Michelob Porter

AFFORDABILITY: Michelob, though I know it's just a cheap ass beer pretending to have it nice, like most of the shit ass suburban enclaves of no more than ten houses in the broke ass rural county I live in, it was boughten by me a couple of times, because I get on these kicks where I'm only gonna buy beers I haven't drank so that I can do reviews. But why? Stupid free internet time-wasting activities eating up my brain's word usage and thus conspiring against myself to fulfill a life of hopeless poverty that I've always felt susceptible to, from birth. But you break it down, it wasn't that bad per bottle, at least not costwise. Although at the same time, it is warm outside, I am feeling trapped by this goddamned button up shirt, and I feel like dranking up a case of Old Milwaukee. Michelob is some bourgoisie gold coin stealing bullshit compared to the O.M. 1 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: It had a nice taste of chocolate for a major brewery, but knowing they are major not minor they probably just squirted fucking Hershey’s cocoa into the batch after it brewed rather than bonafide brewing it in. But it tasted tasty enough for me to drink them in abundance enough to swirl my bloodstream into happiness for a few hours. In fact, I went out to the camper tonight to grab a bag of whole corn to open up and toss to the pigs in their last week of living life, and there were five of those Michelob Porter bottles cluttering up the table. 3 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Michelob Porter label design, and all Michelob beer labels in general, unlike the night, are not kind of special. They are boring. I guess in the American corporate mindframe of branding, they might be getting their target demographics with bland labels featuring cursive lettering, but for the most part I have to assume that demographic is wealthy and milquetoast. 1 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Look, my current job is a top secret deal I can't really talk about, but I have access to medical journals galore, plus I am constantly keeping my finger on the pulse of the lesser well-known conspiracy websites, as the more well-known are just Department of Defense propaganda campaigns anyways (Jeff Rense, Alex Jones, David Icke, John Hinckley, J.D. Salinger... all dudes who cashed DoD/CIA checks on the DL), so I can tell you with a solid heart that the Michelob empire was directly responsible for the creation of Lyme disease on an island off the coast of Lyme, Connecticut, with the help of Brazilian biologists, who were a mutation of Nazi Germany-infused scientific techniques and the abundance of raw materials found in the Amazon. I mean, it's not like a dude named Mortimer Michelob IV actually was holding some serological pipets that they brewed that shit up in or something, but the family Michelob was heavy in the funding of this research with the ultimate goal of creating a biological weapon that could weaken the immune system of the infected, all while causing low grade mental disorder as well. But it backfired (or did it?) and now motherfuckers across America be getting Lyme disease, and the doctors can't help them and sometimes even deny they are sick like they feel they are sick. Madness... pure madness. 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I don't know, there's something that feels semi-skeevy about Michelob beer, even in their new school tiny myriad of flavors. That whole slow singing "tonight is kind of special... Mick a Lobe!" from the TV commercials of my youth just sounds too much like a date rape to me. 2 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 1 & 3/5 STARS!