RAVEN MACK is a mystic poet-philosopher-artist of the Greater Appalachian unorthodox tradition who publishes zines & physical books & electronic books & music & photography & digital art & just generally whatever feels necessary to survive this deluded earth thru Rojonekku Word Fighting Arts survival systems (Version 69, establish 14 Feb 1973). Comments encouraged.

Friday, June 10

J.J. Krupert Top 13 Countdown - May '11 #11: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne


I am a research scientist so since everybody knows that Ozzy is Ozzy and this is like the ultimate Ozzy song (hence it's inclusion on Ultimate Ozzy), I figured I'd share some scientific data with you as it relates to this song. The first time I smoked weed, I was 12. The year before I had taken a copy of Blizzard of Ozz on vinyl from my uncles. That album was 17% responsible for me smoking weed for the first time. (A lot of it I learned from watching my dad though, just like that commercial.) Randy Rhoads had a short career being awesome for Ozzy (which, judging by Zakk Wylde's full career discography thus far, is probably not such a bad thing) and is, when scientifically analyzed through audio software, the 3rd highest-shredding guitarist ever (behind only Mick Ronson and Yngwie Malmsteen). Had he played in Slayer, they would have been 7% more awesome than they already were. Had he played in Metallica, and lived, current Metallica would be 19% more awesome here and now. However, the addition of Rhoads to early Metallica would decrease the effects of Cliff Burton, which would actually negate that 19% increase in the here and now by 22%, meaning they actually would have been less great in the long run had Rhoads been in the band the same time Cliff Burton was. If Randy Rhoads was still alive, there's a 6 in 7 chance he'd have a beard, and a 3 in 5 chance he'd perform onstage in camouflage shorts. If Randy Rhoads had not died, Ozzy would have had continued his most intense periods of drug abuse for an additional four years, which combined with Rhoads' presence, would have contributed to three more albums that would have fallen somewhere between Blizzard of Ozz and The Ultimate Sin in how great they were. (That is an amazing stat, by the way.) "Crazy Train" the song causes roughly around 17 people a day to headbutt something (though that figure is skewed towards the end of the calendar week: Sun=13.6 - mostly after midnight early Sunday morning; Mon=11.2, Tues=8.1, Wed=8.4, Thur=17.3, Fri=29.8, Sat=30.6). Because of this, "Crazy Train" is the cause of around 419 mild traumatic brain injuries (TBIs) annually, and around 17 severe TBI per year. Though "Suicide Solution" off the same LP had that famous court case where some dude killed himself because of it, and is a song about alcohol abuse, in the course of listening to this classic Ozzy album, more alcohol is drank to "Crazy Train" than any other song (seconded by "Goodbye to Romance"). In the average driver, when in open driving conditions without physical impedances, they will speed up an average of 11 mph when this song starts, then level off to about 6 mph faster after the initial rush. This is done regardless of legal limitations, so long as a police presence is not noted. Relatedly, criminals in stolen cars running from the cops are 7 times more likely to attempt to stop the car and run on foot through urban or rural wilderness to escape the cops when they've been listening to this song. No other popular music comes close to increasing that, not even gangsta rap. "Crazy Train" has been played at 19 actual funerals since 1987, 18 of which were tragic accidental deaths involving vehicles of men between the ages of 15 and 24. The other was a guy who died in the first Desert Storm. If you play "Crazy Train" backwards, no obvious messages can be noted, but if you take 200 mg of painkillers, it sounds 12% more interesting than without the influence of them. If you take 400 mg of painkillers, it's 39% more interesting than without, and 800 mg = 86% more interesting than without. A hipster dumbass is 123 times more likely to draw OZZY on his fingers in a sharpie as a Halloween costume than a dirtbag redneck kid is to use a jailhouse tattooing rig to actually tattoo it on his fingers. OZZY finger tattoos are covered up in various ways, but the O is turned into a weird little skull of some sort 73% of the time. The Y is turned into a guitar 61% of the time. People under the age of 25 from families with a household income over $40,000 identify Ozzy Osbourne as a "reality TV star" instead of "musician" 84.1% of the time. People under the age of 25 from families with a household income below $40,000 identify him as a "reality TV star" only 41.3% of the time, and as a musician 47.9%. Eliminate all races except white and Hispanic, and the musician identification goes up to 63.4% of the time.
(I've got notecards stacked up in the second drawer of my desk at home that have sources and documentation and study parameters if you need them. Beware of the dog.)
STEAL "Crazy Train"
NEXT:
I can't believe they killed Jack Nicholson, and then I can't believe Captain America and Billy the Kid just left him there!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is it horrid that my favorite Ozzy song is "Shot in the Dark"?

Raven Mack said...

not at all. ozzy was kind enough to provide an expansive catalog of songs to appease all of us.