Sometimes I get bummed the Expert Whiteboy Analysis thing died down, but as we tried to add people to pick up the slack, we only ended up adding far more slack. And it's hard to get four whiteboys (well, one is only half-white, but it's the half with his opinions) to keep agreeing enough to do something like that. I'm also glad I don't have to listen to so much shitty music, although I try my best to keep listening to as much shitty ass music as possible, through the use of local mix shows and the stupid Sirius satellite radio.
The hip hop whiteboy is nothing now. It used to be that was a remarkable feat to be a down ass whiteboy (don't get a twisted face and think I rocked that style, in full on Vanilla Ice mode, as I've always just been whatever the fuck I felt like being, so that I could get along with as many people as possible, to increase my chances of free weed). I was coming out the Food Lion yesterday, and a weird cross section of wigger culture hit my vision all at once while I put the groceries into the back of my wife's Subaru. First off, across from me was this guy, probably my age, with a big ole fat potbelly, and a normal white man's haircut with bangs, getting into his work truck which had been running the whole time (most likely because he wouldn't be able to start it again easily), yet you could tell he used to be some sort of hip hop whiteboy, even if he looked like every doughboy racist within fifty miles of here, because he had cursive neck tattoos and shit. Usually prominent tattoos like that mean either hip hop or metalhead, but no metalhead has ever gotten cursive letters tattooed on his neck, because no metal band has ever had a cursive letter logo. Metalheads might get their mom's name on their neck, but it's going to be in Slayer font or look like dripping blood or some shit, no matter how sweet the sentiment is. Only a wigger dude would have cursive shit on his neck.
But that was just the first guy. Also standing nearby was a teenage wigger kid who I had seen walking with his mom inside, short hair (to trick you into thinking he's Puerto Rican or at least a yellowbone motherfucker) looking hard with his baseball hat matching the color of his basketball shorts, shorts oversized and hat cocked slightly off-kilter, and he was drinking a Mountain Dew as if it were a blunt, oozing cool. It was and always is to see some teenage boy doing that shit.
And third of all out comes one of the manager types at the Food Lion (you can tell because he doesn't have to wear the same standard shirt the rest of them do) to collect up shopping carts, and he's got the close-cropped crewcut and attended to styled beard of a wigger dude, but he's also at that age showing he's about five years removed from his wigger heyday of high school, where he was the star whiteboy on the basketball team (and thus about the seventh best guy on the basketball team), but he settled down with his boo and got a job at the Food Lion and now he's a manager and he's taken business classes at the community college and in a few years he's going to really love the latest Jay-Z/Nas download even though it will suck a fat dick.
So it's everywhere. Expert whiteboys every fucking where. Including all over the internets, so I thought I'd throw my bullshit unnecessary remarkings on seven recent (somewhat) songs that I would've expounded upon, breaking down to organic compounds, inside the monthly EWA were we still rocking that style...
#1: "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne - I was painting at the main intersection of my stupid little town last week, and I heard the annoying tweaky sounds of this song come by at least once an hour, so I know that beyond the realms of my music interaction, this is some sort of mega-hit. That bothers me so immensely, mostly because I've seen already too much "Lil Wayne = retarded genius" explications after Da Drought 3 mixtape leak. And although there were a couple of things I enjoyed off that particular joint, the fact he released a new mixtape every 23 hours last year did not trick me into thinking he was brilliant. Some fuckface with a rotating crew of ghostwriters and an endless access to studio space does not equal proficient brilliance. And as everybody asked Wayne to do the guest spot on their remix in recent months, that became fairly obvious. There were a couple of songs ("100 Billion" I think was one, and maybe the remix to "Dey Know") where he was downright terrible. I mean, not even close to good, but repeated the same two vowel sounds at the end of every line, often times just rhyming the same two words with each other, yet with far less idiot savant style than Mike Jones, and you could see through his greatest rapper alive gimmick, easily. One of those songs, he did the T-Pain vocoder deal, like everybody seems to be required to do for some reason, all of them sounding even stupider than T-Pain, so I guess that gave him the idea to do a whole song that way, which is this song. Which is terrible. Third graders with access to nothing but the UPN network could come up with better metaphors. But the electronic voice is catchy, and everybody seems fixated on oral sex nowadays, so I guess a hit is born.
It's sad because Lil Wayne will never make a good CD's worth of stuff, especially if his recent contributions are any sign of the direction he's heading. Whereas most people have that commercial peak, even if it's just one release, where people will reminisce and be like, "Man, I remember that Lil Wayne shit was big back when I was fucking those two chicks that lived in the same apartment building and I would have to go up the back steps and then walk around the block to the front door to hit up the other chick. Texting one bitch 'in your hood, can I stop by?' after fucking the other one, with that Lil Wayne joint on all the time when we sat on the porch drinking tall cans." Instead it will be people cleaning out their ipods of old useless shit and maybe keeping like two songs off the stolen mixtape or finding it on a hard drive of music they forgot they had. You were behind your time Lil Wayne.
#2: "That's Gangsta" by Bun B featuring Sean Kingston - For some reason, probably from one picture I saw one time, I think of Sean Kingston as that black guy from Saturday Night Live, who I in turn think of as a kid on Nickelodeon. So whenever I hear the hook from this, I chuckle to myself at a Nickelodeon kid acting so gangsta when his little ass was coming on right after they were doing the noodle dance on PB&J Otter. But that doesn't take away the fact that this is probably my most favoritest song that's been on the radios thus far this year. It's a catchy as fuck song, and Bun B has always been the cream of Texas MCs. I think Pimp C as the occasional palate cleanser was a good combo, but that equal parts of MCing shit they did once he got out of jail wasn't right. Really, U.G.K. ultimately was best as a Public Enemy style partnership where Bun had most of the lyrics and Pimp C broke up things within songs or maybe had a few songs of his own. But they shouldn't have been splitting duties half-and-half, or you end up with shit like Pimp C talking about his dick's myspace page.
I am intrigued to see what Bun B does next, because he has no more Pimp C, no more Free Pimp C (with the purchase of a Pimp C of equal value), so it's all on him. But between this track and the original non-remixed version of "Draped Out", he's got two solo classics already to go with the official U.G.K. classics. Hopefully he's not still signed to Rap-a-Lot, because they tend to put rather underwhelmingly awesome albums, albeit awesome. Rap-a-Lot never seems to get that all-time classic out, because even on something like the Geto Boys' We Can't Be Stopped, you'll have some nonsense like Willie D giving out awards to the Grateful Dead and Elvis Presley.
#3: "Royal Flush" by Outkast and Raekwon - I guess this is supposed to be a reunion of sorts from that one single off of Aquemini, but man holy fuck does Raekwon always sound so fucking bored lately. Did he quit doing cocaine? He should start again. It's like stories of multi-ethnic criminology but delivered with the excitement of the taped message telling you movie times at the cineplex. I am most intrigued by whatever it will be that Outkast will come up with next time they put out an actual CD. Andre 3000 has been on some strange lyrical kicks this past year, probably one of the best MCs going, as much as it pains the hipster contrarian in me to say that, and this is not his best verse, but it's still about twelve years ahead of what everybody else is doing. And Big Boi seems to be trying to keep pace with the experimental styles. I don't think his concerned crackhead style of this song is the best he's come up with in the past year, but it's good to see the both of them attempting to push the envelope. Now hopefully they deliver with a retarded crazy album and not just 27 guest spots on an album produced by Jazze Pha, Dangermouse, and Polow da Don, with a beat kicked in by Pete Rock and one by DJ Premier, plus like three token ones from Dungeon Family.
#4: "My World is Empty Without You" by Prodigy - Man, I really dug "Mac 10 Handle" from last year too, as it was a throwback track. This is even more of a throwback track, back to when motherfuckers would talk metaphysical shit about the Original Black Man building pyramids on Mars while drinking 40s and smoking blunts. What the fuck happened? Everybody's dreaming of diamonds and champagne and shit, wearing bedazzled hoodies with super swollen Ben Franklin faces, when we all could just be standing around on the porch drinking a cheap ass 40 or three, smoking a couple of communal fat blunts, and we'd still have money to make rent by the middle of the month. I hope Prodigy's whole new solo tape is all like this, but I also understand rap music is fucked so it won't be at all. He'll probably have a song right after this one on the official tape where he's selling kilos of cocaine off of private jets with 50 Cent mumbling the hook.
#5: "Superstar (remix)" by Lupe Fiasco featuring Young Jeezy and T.I. - First off, I do not get into Lupe Fiasco, and this was a source of soreness amongst the EWA Clubhouse at one point, I guess because I couldn't recognize Lupe's brilliant creativity because he was a skater kid or some shit. And for the most part, I still can't stand him, including the original version of this song, which is the soundtrack to a recurring Eurotrash men with hair like Dirk Nowitzki and Adam Morrison trying to rape me with the help of GHB in a dance club bathroom nightmare I've been having. The bathroom has one of those long urinals with the sprinkler pipe above it where everyone just pisses in this big tub together. (In the dream, Charles Barkley always ends up saving me, except for once when it was Rafer Alston.) And whatever song it is I heard recently ("Tokyo, Paris"?) where Lupe says "pass-purt" to make it rhyme his previous line really pisses me off. Like he's ever said "passpurt" in his life. That's some weak shit.
But his fifteen minutes of fame metaphorical basis for his verse here was enough for me to forget the rape nightmare guy's chorus, and to ignore Young Jeezy half-heartedly ad-libbing through another $10,000 check. I get caught up in T.I.'s verse, because he does some crazy shit linguistically, but it's a lot like how Busta Rhymes is awesome in that it's very rhythmic gibberish and might not actually be saying a fucking thing at all, although occasionally you hear something you recognize as complete thoughts to make you think maybe all of it is complete thoughts. But it's probably not. I doubt T.I. ever would've mentioned Cirque du Soleil before he was at home on house arrest watching a lot of TV though.
#6: "Louie Bags" by Blood Raw featuring Young Jeezy - I know, I see the progression from "Duffle Bag Boy" to Jay-Z having shoeboxes with money, to this theme, where you stuff expensive handbags with money. But what the fuck? Why are rappers bragging about shopping for designer brands and wearing certain cuts of diamonds? When did it turn cool to be an old rich Jewish bitch? I mean I guess basically old school big dooky gold chains with Gucci sunglasses was like an old rich Jewish bitch too, so perhaps rap music is an elaborate joke amongst Zionist elders to see what kind of ridiculous shit they can get urban black culture to cherish beyond life. I guess that would make it slightly funny, but not too much since I'm the outside of that inside joke. It is funny how dudes are coming up with elaborately more elegant ways to store their excess money. Me, I usually opt for certificates of deposit.
Also, Blood Raw is the stupidest fucking rap name in forever.
#7: "$20K Money-Making Brothers on the Corner" by the Re-Up Gang - Basically, I needed one more song and they play this every hour on Shade 45 and I'm still not completely sick of it. I like to highlight The Clipse because other than them, most rap notoriety Virginia has gotten has been for things of questionable sexuality (Timbaland, Missy Elliott, the Neptunes). I meant to get this mixtape off the internets, but I forgot a whole lot of times to do so. And now I mostly don't dl shit, even if my former physical mixtape connection shop got busted for selling crack like a block from police headquarters in Charlottesville. Usually, any shop that has a good mixtape selection is going to get busted for drug sales, unless it's a ghetto beauty shop too. I guess those godawful wigs must pull in plenty of loot to keep a business legit.
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