SONG OF THE DAY: Canola Fields

Whenever I see somebody talking about how great Sturgill Simpson is, I want to talk to them about James McMurtry instead, but I know it’s a waste of time so I don’t bother. That’s like trying to convince fortysomething punks in the city they’re not first wave gentrifiers. It’s best just to keep it moving until you end up somewhere in better company.

SONG OF THE DAY: H.O.O.D.

Nothing to say today, just an excuse to use ÆSTHETIC with the dope ass dipthong, which of course now has been ruined forever by Elon Musk and Grimes. Elon Musk disturbs me because he looks like a wax museum figure brought to life by robotics. Also Pops Musk ran an African mine, that’s how Elon is wealthy enough to be so goddamned progressive and know how to not only fix the fucking Earth but outer space as well. Fuck him. Now I can’t even keep using ÆSTHETIC without thinking I’m a fuckin’ Tesla truck ad. GUESS WHAT ELON MUSK? DESERT GUERRILLA FREEDOM FIGHTER TERRORISTS WILL NEVER STRAP ANTI AIRCRAFT GUNS TO YOUR PIECE OF SHIT TRUCK. And to me, honestly, that is the ultimate sign of a truck’s authenticity.

Ponytail Challenge - Pt. 2 of 36

So this week stupid Jeff Gordon won whatever race they had. I did not include it in my life at all, so I don't know what happen, but I would imagine it was boring, but they had a lot of commercials pretending it was very macho to be bored in such a way. I do know when I was watching five minutes of The Simpsons at night, they had a stupid commercial about some dude and his wife on the couch and him talking like Nascar was somehow cool, and it was going to be in Las Vegas, which is also cool. It was at that point (amongst many in my life) that I realized just how fucking out of step I am with the rest of my fellow American humans.
Jeff Gordon originally was not liked. Regular dudes thought him a pussy, and rooted for Dale Earnhardt or Terry Labonte or other regular dudes like that - guys who still wore mustaches. But somewhere in the process of Nascar getting younger and every driver talking in a whine and looking like he runs a landscaping company, regular dudes starting liking Jeff Gordon, I guess because he raced at the same time real dudes used to. I don't get it. I hate Jeff Gordon. Hate him. Even when I don't care about Nascar, and I looked up the race to try and at least do this stupid ponytail challenge thing for more than one week, I saw Jeff Gordon won and I was like, "Man, that sucks. Fuck Jeff Gordon."
That being said, in my goofy system, he can buy his way out of elimination at some point later this season. Being not every driver who raced last week actually was gonna be a full-time racer this season, there were a handful of drivers who did not even attempt to qualify this week who raced last week. Of those drivers, Robert Richardson Jr. was the dude who had the lowest amount of points from last week, so he gets nipped off the back end of the remaining possible champions. The beginning of the Nascar season is boring as fuck. So is the end. I do not even know who Robert Richardson Jr. is, or who his father was.
42nd: Robert Richardson Jr. (did not qualify for the Subway Fresh Fit 500)
43rd: J.J. Yeley (finished last in the Daytona 500)

c a r z y

die-cast dreams delivered, three

dollars a shot – amassing

more small-sized rides than leno

(7s) Fred Durst List #7 - Dana White

Dana White is a complete fucking fool, and it makes perfect sense that MMA is sheltered inside the madness of Las Vegas, where such a personality can be comped and propped up by sycophantic tip seekers and visiting hicks in awe of seeing someone from the TVs. A very obvious attention whore who has made himself a bigger star than the guys who actually shorten their lifespans for this new-fangled MMA sport, which - and I say this completely as a compliment - is brutal as fuck and hardly a testament to athletic superiority so much as aggressive dominance. Dana is one of those fortysomething white dudes who came up on hip hop and is really serious about his hard-to-take serious emtity, who uses rap lingo and wears t-shirts that look fucking stupid. (Actually, MMA is a terrible trendsetter for hideous t-shirts, sort of morphing together the over-sponsorship of Nascar with graphic designers who are apparently all ICP fans to one degree or another.)
The thing that bothers me about Dana White most of all, other than him looking like a giant walking penis, is how he acts like this indignant protector of the true honor of mixed martial artistry. The fact of the matter is UFC is the only main game in town anymore in that field, and they set the pay scale for dudes. And when you see the amount of purse money given to dudes, you are like, "Whoa, these dudes are paid like a motherfucker, they have no right to complain." But they also have to pay for all that other shit - the training, the retarded supplements, the bad tattoos - that go along with getting to that spot. And the dudes winning the opening matches, they really ain't making shit to speak of when you figure they only get a few fights a year, and are allowing themselves to have their bones tweaked and brains pummelled. But then when an Anderson Silva acts a fool, or Brock Lesnar says some stupid shit after a fight, Dana White acts all insulted, like guys who are basically beating on each other and twisting at each other's joints until somebody quits or is broken or blacks out are supposed to be gentlemenly nobility, and wear fucking monocles and have cups of tea and speak in polysyllabic words as much as possible. What the fuck man? Fucking shut up.
I actually just got the first disc of season five of The Ultimate Fighter, having took a long ass break since I watched season four, because I started to get convinced that Dana White's whole "you have to realize the opportunity you're being given here" combined with ring girls with weird shaped butts in those really strange UFC go-go shorts that no one could fuck, and the general no female contact attitude combined with grappling on mats with partially exposed men, it just seemed like a really elaborate way to turn alpha males into gay men to me, and accelerate the demise of the human race. Or it could be Dana White's way to narrow down the field of recipients for MMA groupie action so that he gets his pick of the whore every event (which happens like every five days it seems nowadays). Although, it would not surprise me at all, probably in another ten years when he's older and his creepiness is less guarded, that Dana White would be caught up in a gay sex for UFC positioning scandal. He has those sketchy, shady eyes of a closeted pervert. (This is not to say gay people are naturally perverts, but to use your power for gay favors or non-gay favors is a perversion, and when you are a weird shaved-head to hide the balding pattern dude with a weasel face who is fucking big, HGH-ed up mongoloids who love Jesus and popping elbows out of their socket, then yeah, that's fucking perverted.)
It is hard to actually feel like once I'm famous I could smash people with bottles, because I don't actually keep that much hate inside of my twisted little heart. So with my "one chunk at a time" blog writing style, it took me a couple months to actually put together this seven-list, so a lot of it's probably no longer relevant, either to pop culture, or even my own personal animosity. But I can say, looking back across these seven dudes, I'd most likely at some point in any given month want to smash them with an empty forty bottle. Dana White though, man, he'd annoy me far more often than that though, as he's always popping up in his pseudo-hip fashion on the internet or talk shows or whatever, and reminding me of what a little Napoleon complexed out bitch he is.

(7s) Fred Durst List #6 - George Clooney

George Clooney is traditionally considered a conventionally hot ass Hollywood dude, so immediate reaction to me hating upon him would be to think, “Oooh, Raven a hater, because George look so good.” But really that’s not the case. My problem with this dude stems from the fact he is a pioneer in superficial plastic surgeries for men, to pretend to be hot, and to look younger and smaller faced now than he did fifteen years ago. Without this dude, we wouldn’t have calf implants or eyebrow tucks or whatever the fuck they’ve done to this guy to tighten his face skin up like a drumhead every fourteen months. And then for him to kick it with the sly smile and the “I’m so good looking, but care about things,” schtick, it doesn’t really bother me like other dudes on this list so much as make me feel bad for the dude. He must have the real deal self-esteem of a porn slut.
But he is propped up as a star now, one who cares about Darfur and AIDS, and makes movies every once in a while that are box office successes but usually the same movie he made like two years ago just with some new bitch starring with him. So I’ll be honest, I don’t hate George Clooney and want to smash him with a forty bottle so much as hate the whole fucking thing we have. But I’m not the following type, so I can’t just sign up for Al Qaeda (though I do have the beard) and learn the trickeries and smash planes into giant buildings. Those old crazy Islam wives who were trying to kill the cartoonist in Europe, they couldn’t even do that. So what’s the point of hating this whole system and trying to destroy it with terrorist acts, when two completely blending in ass white women from America couldn’t even kill a stupid political cartoonist not in America? Plus, if I force my beliefs on others, that makes me just like what I hate. So I ain’t gonna do it. I’m gonna believe my beliefs and leave it to myself. But if I get rich and can get away with bullshit like a Roethlisberger, I’d smash Clooney in the nipped and tucked and stitched and sucked eyeballs with a forty bottle, just to keep it real to my true self, and also because what would they do if I was rich by that point? It’d be an Us Weekly story and I’d go to some sort of rehab facility where I watched baseball games on the TV while taking prescribed sedatives, and masturbate myself to sleep every night for about two weeks. I only hope that at that point, my moral compass is still relatively pointed true north soul, and I’m still gonna use an empty forty bottle and not be justifying the use of a $400 bottle of cabernet sauvignon or some bullshit like that.

(7s) Fred Durst List #5 - Jim Rome

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(7s) Fred Durst List #4 - Jay Leno

This is no thirtysomething Gen X hipster dumbass with weird prescription glasses knee-jerk loyalty reaction to the completely stupid Conan vs. Leno thing, because I don't care. Honestly, Conan should be thankful for the thing because him on The Tonight Show sucked. It lacked the same looseness and oddballery of the previous 12:30 one.
The fact of the matter is Jay Leno is a mean-spirited asshole, who has become ridiculously wealthy by being a mean-spirited asshole. And look at the dude. He's not that good looking. He doesn't really come across that smart, though he condescends well enough to people stupider than him to make himself seem smart. He's just a fucking asshole with a giant collection of stupid cars and that's supposed to make him all working class. "Oh, I'm gonna do my goddamned stupid fucking show for a bunch of unemployed retards and halfwits in some shithole godforsaken rust belt state that's rusting into parts already. And fat yet malnourished, self righteous yet close-minded cocksuckers eat it up. Jay Leno is comedy for the Wal-Mart Supercenter crowd. I hate that shit, and I hate him, and I'd love to smash him and them and the whole thing with empty beer bottles.
There was this dude who wrote the Poor Man's James Bond books whose name escapes me right now, but he used to have a website, and I used to read at it after the 9/11s, and he basically said the best way to fuck everybody up and make them all scared is to just coordinate like three Wal-Mart attacks all at once, because people would freak out, and it attacks at exactly what America really is. And while I keep myself in the line of thinking that I won't force my way on the rest of the world because that makes me the same type of judgemental know-it-all-better-than-you asshole like I condemn, I can see the sense in that Poor Man's James Bond's thinking. Not the sense in like, "yeah, do that shit," but the sense in yeah people would freak the fuck out.
If I get rich though, I'll get myself out of that line of thinking long enough to bust an empty La Fin Du Monde into Jay Leno's fat prick chinbone.

(7s) Fred Durst List #3 - Kanye West

I probably should let Kanye slide for being a dumbass because how much can you expect from a guy whose mom died from complications related to completely unnecessary plastic surgery disasters? I'm sure the home life was a warped and misguided affair from jump, that helped create a kid with undeniable talents barely above mediocre that had a misunderstood genius complex from an early age, looking in the mirror at what he told hisself was the greatest ever, even though everybody was like, "hahaha." The misunderstood genius complex is one of the most dangerous psychological conditions when it comes to pop culture because the diseased thinks themself on another plane about everything, and this is cultivated and grows to the point that eventually, even if people like them, the dude can't be happy because the fans don't truly understand what's being done to truly like it for the right reasons. This is Kanye to the tee, thinking he's on some next level shit when really all it is is basic pop-oriented hip hop with a healthy V8 splash of eurotrashery hipsterism.
Allow me right quickly to get my old fool from old school red and black lumberjack with the hat to match tirade out the way about ghostwriting. I am of the belief you ain't shit if people ghostwrite your lyrics. Now I know this is a tired line of thought that is no longer accepted, as hip hop music has finally been completely turned into nothing more than a commercial industry by the old world overlords - a better term than "zionists" which conjures up anti-semitism accusations, and to be fair it's an old country club of jews and germans and brits and even blackfaces at this point, that turn music from something you do into something you hope people will buy. Kanye has benefitted almost entirely from ghostwriters throughout his career, as well as stupid sped up vocal samples that he probably bit off juke house DJs in his native Chicago anyways, so it's hard to have old school respect, and not because what he does is of questionable sexuality, but because it lacks the alpha male masculinity of doing it yourself. I don't mind gay music at all, so long as the person doing it is actually doing it.
(How many times have you seen somebody write "Kayne" instead of "Kanye"? If they had to make a dyslexia test, they should just tell people to write down the name of this guy with a picture of Kanye. When we used to do the Expert Whiteboy Analysis at dumpin.net, fucking Richard Dawson would never spell Kanye write, to the point I just stopped correcting because what the fuck, I wasn't getting paid to edit that 20,000 words a month bullshit.)
Also, I probably have never gotten over the truth that Kanye blew up off that "Through The Wire" song, which was a good enough sounding song, I won't deny, but was basically a dude being really overly melodramatic about breaking his jaw in a car wreck. Man, there's fake flower memorials along every other guard rail on the 15 miles back road ride from here to town. Fuck you and your broken ass jaw you self-important bitch. If you're some futuristic next level space age bullshit then the future sucks and aliens are assholes and I'm gonna apply "south will rise again" mentalities to the rest of the entire motherfuckin' universe.

(7s) Fred Durst List #2 - Kevin Smith

There has been more than one person during my life try to convince me how great Kevin Smith and his films are, and never once has that person had my respect for them overpower my intimate personal knowledge that Kevin Smith is a fucking fool ass. In fact, I tend to associate the friend with fool assery before I start to think Kevin Smith might actually be something more than some dumbass kid who made a good cheap indy film about working in a shitty convenience store. I'm all for that, and sure, Clerks was funny at the time (although I rewatched it a couple of years ago and it's not exactly a timeless comedy classic either), but really, Kevin Smith parlayed that into far more than he probably should have, considering, in essence, he's a comic book dork who argues with other dorks inside the interwebs.
Now I readily admit part of my disdain for Kevin Smith is probably undeserved and based on cultural barriers, me being a half-retarded barely educated beyond my ignorance rural whiteboy from the non-deep South, and him being a half-retarded barely educated beyond his ignorance suburban Jersey fuckface. I say beach, he says shore; I say cookout, he says barbecue; but we ain't calling the whole thing off, because seriously, I would like to smash this dude with an empty 40 bottle.
I understand he has some pseudo-stand-up routine/crowd interaction thing he does that has developed into a highly entertaining night of high brow fart jokes over the years, and that's great, because ComicCons should have contributed something greater to society than empowering fat pasty dorks into going public with themselves. But from the interviews I've read with this dude, the things I've seen him say, shit man even watching part Dogma, it is obvious this is a guy who, no matter how goofy he plays himself off as, when combined with the fact he still, as a famous person, argues inside the interwebs regularly, is someone who takes himself seriously. Now I don't have a film degree from UCLA or nothing, but I've watched enough movies to have a decent idea of good cinematography; and I do have a faggot English degree, so I know well written material, and his flicks don't really offer up either of these aspects in heavy doses. But here he is, Mr. Bigshot Film Dude, who will probably read this, look around my blog, and decide to make a remake of Every Which Way But Loose starring Ben Affleck as Philo Beddo with Seth Rogen as Orville and some stupid Hollywood indy slut of the season as the Sondra Locke bitch and a computer generated orangutan. Mark my words. That's how much of a piece of shit he is.
(Hahaha, I actually wrote that whole thing before his fat ass got kicked off an airplane, but that just reaffirms everything I said anyways. I have dabbled in internet dork cultures, and there are dork spaces for all cultures - from obscure sports to fringe movies to raising chickens to anything really. The internet is a bizarre culture dish where the unwanted in real life can pretend they are wanted and give their pasty fat asses an inflated sense of self. Kevin Smith is probably the most famous example. I remember him bragging on how many Myspace friends he has, and now he seems pretty damn proud of his twitter ranking. He is just proud of himself enough to tell everybody how awesome he is, and given backbone to such things by his sycophantic internet followers, yet still inside he's a pathetic self-loathing shithead still mad because pretty girls didn't like him and the cool kids didn't drink beer with him in high school, so he tries really hard. I almost want to feel sorry for him, but then he pushes himself so hard and plus has gotten rich off of not that great a body of work, so fuck him.)

(7s) Fred Durst List #1 - Shooter Jennings

If the Fred Durst List were not a list but a title belt that famous people would pass off to each other in the back of my head as The Ultimately Most Deserving of Raven Smashing Empty 64 oz. Private Stock Bottles Over Their Head, then without a doubt, Shooter Jennings would be the holder of that title for a few years running now. The popularity of Hank Williams III and modern "outlaw" country has been tough for me to swallow. I mean, the whole alt.country movement was bad enough, full of suburban sterilized souls and outright Canadians pretending to be rurally aware and full of the darkness that grows wild where I grew up like honeysuckle vines and Wal-Mart parking lots. But man, some of these fake outlaw country v2.0 guys fucking kill me. Kid Rock, for example. That Lynyrd Skynyrd/"Werewolf in London" song that played everywhere a couple years ago, oh lord man, it made me wish for more Al Qaeda funding from abroad. But, and this is probably an embarrassing admission on my part, Kid Rock has done like two or three songs that momentarily entertained me, although they all eventually faded into played outness (except maybe that "Only God Knows Why" song, which if it catches me just right, like driving to the river on a hot day with beer between my legs, it still makes sense to me).
But Shooter Jennings' music, if you've never listened to it, is the most pretentious wannabe outlaw bullshit that has ever been made. It's obviously music made by someone who doesn't really understand outlaw living at all. Being a wealthy kid who got into exclusive clubs as a teenager to get drunk is not really true outlaw behavior, and Shooter Jennings always comes across like someone who'd be more comfortable on an episode of The Hills than sitting around a picnic table with a beer cooler centerpiece. He had a show on the Sirius satellite that I listened to for about seven minutes a couple of weeks in a row, at the beginning because it must've came on after something good, maybe Hillbilly Jim's Moonshine Matinee on the weekend, and good lord it made me want to smash the world in frustration for not being able to kill the satellite sending the waves back to earth. Pretendery and pompous. And when you look at the dude, it's such a stylized ruffian look, with greasy looking hair that has grease added after washing with organic lavendar conditioner rather than actually left unwashed to get that natural greasy look going. (That's an interesting aside, the pretentious nature of "organic" as opposed to just doing it, like making three thousand degrees of extra effort to prove you are not doing the same stupid shit makes it better. On food, I understand the labeling, because I don't like feeding my children slow cancer, but at the same time if you're eating Angie's Organic Frozen Pizzas all the time, it's still processed and comes from a big nasty ass factory with giant vats of things being pressed into shape by machines operated by Mexicans.)
I have become certain that at some point I will cross paths with Shooter Jennings, and I will get to smash him, should I choose to live my dream, and I feel bad, because the best dog I ever had got his name from the dude's dad. But at the same time, later generations of awesome people end up sucking. I was supposed to paint a house for a dude who used to be the dentist for the family that the guy named Raven I got my name came from, and I was gonna get the gig because of that connection. But I never got back to the old dude, so he went another way, and I'm sure he was all like, "Man, this damn Raven guy is nothing like old Raven Speed was. These turkeys have turned this world all to hell." And then he'd complain about the Mexicans probably since a couple of them live on our road now and one of them has wrecked into the same embankment in a curve two times in the past five weeks. But he did it into the yard of the asshole former state trooper who lives down the road from me, so I think it's funny. That former state trooper dude used to call our old landlord when we didn't cut our grass. Now we own the place and let it grow all the time, and have junk cars and chickens and pigs and a tipi and a freezer on the front porch and a pile of scrap metal and there's nothing he can do about it. What's up now, bitches?

(7s) Fred Durst List Intro

I have always had a confidence that fame would someday surround my stupid name, and around a decade ago, it was a major goal of mine to use that fame for good. Namely, this would encompass taking up a couple of charitable causes to make poor ass kids from shitburg towns maybe grow up with a little more self confidence, or at least a stronger sense of identity other than, "Damn, we fucked." But also, I would want to smash empty alcohol bottles, preferably large ones, over the head of Fred Durst, as he was, at the time I came up with this life goal, riding the brief wave of popularity that the bad white rapper/crappy rock band cross-genre was experiencing. Fred Durst seemed to me to be the antithesis to everything that made sense inside my brain, and it was bothersome that people would even momentarily like him. Of course, one should never be shocked at how stupid the things the masses enjoy are, but also, a guy like that was bound to fall back down anyways. After that hideous remake of a Marvin Gaye song, not to mention just too many public displays of how clueless he really was, he faded into the woodwork. I do remember at one point he was given some token executive A&R position at Interscope, so I don't know if he parlayed his youthful success into the Hollywood Jew career track, which, not to push tired stereotypes, to be fair is followed just as often by non-Jews, including regular white people and black people and Latina women in pant suits very commonly nowadays.
Nonetheless, I've still always wanted to bust Fred Durst upside his head with an empty wine jug, regardless of whether he's famous or not anymore. But over the years, inside my brains, I've kept a running list of people comparably deserving, according to my own highly biases judgements, of a busted up head. The list you will read over the coming days will be seven such folks, some of whom have surpassed Fred Durst in filling me with vitriolic infrared vision, and others who haven't come close but deserve mentioning, mostly so I can fill out an entire list of seven. Honestly, combining famous people who suck and real life people I hold unnecessarily long grudges against, I'd probably be hard pressed to come up with an actual seven people to bust upside the head with a bottle, with thought, but for creative purposes, let's just pretend.
Don't get me wrong though. If you gave me 7 bottles and a bust a head free card with each one, and we put them in an old vegetable box in the back of my truck, I'd be done busting them up by the end of the month, without problem. Day to day affairs always create bustable heads, but to actually premeditate such a violent outburst, it's hard to justify so easily. But nonetheless, I made a list.