H1ST0R1C TR4D1T10NS 0F...

historic traditions of

pilgrimage and reverence

replaced by raw consumption

TOP TEN $5 PIZZA PIZZA DEALS AT FERGUSON LITTLE CAESAR'S

#1: on days like today/all words written seem like waste/unnecessary
#2: pixels & printer/toner lacks the fucking fire/needed in cold world
#3: opinionz4u/abound (& bound) telling you/how the fuck to feel
#4: on days like today/words don’t mean shit, heavy hearts/pump blood still living
#5: “fuck presidents fuck/the police fuck laws” my mind/thinks sinking lower
#6: unfuck presidents/unfuck the police unfuck/laws my heart wishes
#7: but there’s nothing for/that wish to be built on, no/real world foundation
#8: on days like today/I want to disappear from/what we’ve created
#9: disappear from what/I’m trapped in can’t escape/”civil” is nation
#10: on days like today/we already know what’s up/& it seems hopeless

NFL WEEK 19: Divisional Playoffs

I am the least excited about NFL playoffs than I can remember being in most of my adult life. I just don't care about, and actively dislike most of the teams left playing. Part of this could be the fact my team is the Washington Redskins and I am a well-bred playa hater because the Redskins suck so badly (although we are well on our way to another off-season Super Bowl with the hire of Mike Shanahan!). But at the same time, there's not a lot to like about many of the remaining teams. Shitty personalities and overhyped superstars and teams that were unstoppable five weeks ago that looked pretty normally mediocre as the season wound down. Oh well. I will watch, because I am an American, and it is my duty to love football, passionately, so that the rest of the World will not understand me even more...

#1: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (13-3, 1st overall) - When the Chargers were up-and-coming young team full of skill position players galore and a wacky yet brutish defense with that guy that got busted for selling prescription cough syrup on their secondary (who I've always pretended was Quentin Jammer ever since, even though I know it's not, but every time I see Quentin Jammer, I smile and go, "That dude loves listening to DJ Screw"; but then Shawne Merrimanne will jump in the screen and I'll frown and go, "That dude loves exploring himself fully in a sexual way while hanging out with the longhaired Indian looking dude from Black Eyed Peas"). But somewhere along the way, and I think it was the overuse of the powder blue jerseys, or it might just be the fact I hate Norv Turner like Tennessee people hate Lane Kiffin, but for different reasons though just as passionately, but I just don't like the Chargers. Sad thing is there's a good chance they'll play the Colts in the AFC Championship game, and I hate the Colts worse than everybody in football except for the Cowboys. Actually this year's playoffs is like a giant parade of Teams Raven Hates. I should really get satellite TV now that I have a job again and just start watching hockey.

#2: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (13-3, 2nd overall) - I think their last few weeks was just smoke and mirror laziness, and their offense will turn it back on pretty easily about halfway through this weekend's game against the Cardinals. Perhaps this will be out of necessity, because I don't think defenses can just turn it on or off as easily, far more rhythm oriented than people understand, especially with a blitz from nine angles attack like Gregggg Williams uses for the Saints. The Cardinals/Saints game could end up being even more high-scoring than the Cardinals/Packers one. That would be fun to watch. I missed most of the Cards/Pack game, and caught the overtime ending at the stupid laundromat drying our clothes since our dryer is still broke. (Should probably buy a new heater coil being I have a job again as well.) The laundromat on a Sunday night is a vast wasteland of bi-racial mongoloids and people of low mental aptitude with eyeballs slid too far apart like a rhesus monkey lab experiment on fetal alcohol syndrome.

#3: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (14-2, 3rd overall) - Yeah, according to my mathematically brilliant season-long scoring system, the Colts are only ranked 3rd overall in the NFL. I know everybody is all like, "This is the team to beat. Peyton Manning is the greatest QB you will ever see in your life even if they cryogenically freeze you and you come back in 200 years and your job is to watch every football game ever played with the eyes of someone who was alive back around the year 2000 when the game was considered more brutal and repugnant and caveman-like." Fuck Peyton Manning. And the Colts have ugly uniforms.

#4: DALLAS COWBOYS (12-5, 4th overall) - Oh man, Cowboys bring the hatred. I have a friend who is a classic cynical Philly-style Eagles fan, and in the last couple weeks, though our team allegiances are natural enemies, we have bonded strongly in our mutual distaste for the media hype machine being slowly cranked up for this Dallas Cowboy team, since they finally won a playoff game. The simple fact of the matter is it is still the Cowboys team coached by Wade Wiggum (a retard coach, so strike one), quarterbacked by Tony Romo (a closeted homosexual QB of middling talent, who wishes Jason Witten sang like Carrie Underwood, or that Carrie Underwood had an ass like Jason Witten, one or the other), and owned by Jerry Jones (who should be proud of himself because with Dan Snyder's recent forays into running blind circles, and Al Davis not dead, he's technically only the 3rd worst owner in the NFL). But the more complex fact of the matter is the NFL this time of year is pre-engineered like a Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock Wrestlemania bout, so things happen for a reason. And the Dallas Cowboys are a great storied franchise that can get hyped up at the right time, as the Vikings and Saints start to ebb backwards into a late season low tide, and such a great and storied franchise would make for a great Super Bowl losing opponent to Peyton's Colts, to make it seem like Peyton's won like 5 Super Bowls instead of just the one, as you flash through history and see all the Cowboy victories, and then those exact same uniforms losing to Peyton and the Colts. Really, I fully expect the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl and lose to the Colts because I fully believe the league is crooked as fuck and fixed, not choreographed but fixed, and this will make Peyton Manning seem more God-like, which is the goal, as Tom Brady's knee did not stand the test of this season and the NFL figurehead superstar slot needs to be replaced, and without the same model good looks and charming smile, Peyton's gonna need to seem like the best QB ever forever plus two years to be the ultimate superstar.

#5: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (12-4, 6th overall) - Ol' Farvey and his new pack of schoolyard ballmates get to host the stupid Dallas Cowboys this weekend, in what should probably break down like this. First half is competitive, but not too exciting, more of a build-up than anything. Second half, early on, Farvey is hurt on a few rough sacks or near sacks, but plays on. This refers back to the previously established Farve/Childress stay in the game storyline. Then Farvey throws a few errant passes, makes a halfway comeback, almost there, but then an interception kills the tying drive in the closing minutes. This creates a good Super QB in the Big Game rub for Tony Romo, and the injured but refuses to quit angle plays well with Farvey's Ol' Gunslinger personna. Then he goes into mulling retirement mode until the first week of September.

#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (10-7, 7th overall) - The Ravens are the only team left that I feel I can root for, and I don't necessarily like them in a franchise sense, with ugly uniforms and stoling my go-by name. But a friend is a Ravens fan, and I enjoy their style, at times, and Ed Reed's bushy Grady Jr. if Sanford & Son still existed beard fills my heart with joy. And really, their game with the Colts is gonna be made or broken by whether their defense can play up to the game, beyond the common sports media meme of "this Ravens defense is not as good as it usually is" and they can make some plays. Wouldn't it be awesome to see Ray Lewis piledrive Peyton Manning into the turf and he's out for the game and Jim Corgi or Ralph Blyleven or whoever the fuck finishes the season for the Colts? And man oh man, if ever there was a black dude who was more thankful for the whiteboy who worked for him than Jim Caldwell, I'd like to meet that black dude. Well, not really, because he'd probably be a dickhead capitalist fuckface managerial type black dude who felt he had come up in life by exploiting the talents and efforts of others who were below him on some sort of arbitrary chain of power chart.

#7: ARIZONA CARDINALS (11-6, 9th overall) - Usually I would root completely against Kurt Warner because of his whole Jesus Concussion thing, but I didn't when they were playing the Packers. And watching the game I realized what it was... Aaron Rodgers, with his dark sunken eyes and blank expression, looks 95% facial matching technology like my youngest sister's old crackhead boyfriend who wrecked their car on purpose, almost killed my sister, and went to jail for being a complete punk ass piece of shit. So as much as I hate fake ass Christian do-gooder asshole types, I hate crackheads who fuck up a few years of my sister's life even more. I'm not sure if that means I get into Heaven or Hell, so I guess I'm lucky neither of them even exist.

#8: NEW YORK JETS (10-7, 11th overall) - As much as I hate the San Diego Chargers, I don't much care for the New York Jets. It pisses me off a fat fuck loudmouth and loveable asshole coach like Rex Ryan is being wasted up in New Jersey. He'd be a much better fit in one of the North division teams, or better yet as the new coach of Tennessee. In fact, Rex Ryan is tailor made for the SEC, and his monstrous defense doing battle with Urban Meyer's finesse offense would be a tasty Saturday afternoon treat for years to come. Instead he coaches the stupid Jets, who hope Mark Sanchez doesn't get distracted by pussy so much he throws five interceptions and loses the game.

Boddingtons Pub Ale

AFFORDABILITY: The Boddingtons is a tall, yellow, English can in collections of four, with the wooden freshness wicket inside that is some sort of limey technological advance, and I can’t front on that because them dudes been drinking forever, and appreciate a good neighborly drunk ass far more than we do in America. I guess we are too much of a car culture, and the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers went buckwild with governmental lobbying power over convicted rapists who drank 49 beers and ran through two red lights and a stop sign into a front yard full of four-year-olds having a wholesome birthday party. I cannot say the Boddingtons was cheap, but it is limey - the Motherland - so I consider that a heritage tax. Of course, I’m an All-American Southern mutt of a man, but I know from my last name at least, I be having blood alcohol content lines from the land of Andy Capp and fried fish wrapped up in yesterday’s newspaper. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I have found the drunkenness factor of most limey beers to depend on my mood. I think it is because I am so thoroughly an American mostly Southern mutt of a man, that my very thick limey roots sometimes are crosswired by other influences. Used to be a few Guinnesses was like my favorite money-to-burn drunk I could want. It doesn't seem to work so much anymore. Honestly, I think this is due to my wife's introduction to fermented foods to our diet, like sauerkraut as well as spicy kimchi, but the spicy kimchi is cabbage-heavy, red cabbage at that, and comes off more German than Korean, at least to me, especially since I eat it with bratwursts. Really, counter-fermented sauerkraut, as opposed to the sterilized pasteurized and uselessized store style sauerkraut, has such a tingly taste from the lactobacilli - so healthy for you - it blends perfectly with a good sausage made from non-genetically mutated pigs. You know the pig industry pretty much has modified them bitches completely so that they all grow to the exact same size so instead of having humans (or Mexicans) slaughter them, they can have a fully automated assembly line where the knives cut at the same height or spot as programmed and since all the pigs have been bred to be clones, it works, saves the company tons of money on having to pay humans to prepare meat foods for other humans, thus maximizing the profit for the parent corporation, which will all one day form like Voltron in the Heavens, and feast on baby blood. The trick will be to take the demented Alzheimer’s ridden brains of our growing elderly populace and make tonics from them using apple cider vinegar and a few sprigs of astralagus root, to mix into the baby’s food (hopefully breast milk if you want to naturally immunize your child against manmade trifles like swine flu or Star magazine), which will put into the baby blood pathogens that haywire the Voltron corporate overlord, eventually destroying him (or her I guess, if women can consider the possibility of female ultimate god, they should be game for female ultimate devil). So when you see old people being crazy, even in your own family, I know it seems uncomfortable at times, and can be a depressingly difficult thing to deal with. But remember, it is all a part in our gradual return to our own humanity, which we have strayed from. Anyways, my clusterfuck genetics were not recognizing their old world influences while drinking upon the Boddingtons Pub Ale, but it’s cool man. It’s cool. 2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Mostly yellow and black with highlights and embosses of white and red, and an oak barrel with some bumblebees on it in the middle. Very simple, yet tight. A back panel explains their Draughtflow technology, which attempts unsuccessfully to imitate the perfection of it being pulled by hand into a glass (they say it’s imperfect, not me), and it makes me want to be a drunkard. 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Man, I love the questionable cover companies of foreign beers in America. This yeller can says, "Brewed by Inbev UK Limited," which sounds tight as fuck and like the Russian mafia along with some questionable Irishmen might be involved, plus "Imported by Import Brands Alliance, St. Louis, MO," which suggest some Anheuser-Douchery most likely, but one can never tell. I did think though that Import Brands Alliance was Harley Race's wrestling promotion where he used dudes from Pro Wrestling Noah in a Missouri strip mall to have fake fights in front of 75 people. Harley Race was great. I was just watching some Best of Starrcade dubVD in the background while doing some other bullshit writing project the other night, and that Ric Flair/Harley Race cage match was awesome. It's embarrassing to admit you liked wrestling in 2009, because even the “good” stuff is homoerotic and degenerate. It’s like porn, none of it is wholesome for regular people to watch anymore, just foster home kids and those of questionable intellect. I have found, in persona recent experience, that porn is a lost cause. With the presence of someone else, watching porn actually gets in the way of sexual activity, because a majority of porn is catering to some sort of twisted and incompetent individual. Sad thing is I think people watch it, including girls, and they think crap like having panties stuffed in their mouths is kosher. Look, in the case a girl is reading this, as a 36-year-old man who loves sex and is alpha male as fuck yet is raising three daughters of his own, you should never put a dude’s dick in your mouth before you kiss him. And if he won’t kiss you afterwards, he’s an asshole. Same thing for him though. If he gives you head, you better kiss him if he comes up for air. Seriously. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Enjoyable, a nice balance of snooty and down-to-earth. Were I a rich man, I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking this, and as I’m a poor man, I would never fill a cooler to head down to the river to soak away the summer humidity with these things, with their new-fangled internal corks and shit. In fact, I’m gonna rip this bitch open and see what a “widget” exactly is... Apparently, a Brit-beer widget, at least as found inside this can of Boddington’s, is some sort of gumball machine toy from a grocery store after aliens openly live among us, and it smells like you drained a can of dollar sardines on a hairy vagina. Still though, I love cans of sardines, hairy vaginas, and alien conspiracies. Plus, widgets are way better inside beer cans than inside internets. 8 out of 5, and I keep smelling my fingers. I’m nasty.
TOTAL RATING: 4 & 2/5 STARS!