SONG OF THE DAY: I Choose You

Tobe Nwigwe been dropping a video a week for a thousand weeks in a row, straight lineage to Houston style, just like Rap-a-Lot having a thousand tapes in a row, just like DJ Screw doing a thousand mixtapes in a row, the endless productivity of creative lane that nobody can fuck with because everybody else is afraid to even occupy it. Tobe was a D-1 football player (North Texas, just like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Mean Joe Greene), but had that lane roadblocked by injury, and found himself accidentally switching into this lane. First generation Nigerian-American as well, so culturally, though steeped in Houston, has a larger global flavor to what makes him uniquely him. But damn, Houston always seems to pop out these amazing forces in hip hop over the decades, and absolute game-changing things. Is Tobe a game changer? I don't know, because the current modus operandi of music industry is something ferments locally, the lactofermented bacteria blossoms on a larger scale, usually through the internet petri dish circulation, and then gets signed somewhere and has that natural energy pasteurized into something not quite so tingly. So enjoy this Tobe Nwigwe run for as long as it lasts. He's already blessed us.

M3CH4N1C4L D3P4RTM3NTS...

mechanical departments

full of organic humans

with perfect imperfections

NFL WEEK 3: NFC North & West - 1st Quarter

Let us discuss the professional football like we there is nothing better to do this time at night. I spent three hours listening to one of those sales marketing audiotapes, and those things always leave me feeling like I don’t ever want to make money because the type of things you have to do to become successful following those frameworks always seem so fucking annoying. Not stupid, but annoying, to yourself and to others. Yet there’s always something built in to make that your fault, like you don’t have “business DNA” or “self-hustle” or something. Anyways, I am going to write one of those books by Thanksgiving, but I can’t legitimately push my own other wordsy things and fully sell that sales book manifesto bullshit thing without exposing my real face, so if there’s anyone out there who wants to be the face of my sales manifesto, let me know, we can work out a deal. It’s my scheme, you’ll just be the actor. Kind of like all those dudes on Sunday football shows that act like the shit’s not fixed.
Anyways, in our second week of pretending I know about pro football, I am taking a swing through the NFC North and West divisions, team by team, personal prejudice by personal prejudice, and hoping I can do it all before I die…

#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-0, 4th overall) – The Packers are being mightily hyped as the real deal Holyfield this year, and it’s pretty obvious to see why. Their defense is a motherfucker, and the offense is set up enough behind enough O-linemen who aren’t on injured reserve (which killed them last year) to throw up some points. And if they make the playoffs, football in Green Bay in January, yadda yadda yadda. They should put the fucking Super Bowl in Green Bay. It should have nothing to do with fancy stadiums and hotel rooms and just be given on some sabermetrical scale to whatever team has the best overall finish the previous five years, but you can only get it once every 10 years, and they do it three in advance. THIS WEEK: A Monday night black-n-blue division showdown on the road against the team just below.

#2: CHICAGO BEARS (2-0, 6th overall) – On one hand, it’s easy to be like, “Holy fuck, the Bears are back, ain’t they?” Then on the other hand it’s just as easy to go, “Shit, they in all seriousness actually lost to the Lions already, so fuck them.” I will go with the latter. Of all the emotional I.E.D.s cooking up in locker rooms around the NFL, I think the Jay Cutler/Mike Martz deal in Chicago has the best bet of creating seriously comedic news stories. I mean, far stupider things will happen with T.O. and Chad Ochocinco in Cincinnati, but Cutler/Martz is a pair of self-important white dudes who could explode all over each other after a couple of three or four interception games. Poor Lovie Smith. THIS WEEK: I already told you, they’re hosting the Packers.

#3: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-1, 20th overall) – Pete Carroll’s triumphant return to the NFL was short-lived, as they got beat by old AFC West rival the stupid fucking Broncos. My buddy Loftin is a Seahawks fan, so I will now say the only good thing I can think of about the Seahawks – they are lucky the Texans joined the NFL because now Seattle only has the second ugliest uniforms. THIS WEEK: At home, hosting another former AFC West rival in the San Diego Chargers.

#4: ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-1, 21st overall) – I have the Cardinals defense on one of my two fantasy football teams, and was smart enough to not play them last week against Atlanta. I did not realize I would be that smart. Sad thing is they don’t even really have a quality QB anymore. I would’ve at least just run Matt Leinart out there for the year just to see if he could sink or swim in game conditions. I mean, hell, he’s been sitting around doing sudoku on the sidelines for three years, you might as well. Now they are as fucked as the Cardinals usually are. THIS WEEK: At home, hosting the Oakland Raiders, in a game that I hope I am not forced by local TV to watch.

#5: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (0-2, 23rd overall) – Oh man, the wheels came off the Vikings bandwagon pretty quick this year. The Ol’ Gunslinger is having the media turn on him, and it’s only a matter of a few more weeks – if they keep losing – before the locker room follows suit. Couldn’t have happened to a better guy. You know who else I don’t like? Jared Allen, that’s who. You know another problem I have with the Vikings? How does Adrian Peterson get his jersey numbers all covered in paint or dirt or something like five plays into the game every week? Seriously, that dude has the nastiest numbers in football, but his jersey is still clean, and the numbers aren’t muddy, they’re like covered in paint and shit, like he rubbed against a freshly rolled wall or something. THIS WEEK: They will try again at home, hosting the Detroit Lions. The NFL should make every division play two games at the same time. I think they’re doing that to end the season this year, but it would be tight if that was just standard procedure, so you knew when the Vikings and Lions were playing, that automatically in your brain without you having to verify it knew the Packers and Bears would be playing as well.

#6: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-2, 26th overall) – Seriously, how bad is the NFC West if the still-expected winner of the division stumbles out the gates 0-2, and is still the favorite? I can imagine, for as awesome as Mike Singletary is, coach Samurai Eyeballs of Hatred’s schtick wearing thin pretty quick if you had to deal with it all the time. It’s like if your dad is like, “Quit that or I’m gonna beat the fuck out of you!” but he never actually beats the fuck out of you, because no matter how bad Mike Singletary is, he can’t literally beat up his players, or he would get fired or sued or both. If you never actually get beat, you eventually learn to think fuck the old man and do whatever you feel like doing, just without him seeing you. THIS WEEK: They give it a third try at winning a game, on the road against the Kansas City Chiefs, for the coveted Joe Montana Legbone trophy.

#7: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-2, 30th overall) – Looks to be shaping up like another rough year for the Rambos, and yet another high draft pick next year. They host my beloved and emotionally painful to watch Washington Redskins this week, which should be an easy win for the Skins, but probably means the Rams will win, thus fucking up their draft pick for next year. That’s kinda what my Redskins do – they play the roll of spoiler, except they don’t spoil playoff runs, they spoil how high your draft pick ends up being. THIS WEEK: Just told you, didn’t I?

#8: DETROIT LIONS (0-2, 32nd overall) – I have a constantly fluctuating collection of five or six teams that are my second-tier favorite teams underneath the Redskins – teams that I will gladly root for but am not do-or-die-beat-my-children-when-they-lose attached to. The Lions have pretty much throughout my entire life been one of these teams. It is no different nowadays because Calvin Johnson is one of my favorite players. I feel really sad for lifelong Lions fans. It’s like being born with a giant flaccid dick that can never get hard. THIS WEEK: Ndonkakong Suh breaks Brett Favre into pieces in the Metrodome, and cannibal Al Qaeda Somalian kids (there’s lots of African refugees in Minnesota for some reason) feast on his raw flesh. Yet still the Vikings win.

NFL WEEK 15: Playing Out The Season

These are the teams who are not quite the shittiest level but won't be making no playoff games either. And as I reflect upon my penchant for reflecting upon bullshit inside the internets, I realize I have not played to my strengths often enough lately. Fuck trying to impress people with whatever the average retarded mindset of today is impressed by. I am a country ass boy, rough around the edges and sharp in the middle. I may not be well-groomed or bred for international success, but the fact I can stand knee deep in wet red clay digging at broken pipes and have a redneck dude named Rudy show up to help finalize the bullshit before the snow sets in and we laugh and laugh about getting drunk in the snowstorm. That's my strong suit, public relations with all classes of real humans. The robot world I sometimes can't swim through too easily, what with all the clusters of confusion and chatterboxes of sensory distractions. But nonetheless, here's more of that.

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (6-7, 16th overall) - The Falcons seemed like they were on a high trajectory, built upon Matty Ryan and Michael Turners, but now both those dudes are broken, and the team is below .500 and struggling to maintain hope for the rest of the year. The great thing is they busted out those retro red helmets this year though. Fuck that all black bullshit. That got played out when every ghetto assed dude on earth was wearing Raiders gear post-NWA and then the White Sox changed their whole style to cash in on that trend. Plus, red, black and white is the triple colors of Hindu and Taoist balance, and have a tight style of mesh together anyways. I'm surprised more teams don't rock that simple yet stylistic uniform pizazz instead of all this goofy dark blue, pro America with a darkened edge bullshit that replaced the teal and aqua trend of the '90s.

#2: HOUSTON TEXANS (6-7, 17th overall) - Speaking of shit-tastic uniforms, there is none worse than the Houston Texans. How could a city with such a rich tradition of fucked upness, weird rich oil tycoons wealthy far beyond their intelligence, DJ Screwed music, the janitor dude who sells cumbias rebajadas mixtapes south of the border, the Oilers and Earl Campbell, how could all that lead up to this Texans team with those uniforms? They will be forever doomed until they make a rebranding change, because even if they rock the alternate red jerseys, it's still stupid looking.

#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (6-7, 18th overall) - When I made a list of the 8 teams I would put in this class, saving only 8 teams for the possibly making the playoffs list next week, the 49ers were the last team I moved to this failure category, because even with an unfavorable game at the Eagles this week, I could see them back dooring their way into the playoffs as the Cowboys and Giants slide. Which is understandable, because everyone lives in fear of Mike Singletary. Alex Smith is benched, comes off the bench, and is very serviceable as a QB suddenly for the first time in his career. Vernon Davis gets chased off during a game, and now catches more TDs than anybody. Michael Crabtree doesn't even play most of the year as a rookie, but comes in and gets it together quickly. It's like Mean Mike is running a scared straight program for pro athletes. I imagine he'll end up being considered the greatest black head coach ever, at least for a few years.

#4: CAROLINA PANTHERS (5-8, 19th overall) - Oh Panthers, forever kinda good but not quite good enough. It's not just Jake Delhomme's fault; it's like the stamp of the franchise. Yet they've maintained a power running smashmouth game style for a while now under John Fox. Has he finally lost enough games to justify getting fired so they can bring in Bill Cowher to create a bonafide Steelers south yet? Hard to say. They could easily rally and earn Fox another year. That dude is more of an unkillable cockroach head coach than Norv Turner.

#5: CHICAGO BEARS (5-8, 20th overall) - Oh man, Jay Cutler. That whole thing, being I hate the Bears, is so funny to me. And the internet is crawling with stupid Bears fans latchkey children from the '80s who wanted their dad to be a combination of Jim McMahon and Sylvester Stallone. Well, make room at the back of your closet for your knock-off #6 jerseys bros.

#6: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-7, 22nd overall) - There is nothing I can say I don't like about the Steelers - nice history, players that are not annoying, chill uniforms, head coach who seems like he's not averse to smoking a blunt while listening to Pete Rock & CL Smooth's Mecca & The Soul Brother on CD not from iTunes. Yet at the same time, being a lifelong underdog who is sposed to never amount to nothing and used to have people calling the cops on me when I was just in front of my building trying to make money for my baby daughter, I can't completely get behind a proven winner, so when something like the Steelers struggling this year, I can't help but smile inside my blackened heart a happy smile, content with other people's struggles, being they look all better than me and have a nicer house and be driving a new car that don't need new shit all over it any day now. Fuck successful people. And when they are beautiful plus successful, like Ben Roethlisberger or Troy Polamalu, they can't tear enough MCLs and ACLs and PCLs to make me feel better about my own life.

#7: NEW YORK JETS (7-6, 23rd overall) - As if I didn't have enough reason to hate the Jets, I blew the fuse in my truck radio the other week, but rode around for like a week before my boy D told me to check the fuse, which I did, dismantling my truck's guts to get there, and switched out a 15 amp fuse and had radio again. Of course, absence makes the heart grow delirious with idealized memories, so I thought it a good idea to listen to AM sports radio a lot this week, which invariably leads to the Mike & Mike show since the other AM sports show has Dan Patrick and he kinda creeps me out in a child molesty kind of way. But Mike and Mike are annoying as fuck, and even two minutes of Mike Greenberg's schtick will make you want to murder anybody from New Jersey with a knife dipped in AIDS tainted blood already. So now I hate the Jets even more. I hope they never do anything except be the stupid Jets forever.

#8: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (5-8, 24th overall) - If the Seahawks and my interest level were geographic locations, we'd be on opposite corners of the world map and the earth would be flat and you couldn't crawl across on the underneath edge like those spiked turtle shells in Super Mario Wii. That means I know nothing, care nothing, and have nothing to say about the Seahawks, except for what I just wrote as a means of filling up this space with something that at least takes you time to read.