This is the opposite end of the spectrum of that last payroll per victory for Major League Baseball teams thing that I put up a while back. I had meant to be more immediate with this, but hey, often times regular life interrupts my own ridiculous internal nerdery. It is a great source of frustration, as I'd like nothing better than to sit around and waste my body completely letting my mind wander through useless date. But no, I have to go do shit all the time. Anyways, this list is of teams that had the lowest amount of payroll per regular season (and postseason when applicable) victories they achieved.
#1: Florida Marlins ($259,660.71 per victory) - Ever since Wayne Huizenga gutted this team after that first World Series, they’ve consistently been in one of the top three or four spots when I do this. Their payroll this year was almost half of the next lowest team, and they still competed well enough. It makes me wish the AL and NL were separate leagues in more than just having a DH, so that the NL could institute salary caps for their teams, and let the Yankees and Red Sox continue driving the cost of doing baseball up ridiculously high in the AL.
#2: Tampa Bay Rays ($417,339.02 per victory) - Your shocking AL champions, who upset the glorious kingdoms of Boston and New York to win the AL East and make it all the way through to the World Series. They signed a couple of their previously unknown budding superstars (namely Evan Longoria, who is gay married to Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs) to healthy contracts, meaning they will be doomed in two years kind of like how the Detroit Tigers fucked themselves up. Basically, the entire league other than the Yankees and Red Sox should just play like they are a Triple-A farm club for those two teams, and never think long-term beyond "how many hot prospects can I get for dumping this guy off before his contract expires?"
#3: Oakland Athletics ($639,561.68 per victory) - Billy Beanball continues to make fiscal sense, even if the A's are completely irrelevant. At least they don’t have an Eastern European’s gross national product wrapped up in Barry Zito and Randy Johnson though, like their crosstown franchise the Giants do.
#4: Minnesota Twins ($646,963.25 per victory) - I’ve never actually been to Minnesota so I can’t be sure it actually exists, because the internet lies about all types of shit. Minnesota might be like the Israeli CIA videotaping 9/11 from New Jersey and Bigfoot’s remains in Georgia for all I know.
#5: Pittsburgh Pirates ($726,713.18 per victory) - My only knowledge of the Pirates this past year is somehow they sent Jason Bey to the Red Sox, who sent Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers, who sent like an autographed picture of Tommy Lasorda to the Pirates. Also, Dock Ellis died, who I always thought was a white dude since he claimed he pitched a no-hitter on acid, and I normally assume people who do acid are white, especially if they pitch no-hitters in Major League Baseball. Black people usually play centerfield when they’re young and left field when they’re old, or third base in baseball, unless they are Hispanic black people. I think I’ve always assumed the person I’ve seen who is Bill “Spaceman” Lee, or maybe Tug McGraw’s crazy brother, was actually Dock Ellis. But apparently I was wrong about all that because I saw a scan of a baseball card inside The Secret Clubhouse where Dock Ellis was a black guy.
#6: Kansas City Royals ($776,606.67 per victory) - Why the fuck they don’t have purple uniforms, I’ll never understand, although I’m sure there are plenty of ghetto-fabulous stores in the run-down mall on the south end of town that sell purple Royals hats, as well as plaid ones, lime green ones, black ones, and grey ones with the KC embroidery in a barely different shade of grey.
#7: Arizona Diamondbacks ($807,350.15 per victory) - Sadly, this team, as far as I can remember, is the one that started the tank top jerseys over top of practice shirt trend in baseball, which somehow, despite all the odds, made baseball players look even gayer in a “I called it gay because it’s stupid” sense than previously thought possible. Apologies to Wanda Sykes.
#8: Texas Rangers ($857,118.05 per victory) - Chuck Norris can spinkick four motherfuckers unconscious at once. He still couldn’t beat Billy Jack. That’s why Billy Jack was framed and put in jail. Billy Jack’s real name? Leonard Peltier. Now you know the rest of the story.
#9: Milwaukee Brewers ($889,423.07 per victory) - They worked C.C. Sabathia like a little league team with one good pitcher, and still didn’t do shit to be proud of. Prince Fielder is the greatest name in pro baseball though, since I’ve become tired of Coco Crisp. You know how you can tell baseball is a weak sport? No converted black muslim names in baseball. Baseball even went further in the opposite direction, with converted jew Rod Carew. Yes, in my mind, muslim and jewish are opposite, and muslim is cooler because the Poor Righteous Teachers weren’t jewish. Wait a second... they were on that Haile Selassie kick. I think that might be black jew religiousness. Still, naming your son Prince is high style, although were I to have had a son, we were gonna name him Mountain, but I probably would’ve just called him “Crunch” which is the proper form of Crunchy.
#10: Colorado Rockies ($927,777.03 per victory) - A little known fact is that Denver was awarded an expansion franchise when John Elway beat Burt Reynolds in a bet as to who could carry an urn full of Jackie Gleason’s ashes to Miami to pick up Paul Williams and bring him back to Denver to karoake sing Freddie Mercury songs at the private members only gay bar Elway and Reynolds both hang out at. Burt got Jeff Gordon to drive for him, but Elway, hip to the younger set through him having “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. as a ringtone on his iPhone, got Carl Edwards to drive for him. Carl was hungrier, as Jeff Gordon is highly dedicated to his beard of a trophy wife. After winning, Elway showed Burt Reynolds how Carl Edwards mouth is big enough to fit two penises at once.
#11: Washington Nationals ($931,542.37 per victory) - And they bought my heart, by having the wacky menagerie of fuck-ups they have, all at once.
#12: Philadelphia Phillies ($954,076.50 per victory) - I think in the five or six years I’ve tabulated this thing, this is the first time that both participants of the World Series made the lowest payroll per victory list. I am always glad to see Philadelphia win something, because you look at Boston, basically a bunch of dirtbag white people muddied by Mediterranean blood, and they start winning world titles in American sports leagues, and they become spoiled. Philly people, although also muddied up, are alcoholic enough deep down in their genetics to be retarded like soccer fans about success. Like if soccer was actually popular in America, Philadelphia would be the best place to go see the big soccer games if you wanted to see people catch on fire in the stands.
#13: Cleveland Indians ($974,939.09 per victory) - Cleveland is a hopeless sports town, which is why they put up giant posters of Lebron all over downtown, because he was their ticket to success. Except he’s gotten too big for his baggy britches and is already angling to go to NYC, because if he can become a ridiculously wealthy black man there, he can be a ridiculously wealthy black man everywhere.
#14: Baltimore Orioles ($988,180.09 per victory) - Honestly, I couldn’t name you one Orioles player. I am, however, of the hope that everybody takes to calling them just the O’s, and the rest of the word is forgotten in ten years time. Orioles are one of the meanest, dirtiest, little birds you will ever see. I can’t put BBs in them enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment