RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Thursday, September 25

NFL WK 4: AFC North & East teams

#1: BUFFALO BILLS (3-0, 2nd overall)
Yeah, I should just go ahead and point out that my highly-flawed, completely-mathematical formula really is useless until after like the fifth week of the season, once everything has settled down. How else to explain the Bills being the overall second-ranked team in the NFL at this point? But it shows something too, that with the Patriots Brady-less, and Peyton Manning and the Colts looking battle-worn already, it's kinda wide open where almost anybody can win the Super Bowl this year. I mean, the Cowboys look like the best team, but come on, they're a regular season team, not a playoff team. But the Bills have sopped up everything on their plate thus far. If they can stay straight, and with Marcus Stroud's domineering personality on defense, with the AFC wide open now, they could get a proper chance to lose another Super Bowl.

#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (2-1, 8th overall)
The offensive line is in shambles, and Big Ben is being reduced to a taller David Carr/Patrick Ramsey, just with a hamburger named after him... you know, enough of this bullshit. I try too fucking hard to be too fucking soft sometimes. You know why the Steelers are always relevant? Their uniforms. Ominous black to endear mongoloid blood-thirsty linemen and linebackers, yet has that flashy yellow to attract the retard-styled skill position types. Black and yellow. This is why they always end up being remotely relevant, and also why a Patriots tumble could go to the bottom fairly fast, because they have shitty uniforms. Notice the Steelers don't be revamping their shit with new zubaz kwanzaa trim or eurofag slicy parts down the jersey into the pant legs. Straight up black and yellow. Shit, this fact alone makes it impossible for them to ever be worse than like third in their division on their worst years.

#3: MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-2, 13th overall)
The Dolphins are, for me, the Cowboys of the AFC, which mean they are unloveable crackheads, scumbags, and fuckfaces. Don Shula and Bill Parcels make perfect bedfellows... old self-important shitheads sitting around on boats casting lines at wild marlin that they'll never pull in on their own because they'll just get the help to break any sweats necessary. But being the AFC East is kind of the NFL's godless division, with nobody really worth loving at all, I still hope for the Dolphins to be successful.

#4: BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-0, 15th overall)
I've got a homeboy (which is funny to say, because this dude is whiter than fuck) who is a Ravens fan. This is in our circle of anarcho-hippie earth fruits, who never like sports. I guess that's more of my wife's circle, but I don't go out of my way to kick it with nobody, so I end up having these types congregating around my proximity more often than I'd probably like of my own volition. Nonetheless, this dude is an actual football fan, with an actual team he has loved for years (dude was unfortunate enough to be from Maryland), yet we've never gotten up to watch the footballs together. He and his wife rent some land and do some crazy corn stalk maze this time of year, so it's always a couple weeks after Halloween before he's not banking off NoVa white familial discretionary incomes, and after that, fuck it, who wants to leave the house with the wood stove cranking and a hunk of deer tenderloin slow roasting in the oven with some carrots and sweet onions and celery and red potatoes and rosemary twigs to go sit at some other asshole's house all Sunday afternoon?

#5: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (2-1, 17th overall)
Oh man, it is so funny to see the Patriots suck. Bill Belichick's unparalleled genius was like the wizard's of Oz's curtain, yanked back by fucking Ronnie Brown, who has thus far been basically Cedric Benson but without all the arrests. The really hilarious thing is their defense is a hobbled together patchwork of aged bodies (I'm sure very familiar with the HGH far beyond just Rodney Harrison) with an expiration date for about the middle of October. And we all know how well Randy Moss plays with others when he's not getting "go long and I'll toss it high" playground patterns called for him, which is not really possible considering their new starting QB never even started in college. It's all really funny to watch, and years from now, when Patriots fans, with their gay-assed accents sounding like cocks poked their tonsils sideways, will be all like, "Yea, but we won 3 Super Bowls," and I can go, "Hahaha, you stupid fuck, you should've won like six but you kept fucking it up."

#6: NEW YORK JETS (1-2, 26th overall)
Man, my stupid fantasy football team (in a league with 20 teams, which means there's NO FUCKING BODY to pick up off the free agent pile) is saddled with shitty QBs. I just dumped stupid Jon Kitna, because I snagged Kerry Collins a couple weeks ago as a back-up to my starter, the Ol' Gunslinger. Favre is usually good for 3 TDs and 2 INTs each week, so being touchdowns score more than interceptions score against, I guess I coming out okay, so long as he can run up some yards too. Favre in New York is like the curtain being jerked back too, in that you can see basically Favre was winging it half the time in Green Bay. This will not be a glorious exit for the Ol' Gunslinger, which is sad, because there probably won't be any reason for NBC to flex schedule them onto Sunday night games later in the year for Madden to give Favre one more verbal fellatio for the road.

#7: CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-3, 27th overall)
Man, the Browns are way shittier than anybody expected them to be. I guess people pretended their no-name QB from last year wasn't really a no-name QB. They should just ride out this year, let Brady Quinn marinate on the sidelines, then come out gunning next year. It's sad, because Kellen Winslow's millionaire thug with a the word thoughts of a poetic encephalitic is being wasted a shithole half-foreclosed upon midwestern industrial wasteland. He should really play in Oakland. The NFL would really do itself a service to have a steering committee in place to make things like that happen. I know parity is great and all that shit, but it would make more sense for certain things to happen.

#8: CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-3, 28th overall)
Okay, I caught a touch of the Bengals/Giants game last week during commercimal breaks to the Skins game, and what I don’t understand is if Chad Johnson is such a closeted homo never-raised-around-grown-men attention douche and he legally changed his name at the beginning of the season, why is he wearing JOHNSON on his jersey? I remember the NFL even said he could wear OCHO CINCO, too. What a fucking pussy. I know inside the internets, retarded dinkery is seen as awesome, much in the same way as college town fags ten years ago wore mesh hats from truck stops, but this dude is fairly sad. And the worst part of it is he’s not doing shit anymore, which is just going to sink him into depression, which he will probably solve with retail therapy, which means after this year when no one else wants him and the Bengals dump him, he’s gonna be just another unemployed black dude who used to have some nice shit back in the day. Now, T.J. Houshmandeeznuts... that dude is the real deal. See, if there had been an NFL steering committee in place, he still would’ve ended up with the Bengals, because some ponytailed Hindu freak playing in Bengal uniforms is just about right. The only thing that could possibly make it better would be some posters and ad campaign with him in like some white tiger bikini shorts with two white tigers on leashes standing in a jungle scene. And of course a couple of fat-tittied bitches in some ragged pelt-like bikinis. But low cut as fuck. Actually, fuck it if we’re gonna imagineer some bullshit, just make them naked fat-tittied chicks, and we can take Houshmandezbollah out of it, and make one of the fat-tittied chicks my wife and the other one the cute dreadlocked chick from Whole Foods who said, “Excuse my big booty” to me one time, but there will be two white tigers on leashes, and it’ll be a jungle scene, but instead of a poster, it will be a home movie. Nah, fuck that too, because if pictures steal indian souls then moving cinemagraphicopy things must rape and pillage indian souls, and we are all indians inside, deep down, so I’d rather just be there to hang and soak it all in, firsthand, and do my best to remember it, rather than cheapen it with pictures or movies.

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