TH3 F3T1SH1Z4T10N 0F...

the fetishization of

guns lacking in actual

orgasmic experience

B4CKW00DS M3T4L S1GNS P3RF3CT...

backwoods metal signs perfect

for making buckshot patterns

while suffering mundane life

TH3 BVLL3TH0L3S 1N B33RC4NS...

the bulletholes in beercans

long gone, but ringing in ears

remains, twenty years later

D1S4PP34R1NG 1NT0 TH3...

disappearing into the

woods in fall complicated

by roving assholes with guns

rusty metal barrel with

twenty-five caliber dents,

filled with rocks for field training

J.J. Krupert Top 13 Countdown - May '11 #8: "El Cuerno De Chivo" by Los Huracanes Del Norte

"El Cuerno de Chivo" means the horn of the goat in a literal sense but is street slang (or road slang, depending on which part you're from) for AK-47, because the banana clip looks like a goat horn. Now I'm no Ph.D. in Cultural Anthropology, but I played enough of Sid Meier's Civilization games to know there should be something more in between having goats and having machine guns, so obviously there's a developmental gap in the upward mobility of certain segments of Mexican society for this to have happened. You should probably go from herding goats around to building cities from shaped stone to some sort of industrial "progress" and get yourself to machine guns. Of course, Mexico has forgotten pyramids, and one of the most advanced ancient cultures on the early human days of the earthball, so that place is all sorts of all over the place when it comes to things like this.
I google image searched "el cuerno de chivo" and the first thing that came up was a gold-plated machine gun. (First off, this may not happen for you, but that's what I got, and I tend to keep my google account logged in, which is probably stupid, as all my results are skewed by their internal data, which sucks. I remember being high on acid one time back in the day, philosophizing with some homeboys also on acid at the same time, about this world of our's, and I rambled about how commercials with their highly targeted demographic data would one day be different on each television, like I'd get different commercials from you because they'd tailor each one to our individual viewing preferences. And I guess they were working towards that, but then the internet came along and made it easier, and now that's accepted normalcy. It goes so far as to have your search results polluted by what they think you might think you want to know about. This makes me think "Fuck!" really strongly inside my soul.) The fact there's a solid gold machine gun got me thinking about that being a funny display of how much you have. Somewhere in this world (most likely Mexico), there is someone who owns a solid gold dildo, which in itself is a funny thing to happen. Because it's not like there's a store where you just go buy a solid gold dildo if you so want. Most likely there's some sort of indiscriminately rich person, maybe a woman or maybe a dude in a very sexually open relationship with a woman, but someone with money and the power of fear was like, "Yo, I want a solid gold dildo because that's how fucking rich I am... I can think of absolutely ridiculous things and make them happen." So then that rich dude told someone who does things for him, basically a personal manager type dude, but for the criminal element most likely, and that guy had to hand off the task to someone else, or ask around about what type of jeweler or gold merchant or sex toy factory manager could make such a thing become reality, and more than likely involved multiple people like this. So now you've got this person, acting on command of his insane criminal bossman, finding a gold dealer and finding someone who fabricates sex toys or at least knows how, to go through the motions of actually building or using a dildo mold, making it work with hot melted gold instead of just poisonous plastics (ladies - I know it feels weird but glass is better, or at least go phthalate-free - your yoni will thank you in the long run), and has an actual solid gold dildo made.
Now you would hope that it would be a gag purchase and the guy would be straight with just the existence of the solid gold dildo. But who knows what else could be involved? The lady who ultimately uses it may not like the first one and demand a different shape. Or perhaps the person ordering it wants it to match his own penis and needs a special cast made of his dick. In fact, I could see someone with ridiculous money wanting a solid gold cast of his own penis made... I know I would were I in that position.
So the solid gold machine gun picture that comes up for "el cuerno de chivo" kinda trips me out, way beyond the initial, "Oh my god Myrtle, can you believe somebody actually made themselves a solid gold machine gun?" because that's what google with its racist ass wants you to think. It trips me out on the whole logistics of how a solid gold (or gold-plated) machine gun came to be. And it trips me out on whatever circumstances of conversation and streams of thought took place before that strange set of logistics was set into motion.
And yes, I do actually ride around in my old ass cameoneta listening to foreigner songs about machine guns, in real life. So there's a lot of strange logistics going into my day-to-day routines as well. It just hasn't resulted in an awesome first result for a wacky google image search yet. But I'm still young.
STEAL "El Cuerno De Chivo"
NEXT: It's fun to make that old "you can take the (item A) out of the (item B), but you can't take the (item B) out the (item A)" saying into a sexual euphemism!

J.J. Krupert Top 13 Countdown – September '10 #12: “In The Pits” by Blue Globe Beats

It has been an interesting week of controlled destruction in my life. I started the week out on the side of a mountain in southwest Virginia, shooting up a bunch of shit with assorted firearms, including shooting an AR-15 for only the second time in my life. I was old enough to appreciate it this time. When you are a young buck just shooting a machine gun into an abandoned schoolbus in the middle of nowhere West Virginia, it’s hard to appreciate it. But once you have kids and mortgages and a bunch of stupid gay shit you have to do responsibly all the goddamned stupid time, you get a greater appreciation for shooting a gun whose bullets go through an inch of solid steel. And I was still a pretty damn good shit, might I say. Also, blowing up 2-liter bottles with a .44 Magnum can never not be fun, unless say you miss on your first five shots of the six.
And then my week wound down with a trip to a research lab where they crash cadavers and I got a tour of the autopsy room and then this other big room where they are going to build a moving roadway where they will drop brand new cars onto the roadway sideways with cadavers or dummies strapped in the car to study rollovers. Apparently, to maintain scientific integrity, you have to keep all the windows in and everything, so it’s going to be a giant fucking mess. I am already on the list to scope that nonsense out.
So that has been my life this week, which is nice. I need shit like that to feed me. The majority of 2010 has been a goddamned drain on my soul. I have gotten stuck in ruts of routines that leave my soul pouting inside my stomach half of every day sometimes. It doesn’t help election day is coming up, which always reminds you how fucking stupid everything is. By the way, do not tell me the importance of voting. I did not grow up like you where that shit matters, where I believe in the adult Santa Claus of the sanctity of casting your vote. Fuck your vote.
Also there is an interesting side of irony to all this since the gun shooters of the beginning of my week don’t trust the government and the car crashing cadaver smashers of the latter half of my week are funded by the government. What a ridiculous mess this place we call America is. Why don’t we all get drunk instead?
STEAL “In The Pits”
NEXT UP: The man affectionately known as Tricephus!

NFL WEEK 4: North Division teams

At this point in the NFL season, early on, with trends starting to develop but still fuzzed out (that's photographical knowledge, but we live in a digital age, so I am obsolete, yet not obtuse), we move onto checking out the North division teams. These two divisions have the reputation for being blue collar smashmouth football, probably due to the industrial heritage of their home cities. Here is them, as they stand, according to my nerd formula bullshit, which really doesn't take good solid shape until after five weeks, and usually is busted by the playoffs, meaning I should tweak the mathematic formula probably, but I am a lazy nerd...

#1: BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-0, 4th overall) - The Ravens seem to be good again this year, with Joe Flacco not being a one-hit wonder, and that defense plugging along as always. This doesn't seem to be like the 13-3 Steve McNair aberrations type years, or even like the Trent Dilfer Super Bowl year. (Man, Trent Dilfer sounds like a dude you could really trust on the ESPNs, doesn't he?) Ozzie Newsome may be the most solid GM in the league, not getting his proper credit because in a league that's just now starting to accept black head coaches, the idea of a black guy in charge of personnel decisions should best be left unpublished, before them uppitty negroes start wanting houses in the nice neighborhoods and college educations for their childrens (multiple mothers, am I right?) that don't involve athletic scholarships. The only real fault I can find with the Ravens right now is mayhaps they are peaking early, but that is a fault most NFL teams would love to experience.

#2: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-0, 6th overall) - Holy fuck, the Ol' Gunslinger showed a ridiculous highlight moment of ol' gunslingerocity last weekend, didn't he? When I think about Adrian Peterson and Brett Favre and the Vikings defense, it makes me want to talk like the old guy in Dazed & Confused who was talking to Randy "Pink" Floyd outside the little league baseball game. "Lookin' good, loooooookin' good." Jared Allen is still a chump ass though; and that's coming from someone who was born 1000% genetic white underclass, so it ain't no white trash hating going on. It's real recognizing fake, because real recognizes real, which is commonly accepted in the streets, and thus, real also recognizes the unreal, which is better described as fake, because it's actually real, but just a pussy assed form of real.

#3: CHICAGO BEARS (2-1, 7th overall) - Jay Cutler has, for two weeks in a row, disproved the pussy assed bitch allegations that would naturally surround a dude who wears a haircut like Jay Cutler does and throws more interceptions than playing Madden against your down's syndrome cousin and not letting him win until his mom peeks in on you and gives you that look. The Bears are appearing to be good, except they're not. Devin Hester is a Cinderella coach waiting to turn back into a pumpkin wearing an alternate orange jersey. And their defense should eventually crumble due to regular wear-and-tear, considering the heavyweights they've lost already this season. But Bears fans are an abundant lot, and also amusing, so enjoy it, and then get miserable again, so I can enjoy it.

#4: CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-1, 14th overall) - I will make a bold contentious statement and say that if Carson Palmer had lived an injury free NFL career, he would be regarded as second only to maybe Peyton Manning or Tom Brady in the NFL, and perhaps on the same level. It seems when he is healthy the past few years, this team overperforms, and when he's hurt, they are the Bengals we have all come to expect. And Chad Ochocinco is still the most obviously closeted dude in the NFL. And the one non-Redskin jersey I want more than any other is that big longhaired Samoan DT dude for the Bengals one. He seems like a straight up bro to me.

#5: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-2, 16th overall) - The Steelers have struggled, and I don't know how long Polamalu is out, but Willie Parker picked up his pace this past weekend, and they're still the Steelers. Even if they stumble throughout this year, worst case scenario, they miss the wild card by a game. Plus, within three years, they'll be back in the Super Bowl. No one can win it every year, and the Steelers seem a little off their violent swagger this year, but it's a long season with time for corrections so long as you don't fall too far down. And 1-2 after three weeks is not too far down, although the loss in Cincinnati was strange and demoralizing.

#6: GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-1, 19th overall) - You know what? I don't give a fuck about the Green Bay Packers. I would like too, but after Brett Favre through that amazing TD pass to win the game last weekend, I realized I didn't love the Packers, I loved their farvy style.

#7: DETROIT LIONS (1-2, 20th overall) - Everything is uphill for the Lions. They don't have to win their first game ever in recent memory of the ADHD Generation anymore. Now, they can cut loose, take Calvin Johnson off the chain, and grab some confidence. Matt Millen is gone. Fords are starting to sell again, little by little. We're almost due for another crappy Kid Rock made for multiple formats of radio payola hit. Perhaps now we can stop wondering how we sposed to keep da peace.

#8: CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-3, 30th overall) - The Browns seem a popular pick to perhaps repeat the 0-16 feat, which I think is naive. You know how much luck in the negative way you have to have to actually not win a single game? Even more depressive to me is Brady Quinn. Dude actually had some national commercial endorsements, as he was a QB golden boy. But he got benched for stupid Derek Anderson. Eric Mangini is only three games into his stint as the Browns coach, and is already potentially to be fired. What a fucking mess. But most important to me is that Joshua Cribbs' gangsta ass get some return yards to help my fantastical dorkball team.