#1: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (6-2, 2nd overall) - Again, mathematical defibrillations are proven to be bullshit because there's absolutely no way the Redskins should be considered the second best team in the NFL right now. And I am a Redskins fan! There are two ways you can look at this team within the context of this year's NFL. The pessimistical side, which I'm more attuned to, is to say, man this team sucks. They have gotten lucky against shitty teams the past two weeks, and don't score nearly as much as all the fucking yards they run up on offense would lead you to expect. But the NFL is all fucked up this year, with the wonderful mediocrity of parity, no cream to rise to the top, so the Skins are 6-2. And the second half of the season will expose them as a fraud of the free agency era. But the optimistic attitude would be to say, you know, they haven't really clicked on all cylinders, sputtering in the red zone, but they've shown chemistry and flashes of greatness. If they haven't even hit their stride yet, and somehow managed to be 6-2, once they start clicking completely, it's gonna be the sickness. Of course, they have a ton of minor injuries already (stupid Jason Taylor), and that shit could come to haunt. Although they also have a bye week coming up next week. But then again, they come off that with the brutal blood battle #2 of the year against the Cowboys. Whatever. They are winning and I will enjoy it for as long as it lasts, whether that be eight years or three weeks.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (5-3, 3rd overall) - Not only has this been a great year already watching the Redskins actually be better than expected, but watching this slow Cowboys burn has been wonderful. Wade Phillips is the most impotent head coach I think I've ever seen, and it's funny that Cowboys fans are putting all this futuristic hope into Red Jesus aka Jason Garrett. That dude has already shown signs of believing his own hype, which means he stands a decent chance of ending up being like a second-rate Norv Turner. I think the thing I've enjoyed the most, beyond the T.O. impending meltdown, the Pac Man bullshit, Jerry Jones scrambling, is realizing how they've put so much weight behind Tony Romo - it will take years for him to lose his spot. But Romo is very much like Brett Favre in that he gets good fantasy numbers, but tends to fuck up at the worst possible time. There was a reason the dude was undrafted out of college, and it's not like he was off the radar. Dude played Division I-AA, not Division III or some shit. The more he dips his dick into Hollywood pussy and cashes them big fat oil man paychecks, the less likely he is to be motivated to get any better than he already is too. It's a great situation to watch unravel.
#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-1, 5th overall) - The Giants defending champion status, combined with their record, would make one assume they are the inevitable elite team to be crowned by the end of the year. But honestly, they haven't been super-impressive. Then again, who has? As much as they punished the Steelers offensive line last week, they wouldn't have won without a second-string long snapper for the Steelers blowing the game. The Giants do have depth on offense, more so than most teams, meaning they have drafted pretty well the past couple of years. Still, I think they are getting early hype this year, before they deserve it, and that can only inflate their heads beyond reality. They would have done much better to float below expectations like last year, and peak at the end of the year.
#4: BUFFALO BILLS (5-2, 8th overall) - An interesting thing I have noted as a nominal professional football fan is how the Jaguars seem to suddenly be a declining team full of potential felons, whereas the Bills are suddenly good enough to be almost as good as the Patriots maybe. The movement of Marcus Stroud from the Jags to the Bills is probably a good reason for this. The Bills have had some hodgepodge of talent in recent years, but without that imposing presence to keep it policed in the locker room, it's hard to make chemistry projects turn out right. Marcus Stroud is just a giant black dude who plays defensive tackle, which doesn't necessarily command respect from the mainstream NFL fan. Unless they can do a funny dance where their big ass belly jiggles like that Packers dude (Gilbert O'Sullivan or some shit like that?), or say crazy things like Warren Sapp, nobody really gives a fuck about them half the time, because they don't sack the QB like ends, and they don't really show their face as much as other players because when they are not playing plays, they are too fucking tired to unstrap their helmets from their swollen ass heads. But Marcus Stroud strolled into Buffalo, cashing a fat free agent paycheck, and has made that defense solid. You combine that with an offense full of questionable potential superstars like Trent Edwards and Marshawn Lynch (who gets Edgerrin James-like props for looking most of the time like he might be an original member of the Boot Camp Clique), and what you have is a team contending to unseat the crippled New England Patriots for an AFC East divisional title.
#5: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-3, 10th overall) - We have a really close family friend and she has a 11-year-old boy. I even went to see one of his fall ball little league games, I think so highly of their family and the kid, probably because he is a Waldorf student with a new age mommy, but he's a sports fan, and it's always bothered me how the arty fruity types seem to shun athletics. What is wrong with liking sports? Anyways, the boy is a huge Philadelphia sports fan, and I have fun talking shit with him over Redskins/Eagles rivalry. There was a story at the Armchair Linebacker blog about Donovan McNabb offering his penis as a sausage to a towelboy, but I figured the kid's not old enough for me to corrupt him quite that bad yet. But I feel bad for the kid too, because on offense, this is basically a two-horse show, with McNabb close to the end of his line I would think, at least in Philadelphia. He's still got that Steve McNair in Baltimore or Joe Montana in Kansas City or Warren Moon in Minnesota late career run for potentially another five years, but it's not gonna happen in Philadelphia, because once they realize there's no immediate Super Bowls left in this roster, they will immediately jettison McNabb to the QB retread pile. And it's pretty much been proven that Bryan Westbrook is the oil that makes this team's engine not throw rods from lack of smoothness. But he seems to be gimpier and gimpier each season, which is a drawback to being the only offensive weapon on a team, allowing the defense to gun for you.
#6: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (5-2, 12th overall) - The Pats still be putting it up when they can, Matt Cassel playing toss it up to Randy Moss, and their defense is still old as fuck. They have had a ton of injuries, and to be 5-2 right now either says, yeah, Bill Belichick is a genius, or it says the NFL is fucking a level playing field right now, which will make for scrum city come playoffs. Last year, it was neat seeing the Giants, a lowly wild card team, make a miraculous run, but I don't really want to have that shit every year. I'd like to see teams build themselves up to powerhouses through solid philosophies, and not just have lucky breaks and a couple dudes get hot and they win it all. Then again, the shit is fixed anyways, so right now I'm like some 31-year-old guy in 1985 arguing about how great Ric Flair is and how lucky we are to see him wrestle. Hulk Hogan made more money for others and himself, as will fake ass propped-up Lombardi Trophy hoisters, where an elder statesmen for the team becomes a high profile talking head immediately afterwards ala Jerome Bettis and Michael Strahan. Brady is already seen as a Superman and could probably coast as a wily Joe Montana-ish ol' gunslinger type QB, getting another ring late in his career to solidify his place as a Hall of Famer who can sell tons of Mitchell & Von Dutch authenticated jerseys with holographic pricetags for decades to come and come and come.
#7: MIAMI DOLPHINS (3-4, 21st overall) - Big Bill Tuna revitalize Dolphins no more reverse perfection challenges. Tony Soprano coach with Tuna shoot Big Pussy Zach Thomas to stupid Dallas where hick owner think, “HAHAHAHA! Me so smart! First find rich goop in ground and then own team full of speedy negroes! Fuck Bill Tuna! He no smart like me!” Chad Pennington sound like ‘80s jock QB who get cheerleader and drive convertible from dad’s business, but throw like cunning gimp. Somehow, Dolphins not get first pick next year. Amazingness.
#8: NEW YORK JETS (4-3, 25th overall) - I am in a fantastical foozball league with 20 teams, which means there ain’t shit to pick up off waivers. My auto-draft did good in some aspects, but sucked it up in others. When it comes to QBs, I am pretty much fucked, because I’m completely hitched to Brett Favre’s punk ass. The one week he threw like 19 touchdowns against the Cardinals, it worked good, but every other week, it’s so hit or miss with him. I did snake Kerry Collins off the scrap pile pre-emptively after he filled in that first week, so he’s my back-up. But Collins doesn’t really do shit except hand the ball off and try not to throw interceptions. The Titans pass just enough to make running not seem completely inevitable on every play. I can’t even remember who my original other QB was, but he is long gone now. Oh yeah, it was Jon Kitna. For fantastic football purposes, Jon Kitna was actually pretty damned good. Lucky for the world, for-real games aren’t decided by just heaving the ball downfield and hoping you end up with more yards than anyone else. The Jets might actually be halfway decent if they, you know, ran the ball. Every time I see a highlight, seems like it’s Leon Washington (most 1978 black guy name in football right now, for what it’s worth). You’d think they’d try to run behind all those overpaid offensive line goons they have instead of just letting the Ol’ Gunslinger stand back there and play Nerf.
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