Football season is almost upon us again, the professional variety, and I will again endeavor to over-indulge in self-importance and share my long-winded, misery-steeped opinions on the grand ol' game of the egg. Besides, I haven't been doing much else lately. I've dug long and hard through my Lindy's Pro Football magazine, making note of a bunch of stupid little fucking things that I will share with you in the coming weeks. Basically, even though I should probably be dedicating myself to making them dollars, I'm gonna shoot for the weekly update every Wednesday night, so you fools can amuse yourself at work or whatever and get geeked up for fucking football like any good American suck ass should.
I have some half-retarded, half-mathematical way I rank the teams, basically starting with their Vegas odds to win the Super Bowl, and from there, goes up or down according to whether they win or lose, and to who, and whether on the road or at home. What I'm saying is it's straight nerdery, so I wash my hands of it if there's minor ordering problems, like whoever should be #2 is #4 or whatever. Fuck all that noise. But I'm also not nerded out enough to explain it in detail, especially since it's pretty minor league when it comes to internet math nerd formulas. I didn't even have to bust out algebra or scientific calculators or nothing like that. Straight up marks on notebook paper or die is what I say.
Anyways, during preseason, I'm gonna do team previews, starting with the shit and move towards the cream, so to speak, and run you through a bunch of useless bullshit that will probably make you laugh and entertain you but really has absolutely zero value whatsoever in the grand scheme of things. So I figured in this pre-preseason week, I'd bust out an explanation of the impending team profiles, like I did last year. And basically it's the same, but different. So I'll run you through the data as it'll be datalyzed...
PERTINENT DATA: Very simple, I drop last year’s record all parenthesizered, where they finished in their division, any playofff bullshit if applicable, and the Vegas odds for them to win the Super Bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION OF THE TEAM: Just what be in my head as exemplifying what the fuck the individual franchise means to me in my brain, which isn’t always a well-trimmed backyard, if you get my drift.
FRESH INJECTION: This will be a new face that will alter the course of this team’s history, I guess. I mean I know it’ll be a new dude, but the altering team history is the “I guess” because really for a lot of teams, shit don’t change.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Dude, it’s the soul of the team, the dude that makes their blood flow with a passion to score more points than the other teams in a strange game with an oblong ball made of leather that you have very arbitrary rules of how you can move it forwards and backwards and if you break them old guys throw yellow kerchiefs at you that are weighted down with beanbags.
TEAM ASS: Look, I’ll be honest as fuck... I’m a hardcore Redskins fan, so when I pick the team ass of a lot of teams, it’ll probably be because of stupid personal vendettas that make no sense. Which is fine, because this is my shit. You might not even exist as far as I know.
TRENDSETTER: The future of this franchise will be steered by this individual, again, I guess. Who really knows with this shit? Basically, I know as much as them dumbasses on the talk radio squawkbox or on the TV sports barrages, but I’m here to tell you no one really knows shit. Last year, the Patriots were gonna win it all. First game, Tom Brady knee snap, they’re fucked. Next thing you know, Matt Cassell is Undercover Jesus and it’s all good and they look respectable but don’t make the playoffs. Now Brady is back and... wait, what the fuck is this, the NFL or WWF?
TEAM ELDER: This shall be the player on the roster who has been on that roster for the longest time. Not necessarily the oldest dude on the team, but the dude with the longest term of continous service at the team he is at. It’s amazing how short it is a lot of times, in this era of free agency.
THE RUDY: I will attempt to make this an undrafted college free agent who has stayed on the team he first tried out for, earning a spot, probably from special teams play, and perhaps parlaying that into an eventual starting role a few years down the line. Really, with basketball having such limited rosters and baseball being a clusterfuck of minor league dues paying, the pro football Rudy is the one place where a guy could be driving a UPS truck one month and then playing on Sunday Night Football in a prominent role the next. And to be honest, I’ve never seen that Rudy flick, mostly because I hate Notre Dame, and plus I hate white people that feel good about everything. If like Rudy made the team and celebrated with a sorority slut but then ended up giving genital warts to his childhood sweetheart who I bet was in the movie helping him have confidence and they had a baby that was jaundiced because of all this somehow, so Rudy had to quit the team to work in a paper mill to get health insurance (they used to do that back then at jobs), then I might’ve watched the flick, but probably not even then, mostly because Rudy sounds stupid.
FORMER TROJAN: Previous years, I’ve always done the former Hurricane from the U (of Miami, in Florida), but they’ve fallen on hard times and don’t get the NFL draft dominance like they used to. Pete Carroll’s USC Trojans do that now, in the ugliest ass uniforms ever, so I’m switching gears this year. Roll with it.
VIRGINIA BOY: I am very proud to be from Virginia. You know why? Because I was born here. Home pride is some funny shit because the thinking is, “Well, I was born here so it must be awesome, right?” So I’ll highlight the dude best repping my home state’s college football mediocrity in the NFL.
THE WILD SAMOAN: The Polynesian islands are the future of football because they’re not confined by our pathetic high school football rules where you can only play and practice a tiny part of the year. Samoans motherfuckers play year round, on fields pockmarked with lava rocks, and college football is their ticket off the island and out of the sugar cane factory. Plus them dudes are big as fuck, naturally, from all the pineapples and Spam in their diet. They are the new wave of football burliness, and I look forward to Lofa Tutupu committing a hostile takeover of some west coast team, declaring himself the GM, and making it an all-Samoan team that does that crazy war dance like the rugby team before kickoffs.
THE ICKY: Named after Icky Woods (who might’ve been Ickey for all I care), and given to the guy on a team with the wackiest name, by my very simple-minded standards.
THE INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: A variation on the Icky, but about a dude whose name sounds like he would’ve kicked it with Rockefeller and Hearst drinking the blood of poor at ultra-secret Illuminati meetings, smoking rare hash through the skull of Crazy Horse.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: I will pretend I know what I’m talking about, and that you care, and predict what spot in their division they’ll finish and any postseason possibilities. All of this will be completely wrong by the end of the season, but it’ll give you something to read and me something to think about.
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