RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Thursday, September 17

Stella Artois

AFFORDABILITY: The Stella Artois ain't the cheapest beer around, but we were having visitations from my wife's oldest sister and her fam, and they have money, so I was high rolling it, at least in my mind. Plus, being on anti-can beer kick, the Stella Artois, in 12-pack boxes, was as cheap as any for-real good beer, although sixers were in my "ahem... ahem... I guess I'll get some Yuenglings" range. 3 out of 5. Man, my standards have really switched up since I ain't such an alcoholic who needs to be elbow deep into a 12-pack by 11 pm.
DESTROYABILITY: First night I drank it was in the 24 oz. variety, and mixed in with a tall can of the Kirin Ichiban shit, and I've been eating less and sleeping less and working harder, and that tag team combo of beers put me on tilt for real. Since then, I drank some a couple more nights (this is a long term test), and it gave me the proper tilt on those nights as well, once in some unlounging dude's house, and the other sitting next to an early fall/late summer bonfire underneath a nearly full moon. Motherfuckin' propers to you Ms. Stella Artooey. 5 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: A nice Euro label with red and white prominent and plenty of gold flash. Not gold like Lil Flip's teeth, but classy gold like an Estonian boxer's fillings. Plus Euro words here and there for a touch of international flair, and the upper label wraps over top the blank bottle cap. Most beers, if they want to be tight, spend money for stupid sayings on the bottle caps and spirals and shit like that. Stella Artimissy kicks it with a simple blank cap and extra printed paper, which is probably cheaper, and looks different. More motherfuckin' propers to you Ms. Stella Artooey. 6 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: I think they bought Budweiser didn't they, right before the All American Ale came out back when that big Frankenstein looking dude from Saturday Night Live was doing their commercials? If they did, they can't be that great a corporation for finding a reason to over-profit from an already overprofitable brand. You know, none of this would've happened - Budweiser owned by the Belgiese or Stella Artois at my local Food Lion or 9/11 or nothing - if Dale Earnhardt hadn't died. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I will not front, the Stella Artois has become my favorite beer. I had at some point mistakenly prejudged it as some richboy faggot nonsense, and I can’t even remember why. Maybe somebody unlounging I knew was drinking it or pimping it or something. I can tell you that if I had the money flow going on, this would be my main beer right now, because it gives you a good healthy buzz, feels good in your hand, and the paper wraps on top give you something that occupies nervous fidgeting, and reminds me personally of the bottle’s potential molotov cocktail options. In fact, I wish I had about 11 of these right now and I’d stay up all night listening to Willie Nelson records in my camper, typing nonsense into a cheap ass and virus infected laptop. 12 out of 5.


Anonymous said...

Good Job: Reference to Lil' Flip in a beer review (not the mention Stella)

Wag of the Finder: Dropping the "faggot" bomb in a beer review...

jason said...

Yes! Stella was my favorite beer for years and years, although lately I've gravitated more towards Pilsner Urquell, which you ought to try if you never have; it's about the same price as Stella around Atlanta. Plus every bar around here carries Stella on tap, which is a bonus. Few carry Pilsner Urquell, which is a drag.

If it makes you feel any better, and I think it might, a bartender in Vancouver told me one time that Stella is "the wifebeater beer of Europe".

Raven Mack said...

for clarification, I like gay people way better than wifebeaters.