S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Final Four

Let me do this before I blow it off in adrenaline overdose for the game tonight. I have always been a sports fan, and always enthusiastically attached myself to teams that I have no control over whatsoever, and this is the most geeked up for a sporting contest that I've been in my adult life probably. I don't even want to do anything today, trying not to sidetrack myself. The wife was like, "Hey let's go do this thing this morning," and I was like, "Can't, game tonight." Motherfucking amped.
Anyways, here are the top 14 scorers coming at you live and in living color on the CBS Final Four spectacular out of H-Town tonight. I hope you will be abusing prescription codeine cough syrup in memory of DJ Screw while you watch the second game...
#1: SHELVIN MACK (Butler Junior guard; 195 total tournament points, 86 this year) - Star player for the starless team that had their star from last year in Gordon Heyward go pro early in a rare move for a goofy-looking white kid. I have no idea who even drafted that dude. Probably the Utah Jazz to guess off the top of my head because a lovable and unscary white kid would be huge in Mormonland. That's probably why Deron Williams got run off. Anyways, Butler is the only returning team from last year, and has more Final Four experience than anyone else here, which is odd considering they're from the Horizon League. They have been hyping up the idea that "If VCU is this year's Butler, then Butler is this year's Duke." Whatever. Hoosiers is a great movie to watch with your children, but this ain't 1953 and drunk Dennis Hopper cannot be redeemed by Jesus Basketball in the real world. Fuck you Butler. You are not playing in Indiana this year; it is Houston - the home of space travel and codeine cough syrup abuse, two things much more attuned to the Richmond, Virginia, VCU way of life. (Note, most of this thing today is going to be nonsense babble along these lines.)
#2: KEMBA WALKER (Connecticut Junior guard; 158 total tourney points, 107 this year) - Kemba Walker is the bonafide star of this Final Four, and the one single guy who scares me most as a fan, because he can just take over, which is funny, that was the knock against him before this year, that he didn't do that. UConn won five straight in the Big East tourney to win the automatic qualifier and boost their seeding going into the tourney, but you should remember that before that, they were slotted by pundits and experts to be like a #10 or #11 seed themselves. Three weeks later and they are the top seed left. Look for him to light up tonight, even though it may not be enough if Coach Calipari's Shady All-Stars can focus for a third week in a row.
#3: MATT HOWARD (Butler Senior forward; 148 total tourney points, 65 this year) - Howard is their go-to whiteface this year, and was the dude who made the last second shot to beat Old Dominion in the first round (which is now called the second round), and hit the free throws at the end to beat #1 seed Pitt in the second round (now called the third). He also is a sterile-assed white dude, you can see it in his eyes. Playing Duke was easier for them last year than playing VCU will be tonight. Duke is basically like Whiteboy All-Stars, so it was comfortable ground. VCU will be uncomfortable.
#4: BRADFORD BURGESS (VCU Junior forward/guard; 89 total tourney points, 79 this year) - Mr. Richmond, as he played high school south of Richmond, wasn't recruited anywhere that much, and went to VCU to become a school phenom. Called Big Shot Bradford in some circles (I heard it one time on the radio), and his younger brother, who plays at a Richmond private school with a storied basketball program, is now being recruited hard by VCU. That's the beauty of this shit - public school kid gets a scholarship to go to college, paves the way for balling ass younger brother to get private school hook-up into basketball machinery, and Big Bradford Burgess is enjoying this run this year, and probably has earned himself enough notoriety to go overseas and ball for the next five years as well. We harp on the AAU superstars who are one-and-done in college basketball all the time (and will be perfectly evident on the Kentucky roster tonight), but this shit really does open doors for some people that wouldn't have it opened up otherwise. And you kinda have to take the shitty dudes who ruin it to allow for all the other guys who are given access to a different life. (Now I'm speaking without knowledge on Mr. Burgess's life situation, and am not assuming he's some gully ass inner-city kid, because if memory serves me correctly, he went to Midlothian, which is suburban Richmond, but old suburbs. But the fact of the matter is, basketball opened opportunities to him, and shit I went to VCU, so if he got to go for free, he's starting out three steps ahead of many others. It's all about seizing opportunities in this world, not squandering them, regardless of how they fall your way.)
#5: JAMIE SKEEN (VCU Senior forward; 78 total tourney points, all of them this year) - Against Kansas and their bullying pair of twin towers in Marcus and Markief Morris, Jamie Skeen became one of my favorite college basketball players ever. Seriously. He handled them perfectly, was busting enough 3-pointers as a big man to make them uncomfortable, and those big blue-chip dudes looked rattled. After the game was over, camera close-up of Skeen and he just looks at the camera, then busts a big smile, not crazy not ecstatic, just calm and chill and happy. His demeanor in interviews is the same, and hearing him say he wants to follow Eric Maynor and Larry Sanders into the NBA (both were first round draft picks out of VCU the past two years), it makes me happy for Skeen, because he's got to have more chances to crack an NBA roster now than he did the first week of March.
#6: DARIUS MILLER (Kentucky Junior forward; 74 total tourney points, 38 this year) - A small-time contributor on last year's Kentucky team, and a big-time player this year, sort of by default, because it's about the one-and-doners for the most part. Weird to think about Coach Calipari's three Final Four teams he's had, because with UMass, there was Marcus Camby as the obvious star. And then Memphis had Derrick Rose, who has matured in the NBA into the superstar he didn't get a chance to do so as in college. Who's the guy in Kentucky? I'm not sure, and with Calipari the great recruiter and so-so coach in charge, that's a bad combo against Kemba Walker.
#7: JEREMY LAMB (Connecticut Freshman guard; 73 total tourney points, all of them this year) - Freshman bad ass to complement King Kemba. They will be a tough team to beat this weekend.
#8: BRANDON ROZZELL (VCU Senior guard; 73 total tourney points, 70 this year) - Mr. Chill, with a chill ass beard, and chill ass demeanor, handling point guard duties when Joey Rodriguez inevitably has that part of the game where he gets two fouls real quickly.
#9: BRANDON KNIGHT (Kentucky Freshman guard; 63 total tourney points, all of them this year) - Didn't this guy play for Washington a couple years ago? Another freshman superstar for Coach John Calipari. It's really sad to see Kentucky fans justify Calipari because, as crooked as you had to think Kentucky basketball already was, with Calipari as the figurehead of the program, they're not even pretending anymore. It's like Obama bombing Libya and admitting the CIA is checking out the rebels, who are suspected to have Al Qaeda ties, before they are given weapons to combat Gaddhafi. People don't even front anymore. We are America, we are big, we are fucked and corrupt, deal with it.
#10: JOSH HARRELSON (Kentucky Senior forward; 61 total tourney points, 59 this year) - And then there is Josh Harrelson, the redneck goofball who looks like Solomon Grundy's little sister might've been his mom. Somehow, through early departures of highly-touted, Harrelson is now a key contributor, especially on the boards. Plus, it's always great to see shots of his dad in the crowd, who looks like he's probably a huge Stone Cold Steve Austin fan.
#11: JOEY RODRIGUEZ (VCU Senior guard; 59 total tourney points, 51 this year) - VCU's success will (and has this year) depend entirely on Rodriguez's ability to handle the hype. When he plays well, they do well. When he becomes unraveled, they have to turn to Rozzell, which can work as well, but really they need Rodriguez, because he can hit threes and slash inside and dish the assists. He's a really underrated point guard, and I say this coming from my perspective, because he came after Eric Maynor, who's probably one of the best point guards I ever saw play live. So Rodriguez had a lot to live up to, and I think I held it against him partially he wasn't Maynor (which was proven last weekend against Kansas when J-Rod tried to go all Maynor and launch 25-foot 3-point shots, airballing them in very un-Maynor like fashion). But Rodriguez is fucking great man, fucking great, not only on the court but in how he's handled all the accompanying limelight. He's put it all back on VCU and Richmond, even after the win over Kansas, in the locker room story afterwards, instead of getting caught up in Final Four hysteria, he was showing teammates pictures of people taking to the streets back home in Richmond. And the great thing about VCU is they've been motivated by how people were hating on them from the beginning. My man Jon Bone put it best when he said that's straight up Richmond style right there, being fueled by negativity.
#12: DEANDRE LIGGINS (Kentucky Junior guard; 56 total tourney points, 38 this year) - All the tattoos and swagger of a Division I star, and there were some stupid stories about him on Yahoo yesterday, but I didn't read them because I don't care.
#13: RONALD NORED (Butler Junior guard; 54 total tourney points, 9 this year) - Hasn't really even contributed as much this year as he did last, and has a stupid name. Fuck Indiana. It is the worst state on Earth, and by Earth I mean America, and when I say worst, I am pretending Maryland doesn't exist.
#14: SHAWN VANZANT (Butler Senior guard; 52 total tourney points, 30 this year) - Were I at the game, I would just yell "FREEBIRD!" at this dude the whole game. My boy D-Mo had some tickets fall into his lap for this, so he is going, and said he was gonna dress up like Hunter S. Thompson. He better.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Elite 8 Sunday

I am bored with doing these, and honestly am completely geeked/amped/hyped for the VCU game this afternoon, as hyped as I've been for any Redskins football game in 15 years. I am fucking hyped. So this will be a rush job, just so if someone comes back and is like, "Why did you do all of them except that Sunday? Why did you quit?" I will have stifled that. Not like that happens. Shit, not even sure if anybody reads this. I should really start just doing this shit in notebooks myself again because when you throw it into the maelstrom that is the interwebz, you attach the hopes someone sees it. But no one does. So then there is failure in your heart. My heart is clogged enough from years of fried chicken from assorted country stores. But here be the top 14 bitches playing ball today, as ranked by scoring points throughout their collegiate career in the NCAA tournamentel format...
#1: MARCUS MORRIS (Kansas Junior forward; 100 total previous NCAA tournament points, 46 this year) - One of them Morris boys that will have to be shut the fuck down today by my VCU Rams. That's a tall order - no pun intended. With Kansas being the only #1 seed remaining, I don't know... I hate to put negative psychic energy out there, but they seem almost unstoppable.
#2: TYLER ZELLER (UNC Junior forward; 93 previous tourney points, 82 this year) - Seven-foot white dude with pug face has blossomed into a workable slightly lesser Tyler Hansbrough. Still has another year left on his contract too, so should be a pugilist of Plumlees next year. (I am sad no one reads this, because "pugilist of Plumlees" is probably one of the better little twists of phrase anyone has written during this basketball tournament. I should start hyping myself to the world more; but then I wouldn't have time to actually do my nonsense.)
#3: BRADFORD BURGESS (VCU Junior guard; 80 previous tourney points, 70 this year) - Big Shot Brad came through at the end of the game Friday night, and had me stomping my feet and cackling like a rabid unicorn, waking up children, scaring animals, generally creating chaos in the middle of east coast sleepy time with my sports-related emotional overdoses. Big Shot Brad is gonna have to be the fuck on-point today, all day. Also man, Shaka Smart is probably coaching candidate of the year at every major school looking right now, and they are all anxiously awaiting talking at holmes as soon as this magical run is over. But man, what a run by VCU this has been, and Burgess still has another year to come back. I am not sure how my beloved VCU does it, but somehow they've gotten a run of good short-time head coaches who keep the cupboard stocked for mid-major successes.
#4: HARRISON BARNES (UNC Freshman forward; 66 previous tourney points, all of it this year) - While at this point I am pulling for UNC, during the regular season I usually am against them unless it is against Duke. So the fact Harrison Barnes has developed into a tremendous presence bothers me. He did not really immediately enough to be an NBA one-and-doner I do not think, so he will be back, to absolutely torment everybody else in the ACC next year. So while I am stoked for him doing well right now (I could never root for John Calipari team... I don't think), I am frustrated this motherfucker is playing at UNC.
#5: DARIUS MILLER (Kentucky Junior guard; 63 previous tourney points, 27 this year) - Like I just said, I could never root for a John Calipari team. He is just much too much of an obvious sketchy dick. I mean, this time of year those personal prejudices and allegiances get stretched and tested. I was pulling for them when they played Ohio State, but I had to pretend Calipari wasn't over there. I thought the same might happen against UNC, but I don't know... they are basically the same thing, just one in a darker shade of blue - two storied and powerful programs that get all the top kids simply by being who they are. Roy Williams is far more palatable than Calipari... I don't know. I have a feeling this is a game that I won't have a horse in until it kind of falls into place while the game is on. I would guess if VCU loses that I'll pull for UNC to have an ACC team represent in the Final Four. But if VCU wins, I will probably root for Kentucky to have lower seeds in the Final Four, although a UNC/UConn game probably bodes better for eliminating UConn (Big East hatred), and a UNC/VCU championship game would be great, and probably make my buddy Loftin's head fly off his shoulders in glee.
#6: MARKIEF MORRIS (Kansas Junior forward; 62 previous tourney points, 44 this year) - He is the other big twin. They were in a gang with O-Dogg and were involved in an armed robbery before their freshman year at Kansas, but O-Dogg pistol-whipped the store clerk and retrieved the tape of the robbery, so the Morris boys had their scholarships intact. Marcus is a better baller, but Markief is gullier. In fact, the reason he doesn't score as much is because he's high most games.
#7: BRANDON ROZZELL (VCU Senior guard; 61 previous tourney points, 58 this year) - Along with Boo Boo Rodriguez, the senior leadership on this VCU team that has already won 4 games in the tourney, which is 33% more than anybody else in the Elite 8. Math is fundamental.
#8: BRADY MORNINGSTAR (Kansas Senior guard; 59 previous tourney points, 36 this year) - Kansas. White guy. Named Brady. Heir to the veggie burger empire. White. As. Fuck.
#9: TYREL REED (Kansas Senior guard; 55 previous tourney points, 20 this year) - See above, just without the soy-based inheritance.
#10: TYSHAWN TAYLOR (Kansas Junior guard; 54 previous tourney points, 27 this year) - How many motherfuckers are on this team? Well, I know probably like 12 to 14. But damn, how am I supposed to care about this many guys? My biggest problem with Kansas is actually kind of stupid - it's the font they use on their uniforms for names and numbers. It's slightly wild westernly, but with a touch of ragtime happiness. I find it annoying, and thus hate Kansas, especially since they are always so good. Except head coach Bill Self is infamous for having his teams experience post-season meltdowns at inopportune moments. That day will hopefully be today for the calendar year 2011.
#11: JOHN HENSON (UNC Sophomore forward; 52 previous tourney points, all of it this year) - Not the dude with the Rasheed Wallace mark on his hair that used to host Talk Soup, which I guess is now just The Soup. Some other dude named John Henson, although I'm not even sure if that old Talk Soup dude's name is actually John Henson. I was just operating off memory, and honestly I've been bored and gobbling oxycodone's like Altoids the past couple nights, just to give myself something to wobble through.
#12: JAMIE SKEEN (VCU Senior forward; 52 previous tourney points, all of it this year) - Skeen is the one guy on VCU who can take over a game to some extent. He started his college days at Wake Forest, but transferred after a year, and man, I can't even begin to suggest how excited I am for this game. A problem I have is the student body at VCU freaked out after the win on Friday night and were taking over the streets of Richmond after the game. Ideally you want to save that type of energy for the final big win, and to do so then suggests that at that point, psychically, VCU was content. That's not good. Them motherfuckers should be hungry to do it all. The chip on their shoulder should not be satisfied until there's one team left on the bracket. When George Mason made their run, it was the same thing. Once they knocked off UConn and made the Final Four, you could sense they were good at that point. No need to push further. That's what made Butler's run last year so great, was they had that hunger the whole way through, and were only one missed basket away from winning the title, which would be amazing for a mid-major school in today's college basketball environment. The thing is, if VCU can knock off Kansas this afternoon, it sets up a Final Four game against Butler, which would essentially be a battle between two mid-majors. Thus, VCU would regard them as their equal, not a power conference heavyweight stacked with talent that would never even consider VCU. This, psychologically, makes VCU feel they have an even shot in that first Final Four game. And whatever team gets to the championship, at that point you're in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a mid-major (although Butler is attempting to disprove those odds), so you might as well go all the fuck out at that point. Well, now that I've plotted it all out, I've probably jinxed them. RAM NATION!
#13: JOEY RODRIGUEZ (VCU Senior forward; 50 previous tourney points, 42 this year) - Rodriguez is a small dude on the floor, but has shown himself to be solid with the ball as a point guard, and a terribly annoying defensive gnat. This run through the tournament has probably made Boo Boo, as he is affectionately known, a hot commodity in the overseas leagues. Rodriguez probably added five years to his basketball dream of playing professionally in the past two weeks. God bless him.
#14: JOSH HARRELLSON (Kentucky Senior forward; 49 previous tourney points, 47 this year) - See, I am thankful this dude finally made the list after his big game on Friday night, because he is the reason I would root for Kentucky. They showed his dad during one game in the first week of the tourney, and his dad was in like a t-shirt, camouflage baseball hat, normal redneck dude facial hair, looked like he'd be in front of me at Kidds Country Store getting himself a bologna burger. And Harrellson himself has that grubby redneck kid look as well. That means he's got to be a huge fan favorite for the Kentucky fanbase, because let's face it, Kentucky is full of ignorant, racist people who live and die for UK basketball. You drive through the business route of any small town in the Bluegrass State and you're gonna see some roly-poly future diabetes cases blue collaring their way through the day in some Wildcats gear. I do not condescend towards this at all, because such things are beautiful things, and perfect for the American World we have built. But with Calipari - who is somewhat of an obvious yankee (and I know Kentucky is not technically a southern state, but they along with West Virginia are for all intents and purposes part of the south at this point, culturally at least) - and a slew of questionably behaving black dudes, Harrellson, with his Solomon Grundy-like bumbling looks and brutarian basketball stylings, he's like one of "us" to most of those people. God bless him, too. In fact, god bless us all. I mean fuck it, the world is coated in Japanese radiation, half of the Middle East is overthrowing itself while our beloved leaders decide that out of 12 countries oppressing people and having revolts on their hands, only Gaddhafi is worth bothering with, so let's bomb the fuck out of him, relentlessly, just because. And here we are sitting around watching basketball obsessively. God best bless us, because if he don't, we're fucked.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Elite 8 Saturday

Thursday's games were not as hyped up as Friday's, although the two early games last night were probably the worst pair of this Sweet 16 round. I still cannot complain enough about the lack of switching games on the main CBS feed, because it just ain't the same flipping channels (or, as in my case, listening on the radio to one game while the other is on TV with the sound muted). Still though, two games tonight that could go far in helping set up one of the most intriguing Final Fours in a long time. Butler vs. Florida is a great underdog mid-major team against a power conference power team, even if Butler did this exact same thing last year, and Florida, even with a pair of National Championships a few years ago, is not exactly a historically powerful basketball elite school And Arizona vs. UConn is a pair of major conference programs who have been the best at times. But somehow both of them have a certain underdog feel to them. That's gonna be a great game if they both come with the adrenaline. Nonetheless, here are your top 14 players on the hardwood today who have scored the most points in NCAA tournament games over the course of their student-athlete charade...
#1: SHELVIN MACK (Butler Junior guard; 168 total previous NCAA tournament points, 58 this year) - It is an overplayed sports talking meme to say this is a solid team, and far more than the result of one great player in Gordon Heyward last year. They are a collection of players, and their big dog here in Shelvin Mack isn't even a Senior, which is usually a pre-requisite for teams like this making a deep and shocking run. Mack and Matt Howard give Butler a fairly good inside-outside combo, even when usually at this point, mid-major teams look undersized against the power teams. This is a scrappy little fucking team, and as I always love when teams get to where their tourney seeding is higher than the amount of teams left still playing, I am very much wishing for them to knock off Florida this afternoon.
#2: KEMBA WALKER (Connecticut Junior guard; 138 previous tourney points, 87 this year) - Walker is probably the best player left in the tourney. Sometimes you have guys who are hyped to the moon and they don't live up to that hype, or at the college level they don't deliver on that promise, and then they go pro, and they make millions but don't really deliver dagger baskets at that level either, and they are just very talented basketball players who use their talents like a dude going to work every day - nothing spectacular, nothing terrible, just existing. But then you have some guys like Kemba Walker who can't just be straight workers like that. They have to win. They have to be the best, right now, not next year, or content with how good they are even if they don't get declared the best by the scoreboard at the end of the night. Walker is the fucking man, and even if Arizona gets adrenalinized tonight, Walker is the type of dude who just squelches such adrenalin bursts. He has somehow made me not even hate Jim Calhoun specifically, or Connecticut in general. No one else has ever done that, except for that Khalid El-Amin kid, who was so pudgy and street-tastic it was impossible to not love.
#3: MATT HOWARD (Butler Senior forward; 134 previous tourney points, 51 this year) - Howard played a big role in knocking off Wisconsin, and is a scrappy old school board-crasher. Really, if Butler with it's built-in real life Hoosiers of the 21st Century story, and VCU as the little pesky mid-major that could somehow end up meeting in the Final Four... fuck, it would have greasy old sportswriters nationwide drooling over themselves about the chaotic beautiful perfection of the March Madnesses.
#4: DERRICK WILLIAMS (Arizona Sophomore forward; 71 previous tourney points, all of it this year) - One of the great things about the NCAA tournament is how, as it gets into the second week, there are moments where stars are born, right before your eyes. That was Derrick Williams on Thursday night, leading the beatdown of Duke. Sure, he most likely would've plugged along at Arizona regardless of this year's tournament, and got himself drafted into the NBA, and been successful. But he transcended that and made himself known now. There will be no need for heavy scouting and tape analysis to get the attention of NBA GMs. He made himself fucking known.
#5: KENNY BOYNTON (Florida Sophomore guard; 69 previous tourney points, 42 this year) - I just don't like Florida much. Their back-to-back title runs, they had a full starting line-up of solid collegiate level superstars, who could ebb and flow with each other, confident that somebody would step up and take over every night, just maybe not the same person, or even the same two. That's kind of exactly what Billy Donovan has going on now with this team, just the superstar line-up is like two levels lower than his version of the Fab Five a couple years back. Boynton is the beyond-the-3-point-line threat on this team, and only a sophomore, which means he'll be gunning it in boring NCAA tournament games that I wish would hurry up and get out of the way of the next game for another couple years probably.
#6: ERVING WALKER (Florida Junior guard; 67 previous tourney points, 55 this year) - Erving Walker makes me think of Magic Johnson, which makes me think of how weird he looks in that Dove commercial, which flashes back to him when he was younger and still playing, which makes me think about him getting the HIV from a stripper he fucked or something. I wonder how his wife feels watching that commercial, being in her head like, "After that picture, Erving was cheating on me and got HIV and nearly ruined our lives," and then get all mad and Magic Johnson comes into the room and is like, "Hey, you wanna go out to that new Thai restaurant tonight? I'd love some good dim sum tonight." And then she's like, "Fuck you Erving. I bet you would like some dim sum, you fucking piece of shit. Do whatever the fuck you want. I'm going to Rhonda's house."
#7: JEREMY LAMB (Connecticut Freshman guard/forward; 54 previous tourney points, all of it this year) - Jeremy Lamb is also the name of the main character in a graphic novel about a sort of gothy sad fat kid in high school who goes off to an art school in North Carolina from his suburban Pennsylvania home, loses a bunch of weight by hiking mountain trails all the time, and is mentored by a acid casualty little gnome of a crazy guy living outside of Asheville, who eventually convinces Jeremy Lamb that he has to make up for what the old dude didn't do, which was not murdering and destroying the earth, too hung up on the peaceful vibes of the '60s, but that did no good because the world is a more terrible place now than ever before.
#8: CHANDLER PARSONS (Florida Senior forward; 53 previous tourney points, 33 this year) - Chandler is not so much a good name for a dude.
#9: RONALD NORED (Butler Junior guard; 50 previous tourney points, 5 this year) - Nored's not having much of a role in the tourney thus far, relegated to a bench role this season, and becoming almost another bench coach in the process. He also is already coaching AAU basketball, and has a big forehead.
#10: SHAWN VANZANT (Butler Senior guard; 47 previous tourney points, 25 this year) - Not related to Ronnie, so far as I know. I didn't actually look that up or anything, but I'm assuming a college basketball player is not the dead singer of Lynyrd Skynyrd's kinfolk.
#11: VERNON MACKLIN (Florida Senior center; 45 previous tourney points, 29 this year) - Vernon Macklin sounds like the fake full name a Bay Area rapper would give themselves, so that you'd have Bay Area Thizztape 23: Corner Whippets, by Mistah F.A.B. aka the Fabulous Percywinkle featuring V-Mudd aka Vernon Macklin.
#12: ALEX TYUS (Florida Senior forward; 41 previous tourney points, 35 this year) - Tyus is the Gators Senior presence, and he took the paint over against BYU, eliminating those offensive rebound kickbacks to stupid fucking Jimmer Fredette that result in a massive 3-point barrage. Thank fucking god Jimmermania is dead.
#13: SOLOMON HILL (Arizona Sophomore forward; 36 previous tourney points, 16 this year) - There were a few dudes in that Arizona game that had some massive plays in the 2nd half, and some posterizing dunks on hapless Dukie whiteboys. It was glorious, and will make me feel warm feelings towards Arizona for as long as they wear the dark jerseys of the lower seed, which most likely will be the rest of the tourney, for as far as they go.
#14: JAMELLE HORNE (Arizona Senior forward, 36 previous tourney points, 16 this year) - Just see above for this dude too, because I don't know who is who. It's not a West Coast bias. In fact, I think with the Japanese radiation, West Coast basketball will probably be better than ever, now that people will have undetectable mutant powers multiplying their natural athleticism.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Sweet 16 Friday

It is Sweet 16 Friday, and I can tell you all of my eyes and focus is on San Antonio, Texas, where the two colleges from Richmond, VA, could pull off upsets and actually meet each other in a Cinderella showdown to go to the Final Four. VCU is my alma mater, so I am all the fuck over this year's run. I am giddy, and honestly, after the past couple years taking my daughter to the CAA tourney and seeing Eric Maynor live and enjoying Larry Sanders dunking on bitches, I can say without a doubt that the #2 sports team on my personal allegiance scale. So I am thoroughly amped the fuck up, and have been ever since last Sunday when they destroyed Purdue. But here are today's top 14 returning scorers, balling it up today. Of course the games I want to see are not on CBS, being full of double digit seeded underdogs in the Southwest regionals, so I will be listening to internet radio play-by-play (far superior to any other form) while watching the shitty big boys play in high def on the big TV in my living room that I'm still not sure how we got or why we have it...
#1: DAVID LIGHTY (Ohio State Senior guard/forward; 94 points in NCAA tournaments, 33 this year) - I cannot pull ever for an Ohio State team. They seem so hodgepodge and pulled together by wonder freshmen (like Jared Sullinger). There's no real program to it, although I guess they are populated with upper classmen like Lighty, and there's dudes galore who were banking in 3-pointers and just generally dismantling George Mason on Sunday in terrible terrible ways. Still though, I hate them.
#2: MARCUS MORRIS (Kansas Junior forward; 87 total tourney points, 33 this year) - Previous years, Marcus has been the more potent half of Kansas' twin negro combo in the paint. But Markief has picked it up this year, and really it almost doesn't seem fair to have a pair of dudes this size with this much inside presence. I don't know, I really hope Kansas loses tonight and makes the Southwest regional a Virginia pride free-for-all, but it almost seems like Kansas is on a completely different level than the other three teams in San Antonio, and they will romp easily through this weekend to go to Houston for the Final Four. I really hope the fuck not, and you tend to have that Cinderella letdown a lot of times for underdog teams that get by on adrenaline and amplified energies the first week of the NCAA tourney. But once that settles in, and they get to the regionals, they realize they have already accomplished more than anybody thought they would, and perhaps are already the high watermark for their particular college basketball program, so don't feel that same energy the second weekend. Meanwhile, for Kansas, they want another fucking national title. Anything less is not necessarily bad, but it ain't what they came for.
#3: WILLIAM BUFORD (Ohio State Junior guard; 87 total tourney points, 36 this year) - Fucking white people and Ohio. You know, in my many travels, I have to say, Ohio has been one of my least favorite states. It's not over-the-top bad to the point you kinda love it but not really like Indiana, and it's not icky white like Maryland. So it really sucks, but still somehow manages to fly under the radar, so if someone was to say, "Name the shittiest midwestern state," you'd say Indiana or Iowa probably. But really, Ohio is a terrible shithole.
#4: JON DIEBLER (Ohio State Senior guard; 79 total tourney points, 27 this year) - Yeah. More Ohio State. I guess if you listen to commentators, Kentucky is one of the teams left that matches up well with Ohio State, which is good by me. I'd like to see the Buckeyes get dropped, and you know that John Calipari will never actually win a title, unless he can start recruiting referees too. (By the way, speaking of commentators, the NBA is boring as fuck so I never watch it, but man, I'd love to see Charles Barkley on pre-game/post-game/halftime shows for college basketball. Having him on the CBS coverage has made whatever those fucking vanilla douchebags they have at CBS regularly look paltry in comparison.)
#5: TYLER ZELLER (UNC Junior forward; 66 total tourney points, 55 this year) - Followed up his 32-point second round game by dropping 23 points on Washington. A seven-foot white dude will always be welcome in Chapel Hill, and really anywhere. Zeller is so goddamned goofy looking though. It's odd... when I was a kid, I hated UNC with a passion, having grown up a Virginia fan. But in recent years, I've come to not only tolerate them but actually pull for them. It happened after Dean Smith retired, because no red-blooded Virginian could ever pull for that weasel-voiced piece of shit. But once they brought in Roy Williams, I dug them. I like Williams, and I now have somebody from the ACC who actually wins regularly that I can pull for in March. Because nobody who has a soul can root for Duke.
#6: MARKIEF MORRIS (Kansas Junior forward; 57 total tourney points, 39 this year) - He is the other twin brother tearing shit up.
#7: DARIUS MILLER (Kentucky Junior guard; 56 total tourney points, 20 this year) - In his three years at Kentucky, he has seen four head coaches and nine other guys get drafted into the NBA.
#8: KEVIN ANDERSON (Richmond Senior guard; 55 total tourney points, 39 this year) - If you watch this Richmond team, and see Kevin Anderson in action, it is impossible not to like the dude. He oozes chill ass charisma. They have a huge (nearly impossible) task ahead of them, taking on the Jayhawks of Kansas. But if catches fire, they could pull it off. And it's not like Richmond doesn't have a long history of pulling off huge upsets; it's just they've never really done it this late in the tourney.
#9: DARIUS JOHNSON-ODOM (Marquette Junior guard; 55 total tourney points, 36 this year) - Second best player left in the tourney from the Big East, which is my way of saying "Hahaha, fuck you Big East."
#10: BRADFORD BURGESS (VCU Junior guard; 54 total tourney points, 44 this year) - I could go on a three thousand word tangent about how amazing the VCU run is, not just this year but the past five, but I'm just gonna save that for the last blurb of this list. So see below if you can't wait.
#11: TYSHAWN TAYLOR (Kansas Junior guard; 50 total tourney points, 23 this year) - I honestly don't know anything about this dude and don't care to look it up to try and say something. Kansas is like Alternate Duke in my brain.
#12: TYREL REED (Kansas Senior guard; 49 total tourney points, 14 this year) - You may not know this from his name, but Tyrel Reed is a goofy looking white dude, who has chronically underachieved at Kansas, at least according to people who think everybody at Kansas should be awesome. Seriously though, this time of year there's plenty of white dudes who have grown far taller than the good lord could bless them with looks to match, so seeing an ugly ass whiteboy is nothing new. But goddamn, Tyrel Reed makes Kirk Hinrich look handsome.
#13: HARRISON BARNES (UNC Freshman forward; 46 total tourney points, all of them this year) - This would be the first sighting of a freshman on any of this year's daily lists, meaning Barnes is your super sensation. Him being here is why UNC has won so far, because once Barnes stepped up on the court this season was when the Tar Heels became a tough team to beat. They have tended to start slow the past couple weeks, and then get fired up pretty heavily, with Barnes and Tyler Zeller leading the charge. It is the regionals now though, and yeah they could probably afford one more sputtering take-off against Marquette, who will probably be outmatched, but they've got to get into do-or-die mode before Sunday, if they get there.
#14: JOEY RODRIGUEZ (VCU Senior guard; 45 total tourney points, 37 this year) - My man Boo Boo, who studied under Eric Maynor a few years back, and was a solid presence early on, who has turned into (at least last week) a point guard who will not turn the ball over and divvy it up nearly perfectly on the offensive end of things, and lead a punishing pressure-driven defense. Really, VCU's success the past five years has been wild, and all credit is due to Athletic Director Norwood Teague. Five years ago, Jeff Capel was the head coach, and he brought in Eric Maynor who was an ACC-quality kid from North Carolina who slipped through the cracks. After success at VCU, Capel - who was a hot coaching prospect when he took the Rams job - got the head coaching gig at Oklahoma, where he inherited Blake Griffin's dunky ass. Teague gets Anthony Grant from Billy Donovan's bench, who comes in and makes an immediate impact, installing a high-pressure defense, recruiting to match that (including bringing in Joey Rodriguez, who he had ties to down in Florida), and riding Eric Maynor into upsetting Duke in the first round of the NCAA tournament. After that first year, Grant was already a hot commodity, and had actually gotten on a plane to take the Florida job as Billy Donovan was gonna resign briefly, but Donovan changed his mind, so Grant stayed put. After a second year, not as successful as the first, but no slouch either, Grant was at the top of every major program list that pushed basketball success over academic bullshit. That's how he landed in Alabama, even though he didn't recruit Eric Maynor, who gave him his biggest success. He did recruit Larry Sanders though, who was the future NBA first round pick that Shaka Smart inherited, VCU's third coach in five years, and the second in a row to come off of Billy Donovan's bench. Shaka basically ran with what Anthony Grant set up, maybe even turning it up another notch, and although Rodriguez was about to transfer with the coaching change, he was convinced by Grant to stay on board. Last year, with Sanders on the way out, they underachieved and I think won the stupid CBI, whichever of the lesser Division I tournaments that plays a best-of-three series to crown a champion. This year though, they got it together at times, although they sputtered at the end of the regular season. Still, getting a shocking at-large bid into the tourney, they charged in a team possessed. They have beaten every opponent by double digits, including a pair of Top 25 teams in Georgetown and Purdue. I am very amped the fuck up that they could tear up Florida State, because the one thing that can break up a tenacious defense like State's is a relentlessly aggressive offense like VCU runs, that just puts you on your heels all night long. If Richmond can somehow pull off a win in the early game tonight in San Antonio, it would set up a City of Richmond showdown to get to the Final Four. And even if Kansas wins, VCU certainly has the hodgepodge mid-major roster to pull off another shocker like George Mason did five years ago, and sneak into the Final Four. Really, that would be great if they did, on the heels of Butler doing it last year as well. College basketball may seem worse to some, because of the major conferences not being able to keep superstar players for more than a year or two. But the mid-majors are better than ever, and the early entries into the NBA has been happening enough that the mid-majors recruit with that in mind. And shit, let's not forget that current Milwaukee Bucks center Larry Sanders could have played his senior year and be playing for VCU right now, instead of in the NBA. Fucking scary man. This is a good fucking team, and #2 in my heart behind the stupid Washington Redskins. I am fucking amped, bros. Amped.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Sweet 16 Thursday

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S14: Best College Basketball Teams in Virginia

An amazingly wonderful week for state college basketball, as after being one of only a handful of state with more than 4 teams in the tournament, the state's teams showed up well, and actually got a pair into the Sweet 16. Actually, after the first weekend, Virginia-based basketball squads are 6-3 in the tourney, which is the same as the Colonial Athletic Association (home to five of our state's Division I teams), and better than all but three conferences (oddly enough, those conferences are the Horizon, the Mountain West, and the ACC - no Big East, no Big Ten, no other power conference than the ACC). After last week when I said the state had not shown well past the first weekend, they blew it the fuck up this year. This is, of course, because I started doing this list and have shot this secret psychic energy into the blogosphere that has added an extra three inches to each state team's fan-based sixth man. I had no choice in where I was born, but it ended up being Virginia, so I shall be blindly proud of it, loyal to it, and help propel it to the top, motherfuckers.
I want to note as I go into this week's countdown that I decided the first time through that this would be based strictly on won-loss percentages, no personal opinion injected, unless it came down to breaking a mathematical tie. That means the top of this list is still populated by - and will probably finish up with - Division III teams. But make no mistake about it, the two teams that are left in the NCAA tournament are the state's pride right now, and will have local newspapers blowing up with black ink and bold headlines all week long. But here is the adjusted list now, which will have an unexpected week for it next Monday, at the very least...
#1: VIRGINIA WESLEYAN BLUE MARLINS (25-5, #1 last week) - Season over.
#2: RANDOLPH-MACON YELLOW JACKETS (25-5, #2 last week) - Season over.
#3: EASTERN MENNONITE ROYALS (22-5, #3 last week) - Season over.
#4: FERRUM PANTHERS (23-5, #4 last week) - Season over.
#5: RICHMOND SPIDERS (29-7, #7 last week) - The Spiders probably felt slighted by only getting a #12 seed after winning the A-10 Conference title last weekend, but also were given a blessing in disguise by drawing the overrated Vanderbilt team in the first round. Richmond beat them easily enough, setting up a Cinderella showdown on Saturday with #13 seed Morehead State. I doubt Richmond planned on wearing their home white uniforms again this year, but there they were, pulling away from Morehead State. Kevin Anderson is a motherfuckin' man on the court - raised in Atlanta, living in Richmond, and with that confident but sly smile. You can tell that dude is living the life. Usually, the student body of U of R would keep me from pulling too heavily for this team, even with state pride factored in, but man, it's hard not to like this team. They are a scrappy ass bunch, and I expect Chris Mooney to shoot up the list of hot young head coaches when power conference openings come about. In fact, I do not know if N.C. State has looked into anybody yet, but he'd probably be a decent fit there, although he'd probably be better served in the northeast than the shark-infested ACC waters. Of course, first on Mooney's menu is the #1 seeded Kansas Jayhawks, in a tough game in San Antonio on Friday night.
#6: GEORGE MASON PATRIOTS (27-7, #6 last week) - Mason beat Villanova in their opener on Friday, eliminating a strong pair of Senior guards in Corey Fisher and Corey Stokes. And they came out the gates yesterday against Ohio State looking like they might pull the shocker. But Ohio State was too strong, and simply slapped them out of the game. It was ugly quick, and only got uglier. Made me sad too, because in the three non-power conference vs. power conference games in the 3rd round of the tourney, this was the only one the power conferences won. I was hoping for a clean mid-major sweep.
#7: OLD DOMINION MONARCHS (27-7, #5 last week) - Even though they have the same record as George Mason, I dropped the Monarchs below them because they did not win their opening round game against Butler. It was a solid game though, and ODU played last year's national title game loser better than #1 seeded Pittsburgh did. The Big East has looked pretty shoddy thus far in the tourney, and the only two teams left aren't credible threats to the title. Good run for ODU though, and helping the CAA get their first 3-bid year in the Big Dance.
#8: SOUTHERN VIRGINIA KNIGHTS (24-8, #9 last week) - Season over.
#9: HAMPTON PIRATES (24-9, #8 last week) - Hampton did not stand a chance against Coach K's Aryan Hitler all-stars. Duke is basketball Nazi-ism and I will forevermore refer to them as the Duke Blue Hitlers. Seriously. I cannot stand them. Still though, good finish for Hampton, who won the MEAC tournament, which is usually the highlight of the year for whoever wins the MEAC. You can expect that as long as the tournament is 68 teams, 9 times out of 10, your MEAC champion is going to have to play in the First Four. And the years like this one where they do not, the only reason that is so is because the selection committee does not want to be accused of being racist.
#10: VCU RAMS (26-11, #10 last week) - But #1 in our hearts. Man, they said VCU shouldn't have even been in the tourney (they, as in Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas), and they came out and whomped on the UAB Blazers in the First Four game, which just made everybody be like, "Hahaha, UAB proved that they didn't belong." No credit given to VCU, who jumped a flight from Dayton, Ohio, to Chicago, Illinois, and promptly dominated Georgetown as well. "Hahaha, the Big East is overrated, and Georgetown has crumbled down the stretch." Again, little credit given to VCU, though more so than before, especially since they are the first team ever to win the in opening/play-in round and then win a second game. Followed that up yesterday by dismantling Purdue. I mean fuck man, they almost scored 100 points, and Purdue was so far out of it that there was no need to do the foul and try to come back with 3-pointers bit at the end of the game. Game over with time remaining. The thing is, this team has underperformed for a good part of the year, and is really hitting their stride now. They could conceivably make it to next Sunday with a favorable match-up against Florida State in the Sweet 16 game. And if somehow both Richmond and VCU can pull off wins on Friday night, they will play each other to go to the Final Four. I think my head would fucking explode if that happened.
#11: CHRISTOPHER NEWPORT CAPTAINS (18-9, #11 last week) - Season over.
#12: VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES (22-12, #12 last week) - I have talked trash on Virginia Tech and them getting left out the tourney, but I pull for state teams, always. And I really like the combo of Malcolm Delaney and Jeff Allen. Delaney's been the most exciting player in the state ever since Eric Maynor left VCU for the NBA. Sure, they had injuries on their team this year that left them shorthanded, but really, the past four years has - every year - been a case of pre-season expectations, and a team coming up short. The fact they lost a second round home game in overtime to end their season yesterday is sort of fitting. Ultimately, I think this falls on Seth Greenberg. He's a good coach, but can't get them to that next level. So as a Tech fan, you have two ways to think about this... One, you are a football school first, so having a guy that makes your basketball team halfway decent is all you could really ask for, so fuck it, let everything be. It's all good. But two, if you want to be a champion in the ACC and a contender on the national stage, you've got to make a move. But who's gonna come to Blacksburg? There's no history there, no basketball pedigree. Sure, Dell Curry and Ace Custis, but beyond that most of their greatest players have been in the past ten years. They'll probably stand pat, but Greenberg does himself no favors by making such a big stink every year about how his team was slighted. They slight themselves as well, and until he has a year where they live up to pre-season hype, he might want to tone down the "selection process is bullshit" rhetoric.
#13: RANDOLPH WILDCATS (18-10, #14 last week) - Season over.
#14: JAMES MADISON DUKES (21-12, #13 last week) - James Madison actually went to one of the two lesser tournaments, that most major conferences avoid because nobody cares, and you lose thousands of dollars in the process. Madison played on the road though, meaning they lost far less money than if they'd played at home, and lost that opener to Davidson, getting themselves a few extra days of basketball practice in March, and giving people something to look forward to next year, other than more corny ass Digital Underground jokes by shitty sportswriters.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Third Round Sunday

Short and sweet today because I am running late and pretending it's still 9 am when I post this...
#1: KYLE SINGLER (Duke Senior forward; 178 previous points in NCAA tournament) - With the graduation of Jon Scheyer last year, Singler became college basketball's Most Likely To Be a Huge Fucking Asshole In Real Life.
#2: NOLAN SMITH (Duke Senior guard; 151 previous tourney points) - Duke's token black guy of choice role has been challenged by that wonder freshman who decided to come back in time to maybe get some highlights in to go pro with.
#3: JAJUAN JOHNSON (Purdue Senior forward/center; 136 previous tourney points) - VCU plays Purdue, and I like JaJuan, but for today, fuck him. Fuck the Big Ten. Actually, yesterday, the only games power conferences won were against other power conferences. If George Mason and VCU can pull it off today, it would prove the power conferences are full of shit, have a tyrannical grip on at-large berths, and are basically the Gaddhafi of collegiate sports, although I like Gaddhafi more than the power conferences. You see when he was made Prime Minister of Africa and had like 19 big-assed buxom dark-skinned chicks standing behind him while he wore a gold robe? Pure style.
#4: E'TUAN MOORE (Purdue Senior guard; 133 previous tourney points) - See above.
#5: ISAIAH THOMAS (Washington Junior guard; previous tourney points) - Thomas is the dagger thrower left in the tourney, and still has another year left. Being the Pac-10 is a lesser power conference, should he return for his Senior year, the Huskies should be the best of the west next year.
#6: RICK JACKSON (Syracuse Senior forward; 77 previous tourney points) - Double 0 players are always great because they have gone beyond having a normal zero to having two of them. Although there was a guy on Kansas who had this a few years back, and I hated it because the number font looked stupid.
#7: MARCUS MORRIS (Kansas Junior forward; 70 previous tourney points) - Speaking of Kansas, still hoping for a Morris twins/Plumlee twins fight of some sort.
#8: WILLIAM BUFORD (Ohio State Junior guard; 69 previous tourney points) - Will not speak on Ohio State. Not important to me nor relevant to actual college basketball. Big Ten ball is light enough, but Ohio State is like a second-rate Calipari's Kentucky, getting big time recruits, taking one shot at it, having to reload constantly.
#9: DAVID LIGHTY (Ohio State Senior guard/forward; 69 previous tourney points) - Well, I guess they also keep a Senior white boy on tap to keep to keep the inherently racist blue collar unemployed Ohio fanbase happy.
#10: JON DIEBLER (Ohio State Senior guard; 66 previous tourney points) - Or maybe this is the white guy. I can't remember, and I'm not gonna look it up. Nobody's paying me and I'm hongry for a pancake.
#11: ROBBIE HUMMEL (Purdue Senior forward; 49 previous tourney points) - Poor Robbie Hummel. The end of Purdue's bench is probably shaped to his ass cheeks after the past two years.
#12: SCOOP JARDINE (Syracuse Junior guard; 46 previous tourney points) - SCOOP! I hate Syracuse and hate Jim Boeheim and generally hate upstate New York to be honest with you. But I will never ever speak a harsh word towards a little black dude nicknamed Scoop. Never.
#13: LEWIS JACKSON (Purdue Junior guard; 46 previous tourney points) - See Purdue shit above. They are my enemy today, although not on my free TV, and satellite radio cut itself off the other day with a minute left in the George Mason game (on purpose probably), so I will be streaming radio audio from the internet, and if it's super close, watching the last minute on my stupid phone, so that it don't eat up all my bandwidth for the day.
#14: TYLER ZELLER (North Carolina Junior forward; 43 previous tourney points) - On Friday, another UNC whiteboy paint presence goofball was born, with Zeller dropping 32 points on whatever it was they were playing that day. He's not quite as deer-in-the-headlights looking as Tyler Hansbrough, and not as mindless basketball robot looking as Eric Montross. But he's still a stupid looking fucker.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Third Round Saturday

Second round, third round, man I just can't wrap my head around this bullshit. At least four of the games are on regular folks TV today, including the Richmond/Morehead State showdown to be hyped up next weekend as this year's Cinderella story. Anyhow, here are the top 14 lifetime scorers in today's game, nine of the same as Thursday, in varying orders, with five new dudes. SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST Y'ALL! But yeah, here they is...
#1: JACOB PULLEN (Kansas State Senior guard; 128 previous points in NCAA tournament) - Dropped 22 on Utah State on Thursday, and even though Wisconsin is a higher seed and all, I can't see them having nothing for this dude. Look at that raggedy ass black dude beard he has. He's a born killer.
#2: JIMMER FREDETTE (Brigham Young Senior guard; 118 previous tourney points) - In Thursday's game against Wofford, Jimmer Fredette had 32 points, 4 rebounds, 7 assists, and 19 blowjobs from the announcing team. I hate Jimmer Fredette. I am going to soak his girlfriend. (In case you do not know, soaking is the Mormon kid practice of not having sex by inserting your penis into a vagina and the two of you lay there without moving at all. And I am not really going to soak Jimmer Fredette's girlfriend. I am however gonna crack an empty forty bottle upside Jimmer Fredette's older brother's head for telling every old white guy in America that he's an aspiring rapper.)
#3: KEVIN JONES (West Virginia Junior forward; 85 previous tourney points) - Jones was a rebound shy of a double double against Clemson the other night, and sets up a West Virginia/Kentucky rematch from last year's tournament. It is impossible to watch a West Virginia game and not love Bob Huggins bulbous drunken angry ass on the sidelines. That dude is both the sketchiest and most solid major college basketball coach there is, all at once.
#4: GILBERT BROWN (Pittsburgh Senior forward; 84 previous tourney points) - Pitt blew out UNC-Asheville, so they didn't really have to try too hard, meaning Brown didn't even break double digits in the game, even though he played more minutes than anybody else on the Panthers. That's the result of a shitty night from the 3-point line. Probably might not want to try to repeat that again. You don't get to play 16 seeds every round.
#5: STEVEN GRAY (Gonzaga Senior guard; 82 previous tourney points) - You know, I talked all that trash the other day about how Gonzaga's mid-major success story is getting old, but whenever you see that team play, and their wacky assortment of players, knowing it's a small ass college on the West Coast, seeing Steven Gray with his tats and dreads and bi-racial complexion, you know it's the most straight up stoner assed college basketball team that ever did exist. Look at their history of players. It made me feel all good inside and want to root for them from here on out. Dare I say Steven Gray and Gonzaga vs. Jimmer Fredette and BYU tonight is an actual showdown between actual laid back people who want a chill life and uptight white ass people who want to force their morals on you. This game is a battle for freedom, and if you are not pulling for the Zags, then you are a fundamental assholitarian.
#6: CURTIS KELLY (Kansas State Senior forward; 75 previous tourney points) - Kelly is still just the other dude who is not Jacob Pullen to me, but he helps create a good inside/outside game with Pullen.
#7: ASHTON GIBBS (Pittsburgh Junior guard; 71 previous tourney points) - Gibbs was leading scorer on Thursday for Pitt, with 26 points, bumping him on up this list. I still do not have Pitt on my radar at all, and thus, I feel like they are a probable upset victim against Butler today, because I tend to think of myself of the center of the universe, and if I'm not thinking about Pitt, then they don't mean shit.
#8: JOE MAZZULLA (West Virginia Senior guard; 70 previous tourney points) - I love watching Mazzulla ball. Dude is a little spark plug of a fucker, and like I said, perfect for Bob Huggins and perfect for West Virginia.
#9: KEMBA WALKER (Connecticut Junior guard; 69 previous tourney points) - That's your star, with 18 points and 12 assists on Thursday. Oddly enough, sets up a Big East match-up in the second round, which is odd, because it went according to seeds. I know they used to always try to keep conference teams from playing each other before the regional finals, and would stack them so that if it played out according to seeding, they would never meet until the Final Four at the earliest. Of course, with 11 teams, the Big East complicated that this year. I still would've thought they would've seeded them and shifted them around, hoping that if it played out like they seeded them, no inter-conference match-ups would happen too early, like the third round, which is actually the second round. I guess I also read they didn't care so much for Big East teams that only played once during the year, which I'm assuming is what was up with Cincy and UConn. I hate Jim Calhoun, but know nothing about Cincinnati, so would prefer Connecticut win until I have something worthwhile to invest my negative energy into against the Huskies.
#10: JON LEUER (Wisconsin Senior forward; 69 previous tourney points) - A big ass white dude for Wisconsin. Gee, that's crazy. I'd never expect a Big Ten team to be built behind a tall ass, non-threatening white dude. Fucking racist ass midwest.
#11: DARIUS MILLER (Kentucky Junior guard; 53 previous tourney points) - Shocking that a player for John Calipari actually got onto this list, or has been at Kentucky for three straight years. That means he's had at least 20-some teammates already. Seriously, like half of Calipari's roster is freshman, EVERY FUCKING YEAR. I am by no means an "integrity of the game" guy, waving my arms around about how today's game is so much worse than yesterday's game. But I would not have a problem with them attaching number of scholarships to graduation rates. Or better yet, I think it would work well if you had say every dude who commits to your school counts five years of scholarships, even if he transfers or leaves early, to keep this shit from being crazy, like it is with Calipari. Of course with scumfucks like him, it would just increase how much they do under the table, and you'd have like four Top 50 recruits all going to Kentucky as walk-ons, while driving two-year-old Benzes.
#12: BRAD WANAMAKER (Pittsburgh Senior guard; 53 previous tourney points) - More Pittsburgh. More don't care.
#13: ELIAS HARRIS (Gonzaga Sophomore forward; 52 previous tourney points) - Harris is Gray's counterpart on the Zags frontline, and probably his buddy at playing Fifa World Cup on the Wii when they are high as fuck at an off-campus apartment.
#14: DARRYL BRYANT (West Virginia Junior guard; 48 previous tourney points) - Aka Truck, and when a dude is nicknamed Truck, even if you are going by media guides and official rosters, you should always make it a point to call the dude Truck. Nicknames are a great thing, and I am proud to come from a road where almost everybody has one. Luckily, I was named Raven so I never needed a nickname, though in my life I have had the following nicknames: Bird, Wildbird, Birdman, Ruben, Roo-Roo, Ray-Ray, Dr. Lounge, and Chuck. Sometimes I feel weird writing nonsense buried into long boring sports-related blurbs like this, because nobody sees this. Like seriously, maybe no one on Earth except me knows this last paragraph is here. But it is, like a tree falling in the woods.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Second Round Friday

First day of the tourney was as good as ever, even if the TV coverage kinda sucks with the new four-channel format. Actually, no kinda about it. One of the greatest things about the NCAA tournament's first two days was the sliding in to other games at the end where you catch the fantastic finish. I guess for some folks being able to slip between channels is more natural and exciting, but I just don't watch enough TV to be Captain Kirking my way through it like that. My little stupid ass smart phone has free March Madness on Demand, but where I live there ain't no 3G (thank god) so it does nothing because it would eat up my daily bandwidth on the satellite internet in like ten minutes. And when it shifts to audio only, it gives you the stupid fucking TV audio, not the radio broadcast, which is where it's at anyways. I think radio broadcast out in the camper is the way I'll go today.
Anyways, I'm running late this morning on things, so these blurbs will be quick and short, but here are the chump asses who have previously scored the most points in the NCAA tournament who shall be ballin' today...
#1: KYLE SINGLER (Duke Senior forward; 167 previous points in the NCAA tournament) - Kyle Singler is the favorite player for people born without souls. Kyle Singler is a huge piece of shit. Duke is a piece of shit. Why the fuck is Bobby Hurley's stupid ass in a commercial? Dear Dove Pretend Bullshit For Men Product, I will never ever ever buy you, because the first time I heard of you, it was from Bobby Hurley. I hope your stupid new fake product sells nothing and your company goes out of business along with everything else as capitalism completely fails on the earth so that only hardened survivalists are thriving, and playing basketball, and pussies like Kyle Singler have their heads on a stake.
#2: NOLAN SMITH (Duke Senior guard; 142 previous tourney points) - When you talk about how Coach K is basketball Hitler and Duke is an Aryan Academy of Athletic Eugenics, they're all like, "Oh come on, they haven't had a white black guy since Battier. Nolan Smith's a real dude." What the fuck ever Aryan enabler. Being Aryan in multicultural 2011 is a state of philosophy more than actual skin tone, and Nolan Smith is as Athletic Aryan as they come. Look at him.
#3: JAJUAN JOHNSON (Purdue Senior forward/center; 120 previous tourney points) - Johnson is the dagger thrower for a Purdue team that has had a solid nucleus of players for four years, albeit some of that time (like last year) damaged by injury. Still, with Johnson - the Big Ten player of the year, Purdue will be a tough out in the tourney, and sets up well to at least get through this weekend in Chicago, and have a potential showdown for Indiana supremacy on Sunday against Notre Dame, which will be full of racial undertones. Fuck Notre Dame too.
#4: E'TWAUN MOORE (Purdue Senior guard; 114 previous tourney points) - Moore is JaJuan's second on the Boilermaker team, and comes from that godless industrial sludge of hopeless sprawling ghetto muck that is the northwest corner of Indiana that is actually the east end of Chicago. Baller.
#5: COREY FISHER (Villanova Senior guard; 92 previous tourney points) - Even though Scottie Reynolds is gone, Villanova still has their pair of Coreys in the back court, which should make them at least a Sweet 16 team. Without Reynolds' takeover a game ability, they're not the threat they were last year. But it's still Villanova.
#6: COREY STOKES (Villanova Senior guard; 82 previous tourney points) - See above.
#7: ISAIAH THOMAS (Washington Junior guard; 80 previous tourney points) - Every year, there's a dude who is like the only great player on a team that is kinda unknown, but he can take shit over and nail the clutch shot at the buzzer, pop his dark-colored jersey to the camera, and for ten minutes, everybody's like, "Oh shit, did you see that dude?" Hopefully, Isaiah Thomas (not related to the social miscreant of Detroit Pistons/New York Knicks management lore) did not use up all that mojo last weekend winning that ridiculous Pac-10 championship game.
#8: DAVID LIGHTY (Ohio State Senior guard/forward; 61 previous tourney points) - You know, I'm just not gonna even talk about Ohio State. Big Ten basketball is an inferior form of basketball, especially when practiced in Ohio, and does not deserve discussion. If they could not win a title when they had that monster Greg Oden and whoever the little super freshman dude that was with him that year, they cannot do it on the back of Jared Sullinger.
#9: RICK JACKSON (Syracuse Senior forward; 54 previous tourney points) - I would much rather talk about Scoop Jardine, because his name sounds like fun. There is absolutely zero chance in life that Scoop Jardine does not end up being a basketball coach after his career is over. Zero. He will probably start at some smaller school, kinda like a Morehead State, prove himself, get a mid-level major job, but with a semi-urban environment, like Seton Hall or Boston College or something, prove himself, and then be a high profile "new era" coach for either Syracuse or St. John's. Guaranteed.
#10: MARCUS MORRIS (Kansas Junior forward; 54 previous tourney points) - The higher scoring half of Kansas's twin brothers combo who are just in their third year. Marcus and Markief Morris vs. Miles and Mason Plumlee in a fight - who you got?
#11: JON DIEBLER (Ohio State Senior guard; 52 previous tourney points) - See Lighty above.
#12: WILLIAM BUFORD (Ohio State Junior guard; 51 previous tourney points) - See Diebler above.
#13: ROBBIE HUMMEL (Purdue Senior forward; 49 previous tourney points) - Poor Robbie Hummel is still on the roster, sitting on the bench, after his second straight year having his season tore up by an ACL injury. So he's along for the ride still. Had he been healthy the past two years, Purdue might've actually had a shot at winning a title.
#14: SCOTTY HOPSON (Tennessee Junior guard; 46 previous tourney points) - Don't even know who this dude is, but the wheels have sort of come off of Bruce Pearl's time in Tennessee, after massive recruiting violations and only mediocre results. Whoever Scotty Hopson is, he's not Wade Chism and his magic headband.

S14: NCAA Tournament Top Returning Scorers - Second Round Thursday

So I have done this a couple years in a row, as it's interesting to see each day of the NCAA tournament, what players playing on that particular day have scored the most points in previous NCAA tournaments. Usually during this time of year, it is veteran teams who end up getting through the six games in three weekends format to win the National Championship. Other than Carmelo Anthony, most super freshmen have a decent run maybe, but usually fall short of winning the championship. So we shall see this time of year as the more veteran teams, even if you've never heard of them, from some small conference, who have a convergence of a few great Seniors, who maybe had a couple blowout appearances in previous tourneys, who make the big upsets in the early rounds. It never fails.
So on this opening day, which is no longer really the opening day, let us look through the top fourteen returning scorers. Actually before that, let's address this new tournament of 68 teams, with a First Four round, and then today being the Second Round. That does not bother me. What bothers me is how they've divvied up the games between CBS and three cable networks, so that instead of having the overload on CBS where you are switching back and forth between games ending at a staggered pace, seeing every end of the most exciting stories, shit is busted up onto four stations. I don't have cable or satellite, because I am not going to pay $80 a month to brainwash myself into a dullard. But I do have a rooftop antenna with a booster box that picks up the CBS station from Charlottesville and Richmond. Previous years would mean I'd get the ACC games from C-ville and Virginia-based games from Richmond, which often overlapped, but often did not. This year? Probably boring ass fucking Duke, all day every day. It sucks. They will say, "Well, you get every game in its entirety now." But not having satellite, I do not get every game. And is having every game on four different channels actually better than having one homebase where you pop in on the crazy shit taking place when it's taking place? I know the world is more cybertronned out and I should probably just be watching it all at once on my TV (main game), wife's Ipad (second game), and flip between the other two games on my "smart" phone. But what the fuck man? Do I need that much shit swirling at me all at once? I enjoy the smorgasbord of basketball, but am not trying to overdose myself and kill my brain all at once.
Anyways, fuck it man, I've got to go to the doctor tomorrow anyways, so I'll just be sitting there watching the fucking game on my cell phone, sitting around for two hours, waiting for them to put some sort of vacuum device onto my bullet hole and make this thing stop leaking all over my fresh ass white t-shirts. Here are the top scorers balling it up today...
#1: DURRELL SUMMERS (Michigan State Senior guard; 163 previous points in the NCAA tournament) - When the Spartans take the court tonight against UCLA, it will be Summers' 16th NCAA tournament game. This team made the Final Four the past two years, losing to UNC in the championship two years ago. And even though they're only a #10 seed, you have to assume Tom Izzo is gonna have these dudes balling it the fuck up. This will be Durrell Summers last run (along with the next dude on the list), so expect them to play big. If you are thinking of penciling a double digit seed into your Sweet 16, this should be your first choice.
#2: KALIN LUCAS (Michigan State Senior guard; 153 previous points in NCAA tourney) - Lucas is the grizzled warrior on this team, having had Achilles tendon problems last year, fucking up his ankle in the past week in the Big Ten tourney, and still pushing. This is it for a guy that was Big Ten player of the year a couple years back. And honestly, I do not care much for Big Ten basketball in general, but shit man, with Summers and Lucas, the Spartans will be a tough out, regardless of who they play.
#3: SHELVIN MACK (Butler Junior guard; 110 previous points in NCAA tourney) - Last year when Gordon Heyward and Butler had their magical run to the championship game, Shelvin Mack was the black guy on the team. He is still there, and only a Junior. But Butler is not nearly the team they were when smiley ass white fucker Heyward was in the house. Had he stayed for this year, Butler would probably be a #2 seed and slotted to make a deep run. As it stands, they are in a heated #8/#9 game against Old Dominion, setting up a battle with a top seed on Saturday. Top seeds tend to always make it through the first weekend (I think it's only not happened once before), but if there was a #1 seed I'd say was vulnerable, especially considering the quality of the potential opposition, I would say it would be Pitt, especially if Old Dominion beats Butler, and has essentially a home game against Pitt on Saturday.
#4: JACOB PULLEN (Kansas State Senior guard; 106 previous points in NCAA tourney) - And usually in the tourney, there's a team led by a player who just won't stop who goes further than their seed would suggest. Jacob Pullen is most likely to be that guy this year. The Wildcats are usually lost in the shadow of the Kansas Jayhawks (like this year), but could upset some teams along the way, if Pullen gets fired the fuck up.
#5: DRAYMOND GREEN (Michigan State Junior forward; 95 previous points in NCAA tourney) - A third Spartan who has seen a ton of action in tourneys considering the previous two Final Four runs, Green is called "The Dancing Bear", which is all I really need to know about him.
#6: JIMMER FREDETTE (Butler Senior guard; 86 previous points in NCAA tourney) - The college basketball sports media goes nuts for balling ass whiteboys (see Gordon Heyward last year), and Jimmer Fredette is their love story of the tournament, without a doubt. Luckily, BYU suspended their black guy for having sex with his girlfriend, so there's no darkies to get in the way of the Jimmer Fredette 24/7 hypejob. And as good as he may do, there was something far more awesome about him last year, when it was this 3-point shooting white dude and that black guy with the weird mohawk who was the other guard. That dude graduated, which is sad, because I was super intrigued by a mohawked little black guy at Brigham Young University. I bet he was soaking in all the bitches.
#7: MATT HOWARD (Butler Senior forward; 83 previous points in NCAA tourney) - Howard was the other white guy for Butler last year. This year he becomes The White Guy, but he's not as good as Gordon Heyward, so Butler is fucked.
#8: GILBERT BROWN (Pittsburgh Senior forward; 75 previous points in NCAA tourney) - I don't even know who the fuck Gilbert Brown is. I thought he played defensive tackle for the Packers before they drafted B.J. Raji. I guess he went back to college.
#9: KEVIN JONES (West Virginia Junior forward; 68 previous points in NCAA tourney) - West Virginia went to the Final Four last year, and Kevin Jones is the team leader trying to make it happen again. I am intrigued by the potential rematch against Kentucky in the third round on Saturday though, even though it'd be nothing like last year. That game between them in last year's tourney was a fucking exciting ass game, and made me fall in love with how good John Wall really was. I usually write off John Calipari players as ignorant streetball douchebags, but really between Wall and Derrick Rose, I guess he's not so bad. Of course, all those guys only play for one year for Calipari. Bob Huggins, coach of West Virginia, and notorious drunken driver and crazy man (which means he fits well with West Virginia psychologically), gets four years out of motherfuckers who are probably grimier and more thugged out than even Calipari's worst recruiting mistakes. But that's what makes Huggy Bear so awesome.
#10: STEVEN GRAY (Gonzaga Senior guard; 66 previous points in NCAA tourney) - Gray is the latest in a long line of Gonzaga superstars who have made the mid-major a consistent presence on the national stage come March. But frankly, the Gonzaga story has gotten tired, especially since they never took it to that next level. Back when Adam Morrison was sporting the metalhead molester mustache and headbutting the basketball between free throw shots, they were easy to love. At this point, it's like watching Hoosiers on TNT for the 412th time.
#11: KIM ENGLISH (Missouri Junior guard; 66 previous points in NCAA tourney) - Sometimes there are little coincidences that create match-up issues in the NCAA tournament. Kim English is a perfect example. Missouri is a #11 seed, facing a much higher #6 seeded Cincinnati team, in Washington, D.C. English, who is the perimeter gunning star of the Tigers, grew up in Baltimore, and this will be the closest his collegiate career has carried him to home. So he will be fired the fuck up. Dude is already talking up going to Mo's seafood restaurant back in Baltimore, and probably playing in a game for Avon Barksdale on their off day on Friday. I would expect him to be on your late night Sportscenter highlight reel this evening.
#12: CURTIS KELLY (Kansas State Senior forward; 60 previous points in NCAA tourney) - Kelly is the complementary force to Jacob Pullen's star power.
#13: JOE MAZZULLA (West Virginia Senior guard; 58 previous points in NCAA tourney) - A lot of people put down on the questionable academic prowess of big-time college basketball players, and there's a lot of truth to that. But at the same time, through basketball, a lot of dudes who would've been swallowed up by the criminal underbelly of our American civilization get a chance to see an outside world, maybe cop a degree (whether they earned it the same way as others at the school or not, we'll overlook), and cash a ticket into a different life than they would've otherwise had. Mazzulla is that dude, with a thuggish past that caused him some time in the doghouse at West Virginia, not to mention crushing his shoulder a couple years back, almost ending his career. But last year, after injuries to others, he stepped the fuck up for Huggins, and bulldogged this team into the Final Four. He's an ugly, nasty ass player, but gets shit done... again perfect for West Virginia psychologically, and matches well with Coach Huggins. And he's not talking about playing in the NBA D-League or overseas chasing basketball dreams at this point. He's talking about being a coach himself. That's the beauty of college basketball. Fucking Joe Mazzulla is my favorite player today.
#14: KEMBA WALKER (Connecticut Junior guard; 51 previous points in NCAA tourney) - On the other side of the coin, you have the superstar player who hits the last second shots, is hyped to the moon, and will almost definitely come out for the NBA draft after the season is over to go cash a few million dollar checks. That's Kemba Walker. Fuck UConn. They are like Duke, but for black people.

S14: Top 14 Virginia Scorers From Last Five NCAA Tournaments

Excited that five teams from the state made the NCAA tournament, though looking back on the top scorers from the past five tournaments, not much going on from the state of Virginia. George Mason's run was exactly five years ago, so the majority of the top of this list is their starting line-up from that year. Everything else is faded state superstars who play in Europe now mostly, and had one two game run at some point. Sad...
#1: WILL THOMAS (George Mason forward, 90 total points) - Holmes was a sophomroe the Final Four year, so padded a couple points two years later as well to go to the top of this list. He is playing in Belgium for Base Oostende. He's been in Belgium ever since he didn't hook up with the Wizards after NBA preseason after his senior year.
#2: FOLARIN CAMPBELL (George Mason guard/forward, 81 total points) - Another sophomore on that Final Four team, who got one more game in the tournament since that point. After college, he went to Germany, where he has played for Telekom Baskets Bonn ever since.
#3: LAMAR BUTLER (George Mason guard, 72 total points) - One of the Senior stars of that Final Four George Mason team, with the chick-melting smile. He actually got on the cover of Sports Illustrated during that run, before the Final Four, and post-college, he went to the Czech Republic for a year, came back to play in the NBA D-League, never caught on in the NBA, and then spent two years playing for Tofas Bursa in Turkey. This year, his whereabouts are unknown in relation to basketball.
#4: JAI LEWIS (George Mason forward, 59 total points) - Lewis was the other Senior face of that team, a pudgy huggable brute in the paint who actually got a shot at the NFL after college, with the New York Giants. Here has been his path since then through the strange world of international basketball: KK Bosna in Bosnia, Ironi Ramat Gan in Israel, Strasbourg IG in France, Hapoel Galil Elyon back in Israel, Rera Kamuy Hokkaido in Japan, Rain or Shine in the Philippines, and then this past season, he started back in Israel for Ironi Ramat Gan again for four games, before going back to Japan to play for Hokkaido again. Not sure if the Philippines Rain or Shine team is some sort of summer league, because he is still listed as part of their current team. Not bad for a pudgy black dude, getting paid to ball in Japan, summering in the Philippines. I bet he has seen things.
#5: ERIC MAYNOR (VCU guard, 57 total points) - Maynor hit the clutch shot that killed Duke a few years back, a moment that had me jumping off the couch, yelling silently in the way I am expected to do once the kids are asleep. Maynor is a prominent bench player for the Oklahoma City Thunder in the NBA, who by having Maynor and Kevin Durant, who is about the most unassuming and chill NBA superstar there is, and also by being in fucking bumfuck Oklahoma where I once spent a week drinking with hobos in the ran-down Continental Inn, they have become my favorite NBA team. That really means nothing though, because I watch about 23 minutes of NBA basketball annually.
#6: J.R. REYNOLDS (Virginia guard, 54 total points) - Solid Virginia dude, through and through. Raised in Roanoke, hand-selected to go the Oak Hill basketball Academy in southwest Virginia. Came to UVA and starred, and after college played in Italy mostly, some time in France, before returning home to Virginia, where he is today.
#7: TONY SKINN (George Mason guard, 45 total points) - Another Senior starter on that George Mason Final Four team, who went on to play in France for Roanne, come back to NBA summer league, back through Italy and now is based in Germany, playing for the New Yorker Phantoms, whatever the fuck that is. Being it is Germany, I can't help but think that's like an all-black team they have over there with a sambo logo.
#8: SEAN SINGLETARY (Virginia guard, 42 total points) - The other half of UVA's dynamic duo that had a two-game run in the 2007 NCAA tournament. Drafted by the Sacramento Kings, but traded to the Houston Rockets, but traded again to the Charlotte Bobcats, but then sent to the D-League Sioux Falls Skyforce, but then cut and signed by the Philadelphia 76ers, but didn't stay, so he went to Spain. Is not currently playing professionally in any known by the internet manner.
#9: GERALD LEE (Old Dominion forward, 34 total points) - Last year's state player of the year, who helped Old Dominion get into the second round of the tourney. Somehow he's some sort of Finnish heritage black dude, so naturally he is balling in Europe now.
#10: JESSE PELLOT-ROSA (VCU guard, 34 total points) - Former 3-point specialist for the Rams who already was married and had a 3-year-old while in college. And god bless that dude, he's still chasing his basketball dream. He bounced through Israel, playing summers in Puerto Rico, spent a whole year in Puerto Rico, and now is playing in Mexico. Somewhere in there he briefly was on the New York Jets as well as a WR. VCU doesn't even have a football team.
#11: B.A. WALKER (VCU guard, 30 total points) - I don't know, I don't feel like looking this dude up because he went by B.A. and I've watched a lot of A-Team reruns this past year on the Lynchburg Retro TV station, so really all I can think about is a black van with a red stripe on the side. I saw one just like that when I was in Tampa last year, but was afraid to take a picture of it because I thought dudes with guns might jump out and force me to help them overthrow a blood diamond dictator who was based out of St. Petersburg. (There, if you are the girl reading this, there was your wacky tangent. I doubt you made it here though.)
#12: FRANK HASSELL (Old Dominion senior forward, 30 total points) - Hassell is the only dude on this list still playing, with a shot to add to his total this year. You figure most of the George Mason dudes will lose that Final Four year in the five-year window for next year, and Frank Hassell will probably be the best NCAA tournament star from a Virginia-based college if I do this again next year. That's kinda fucking pathetic.
#13: DERON WASHINGTON (Virginia Tech guard/forward, 29 total points) - Deron Washington was awesome in college, as was his mom. I am sad that Seth Greenberg tarnishes his awesomeness with lackluster teams that just miss out on the NCAA tournament. Maybe he should have more than six players at once. Oh man, a Deron Washington/Malcolm Delaney team would have been awesome as fuck.
#14: JAMON GORDON (Virginia Tech guard, 26 total points) - Jamon Gordon was the other dude with Deron Washington the one year the NCAA tournament committee was like, "Okay, we'll let Virginia Tech in," and then never did again. And I may have Gordon and Washington mixed up. I don't get J.R. Reynolds and Sean Singletary mixed up though. That means, in my head, that Virginia basketball is still more prominent.