RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Thursday, December 31

Starr Hill The Love Wheat Beer

AFFORDABILITY: The Starr Hill variety of beers tend to be cheaper around here, at least cheaper to comparable hoity-toity brands of beer, but they also be brewing it locally in Crozet, Virginia, right by where I rent my porns while the kid is in ballet class. The company is owned and jugulated by Coran Capshaw, the music mafia demon who managed The Dave Mathews Band brand of sterilized, homogenized, noodley "jam" music to palatial palatability to suburbia. So I may get this cheaper than you might in your individual neck of the woods, if available at all, but sometimes I've gotten 6-packs that taste foul like they wasn't made right or went bad or something, so I'm not entirely sure they don't ship out the best tested batches, and then sell the rest at a slightly reduced rate locally, figuring local people are so far up Coran Capshaw's ass that they've given him half the city of Charlottesville for next to nothing, let him do whatever he wants, so he could serve them piss water and they'd smile and slap him on his shoulder and go, "Great microbrew Coran. You've certainly done it again, haven't you?" 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: This is a Starr Hill flavor that multiple people whose opinion I would not readily shit upon love, so I tried to give it a fair shot; but the simple fact of the matter is, for me at least, this beer tastes like an ass. You can call it something sweet and put a purty label on it all you want, but it's still an bottle full of ass. And not good ass, like slang for sex, but bad ass, like toddlers in car seats going "EWWWWWWWW" when you ride by a farm spreading pig biosolids on their hay fields in early autumn. 0 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I will say this about this here The Love beer, it has the most beautiful label I've ever seen. My born day is Valentine's, so heart type things make me think of riding around the sun aimlessly yet successfully yet again, and I like thinking about that, especially when it involves presents from other people, preferably liquid presents that alter the way my brain be ticking along. I know Starr Hill shares a workforce with Coran Capshaw's army of minions in other similarly located companies, and most of the time when I look at their labels, I would expect more of their graphic designers, because usually it's pretty stupid. Like, I know every bartender on Earth is a "graphic designer" but you don't have to actually use those people and their limited mental resources for actual graphic design. That's what a lot of Starr Hill things have looked like over the years. So this is a nice exception to that personal rule of how they're going to suck. 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Coran Capshaw = local variety of white devil. We don't have enough 5%ers around here to make people more aware of that, but I'd like to think I'm part of the 10% and not the 85 who don't have a clue, so I'm here to tell you, Coran Capshaw = white devil. 0 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: All in all, this is a limited basis beer, which seems to be a gimmick to trick people yearly into being like, "Oh snap, that's my beer!" about some shit ass beer. Then again, maybe the business practices of Starr Hill locally have caused me to buy some tainted, half-spoiled batches on the cheaper tip. Who knows? The point is, outside of a purty label, there ain't much to this beer other than a purty label. 1 out of 5.

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