Budweiser

AFFORDABILITY: It is Budweiser, so in the sense of cheapest beer alive, it is not affordable at all; yet is cheaper than about half the good beers out there. I will never for the life of me understand how Budweiser, being it is cheap ass swill beer, can charge as much for a 12-pack as many on-sale quality beers with pop tops instead of twist-off action. Still, I bought a pair of tall cans with bright red motifs that were cheap as fuck compared to certain aspects of the beer shelf. So I cannot complain that Budweiser is too expensive, especially since my beer tastes have morphed into thinking Yuengling is the cheapest beer I will drank. But still, there is a divide between “cheap” beer and “good” beer, like any good hippie girl will explain to you when there is no weed to be smoked through the bong her friend who is taking a glass blowing class at the community college, and Budweiser is the most expensive “cheap” beer there is, although I know in its own head it likes to pretend it’s the cheapest “good” beer available on the open market. But come on, dudes in trademarked camouflage patterned clothes are never buying actual good beer, so stop fronting. 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: There is a long history in my lifetime of drinking the Budweiser, especially during the early days of dating my wife where we’d split an 18-pack while drinking and driving our way out of the Richmond city limits to where you could see the stars shine and feel your lifeline. But there is a thing about the rice brewing technique that makes for an upset intestinal fortitude the next day, and it brings upon a hungover feeling that most beers would never bring. But, unfortunately, if you go to a public event, hockey game or arena concert or whatever, you’ll have to go out of your way to drink something other than the Budweiser. It is their gangsta ass grip on American capitalism. Thus, I could never support them wholeheartedly, even half-heartedly. And it makes it impossible to drank their beer fast enough to confuse my brain with bloodstream-based delusions. I will fight no more forever. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I bought two tall cans of Budweiser, and one thing I have to give Bud credit for, at least with their main brand, is they keep it fresh. And yet they always have aspects of that basic well-known Budweiser beer can motif. This one is bright red, with the cursive Budweiser logo, and that Anheuser-Busch logo thing with the detailed blue nonsense like on the back side of a deck of cards. From when I was collecting 12-pack boxes, where most beers would hold the same packaging for years, some never changing it, Budweiser would refresh their packaging every couple of months, including special seasonal ones. Seems like since they got bought by the Euros, they've become more concerned with introducing a bunch of wacky side flavors of beer, which I don't understand, but they keep the Budweiser cans fresh-looking. Dare I say, this may be one of the pimpest looking tall cans around, like an NFL team having an alternate dark jersey for a Monday night game, since it's very different from regular Bud cans but very much like it. 5 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: You know their steez... Budweiser used to use Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Willie Nelson to import white slaves from Russia through Israel into criminal prostitution rings based in the West Indies. A dime of every dollar you give to Budweiser's Anhitler-George W. Bush overlords is a dime towards the terminal cancer you will be secretly injected with while voluntarily getting a swine flu vaccination. They were the ones that killed William B. Cooper and suicided Hunter S. Thompson because he was about to expose the Finders child molestation cult from Florida that was creating blogospheric Republican monarch slave sensations and was involved in the Jon-Benet Ramsey sexual assault/murder. And they brew Budweiser beer, and there you sit, gladly drinking that bullshit, toasting your own impending demise. Oh [ ], why can't you hold more sway over these misguided sheep? 0 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Hey, there is nothing that feels terrible about drinking the Budweiser. It is like voting Republican for President and the guy wins and you are stoked because you did very normal things and were very predictably successful in doing so. You can drink the Budweiser and it is recognizeable and it is normal and it will get you drunk and you will feel American as fuck. Hard to believe only a few short years ago that this was actually still an American beer and Dale Jr. was driving the Budweiser 8 and we hated Arabs and refinanced our homes to get a fat nut to blow on a boat. Now look at us. Yet those capitalist pig German fucks still expect us to not only suck down our Budweiser and traditionally gluttonous American paces, but they're throwing in all this American Ale Golden Wheat Lime Ale bullshit. 2 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 2 STARS!