot, and in fact the captain of Dinamo Zagreb, Zvonimir Boban, kicking a cop, who were mostly Croatian, because the cop was beating a Dinamo supporter. Now understand with these teams (and many teams still in non-wealthy leagues, but especially in Eastern Europe) supporters can often mean “nationalist thug”, which is exactly what a lot of the hardcore supporters were for these two teams in that time of rising ethnic tensions, before the actual Yugoslav Wars broke out and ethnic tensions became ethnic cleansings. Some of the larger and more nefarious militias were composed of football club “supporters”, and due to lack of open space in many larger cities, it is suggested that more than a few current football stadiums in former Yugoslavian states are likely all mass graves.

So let us travel around the former Yugoslavia through it’s most successful football clubs of the past 14 years, from the nations of Serbia, Croatia, Macedonia, Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Slovenia, which all were once Yugoslavia…

#1: GNK DINAMO ZAGREB (Zagreb, Croatia) – One of the most successful clubs in this area, both before the break-up as well as afterwards, and one that could probably be considered as national a Croatian team as is possible in league play. The actual club was formed in the late 1940s, but during the rising ethnic tensions period of the early ‘90s, they started claiming ties to Croatian clubs from before then, and have always tip-toed (stomped?) along extreme right-wing nationalist lines. Their ultras group is called the Bad Blue Boys, and is one of the most notorious in all of Europe, both for the violent intensity as well as their racist-as-fuck attitude. Still, Dinamo Zagreb has been one of the only teams from former Yugoslavia to be able to qualify for the Champions League group stage in recent years, including during this 2015-16 season. And though they’ve never advanced beyond that group stage, they did beat Arsenal during that stage this past September in Zagreb. They’ve also won the Croatian First Football League ten years in a row, and sit just barely at the top of that table again for this season. And for comparison’s sake with the rest of these teams, they won four Yugoslav First League titles, and 7 Yugoslav Cups before Yugoslavia ceased to exist.

#2: FK PARTIZAN (Belgrade, Serbia) – Partizan is another regional heavyweight, though this club didn’t have as prominent a spot in obvious break-up of Yugoslavia as their top Serbian rival, Red Star Belgrade, did. But Partizan was the first Balkan (thus Yugoslavian, and actually in all of Eastern Europe) club to make the Champions Cup final, losing to Real Madrid. The club was formed initially by military officers, and in fact the name itself Partizan refers to a Communist military formation. They are still only the second-most popular Serbian club, but enjoy a lot of support in Serbian pockets of Montenegro and Bosnia & Herzegovina (which includes an autonomous Serbian region still, called Republika Srpska). Their supporters are called Grobari, which means the Gravediggers, and actually there is an alternate crest for Partizan featuring a shovel. And though the Grobari have had their fair share of notable moments of hooliganism, they pale in comparison to Red Star Belgrade, and lack the same ultra-nationalist history. The club has won the Serbian SuperLiga 7 of the last 8 years, and they’ve made group stage of the Champions League twice in the past 14 years, and the Europa League multiple times, but never gotten beyond that, except for 2005 when they made it all the way to the round of 16 in the Europa League knockout stage (still called UEFA Cup then). And during the dissolving period between 1992 and 2005, they won 8 league titles in whatever assortment of countries were still aligned, plus 11 Yugoslav First League titles before then, as well as 5 Yugoslav Cups.

#3: NK MARIBOR (Maribor, Slovenia) – Maribor is the top club from Slovenia, having won the Slovenian First League six years in a row, and 13 times total. The biggest accomplishment they had when in the full Yugoslav football system was making a Yugoslav Cup semi-final in 1968, and winning the Second League in 1966-67. They sort of break away from the ethnic militarism of other clubs from former Yugoslavia (I guess sort of like how Slovenia as a nation has done) by wearing purple (instead of traditional blue or red war colors) and being not afraid to bring in foreigners, including from South America and Africa. In fact, their current captain is a Brazilian player, Marco Tavares, who is their all-time top goal-scorer, and has been with the club since 2008, and in fact gained his Slovenian citizenship a few years back. (The whole “citizenship” of football players is a completely sketchy subject that could occupy a thousand Sporting 14 lists itself, and also makes Abby Wambach’s anti-“foreign guys” statement at her retirement so fucking stupid.) Unrelated to anything but really fucking scary sounding is the fact the President of NK Maribor right now is named Drago Cotar.

#4: RED STAR BELGRADE (Belgrade, Serbia) – It’s no coincidence that Red Star Belgrade and Dinamo Zagreb were involved in a riot that many considered one of the triggering events of the break-up of Yugoslavia. More so than most clubs, Red Star Belgrade had multiple notable supporter groups, who shared the North stand in their home stadium. Some were more Italian, with the songs and fireworks shit, while others were more traditionally English (for the time) meaning they got drunk and fought people. It all sort of morphed together, and in the late ‘80s when fragmented nationalism started spiking throughout Yugoslavia after Tito’s stronghold over the country was gone, these supporters became fiercely Serbian nationalist. (Speaking of Tito – Josep Tito – it should be noted here that not only the fall of Soviet Union contributed to break-up of Yugoslavia, as Tito was President of the nation from 1953 until his death in 1980. And despite our western declarations for DEMOCRACY and how bad dictators are, Tito was able – as unquestioned authoritarian – to hold together the disparate ethnicities of Yugoslavia. Once he died, with no one of that eminence to replace him, it was only a matter of time probably, whether the Soviet Union fell or not, which of course, Croatia was declaring independence before the Soviet Union broke up.) But due to these supporters, their maintained rivalry with city rival Partizan is considered The Eternal Derby, and always a chaotic match, even with the shared ethnicity. Most all the former Yugoslavian nations have their own “Eternal Derby” but the Partizan/Red Star one is the one that maintains the most infamy and prominence, even if Red Star Belgrade has only won a pair of Serbian Super Liga titles during the current phase (since 2007), but with 5 more during the 1990s-2006 transition period, and 19 in the old Yugoslav First League. They also won the Yugoslav Cup 12 times, and were one of the most prominent clubs then, if not so much now. But as mentioned before, they are the only Yugoslavian club to have ever won the European Cup/Champions League, which given current conditions of modern football business plan, I doubt any of these teams will ever get close again, at least not until capitalism falls. (This also is one of the great things about football clubs – that the teams survive multiple regimes/governments, and the supporters end up with this notion that they own the team far more than any person who simply buys it could.)

#5: HNK HAJDUK SPLIT (Split, Croatia) – Hajduk Split is the other big Croatian club (both of which have Croatian red and white checkerboard on their crest). The club was originally started by students at a bar, back when Yugoslavia was still a Kingdom before World War II. They’ve won six Croatian First League titles since 1992 (including in 1992), and won 9 Yugoslav First League titles before then, as well as 9 Yugoslav Cups. They form the other half of Croatia’s Eternal Derby when they play against Dinamo Zagreb.

#6: FK RABOTNICKI (Skopje, Macedonia) – Rabotnicki are one of the top Macedonian clubs, having won the Macedonian First League four times, but were not really a prominent fixture of Yugoslavian First League, having only competed in the Yugoslav First League for only two years. But even relegation back then was ethnic/regional, as the second level league they mostly competed in – and won 8 times, was a Macedonian specific league. Macedonia, though declaring independence in 1991 during the initial fracturing of Yugoslavia, maintained peaceable relations throughout most of the break-up, although during the Kosovo War in 1999, a large influx of Albanian refugees caused there an Albanian nationalist presence in the country. With Albania on one border, and Albanian-heavy Kosovo (which is working towards becoming a seventh nation carved from the former Yugoslavia, and is doing so first and foremost through football, actually trying to get UEFA recognition as its own entity in time for World Cup qualifying this spring) on the other, there’s a lot of threatening talk of the Albanian-dominant portions of Macedonia becoming part of Albania or their own nation. So that’s your future fragment of all this, potentially.

#7: FK SARAJEVO (Sarajevo, Bosnia & Herzegovina) – Sarajevo is one of the most successful Bosnian clubs, with a history going back to post World War II. They’ve won the Premier League of Bosnia and Herzegovina three times, and had won the old Yugoslav First League twice. A lot of prominent soccer rivalries in cities around the world revolve around a working class team and a middle class team. In Sarajevo, FK Sarajevo would be considered the middle class team. Their supporters, known as the Pitari (eaters of pita), have not been the most infamous of former Yugoslav clubs, but did have a highlight moment in 1986 when they threw a large painted viper snake onto the visitor’s bench during a match against Red Star Belgrade (the most hated team in all non-Belgrade games back in those days). Sarajevo was pretty fucked during the siege of Bosnia, and I guess you’d have to consider FK Sarajevo the more assimilated of the two big Sarajevo clubs (the other one comes later in this list), but that sort of assumes Bosnia has been assimilated. There’s this dude Aleksandar Hermon who won a MacArthur Genius grant a few years back, and is a noted essayist who is a fan of the club. I didn’t get knocked away by his stuff like I had hoped, but he’s a great writer to check out if you are interested in this shit, and he has an essay called “If God Existed, He’d be a Solid Midfielder” that’s a great fucking read, though I think online it might mostly be behind paywalls. BUT THERE ARE WAYS (as you hopefully already know).

#8: NK SIROKI BRIJEG (Siroki Brijeg, Bosnia & Herzegovina) – Bosnia and Herzegovina remains a multi-ethnic nation where the old Bosnian/Croat/Serb rivalries fester. Siroki Brijeg is the top Croatian club in Bosnia & Herzegovina’s national lines. They’ve won the Premier League of Bosnia and Herzegovina titles two times, as well as five titles of the previous First League of Herzeg-Bosnia that followed Yugoslavia’s break-up.  Oddly, the team has existed since 1948, but never experienced any success of note in the former Yugoslavia, because Siroki Brijeg the city didn’t get a lot of support from the government, as a smaller city. All of its successes have happened since Yugoslavia broke-up, and partially perhaps due to the support of Croatians still living under Bosnian flag. As of today, they are third in the Premier League standings this season, just behind Zrinjski Mostar and Sloboda Tuzla.

#9: FK ZELJEZNICAR (Sarajevo, Bosnia & Herzegovina) – Zeljeznicar is the other big club in Sarajevo. “Zeljeznicar” means railway worker, and were one of the best Bosnian teams during the Yugoslav First League era, actually winning the Yugoslav First League in 1971-72 season. After the break-up of the country, they became and remained a top club in Bosnia, but they’ve been known for developing talent that they end up selling off to larger clubs in other nations. They are the working class team opposed to FK Sarajevo’s more middle class support. “Zeljo is a matter of philosophy, and Sarajevo is a matter of geography” goes the mantra of Zeljeznicar supporters. Their rivalry is Bosnia’s “Eternal Derby” though the rivalry is not as violent and full of hate as its parallels in Serbia and Croatia.

#10: FK VARDAR (Skopje, Macedonia) – Vardar (named after a river, always a solid move imo) is the most popular Macedonian club, and has won the Macedonian First League 8 times since it’s inception in 1992, including 3 out of the last 4 years. Notably, they also won a Yugoslav Cup title in 1961, rare for teams outside the Serbian/Croatian stronghold clubs. Having a sizeable stadium (capacity 33,000) for the Balkan states, and regular appearances in UEFA tournaments (due to always winning in Macedonia), the club is set to maintain its position as prominent small nation super club.

#11: HNK RIJEKA (Rijeka, Croatia) – Rijeka is a top Croatian club, oddly situated in a city that was originally part of Italy before becoming part of Yugoslavia after World War II. In fact, this club’s foundation is disputed as potentially in 1946 when Rijeka became part of Yugoslavia, but also potentially much earlier as U.S. Fiumana (the city was known as Fiume while still part of Italy) back in 1926. Nonetheless, Rijeka competed in the old Yugoslav First League, and though they never won they are proud to tout they were the best-placing Croatian club three seasons during that time, and won the Yugoslav Cup twice. Unfortunately, being in the same league as Dinamo Zagreb the powerhouse means they’ve never won a league title in current Croatia, though have consistently been number two, and in fact made group stage of the Europa League two out of the past three seasons. Their rivalry with Hajduk Split, called the Adriatic Derby, is considered their most heated rivalry.

#12: ND GORICA (Nova Gorica, Slovenia) – Gorica is the second top team from Slovenia, and won the Slovenian National League four times, and has consistently competed in UEFA club competitions throughout the 2000s.

#13: FK VOJVODINA (Novi Sad, Serbia) – Vojvodina is a Serbian club from the second largest city in Serbia, called Novi Sad, which I am going to guess translates as the New Sad. Obviously if you are living in a post-Yugoslav Balkan second city called the New Sad, it’s a meager life, straddling the false promises of Communism and late capitalism. I kinda don’t even give a fuck about more specifics on this team, or the rest of this list honestly, because the whole specter of that straddling two economic eras, neither of which has been what it’s promised, makes me feel the new sad.

#14: HSK ZRINJSKI MOSTAR (Mostar, Bosnia & Herzegovina) – Zrinjski Mostar competes in Bosnia, but is Croatian, and includes the Croat checkerboard on their crest. During World War II, there was an outlaw league that competed in the region, and once the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia was formed after the war, all teams that had competed in it were banned, including Zrinjski Mostar. Thus they stopped existing from 1945 to 1992, due to being associated with pre-Yugoslavia nationalism. Odd that they finally reformed, proudly Croat, under Bosnian existence, and continue to do so there. The whole region is complicated as fuck, and the Bosnian Premier League actually has Bosnian and Serbian and Croatian teams all together still, so you wonder if shit won’t pop off again at some point, though during social unrest in Bosnia a few years back, those left there made street proclamations (through graffiti and banners) that it was a proud and tolerant multi-ethnic state. Time will tell though. Zrinjski Mostar has won the Bosnian Premier League three times though. 

S14: 14 Clubs What Which Played the Most Matches In Previous 5 Years' FA Cups

This past weekend – aside from being the first playoff weekend of the American concussion ball – was the third round of the English FA Cup, which is when the 44 teams form the top two divisions, including the Premier League, jump into the fracas, along with 20 other teams who were still alive from the previous rounds. The FA Cup is a chaotic clusterfuck of soccer footballing competition where almost any professional or semi-professional team in England (some even outside of England) can compete in a knockout tournament. So there’s a long tradition of “minnows”, or lower level teams, knocking off Premier League (or at least higher division) teams. In fact, my team – Swansea – who is fighting potential relegation from the Premier League this year, went out against a League Two team this past Sunday, which is three levels below Premier League, and got beat.

Teams from different levels come in at different times, during a long qualifying process, which starts with level 9 and 10 of English football, which is the local as fuck teams, and gradually introduces each higher level. If there is a draw in the match, they do a replay a few days later at the other team’s home stadium (or field, because lolol some of these teams have nothing close to resembling a stadium). This starts with whatever team that meets certain requirements from those local leagues at level 9 and 10 playing in an Extra Preliminary Round. Level 8, which are regional leagues – 136 total, join in the Preliminary Round. 72 teams from Level 7 join in the next First Round Qualifying, followed by the 44 teams in level 6 in the Second Round Qualifying, then the 24 teams from level 5 of English football in the Fourth Qualifying Round. Whoever is left at that time enters the First Round Proper, joined by the 48 teams from League One (level 3) and League Two (level 4). The winners of First Round play in Second Round, leaving 20 teams which join the 44 teams from Football Championship and the actual Premier League what which is famous in the Third Round Proper. At that point, it’s 64 teams, so sort of resembles March Madness in single elimination down to the FA Cup winner, who qualifies for a European tournament. Thus, conceivably, some little ragtag assortment of soccer shits competing in the lowest levels of English football could magically make their way to Wembley Stadium and then a continental competition. That doesn’t really happen, but conceivably it could. But usually the Premier League teams kind of half-ass if they are at the top of the Premier League table, and you sort of have teams stumble into the Fifth Round or final sixteen, and then the teams that are out of position to make a European tournament otherwise might pick it up, or a top team having a less-than-top season (like Chelsea probably will do this year) try to get a little saving glory from their season.

For the sake of doing a weekly Sporting 14, I thought it’d be interesting to list out the fourteens teams who had played the most matches in the FA Cup the past five years, all rounds – both proper and qualifying, and including replays, just for the fuck of it. Ties went to the lowest level team, because I am a minnow in a world of powerhouses (but I am premier level psychically). I had to limit this to the top eight levels of English football though, because fuck man, there’s like another 184 teams that play at the 9th and 10th levels, and this list is already compiled from 428 teams total. (What the fuck is wrong with me?) (Oh yeah, I get really fucking bored sometimes.) But – for example – Shildon A.F.C. from the 9th level (Northern League Division One, nicknamed The Railwaymen, established 1890) has played as many matches as the number one team on this list – 26. But I didn’t feel like digging through all those lowest level teams. Sorry.

#1: CHELMSFORD CITY F.C. (National League South – Level 6) – 26 matches played.

The Claret City, as is their nickname, had a crazy run for a few years, making the Second Round Proper, just before the Premier League teams entered, in 2010-11, 2011-12, and 2012-13. They crashed out early in 2013-14, but made it to the 4th Qualifying Round last season, before losing a 4th Qualifying Round replay at Barnet. But for a small ass team to make the Second Round Proper three years in a row, that’s strong. They got knocked out this year in the 3rd Qualifying Round by Basingstoke Town. (Great thing about English football lower levels is how all the teams sound like made up shit from Mr. Show.)

#2: WARRINGTON TOWN F.C. (Northern Premier League, Division One North – 8th level) – 25 matches played.

Being from such a low level, they have generally started in the Preliminary Qualifying Round, and advanced a couple round each season. Their big year was last season though, when they forced replays in both the 2nd and 3rd Qualifying Rounds, advanced on through to the First Round Proper, where they upset Exeter City (who played Liverpool this past weekend), before losing to Gateshead in the Second Round Proper. This year, though, they got beat by something called Abbey Hey, 3-2, in the preliminary round.

#3: ARSENAL F.C. (Premier League – 1st level) – 25 matches played.

Of course you are familiar with the Gunners if you are remotely familiar with English football. They won the FA Cup the past two seasons, having beaten Aston Villa in the final last year, in a 4-0 stomping, and Hull City the previous season, 3-2. These were their 11th and 12th FA Cup title, making them the most successful team ever in the competition. This season, they beat Sunderland this past weekend, 3-1 at home, and have been drawn to host Burnley later this month in the Fourth Round Proper.

#4: EAST THURROCK UNITED F.C. (Isthmian League Premier Division – 7th level) – 24 matches played.

In the past five years, East Thurrock United has clawed their way to the First Round Proper from the lower bowels twice, losing to Macclesfield Town in that round in the 2011-12 competition, and then to Hartlepool United in 2014-15. This season, after whomping a Carshalton Athletic, 5-0 away in the 2nd Qualifying Round, they lost at home to Staines Town, 3-6. The oddest portion of their campaign this season though was their 1st Qualifying round game away at Yaxley, which the ref suspended with like 3 minutes left, because a player got injured and he was afraid an ambulance wouldn’t get there in time.

#5: CORBY TOWN F.C. (National League North – 6th level) – 23 matches played.

Corby Town are known as the Steel Men, and their away kit is black shorts with hot pink shirt, so I don’t really want to explicate anything further that might ruin such wonderfulness. (Well, I will say they did make it to the First Round Proper three times in the previous five seasons, losing away to Luton Town in 2010-11, away to Bristol Rovers in 2011-12, both of which you can only expect they were rocking the pink kits. (“Kit” is Anglish for “uniform”.) This year, they didn’t even make it out of the 2nd Qualifying Round, losing a replay away to Rushall Olympic, disgracing their hot pink power jerseys (I assume… I didn’t look for images from the game to be honest).

#6: SHEFFIELD UNITED F.C. (League One – 3rd level) – 23 matches played.

Sheffield United is a storied club with a big reputation for being a giant killer in the FA Cup. In fact, they were in the last regulation minute of a game at Manchester United this past weekend before refs reffed it up and gave MUFC a penalty kick in the final minute, allowing Wayne Rooney an easy goal to help break up his slump, and probably save fuckin’ Louis van Gaal from getting sacked in embarrassment. Had they held on, they would’ve had a very lucrative replay next week hosting the superstars of Manchester United. As it stands, they are out, although in the previous five years, they’ve knocked off luminary teams such as Aston Villa, Fulham, Nottingham Forest, and Queens Park Rangers, and even made it to the semifinals and the grand stage of Wembley Stadium two seasons ago, losing to Hull City.

#7: SPENNYMOOR TOWN F.C. (Northern Premier League, Division One North -  8th level) – 22 matches played.

See, this is one of those weirdly magical sounding teams that if you imagine Bob Odenkirk really over-enunciating “SPIN-nee-MORE TOWN” it makes it pretty wonderful. But the histories of even low level English teams can be convoluted. Spennymoor Town is a combination of a team called Evenwood Town, which had existed since 1931, but combined in 2005 with a second team, Spennymoor United, which had folded earlier that year. The combination caused them to change the name to Spennymoor Town, and that’s them. They’ve never actually made it to the First Round Proper of the FA Cup, but they’ve enjoyed a lot of qualifying round successes, over such potentially made-up things as Crook Town, Newton Aycliffe, Tadcaster Albion, and Harrogate Railway Athletic. This season, they were knocked out in the 2nd Qualifying Round by Burscough, which I think was some sort of toe fungus originally.

#8: STOURBRIDGE F.C. (Northern Premier League Premier Division – 7th level) – 22 matches played.

Stourbridge is known as The Glassboys, due to their home town’s history of producing cut glass, and like many of these teams, they’ve existed since the late 1800s. They actually made it to the Second Round Proper in 2011-12 (before losing at home to Stevenage, which sounds like a wrestling move), and in 2013-14 (before again getting crushed by THE STEVENAGE, 4-0). This season, they made it to the Second Round Proper yet again, before losing at home to fifth-tier Eastleigh, who were the only fifth-level team left in the FA Cup this season, but tied (drew) Bolton Wanderers, 1-1, in Eastleigh, thus they have a replay in a week at Bolton. They are the smallest minnow left this year.

#9: HENDON F.C. (Isthmian League, Premier Division – 7th level) – 22 matches played.

Their crest is a wack ass sheep holding that English cross flag that skinheads love. In terms of the FA Cup, they made it to, but lost in the First Round Proper in both the 2010-11 and 2012-13 competitions. In fact, they were beat by Chelmsford City, #1 on this list, in that 2010-11 First Round Proper match.

#10: DOVER ATHLETIC F.C. (National League – 5th level) – 22 matches played.

They play at a wonderful elven lot called Crabble Athletic Ground, which has allowed them to make the Second Round Proper in 2013-14 (before losing at Milton Keynes Dons), and the Third Round Proper in 2010-11 (before losing at Huddersfield Town) and 2014-15 (losing at their magical home grounds this time, to Premier League team Crystal Palace). This season, they were knocked out in the First Round Proper by that scrappy team from Stourbridge listed two spots above.

#11: CHELSEA F.C. (Premier League – top level) – 22 matches played.

Chelsea is a famous team, with a lot of suck ass fans, and had been having a marvelously horrible season before they sacked their sour-faced manager Jose Mourinho, and now their players decided to start playing. They had won the Premier League last season, but won’t be doing that this year, firmly embedded in the lower half, though a run like you’d expect from the money they spend could push them back up towards the top six. Still though, such a team is the perfect candidate to win the FA Cup, because they won’t get an automatic spot into the European Champions League, so they can sneak a spot into the Europa League (second level of intercontinental club shit in Europe), and make that big intercontinental money. For the most part though, I am like, “Fuck Chelsea.” In terms of the actual FA Cup the previous five seasons, they won it in 2011-12, beating Liverpool, 2-1, in the Wembley Stadium final, and lost in the semifinals in 2012-13 to Manchester City. Last year, they were shocked in the Fourth Round Proper, at home, losing to Bradford City, 2-4. This past weekend, they dominated Scunthorpe United, 2-0, at home, and have been drawn to play at the winner of the Northampton Town/Milton Keynes Dons replay in this season’s Fourth Round.

#12: MANCHESTER CITY F.C. (also Premier League – also top level) – also 22 matches played.

I don’t care much for Manchester City either, in fact, I don’t like most of the ridiculously wealthy teams in the Premier League, or anywhere to be honest. Fuck wealth. Manchester City won the FA Cup in 2010-11, beating Stoke City, 1-0, in the Wembley final. They returned to the final in 2012-13, losing somewhat of a shocker to Wigan Athletic, 0-1. They then lost to Wigan again the following year, in the quarterfinals. Last season, they were upset by Middlesbrough in the Fourth Round, and this past weekend, they crushed fellow Premier League team Norwich City, 3-0, in Norwich. The next round, they will play at whoever wins the Aston Villa/Wycombe Wanderers replay.

#13: NORTH GREENFORD UNITED F.C. (Southern Football League, Division One Central – 8th level) – 21 matches played.

They’ve not ever made it to the Proper tournament, but these scrappy little fuckers from the north end of Greenford have made it through multiple qualifying rounds, over the likes of Felixstowe & Walton United, Bedfont Town, Dunstable Town, Wokingham & Emmbrook, Hanworth Villa, and the Northampton Sileby Rangers. This season though, they were knocked out early by those bastards from Mildenhall Town.

#14: SOUTH PARK F.C. (Isthmian League, Division One South – 8th level as well) – 21 matches played as well.

They are The Sparks, and their crest is just a fuckin’ tree. They’ve existed since 1897, but only after combining with a nearby club called Reigate Town, and some home field improvements (“the installation of floodlights and new changing rooms” says Wikipedia), did they ever get to a high enough level to play even in the preliminary rounds of FA Cup qualifying. in 2012-13, they played nine matches total, away and then home replay against Cobham, home then away replay against Walton & Hersham, won an away match against Lancing, home then away replay against Harefield United, home win against Brentwood Town, before succumbing at home to the Metropolitan Police, 0-3. This year, they made it to the 2nd Qualifying Round before they got crushed at Maidstone United, 2-6. Thankfully, I made it to the end of this, too. If you made it this far, I got no idea what the fuck why.

S14: Top 14 Worst Seasons By The 7 Clubs Never Relegated From Premier League Since The Beginning (or some shit)

In honor of my increasing fascination/fandom of the world’s football, I’ve decided to (occasionally) resurrect the old Sporting 14 theme for some world’s football (soccer) related lists. I think in my brain at this point I’ll shoot for Tuesday mornings, but I’m honest enough to admit I have no idea what the fuck will actually happen. But when I have time to waste, I usually make up dorksheets of data about dumb shit like this. And what good is the internet if we don’t share our innate ridiculous bullshit with four other people?

Since the Premier League formed from out of the old English First Division, there’s been seven teams that have never gotten relegated. The Premier League was 22 teams at first, but contracted back to 20 after a couple of seasons. Still though, seven teams – Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham Hotspur, Everton, and Aston Villa – have never once been relegated in over two decades of seasons. This is notable this season because Aston Villa really sucks, and unless some sort of late season miracle happens, are likely to get relegated (and at the worst of times, as a huge TV deal with huge TV deal money kicks in next season). So I axed myself, “Raven Mack, what are the worst seasons that these seven teams have had since the Premier League started, and how close has anyone been to relegation like this out of those teams before?”

Well, here are your results, in the listing of the top fourteen worst teams from those seven, ranked according to how many points they earned in the table that season. Many seasons, all seven of these teams finished in the top ten, sometimes top 8 even, hoarding the top spots, so even beyond Aston Villa being at the bottom of the table, this year’s Premier League season is notable because the dominance of these teams at the top is not present. Still though, a Chelsea or Liverpool having a down period during a single season is far different than Aston Villa setting themselves up for the tragedy of relegation. But as you look at this stupid list, it’s not exactly surprising either…

#1: Aston Villa – 2014-15 season, 38 points, -26 goal differential, 3 points above relegation: So the worst performance by any of these teams before this year was Aston Villa last year. They hit a dry spell of 6 straight losses in September-November, and sort of rebounded until the new year rolled around. After a New Year’s Day draw, they dropped seven straight, and got their manager sacked, after falling into the actual relegation zone. They still didn’t exactly get much greater, but a few home wins plus an important away win at Tottenham Hotspur in April kept them clear of relegation. Also, somehow, they made it all the way to the final of the FA Cup, but then got blowed the fuck out by Arsenal, 4-0, at Wembley, to put a painful bow on a rough season.

#2: Aston Villa – 2013-14 season, 38 points, -22 goal differential, 5 points above relegation: And the second worst season was that same Aston Villa team the year before. They started decently enough, sitting as high as 9th in the table, but once mid-March sprang upon them, they were horrible, losing 7 of their last 9, with only a win in their last home game against Hull City, and a draw in their next-to-last home game against Southampton (as well as the ineptitude of other teams) keeping them from the relegation zone. Early home exits in both the FA Cup and League Cup only helped add to the misery.

#3: Aston Villa – 2011-12 season, 38 points, -16 goal differential, 2 points above relegation: An early trend-setting season for this current run, as they established their lowest point totals, fewest wins in a season, and worst home record in their 138-year history. I have not mentioned to this point that American lizard overlord billionaire Randy Lerner bought the team in 2006, and has been seen as instrumental in helping run the club into the fucking ground. Also, they’d still been good enough to qualify for European continental competitions, but had finished only 9th the previous season, thus this was their first time in five years not playing international football. So essentially, this is when the shit started to break.

#4: Everton – 2003-04 season, 39 points, -19 goal differential, 6 points above relegation: Even though this was Everton’s worst season since the Premier League existed (and since), they were still six points clear of relegation, so though a shitty season, not nearly as on the brink as one would expect. This season was also notable due to an 18-year-old wunderkid named Wayne Rooney, who was already linked with a sale to Manchester United, which only made their season more shaky, as opposed to stable. But important to remember Everton’s role in helping Wayne Rooney learn how to be THE WORST HUMAN BEING ON EARTH.

#5: Everton – 1997-98 season, 40 points, -15 goal differential, 0 points above relegation: Many of the non-Aston Villa listings on this list are by Everton, from various seasons over the past two decades. But never did they flirt as hard with relegation as they did in 2004. Going into the last day of games, they were actually a point down, but Bolton Wanderers lost away to Chelsea, and Everton got a point at home in a 1-1 draw with Coventry City, to move even with Bolton, but five goals ahead of them on goal differential.

#6: Aston Villa – 2012-13 season, 41 points, -22 goal differential, 5 points above relegation: Perhaps you were reading this and like, “Well, what about Aston Villa’s 2012-13 season?” Here it is. Thus 4 of the worst 6 seasons by these 7 clubs were Aston Villa’s previous 4 seasons. They did make it to the semifinals of the League Cup though. And they were as low as 19th in the table (18 thru 20 get relegated, FYI), but went 5-2-3 in their last ten to rally the fuck out the hole.

#7: Everton – 2000-01 season, 42 points, -14 goal differential, 8 points above relegation: I’ll be honest, I kinda hate Everton, though I briefly pretended not to hate them because of Tim Howard, but now I think I might hate him too. I am only pro-America when it’s convenient.

#8: Everton – 1996-97 season, 42 points, -13 goal differential, 2 points above relegation: There are Wikipedia pages for all these seasons, meaning even though I do soccer dorksheetz in down moments, there are dudes (likely dudes) who are filling in all THE IMPORTANT DETAILS OF EVERY EVERTON SEASON THAT EVER HAPPENED. And while I can’t really be casting the first stones in terms of this type of shit, I’d rather all of Wikipedia be a bunch of zines instead of a website. A giant abandoned textile mill full of fucked up Xeroxed zines, so you go to the sports level, walk over to the soccer part, go to England, and start digging through the boxes marked EVERTON to find the one that tells you about this season.

#9: Aston Villa – 2005-06 season, 42 points, -13 goal differential, 8 points above relegation: An early disappointing season for Aston Villa, with promises of the horrible things to come, which should culminate in their relegation this season. It better. I’m a Swansea fan (adopted, of course, SORRY I DIDN’T GROW UP WITH THIS SHIT I GREW UP WITH CONCUSSION BALL OKAY?) and they’re flirting with the relegation zone themselves, so I hope everybody below them just sucks the shit out of everything the rest of the year.

#10: Everton – 2001-02 season, 43 points, -12 goal differential, 7 points above relegation: Everton, yawn.

#11: Everton – 1998-99 season, 43 points, -5 goal differential, 7 points above relegation: More Everton, more yawn.

#12: Everton – 1992-93 season, 44 points, -21 goal differential, 2 points above relegation: Well, a brief interjection before another Everton yawn is that this was one of the first seasons of the actual Premier League (second), when there were 22 teams, which means they had an additional four matches with 12 possible points, but they still were shitty enough to make this list. Note the 2 points above relegation.

#13: Tottenham Hotspur – 1997-98 season, 44 points, -12 goal differential, 4 points above relegation: Finally, an appearance on this stupid list by somebody other than Aston Villa or Everton, though I also find the Spurs pretty fucking boring. When I first started “discovering” the Premier League, I briefly flirted with Hotspur fandom, as they had Gareth Bale and Clint Dempsey back then. But then I heard that stupid fucking Dan Snyder (who drove me from the concussion ball in the first place) always had eyes on buying a stake in Tottenham Hotspur, so I automatically hated them forever from that point on.

#14: Tottenham Hotspur – 2003-04 season, 45 points, -10 goal differential, 12 points above relegation: Fucking hate the Spurs. So much so I think less of people who like them.