[yes please, more managers that look burly af like Darren Moore,
less pasty old lemonfaced fuckers]
[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]
Now that I’ve cycled through all the clubs, even
though I took a mental break (but back entered those missing entries, just
without my HIGHLY CLEVER BLURBS), I figured I’m just gonna set the standard
that mid-May is when I’ll cut off the season’s standings, even though Premier
League is done, because there’s still playoff finals and the FA Cup final, so
fuck it, we’ll do one more club before metaphysically introducing you to the
three clubs who got promoted the next three times.
Of biggest note to me personally is my boys the
Swans of Swansea City got their punk asses relegated, which to be honest
outside of Carlos Carvalhal’s brief boost as poetic nonsense man who always
smiled with giant scary eyes, they deserved getting relegated. Selling off your
best talent, without brining anybody worth a shit, and slowly morphing away
from good football is going to end up with bad football, always. Add in idiot
American ownership consortium (which I feel metaphysically is partially my
fault for having taking interest in the club and causing them to shine brighter
within two hour driving distance of Jason Levien), and they were bound to get
relegated. Lucky it didn’t happen last season to be honest.
Following my schedule would’ve given me West
Bromwich Albion this time, and I’m sticking to that even though technically
they’ve already been demoted and are no longer a Premier League club. They
seemed a solid last place until Darren Moore, a rare Jamaican manager in
England, took over and fired them up to at least stay in the mix until the
Wednesday before the end of the season. That honestly didn’t seem possible
three months ago, and Moore not only actually won PL Manager of the Year for
April, but is sure to go from caretaker to official manager now that they’re a
level down. Isn’t he? One can never tell what sort of fucked up thinking
English football clubrooms will utilize though. Anyways, here’s your 25 men who
have metaphysically domineered the Baggies on-pitch mindframe the past 100
for-real matches…
#1: BEN
FOSTER (up from #4 last time West
Brom got the 25-Man Metaphysical treatment on 15-Jul-2017) – Aging GK (35)
who has pledged honor, obedience, and loyalty to the West Brom patch, which is
to be expected from veteran footballer with over 200 caps at a club, because he
ain’t trying to get attacked in the streets by supporters (does West Brom have
supporters?) after they got relegated. Still though, it’s not like Ben Foster’s
gonna get a lot of offers elsewhere on the upward incline at his age (and with
“glass knees” as he called them himself), so perhaps he’ll still be in between
the posts next season for the baggies.
#2: CRAIG
DAWSON (down from #1 last time) –
Despite West Brom’s relegation, Dawson is still an in-his-prime
English-nationality defender, which means all the other middling non-Big Six
clubs are already hinting at swooping in for ol’ boy. Literally half the
Premier League from 7th position down is currently linked to moves for Dawson.
And like most demoted clubs, West Brom will complement their PL parachute
payment by selling off valuable pieces to either start again, or continuing
spiraling further downward. It should be noted that last year’s Premier League
20th place club (almost what West Brom was before their late season run)
Sunderland also finished last in the second-tier this season, and will start
afresh again in August in League One. American sports lacks the brutal reality
of multiple relegations (fuck, we don’t even have single relegation in our
stupid corporate sports models) which can quickly sober a club up from drunk
off TV money to “well fuck, are we still better than Accrington Stanley or
not?”
#3: SALOMON
RONDON (up from #5 last time) – Top
striker for the Venezuelan national team, who are likely the worst national
team in South America, other than the counties like Guyana that pretend to be
part of North America because they’re so far behind the rest of CONMEBOL.
Venezuela also has a smattering of midfielders that play in La Liga, but Rondon
is the lone Venezuelan lobo in the upper echelons of English football.
#4: ALLAN
NYOM (up from #10 last time) – Nyom’s
one of those defenders that featured regularly for a West Brom side, and came
to PL from La Liga when Watford was promoted a few seasons back, who is
probably too good on paper to go down a tier, but also not good enough to
really nail down a solid spot anywhere else in the PL. However, dudes like this
float around the nether regions of Premier League forever, and it’s strange to
think of how workmanlike it becomes, just living in some country you didn’t
know really until a few years ago, but fuck it you’re sort of settled in, kind
of. Life is a weird fucking thing. Sadly, we won’t be seeing Nyom or the
Cameroonian national team this summer, as they were victims to the African
qualifying group of death, which also contained Algeria and Nigeria (who did
qualify).
#5: JONNY
EVANS (up from #6 last time) – Evans
was captain this season, so that’s probably a strike against him He’s also part
of the small crew of Northern Irishmen that gave West Brom PL success in
surviving last season, that has seen them not succeed this year. That motley
crew perhaps was worn down a little by Northern Ireland nearly qualifying for
the World Cup, eventually losing a UEFA second round of qualifying
home-and-away with Switzerland, but already Evans has been linked to a move to
West Ham, so likely he’ll still be performing for another middling PL club next
season. Also, a nice side lolol is Evans sent a text message to pull himself
out of West Brom’s last match of the season, which is probably not ideal
captaincy act.
#6: AHMED
HEGAZI – Much love to all Egyptian players as we head into this World Cup
hype season. Hegazi, though suffering at West Brom, and infamous for giving
Danny Ings of Liverpool a wicked punch a month back, was the backbone of the
Pharoahs defense, which first gained notoriety in last year’s African Cup of
Nations, where they went to the finals. Hegazi is essentially the opposite side
of Mo Salah, the anchor on defense who is a punisher (ask Ings) but never
misses time. Hegazi was key in this last run by West Brom too, so I’d imagine
there’s going to be transfer interest galore around him, especially if Egypt
shines in the World Cup spotlight, which is possible given their strange group
of Uruguay, host Russia (who are not that great, but also football is fixed so
perhaps host will move through), and Saudi Arabia (Egypt/Saudi Arabia group
match on June 25 is group stage highlight match, especially if either of them
will stand to advance if they win and Russia loses, which is what I predict,
which also makes me sad I decided to not do my World Cup metaphysics book,
mostly because life has been far too crazy, but also motherfuckers don’t care
about football metaphysics, they just want stupid commentary on the TV and cool
Coke commercials, wait maybe people do care but that’s what we’re fed, and I’ve
failed my comrades in anti-capital football love; oh well fuck y’all).
#7: JAKE
LIVERMORE (up from #16 last time) –
Looks way more like an asshole than most human beings. Has a surname that
suggests asshole nature may be genetically bred into his personality.
(Apologies to any chill Livermores out there who stumble across this – not you,
you’re one of the good ones.)
#8: CHRIS
BRUNT (same as last time) – Classically
dirt ugly Belfast-born Northern Irish boy who operates in multiple slots along
left side for West Brom, and is loved by supporters because he does anything.
Probably not demand enough for him to go elsewhere, so he’s a likely candidate
to survive into more prominent role next season at second tier for the Baggies.
#9: MATT
PHILLIPS (up from #12 last time) –
Middling English attacker who had Scottish grandparents so despite living in
England his whole life and playing in England his whole career, he plays for
the Scottish national team. He wore the celebrated #10 jersey for the Baggies
this year, but did not bring it great honor, scoring 3 goals in 36 appearances,
and one of those was in the League Cup.
#10: JAY
RODRIGUEZ (previously #17 for
Southampton on 01-Aug-2017) – Accused of being a racist asshole on the
pitch to Gaetan Bong (Cameroonian player for Brighton) a while back, but
cleared of these charges by administrative footballing bureaucracy, so he’s now
free to transfer to Burnley or some shit like that. Only 28 but spent long
spells at Burnley in the second tier then with Southampton in PL before his
transfer last summer to West Brom, which turned out how you already know. So
yeah, probably going back to Burnley, going going back back to Burnley Burnley
(going back to Burnley).
#11: KIERAN
GIBBS (previously #20 for Arsenal on
01-Oct-2017) – Former Arsenal defender who moved to West Brom after a few
seasons of not holding down prominent position in the Starting XI for the
Gunners, and despite West Brom’s demotion, is still in his prime so stands a
chance of making the move elsewhere this summer. In fact, he’s the perfect type
that ends up transferring to one of the promoted clubs, so don’t be surprised
by a move to Wolverhampton or Cardiff City. (Also lolol if you’re the type of
asshole who would literally be surprised by a Kieran Gibbs transfer. What a
corny ass pseudo-sportswriting cliché. Who the fuck would be surprised by some
dumb shit like that?)
#12: JAMES
MCCLEAN (down from #9 last time) –
Good ol’ Jimmy McClean is an amazing character, who though Northern Irish born
and raised (Derry City), and even playing for the U21 Northern Ireland teams
coming up, became Celtic-woke, switched the Republic of Ireland national team,
infamously refused to wear poppy patches during the stupid poppy remembrances
English football forces on the rest of the world (lolol colonial remembrance).
McClean’s motivated by growing up in the shadows of The Troubles, and the whole
thing is so amazing because in America we have this vague sanitized version of
“whiteness” that has laundered out all the cultural differences of people who
form whiteness, without realizing the vast spectrum of oppressive abuses that
powerful groups within whiteness have visited upon lesser groups (deemed lesser
by socioeconomics and history’s re-telling, not my own personal opinion).
Anyways, I hope McClean goes to Celtic now that West Brom is relegated, though
where Celtic falls in the realm of English football is hard to gauge because
they’re such a big fish in a small pond. Philosophically, he would fit though,
and certainly he could go somewhere better than West Brom, where his activism
would be better appreciated.
#13: GARETH
MCAULEY (down from #3 last time) –
Aging Northern Irishman defender with well over 200 caps for West Brom the past
eight seasons, but played very sparingly this past one. He’s out of contract
now, so it’s really a question of will he continue on, and will West Brom want
to keep an aging defender or go ahead and gut this thing and start rebuilding?
Also he’s the first of two Gareths on our 25-man list, neither of whom is
Welsh, which to be honest confuses the fuck out of me.
#14:
CLAUDIO YACOB (down from #7 last
time) – Any Yacob is close enough to Yakub it just makes me study my
lessons. Yacob is an Argentine Yakub, which is fairly complicated. Yacob also
bailed out of the season finale against Crystal Palace, along with Jonny Evans,
which means they closed out the campaign on a tantrum-y note. Yacob’s contract
runs out though, and already Football Championship clubs are hoping to snag
Yacob, which means his career has likely been relegated, even if he doesn’t stay
with West Brom.
#15: GARETH
BARRY (previously #7 for Everton on
15-Aug-2017) – The second Gareth on this list, neither of whom are actually
Welsh, which confuses the fuck out of me. I have been married to a Welsh woman
(who has never been to Wales) the past 19 years, but am moving out later this
week. Somehow this relationship doomed me to pulling for Swansea City, which I
guess I will carry with me moving forward. Life is full of poor choices.
#16: GRZEGORZ
KRYCHOWIAK – Ya boy Krychowiak is a Polish defensive midfielder who landed
in Paris Saint Germain two seasons ago, but never really got much playing time
in the land of Neymar (signifier that PSG have more money than sense), thus ya
boy got loaned out all this past season to West Brom, who got relegated, which
you’d think has to hurt ya boy’s morale even more maybe. But to his credit, the
Polish national team is in the World Cup (tough group, with Colombia the faves,
but exciting Senegal and unpredictable Japan part of their foursome in Group H)
so he can try and rehab his ailing ego in Russia. My maternal grandpa was son
of Polish immigrants so I might pretend to give a fuck about them this summer
(the Polish national team, not my ancestors, which is not to imply IDGAF about
my ancestors, but tbh what do I give a fuck about any more?).
#17: DARREN
FLETCHER (down from #2 last time;
also previously #12 for Stoke City on 01-May-2018) – Another guy who went
from West Brom to Stoke City, but featured for so long at the Baggies that he
still hangs around the bottom part of this list. Most well-known for his decade
long time at Manchester United though (over 300 caps) but he’s 34 and making
media plays that he’ll stay in Stoke, which means after 340-plus Premier League
appearances, he’s accepting a declining reality. GO BACK TO SCOTLAND BRO!
#18: NACER
CHADLI (down from #13 last time) –
Belgian striker who also had Moroccan national ties, and actually played a
single match for Morocco, although it was an exhibition not official qualifier
of any sort, so he pulled out and became officially Belgian in footballing
terms. Long fall from Tottenham Hotspur attack option a few seasons back
though, as he barely played for the Baggies, but still plays prominently enough
for the Belgian team heading into the World Cup. Also it was clarified he has
an opt-out relegation clause in his contract, so he’s likely gone from West
Brom so long as someone wants to throw money enough at him.
#19: HAL
ROBSON-KANU (up from #20 last time) –
Soccer aka international football is so much fun because of shit like there
being this dude with this name, and his parents are a Nigerian dude and an
English woman of Welsh descent (meaning ol’ Hal’s grandma was from Wales).
These are the geographic stories that intrigue and divide but ultimately unite
us in football. I imagine US soccer’s going to be much better once we
disintegrate into a fragmented smattering of Balkanized nation-states on the
North American continent. Of course, we’ll no longer have a USMNT anymore
because the “US” part will have lost the “U” but fuck it, that’s no real big
loss with regards to football to be honest.
#20: JAMES
MORRISON (down from #11 last time) –
Sorry I was listening to an Your Ol’ Droog song featuring Danny Brown and the
beat sounded like crazy DJ Muggs era beat that he hooked up for Funkdoobiest so
I got lost there, and the way I got lost was pleasurable enough I don’t feel
like going back to James Morrison.
#21: SAM
FIELD (up from #23 last time) – 20-year-old
midfielder who has played his entire career, both as pro and youth, for West
Brom. Likely will be solid centerpiece to them claiming to be restarting their
shit next season.
#22: JONAS
OLSSON (down from #14 last time) –
After nine years at West Brom, went back to his native Sweden this past summer,
and in fact just this past week helped his new club Djurgardens IF win their
first Swedish Cup since 2005. I have a maternal grandmother who was Swedish or
Norwegian or something, and she looked it, but also she was homeless in like
the 1950s outside of Chicago, so her life story is mad fucked up, and also she
is dead. In her dying days, I went to sit with her, and she was in that
in-and-out space of transitions between worlds, and would keep ripping out her
oxygen tubes, and I’d fix them, and finally as I was fixing it she looked up at
me, opening her eyes for the first time that afternoon, and said to me sternly,
“JUST BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE THE WOLFMAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE HIM!”
As far as we know, those were her last words on this mortal coil.
#23: OLIVER
BURKE – Young (21) ass ugly Scotsboy who SET THE RECORD FOR LARGEST
TRANSFER FEE OF SCOTSMAN EVER this past off season by going to West Brom for 15
mil of whatever that money is y’all fuckers use over there. He signed a
five-year contract, sucked, and now they’re relegated, so lolol. He’s young and
the Baggies might be stuck with him, but he’s young enough they can pretend
it’ll all work out.
#24: BOAZ
MYHILL (down from #19 last time) –
If you are going to be back-up GK on a middling Premier League club (well, not
even middling any more lolol), you really couldn’t be a more perfectly
simulated Football Manager regen IRL than to be a Welshman named Boaz Myhill.
You know what makes it even crazier? Fuckin’ Boaz Myhill was born in
California, USA, which makes him completely un-regenable (so please don’t try
to regen him).
#25: SAIDO
BERAHINO (down from #17 last time;
also previously #22 for Stoke City on 01-May-2018) – Berahino the Burundian
striker was dumped off to Stoke City like 16 months ago, but had been such a
stalwart presence at West Brom that he still hung onto this late position on
their 25-Man Metaphysical roster due to the data inputs it utilizes. Stoke’s
manager Paul Lambert talked trash about Berahino once the Potters relegation was
official, and it’s hard not to chuckle at a promising young striker getting
dumped from the 19th place PL team to the 20th place PL team. I guess his star
is not as bright as it once was, which either means a slow descent down the
English footballing pyramid, or he goes to Turkey, where he re-establishes
himself just enough to come back and fail afresh in England.
