RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition. He does have an amazing PATREON, but also *normal* ARTIST WEBSITE too.

Monday, March 21

Ponytail Challenge - Pt. 4 of 36

So there was another race yesterday, at one of the good tracks in Bristol, except you know, even if they took it down to one station on free TV, March Madness is far more interesting than Nascar. Why the fuck does Nascar think it smart to be on during college basketball all the way until NFL football? Seriously, the only thing more long and boring than a Nascar race is a Nascar season. Still though, I am going to persevere and write nonsense after each race even if I don't know a damn thing about it, to force my hair-brained Ponytail Challenge onto the world, in the hopes that Nascar can be saved from the PR people and marketing specialists and 439 page demographic analysis manuals.
Kyle Busch won the race, edging out Carl Edwards, and there's some sort of bullshit rivalry between those two. I guess young Kyle Busch is considered by the common corporate marketing scams as Nascar's main asshole. I don't know, he's one of the only ones I don't mind, because he ain't afraid to bump and rub. Carl Edwards looks too much like a baboon crossbred with an insurance salesman for my tastes, and his little Winner's Circle moonsault celebration is played the fuck out.
Bristol is small track racing, which by many is considered the best version of Nascar, but really if you go to actual small tracks, they're even better. I'd love to see Nascar speed cars at a track that tight, and if I could go to one race, it would probably be the second Bristol race of the year. Beyond that, I can't speak much on this week's race because I don't care. Sorry. It was called the Jeff Byrd 500, which is either where they name the race after some regular ass person who won a contest, to make everybody think that they can be famous, or where they name it after some dude who lost a leg in Iraq by getting exploded, to make everybody think that America is awesome.
One thing that has crossed my mind Nascar-related, since the first time I seen one of these things was during a Nascar race, and they always feature Michael Waltrip's goofy closeted self, is those NAPA commercials where big goofy allegedly macho dudes are singing songs in corny twang, but lip-syncing, and it's real over the top and supposed to be great. It is not. They make me want to join Al Qaeda.
Of everybody still in the running in my Ponytail Challenge, everybody but four people raced. One dude, who I forget now, tried to race but did not qualify. There were three guys who did not even try to qualify - old school bastard Terry Labonte, the aforementioned fruitcake Michael Waltrip, and some dude named Brian Keselowski. There is another dude named Brad Keselowski, so I am forced by ignorance to assume that Brian is the evil twin version of Brad, or vice versa. Anyways, being from previous races, Labonte and Waltrip have more points thus are higher in the year-long points standings thus far, Brian Keselowski is eliminated, and finishes 40th in this year's Nascar Ponytail Challenge. I do not have a problem with this because he is part of some new-fangled family full of clean-cut drivers. If his name was Brian Bodine or Brian Allison or he had a nickname that was some sort of insect, I would not mind him so much. As it is though, fuck him.
PREVIOUS ELIMINATIONS: 41st: Steve Wallace (did not race in Kobalt Tools 400), 42nd: Robert Richardson Jr. (did not race in Subway Fit 500), 43rd: J.J. Yeley (finished last in Daytona 500).

1 comment:

ben said...

You writing shit like this is exactly why the internet was created.