#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (9-0, #2 overall) - Seeing how smoothly Tom Brady operates under the most vile of working conditions, and how he is in fashion mag cologne ads and was privvy to the tuck ruling back in the snowy days of yesteryears, I have begun to wonder how much covert science activities the CIA has going on at the University of Michigan. His blank gaze is like the robotic Germans that Sgt. Rock (or Sgt. Fury) would kill like a motherfucker back in the days when comic books weren't shrink-wrapped for posterity in basements after a one-time reading with tweezer fingers, yet Brady is attractive enough to knock up mad super-models. With all the war shit being kinda overlooked by the public at large, but that Presidential bullshit cranking up for next year with lots of people acting like they gonna be Democrat until they have to actually pick a black dude or a white bitch over the more acceptable white dude (I googled it, and white dudes have won all but one Presidential election, and Abe Lincoln's wispy hair and dark skin has been challenged in some corners of the internet as falsehoods), it seems to me that the Patriots seemed destined to win in some sort of blazing glory of Republican awesomeness. Like, Brady already sat with Laura Bush at one State of the Union lecture, so I can see like him and Belichick coming out endorsing Mitt Romney or some shit, and that being what puts him over the top with Mr. Everyday Joe Lunchbox. Obviously, in this equation, the Colts and Dungy and Manning are the Democrats (Dungy - light-skinned and palatable to white America equals Barack Obama, and Manning - much-ballyhooed second fiddle prominent in Tennessee equals Al Gore), and I would guess the Cowboys are like Ross Perot, if we were lucky enough to have a Ross Perot every election. And remember, when you root for the Cowboys (or any team for that matter), it's just like hoping the Patriots beat the Colts come playoffs time.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (8-1, #3 overall) - I don't know if I said this last time or not, but lately the running joke inside my brain is how Wade Phillips is Ralph Wiggum all grown up. So as much as I hate the Cowboys, it's hard not to laugh seeing ol' Wade standing over there, picking his nose, or jumping up and down emphatically after a touchdown, saying, "We made touchdowns on the grass boards!" Also, I am figuring this year is like that good year T.O. had in Philly, where he was standing around in a cast at the end and shit, so I will take this good run from the Cowboys, knowing that with Jerry Jones being their owner, a useless stand-in as coach, and T.O. on the team, the mix is about as perfect as it could be for them to suffer paralyzing suckiness for the next five years. And let's face it, Tony Romo is Kurt Warner 2.0 if there ever was one, except Romo doesn't have a ring to buy him an extra five years of stealing paychecks from stupid NFL owners in the lesser homes like Arizona or Oakland or Minnesota.
#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-3, #7 overall) - The Giants can't make up their mind. Do they want to suck and get Tom Coughlin fired, or will they tough it out and be a scrappy NY Giants wild card team to lump in with all those other scrappy wild card teams that didn't do shit in the end? I know their secondary is worse off than when you lose like four dudes in Madden, so I would assume eventually everybody would realize you can just stack the line to block that menacing tribal warlord sounding defensive line, and then just wait to find somebody open twenty yards downfield. There's some dude who was named Will Peterson who used to play secondary for the Giants who plays somewhere else now, and dude actually changed his last name to William Joseph to escape his past there. Not to something Islamic or hippie or anything, but straight up just turned into William Joseph to put that shit behind him.
#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-5, #10 overall) - It seems almost ridiculous to me that with as many teams are struggling to find even a halfway decent piece of shit quarterback to hold down their starting spot, that the rumblings are about Donovan McNabb being pretty much done in Philly. But I guess with Coach Andy's drug emporium and McNabb being not good enough to win a Super Bowl, the Eagles are ready to go back to rebuilding with their aging secondary and offensive triple threat of Bryant Westbrook rushing, Bryant Westbrook catching a pass out the backfield, and Bryant Westbrook recovering a fumble. McNabb being on the open market would create salivating madness with QB-less otherwise-competent teams like the Ravens, Bears, and Panthers as well.
#5: BUFFALO BILLS (5-4, #14 overall) - The Bills have distanced themselves from the rest of the pack of suck that the non-Patriots AFC East is, and the sports columnist meme is THEY ARE ONLY TWO FIELD GOALS AWAY FROM BEING 7-2! But they play the Patriots this week so we will see whether or not they are actually worth a shit and on-the-rise or just cherry-picking the weak competition the NFL seems pretty fucking content to deliver on a massive basis nowadays.
#6: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (5-4, #15 overall) - Again, I am a Redskins fan my whole lief, and it makes me uncomfortable to say what I am about to say, but Joe Gibbs is a big part of the problem with the Redskins right now. I think he's done well at putting together a kooky menagerie of throwback mentalities, although he's traded a ton of draft picks away for shitty people (Brandon Lloyd, the fact your season is over after your 2 catches for 14 yards is sad... what's that like, $100,000 per reception yard?), but the real problem seems to be an inability to motivate fucking players to play past halftime. I mean, that Jason Campbell kid looks good in the way a young QB can give a long-suffering fan hope that he won't drink his liver into cirrhosis before his team makes it to a Super Bowl again, but these guys just seem to be flat as fuck late in games and blow it in retarded lackluster ways. I have a three-fold hope for the Redskins future: #1 - Gibbs gets some cushy President of the team gig or some shit, so he can be a Hall of Famer and hand out Christian pamphlets and do funny interviews with Sonny Jurgensen and keep the team aware of their successful past; #2 - Bill Cowher is brought in to whip these unmotivated fucks into shape, and hopefully we don't lose our d-coordinator in the process because he's pretty damned good as well, in fact if Cowher is keeping himself on the down-low for another year, I have no problem with Gregg Williams as head coach, and #3 - Dan Snyder's private jet disappears over the Atlantic, never to be recovered, with Joe Gibbs as acting owner in his place until they can resolve all that shit legally since no body was ever recovered and presumed to be ated by sharks or whales or porpoises or them glow-in-the-dark jellyfish that look like tangled nightmares.
#7: NEW YORK JETS (1-8, #30 overall) - Last year, Eric Mangini was a coaching genius. Not so much now. The thing is no football coach is a genius ever, not even Belichick in all his overhyped sweatshirted glory. There's this guy named James Castle who was from Idaho and he was retarded and couldn't speak well, but he wanted to do art, so he used scrap paper and his own spit and soot from a fireplace to make charcoal-ish drawings of some wacky awesomeness, for a long ass time until his family found all his shit and just started passing him around and giving him scrap paper to draw on. That dude's more of a genius, even though retarded, than any football coach ever.
#8: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-9, #32 overall) - The Dolphins starting quarterback is a dude I've never even heard of, and I buy those preseason NFL yearbook shits every year. This is worse even than when they started a Jewish dude from an Ivy League school a couple years back (as opposed to like 1932 when that might've made sense since the Jew was the pre-eminent athlete back then). On the plus side, Ricky Williams got re-instated, but stupid Cam Cameron is acting like he might not bring holmes back. How can you not bring Ricky Williams back for the rest of the season? Who else would fans pay to come see at this point? And last I saw him, he looked like a loveable poetry writing homeless black Vietnam vet. Every football team needs a dude like that, they are a rock solid type that gives our individual community fabrics a nice thick weather-resistant comfort. I would say the only way the Dolphins won't lose every game for the rest of the year is for them to have Ricky Williams firing up the youngsters. Also Ricky Williams back in Miami with a lifetime suspension hanging over his head for another piss test failure is a great reality show just sitting there waiting to be made.
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