RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Saturday, April 5

S14: NCAA Tournament's Top Returning Scorers - Final Four

I am completely unenthralled by this stupid Final Four. I know it being all the #1 seeds is supposed to be basketball magnificence, but it's fucking boring from where I sit. I am an underdog-rooter, a guy who likes fuck-ups, outcasts, and misfits; not the fucking preseason top four teams. And really, it bothers me I'm actually rooting for UNC. I hate UNC, but for some reason ever since Roy Williams took over, I don't mind them so much. I hate Kansas because, as I've said, it's Duke West. I hate UCLA because it's stupid UCLA aka The Yankees of College Basketball. Rooting for a team who's won one of every three national titles (or whatever it is) is stupid. And I guess I'd like Memphis, being it's basically a 2008 version of those old UNLV teams, full of tatted up academic question marks who can ball motherfucker, straight ball. Except John Calipari is a fucking dickface, lacking even a tenth of a percent of the charm and wacky awesomeness of Jerry Tarkanian. But nonetheless, I only have two more of these stupid top 14 scorers going into a day of the NCAA tournament, so here's the next-to-last one...
#1: Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina forward, 203 previous NCAA Tournament points) - Apparently, according to the hotball pundits, Hansbrough is the hardest of hard-workers with the b-balls, meaning he will be like Danny Ferry in the pro hotballs. I will enjoy that.
#2: Chris Douglas-Roberts (Memphis guard, 176 previous points) - It was hearing CD-R talk to Jim Nantz after winning their region that made me think of the UNVL parallel, because it was like Larry Johnson talking again, through a mouth full of cotton, bringing to question the academic integrity of the university he represented. Of course, college basketball is about making millions of dollars, not integrity. But I've already been to college, so why the fuck would I care about Memphis's integrity. I wish we'd just go ahead and have like a national Rucker Park league where drug lords from different cities put together their own team full of hand-selected ringers. Then those cities with the drastic murder rates would have something positive to yin up against that criminal ass yang it gets known for.
#3: Darren Collison (UCLA guard, 141 previous points) - I don't really even have a solitary ounce of joy for UCLA, even with their defensive reputation. Just a bunch of weird looking black dudes and Solomon Grundy to me.
#4: Brandon Rush (Kansas guard, 125 previous points)
#5: Mario Chalmers (Kansas guard, 121 previous points) - Isn't he one of Avon Barksdale's rivals? I can't wait for The Wire's stupid last season to come out on DVD in two years for me to watch it. It's really funny to me seeing like happy black lady movie trailers or family flicks with Stringer Bell up in them motherfuckers.
#6: Luc Richard Mbah a Moute (UCLA guard/forward, 112 previous points) - I hope he makes millions in the NBAs, and then goes back to wherever his name is originally from and becomes a murderous dictator. I know he may have spent his whole life in America, what with globalization and open borders and land of opportunity and all that, but that name is not very fucking American. So I hope he goes all Charles Taylor on his homeland.
#7: Antonio Anderson (Memphis guard, 108 previous points)
#8: Ty Lawson (North Carolina guard, 104 previous points)
#9: Josh Shipp (UCLA guard/forward, 98 previous points)
#10: Wayne Ellington (North Carolina guard, 96 previous points) - For a second there, I broke through the process of convincing myself UNC was worth pulling for to get pissed again that they always seem to have like 3 of the best 5 gamebreaking guards in the ACC on their roster.
#11: Russell Robinson (Kansas guard, 96 previous points)
#12: Kevin Love (UCLA center, 87 previous points) - The large whiteboy zombie freshman of super destruction. Being he is white and halfway competent, he will be an NBA star for two decades. I don't know, I know that like 80% of the NBA is black, but it always seems to me that a white guy of lesser ability can have a long ass career there. John Crotty for example. Or Vinny Del Negro. Or shit, anybody from the Mid American Conference.
#13: Joey Dorsey (Memphis forward, 85 previous points) - They had an article in the paper this week about Dorsey's thuggish ruggish west Baltimore roots... apparently he grew up on The Wire and his neighbor was Bubbles who got him to start playing basketball. So Joey Dorsey is crazy lucky he escaped his destiny of doom. Of course, he did it through bouncing a ball through a metal hoop.
#14: Derrick Rose (Memphis guard, 82 previous points) - The Final Four's other fabulous freshman. The whole one-and-done thing now that the NBA has their stupid rule is even more annoying than when dudes went straight from high school. I think an actual minor league basketball system like baseball's would actually be fairly successful, because there's tons of shitty minor league basketball teams, and they pick from the dregs of former college alums that don't get cherry-picked for higher dollar leagues abroad. Then again, if someone just went ahead and started my rival drug lord basketball league, it'd make college hotball, the NBA, and And1 obsolete. Of course, we're not supposed to glorify people like that, unless they can get Denzel to star in the glorification and make rich Jews even richer.

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