RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Sunday, August 10

S14: NHL Franchise Post-Season Power Rankings

I established a power franchise system for the major American-based sports leagues (NBA, NHL, NFL, MLB... haha, fuck you soccer) which is fairly simple and completely unnecessary. Basically, take the most recent season, 3 points for winning it all, 2 points for losing in finals, and 1 point for losing in semifinals (usually conference championships). The most recent year, I multiply by ten; last year, multiply by 9, year before that, multiply by 8; all the way down to ten season ago it gets multiplied by one (which I don’t really do, I just leave as is, because I learned that trick when it comes to multiplying things by one a long time ago). And then I have a stupid sports list to do for the sporting lists that I sort of gave up on a while ago but decided to force myself to start again.
I actually did this first one right after the Stanley Cup ended and before NBA finals got all retro-crazy, but I never wrote nothing about it at all, mostly because I didn’t care. I mean seriously, they could have that outdoor NHL game in my back yard, and if there was a halfway decent cooking show on my fuzzy PBS channel, I’d probably watch that instead. I don’t know about next year when it all goes digital, because I can tolerate the fuzzy picture, but I can’t watch the acid trip digital melts that digital TV does when you live too far away from their cybertronics. I loved some hockey when I could go watch minor league Richmond Renegades all the time and Trevor Senn would end up fighting somebody for little reason while they blared Lynyrd Skynyrd over the P.A., but NHL hockey’s just a little boring to me. I tried to watch a few of the weekend games on NBC and I don’t know what’s missing. I used to love watching hockey. I think maybe it’s the fact there’s no consistency, like players switch teams like crazy, even superstars. So it’s hard to follow long-term unless you’re all rabid about learning weird Euro-fuckers names. I briefly cared about the Washington Capitals, getting caught up in Alexander Ovechkin-mania, but I also did the same with the Wizards, and they play at the same time of year and Gilbert Arenas, Caron Butler, and Antawn Jamison are far more interesting than some stupid Russian fucker. But yeah, here’s the top 14 NHL franchises of the past ten years, according to my semi-scientific calculating method...
#1: Detroit Red Wings (57 points) - Really, one of the reasons I got into hockey on TV when I did actually watch it was because the satellite TV at my mom’s house gave me free NHL the first year I hooked it up when I was sleeping on the living room floor there, working the second shift in Richmond, and never seeing anyone in the process. Like the first month I was watching was that big Red Wings/Avalanche game where they fought for forty minutes and the goalies even got to mixing it up. When goalies fight, that’s entertaining hockey. I just read in the paper that Patrick Roy’s son is a goalie too, and he got into a fight with the other goalie in some minor league hockey game this past season, and the local authorities charged him with assault. When Patrick Roy’s son gets arrested for beating up the other goalie in a hockey game, it’s difficult times man. We live in difficult times.
#2: Anaheim Ducks (47 points) - I think they won a season ago, but I’m busy downloading DJ Screw music and it’s tying up my internet welfare, so I’m not gonna look it up elsewhere. Anaheim Ducks is the stupidest name ever for a professional sports team at the top level, even if they did drop the Mighty. In fact, I’d say the Mighty made it less embarrassing. Also, did they ever do an Air Bud hockey movie?
#3: New Jersey Devils (35 points) - The New Jersey Devil is a legendary creature described by witnesses much like the West Virginia Mothman and the Bat Monster my mom and dad claimed to have seen when they were fucking in the back of a stationwagon in the early ‘70s. To be honest - and I readily admit my own ridiculous prejudices - that’s the only saving grace of that entire state of New Jersey that I can think of. I used to think the Wu Mansion being there was another, but c’mon man, RZA is straight shitty now, and deluded by Hollywood. I doubt Ghostface spends much time at the Wu Mansion.
#4: Carolina Hurricanes (26 points) - The last time I made a half-hearted attempt at caring about the NHL was when Hurricane-mania was sweeping the Piedmont during their Stanley Cup run. But it petered out pretty hard afterwards because, let's face it, hockey is a side show in the south, meant to be seen at the minor league level where dudes fight for no real apparent reason other than to spike beer sales during the second period. Major league hockey makes no sense aesthetically in the south, just like having Nascar races in Chicago seems retarded. Fuck global multiculturalism. Some shit is meant to be regional.
#5: Pittsburgh Penguins (24 points) - Starring Sydney Crosby, the NHL's future. A pre-eminent franchise (I'm assuming, since they used to be big, and had a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, which is more than most pro sports team can say) that almost went under recently, but has been saved by young ice phenom Crosby, who is supposed to save the NHL too. Haha, stupid NHL... like people are gonna care because of one young superstar. I don't understand why leagues like the NHL and NBA work under these "Michael Jordan/Tiger Woods" assumptions, because the NFL is by far the most popular thing, and it goes way deeper than a single superstar. Plus, when you hitch your wagon to the superstar theory, once that dude goes down (or retires to play baseball or whatever), you are fucked. Oh well, it's their money, not mine.
#6: Ottawa Senators (24 points) - I like the Senators. You know why? When I watched shitty Richmond Renegades minor league hockey, one of the most awesome players was the goalie for the Roanoke team, I think Daniel Berthume (my spelling is deficient probably), and he had played in the NHL for the Senators, but somehow devalued himself to a blacklisted career as a guy too good for the minor leagues but not welcome back to the NHL. Thus, I like the Senators, because they are one of only a handful of teams I have any notion of something deeper than uniform colors.
#7: Edmonton Oilers (24 points) - Just because they won mad Stanley Cups with Gretzky and Mark Messier, I don't like them, partially because I like to playa hate wildly successful sports franchises, and partially because Mark Messier looks like a fucking retarded baboon.
#8: Dallas Stars (23 points) - The Dallas sports tradition as usually good but not good enough is not quite played up enough for my tastes. The Cowboys have not won a playoff game in years, and both the Stars and Mavericks seem to be perpetually good, but bridesmaids instead of brides. Of course, even after doing the research for this, I may have forgotten that they won the Stanley Cup recently, but fuck it. It's only hockey.
#9: Buffalo Sabres (22 points) - The Sabres logo where it looks like a heart with a knife through it is one of the few hockey jerseys I'd want to wear were I the type to wear hockey jerseys (which is probably about two steps lower on the social degenerate scale than I'm currently ready to accept in my personal life). Plus, they had Miroslav Satan as well, who I think is on war crimes trial in Nuremberg now.
#10: Colorado Avalanche (22 points) - For me, I will always associate the Avs with that punishing thug Claude Lemieux, who looks more like evil Germans in old Sgt. Rock comic books than anybody else I've ever seen. Man, Marty McSorley-enforced Red Wings vs. Claude Lemieux-enforced Avalanches, that's how hockey should market itself if it wants to get big with that highly sought after retard delinquent with money young male demographic, not with goal-happy pretty boys like Sydney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.
#11: Calgary Flames (21 points) - I don't know, I'm really struggling to make comments on some of this shit.
#12: Philadelphia Flyers (20 points) - Aren't they more of a finesse team now instead of their standard Broad Street Bully image? Or was that during the days of Eric Lindros? What ever happened to that dude anyways? Didn't he get like 37 concussions?
#13: Tampa Bay Lightning (14 points) - See, hockey in Tampa seems ridiculous to me. And I think they were the one with the female goalie too, which just goes to show how hockey is a freak show to us southerners. They should've had a grizzly bear goalie too, chained to the net inside the crease. Now that's what I call hockey!
#14: San Jose Sharks (7 points) - I guess hockey in California makes sense to me because California is a far off retarded place to me where people do all sorts of trendy nonsense as standard fare, standing around outside Sharks game waiting to get PBRs in plastic bottles and sushi orders. But then I think about how many Mexicans live in California and I realize my stereotypes of the state are not correct and I should be more careful. Like that old Bo Diddley song "You Can't Judge a Book By the Cover", except Hank Williams Jr. did a really shitty remake of the song that makes me want to judge books by their covers, so fuck California. I bet for all the cool ass spics that have lived there, there's also a bunch that are co-opted by soulless trendy Califuckfacers and become clean cut pseudo-spics standing outside Sharks games waiting to get Coronita plastic bottles and burrito wraps orders.

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