RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Thursday, September 4

NFL: Preseason Preview Upper Echelon

PERTINENT DATA: 16-0 last year, won AFC East, lost in Super Bowl to the Giants; 7 to 2 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: John Hannah was the epitome of blue collar, red-assed, whiteboy back in the day. He changed the way people regarded offensive linemen, in that all of a sudden they could be athletic and not just giant dirtbags who shanked people in fumble pile-ups.
TEAM HOSS: Along the same lines, I really like Logan Mankins, because he looks like a dirtbag white dude, and played at Fresno State, which makes me think of Jerry Tarkanian and his point guards that looked like DJ Quik. And Mankins tends to rock a fu manchu, which only giant 300 lb. scary white guys can rock, or maybe short, stubby redneck dudes, but the short, stubby fuckers have to shave their head for it to work, and wear mirror sunglasses like Dale Earnhardt while driving in their landscaping work truck.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Man, Bill Belichick believes his own bullshit too much, walking around in his stupid ass dirty sweatshirt, as if he exerts himself. He should fellate Tom Brady every day for turning him from a competent coordinator/shitty head coach into a guaranteed Hall of Fame-bound genius of the game.
TEAM ASS: It always seems odd to me when I read the player capsules in my yearly dorkbook and see that Tedy Bruschi played at Arizona. Because he has that Italian mongoloid complexion down pat, and the douchebag speech, and in fact the whole fucking thing. I thought they just found him somewhere in Connecticut, playing flag football better than anyone else in a pair of Joey Buttafucco zubaz weightlifter pants and signed him on as their linebacker. And I know it's not nice to speak bad on the dude, since he had strokes and shit, but really, does ill health in an asshole mean I'm not allowed to call an asshole an asshole?
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Tom Brady, and in the short term, his feet. Long term, they will win as many Super Bowls as he allows them too, hopefully not letting his mind get too caught up inside his dick when parting super model thighs, and staying focused on being Tom Brady. I think somewhere along the way last year was when my patience for Tom Brady finally ran out, mostly because I didn't want to see them go undefeated the whole year long. But after he was all flustered in the Super Bowl, I'm back to tolerating him silently and secretly having a crush on him like a majority of American males (excepting Jets and Raiders fans, who actually do like him, but more in a degraded cuckold way instead of the usual man-crush way).
SENIOR PLAYER: Tedy Bruschi was a third round pick in 1996.
THE RUDY: Stephen Neal not only went from being an undrafted rookie out of Cal State-Bakersfield in 2001 to being a starter, he didn't even play football in college. He was a wrassler.
FORMER HURRICANE: Nose tackle Vince Wilfork, former Hurricane from their last glory years.
VIRGINIA BOY: Lacking a Virginia college days native, we have to travel just across the border into shitty Maryland, where back-up cornerback Lewis Sanders played.
WILD SAMOAN: Well, the Patriots dropped their last Samoan when they cut defensive lineman Steve Fifita this past weekend, but you know how Belichick be calling up vets to come play once people get injured. Expect that once a linebacker goes down, and it's far enough along the season his old ass won't get too tired to finish, Junior Seau will get a call.
THE ICKY: Linebacker Bo Ruud, because his name sounds like what drunk rednecks would affectionately call each other while shooting pool. "Hey Bo Ruud... it's your shot."
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Without a doubt, Laurence Mauroney is the most industrial overlord sounding dude on the team. Even the fact he spells his first name with a "u" instead of a "w"... pure class.
FANTASY JERSEY: Old school red #86 MORGAN for Stanley Morgan, who was their only good player for most of the '80s.

PERTINENT DATA: 13-3 last year, won the NFC East, lost to the Giants in the divisional round of the playoffs; 6 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I will always have an affinity for Nate Newton, being he originally was a Redskin but they cut him. His large, fried egg sandwich eating, marijuana smuggling, goofy ass was hard not to love. I imagine his good timey southern black dude demeanor was a great way to keep the locker room loose when all those other guys were jacked up on Bolivian flake during their Jimmy Johnson dynasty. I have to admit, reading about Charles Haley and his perverse masturbation problems recently almost caused him to pass Newton, but I decided to value the overall body of work as opposed to being such a ridiculous degenerate in one category of human awesomeness.
TEAM HOSS: It is hard for me to like any Cowboy, but I guess Jason Witten's not that bad, running around after getting his helmet knocked off. He's kind of like what Jeremy Shockey thinks he is.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Deion Sanders, because he is the all-time suckiest suck to ever high step his way through the NFL. To the Cowboys credit, they make it easy to hate them, as three of the biggest fuckfaces to ever play football in my lifetime - Sanders, Michael Irvin, and Terrell Owens, all had their glory days in Dallas.
TEAM ASS: Obviously T.O. There is no doubt in my mind that this twinkly-eyed attention whore who over-values his own importance is a closeted homosexual, which is not uncommon when young black boys are raised only around women. It's a tough choice, whether to let your fatherless children be raised in the streets where at least they will be men, albeit alpha male thugs, or do you allow them to become effeminate primadonnas who helped make that term "down low" a common sub-culture?
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Tony Romo, who has been good, but not nearly as great as he's made out to be. Until he wins a playoff game, which probably has to happen this year, although I guess the firing of Ralph Wiggum as coach to give Jason Garrett a shot would buy him another season at QB should he fuck it up right away in the playoffs like the last two years.
SENIOR PLAYER: Greg Ellis was a first round pick and Flozell Adams a second round pick in 1998.
THE RUDY: Without a doubt, Tony Romo. The former Eastern Illinois star went from undrafted schmuck in 2003 to Mr. Jessica Simpson and Pro Bowler in 2007. Nice parlay indeed. Too bad he's probably secretly gay too.
FORMER HURRICANE: Probably out of Jerry Jones' hatred of all things Jimmy Johnson, there's nary a Cane on the Cowboys roster. So in lieu of one, take Brad Johnson, former Florida State Seminole, who is so old he played for the Seminoles when they were as good as the Hurricanes used to be.
VIRGINIA BOY: Defensive end Chris Canty, who played at UVA. I worked at this digital graphics firm where we did an extensive football installation in the athletic department of all of UVA's past stars, full oak frames, UV-resistant glass, double cut mats, real swank set-up, probably a good $30,000 worth of bullshit. Chris Canty had just been drafted and was featured prominently so as to excite the young recruits.
WILD SAMOAN: Samoans are inherently good, honest, caring individuals, who believe in family, tradition, and hard work. This is why none play for the Cowboys.
THE ICKY: Tank Johnson is a great name, even if the Tank is a nickname. It is great when grown men keep their nicknames, because you are trained to cut your hair, clean yourself up, give up your nickname. Look at Adam Jones, nee Pacman, following his lawyer's advice in all likelihood and making himself look like a more normal dude. Not Tank though, he keeps the name proudly. Props to him. I had a father figure whose nickname was Tank, and he was buried in a junkyard. It was a beautiful funeral; the preacher talked about how he knew which cloud everyone was pushing their broke down cars to in Heaven now. That made me laugh, because if it was Heaven, wouldn't people's cars not break down? And also, Heaven... hahaha, that's funny.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Long snapper L.P. Ladouceur, oil tycoon, purchaser of black souls. Did you know those ultra-rich oil fuckers in Texas use property managers of tenement apartments in Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, etc. to buy up wild ass black teenagers, that they train to fight in underground human cockfights? For real. A Mexican guy I used to work with told me about it.
FANTASY JERSEY: I would get one of those pink #9 jerseys like Jessica Simpson wears, except mine would say HOMO instead of ROMO. And I would never wear it.

PERTINENT DATA: 11-5 last year, won AFC West, lost to the Patriots in the AFC championship; 7 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Kellen Winslow was fucking scary when I was a kid, because he was as fast and pass-sticky as a good wide receiver, but he had an extra forty pounds on his ass. He was a pretty damned good footballer, but obviously not much of a father.
TEAM HOSS: Man, I wanted to pick somebody else just to talk about whatever, but how can you not say LaDainian Tomlinson? I have always said Barry Sanders was the best RB I watched in my football watching days, but I think another year or two and I'll be shifting that to say L.T.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Rolf Benirschke was an annoying Eurofag, long before they started to slowly infiltrate the NFL's kicking ranks. I don't care what diseases or whatever he had and how he can motivationally speak me into conquering my own personal problems.
TEAM ASS: Shawne Merriman is becoming one of those guys where you have to think there's fire from all the smoke. Steroid suspension, but it wasn't his fault. His knee is all fucked up, but he gets multiple opinions to hear what he wants to hear. There is a reason every time somebody has a fucked up knee, you hear the name Dr. James Andrews. It's because he's the pre-eminent kneefuctologist on the earth; you don't need a second opinion after that. Not to mention he has that extra "e" on the end of his first name. Plus, from Maryland. Really, he's one of the worst douchebags in the league now that I add it all up. (I never use that term "douchebag" in real life because I've never seen a douche and no one around me has ever used one. It seems odd to me that there must be either loads of people who actually use and/or see douches as a normal part of their life, or just say that word because it's common lexicon.)
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Easily, this would be all in Norv Turner's lap. Thus far as a head coach, he has been amazingly mediocre - just decent enough to keep his job but consistently shitty enough to eventually be fired. So he is a chronic underachiever as a head coach, leading a team full of star power and Super Bowl potential. Two opposing forces that seem unstoppable... it will be hilarious to see how he fucks this one up though.
SENIOR PLAYER: Long snapper David Binn has been with the team ever since signing on as a rookie free agent in 1994. In fact, he's one of the longest tenured players in the NFL.
THE RUDY: The Chargers are the team of undrafted starters, three of their starters being college free agents, and a fourth one being a college free agent they picked up off waivers when cut from another team his first year. The cream of this crop of blue collar contributors though is Antonio Gates, who went from a nobody kid who played basketball at Kent State University, to the NFL's premier tight end. His star seems to be declining, but still, he is a key part of this offense.
FORMER HURRICANE: No Hurricanes, which is an interesting juxtaposition to how many undrafted college players they have. We will say Antonio Cromartie, who played at Florida State though, because he's my favorite Charger because I accidentally had him in fantasy football last year, and then he fucked up Peyton Manning right smart in that one game.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginia players either, probably because most people from this state remember Norv Turner as Redskins coach.
WILD SAMOAN: Following in the rich San Diego Samoan tight end tradition of Alfred Pupunu is Brandon Manumaleuna, who is more of a blocking tight end, but can catch a pass if he absolutely has to.
THE ICKY: Defensive end Igor Olshansky, but only because the Chargers cut RB Germaine Race in the preseason.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Charlie Whitehurst sounds like the happy type of guy wearing a white sweater vest, playing backgammon at the country club.
FANTASY JERSEY: A throwback powder blue #18 JOINER jersey, because back then when I was a kid, Charlie Joiner was one of the few receivers not wearing 80-something, and he had that old school two bar face mask that not even kickers wear anymore.

PERTINENT DATA: 13-3 last year, lost to San Diego in the divisional playoffs round; 15 to 2 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I don't really care for the Indy Colts, and never really cared for the Baltimore Colts either. But when I was a broke ass kid in Meherrin, Virginia, and could never afford a stupid football jersey, I inherited a couple from my cousin Frank, including a Bert Jones Baltimore Colts jersey. I won like 312 Super Bowls throwing a half-sized football over the power line in that jersey, so he is obviously their best player ever.
TEAM HOSS: Bob Sanders seems like the easy pick, just for being a cock diesel black dude who insists on being called simply Bob. But I relate more to closeted racist hunting type big ugly offensive linemen, so I'll go with Jeff Saturday instead, especiall if he grows a playoff beard.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I hate Eric Dickerson so much, I hated him when he played for the Colts, with his Lionel Ritchie in some Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sportglasses ass.
TEAM ASS: Who can it be other than Peyton Manning? Too many commercials, too much innocent hick schtick, way too fucking much overexaggerated audiblelizing at the line of scrimmage. I remember he was on Saturday Night Live and I refused to watch it and people were like, "Yo, that shit was HIGH-larious!" So I watched the repeat, and nope, it was just stupid fucking Peyton Manning.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Peyton Manning and his feeble body. If he can play another seven years they might win a Super Bowl or two, although I feel Peyton is destined to be his generation's Brett Favre - ol' country boy gunslinger who everyone thinks is the bestest shit to ever play but only really won one Super Bowl and ends up going out like a punk primadonna bitch in the end.
SENIOR PLAYER: Marvin Harrison was a first round pick in 1996. Mr. Quiet Hardworking Unscary Black Guy WR all of a sudden is being a bitch ass about signing autographs for kids and then shooting up people outside his car detailing joint, allegedly. If he can shake the legal haters off his shoulders, reheal his hobbled ass, they could achieve glory again. I don't see Peyton hanging with Reggie Wayne like he did with Marvin, which is why Harrison probably had that whole unscary black guy image anyways, like he and Peyton were playing backgammon together on Monday afternoons and shit.
THE RUDY: Starting middle linebacker Gary Brackett was undrafted out of Rutgers in 2003. Of note as well is perennial back-up RB Dominic Rhodes, also undrafted, out of Midwestern State in 2001.
FORMER HURRICANE: Harrison's replacement as go-to guy on the offense Reggie Wayne. His inherent Miami cockiness was okay as second receiver in cornfed Indiana, so we will see how those racist crackers embrace him now that he's basically the #1 guy.
VIRGINIA BOY: Back-up rookie tight end Tom Santi was a second-rate Heath Miller replacement at UVA.
WILD SAMOAN: Linebacker Freddie Keiaho.
THE ICKY: Back-up wide receiver/special teamster Pierre Garcon, whose name sounds like one Michael Vick would've made up to get venereal disease treatments at a free clinic, probably with a curly mustache drawn on his face with a Sharpie.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Well fuck, they cut Quinn Pitcock and Clifton Dawson, so I'm forced to settle for Dallas Clark as the fake rich industrialist on this team.
FANTASY JERSEY: No doubt about it, a home white #13 VANDERJAGT jersey, the liquored-up kicker who Peyton ran off. Vanderjagt was like an even better Sebastian Janikowski, as in retarded foreign kicker. You might not know this, but after Vanderjagt ruined his chances in Dallas in the NFL, he returned to the Toronto Argonauts of the CFL, where he is a national legend. Awesome. I wish he was on the Redskins.

PERTINENT DATA: 11-5 last year, won AFC wild card berth, lost to New England in the divisional playoffs round; 12 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Former Jacksonville Jimmy Smith was always getting arrested for cocaine (in fact, even last week he was arrested), and he shared a name with the King of the Hammond B3 organ. In fact, whenever there would be a Jacksonville game on before or after the Redskins on a Sunday, I'd throw on a couple Jimmy Smith LPs (preferably instrumental... Smith singing wasn't always the best) and just vibe to that B3. Perfect fucking Sunday music.
TEAM HOSS: I am partial to Fred Taylor, because he is a goofy ass RB with a normal ass name, and he tends to get arrested too (like last weekend). I guess now with that one guy all shot up in the hospital, everybody in the sports media is all "OMG, Cincinnati Bengals v2.0, when will the madness stop?" Who gives a fuck?
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Mark Brunell, who I think still plays in New Orleans. Fucking homeschooling ass Christian freak has already made plans to run for Senator in Florida upon retirement. What kind of bullshit is that? Also, fuck him.
TEAM ASS: You know, other than their ugly uniforms, I have no ill will towards any Jags players. In lieu of any better choice, I'll say the team ass is Jerry Porter, simply for how much of a bitch he acted like to get out of Oakland. But if he scores like 20 touchdowns and does retarded dances afterwards, I'll probably forget all about that.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: David Garrard. Is he the true black QB, what they thought Byron Leftwich was supposed to be? Or is he just a better shitty QB than them other dudes before him? He looked pretty good last year, not like black quarterback good but moving into that Donovan McNabb realm of being a for-real regular good quarterback. That is not meant to sound racist, it's just people get all caught up in black QBs like crazy. Or maybe they don't and I'm a painful reminder of our past, from like four years ago, when people thought about the color of a black quarterback's skin.
SENIOR PLAYER: Fred Taylor was a first round draft pick in 1998.
THE RUDY: Both Montell Owens (Maine) and Brian Uwuh (Colorado) were undrafted rookies in 2006 that have carved low roster spots out for theyselves through special teams play.
FORMER HURRICANE: No Canes, though they have plenty of Gators, and fullback Fred Jones was a Seminole. I guess it's that whole north Fla. vs. south Fla. thing.
VIRGINIA BOY: Back-up linebacker Justin Durant came out of tiny ass traditionally black college Hampton University, and actually last year as a rookie made solid contributions as a starter when Mike Peterson was injured.
WILD SAMOAN: Guard Vincent Manuwai, who played appropriately at Hawaii. I think all Samoan players should just go there and make it a dominant force in college football, out of ethnic pride, and with June Jones help.
THE ICKY: I still find it hard to believe there is a guy named Cleo Lemon. I find it even harder to believe he's not a white dude.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Chauncey Washington, with a hunting room that has stuff alligators and white tigers and albino elephant heads and shit.
FANTASY JERSEY: Black #82 HAMMOND B3 in honor of both Jimmy Smiths. You know, this is actually one I might would buy if I had too much spending money in my bank account.

PERTINENT DATA: 10-6 last year, got an NFC wild card berth, won the fucking Super Bowl; 16 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Lawrence Taylor was a coked up maniac that broke QBs careers in half. He is the epitome of what a modern defensive star should be. In fact, knowing all these guys probably do HGH, I have to admit I'm more down with coked up bug-eyed freaks like the original L.T. far more than the muscled-up types you see now. If someone's gonna use drugs to gain an advantage, I'd like them to personally enjoy it as well, rather than just simply profit monetarily. That seems so cold and heartless. Cocaine and hookers though? Much more gratifying.
TEAM HOSS: One reason out of a million I hate Dan Snyder is that he let Antonio Pierce go, and to the Giants. Antonio Pierce is one of the perfect examples why they are letting one defensive player wear head gear radios now, because in today's defenses, a good middle linebacker reads the shit, and alters calls, and has to be pretty quick with the football intelligentsia. Pierce is one of the best at it.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I heard Phil Simms on the Steve Czaban Show the other morning, and he was an annoying douche like he's always been. That guy is such a fucking uptight blowhard, it's almost amazing. When you are white enough to make Greg Gumbel seem like a street negro of Omar Little proportions, you are one white assed dude.
TEAM ASS: I'm gonna have to say Eli Manning, even though he's basically like Peyton Light when it comes to all the Manning annoyances. Still though.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Mathias Kiwanuka, the roving linebacker put back at defensive end to help offset losses on the d-line, is going to decide the Giants fate this year. They have kind of a shitty secondary, but the intense pass rush usually saved them last year. With no gap toothed dude and no likes to piss on chicks dude anymore this season, it's up to Justin Tuck and Kiwanuka to pick up the slack. Justin Tuck will be alright. But how will Kiwanuka adjust? I hope he doesn't, and tears his ACL in the kick-off game.
SENIOR PLAYER: With Strahan's retirement, the title of most constantly tenured player now moves to Amani Toomer, a second round draft pick in 1996.
THE RUDY: Starting guard Rich Seubert was undrafted in 2001 out of Western Illinois.
FORMER HURRICANE: Well, Jeremy Shockey's gone, and they have Sinorice Moss still, but the best former Hurricane on the Giants is also the oldest former Hurricane in the NFL, in punter Jeff Feagles, who played when Testaverde played and college football uniforms didn't have cybertronic lines on them yet. Just solid color tops and solid color bottoms, like it should be. Fucking frou-frou ass new fangled bullshit.
VIRGINIA BOY: Ahmad Bradshaw briefly played at UVA, before being run out of town for thievery and having to finish his college career at Marshall. He actually did time this offseason after winning the Super Bowl in a jail in southwest Virginia. UVA has a lot of players that get arrested it seems, which is odd because they're not that good. You would think if you were getting arrestable types, you'd be a much better college football program. Stupid fucking Al Groh.
WILD SAMOAN: With no Polynesian, I am forced to go back to the motherland in this category, and say Osi Umenyiora. I don't feel like looking up the link, but when the Super Bowl was going down last year, there was some blog where some anonymous chick talked about how much Umenyiora liked to piss on girls as a sexual activity. Regardless of the validity (it must be true though, because it was on the internet), I will always think of him this way now, much like when I saw the clip of Chuck Berry pissing on the blonde chick in his bathtub. "I'd kiss you baby but you know..." High-pitched, stereotypical dumb blonde voice goes, "I know, I have piss all over me. Hee hee hee." Man, God Bless America. Fifty years ago, black people were getting lynched in the biggest oak trees in town, and now they can piss on white bitches for leisure. Obama '08 baby.
THE ICKY: Justin Tuck's name reminds me of stupid wrestler names like Justin Credible or Justin Gage or Justin Sane. Justin Tuck also sounds like a skateboarder type who is misunderstood in a CW-based teen soap opera.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Chase Blackburn, Madison Hedgecock, and R.W. McQuarters sounds like a law firm specializing in helping rich entertainment industry Jews sue regular college kids who were downloading music, because the rich Jews have been ripping people off for so many years - on overpriced CDs, as well as stealing publishing rights from musicians - that they feel entitled to their ill-begotten monies.
FANTASY JERSEY: An alternate red #58 PIERCE. Or I could rock a red #17 like Lil Wayne, either way. Am I the only one that thinks even if Lil Wayne was kissing Baby like he was a father, it's still gay? I mean, me and my dad never kissed on the lips, and that seems fucking a weird thing to act like it's normal.

PERTINENT DATA: 10-6 last year, won AFC North title, lost to Jacksonville at home in the wild card round of the playoffs; 16 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: When he was a biker type scary white guy offensive linemen during his career, Justin Strzelczyk became one of my favorites. The fact he died in a Vanishing Point style wreck into a tanker truck full of acid wihle running from the cops. It would've been cool if he was all hopped up on something great, but it ended up just being brain damage from football, and now people are all worried about concussions. I mean, I get it, they suck, but I'm a regular guy and I've had four or five concussions in my life (one time, I was goofy for like a week - long enough to be afraid I'd forever be mildly retarded and not remember things like which way the bathroom in my own house was), but that's part of life. I think we coddle people too much with science, much like we used to with religion, and like to think science can explain anything and make it better ultimately.
TEAM HOSS: Ben Roethlisberger is a big, lovable oaf. He's a bit more resilient than most modern QBs, making him seem like a throwback type player, probably because he's in that old school looking Steelers uniform, and also because he runs like QBs did before they even timed 40 yard dashes.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Terry Bradshaw is annoying, with his own personal lack of self-worth becoming too obvious all too often. Sad thing is, he's one of the least annoying guys on the least annoying pre-game show in football. Why do they hire such stupid fucks for those shows?
TEAM ASS: Not really actively disliking any Steeler, I'll go with Brett Keisel, since he almost crippled Jason Campbell last year in preseason.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Mike Tomlin is a great young coach, reminding me of the type of dude you'd see hanging out next to Pete Rock in an old Pete Rock & CL Smooth video on YO! MTV Raps! And what is he, like their fifth coach in their whole history? Thing is, Steelers fans are expecting Super Bowl contention. And they are also a bunch of northern-style coal-mining racist hillbillies who still have German or Polish or Latvian or whatever the fuck accent. So Mike Tomlin better get it done, or be gone.
SENIOR PLAYER: In 1998, WR Hines Ward was a third round pick, and CB Deshea Townsend was a fourth rounder.
THE RUDY: Mushmouthed starting RB Willie Parker was an undrafted gem of a man, straight out of North Cackalacka.
FORMER HURRICANE: Well, they cut Najeh Davenport, so they have no bonafide Miami Hurricanes, so instead we get the pride of the Miami (of Ohio) University RedHawks - Big Ben Roethlisberger.
VIRGINIA BOY: The Steelers actually have a prominent former UVA Cavalier on both sides of the ball, in LB James Farrior, who seems to be the latest punishing elder veteran of their eternal linebacking corps, and TE Heath Miller, who before Chris Long, was the best UVA player they'd ever had in my 10 years of living in this area.
WILD SAMOAN: Perhaps the glamour boy of Wild Samoan football players, safety Troy Polamalu, who refuses to cut his hair and trains with professional wrestlers in the offseason. I think my boy Matt told me that one time when we were out drinking. It's in my head for some reason, and God made me, so I don't remember no junk.
THE ICKY: Tackle Willie Colon has a name that sounds like a jazz sessionist from the late '60/early '70s whose percussion stylings were often sampled by the Diggin' in the Crates Crew.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: See, the Colts cutting Quinn Pitcock sucks even more now, because the best I can get off the Steelers roster is WR Dallas Baker, but that sounds stupid since I just said Dallas Clark up above for the Colts. Whatever happened to that Kimo Von Oelhoffen dude? That was the most industrious overlordly name in football for sure.
FANTASY JERSEY: I was gonna say some stupid James Farrior jersey or whatever, but honestly I'd wear any black Steelers jersey. But if I'm gonna fantasize, I'd get a #73 STRZELCZYK one, because dude was crazy, had two Zs in his name, and 1973 was my born year.

PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year; 17 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Fran Tarkenton was a goofy fucker, great in the booth on Monday Night Football, and just an all-around benefit to football. He's the greatest Viking ever. His stupid brother Chip has been sportscaster for the ABC station in Richmond for like 20 years now as well.
TEAM HOSS: Being Pat and Kevin Williams are two indistinguishable 315 pound black dude monsters in the middle of the defensive line, they sort of cancel each other out, forcing me to go with overpaid guard Steve Hutchinson, who has helped Chester Taylor, and then Adrian Peterson, seem unstoppable.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I always found Jon Randle to be a little pretentious, with that Road Warrior face paint and over-emphatic pseudo-trash talking.
TEAM ASS: Jared Allen, because he was good for one year, and made a big deal about having a mullet. He looks like a real dumbass too, with or without the mullet.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Really, this team will rise or fall with Tarvaris Jackson, probably more so than any other team. If he can be Trent Dilfer-esque and not outright fuck up a whole lot, the Vikings can succeed beyond our wildest imaginations. But if he plays like he did the last few weeks of last year, heaving balls into opposing cornerbacks breadbaskets, they will be just good enough to just miss the playoffs, just like last year.
SENIOR PLAYER: Center Matt Birk was a sixth round pick in 1998, out of Harvard.
THE RUDY: Starting guard Anthony Herrera was came in undrafted in 2004, although he did play at Tennessee, so it's not like he was some longshot from Middle Arkansas Wesleyan or some shit.
FORMER HURRICANE: Not only is tackle Bryant McKinnie a former Cane, but he lives up to that reputation by getting into fights outside of night clubs. Also was supposedly a co-coordinator of the Viking love boat hooker show brouhaha.
VIRGINIA BOY: Safety Darren Sharper has played far longer and far better than you would ever expect from someone who went to William & Mary, especially if you ever saw that school. I don't know if it still does, but it used to lead state of Virginia schools in gay students as well as suicides.
WILD SAMOAN: Fullback Naufahu Tahi, another BYU Samoan Mormon. It's like a cult of those fuckers.
THE ICKY: TE Visanthe Shiancoe, because it reads really odd. I'm sure if I heard someone say it, it'd be simple as fuck though, like "Vizan Shanko". But it looks all sorts of complicated in print.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Jimmy Kleinsasser is a very laid back industrial millionaire type.
FANTASY JERSEY: An alternate black Randy Moss jersey. A couple of years ago when I was hitting up the markdown outlet store, they had some black Daunte Culpeper jerseys, and the purple viking on the sleeve with the purple trim around the neck was pimp as fuck. I think I passed it over though for a red Cadillac Williams jersey with nothing on the front that I was gonna get the airbrush shop to put a Cadillac emblem on. Then the airbrush shop shut down, for selling crack. And so it goes.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hate to break the news but you do use the word douchebag pretty liberally. Nice backstory on Teddy Bruschi. I'm convinced of its accuracy.

The older S.E.P. stuff is no longer available on the myspace page unless it just can't be detected by retards. You should probably put a link to the S.E.P. and Psy/Ops myspace pages in a really prominent spot somewhere on this blog.