25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Burnley F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This would’ve been Burnley’s run-through on March 15, 2019.

#1: JACK CORK (up from #7 last time Burnley was metaphysically ranked on 15-Apr-2018; thus also his FIRST METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: BEN MEE (down from #1 last time)

#3: JAMES TARKOWSKI (up from #9 last time)

#4: CHARLIE TAYLOR (up from #22 last time)

#5: JEFF HENDRICK (down from #3 last time)

#6: ASHLEY BARNES (down from #5 last time)

#7: ASHLEY WESTWOOD (up from #19 last time)

#8: JOHANN GUDMUNDSSON (same as last time)

#9: CHRIS WOOD (up from #20 last time)

#10: MATTHEW LOWTON (down from #4 last time)

#11: PHIL BARDSLEY (up from #21 last time; also previously ranked #24 for Stoke City on 01-May-2018)

#12: STEPHEN WARD (down from #2 last time)

#13: AARON LENNON (up from #24 last time; also previously ranked #23 for Everton on 01-Aug-2018)

#14: KEVIN LONG (up from #17 last time)

#15: NICK POPE (down from #6 last time)

#16: SAM VOKES (down from #12 last time)

#17: JOE HART (previously ranked #20 for West Ham United on 01-Mar-2019)

#18: TOM HEATON (down from #13 last time)

#19: STEVEN DEFOUR (down from #11 last time)

#20: DWIGHT MCNEIL

#21: ROBBIE BRADY (down from #16 last time)

#22: SCOTT ARFIELD (down from #10 last time)

#23: MATEJ VYDRA

#24: BEN GIBSON (previously ranked #1 for Middlesbrough on 01-Apr-2017)

#25: GEORGE BOYD (down from #15 last time)