The "The Ghetto's Been Good to Me" single is a great single, but there's a fonta leaf remix featuring some dude named Terminator who does a really generic ragga hook over it, and that with the Trackmasterz beat slowed down, I could sit out in the camper, cut the red light on overhead, and just listen to that shit like a thousand times in a row. And really, I don't have anything better to do half the time. I'm self-employed, which tends to be more self-unemployed this time of year, but hey, like Kurtis Blow once said, it's like that and that's the way it, the breaks that is. YZ was awesome early 5% crazy fucker, and then Treach from Naughty by Nature punked him out of a chain or hatchet he carried around or some crazy shit that would only happen in the middle school era of early '90s hip hop. That's why Latifah made "U.N.I.T.Y." All this shit ties together, like a fabric, because it's a part of the fabric of America now, a really fresh quilted leather piece of fabric, with like that furry lining from bomber jackets on the edge.
Thursday, January 11
#78 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: The Ghetto's Been Good To Me
The "The Ghetto's Been Good to Me" single is a great single, but there's a fonta leaf remix featuring some dude named Terminator who does a really generic ragga hook over it, and that with the Trackmasterz beat slowed down, I could sit out in the camper, cut the red light on overhead, and just listen to that shit like a thousand times in a row. And really, I don't have anything better to do half the time. I'm self-employed, which tends to be more self-unemployed this time of year, but hey, like Kurtis Blow once said, it's like that and that's the way it, the breaks that is. YZ was awesome early 5% crazy fucker, and then Treach from Naughty by Nature punked him out of a chain or hatchet he carried around or some crazy shit that would only happen in the middle school era of early '90s hip hop. That's why Latifah made "U.N.I.T.Y." All this shit ties together, like a fabric, because it's a part of the fabric of America now, a really fresh quilted leather piece of fabric, with like that furry lining from bomber jackets on the edge.
#24 RAP TAPES: Intoxicated Demons
This to me, and I may be one of the few, is one of the all-time great motherfuckin' drunken not-give-a-fuck classics of hip hop. Everybody was either so gangsta or so smooth at this point, and here comes Psycho Les, Juju, and that other dude I can't remember right now (fuck google searching, you probably know that shit anyways, and if you don't, it's not important), they were crazy with a touch of humor and did their own beats which were the sickest horn blast shit you could imagine, even at a time when it seemed Premier and Pete Rock had locked down horn-based beats. Haha, I said locked down. "Psycho Dwarf" is the greatest rock-n-roll song of the '90s, in my opinion, and if you've never heard it, then fuck you silly bitch, why don't you go download some Modest Mouse or John Mayer or some other sensitive whiny bullshit and leave the rock-n-roll to the grown folks who like tall cans and fat joints and stealing looks at big titties almost hanging out one of those fucked-up Indian lady blouses. If you download it, it's not like you're gonna actually suddenly be the type to go out and fuck, drink some beer, and smoke some shit; you'll just listen to it and think, with a Woody Allen voice, or maybe like Rep. Clay Davis, "Hey, this is some neat shit. The Beatnuts have always been great. I think I'll go drink two or three Rolling Rocks tonight." Fuckin' bitches.
Wednesday, January 10
#79 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Suckas Need Bodyguards
Premier instrumentals on vinyl is always good. B-side is "The ? Remains", also a good song. I don't know, the older I get, the more I think Gang Starr may have been the most consistent rap group ever. I wish I had a Gang Starr baseball hat from the Goodwill instead of an EPMD one. Somewhere, probably in a pile that's been stepped on by workboots, so it's probably already crushed into pieces, I have a mixtape I made with nothing but 45 minutes of Premier instrumentals on one side, and nothing but 45 minutes of Black Sabbath songs on the other. If I ruined it or lost it, you can never recreate shit like that, because it never works the second time like it did the first. That's the beauty of mixtapes. I listened to some 800 songs in 48 minutes mix of hip hop from 1979 to now today that I had downloaded on the robot machine, and man, did it suck. You know not only dude not only have all that shit on vinyl, or even CD would be alright enough I guess, but some of the shit he probably never even listened to all the way through. Robot love man, robot love. The age of the tinkerbell beats and hip hop podcasts. Feels like I ought to be somebody's grandpa by now.
#25 RAP TAPES: Resurrection
Ahh, back when Common still had some Sense and had yet to be thrown off the mountain by Muhammad for making everybody too aware of AIDS, which Muhammad created to kill off people who dress like Theo Huxtable's jazz-major friends from college. Funny how times change, because I sort of cringe most of the time when I see Common nowadays, because his style is predictable and I can guess exactly how he's going to rhyme and how it's going to make me feel. But Resurrection, at that point, was my favorite tape ever. Seriously, his lyrical style, at that time, was completely amazing to me, and it was on this record, because I remember having that "Brother, Can You Spare a Dollar" tape or whatever, and thinking it sucked, but then Rap City had the video for "Soul by the Pound" which was awesome. I boughted the single, and the album version sucked, but the remix, which was the video, was double-tough and super-duper, as us white people used to describe killer shit back then. Resurrection is still, when I listen to it, one of those great tapes that shifted how I thought about writing the wack-ass shit I write... thinking back to driving the Mexicans to work at shitty Creative Contracting in my stupid girlfriend's stupid Subaru stationwagon with that "VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS" bumper sticker she thought was so high-lariously clever, bumping this shit till it broke both her back speakers. I think I'm gonna play this tape again right now, motherfucker, Muhammad be damned.
Tuesday, January 9
#80 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Gotta Get Over
You know, with the rise of screwed and chopped shit, I'm surprised nobody's gone back to the boom bap era or older rap and made classic NYC shit screwed and chopped. And I don't mean just quick remixes of classic albums done with computerdora programs, but bonafide mixes, like DJs used to work at and plot out, although I guess Screw never really did since he put out like one mixtape every couple of days at one point. But thinking on this, I was thinking of a good screwed and chopped mixes of Pete Rock beats shit and DJ Premier shit. This Gang Starr single is one of like seven I still have, this song off the Trespass record, but the real treat, as usual, is the B-side, with album and instrumental version of "Flip the Script", which is off Daily Operation, which I'll tell you, if you're some dumbass who accidentally still reads this, and you think of yourself as a hip hop aficionado, I would consider this one of the all-time classics ever, maybe my favorite hip hop tape that's ever been made. Premier and Guru were the ultimate partnership, and I've heard it said that Guru never would've been anything without Premier, but I find that hard to believe. I doubt he would've ever been what he was without Premier's beats, but it was Guru's voice that helped establish Premo as the king of beats as well. This single must've matched up against some killer shit to finish so low in this stupid thing.
#26 RAP TAPES: Power
Power was my favorite shit ever at one point back in high school. "Girls L.G.B.N.A.F." and "Soul on Ice" and of course "Power" and "High Rollers", that was some different nonsense than rap had regularly back then, at least for a kid stuck in the eastern half of the world where, even in shitty little Farmville, Virginia, to be like New York was to be the ultimate. As time has passed, I'd say Ice-T's first record is easily my favorite, start to finish, and Power sort of annoys me at times, not standing the test of time of all, some of it is still great as shit. Actually, the goofy song I wrote last year called "The Horseshoe Hustler" which led to me getting "LOUNGIN'" tattooed across my beer belly, the style of that song was sort of created one week when I was listening to "Soul on Ice" like three times a day. I dig that slow story Rudy Ray Moore but not so corny style of rapping at times... it allows you to make thicker points and it's easy for a whiteboy's ear to follow as well. You know we can't understand all that jibba jabba shit.
Thursday, January 4
#81 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Latin Lingo
You'd figure Muggs' twangy mind-pluck beats and B-Real's nasal voice would sound good on the syrupped out tip, but not so much. I think it's already tailor-made for stonerdom, so by slowing it down you overtweak the shit. This is a great single though because the B-side has a giant "Stoned is the Way of the Walk" remix where Muggs just plays a bunch of vocal samples about smoking the weed. That's a great party track there, because I don't know if you ever noticed, but at parties, people be smoking weed usually. Maybe not out in the open, especially if there's kids running around and shit, or parents and shit, but maybe upstairs in the back bedroom or out in the woods or over in the camper or somewhere. When I was in seventh grade, my science teacher used to be married to a dude my dad would smoke weed with, so I knew she smoked too. She made me stay after class early on in the year to make sure I'd play it cool on that tip, not telling everybody else in the class and shit. No problem I assured her, because she was hot in a Van Halen song type way, so I could use this shit to my benefit and take it to the otha level of the game, which in seventh grade meant we flirted with each other and I'd look down her blouse at her desk without giving a fuck if she caught me looking and she'd smile. Too bad she wasn't my tenth grade science teacher.
#27 RAP TAPES: Sleeping With The Enemy
Mad flaws in my methods, because I have no idea how this ended up so high. I guess maybe I was tricked by the funk beats combined with angst-ridden pseudo-revolution lyrics. Fuckin' Son Dooby of Funkdoobiest is on this thing, getting all politico. I guess that's one of the great things about the internet... it has made revolution or shooting presidents seem so played out and coffeehouse-esque, so that we'll take whatever bullshit comes our way and not really get too upsetted by it, so long as there's porn and free music and shit to keep us occupational. I mean, fuck, we're in some fuckin' war that nobody, especially me, gives a fuck about, have dudes in control who are about as corrupt as we've probably seen in maybe forever, at least outwardly and obviously so, and no one gives a shit. Even if people start talking about that crap to me, I'm all rolling my eyes and trying to brush them away. And now motherfuckers are already running for President in like two years. Paris assassinating Barack Obama on wax, that's some shit I could wrap my head around. All these fake change bitches running around and shit. I bet there's some really killer Cuban rap we never get to hear because of embargos. Cuba's got tons of broke-ass black motherfuckers, and plus they speak Spanish, so you know they're doing some fly shit. I saw a PBS thing about the rappitty music years ago, and Paris had talked about going to Cuba and what a beautiful place it was. And shit, you've got to give ol' Castro credit, if you're a baby to be born, you're less likely to die there than most places. And if you're an old fucker, you're more likely to be able to read than most places. Castro might actually be dead right now and still be the President of Cuba, with big murals of his grill all over Havana. That's some fly shit. Fuck Bill Gates, I wanna be Castro rich.
Wednesday, January 3
#82 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Carpenter
If ever there was a place I could sit on an alley-scored couch and listen to some dude screw and chop old Mad Lion singles while we got high, that would be a great place. The "New York" b-side is a little bit better of a song than "Carpenter", but damn, the greatest thing about ragga in the early to mid '90s was how goddamned ridiculously catchy the hooks could be, like in "Carpenter".
#28 RAP TAPES: The Beatnuts
Also known as Street Level, this tape was probably the one tape that I realized I had slept the hardest on from originally having owned it. The Intoxicated Demons EP that they first put out is a soundtrack to tall cans of Hurricane and soaking in the Friday afternoon vibe of downtown Richmond on Broad Street, thumbing through stacks of new singles at Willie's (R.I.P. - greatest record store ever in Richmond), and just generally being young, carefree, careless, and wide open within the confined spaces of an urban life. So I guess this tape, their first full-length release, kinda fell to the wayside of my listening habits, just because I loved on that first one so hard. You know, the Beatnuts may be one of the most solid rap groups ever, because they've constantly put out good shit for a coon's age and a half, and even when they fell off, it was more of a waver rather than the big fall-off we've all seen from shits like Fat Joe. Who the fuck am I talking to with this "we" bullshit? Ain't nobody here. BEATNUTS FOREVER DIE HARD MOTHERFUCKER! BERSERKER! BEND YOUR GIRL LIKE COMMA! BERSERKER!
Thursday, December 28
Confederate Mack Issue 52 Hype!
Got this issue back a few weeks back, just never gave a fuck about a stupid-assed blog for a minute. But here's the rundown on this issue - a pretty funny old school style zine. I think there's another hot on the heels of this one - the end-of-summer high productivity mode out in the camper. You can get this shit, sometimes, for sending wacky awesome shit to my PO Box 569, Scottsville, VA 24590. And some folks I need to mail shit to for a while now, but seriously, fuck a post office and their tiny little windows of operation in a rural-ass town. Here's what's in this stupid issue #52 though fool...
CONFEDERATE MACK ISSUE 52 INTRO SPIEL - Self-explanatory, where I pretend you care what I'm thinking.
METALHEADS WHO SMOKE MAD WEED - In defense of stoner metalheads, who seem to be losing the battle for the soul of metal music to ironic metalheads. Shop class metalheads will always and forever make more sense to me than art school metalheads. Most of this stemmed from me getting baked at a Slayer/Lamb of God show in Cleveland.
SOMETHING THAT MADE ME SAD - In memory of blunt tobacco, gone to waste.
NOW I'M IN THE LIMELIGHT BECAUSE I RHYME TIGHT - Complaining about faggot emo-indy rappers wearing like 19 t-shirts at a time.
LOUNGE LIKE YOU MEAN IT - On some ancient shit, by robot nerd chronology.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS 2006 - Ah, another year full of sad diatribes and wishes for helicopters crashes into the Potomac.
MEL GIBSON - WHORE OF ZION - How Mel Gibson wasn't really against Jews but working for Jews to take attention off of sneaky Jewery going on elsewhere in the World.
NELLY, FEATURING PAUL WALL AND BIG GIPP - Speaking upon grills aka grilles aka grillz.
NEW QUOTE CITY - Things I hearded people say or talk of in my IRL that made laugh all like LOL, but silently inward style so that nobody got all angrily ANFMF on me.
GPS KNOCKIN' ON YOUR FRONT DOOR - Paranoid ramblings about how their doing a front door census of GPS coordinates for every inhabited structure in America. No shit.
SAVING THE UNSAVED - More conspiratorial ramblings, about bitch-ass liberals trying to give dirty Africans computers being just like missionary Christians in essence.
THE SHITTIEST TOWN I EVER LAID TIRE GRIT UPON - Weirton, West Virginia, in case you were wondering. Oh the night I spent there.
INFORMATION SUPER INTERSTATE - Me haterizing on some stupid shit, most likely.
HONKYTONK BADONKADONK - Two actual instances of real life situations where I saw or heard about that stupidest of all songs being appreciated by somebody.
SLANG DOCTOR - Talking about how me and Brown use "loungin'" like the Smurfs use "smurf".
DIRT TRACK SATURDAY NIGHT - Mad love for my local dirt tracks.
NEW SCHOOL HOT RODS ON REMAKE - Verbally showing my disappreciation of them bitch-looking new school Chargers and Mustangs and all that crap that rednecks think makes them look like Stone Cold Steve McQueen or some shit.
SCRATCH-OFF LOTTERY TICKETS - My latest pasttime.
GHOSTWRITER ADMITTANCE - fuck it there's all sorts of stupid shit in this issue as it went more old school zine style and less with the long-winded rants, so I'll just list all the rest of the shit here on out.
WHAT WOULD DOUG LEWELLYN DO - about a fifty cent beer that was warm.
CORAN CAPSHAW - KING OF CHARLOTTESVILLE - about a local dickhead.
NASCAR DAUGHTERS - about something funny a dude told me on top of scaffolds one day.
A QUESTION FOR THE FAST AND MORE FURIOUS AMONGST YOU ALL - about something nobody's answered for me yet.
STRAIGHT OUT OF FARMVILLE VEE AY, SO WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY - about my boy Rob and the Lady of Rage and other stupid back home shit.
THE WORLD FAMOUS DEW DROP INN - about the best dank bar in my town not being so best and so dank no more.
GOAT ENVIRONMENT NEGLECT - about goat ingenuity and raven slothfulness doing battle.
SERVICE & PROTECTORATES - about po-po.
PROTECTING MY INNER-ENVIRONMENT - about sea weed.
SIMPLE LIVING FOR REAL - about shit you can do easy around the house if your house is mad fucked-up like mine.
EGO STROKING - about me getting big-headed.
BRAIN FROZE AKA EVERY WHICH WAY BUT JUICE - about the DVD about the Brain Freeze shows.
CONFEDERATE MACK KIDS CORNER - about a couch.
THOUSAND FEATHERS FLUTTER OFF AND BLOW AWAY WITH THE WIND - about watching some kid wrestle with feeling like a faggot in the eyes of a redneck father.
CONFEDERATE MACK ISSUE 52 INTRO SPIEL - Self-explanatory, where I pretend you care what I'm thinking.
METALHEADS WHO SMOKE MAD WEED - In defense of stoner metalheads, who seem to be losing the battle for the soul of metal music to ironic metalheads. Shop class metalheads will always and forever make more sense to me than art school metalheads. Most of this stemmed from me getting baked at a Slayer/Lamb of God show in Cleveland.
SOMETHING THAT MADE ME SAD - In memory of blunt tobacco, gone to waste.
NOW I'M IN THE LIMELIGHT BECAUSE I RHYME TIGHT - Complaining about faggot emo-indy rappers wearing like 19 t-shirts at a time.
LOUNGE LIKE YOU MEAN IT - On some ancient shit, by robot nerd chronology.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS 2006 - Ah, another year full of sad diatribes and wishes for helicopters crashes into the Potomac.
MEL GIBSON - WHORE OF ZION - How Mel Gibson wasn't really against Jews but working for Jews to take attention off of sneaky Jewery going on elsewhere in the World.
NELLY, FEATURING PAUL WALL AND BIG GIPP - Speaking upon grills aka grilles aka grillz.
NEW QUOTE CITY - Things I hearded people say or talk of in my IRL that made laugh all like LOL, but silently inward style so that nobody got all angrily ANFMF on me.
GPS KNOCKIN' ON YOUR FRONT DOOR - Paranoid ramblings about how their doing a front door census of GPS coordinates for every inhabited structure in America. No shit.
SAVING THE UNSAVED - More conspiratorial ramblings, about bitch-ass liberals trying to give dirty Africans computers being just like missionary Christians in essence.
THE SHITTIEST TOWN I EVER LAID TIRE GRIT UPON - Weirton, West Virginia, in case you were wondering. Oh the night I spent there.
INFORMATION SUPER INTERSTATE - Me haterizing on some stupid shit, most likely.
HONKYTONK BADONKADONK - Two actual instances of real life situations where I saw or heard about that stupidest of all songs being appreciated by somebody.
SLANG DOCTOR - Talking about how me and Brown use "loungin'" like the Smurfs use "smurf".
DIRT TRACK SATURDAY NIGHT - Mad love for my local dirt tracks.
NEW SCHOOL HOT RODS ON REMAKE - Verbally showing my disappreciation of them bitch-looking new school Chargers and Mustangs and all that crap that rednecks think makes them look like Stone Cold Steve McQueen or some shit.
SCRATCH-OFF LOTTERY TICKETS - My latest pasttime.
GHOSTWRITER ADMITTANCE - fuck it there's all sorts of stupid shit in this issue as it went more old school zine style and less with the long-winded rants, so I'll just list all the rest of the shit here on out.
WHAT WOULD DOUG LEWELLYN DO - about a fifty cent beer that was warm.
CORAN CAPSHAW - KING OF CHARLOTTESVILLE - about a local dickhead.
NASCAR DAUGHTERS - about something funny a dude told me on top of scaffolds one day.
A QUESTION FOR THE FAST AND MORE FURIOUS AMONGST YOU ALL - about something nobody's answered for me yet.
STRAIGHT OUT OF FARMVILLE VEE AY, SO WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY - about my boy Rob and the Lady of Rage and other stupid back home shit.
THE WORLD FAMOUS DEW DROP INN - about the best dank bar in my town not being so best and so dank no more.
GOAT ENVIRONMENT NEGLECT - about goat ingenuity and raven slothfulness doing battle.
SERVICE & PROTECTORATES - about po-po.
PROTECTING MY INNER-ENVIRONMENT - about sea weed.
SIMPLE LIVING FOR REAL - about shit you can do easy around the house if your house is mad fucked-up like mine.
EGO STROKING - about me getting big-headed.
BRAIN FROZE AKA EVERY WHICH WAY BUT JUICE - about the DVD about the Brain Freeze shows.
CONFEDERATE MACK KIDS CORNER - about a couch.
THOUSAND FEATHERS FLUTTER OFF AND BLOW AWAY WITH THE WIND - about watching some kid wrestle with feeling like a faggot in the eyes of a redneck father.
#83 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Catch A Bad One
I remember this being the first single where I was all like, "Man, Del's starting to suck and shit," but now, I guess because hip hop is so fuckin' shitty, I can dig on this single. It's got that wacky "Wack MCs" b-side track, and I bet I could sell that shit on ebay for like next to nothing after shipping it, and plus I'd have to find a scrap of cardboard box to pack it in, and I'd have to answer questions from shithead nerdz about quality and approval rating and all that cyber flea market status quo nonsense. Man, seriously, fuck some robots. If Maximum Overdrive ever happens for real, folks running around with cellphones and ipods and blue teeth and all that shiny crap are for-real seriously screwed so bad that even Emilio Estevez won't be able to save their asses. But Del, he's on some fuckin' white girls while eating mushrooms shit, which I've wavered in my life as to whether I like or not in the hippitty hoppro muzaks, and lately I'm into it. I actually got to watch like 45 minutes of Rap City today, the first time in a couple years, and man oh man does that shit suck, making me like Del crap even more, though it would be nice if he drove a '68 Chevelle with candyflake paint and 20 inch rims like Southern rappers seem to be doing nowadays. Old muscle cars and big shiny rims are two great tastes that taste great together. Now, if only they'd stop it with those pitter pat keyboard beats.
#29 RAP TAPES: The Iceberg
Man, Ice T, hunh? Been a long time since I ever remember listening to these tapes, so I'm not sure what was going through that beady little smoke-stained head of mine. I do know that the combo of Black Sabbath and Jello Biafra's whiny-assed voice in the intro is some awesome shit - way more awesome than anything Jello Biafra has ever done on his own. I know a chick who's cousin or some shit is dating Biafra and they were all together at Christmas dinner or something or other and Jello Biafra was a big fat shithead the whole time. Word to budding revolutionaries sipping on fat coffees who might read this crap: YOU WON'T CHANGE ANYBODY'S MIND ABOUT ANYTHING IF YOU ACT LIKE A CONDESCENDING COCKSUCKER! Unless you are a girl and literally a cocksucker, but even then you don't actually so much change someone's mind as you do just get them to pretend they agree with you for a little while.
Wednesday, November 15
#84 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Outta Here
I think Return of the Boom Bap is really the last time I felt like KRS wasn't full of shit, which he probably was all along, and I think I bought every single they released off that album. "Outta Here" is a great song, and to this day, me and my boy Brown say that shit, usually by also mentioning five thousand dollar love seats. Who the fuck buys fancy couches? What kind of a fruit do you have to be to spend heavy wads of folding bills on a goddamned couch? And sometimes, that shit only has one arm, like you're some Roman emperor kicking it on that jank. Fuck that noise. The B-side to this is the "I'm a blunt getting smoked and I can't wake up," which is always great fun for about the first verse, then you realize all KRS is doing is pretending to be weed and talk about every rapper who talks about weed, which I guess is supposed to be clever, but really isn't that clever. Still though, "Outta Here" is a great track. My heart beats to the boom bap. Fuck all this tinny casio children's chant shit that gets put out nowadays.
#30 RAP TAPES: Escape From Havana
There's no real answer for how this fell so high on this countdown, as there's nothing outstanding about Mellow Man Ace's solo tape. I guess maybe I was stoked because I was secretly looking for old school breakbeats to jack for personal purposes by doing this project and found like two or three on this tape alone. I might also be brainwashed secretly by AM radio signals of reggaetone songs picked up by the metal plate that holds my left eyeball in place. Or perhaps I just wish I was a beaner, so that I could have like seventeen children with a big-assed girl I love, but still didn't mind fucking a 17-year-old on the side, and I could watch lucha libre and eat meat overspiced with cumin seed till I died from a heart attack at like 53. Oh yeah, and I'd be using avocados like butter.
Monday, November 13
CM NET CLASSICS: 14 Things That Killed The Good Ole Boy
[I've come to hate this fuckin' thing, but it was the first piece of shit I put up on the internet like 19 years ago, and I still get comments from people about it. Figured I'd put it up so those folks could see how dated and stupid it is.]
14 THINGS THAT KILLED THE GOOD OLE BOY
The Good Ole Boy is not an asshole redneck, though he will get drunk and start a fight with you every once in a while. The Good Ole Boy has the hard-working greasy blue jean style of a redneck. He has the good-hearted generous nature and long dirty hair of a hippie. He has the simplistic attitude of an actual Mexican, not one of these capitalism-polluted Mexican-Americans, but one from Mexico driving a beat up Dodge Dart with a milk crate for a seat. And he has the hair trigger ability to blow up recklessly and violently for no reason of a rock star. He is a hippie Mexican redneck rock star, and the Good Ole Boy is almost extinct. Here are 15 things that have killed the Good Ole Boy.
NEW-FANGLED EQUIPMENT FOR COPS
It used to be the local cops wouldn't chase after the Good Ole Boy. They knew him and his family, and they'd just come by and tell the Good Ole Boy's mama to tell the Good Ole Boy to settle down or they were gonna have to bust him. And as long as the Good Ole Boy didn't do anything too malicious or outrageous, he got by with warnings. The only police types that would hassle him would be state troopers or federal agents if the Good Ole Boy was involved in illegal liquor or drugs. And you could run from them. And if you made it back to your little rural neck of the woods, they'd never find you. Hell, they didn't like looking around those parts, as long as Good Ole Boy stayed amongst his kind, they let him be. Nowadays though, they got fancy radios to tell all the other cops that the Good Ole Boy is running. And they got helicopters and TV shows and crimestopper rewards and, worst of all, they got the local cops believing in this law and order bullshit more than they believe in a sense of their own community. Local cops now will sell out the Good Ole Boy to a fancy-tongued city cop and send a guy he went to school with off to prison for years and years. The Good Ole Boy can't hide in his neck of the woods anymore because there's traitors there. And the traitors and their city cop buddies have all kinds of fancy electronic equipment that will and can monitor the Good Ole Boy. The most the Good Ole Boy can hope for is an electronic monitor for home release so he can hang out with his Ol' Lady and at least have sex with a woman.
FANCIER LAWS
It used to be if the Good Ole Boy committed a crime, he committed one crime. Now the Law's got all these fancy extra laws where if the Good Ole Boy robs a store, not only is he charged with robbing a store, he's charged with robbing a store with a gun, he's charged with carrying a gun without a permit, he's charged with being charged more than once for the same thing, he's charged with having a gun and no license, he's charged with robbing a store that was within half a mile of a school, he's charged with all kinds of shit for the one crime. So the Good Ole Boy gets all kinds of time for the one crime. And the Good Ole Boy ain't amongst a lot of other Good Ole Boys when he goes to jail, he's amongst a lot of Young Black Males, themselves a hunted species, though they're not nearly as endanger of becoming extinct as the Good Ole Boy. And plus they rule the jails. The most the Good Ole Boy can hope for is to make friends by doing cassette recorder tattoos in the shower for cigarettes and extra juices at breakfast.
WAL-MART
That evil blasphemous Tower of Babel known as the Wal-Mart Supercenter. Wal-Mart brought big city products to small-town minds, and fucked them all up. Small-town minds (not small minds, just simpler, which is not a bad thing, it's good to live a simple life) were dazzled by the array of clothes and lots of old Alan Jackson compact discs and little die-cast Dale Earnhardt cars in seven different styles. And the poison sunk in. They no longer cared about cooking deer steaks on the pile of rocks with an old refrigerator grate over top of it in the backyard; they wanted a gas grill from Wal-Mart. That old Toro pushmower that cut off everytime the Good Ole Boy hit a big clump of dandelions was replaced by a fancy-ass riding mower with headlights, headlights on a lawn mower for christsake. All his idle time out in the middle of nowhere was taken up by all these goddamned new possessions, and the Good Ole Boy didn't spend that idle time doing crazy shit like building monster trucks or drinking heavily and gambling or any of the good ole things Good Ole Boys were famous for.
THE GLAM ROCK/GRUNGE MUSIC/GANGSTA RAP COMBO
The Good Ole Boy was always predisposed to rock-n-roll. Yeah, country music was alright, but it was too slow and whiny, except some outlaw shit like Hank Jr. or David Allan Coe or some Waylon. Rock-n-roll was perfect for cranking up over the roar of a late model engine drunkenly barreling down back country roads that might accidentally twist in an unplanned direction at any second. Rock-n-roll was perfect for late at night blaring loudly from the front room while the Good Ole Boy got it on with some sweet little thang in leopard print panties in the back bedroom. The Rock Show in a nearby city was a religious pilgrimage for the Good Ole Boy, where loads of other Good Ole Boys and their sweet little thangs from other parts of rural America met together and held their lighters up in unison as a symbol of indebtedness to the great Gods of Thunder. "Here is our fire, we give it to you Gods of Thunder to burn this un-Good Ole Boy-like world down to a dirt road with some pool halls and a liquor store!" But then in the mid-80's rock-n-roll let the Good Ole Boy down. Dirty jeans and black leather bands like AC/DC and the Scorpions were being replaced by lavendar laced pretty boys like Cinderella and Poison. Any self-respecting Good Ole Boy is not gonna listen to music made by a guy that's cute. Hell, even fuckin' Motley Crue, black and red leather and Satanic shit and fuckin' rock-n-roll man; they started wearing pink and purple on their third record. I don't care how cool "Home Sweet Home" was, they were gay now. So the Good Ole Boy waited for rock-n-roll to come back around. After all the years of held up lighters, after all the years of wearing black t-shirts, after all the years of turning on younger brothers and cousins, the best rock-n-roll could do for the Good Ole Boy was grunge music. Whiny city boys not singing about pussy, not banging out loud dirty rock-n-roll; but instead complaining about shit, letting feedback all over their songs, singing like that fag in drama class from the Good Ole Boy's high school days. See, a Good Ole Boy is about the pleasures of the senses, not about worrying about the fuckin' world. And grunge music was the last straw for the Good Ole Boy and his worship for the Gods of Thunder. So he converted. To the Lords of Bass. Gangsta rap was sweeping from the inner-cities through the suburbs and out to the rural areas. They talked about pussy, they drove overly-accessorized cars, they smoked weed and drank beer and were proud of it. And the Good Ole Boy mutated into the Wigga Kid.
ARABS
Arabs control oil production. In the late '70s, due to a lack of oil production, a severe gas crisis started. In response, car companies began making shitty little jellybean cars that all look alike and have no style. No more 1 ton mechanisms of self-destruction the Good Ole Boy could work on constantly to make faster, to make shinier, to make more likely to plant a Tammy or a Cindy in the passenger seat, which was one long seat with leather all the way across. If Tammy or Cindy slid over to the middle of the seat to sit right beside you, her legs had to straddle the hump of the transmission, subconsciously putting her in the mood, plus the Good Ole Boy had to reach over to shift the chrome shifter, and that gave him ample opportunities to start rubbing on her knees and working his way to the promised land. But the new cars were bucket seats with storage compartments in between them. And small. And they worked good. And if they didn't they were so goddamned alien-looking under the hoods because everybody built like the Japs now that the Good Ole Boy was confused and didn't' know how to fix shit. So the Arabs damned greedy late '70s ways killed the Good Ole Boy and his hot rod.
HOLLYWOOD'S "IGNORIFICATION" OF THE REDNECK
In the past, TV and movies gave the Good Ole Boy his due. You had your Jed Clampetts and Duke boys on the small screen. And Clint Eastwood's Philo Bedo and Burt Reynold's Bandit blew up the big screen so much that they practically gave rise to the idea of a movie sequel. Good Ole Boys might have been a bit simple and animalistic, but hell, they were good old boys. The public couldn't fault them, in fact, they liked them. People wished they could have a pet orangutang that drank Olympia, or jump a souped up Dodge over a creek and have a cop wreck behind them. But then all those positive characters disappeared. No more trucker movies. No more rural sitcoms. No more Hee Haw on national TV. And after a quieting down period, Hollywood stormed back with a new image of the Good Ole Boy as a murderous pervert, as an unyielding racist, as an ignorant bumpkin sucking on a piece of straw. Uncle Toms like Jeff Foxworthy started popping up, making fun of their own upbringing and heritage, shucking and jiving for the middle classes' delight. And the Good Ole Boy started to feel ashamed. Hell, all the Good Ole Boy types in the media weren't that good. And the Good Ole Boy became embarrassed to pass on his Good Ole Boy traditions and history onto the next generation.
RIC FLAIR WORKING FOR A YANKEE
Wrestling, or "wrasslin" to the Good Ole Boy, has always been a ceremonial performance for the Good Ole Boy. Rich guys were assholes. Hard-working beer drinkers kicked ass. Cowboys beat up on Russians. The long-haired southern boy with a bullrope always beat the gold-bearded black guy with the shit-talking manager in a frilly tuxedo. Wrestling reaffirmed the Good Ole Boy's beliefs, and made him feel special. Then along came that piece of shit Vince McMahon, who perverted wrestling from a regional attraction to an internation circus featuring clowns and voodoo witches and evil Canadians. Before wrestling went national, the regional circuits would do anywhere from one to four shows, each month, in all the major cities in their area. The Richmond Coliseum had a wrestling show every month. And it was usually packed with people. And all the small towns in the region could expect seeing wrestling at the local high school gym or VFW hall or community center or armory at least once a year. The Good Ole Boy got to see his heroes and villains up close and personal. But when it went national, all the Good Ole Boy got to do was watch it on TV. Every once in a while, they'd come to the nearby city and he'd go and it would suck because there'd be no blood, no satisfaction. It had always been geared towards families, but now instead of being geared towards a Good Ole Boy's family that would come back next month or next year to watch all his heroes and villains again, it was geared towards middle class families that would buy up $25 t-shirts and foam fingers and not give a shit about a program for the night's event, they were more concerned that the Big Star show up so they could see him in person. There was no more excitement that a championship might change hands, that was saved for the pay-per-views the Good Ole Boy couldn't afford. But Jim Crockett Promotions tried to fight Vince McMahon, with old fashioned southern style wrestling. Hell, they had 4th of July shows with fireworks and David Allan Coe. That's Good Ole Boy Heaven right there. But Crockett couldn't compete financially, and he sold the whole deal to corporate America. They don't know how to run a wrestling show, still don't. And Ric Flair, the Jesus figure to the Good Ole Boy, yeah he's bad, but he means well. Just into partying, getting the girls, and kicking a little ass. And plus he's from North Cackylacky. But corporate America fucked it up. And Ric Flair left to go work for Vince McMahon. Wrasslin' was dead, and sports entertainment had replaced it with all it's sterility and decadence. No good and bad, just blurred lines of cults of personality to encourage merchandising. And now the Good Ole Boy is left confused, rooting for whatever rip-off of the original Four Horsemen is being passed off as the anti-authoritarian regime, whether it be Stone Cold Steve Austin or the New World Order or whatever, the Good Ole Boy is just hoping for that peak again, when Ric Flair and Tully Blanchard and Arn & Ole Anderson ruled the world. And you can go to a wrestling show nowadays, and you'll see the quiet Good Ole Boy, beaten down and hobbled by a society that doesn't protect his natural habitat, sitting there with a short and long haircut. And when a wrestler chops another wrestler across the chest, the Good Ole Boy will flashback to days when his kind ruled the world, and he'll "Whoo" along with all the other defeated Good Ole Boys, and they'll be sad 'cuz it's a little Mexican fucker in a shiny mask they're whooing for.
BURT REYNOLDS' DESPERATE YEARS
Burt Reynolds was living every Good Ole Boy's dream; he was driving fast as shit fancy cars, he was having sex with rich girls, and he was making millions of dollars while wearing a cowboy hat and a button down shirt with half the buttons unused. But then came the comedy. Good Ole Burt was teamed up with fat-ass questionable sexuality Dom Deluise in that damned Cannonball Run movie. Burt became a shucker and jiver, doing his bit for the highest dollar. And that movie made money, but then all Burt got offered was stupid buffoon comedy roles. Don't even mention to me the fact a third Smokey & the Bandit movie even exists, hell the second one was bad enough. And the second Cannonball Run, goddamn they're carrying an elephant around in a truck, fuckin' unbelievable. After that, Burt wasn't the hot commodity, and neither was the Good Ole Boy. Nobody wanted a macho devil-may-care funny-talking rebel with a rebel flag belt buckle anymore. They wanted a clean shaven robot like Arnold. Or a punch-drunk wop like Sly Stallone. And Burt was left high and dry, doing only the occasional movie with an old buddy pulling for him like Clint Eastwood (remember that movie where they were a pair of cops, damn, that was a terrible movie). Until Boogie Nights came out and offered the sex symbol of the '70s the opportunity to be a perverted old fuck with questionable sexuality. One more nail in the Good Ole Boy's coffin.
UNITED NATIONS SPONSORED AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOLS
Winners teach history, and according to the winners the south sucked. They killed Jews and raped children and wanted to kill black people by making them work too hard. Now the Good Ole Boy's natural inclination is towards the south, since that environment sprouted him, and plus they got a pretty cool looking flag. When the Good Ole Boy, in his young sprouting stage, is told that the water that makes him grow into a big strong fun-loving fool, is in actuality a terrible poison that wanted to exterminate everything unlike it, but luckily yankee industrialists freed black people from the oppression of cotton fields and packed them into tenement housing where the most they can hope for is a shitty security guard job, well all those lessons made the Good Ole Boy cower. He wanted to be a Good Ole Boy, not an evil menace. Hell, most Good Ole Boys never had any problems with black folks, brown folks, no folks. Good Ole Boys liked everybody that liked to have a good time. But history killed the Good Ole Boy's confidence in his homeland, all part of a plan to kill any form of national pride, so that the one world government can become a reality; but that's a whole other can of worms.
MIDDLE CLASS CO-OPTING WHITE TRASH CULTURE
There are actually suburban raised fucks with "Good Ole Boy" tattooed on their arms. There are actually college girls with WHITE TRASH PRINCESS stickers on their undented cars. There are actually people who think wearing a cheap cowboy hat with a pair of skateboarding shoes is cool. When a Good Ole Boy sees shit like this, he don't feel so good anymore.
GARTH BROOKS
Country music always had some outlaw mentality to it. Garth Brooks was no exception when he stormed onto the scene in the early '90s. "I got friends in low places where blah blah blah and the beer it chases my blues away." That's country music. That's Good Ole Boy talk. But Garth sold millions of records and got fancy. He started wearing those weird shirts with no collar but still all the buttons and that damned microphone attached to his cowboy hat that put him in company with Madonna and other people who performed with that stupid shit on their head. And Garth pulled all the strings in Nashville. No more songs about drinking. No more songs about womanizing. No more songs about jail and fighting and hopping trains and beating up assholes. In other words, no more songs talking the Good Ole Boy talk. And the Good Ole Boy was brainwashed by the bullshit. He started liking dumb shit like Travis Tritt and he started putting bedliners in his pick-up truck. The Good Ole Boy became a demographic.
INTER-RACIAL DATING
Now, before I start rambling on this, don't send me any dumbass e-mails about being against interracial dating. I could care less who fucks who, I'm not prejudiced against colors, just social classes. But the fact of the matter is, dating amongst different races started getting more popular in the late '80s and early '90s. And more white girls were being exported than black girls were being imported. More Tammys and Cindys stopped feathering the bangs and started pulling the hair back into a skintight ponytail and wearing giant hoop earrings, but very few Kenyas and Yolandas were willing to share the front bench seat of a '72 Nova Supersport. So the Good Ole Boy had to adjust to get some ass. He started pumping some Dre and Snoop Dogg. He started putting fat rims on his truck. And instead of jacking that truck up, he lowered it, sometimes even going to the drastic measures of cutting the springs so that there was no turning back. The Good Ole Boy needed to procreate, and like any species, he adapted for survival.
BEING THE LAST PAWN
The powers that be have always put some sort of barrier between the middle class and themselves. Once the '80s had come around, all those barriers had been exposed. The powers couldn't buffer themselves with the blacks or the Hispanics. This was considered racist. So they created the scapegoat of white trash. Not only did it buffer the middle class from the upper class, it created a place to put all the blame of past racist actions. Black people were oppressed? Trailer trash must've done it. Mexicans getting ripped off? Rednecks did it. I've never understood how people are so stupid to believe a form of white person who has absolutely no clout in this economically-based political system could be responsible for all the evils done to minorities. They've become the scapegoat for fat, rich, hog-jowled whiteys in luxury SUVs who write the laws and rap the gavels across America. Luckily, white trash is the last scapegoat, so once people wise up to that one, maybe we can all start rioting in unity.
THE TRAGIC DEATH OF RONNIE VAN ZANDT
Lynyrd Skynyrd was the penultimate Good Ole Boy band. They rocked stadiums full of drunks. They tore up hotel rooms and got in fights. They drank their share of liquor, and weren't afraid of the other substances relegated to the backroom only. And their songs told righteous tales of being a simple man, finding the good in a simple life, not getting caught up in materialism and prejudice. And they told tales of "carryin' on" as my Grandma would say. That meant doing shit the elders wished you didn't do. And when that plane went down and Ronnie Van Zandt died, so did a prophet of Good Ole Boyness. Lynyrd Skynyrd has struggled to recreate that magic ever since. And no Good Ole Boy prophet has risen up to replace, or at least try to carry on what Ronnie Van Zandt was saying to the people. The Good Ole Boy became a man without spiritual guidance; and a people with no spiritualism is bound to die off.
So the Good Ole Boy has been destroyed from all sides, a victim of a system that doesn't appreciate his kind. And no one cares. We'll complain about loggers killing a damned owl or crack cocaine destroying black communities or any other fashionable cause. But we never raise our voice against the suburban sprawl that meanders further and further outside of every American city, destroying the natural habitat of the Good Ole Boy. We don't complain about new interstates being blasted through the countryside so that we can get to our aunt's house in St. Louis a little faster, god forbid we have to slow down too much. We don't care that Wal-Marts destroy the Main Street mom-and-pop stores that are already struggling from the strip malls in every small town Wal-Mart deems profitable enough to open up in. We don't mind all the dirt and gravel roads getting paved even though only three families live down that road. We want progress.
Well fuck all yall. You killed the Good Ole Boy and all that's left is his squeaky-clean, always sober racist redneck cousin in a just-waxed brand new pick-up truck with not even a single chunk of wood rattling around in the bed. You murdered the Good Ole Boy and all that's left is his low-riding blunt-smoking No Limit Soldier nephew in color coordinated Fubu trying to figure out how to shave his sideburns into a pencil thin strip. And the few Good Ole Boys there are left, those rare few that somehow have survived the onslaught, you add insult to injury by hiring them to sheetrock and paint and plumb and carpent your houses. You bastards.
14 THINGS THAT KILLED THE GOOD OLE BOY
The Good Ole Boy is not an asshole redneck, though he will get drunk and start a fight with you every once in a while. The Good Ole Boy has the hard-working greasy blue jean style of a redneck. He has the good-hearted generous nature and long dirty hair of a hippie. He has the simplistic attitude of an actual Mexican, not one of these capitalism-polluted Mexican-Americans, but one from Mexico driving a beat up Dodge Dart with a milk crate for a seat. And he has the hair trigger ability to blow up recklessly and violently for no reason of a rock star. He is a hippie Mexican redneck rock star, and the Good Ole Boy is almost extinct. Here are 15 things that have killed the Good Ole Boy.
NEW-FANGLED EQUIPMENT FOR COPS
It used to be the local cops wouldn't chase after the Good Ole Boy. They knew him and his family, and they'd just come by and tell the Good Ole Boy's mama to tell the Good Ole Boy to settle down or they were gonna have to bust him. And as long as the Good Ole Boy didn't do anything too malicious or outrageous, he got by with warnings. The only police types that would hassle him would be state troopers or federal agents if the Good Ole Boy was involved in illegal liquor or drugs. And you could run from them. And if you made it back to your little rural neck of the woods, they'd never find you. Hell, they didn't like looking around those parts, as long as Good Ole Boy stayed amongst his kind, they let him be. Nowadays though, they got fancy radios to tell all the other cops that the Good Ole Boy is running. And they got helicopters and TV shows and crimestopper rewards and, worst of all, they got the local cops believing in this law and order bullshit more than they believe in a sense of their own community. Local cops now will sell out the Good Ole Boy to a fancy-tongued city cop and send a guy he went to school with off to prison for years and years. The Good Ole Boy can't hide in his neck of the woods anymore because there's traitors there. And the traitors and their city cop buddies have all kinds of fancy electronic equipment that will and can monitor the Good Ole Boy. The most the Good Ole Boy can hope for is an electronic monitor for home release so he can hang out with his Ol' Lady and at least have sex with a woman.
FANCIER LAWS
It used to be if the Good Ole Boy committed a crime, he committed one crime. Now the Law's got all these fancy extra laws where if the Good Ole Boy robs a store, not only is he charged with robbing a store, he's charged with robbing a store with a gun, he's charged with carrying a gun without a permit, he's charged with being charged more than once for the same thing, he's charged with having a gun and no license, he's charged with robbing a store that was within half a mile of a school, he's charged with all kinds of shit for the one crime. So the Good Ole Boy gets all kinds of time for the one crime. And the Good Ole Boy ain't amongst a lot of other Good Ole Boys when he goes to jail, he's amongst a lot of Young Black Males, themselves a hunted species, though they're not nearly as endanger of becoming extinct as the Good Ole Boy. And plus they rule the jails. The most the Good Ole Boy can hope for is to make friends by doing cassette recorder tattoos in the shower for cigarettes and extra juices at breakfast.
WAL-MART
That evil blasphemous Tower of Babel known as the Wal-Mart Supercenter. Wal-Mart brought big city products to small-town minds, and fucked them all up. Small-town minds (not small minds, just simpler, which is not a bad thing, it's good to live a simple life) were dazzled by the array of clothes and lots of old Alan Jackson compact discs and little die-cast Dale Earnhardt cars in seven different styles. And the poison sunk in. They no longer cared about cooking deer steaks on the pile of rocks with an old refrigerator grate over top of it in the backyard; they wanted a gas grill from Wal-Mart. That old Toro pushmower that cut off everytime the Good Ole Boy hit a big clump of dandelions was replaced by a fancy-ass riding mower with headlights, headlights on a lawn mower for christsake. All his idle time out in the middle of nowhere was taken up by all these goddamned new possessions, and the Good Ole Boy didn't spend that idle time doing crazy shit like building monster trucks or drinking heavily and gambling or any of the good ole things Good Ole Boys were famous for.
THE GLAM ROCK/GRUNGE MUSIC/GANGSTA RAP COMBO
The Good Ole Boy was always predisposed to rock-n-roll. Yeah, country music was alright, but it was too slow and whiny, except some outlaw shit like Hank Jr. or David Allan Coe or some Waylon. Rock-n-roll was perfect for cranking up over the roar of a late model engine drunkenly barreling down back country roads that might accidentally twist in an unplanned direction at any second. Rock-n-roll was perfect for late at night blaring loudly from the front room while the Good Ole Boy got it on with some sweet little thang in leopard print panties in the back bedroom. The Rock Show in a nearby city was a religious pilgrimage for the Good Ole Boy, where loads of other Good Ole Boys and their sweet little thangs from other parts of rural America met together and held their lighters up in unison as a symbol of indebtedness to the great Gods of Thunder. "Here is our fire, we give it to you Gods of Thunder to burn this un-Good Ole Boy-like world down to a dirt road with some pool halls and a liquor store!" But then in the mid-80's rock-n-roll let the Good Ole Boy down. Dirty jeans and black leather bands like AC/DC and the Scorpions were being replaced by lavendar laced pretty boys like Cinderella and Poison. Any self-respecting Good Ole Boy is not gonna listen to music made by a guy that's cute. Hell, even fuckin' Motley Crue, black and red leather and Satanic shit and fuckin' rock-n-roll man; they started wearing pink and purple on their third record. I don't care how cool "Home Sweet Home" was, they were gay now. So the Good Ole Boy waited for rock-n-roll to come back around. After all the years of held up lighters, after all the years of wearing black t-shirts, after all the years of turning on younger brothers and cousins, the best rock-n-roll could do for the Good Ole Boy was grunge music. Whiny city boys not singing about pussy, not banging out loud dirty rock-n-roll; but instead complaining about shit, letting feedback all over their songs, singing like that fag in drama class from the Good Ole Boy's high school days. See, a Good Ole Boy is about the pleasures of the senses, not about worrying about the fuckin' world. And grunge music was the last straw for the Good Ole Boy and his worship for the Gods of Thunder. So he converted. To the Lords of Bass. Gangsta rap was sweeping from the inner-cities through the suburbs and out to the rural areas. They talked about pussy, they drove overly-accessorized cars, they smoked weed and drank beer and were proud of it. And the Good Ole Boy mutated into the Wigga Kid.
ARABS
Arabs control oil production. In the late '70s, due to a lack of oil production, a severe gas crisis started. In response, car companies began making shitty little jellybean cars that all look alike and have no style. No more 1 ton mechanisms of self-destruction the Good Ole Boy could work on constantly to make faster, to make shinier, to make more likely to plant a Tammy or a Cindy in the passenger seat, which was one long seat with leather all the way across. If Tammy or Cindy slid over to the middle of the seat to sit right beside you, her legs had to straddle the hump of the transmission, subconsciously putting her in the mood, plus the Good Ole Boy had to reach over to shift the chrome shifter, and that gave him ample opportunities to start rubbing on her knees and working his way to the promised land. But the new cars were bucket seats with storage compartments in between them. And small. And they worked good. And if they didn't they were so goddamned alien-looking under the hoods because everybody built like the Japs now that the Good Ole Boy was confused and didn't' know how to fix shit. So the Arabs damned greedy late '70s ways killed the Good Ole Boy and his hot rod.
HOLLYWOOD'S "IGNORIFICATION" OF THE REDNECK
In the past, TV and movies gave the Good Ole Boy his due. You had your Jed Clampetts and Duke boys on the small screen. And Clint Eastwood's Philo Bedo and Burt Reynold's Bandit blew up the big screen so much that they practically gave rise to the idea of a movie sequel. Good Ole Boys might have been a bit simple and animalistic, but hell, they were good old boys. The public couldn't fault them, in fact, they liked them. People wished they could have a pet orangutang that drank Olympia, or jump a souped up Dodge over a creek and have a cop wreck behind them. But then all those positive characters disappeared. No more trucker movies. No more rural sitcoms. No more Hee Haw on national TV. And after a quieting down period, Hollywood stormed back with a new image of the Good Ole Boy as a murderous pervert, as an unyielding racist, as an ignorant bumpkin sucking on a piece of straw. Uncle Toms like Jeff Foxworthy started popping up, making fun of their own upbringing and heritage, shucking and jiving for the middle classes' delight. And the Good Ole Boy started to feel ashamed. Hell, all the Good Ole Boy types in the media weren't that good. And the Good Ole Boy became embarrassed to pass on his Good Ole Boy traditions and history onto the next generation.
RIC FLAIR WORKING FOR A YANKEE
Wrestling, or "wrasslin" to the Good Ole Boy, has always been a ceremonial performance for the Good Ole Boy. Rich guys were assholes. Hard-working beer drinkers kicked ass. Cowboys beat up on Russians. The long-haired southern boy with a bullrope always beat the gold-bearded black guy with the shit-talking manager in a frilly tuxedo. Wrestling reaffirmed the Good Ole Boy's beliefs, and made him feel special. Then along came that piece of shit Vince McMahon, who perverted wrestling from a regional attraction to an internation circus featuring clowns and voodoo witches and evil Canadians. Before wrestling went national, the regional circuits would do anywhere from one to four shows, each month, in all the major cities in their area. The Richmond Coliseum had a wrestling show every month. And it was usually packed with people. And all the small towns in the region could expect seeing wrestling at the local high school gym or VFW hall or community center or armory at least once a year. The Good Ole Boy got to see his heroes and villains up close and personal. But when it went national, all the Good Ole Boy got to do was watch it on TV. Every once in a while, they'd come to the nearby city and he'd go and it would suck because there'd be no blood, no satisfaction. It had always been geared towards families, but now instead of being geared towards a Good Ole Boy's family that would come back next month or next year to watch all his heroes and villains again, it was geared towards middle class families that would buy up $25 t-shirts and foam fingers and not give a shit about a program for the night's event, they were more concerned that the Big Star show up so they could see him in person. There was no more excitement that a championship might change hands, that was saved for the pay-per-views the Good Ole Boy couldn't afford. But Jim Crockett Promotions tried to fight Vince McMahon, with old fashioned southern style wrestling. Hell, they had 4th of July shows with fireworks and David Allan Coe. That's Good Ole Boy Heaven right there. But Crockett couldn't compete financially, and he sold the whole deal to corporate America. They don't know how to run a wrestling show, still don't. And Ric Flair, the Jesus figure to the Good Ole Boy, yeah he's bad, but he means well. Just into partying, getting the girls, and kicking a little ass. And plus he's from North Cackylacky. But corporate America fucked it up. And Ric Flair left to go work for Vince McMahon. Wrasslin' was dead, and sports entertainment had replaced it with all it's sterility and decadence. No good and bad, just blurred lines of cults of personality to encourage merchandising. And now the Good Ole Boy is left confused, rooting for whatever rip-off of the original Four Horsemen is being passed off as the anti-authoritarian regime, whether it be Stone Cold Steve Austin or the New World Order or whatever, the Good Ole Boy is just hoping for that peak again, when Ric Flair and Tully Blanchard and Arn & Ole Anderson ruled the world. And you can go to a wrestling show nowadays, and you'll see the quiet Good Ole Boy, beaten down and hobbled by a society that doesn't protect his natural habitat, sitting there with a short and long haircut. And when a wrestler chops another wrestler across the chest, the Good Ole Boy will flashback to days when his kind ruled the world, and he'll "Whoo" along with all the other defeated Good Ole Boys, and they'll be sad 'cuz it's a little Mexican fucker in a shiny mask they're whooing for.
BURT REYNOLDS' DESPERATE YEARS
Burt Reynolds was living every Good Ole Boy's dream; he was driving fast as shit fancy cars, he was having sex with rich girls, and he was making millions of dollars while wearing a cowboy hat and a button down shirt with half the buttons unused. But then came the comedy. Good Ole Burt was teamed up with fat-ass questionable sexuality Dom Deluise in that damned Cannonball Run movie. Burt became a shucker and jiver, doing his bit for the highest dollar. And that movie made money, but then all Burt got offered was stupid buffoon comedy roles. Don't even mention to me the fact a third Smokey & the Bandit movie even exists, hell the second one was bad enough. And the second Cannonball Run, goddamn they're carrying an elephant around in a truck, fuckin' unbelievable. After that, Burt wasn't the hot commodity, and neither was the Good Ole Boy. Nobody wanted a macho devil-may-care funny-talking rebel with a rebel flag belt buckle anymore. They wanted a clean shaven robot like Arnold. Or a punch-drunk wop like Sly Stallone. And Burt was left high and dry, doing only the occasional movie with an old buddy pulling for him like Clint Eastwood (remember that movie where they were a pair of cops, damn, that was a terrible movie). Until Boogie Nights came out and offered the sex symbol of the '70s the opportunity to be a perverted old fuck with questionable sexuality. One more nail in the Good Ole Boy's coffin.
UNITED NATIONS SPONSORED AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOLS
Winners teach history, and according to the winners the south sucked. They killed Jews and raped children and wanted to kill black people by making them work too hard. Now the Good Ole Boy's natural inclination is towards the south, since that environment sprouted him, and plus they got a pretty cool looking flag. When the Good Ole Boy, in his young sprouting stage, is told that the water that makes him grow into a big strong fun-loving fool, is in actuality a terrible poison that wanted to exterminate everything unlike it, but luckily yankee industrialists freed black people from the oppression of cotton fields and packed them into tenement housing where the most they can hope for is a shitty security guard job, well all those lessons made the Good Ole Boy cower. He wanted to be a Good Ole Boy, not an evil menace. Hell, most Good Ole Boys never had any problems with black folks, brown folks, no folks. Good Ole Boys liked everybody that liked to have a good time. But history killed the Good Ole Boy's confidence in his homeland, all part of a plan to kill any form of national pride, so that the one world government can become a reality; but that's a whole other can of worms.
MIDDLE CLASS CO-OPTING WHITE TRASH CULTURE
There are actually suburban raised fucks with "Good Ole Boy" tattooed on their arms. There are actually college girls with WHITE TRASH PRINCESS stickers on their undented cars. There are actually people who think wearing a cheap cowboy hat with a pair of skateboarding shoes is cool. When a Good Ole Boy sees shit like this, he don't feel so good anymore.
GARTH BROOKS
Country music always had some outlaw mentality to it. Garth Brooks was no exception when he stormed onto the scene in the early '90s. "I got friends in low places where blah blah blah and the beer it chases my blues away." That's country music. That's Good Ole Boy talk. But Garth sold millions of records and got fancy. He started wearing those weird shirts with no collar but still all the buttons and that damned microphone attached to his cowboy hat that put him in company with Madonna and other people who performed with that stupid shit on their head. And Garth pulled all the strings in Nashville. No more songs about drinking. No more songs about womanizing. No more songs about jail and fighting and hopping trains and beating up assholes. In other words, no more songs talking the Good Ole Boy talk. And the Good Ole Boy was brainwashed by the bullshit. He started liking dumb shit like Travis Tritt and he started putting bedliners in his pick-up truck. The Good Ole Boy became a demographic.
INTER-RACIAL DATING
Now, before I start rambling on this, don't send me any dumbass e-mails about being against interracial dating. I could care less who fucks who, I'm not prejudiced against colors, just social classes. But the fact of the matter is, dating amongst different races started getting more popular in the late '80s and early '90s. And more white girls were being exported than black girls were being imported. More Tammys and Cindys stopped feathering the bangs and started pulling the hair back into a skintight ponytail and wearing giant hoop earrings, but very few Kenyas and Yolandas were willing to share the front bench seat of a '72 Nova Supersport. So the Good Ole Boy had to adjust to get some ass. He started pumping some Dre and Snoop Dogg. He started putting fat rims on his truck. And instead of jacking that truck up, he lowered it, sometimes even going to the drastic measures of cutting the springs so that there was no turning back. The Good Ole Boy needed to procreate, and like any species, he adapted for survival.
BEING THE LAST PAWN
The powers that be have always put some sort of barrier between the middle class and themselves. Once the '80s had come around, all those barriers had been exposed. The powers couldn't buffer themselves with the blacks or the Hispanics. This was considered racist. So they created the scapegoat of white trash. Not only did it buffer the middle class from the upper class, it created a place to put all the blame of past racist actions. Black people were oppressed? Trailer trash must've done it. Mexicans getting ripped off? Rednecks did it. I've never understood how people are so stupid to believe a form of white person who has absolutely no clout in this economically-based political system could be responsible for all the evils done to minorities. They've become the scapegoat for fat, rich, hog-jowled whiteys in luxury SUVs who write the laws and rap the gavels across America. Luckily, white trash is the last scapegoat, so once people wise up to that one, maybe we can all start rioting in unity.
THE TRAGIC DEATH OF RONNIE VAN ZANDT
Lynyrd Skynyrd was the penultimate Good Ole Boy band. They rocked stadiums full of drunks. They tore up hotel rooms and got in fights. They drank their share of liquor, and weren't afraid of the other substances relegated to the backroom only. And their songs told righteous tales of being a simple man, finding the good in a simple life, not getting caught up in materialism and prejudice. And they told tales of "carryin' on" as my Grandma would say. That meant doing shit the elders wished you didn't do. And when that plane went down and Ronnie Van Zandt died, so did a prophet of Good Ole Boyness. Lynyrd Skynyrd has struggled to recreate that magic ever since. And no Good Ole Boy prophet has risen up to replace, or at least try to carry on what Ronnie Van Zandt was saying to the people. The Good Ole Boy became a man without spiritual guidance; and a people with no spiritualism is bound to die off.
So the Good Ole Boy has been destroyed from all sides, a victim of a system that doesn't appreciate his kind. And no one cares. We'll complain about loggers killing a damned owl or crack cocaine destroying black communities or any other fashionable cause. But we never raise our voice against the suburban sprawl that meanders further and further outside of every American city, destroying the natural habitat of the Good Ole Boy. We don't complain about new interstates being blasted through the countryside so that we can get to our aunt's house in St. Louis a little faster, god forbid we have to slow down too much. We don't care that Wal-Marts destroy the Main Street mom-and-pop stores that are already struggling from the strip malls in every small town Wal-Mart deems profitable enough to open up in. We don't mind all the dirt and gravel roads getting paved even though only three families live down that road. We want progress.
Well fuck all yall. You killed the Good Ole Boy and all that's left is his squeaky-clean, always sober racist redneck cousin in a just-waxed brand new pick-up truck with not even a single chunk of wood rattling around in the bed. You murdered the Good Ole Boy and all that's left is his low-riding blunt-smoking No Limit Soldier nephew in color coordinated Fubu trying to figure out how to shave his sideburns into a pencil thin strip. And the few Good Ole Boys there are left, those rare few that somehow have survived the onslaught, you add insult to injury by hiring them to sheetrock and paint and plumb and carpent your houses. You bastards.
NFL DORKERY: Western Division Teams Ranked
[Again, I'm a day late on last week's weekly rankings, so pretend yesterday never happened, just like I plan on doing with my stupid Redskins. I plan on getting back to the weekly track this week, though I doubt anybody but Mavpa reads this bullshit, and he probably doesn't even read it. HAPPY ANONYMITY, INTERNET WASTELAND! Hi, mom.]
#1: Denver Broncos (6-2)
(last ranking time #2) The western divisions are sort of lackluster, or maybe it's just the NFL in general, but it allows a guy like Jake Plummer to be the AFC's answer to Rex Grossman and kind of slip through a good season even though he's prone to games where he completely fucks everything up for everybody. Such teams are terrible to be a fan of come playoff time. Mike Shanahan is one of my least favorite coaches, and I've always hated the Broncos ever since ol' horsehead was their QB, because he was a big ol' bitch who refused to play for the Colts who drafted him out of college. I guess I should make a practice to hate Eli Manning for the same reasons. Primadonna fucks.
#2: San Diego Chargers (6-2)
(last ranking time #3) The Chargers starring LT v2.0 are a slightly better version of the Detroit Lions starring Barry Sanders, in that they have the greatest fuckin' player going, but haven't made a whole lot of noise ever in the playoffs. Maybe this year is their year. Then again, maybe not. The dude that won my stupid email football pool last year is a Chargers fan, and he gloats a lot about stupid shit, so I sort of root against the Chargers just because of him. Though I don't outright root against them, I like to see them succeed enough to just barely fail. Marty Schottenheimer is the perfect coach to make things like that come true, with his bad luck bridesmaid grumpy old ass.
#3: Seattle Seahawks (5-3)
(last ranking time #1) The Seahawks are really lucky they play in the NFC West, because it tricks people into thinking they are any good. Shaun Alexander sure is tough, ain't he? I imagine he and T.O. will one day adopt a Chinese girl so they can raise a kid together. Hopefully they make a reality show out of that one, and hopefully it's on a cable channel that I'd never see being all I have is an antennae, and it goes for like three hilarious years before I ever hear about it, and then everybody ever tells me it's the greatest show ever, so I can get all three seasons off Netflix and watch that shit all at once for like two weeks.
#4: Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)
(last ranking time #5) Herm Edwards can coach quality just-above-mediocrity out of any 54 players you give him. He has made a career of doing so. Larry Johnson should get a nickname because that's a pretty stupid name he's got. No one's ever gonna hire him to do Pepsi commercials or even United Way ads with an every day moniker like that.
#5: St. Louis Rams (4-4)
(last ranking time #4) Hey, let me let you in on a big secret - the Rams suck. They always will because they are a stupid dome team. They struck lightning gold in bottles flash that two-year period where arena league Jesus blessed Kurt Warner was possessed by God to bring arena league-style speedy high-scoring football to the NFL, but it was short-lived, and they won't be shit in St. Louis for a few years to come.
#6: San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
(last ranking time #6) Alex Smith is the new Jake Plummer. After suffering through the 49ers success of the late '80s/early '90s, I can't see enough of them sucking it up. I don't even remember who their coach is... I think it's that fuck who used to be with the Giants maybe. Or is it some college guy? They do have Vernon Davis, who likes to cry and is not gonna do well with more stringent drug testing in the NFL like they're talking about. That dude looks like a black He-Man, and is the latest in about six years straight of the "tight end of the future" style tight ends, all of whom suck more than Chris Cooley does.
#7: Oakland Raiders (2-6)
(last ranking time #8) Poor Art Shell, coming back to this. I imagine Warren Sapp and Randy Moss going out to seafood buffets together with Shell, and just complaining and complaining and complaining about every fuckin' little piece of shit thing they can complain about, and Shell having to sit there and listen because Al Davis instructed him to placate the faces of the team. I also imagine Robert Gallery playing a lot of video games, by himself, while high, and listening to Motley Crue.
#8: Arizona Cardinals (1-7)
(last ranking time #7) Hahaha, Denny Green thought he could make the worst team in professional sports not be the worst team in professional sports. The NFL could give the Cardinals Peyton Manning, LaDainlian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, and Champ Bailey, and they'd still be lucky to go 4-12. Denny Green, who was hyped as this great super coach who deserved a second chance other than the Vikings and it was a sign the NFL might be racist he never got interviewed for every shitty coaching job ever, and then he finally got hired in Arizona, which I think is a bigger sign of racism than him not being interviewed in other places. Seriously, you got two new black coaches these past few years, going to Oakland and Arizona, where they are doomed. Somebody's setting up the black man to fail.
#1: Denver Broncos (6-2)
(last ranking time #2) The western divisions are sort of lackluster, or maybe it's just the NFL in general, but it allows a guy like Jake Plummer to be the AFC's answer to Rex Grossman and kind of slip through a good season even though he's prone to games where he completely fucks everything up for everybody. Such teams are terrible to be a fan of come playoff time. Mike Shanahan is one of my least favorite coaches, and I've always hated the Broncos ever since ol' horsehead was their QB, because he was a big ol' bitch who refused to play for the Colts who drafted him out of college. I guess I should make a practice to hate Eli Manning for the same reasons. Primadonna fucks.
#2: San Diego Chargers (6-2)
(last ranking time #3) The Chargers starring LT v2.0 are a slightly better version of the Detroit Lions starring Barry Sanders, in that they have the greatest fuckin' player going, but haven't made a whole lot of noise ever in the playoffs. Maybe this year is their year. Then again, maybe not. The dude that won my stupid email football pool last year is a Chargers fan, and he gloats a lot about stupid shit, so I sort of root against the Chargers just because of him. Though I don't outright root against them, I like to see them succeed enough to just barely fail. Marty Schottenheimer is the perfect coach to make things like that come true, with his bad luck bridesmaid grumpy old ass.
#3: Seattle Seahawks (5-3)
(last ranking time #1) The Seahawks are really lucky they play in the NFC West, because it tricks people into thinking they are any good. Shaun Alexander sure is tough, ain't he? I imagine he and T.O. will one day adopt a Chinese girl so they can raise a kid together. Hopefully they make a reality show out of that one, and hopefully it's on a cable channel that I'd never see being all I have is an antennae, and it goes for like three hilarious years before I ever hear about it, and then everybody ever tells me it's the greatest show ever, so I can get all three seasons off Netflix and watch that shit all at once for like two weeks.
#4: Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)
(last ranking time #5) Herm Edwards can coach quality just-above-mediocrity out of any 54 players you give him. He has made a career of doing so. Larry Johnson should get a nickname because that's a pretty stupid name he's got. No one's ever gonna hire him to do Pepsi commercials or even United Way ads with an every day moniker like that.
#5: St. Louis Rams (4-4)
(last ranking time #4) Hey, let me let you in on a big secret - the Rams suck. They always will because they are a stupid dome team. They struck lightning gold in bottles flash that two-year period where arena league Jesus blessed Kurt Warner was possessed by God to bring arena league-style speedy high-scoring football to the NFL, but it was short-lived, and they won't be shit in St. Louis for a few years to come.
#6: San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
(last ranking time #6) Alex Smith is the new Jake Plummer. After suffering through the 49ers success of the late '80s/early '90s, I can't see enough of them sucking it up. I don't even remember who their coach is... I think it's that fuck who used to be with the Giants maybe. Or is it some college guy? They do have Vernon Davis, who likes to cry and is not gonna do well with more stringent drug testing in the NFL like they're talking about. That dude looks like a black He-Man, and is the latest in about six years straight of the "tight end of the future" style tight ends, all of whom suck more than Chris Cooley does.
#7: Oakland Raiders (2-6)
(last ranking time #8) Poor Art Shell, coming back to this. I imagine Warren Sapp and Randy Moss going out to seafood buffets together with Shell, and just complaining and complaining and complaining about every fuckin' little piece of shit thing they can complain about, and Shell having to sit there and listen because Al Davis instructed him to placate the faces of the team. I also imagine Robert Gallery playing a lot of video games, by himself, while high, and listening to Motley Crue.
#8: Arizona Cardinals (1-7)
(last ranking time #7) Hahaha, Denny Green thought he could make the worst team in professional sports not be the worst team in professional sports. The NFL could give the Cardinals Peyton Manning, LaDainlian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, and Champ Bailey, and they'd still be lucky to go 4-12. Denny Green, who was hyped as this great super coach who deserved a second chance other than the Vikings and it was a sign the NFL might be racist he never got interviewed for every shitty coaching job ever, and then he finally got hired in Arizona, which I think is a bigger sign of racism than him not being interviewed in other places. Seriously, you got two new black coaches these past few years, going to Oakland and Arizona, where they are doomed. Somebody's setting up the black man to fail.
#85 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Jeep Ass Niguh
When the Juice Crew's Master Ace repackaged himself as Masta Ace, Inc. and came out with this single (shit, the whole record it came off was swanker than fuck), it was my favorite shit. First off, this single came out on clear vinyl, which is a pain in the ass for a DJ trying to mix or cue it up, but to someone who seen a lot of colored vinyl from obscure 7-inches where people yell and act like they're rebelling against Bank of America and Volvos and shit, I was stoked to see the colored vinyl. "Jeep Ass Niguh" is an awesome song, never to be topped as a Masta Ace single, until he slowed it down from west coast influence and re-dropped it as "Born to Roll". B-side "Saturday Night" is good fun as well, though not as great as Schoolly D's "Saturday Night".
#31 RAP TAPES: Live And Let Die
Seriously, Kool G. Rap is one of the best MCs ever. And in my expert whiteboy analytical internerd opinion, this is one of his best tapes ever, maybe the best. (What the fuck ever happened with DJ Polo anyways?) Sir Jinx who had co-production duties with The Bomb Squad on Ice Cube's first solo tape, also had a ton of co-production on this, and the mix of a touch of west coast funk to G. Rap's rapid-fire east coast onslaught - that shit was motherfuckin' awesome. G. Rap originated all that Wu-Gambino shit that Raekwon and Ghostface took off with (Ghost switched it up with all the weird obscure religious references and style-mongering, but Raekwon is a LOT like a weaker version of Kool G. Rap), and in turn that sort of led to a lot of the Scarface cocaine rap that came from NYC just under a decade ago, which has resurged in a much shittier version in southern sing-song children's chants cocaine rap. It's all a downhill slide from Kool G. Rap. If you don't have this shit, steal it from the internet you internet faggot.
Thursday, November 9
NFL DORKERY: Southern Division Teams Ranked
[I forgot to do my stupid NFL rank thing last week, so pretend this was last week, just like I'm going to, and show you what a genius I am when it comes to the football.]
#1: Indianapolis Colts (7-0)
(last ranking time #1) The Colts are great and all, but they're totally gonna get destroyed by Tom Brady and the Patriots this week. Peyton's gay-assed audible calls from the line with Tennessee theatre major overemphasis are no match for Tom Brady's no-nonsense Joe Montana-esqueness. And I bet Rodney Harrison has a long full game as well.
#2: Atlanta Falcons (5-2)
(last ranking time #4) Ol' Michael Vick complained about not being allowed to be a QB, then threw 7 touchdown passes in the last two weeks. I bet he keeps that up and totally throws a ton of TD passes and they stomp the Lions out of control style gonna be stupid how bad it is, because the Falcons are totally legit the best team going in the NFC to challenge the Bears.
#3: New Orleans Saints (5-2)
(last ranking time #3) Apparently, the Saints are America's team now, because nothing is more American than getting totally fucked-up by something you have no control over, but then you can still make a flashy run of things briefly before reality sets in and your life gets as shitty as it always was, regardless of natural forces of a negative or positive nature.
#4: Carolina Panthers (4-4)
(last ranking time #5) Without Steve Smith, the Panthers are doomed all the time completely. With Steve Smith, they are only doomed every other week. Jake Delhomme, if I remember tenth grade french correctly, his name means "Jake of the Dude", so they'll always be semi-successful, I would imagine. One of the local AM radio sports stations is a Panthers affiliate, so I'll just be driving along and there'll be a panther roar and then like the team trainer will say "You're listening to piece of shit Charlottesville crappy AM 1304 and a half, home of the Carolina Panthers and shitty dude who follows ESPN paid programming at four o'clock."
#5: Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3)
(last ranking time #2) Seems like the Jags have set themselves up to perpetually be one of those teams that might suck, but might not, and yeah we'll go to the playoffs, but we won't do much with that, except every now and then we make the conference championship, but that's about it. That's the Jags, in a black QB's jockstrapshell.
#6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)
(last ranking time #6) They won a couple of them real quick-like, but still suck. Yellowman Sims had his spleen ruptured with tackles. Now they've got some Polish dude quarterbacking who has done well, but fuck, it's the Buccaneers. They snuck in and won a Super Bowl one time, but they're back to mediocrity forever and a day.
#7: Houston Texans (2-5)
(last ranking time #7) Mario Williams, the super-touted great draft pick of this year, is finally getting sacks. Big shit. A team that has been this shitty since their inception a few years back is a shame to the hometown pride that guys like Lil Keke and Mike Jones and OG Ron C have displayed for a while. I blame it on the shitty colors the Texans chose, as well as the name. They should change it to the Houston Rap-a-lots and make their team colors gold and black with platinum numbers and face masks. I bet they'd win a thousand Super Bowls like that. Plus, make Bum Phillips their coach, if he's still alive.
#8: Tennessee Titans (2-5)
(last ranking time #8) They beat the Redskins. Vince Young may have won a national championship with the University of Texas last year, but I don't think there's been a better retardedly named quarterback in football as Colt McCoy since Billy Joe Tolliver retired. If Colt McCoy ends up playing in the CFL, I will get a satellite again, because seeing a guy named Colt McCoy play for Saskatchewan or whoever with a weird geographic name still has a CFL team, that's some dumb shit that's worth the price of TV overload, so long as I have money left over to buy marijuana to encourage the proper enjoyment of said stupid TV.
#1: Indianapolis Colts (7-0)
(last ranking time #1) The Colts are great and all, but they're totally gonna get destroyed by Tom Brady and the Patriots this week. Peyton's gay-assed audible calls from the line with Tennessee theatre major overemphasis are no match for Tom Brady's no-nonsense Joe Montana-esqueness. And I bet Rodney Harrison has a long full game as well.
#2: Atlanta Falcons (5-2)
(last ranking time #4) Ol' Michael Vick complained about not being allowed to be a QB, then threw 7 touchdown passes in the last two weeks. I bet he keeps that up and totally throws a ton of TD passes and they stomp the Lions out of control style gonna be stupid how bad it is, because the Falcons are totally legit the best team going in the NFC to challenge the Bears.
#3: New Orleans Saints (5-2)
(last ranking time #3) Apparently, the Saints are America's team now, because nothing is more American than getting totally fucked-up by something you have no control over, but then you can still make a flashy run of things briefly before reality sets in and your life gets as shitty as it always was, regardless of natural forces of a negative or positive nature.
#4: Carolina Panthers (4-4)
(last ranking time #5) Without Steve Smith, the Panthers are doomed all the time completely. With Steve Smith, they are only doomed every other week. Jake Delhomme, if I remember tenth grade french correctly, his name means "Jake of the Dude", so they'll always be semi-successful, I would imagine. One of the local AM radio sports stations is a Panthers affiliate, so I'll just be driving along and there'll be a panther roar and then like the team trainer will say "You're listening to piece of shit Charlottesville crappy AM 1304 and a half, home of the Carolina Panthers and shitty dude who follows ESPN paid programming at four o'clock."
#5: Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3)
(last ranking time #2) Seems like the Jags have set themselves up to perpetually be one of those teams that might suck, but might not, and yeah we'll go to the playoffs, but we won't do much with that, except every now and then we make the conference championship, but that's about it. That's the Jags, in a black QB's jockstrapshell.
#6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5)
(last ranking time #6) They won a couple of them real quick-like, but still suck. Yellowman Sims had his spleen ruptured with tackles. Now they've got some Polish dude quarterbacking who has done well, but fuck, it's the Buccaneers. They snuck in and won a Super Bowl one time, but they're back to mediocrity forever and a day.
#7: Houston Texans (2-5)
(last ranking time #7) Mario Williams, the super-touted great draft pick of this year, is finally getting sacks. Big shit. A team that has been this shitty since their inception a few years back is a shame to the hometown pride that guys like Lil Keke and Mike Jones and OG Ron C have displayed for a while. I blame it on the shitty colors the Texans chose, as well as the name. They should change it to the Houston Rap-a-lots and make their team colors gold and black with platinum numbers and face masks. I bet they'd win a thousand Super Bowls like that. Plus, make Bum Phillips their coach, if he's still alive.
#8: Tennessee Titans (2-5)
(last ranking time #8) They beat the Redskins. Vince Young may have won a national championship with the University of Texas last year, but I don't think there's been a better retardedly named quarterback in football as Colt McCoy since Billy Joe Tolliver retired. If Colt McCoy ends up playing in the CFL, I will get a satellite again, because seeing a guy named Colt McCoy play for Saskatchewan or whoever with a weird geographic name still has a CFL team, that's some dumb shit that's worth the price of TV overload, so long as I have money left over to buy marijuana to encourage the proper enjoyment of said stupid TV.
Death Valley Driver Video Review #163 Hype!
DVDVR #163
A ton of good stuff in here, including lucha reviews galore thanks to my man Mr. Ed Turtle. But the best shit is the Mitsuhiro Matsunaga feud round table bullshit. Then again, if you are one of the four people who read this, you already read most of this shit, at least what I did. You should go read the other dudes, too, though. All two of you.
#86 SLOW-MOWED SINGLES: Soul In The Hole
This song is like the NFL putting an NFL All-Stars video starring Ian Gold, T.J. Duckett, and Kyle Boller. The Wu All-Stars was a great way to make you think the shitty Wu-Tang b-team was something more than the shitty Wu-Tang b-team. And to make it more retarded, all they did in this song was rap about playing basketball. So you have Dreddy Kruger saying "time out, god, peace, god," and Shyheim the Rugged Child rhyming about doing suicide drills making his calf muscles more muscular. Still, I used to play this instrumental like wild, mostly because I was brainwashed and me and this black dude would sit around in my trailer getting high and freestyle all the time to Wu-Tang instrumentals I had on vinyl while playing college football on the Sega Genesis I traded some weed for. It was all great fun, until we could hear the dude in the next trailer beating the shit out of his wife. She was cute too, so long as she wasn't all bruised up.
#32 RAP TAPES: Licensed To Ill
Hey, this was when even black people who didn't talk like white people liked the Beastie Boys. I used to have this chick who I dated when I was like 12 and she lived like two or three miles away, and I would ride my 10-speed to her place with this shit on the cassette walkman was the popular style at the time, sort of like your new-fangled robot ipod, but different because it was larger and didn't make you look like a faggot. Well, I would ride my bike to her place and we'd go down this gravel road where her horse she had was and we'd feed the horse then sit in the hay building and kiss and kiss and kiss and her mouth tasted like bubble gum and I never got to fuck her because her dad made her break up with me because I had hair that was not American and he was an army American. But I never compromised. I was fighting for my right, yo.
Thursday, November 2
DVDVR #162
Forgot to link up the old DVDVR, with a cover drawn by my non-drinking man Mike Tommyrot. He probably don't know he did it, but I found it and put it up there. Plus reviewed some crap. Wrestling is gay, don't you know?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)