25-Man Metaphysical Roster: West Ham United F.C.

[West Ham players fighting with West Ham supporters, on

the pitch, earlier this season, lolol]

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

Wow, West Ham was a fucking mess, with supporters getting old school and rushing the pitch and trying to stab people with corner flags and shit. Would’ve really liked to write about that but whatever. Also nice to see Chicharito quietly back in England. BRING HIM TO AMERICA! No blurbs.

#1: Aaron Cresswall (up from #3 last time West Ham was 25-Manned on 01-Jun-2017)

#2: Cheikhou Kouyate (down from #1 last time)

#3: Angelo Ogbonna (up from #7 last time)

#4: Manuel Lanzini (up from #6 last time)

#5: Mark Noble (down from #2 last time)

#6: Winston Reid (down from #5 last time)

#7: Pedro Obiang (up from #10 last time)

#8: Michail Antonio (down from #4 last time)

#9: Pablo Zabaleta (previously #19 for Manchester United on 15-Nov-2017)

#10: Adrian (up from #11 last time)

#11: Arthur Masuaku (up from #20 last time)

#12: Andre Ayew (up from #16 last time)

#13: James Collins (down from #12 last time)

#14: Marko Arnautovic (previously #2 for Stoke City on 01-Jul-2017)

#15: Joe Hart

#16: Andy Carroll (down from #13 last time)

#17: Javier Hernandez

#18: Sam Byram (down from #14 last time)

#19: Jose Fonte (down from #15 last time, also previously #12 for Southampton on 01-Aug-2017)

#20: Edimilson Fernandes (down from #18 last time)

#21: Darren Randolph (down from #8 last time)

#22: Declan Rice

#23: Dmitri Payet

#24: Sofiane Feghouli (down from #17 last time)

#25: Joao Mario