Virginia Tech is more the torchbearer for college football in my home state than UVA in the past decade or two. Frank Beamer’s creepy old ass has taken them from a nowhere school at the fringes of major college athletics and created a football program that consistently contends in the ACC, flirting with BCS bowl payoffs pretty much every year. Even though I was raised a UVA fan by my ignorant ass dad, I always rooted for in-state schools and was never into that whole bullshit UVA vs. Tech mentality where you rooted against your archrival even when they were playing a bunch of homos from California or some shit. But gradually I have come to root for Tech even more, partly because I live near UVA where I see what fucking rich fuckfaces half the students are there. But also because I have some good friends down the Tech way, or maybe just because they’re actually good so I can bandwagon upon that shit and have some state pride, which I hardly ever have, because anything we have good, North Carolina (or West Virginia in the more lawless affairs) has better. Anyways, here’s the top picks by how high in the draft they were taken from Virginia Tech in the past 12 years, which I went ahead and did since I accidentally did it that way for UVA…
#1: Michael Vick (quarterback, 1st overall pick by the Atlanta Falcons in 2001) - We all know how this one ended. I still support Michael Vick to this day. I would rather my children fight dogs than fight drug addiction and a godless society. I look forward to Ookie Mexico’s triumphant return to the NFL, when he will take the Washington Redskins to multiple Super Bowls, and reclaim the title of Chocolate City for Washington, D.C., taking it back from that bourgoisie ass Atlanta.
#2: DeAngelo Hall (cornerback, 8th overall pick by the Atlanta Falcons in 2004) - Hall was run from Atlanta for being too black and too strong, and also too ignorant and too retarded. I am sure he will find a nice home somewhere else, using his natural athleticism to not suffer the same foreclosure woes many of the rest of us are suffering due to the predatory nature of the banking/credit industry. He should thank his lucky stars for that, except if you believe heavily in science over god there is no use in thanking lucky stars, so instead he should study genetics really intensely once a week.
#3: Jim Druckenmiller (quarterback, 26th pick overall by the San Francisco 49ers in 1997) - It was almost impossible for me to not type “Drunkenmiller” it has become such a part of my vernacular. This guy was hyped up as the apparent heir to the Joe Montana/Steve Young lineage. He ended up date raping some chick. Congrats brah.
#4: Kevin Jones (running back, 30 overall pick by the Detroit Lions in 2004) - He’s actually paying dividends, meaning he’s contributing to the Lions offensive output, not so much that they’re actually making money off of selling his jerseys. It must suck to be a Lions running back because you will always be less than Barry Sanders, and Barry Sanders never won shit (even if he was pretty awesome), which means the Lions are just heavily smokestained by the dust of losery.
#5: John Engelberger (defensive end, 35th overall pick by the San Francisco 49ers in 2000) - Engelberger is interesting because he was opposite end of the Tech d-line when Corey Moore played (who finished as first alternate on this list), and Corey Moore got all the attention as the bug-eyed black man who crippled quarterbacks and raped their girlfriends in his daydreams. But he didn’t do shit but struggle and get shot a couple of times in the NFL. Meanwhile, Engelberger has had a productive professional career, and I think is still with the 49ers to this day. I remember when he got drafter over Moore, I was all like, “What the fuck?” That goes to show I don’t know shit; and I know more than you do.
#6: Jimmy Williams (cornerback, 37th overall pick by the Atlanta Falcons in 2006) - The Falcons love them some Virginia Tech Hokies. We will see if that changes in the coming years. Arthur Blank seems like a sucker, even if he is a multi-millionaire. He has the look of a mark you could con into some simple assed shit to fleece of some coin. And I guess Michael Vick and whatever that Sopranos extra-looking fuck that was their coach last year have done exactly that.
#7: Jake Grove (center, 45th overall pick in 2004 by the Oakland Raiders) - Dude, I don’t follow offensive linemen enough to know what happened to this guy. All I know about the Raiders o-line is they have that Robert Gallery guy who looked like he might’ve been a metalhead, but most likely he was one of those weightlifter Sic Semper Tyrannis fuckers who like to get to Tazmanian Devil tattoos.
#8: Andre Davis (wide receiver, 47th overall pick in 2002 by the Cleveland Browns) - I think he is no longer with the Browns, but why would he be, being a highly touted draft pick they made in recent years?
#9: Torrian Gray (safety, 49th overall pick in 1997 by the Minnesota Vikings) - Homeboy is already in his second year of being the defensive backs coach at Virginia Tech. Frank Beamer knows which side his bread is buttered on, and once these blue chip athletes he exploits (only partially) for his own benefit run their professional course, he brings them back for cushy coaching gigs to get them into the fraternity of fleecing future “amateur” athletes of their gridiron warrior image for monetary gain.
#10: Ike Charlton (cornerback, 52nd overall pick in 2000 by the Seattle Seahawks) - Is currently enrolled at Detroit Lions university as far as I can tell, but had a stint in the CFL, except he played linebacker up there. I guess motherfuckers are smaller in the CFL. Oh wait, according to wikipedia he’s back in the CFL again. Have you ever looked at those discussion pages for wikipedia entries? Man, what a fucking miserable life it must be to care about shit like that all day long.
#11: Darryl Tapp (defensive end, 63rd pick overall in 2006 by the Seattle Seahawks) - I do not know Darryl Tapp nor like the Seattle Seahawks so fuck them both, although one of the both is actually a team, and even more so an entire organization, which may or may not include the fans themselves, depending on your perspective. So fuck them all.
#12: Eric Green (cornerback, 75th overall pick in 2005 by the Arizona Cardinals) - Just signed a lucrative offer this past month to keep him from becoming a free agent, which will also keep him on a losing ass team. It was funny when the NFL realigned and the NFC East was getting carved around, and everyone was like, “Shit, we have to keep the Cowboys!” But when it came to the Cardinals, nobody said shit.
#13: James Anderson (linebacker, 88th overall pick in 2006 by the Carolina Panthers) - Being he is a linebacker on the Panthers, I hope he is a white dude with long hair. In southwest Virginia, there is anti-Redskins backlash from the ‘80s and ‘90s, so most of the folks down there tend to identify with the Panthers as their professional football team of choice, so this guy must be living the good life at area restaurants.
#14: Aaron Rouse (safety, 89th overall pick in 2007 by the Green Bay Packers) - Youth member of that punishing defense that will have to overcome Brett Favre’s lack of game-ending interceptions skills this year.
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