25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Stoke City F.C.

[an alley in a Stoke-on-Trent slum]

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

This has not been a good season for Stoke City, who finished 13th last season, but could not find that middle of table form this year. Paul Lambert replaced long-time manager Mark Hughes in January, but has not sparked the necessary resurgence to survive, though there’s still a chance. With West Brom locked for the drop, Stoke sits as the lesser of five clubs looking at those last two drop spots, so they have an uphill climb out of the relegation zone. So it’s great I get to return to this idiotic project with them. (West Brom will be next one, on May 15, which is traditionally the cut-off point before I drop relegated teams from my dumb ass project. Lucky them.) [Also FYI I loaded up all the ones I skipped, but blurbless. That way I can pretend this thing has stayed complete while my life has been chaotic.]

#1: Joe Allen (up from #7 last time Stoke City was 25-Manned on 01-Jul-2017) – Wales’ favorite son was rumored to be going to Swansea last silly season but then Swansea office naturally fucked it up. Luckily for them Stoke likely going down so they already got Allen back on the table. Wolverhampton Wanderer Wolves already take the early lead, trying to splash their way back into EPL prominence (or at least mid-table solidness), so ol’ Joe gonna be re-situating himself again next season. But that’s okay, Wales fucked up on qualifying for World Cup, so he’s got time to look for a place.

#2: Erik Pieters (down from #1 last time) – Dutch left back who’s been holding it down at Stoke for a number of seasons, but of course, that means not holding it down so well this season. Been on a downward trend the past two seasons, but remains a fixture at the club because lolol that’s how shit goes for some clubs. His whole aura, despite Dutch heritage, is no longer blaze orange. (See Charlie Adam blurb below.)

#3: Ryan Shawcross (same as last time) – Imposing English center back who has spent a decade at Stoke City, and currently wears the captain’s band. In fact, Shawcross’s first campaign with the Potters was the 2007-08 season when they finished second in the Football Championship to gain promotion. Thus he will have seen both their rise from and likely return to the second tier of English football.

#4: Xherdan Shaqiri (up from #9 last time) – Shaqiri got one of my favorite names in EPL, and of course is Yugoslav diaspora guy, who plays nationally for Switzerland, where he landed as a youth, but is Kosovar Albanian, which means he probably loves Action Bronson. Also if that last sentence gets enough algorithmic data behind it, Action Bronson will likely make a song called “Xherdan Shaqiri”.

#5: Jack Butland (up from #15 last time) – After injury-ridden last season due to ankle surgery, Mr. Butland has finally settled back into the GK role Stoke City saw him owning after letting Asmir Begovic slide into other location. He’s actually not bad either, but sort of in that low level club high-level Englishman stage where he might get a few caps for English team, can hold a steady position with mid- to low-table club, but isn’t going to be anything more than that. I’d hope at this point an Englishman would be okay with that and not think he’s still entitled to colonial roughshod over the Earth.

#6: Mame Diouf (up from #13 last time) – Senegalese striker who spent time but never caught on at Manchester United, then was successful in Germany before coming to Stoke City and leading their African continent contingent (two Senegalese, a Cameroonian, and an Egyptian). However, he has never had a season like his first for the Potters, and though he has also been shifted around to non-striker positions as well. He is true Senegalese too, having started his professional career in Dakar, and most notably scored the winning goal against West Ham on the last day of the season in 2015-16, giving Stoke 9th place on the season. He dedicated the goal to his mother, who had been trampled to death during a stampeded during the 2015 Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca.

#7: Bruno Martins Indi (down from #5 last time) – The “Bruno” part is nickname from full moniker of Rolando Maximiliano Martins Indi, which is an amazing name. RMMI was born in Portugal to African parents, but moved to the Netherlands when he was three months old. I learned that from Wikipedia. A lot of times when I am lazy because this is a free dork writing service on a barely read website, I just look up this shit on wikipedia and make up some dumbass commentary. Of course that’s how 85% of all internet freelance writing is done anyways, and we’ll continue to see diminishing returns in actual knowledge base until eventually people will be trying to change the alternator on their car by googling memes.

#8: Kurt Zouma (previously #18 for Chelsea on 15-Sep-2017) – Zouma is a French center back on loan all season by Chelsea. Chelsea’s on-loan roster is a constant source of stupid commentary by football dorks who say something about how it’s wrong they have that many players on loan. I don’t really care. One day Chelsea will answer to the Wretched of the Earth. But where do men like Zouma fall? Are we to blame them and attack them when the global class uprising happens? Or are they just victims of circumstance? Intersectional theory gonna get complicated as fuck. I hope somebody builds an app to figure that out. (Lolol please don’t.)

#9: Geoff Cameron (down from #8 last time) – Not only the rare American sighting (go Amerikkka! hurry up and planned obsolescence yourself!) but also a dude who made it through the backwards and counter-productive American collegiate soccer system. But also he’s almost 33, getting less and less minutes on a relegation zone club, so likely to make a HUGE SPLASH coming to play for Minnesota United in MLS or some shit like that. No diss to Minnesota, but I can’t think of a worse place to come be a soccer pro in America, although hopefully their Academy team is full of relentless Somalians who give thanks to Allah every goal like Mo Salah.

#10: Peter Crouch (up from #14 last time) – A 37-year-old, 6-foot-7, English striker. ‘Nuff said. He will play forever in legends leagues.

#11: Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting – Possessor of long ominous name which sounds vaguely super heroic, except it hasn’t helped the Potters not appear to be about to be relegated, nor did it help the Cameroonian team qualify for the World Cup. He has not brought as much honor to himself as he did in Germany where he was born and raised. Why does he even have the #10 tbh?

#12: Darren Fletcher (previously #2 for West Brom Albion on 15-Jul-2017) – Old Scotsman who played over 200 matches with ManU before aging into downward trend through West Brom and now at Stoke City since last summer. Playing less so moving down this list from last time we did it.

#13: Ramadan Sobhi (up from #22 last time) – I got much love for Egyptian players going into the World Cup, especially on the heels of Mo Salah’s amazing run the past year. Sobhi is a top player on that national team as well, and Salah played in Egypt until the uprising caused him to relocate to European club as the nation’s domestic league was put on hiatus. Sobhi, however, came through Egyptian club soccer at top level there after the uprising, and was in fact in Al Ahly’s youth team through the revolution. Al Ahly and Zamalek SC are Egypt’s Celtic/Rangers (with Al Ahly playing the role of Celtic… hopefully that means something to you), so Sobhi is from battle-hardened good stock. In fact, it was he who scored an equalizer for Al Ahly in the first meeting between them and Al Masry after the Port Said riot in February 2012 where Al Masry supporters invaded the pitch and attacked people, allegedly because of how heavily involved Al Ahly supporters were involved in Tahrir Square protests that ushered in the revolution. Thus Port Said riot was sort of also Al Ahly’s Hillsborough, with 74 dead at Port Said. All this football metaphysics for a 21-year-old dude playing about half the time for 19th out of 20 Premier League club. FOOTBALL METAPHYSICS IS FUCKING DEEP.

#14: Lee Grant (down from #10 last time) – Lee Grant is the back-up GK who also filled in heavily last season while Butland was injured, and also helped end the American Civil War at the Battle of JD Vance.

#15: Glen Johnson (down from #6 last time) – Former Liverpool defender in his third season with the Potters but has been relegated to playing sparingly, and the window appears to be closing for the 33 year old defender. Always interesting in cases like this to see where the guy goes – does he take the relegation with the club, or try to bounce elsewhere in Europe (because doubtful he will be seen as EPL material, at least not one that plays), or what? But 200 caps at Liverpool in all competitions will be his career mark. (Also did they at one point actually get a cap? I am American, explain these things to me please.)

#16: Marko Arnautovic (down from #2 last time, also previously #14 for West Ham United on 01-Apr-2018) – Arnautovic had been a top star for the Potters before but joined West Ham last summer, where he has more than lived up to his negative reputation in Austrian football as a self-important fuck-up. Slaven Bilic couldn’t really do shit with him (or anybody) perhaps due to Serb/Croat conflict deep in their DNA, but when David Moyes came in, first thing he did was essentially say “lolol fuckin’ Marko gotta tighten his shit up.” Arnautovic’s recent form has been better, but that is for West Ham, and it’s taken a while, and been expensive, so Stoke City can’t be disappointed in letting him go.

#17: Charlie Adam (down from #12 last time) – Long-term Rangers boy back in the day, but in his sixth season at Stoke. Also played a couple strong seasons at Blackpool, a club most notable for having a cheap as fuck orange kit at classic football shirts dot something or other which ya boy the Dirtgod bought and looks fly as fuck in. It’s some weird manufacturer Errea, but looks good with some Tims and blaze orange socks. My whole aura is blaze orange, unless it’s electric lime green.

#18: Kevin Wimmer (previously #21 for Tottenham Hotspur on 01-Nov-2017) – Austrian defender who had been at Tottenham but never made solid impact in the starting XI with Spurs, so ended up at Stoke City this season, where he has mostly failed, and been catching extra shit from manager Paul Lambert, who came in to try and save the sinking ship in January.

#19: Glenn Whelan (down from #4 last time) – An old Irish midfielder who spent nearly a decade at Stoke and had over 300 caps in all competitions, but was sold to Aston Villa before this season, so made the transition to the Football Championship twelve months earlier than his old compadres.

#20: Moritz Bauer – Bauer first came onto the scene as a young farmboy in The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser, before his breakout supporting role as a drunk mechanic in Stroszek. He came to Stoke City in the January transfer window.

#21: Badou Ndiaye – Part of a Senegalese national team that’s got West Africa hyped for this summer’s World Cup, and also a hero in Dakar because he legit got his start in African football before going to European continent. Impossible for me not to hear the “Rimshot (intro)” to Erykah Badu’s live album either, going “badou… badou… badou…”

#22: Saido Berahino (up from #23 last time, also previously #17 for West Brom Albion on 15-Jul-2017) – On one hand a kid from Burundi who was once chastised for having videos of him doing nitrous show up online. (I consider this a plus.) On the other he’s a christian who supports Manchester United in his heart. (Obviously that’s all very negative. Corporate conversion is late capital’s equivalent to old colonial religious conversion. Every time you see some poor Third World kid in a secondhand ManU kit, you should be sad.)

#23: Jonathan Walters (down from #11 last time) – Another guy who escaped the Potters’ sinking ship to Burnley, though he’s hardly appeared but that’s okay too because he’s an old ass Irish striker so he’s lived his life enough. Being mad at that would be like being mad at a 15-year-old black lab that leaks piss all over the place when sleeping on the floor… just be happy they made it this far, scratch them behind their ear, and enjoy their twilight.

#24: Phil Bardsley (down from #16 last time, also previously #21 for Burnley on 15-Apr-2018) – Bardsley was a Manchester United youth wonder, but never caught on with the first team, so spent 8 years in Sunderland then three at Stoke. Last summer he was saved by a transfer to Burnley. Also he is Scottish so it is important to those who read this that this is important to for me to point out his Glaswegian club allegiance lies with Rangers, where he spent one season on loan, and scored a single goal for them, which is like the mark above his metaphysical door which shall leave him banished to the dark side of the aether wars.

#25: Tom Edwards – Tom Edwards is last on the list, thus he gets minimal effort on my part. Sorry Tommy boy.

25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Stoke City F.C.

(Stoke City fans harassing Wayne Rooney years ago)

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

July is upon us, unleashing the corporate chaos of transfer season is full blossom of ridiculous financial figures which only seem to be growing more insane. Whatever though. There are legitimately only six clubs in the EPL who have legitimate power roles, and those are the ones who shall contend for European football moving forward. Of course, the past two seasons have seen clubs from without the European football window (meaning no Champions or Europa League) with Leicester City coming from nowhere, and Chelsea recovering from Jose Mourinho running them into the ground the previous season by being able to focus on the EPL and run away with it last season. Will some club outside the top seven do that again this season? Who the fuck knows, but probably not. But I’m not here to speculate about all that, mostly just trying to maintain my first of da month it’s da first of da month (and fifteenth) regular routine of dropping another one of these damn thangs on the nowhere that is my dark corner of the internet (but not deep web, just shallow web, but not algorithmed out maximum style). What I know about Stoke City FC? I like their kits, the striped red and white joints, and they’re called The Potters, which is better than what it could be. But beyond that, they’re not one of the biggest clubs deserving of my anti-corporate born loser contempt, and they’re not a direct rival to my beloved idiot Swans of Swansea City, although I guess Stoke City occupies that same realm of lesser but potentially good but also potentially relegated clubs, which shit, that’s about half the Premier League. Right? Anyways, here are the 25 men who metaphysically and mathematically have had the biggest roles in the past 100 non-friendly competitive matches by the Stoke City Potters of Stoke-on-Trent, England, Premier League, Earth…

#1: ERIK PIETERS – Dutch left back who’s been consistently their go-to guy since 2013, but caught shit last season for falling off his high horse of supporter esteem. Thus, the Potters starting that easy talk of getting a teenager challenger/support player to, ya know, just prepare for the future (aka either motivate the fucker or give the club enough promise of an excuse to let the veteran go).

#2: MARKO ARNAUTOVIC – Austrian winger who’s also been with Stoke City since 2013-14 season, when he came over from the Bundesliga. My personal familiarity with Arnautovic was the two minutes that the failure demons disappeared from Swansea City’s season last spring, and I knew metaphysics was on our side, as Arnautovic was about to take a PK which would have drawn Stoke City even at 1-1, and likely doomed the Swans to Hull City’s place in the Football Championship. But for some reason (metaphysics, the football Gods, whatever) Arnautovic bizarrely shanked it high, and then a minute later Tom Carroll lobbed a second goal over GK Jack Butland’s head, Swansea City went up 2-0, and went on to survive another Premier League campaign. He’s been Stoke City’s main point of attack, and should continue to serve that purpose, as other attack options they’ve brought in have all failed to live up to the potential hype.

#3: RYAN SHAWCROSS – Center back captain who’s pulled a decade of service with the club. He had an injury-plagued 2015-16, but came back strong last season, missing just three matches all season long, all competitions.

#4: GLENN WHELAN – Whelan, an Irish midfielder, will come up on a decade of service on Stoke City’s squad this coming January. He is however being linked to moves to both Derby County and Aston Villa, though this time of year, everybody is being linked to moves everywhere. I did an ego search of my own name the other day and saw I was linked to a potential move to Blackpool FC, as cover at left back. I had no idea.

#5: BRUNO MARTINS INDI – Porto defender who played 37 of 41 matches last season for Stoke City while on season-long loan. With him gone, they’re forced to go to who they already have, but if they depended so heavily on a loanee last season, one has to believe manager Mark Hughes not exactly keen on his back line entirely.

#6: GLEN JOHNSON – Aging right full back who just signed a contract extension to get even older in striped Stoke City kit. Has also appeared extensively for the English national team over the years, most notably in 2014 World Cup, where he fed a beautiful assist to shithead Wayne Rooney for their only score in 2-1 loss to Uruguay.

#7: JOE ALLEN – Welsh midfielder who brokes all of Wales hearts by going to Stoke City before last season instead of coming home to Swansea. Allen played his youth football there, and is Welsh as fuck (meaning he speaks Welsh, which is all you really have to do to make Welsh people happy as fuck about you, even though they teach it in the schools there now, AT ONE POINT THEY DIDN’T SO MOTHERFUCKERS GET HYPE, OKAY?). His only time outside of Wales at club level was his previous stint for four years at Liverpool, but he settled in well with the Potters, and it’s a good squad for him because he’s one of those players who can excel at middle of the table clubs and help push them into that 6th through 9th zone, but he’d get lost in the crowd at one of the big six clubs (as happened with Liverpool).

#8: GEOFF CAMERON – AN AMERICAN BOY, and one who has made the very rare jump from U.S. college soccer, then from MLS to Europe, as usually they fall backwards to the MLS. He’s been midfielder for Stoke City since 2012, and despite missing a chunk of last season with knee injury, signed an extension in May. He’s a serviceable enough midfielder by EPL standards, but he’s not challenging Joe Allen for stardom or gonna contend for a captain’s armband any time ever, but just by being a steady presence in EPL for a few seasons, he’s one of the USMNT MOST AMAZING PLAYERS AND A SIGN WE WILL CONTEND TO WIN THE WORLD CUP IN 2018, because really all you need is a halfway serviceable midfielder and an American birth certificate. We’re that fucking exceptional, ya bish.

#9: XHERDAN SHAQIRI – Shaqiri is young winger who has previously been in high profile clubs Bayern Munich and Inter Milan. But for me the most intriguing aspect is his Swiss citizenship, due to living there after immigration, though is was born in Kosovo to parents with both Kosovan and Albanian descent. Kosovo, of course, gained admittance to UEFA World Cup qualifying, which complicated group draws since that happened late, as the continued literal Balkanization of Yugoslavia makes all these national teams that *may * have conflict any moments, like when Albanian supporters flew drones with Albanian flags dangling during Euro 2016 qualifier against Serbia. Did Shaqiri have any interest in playing for the Kosovan team if he knew they could be part of UEFA? I don’t know. Looking at their national team roster, it’s a hodgepodge of Eastern European club players, with the occasional guys from second level of English or Italian football, or from prominent Dutch teams.

#10: LEE GRANT – Joined Stoke City a year ago on loan from Derby County, where he’d spent a number of seasons, and did so well they signed him on a permanent deal in January. With Butland returning in April, it is expected Grant will be back-up. Grew up a Watford fan, and attended their youth academy, so probably hoping for dream transfer there still too.

#11: JONATHAN WALTERS – Ode to the White Striker, meritocratic relic forced to maintain prominent role in English football due to racialist supporter base. At top of White Striker pyramid is heritage White Striker like Wayne Rooney, though perhaps transfer of Harry Kane directly to Manchester United creates challenge for top White Striker in England. Then of course you have the supporters’ faves like Jamie Vardy, because despite there being athletic excellence there, the drunken fuck can go “That could be you or me, Charlie!” And then holding down the bottom of the upper portion of the White Striker pyramid as visible in the Premier League is the Jonathan Walters level, where you’re good for a handful of goals every year, against other clubs more on your level, but you ain’t gonna break shit wide open for nobody no time soon. And you’re not gonna transfer to Galatasaray any time soon.

#12: CHARLIE ADAM – Midfielder now in his 30s who’s been holding it down for Stoke City since 2012-13 season, but starting to get lost in a more crowded midfield. There’s been rumors (look at all these rumors, I can’t take it no more) of him returning to native Dundee to play for his hometown club, which follows earlier links to a Rangers transfer. Dundee makes sense if football was only about being happy, but this motherfucker probably gonna keep getting an EPL paycheck for another season, unless they send him off.

#13: MAME DIOUF – Senegalese attacking winger that as I looked at his club history, made me sad about football, as young west African kid possessed of the football blessings heads off to Europe and after a couple of Molde seasons is snapped up by Manchester United as they acquire and stockpile raw gems just for the sheer decadent fuck of it. Over the course of four seasons, he makes five appearances for Man United, before being cast asunder. I mean, he landed in the Bundesliga for two years, and did really well, which is how he ended up back in EPL with Stoke City, but his productivity at scoring has steadily declined. I guess he’ll inherit more time if Walters does leave, but seasonal goal contributions trending down (12 to 5 to a single goal last season) suggests if anyone goes, someone else might come. How the fuck do you end up washed up feeling at age 29? You sit on the bench at one of the big Manchester clubs and have your football passion sucked right the fuck out of you, that’s how.

#14: PETER CROUCH – Supporters complaint about the Potters is that they are old as fuck, and only getting older. Nobody on the team is older than Crouch. (That may or may not be true, but he’s an old fucker, and goofy as shit looking too, like if you made a British version of Shaggy from Scooby Doo but one who kept his hair well-trimmed yet looked just as stupid somehow, due to the eyes I guess; and I don’t feel like double-checking this “fact” because likely there are three people reading this. Hi Paul. Hey Jude.)

#15: JACK BUTLAND – Regular GK for Stoke City who missed big chunk of last season with fractured ankle which had originally happened in March of 2016. He was their player of the year for 2015-16, so his return this past April was more than welcome, although Lee Grant did well enough in his absence. Butland’s also the GK for the English team, moving into probably starting role there as well, as he’s a young fucker.

#16: PHIL BARDSLEY – Defensive member of Stoke City’s aging posse. Before coming to the Potters, Bardsley spent a long stint at shitty Sunderland, which would sully anybody, and before that did a five-year stint technically contracted to Manchester United but it just meant they loaned him out all over the world.

#17: PHILIPP WOLLSCHEID – German defender who spent all of last season on loan back to Germany, for Wolfsburg (the team with those ill ass green VW kits), but he got suspended early on for fighting with the manager, then had tinnitus surgery, and finally came back to play for their second team before making about a half dozen appearances for Wolfsburg finally at the end of the season, helping them narrowly avoid relegation out of the Bundesliga. Contractually, he’s back with Stoke City, but it’s hard to imagine his position is secure.

#18: IBRAHIM AFELLAY – Dutch fucker of Moroccan descent who has been injury plagued since joining Stoke City in July of 2015. Got knee injured in April of 2016 which put him out for 8 months, returning day after Boxing Day against Liverpool last season. Performed well enough to get a contract extension in March, but then fucked his knee up again in April requiring another surgery, thus his future is on the shelf until he regains fitness post-rehab. Also of note is he is a Berber. The Berbers will rise again, fyi.

#19: GIANNELLI IMBULA – Belgian defensive midfielder who came over from Portuguese league February of 2016, and has performed horribly, and the club is planning on dumping him off as soon as they can.

#20: MARC MUNIESA – Sexy young Spaniard defender who came up through Barcelona youth academy, and played extensively for Barcelona B from 2009-2013, but never broke through with the A team. Muniesa’s role increased the second half of the season, and he is one of their younger players, so it’s hard to imagine him being allowed to get away, but links sending him back to Spain are out there. Again though, it’s July, everybody is rumored to go anywhere.

#21: BOJAN – Spaniard with Serbian bloodlines who was not finding playing time at winger/forward under manager Mark Hughes, and got loaned to Mainz 05 the second half of last season, who were at the bottom of the Bundesliga table. He scored against Bayern Munich, making him one of only seven men to have scored in the top leagues of England, Germany, Italy, and Spain. Has been promised a chance to continue to have role with Stoke City by Hughes, but who the fuck can trust managers.

#22: RAMADAN SOBHI – Young Egyptian winger (only 20) who previously spent his entire youth and club career with Al Ahly, which is one of the more amazing club stories in all the world. The rivalry – both in terms of football as well as culture – between Al Ahly and Zamalek in Cairo is like if you made River Plate/Boca Juniors rivalry highly political as well. Has not as of yet scored in EPL, but did cause Swansea City’s Alfie Mawson to deflect a cross into an OG. His club future is still to unfold, but he is seen as Egypt’s next big scoring threat. Thus far, in both 2017 African Cup of Nations as well as World Cup qualifying thus far (Egypt leads their group), he has played tertiary role behind Mohamed Salah and Abdallah Said, but if they gain qualification, perhaps next summer in Russia will be his breakout.

#23: SAIDO BERAHINO – Came to Stoke City from West Brom this past January, after failing to impress and losing clout there. In 13 appearances for the Potters, he failed to score though, and a drug suspension previously having been served was revealed as well. Still only 23, but there’s swirls of chaos around the young Burundi striker, so this is likely important season for him to either settle himself or become nomadic football vagabond forever.

#24: JOSELU – Joined Stoke City two seasons ago, but spent all of last season loaned to Deportivo de la Coruna in La Liga. Currently telling the press that standard thing players who could end up anywhere say, that he’ll work hard to perform well for Stoke City, or for wherever he goes, because you know football kayfabe.

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#25: WILFRIED BONY – When I first fell in love with EPL fascination, and Swansea City specifically, it was when Wilfried Bony was in top form, before Manchester City came swooping in. The few months when Bony was leading the league in goals was amazing to watch, because his technique was so west African, so impossible to stop when he turned it on. It has made me sad to see him waste away in Manchester City contractual stagnancy, and after causing nothing but problems during his short time at Stoke City, his options look even more limited this season. But nobody’s gonna pay what Man City paid for him (it’s a lot), so they’ll have to find a sucker somewhere on this Earth, perhaps in China, likely in Turkey, who will take at least a fat chunk of the wage bill. And Bony’s only fucking 28. Corporate football will eat motherfuckers up, and most people who might accidentally read this would blame the whole thing on Wilfried himself. Brexit MAGA ass bitches.