#17: WASHINGTON REDSKINS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year, lost in NFC Wild Card round; 40 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: In case you don’t be knowing the obvious, I am a lifelong Redskins fan, and my personal emotions are far too umbilically attached to a professional sports team I have absolutely no control over. So obviously for me, being 35-years-old, the heyday was the first Joe Gibbs era when they won three Super Bowls. And the King of that era, to me, a full-grown retard/full-blown alcoholic, is John Riggins. He was a throwback player, who could drink till four in the morning then bull rush for 150 yards. Today's athlete, with off-season OTAs and HGH injections, would never roll like Riggo rolled. And they will never have the style Riggo had. That dude was a legend. He told a Supreme Court lady to "lighten up bitch" or something like that. I don't really care if that's perfect truth, because he is a legend and that makes sense from the shadow he casts. From his Travis Bickle haircut when he was with the Jets to everything he did in Washington, there is no fucking with John Riggins.
TEAM HOSS: One thing I'll give Joe Gibbs crazy credit for in his second stint is that even though he's a wacky born again Christian old dude, he definitely openly embraced the wacky character on this Redskins team. I am hoping they continue this trend, because with crazy fuckers like Chris Cooley (who is running a beard-growing contest on his own blog, and wore those tight ass shorts last year, plus the white man's fro he used to rock), Clinton Portis (aka Sheriff Gonna Getcha aka Mr. Dress-Up aka a weird ass motherfucker), and Fred Smoot (shit talker of the year every year he's been in the NFL, plus alleged instigator of the infamous Vikings boat trip), it makes the team interesting even if they aren't champions of the world and shit. But for my favorite dude who personifies this all, I have to go with Mike Sellers, the starting fullback, who should be a Pro Bowler if the world was just. Dude dyes his beard blonde like a wrestler, went jet skiing or some shit in the Everglades in the off-season around alligators, and apparently, according to local newspaper articles, is just as retarded at home as he is on camera. On a team full of fucked-up dudes, he is the most notable, maybe not nationally, but definitely for me.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Without a doubt, the saddest moment of my life as a Redskins fan was seeing that press conference where Deion Sanders came rolling out in his burgundy pimp/preacher get-up with the gold handkerchief hanging out his pocket. There is no person on this earth related to the football that I hate more than Deion Sanders. I donate blood as often as I can, but if I found out he had some sort of blood disease that needed regular transfusion to stay alive, I would quit donating blood until he died. Just one of many wonderful aspects to Sean Taylor's short impact on Redskins culture is how he exorcised the demons of that #21 by being a straight-up ass-kicker, and not some high-stepping cocksucker.
TEAM ASS: I am not buying into this Jason Taylor is awesome bullshit. First off, I never trust Bill Parcells because that motherfucker is a sneaky like Japs. I would not be even slightly surprised if he uses the draft pick he got from the Redskins to draft some defensive end out of some shithole Division II team in Montana that ends up getting more sacks than Deacon Jones in drunken double vision. I have to admit that I do not trust yellowboned black people who talk with a white-ish enunciation. Black dudes who do it? No problem. But yellowboned ass people who do that strike in me distrust, because how can you trust a person who knows not their own culture? Is hodgepodge a culture? I'm sure it is, and my family's best friends are an interracial family with four mulatto children, who are all beautiful children that I would do anything for. But what culture is fauntleroy-footed star dancing, and twinkly eyed Sportscenter sound bites about still having heart even on a bum foot? I don't know man... I don't yet put Taylor up there with Bruce Smith and Deion Sanders as all-time totally not for-real Redskins type Redskins, but he is penciled in, and unless he gets a ton of sacks or breaks Eli Manning or Tony Romo's leg, then he's on that short list, probably even ahead of Smith.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Vinny Cerrato is the newfound player personnel dorkfuck who has been right handing and yes-sirring Danny Boy Snyder the past five years or so. He is also the guy who completely fist-fucked the 49ers into overall first draft pick contention after the Joe Montana/Steve Young Super Bowl era ran its course. Honestly, I think the Redskins are completely doomed unless there is a Potomac River helicopter crash involving Snyder and Cerrato and somehow Sean Taylor's daughter and Suri Cruise inherit the team together, and until they are 18, a trust is set up where Sonny Jurgensen, Sam Huff, Darrell Green, Dexter Manley, Art Monk, John Riggins, and Joe Gibbs make all team decisions on a rotating daily basis, with Gibbs getting Sundays so he can coach most of the games.
SENIOR PLAYER: Offensive tackle Jon Jansen was a second round draft pick in 1999. He also gets injured every other fucking game.
THE RUDY: Stephon Heyer was an undrafted rookie last year out of Maryland on offensive line who played a big-time role covering for injured millionaires on a league minimum paycheck. I am rooting hard for him to have a long and productive career in that capacity, although the Skins have some high profile rookie homo from Wisconsin or some shit that's all high in the eye of the ancient O-line coach. What this team needs is more dreadlocked black dudes, not deerhunters with bow hunting prowess. Well, really, the two genres form the yin and yang of a perfect offensive line, so I guess I can't complain too much.
FORMER HURRICANE: They've got a few of them, but with Sean Taylor the Manimal dead at the hands of errant house robbers (who must've been scared shitless when confronted with monster ass Taylor in his boxer holding a sword), there is no one more awesome from the U than Clinton Portis. I imagine he will have a breakout year and do awesome interviews with hilarious props. Also, he rushed for more yards his rookie season than Adrian Peterson. That means fuck Adrian Peterson.
VIRGINIA BOY: Wide receiver Billy McMullen was a high profile star at UVA, and has failed to live up to expectations in the NFL on a couple of teams. Now, he's filling a roster spot in preseason as a last ditch effort to show and prove before the Redskins dump him, unless one of their stupid rookies can't get their shit together before the season starts.
WILD SAMOAN: Being the Redskins lack a bonafide Polynesian fucker, the closest thing to a wild Samoan the Skins have is back-up rookie quarterback Colt Brennan, who I foresee leading the team to a thousand Super Bowls eventually.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: The Redskins defense, with guys like Cornelius Griffin and Rocky McIntosh, sound like the country club membership in 1934 of a west coast boomtown. But London Fletcher is a 33rd degree freemason, bilderberger, Skull & Bone sounding dude, who would’ve been vice president but didn’t want the ceremonial duties to conflict with him raking a fortune off some sort of shady industrial scam, depleting locals of their natural resources.
FANTASY JERSEY: I saw this older black dude at the Food Lion one time with an all-black Redskins jersey, black jersey with black letters that had a slight burgundy hue, #89 MOSS jersey. I actually asked him about it because that shit was tight and he was all elderly and slick, like he would’ve hung out with Omar Little and shit, scheming up some ghetto Robin Hood honorable code of the degenerate criminal type thangs. I would get a jersey like that, but #21, Sean Taylor.
#18: CAROLINA PANTHERS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 40 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: You know, the obvious choice for me would be Kevin Greene, with his bulbous head holding long hair and his free spirited yet partially retarded demeanor, but I'm gonna get all touchy-feely and say Sam Mills holds this role. Mills came out of a shithole unknown college to play for the Saints, make a name for himself, and get picked up by the Panthers when they became an expansion team. He was an undersized monster, and tore shit up for a long-ass minute, until he got the cancers. The cancers fucked him up and killed him. Never forget the cancers. The cancers also killed my grandmama the day after Christmas 2006, so I know about the cancers, and I sometimes wish I knew how these two fuckfaces running for President stood on the cancers issue. But Sam Mills made a deep ass impact as a bad ass, even with the cancers, so much so that his son has been a coach with the Panthers since before his dad's death. Sam Mills III is a coach with the Panthers to this day, even though his pops died three or four years ago, and Mills the third is only fucking 30. Sam Mills the elder (but a junior in real life at the time, unbeknownst to all of us from his nameplate) was the opposite of the current trend of oversized roaming safety who crushes motherfuckers; he was an undersized roaming linebacker who crushed motherfuckers. He didn't get the fear factor from the whistle; he made that shit by popping bitches in the helmet. Mad props to that dead motherfucker.
TEAM HOSS: You know, I don't care that Steve Smith broke his teammate's jaw in practice and got suspended. Steve Smith is the best player on that team, a real gamebreaker, but with attitude. He gets his shoes airbrushed before every fucking game, pays his fines happily, and tears shit up. It would be nice to see him live up to his heart and perform big-time again like he did a couple seasons ago, but never would I accept sports nerd homos speaking down upon the Steve Smith name in the same breath with closeted basket cases like T.O. and Chad Johnson.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: As much as I like to be a dick and glorify nonsensical violent types, there is no way to pump up Rae Carruth. I mean, if he had shot his pregnant girlfriend himself, maybe you could in a pure devil advocacy mode hype it up. But he didn't; he hired someone else. And then, if he had just been like, "Yeah, I did that shit. She was a crazy bitch, man. You don't even know. I'd do it again in a heartbeat," about it all, you could probably give him props for being unrepentantly crazy, but he was found hiding in the trunk of a car like a pure punk ass. It often makes me wonder how jail's gone for him. Jail has strange hierarchies, and famous people are prime punking material, as are child harmers, as are punk bitches. Ol' Rae seems to have the trifecta going for him. I guess that makes me feel sorry for him though, because as stupidly inconsiderate (I don't think people who don't think about shit can be evil) as he was, I would never wish constant demeaning homosexual confined rape without repercussion on anyone. Except Deion Sanders.
TEAM ASS: D.J. Hackett was an underperforming jackass at shitty Seattle, so how's he gonna be a real man in Carolina? Basically, I have few problems with most Panthers, as they are my alternative favorite team when I need one as a sign of protest against Dan Snyder's dipshit regime, and he was the best I could come up with on the fly.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: This team is biding its time until Bill Cowher takes over. I guess it was two years ago that the Steelers happened to be playing at Carolina, and we got stuck in traffic coming back from further south after the game let out, and it was amazing how much Steelers fans had taken over. There is a large contingent, larger than could travel, there in stupid Carolina. And both teams have similar franchise philosophies - steady defense #1, pounding running game #2, fill in all gaps #3. I think they're at a point where John Fox hasn't outright done anything wrong to lose his job, though he's had his job for far longer than a lot of more successful coaches, so he just needs to slip up real bad again like maybe just a touch worse than last year to finally get canned so they can bring in Cowher, who's living in Carolina anyways and probably wants to stroke his own ego and show how he can win again, even if he can't.
SENIOR PLAYER: John Kasay has been the kicker for the Panthers since their inception in 1994.
THE RUDY: Starting fullback Brad Hoover was undrafted out of Western Carolina in the year 2000. There's mad punishing big ass whiteboys in the mountains of western Carolina. Trust me; I've gotten my ass kicked there numerous times.
FORMER HURRICANE: Starting middle linebacker Jon Beason is one of the few monsters Miami's sent up to the pro level the past two or three years. I like how the Panthers are basically like the southern Steelers in philosophy.
VIRGINIA BOY: Starting tight end Jeff King's from out of Virginia Tech, which means all he really did out of college was shoot down the Blue Ridge Parkway to North Carolina and get paid like a motherfucker. And he's still close enough to shoot back up on an off-day to pull that collegiate furburger.
WILD SAMOAN: The largest two players on the Panthers roster are back-up guard Toniu Fonoti (at 350 pounds) and nose tackle Maake Kemoeatu (at 345 pounds). I bet they can fuck up some Chinaman buffets. I went to the Chinaman buffet last week, and you can see the economy’s effect. There were no steamed mussels anymore, instead it was clams. And they didn’t have baked pork either. I’ll eat the fuck out of that one kind of dim sum that you can see the beef inside, but I’m sketched out by those ones wrapped in rice paper and look like lotus flowers or anything. I mean, I’d like to check it out, but like sushi, I figure if I’m gonna get into all that, I should go to a good restaurant to try it out in a proper manner, not just dip ladles into the Chinaman buffet’s steam trays.
THE ICKY: Running back LaBrandon Toefield’s name is funny to me. But I am also half-stupid.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Julius Peppers sounds like he could’ve been a tobacco magnate making his grandchildren’s millions off the slave-like labor of sharecroppers.
FANTASY JERSEY: Carolina blue #91 GREENE.
#19: TENNESSEE TITANS
PERTINENT DATA: 10-6 last year, lost in AFC Wild Card round; 40 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Even though it was pre-Titans era, there is no greater intimidating presence as dominant black man running back as Earl Campbell. Being a kid who came of age as a football watcher in the early '80s, Earl was a smooth punisher. One reason I didn't like Eddie George was simply because he lacked the aura of Earl. Also, Eddie George's head looked like a junior mint, which kinda creeped me out.
TEAM HOSS: Albert Haynesworth is a monster of the middle of the field, and far more well-spoken than you'd stereotypically expect from a guy who gained notoriety by stomping his cleats into the bare forehead of another player one time. To his credit, it was a Dallas Cowboy, which is kinda like aborting deformed children created during rape.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Eddie George I do not like. He went to Fork Union Military Academy which is eight miles from my house (and supposedly has produced more NFL players than any other high school inside the America), and I don't like that place. I would normally expound on my disgust of Eddie, but instead I'd like to tell you about how I've involved myself into a domestic violence situation. This guy I know, whose kid I coached in soccer at age six, and worked really hard to get her to open up and try, against the influences of her yelling ass overbearing father on the sidelines, well this guy had been beating the shit out of his wife. It got to the point their oldest kid videotaped it to be all confrontational. Now this is in the realm of uber-Christian homeschooler parameters, where he is king, which is how he's gotten away with beating the fuck out of his wife, who is half his size easily, all this time. Seriously, I'm not smart when it comes to picking fights, and I wouldn't pick a fight with this guy because he's like 6'5" and 280 of solid. He works at FUMA in some capacity or another. Well, after his kid video'd him beating the shit out of his subservient wife again, and confronted him with the video, he beat the shit out of the kid. To his credit, it was allegedly the first time he beat the shit out of any of his kids physically. Well, in true country ass fashion, the wife and kids hid behind some hay bales while he was sleeping, and snuck off. They were in hiding and shit, but some people I know got their organic homegrown milk from them, and was in contact with some people they knew, so I called up a dude who was a cop friend I know, not to snitch, because no snitching, but to get some helpful domestic services numbers and shit to pass through the grapevine to this lady, because I'm sure in a subservient Christian sheltered environment where her husband would point parcels of the bible saying women were secondhand to menfolk, she had little faith in her right to not get beat, and the kid getting beaten just triggered emotional maternal instincts that would eventually get overridden by familial duty. And I fully expect her to go back to him, even though he told her time and time again he'd find her and kill her if she ever went to the authorities, and I have no doubt he'd do it, too. So my second oldest kid starts under-6 soccer this year, so I'm coaching that age group again. I wonder what wonderful drama awaits me in the long run this time around?
TEAM ASS: Back-up quarterback Kerry Collins is a born loser who hates black people and secretly drinks up Vince Young's voodoo offerings, making jokes about Jobu needing a refill, hoping to become the starter and lead the team to a miraculous 19th overall pick in next year's draft. Also, he is a recovering drunk, which is a stupid thing to recover from.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: The Tennessee Titans' future rest completely upon Vince Young, and his ability to be a smarter quarterback than he looks and sounds like. One of the most disappointing things about Michael Vick's dogfighting brouhaha is that eventually, just through sheer numbers, Vince Young will appear to be a superior later model of the Michael Vick style QB, when in actuality Young is more like a mongoloid Michael Vick, albeit a loveable and non-threatening mongoloid. Vick's prison sentence set back the run-happy black quarterback movement five years at least, ten years more likely, and I bet Randall Cunningham is pissed, because he's less likely to be around when the path he blazed finally reaches its peak.
SENIOR PLAYER: Craig Hentrich has been kicking it like Billy Jack in punting situmacations since 1998.
THE RUDY: Fullback Ahmard Hall was undrafted out of Texas three seasons ago, and makes strong ways for the crowded backfield behind him.
FORMER HURRICANE: Well, no Hurricanes, so I'll go ahead and shift to USC Trojan alum instead like I threatened in the intro week. And there is no more amusing and wacky Trojan in Tennessee than LenDale White. That big, goofy bastard is far more interesting than Reggie Bush.
VIRGINIA BOY: Safety Vincent Fuller was probably supposed to be a bigger deal out of Virginia Tech than he’s ended up being, but he is holding his spot tightly.
WILD SAMOAN: All-Pro center Kevin Mawae is the old guard of Hawaiian ass motherfuckers playing in the NFL, in his fifteenth year.
THE ICKY: Without a doubt, tight end Alge Crumpler, who has the best most retarded name in all of the NFL.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Starting cornerback Cortland Finnegan, jew manager of many of the Grand Ole Opry’s biggest star. Well, that’s not right of me. Finnegan is a very non-semitic name, as is Cortland Finnegan a very non-african-american name, but being he is an NFL cornerback, I can only assume he is black, due to the Jason Sehorn Rule (aka no more shitty ass white dudes playing cornerback; they have to play safety only).
FANTASY JERSEY: Powder blue #34 Earl Cambpell joint, Oilers style. Fuck this Titans soccer jersey bullshit.
#20: BUFFALO BILLS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 45 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Could it be anybody but O.J. Simpson? I resent the Def Comedy Jam stereotype that all white people hate O.J., because that's my boy. Naked Gun, stabbing cheating bitches, interstate chases, stealing cable TV, bumrushing a hotel room to steal back some shit he already sold but now feels bad about... O.J. is like my dream friend - the kind of guy you wouldn't invite to cookouts in the back yard because your wife hated his bullshit, but if you were gonna meet up with the boys out at a bar to shoot some pool, you know you'd call his ass.
TEAM HOSS: If Marshawn Lynch was from the "How Many Emcees Must Get Dissed" era, I'd pick him easily; but he's more of a Maybach black man than wayback black man. So I'm going with fat ass Marcus Stroud, who came over from the Jacksonville Jaguars, to try and give the Bills defense some fucking heart.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I have always thought of the defensive tandem of Bruce Smith and Darryl Talley as a pair of guys who look like they'd patrol the late night streets of mid-sized cities, looking for runaways to group fuck and turn into lifelong lost causes. And knowing they played in the NFL's cocaine era just makes me even more sure of this. Google up some face shots of these guys - Smith with his bug eyes and Talley with his El Debarge by way of a strip mall haircut - and there is no doubt about their evil ways. I'm just glad they played in Buffalo so that they could cross the border and rape and pillage Canadian souls so that I am less likely to have to deal with the mess they left behind in their wake. Being I have to choose one for this spot, I'd go with Bruce Smith over Darryl Talley, because he looks more like a ringleader, whereas I could see a dude who looks Talley being like, "Nah, I don't know man, that sounds fucked up," then talked into it after smoking a fat joint and doing a couple of rails in between cups of gin on ice.
TEAM ASS: Linebacker Paul Posluszny has a heavy consonant last name and came from Penn State as a high profile superstar in the making, but can't live up to that potential, like most Penn State stars of the past fifteen years. You take that background and put it in one of those butt ass ugly Buffalo Bills uniforms and that makes for a first class suck ass.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Marv Levy is an old ass man who went to four Super Bowls and won none of them, yet somehow he has clout behind the scenes. If he somehow miraculously can do as managerial puppet master what he couldn't do as actual coach, then the Bills are on solid ground. But most likely they are fucked until he and his even older ass owner circle jerk buddy literally pass on the torch to someone who has the foresight to change their eurofag uniforms and instill a winning tradition between the snowbanks of Orchard Park.
SENIOR PLAYER: Defensive end Aaron Schobel was a second round draft pick in 2001, right before 9/11. Long snapper Brian Moorman also joined the team that offseason. That means the Buffalo Bills have two players, only two, who were on the team when 9/11 happened and the conflicts in the Middle East started up.
THE RUDY: Usually the undrafted starting types play fullback or outside linebacker or some shit, but Jabari Greer slipped out the draft out of Tennessee, but clawed his way into the starting lineup after Nate Clements bolted Buffalo for big, fat 49er paychecks.
FORMER HURRICANE: Special teamist/wide receiver Roscoe Parrish, sporting a very 1979 black guy name.
VIRGINIA BOY: Fullback Darian Barnes comes from traditionally black college Hampton University, which has been producing far more NFL players in recent years than a small, less than a decade removed from Division I-AA school should expect to make.
WILD SAMOAN: Defensive end Shaun Nua, who I thought might be Samoan, and played at Brigham Young, and it seems like a bunch of those Samoan dudes who get to America play in the state of Utah because they’re Mormons too. Samoan Mormons... imagine a crew of 320 pound dudes in those black slacks and white shirts walking around town, sweating like pigs.
THE ICKY: Running back Xavier Omon sounds like a white rapper with a sci-fi bent originally from some college town in Iowa, but moved to Chicago because he hooked up through myspace with a producer who did two tracks for Lupe Fiasco a few years back. He’s gonna hit it big.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Duke Preston is a guard, and sugar industry magnate.
FANTASY JERSEY: Old school #32 SIMPSON, but I doubt NFL Shop would allow for it.
#21: DENVER BRONCOS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 50 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I have always been a Karl Mecklenburg fan, because I've always assumed he was this Bill Romanowski-style white guy defensive degenerate, just he never got busted for it. Also, when my dad died, he lived in a Mecklenburg County, Virginia, which I always change the words of that John Prine song to say. Although, I have to admit I just google searched Mecklenburg to make sure I was spelling his last name right and I guess he's some sort of motivational speaker for high schools now, which is mad gay. Hopefully he's just a drunk ass, pill-popper trying to Mark Chmura some high school honies at the Comfort Inn though.
TEAM HOSS: I was set to go with Travis Henry and his Ol' Dirty Bastard style father figuring, but he's been long cut from this milquetoast ass team. So in that case, I'm gonna go with Tom Nalen, the pre-eminent dirty offensive lineman of a team built upon dirty offensive linemen play. Nalen would fit in well with those late '70s dudes who bit calf muscles to take linebackers out and shit.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: John Elway is one of my all-time least favorite players, and when I imagine Deion Sanders getting AIDS, it is usually because he has a sore on his dick and John Elway is fellating him with cold sores on the interior of his mouth and he is an unknowing HIV carrier. The horseface angle seems too obvious, so I'll let that one pass. Actually, I was a big fan, though not a practicing one, of arena football until that one year when John Elway and Jon Bon Jovi became the famous owners of arena league teams. That ruined the arena league for me forever, and I'll never come back, unless Art Schlichter and Todd Marinovich become co-owners of an expansion team together, preferably in the rural midwest to appease fans of the Iowa Barnstormers pissed after their team got displaced to NYC.
TEAM ASS: I am so enamored with Clinton Portis that I will go against football logic and badmouth Champ Bailey. At that time, he was wanting money equivalent to a wide receiver, because he was what was considered a shutdown cornerback. That's some serious jew agent thinking there, even if he ran back a couple interceptions a year for TDs. I was not bothered by seeing him go, because he was short-time anyways, wanting the ridiculous money he wanted (which probably is pretty low by now's standards though), and his flat ass face never put on funny glasses and pretended to be a vampire.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Loveable quarterback Jay Cutler has shown promise enough to make pigskin pundits be like he's one of the solid next level young QBs who will help take his franchise back to the heavenly glories that ol' horseface took them to. Whether he lives up to that or not will probably extend or cut short stupid child molester Mike Shanahan's overrated coaching career.
SENIOR PLAYER: Center Tom Nalen, one of the forebearers of their chop-blocking dirty ass O-line, was a seventh round draft pick in 1994.
THE RUDY: Selvin Young was undrafted out of Texas last year, and will help Shanahan continue to stroke his own ego about how he can take running backs out of a bucket of recycleable bottles and get 1000 yards out of them.
FORMER HURRICANE: Linebacker D.J. Williams is one of thoes high profile former first round picks that hasn't done bad enough to get booted just yet, but hasn't exactly lived up to collegiate expectations, which means he'll be a high profile free agent linebacker at some point whenever his contract runs out, since teams don't let actual good players go anymore really.
VIRGINIA BOY: John Engelberger wasn't even the best defensive end coming out of Virginia Tech the year he was drafted... that would have been Corey Moore. But Moore blinged up, flamed out, and disappeared. Last I heard, he got shot somewhere in Tennessee. Meanwhile, Engelberger has crafted an almost decade-long career for himself, mostly in San Francisco, but the past few seasons in Denver.
WILD SAMOAN: Without a real Samoan, I revert to Plan B, which is terrorist-sounding motherfuckers, which means either linebacker Niko Koutovides or safety Hamza Abdullah.
THE ICKY: You know, I think rarely have I ever picked against Ebenezer Ekuban for having the greatest fucked-up name on an NFL team, but I just can't not pick starting defensive end Elvis Dumervil. Black guys named Elvis are already funny enough, but throw in that last name and you have a team winner. I bet he got ragged on hard whenever his mom called out the front door for him, angrily using his whole name for the first time for new neighborhood kids to hear it. "ELVIS DUMERVIL - WHERE YOU AT, BOY?" and then mad laughter and relentless hazing at school for years. Shit, that's probably how he ended up tough enough to be a D-end.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Fullback Peyton Hillis, whose child slave sex offerings at a Bohemian Grove rendezvous in the '80s to east coast Anheuser execs led to Coors being offered nationally. Mark Harmon was made their commercial spokesman because he just happened to be there having sex with the kid too.
FANTASY JERSEY: I would only wear one of those old ugly orange Broncos jerseys, none of this new soccerfag bullshit. And I guess the only one I could decently wear would be a Bill Romanowski one. I think I might've said that about the 49ers too, but who the fuck can remember? This is the internet... if no one's got a youtube video of a duck eating Doritos while pretending to read my football post last week, it's probably lost to the world already, if it was ever found.
#22: ARIZONA CARDINALS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year; 50 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Being a big fan of giant white guys with shitty dispositions who mangled opposing black dudes mostly out of a hatred for anything across the line of scrimmage but potentially also the channeling of an underlying racist mind frame, I'm gonna have to go with Conrad Dobler. He was before they went to Arizona, but was so was everything else noteoworthy about this franchise.
TEAM HOSS: I have a markdown #21 Cardinals jersey with no number on the front nor name on the back (but with the NFL patch, which I'm told I could sell inside the ebays for some coin), so I guess by default I'd say Antrel Rolle is my man on the Arizona football team. But really, I'd say Matt Leinart, but I'm gonna talk about him later and I'm trying to be all faggy and have different dudes for each category.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: When Dan Dierdorf was on Monday Night Football (when that was the pre-eminent football game of the week), I would've said him easily. But when he moved to CBS to do regular Sunday games, I started to like the ol' double Ds. But Neil Lomax, who was a big strong-armed, half-retarded quarterback destined for failure long before Rex Grossman came along, never redeemed himself. I remember back before QBs could be retards or black, when Lomax had those big ass wristbands with all the plays on there, and that was some shit to make fun of. Nowadays, I guess it's considered okay, because you see QBs with forearm wristbands with like laminated sheets on their arms that they can flip open and consult when the play is beamed into their microchips.
TEAM ASS: Kurt Warner is an annoying piece of shit, even as the grizzled old veteran.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Here's where I talk about Matt Leinart. He catches flack for having pics with two chicks drinking or not being dedicated to the very serious craft of professional footballism. I say fuck that noise. Matt Leinart is a credit to real men because all he really wants to do is get paid for doing just enough, clock some womenfolks, and do it all with his drink being got on as well. He's young, good looking, and parties in a godless manner with various vaginas - the polar opposite of stupid Kurt Warner. So long as the Cardinals embrace a fun-in-the-sun team mentality, allowing Leinart to thrive, they can find massive success I imagine. Edgerrin James seems like a good fit with that, and a much better mentor for the young Leinart than Warner.
SENIOR PLAYER: Pro Bowl safety (although doesn't half the league make the Pro Bowl now, with injuries and cancellations?) Adrian Wilson was a third rounder in 2001, and thus is the longest tenured fucker on this oddball menagerie of underachievers.
THE RUDY: Back-up safety Aaron Francisco was undrafted out of BYU in 2005, and has been good enough to keep a roster spot, but never good enough to start.
FORMER HURRICANE: Edgerrin James is one of the more The U swaggering players in the NFL. He will always be the best former Hurricane on any team he's on, and it's even more appropriate when you think about all the blonde co-eds floating around Arizona for him to diddle around upon.
VIRGINIA BOY: Tackle Elton Brown was always a big, goofy fave of mine when he played at UVA, but it's hard not to get behind rookie running back Tim Hightower, who came from nowhere to help Richmond have a good I-AA run last year, and earned himself a shot at the NFL in the process. If the University of Richmond wasn't full of so many ultra-rich, ultra-white assholes, I'd probably not even mention Elton Brown. Not that UVA doesn't have the same disease.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting guard and former USC Trojan Deuce Lutui, who came as part of the same draft class as Leinart. Every high profile blue chip quarterback prospect should come pre-equipped with a 330 pound Samoan to block for him.
THE ICKY: Back-up wide receiver Jamaica Rector, who sounds like a made-up character in one of those crappy urban realism novels that are always in the markdown bin at bookstores nowadays.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Safety Oliver Celestin, using migrant coyotes bringing in steady, easily exploitable labor, to keep his industrial labyrinth humming at a high profit.
FANTASY JERSEY: Straight up, I'd gladly sport a #7 LEINART jambo in the white with red sleeves, because I like this young gigolo Matt Leinart. He's like the new Jim Druckenmiller, cavorting with young women and having questionable alcoholic tendencies, but he has the potential to succeed in such a manner. I bet Suzy Kolber, with her slut eyes, would kiss Leinart.
#23: OAKLAND RAIDERS
PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 50 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I bought the Ken Stabler autobiography at a junk store a few years back, and Stabler was great, as you'd expect. But the best thing I got from his book was how when Ted Hendricks came over as a free agent linebacker from the Baltimore Colts, everyone was wondering if he'd fit in with that Raiders style. And the first practice, everyone showed up, but there was no Ted Hendricks. Then, up on the hill, everybody sees him, in full football uniform, except for an actual spiked helmet like on the Raiders logo, sitting on top of a horse, that he rode down to the practice field. That story alone, even if Ken Stabler embellished it or made it up completely, makes Ted Hendricks my favorite Raiders player ever.
TEAM HOSS: I was gonna say some "longhaired country ass whiteboy" bullshit about Robert Gallery, but fuck it, I'm just gonna jump on the bandwagon and say Darren McFadden is gonna be more Adrian Peterson than a motherfucker. He's gonna make Reggie Bush look like a chump ass. He's gonna help the Raiders win 7 games this year, which is saying a ton for a player playing for a team paralyzed by the only NFL owner worse than Dan Snyder.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I've always considered Marcus Allen a far more appropriate egotistic personality to play the role of O.J. Simpson, who has far more redeeming comedic talents. Although I did see Allen make a cameo on a rerun of the Bernie Mac Show a few weeks ago. He wasn't really funny though. It's also weird to me to think of the same white slut chicks fucking NFL stars and hair metal guitarists back in the day. That's a strange cross-cutting of circles.
TEAM ASS: Wide receiver Ronald Curry was a high profile basketball/football dual-sport recruit out of the Hampton area in high school, and he committed to Virginia, but then reneged and switched to North Carolina, and even though I probably like the state of North Carolina more than my own home state, and living near UVA the past eight years has made me loathe them with a passion. But I still hold it against Ronald Curry. Fuck him.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Well, beyond the obvious of Al Davis' old out-of-touch ass riding around in a golf cart, the future of the Raiders is gonna depend on whether JaMarcus Russell's big ass can be a pro QB or not. Darren McFadden is a running back, and he'll get his luster, and it might be bright, but there's always another shining RB floating around Division I college football. But QBs are harder to come by, and Russell was a questionable member of that #1 pick club, but Al Davis is willing to live with a strong-armed 255 pound QB. How the fuck do you have a quarterback bigger than a fullback?
SENIOR PLAYER: Polock kicker Sebastian Janikowski was a first round pick in 2000. I'm sure Al Davis will keep him until he dies since he wasted a first round pick on a mediocre, troublesome, overweight kicker.
THE RUDY: Tommy Kelly was undrafted out of Mississippi State in 2004, worked his way into the starting line-up, and just got a new contract so ridiculous that even he made public comments about how shocking it was.
FORMER HURRICANE: William Joseph, who washed out in New York with Giants, and was part of their offseason purging of Hurricane players, is getting a second chance in Oakland, the homeplace of NFL second chances. Well, I guess there's Dallas now too, but Jerry Jones and his old white guy imitation of Michael Jackson's face is not as fun as Al Davis.
VIRGINIA BOY: Speaking of second chances, DeAngelo Hall was run off from Atlanta as part of their offseason purging of Va. Tech Hokies players, but Al Davis threw a golf cart pull-along wagon full of money at him and now Hall feels loved again in Oakland. He'll do well there, and they will either end up being a pretty tight somewhat anonymous defense, or the most overpaid stupidest half of the ball in recent memory, with Hall and Kelly dripping fresh bling.
WILD SAMOAN: In lieu of actual Samoans (shocking for NorCal), I give you the tag team of former California Bears of starting cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha and O-lineman Adimchinobe Echemandu. It is obvious that while USC is building up a rep as being good to Polynesians, Cal is turning towards recruiting in Nigeria or some shit.
THE ICKY: Terdell Sands parents were not cool to him, or were just too stupid to think about what they were naming the kid. I'm sure it's one of those hybrid names, like his father's name was Ladell and his mother's name was Terri. And he probably does the T.O. thing and says, "It's TEAR-dell, not TUR-dell." But whatever man.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: I think a guy named Cooper Carlisle was Secretary of Labor under LBJ.
FANTASY JERSEY: #99 SAPP, in evil ominous black. You will not be forgotten, you big fruity stoner. I think what sucks about the NFL coverage on network TV is how vanilla it is. Why the fuck would you pick Michael Strahan's gaptoothed dork ass to annoy people with his color commentary as a former professional, when Warren Sapp is right fucking there?
#24: CINCINNATI BENGALS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 60 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Icky Woods, because he could shuck and jive in a greatly comedic manner. Plus, his name was Icky.
TEAM HOSS: Deltha O'Neal is no longer the starting headhunter racking up fines like he once was, but he's playing his third corner role better than would be expected from a former glory hog. And on a team full of assholes I don't really like, he's about the best I can find on their roster.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Cris Collinsworth was an annoying white bread fucker when he played, but now as self-important, pretentious ass know-it-all that’s on my television four out of every five minutes in between games during football seasons, god fucking damn. I used to wish he’d shut up but now I wish he’d get crushed by construction cranes. Smarmy ass motherfucker.
TEAM ASS: Chad Johnson is an overrated piece of shit all the way around. He's overrated, most oftenly by himself, as an elite receiver; and he's overrated by hipster dumbasses of the sports variety as being a wackily great character into today's football landscape. His antics, much like T.O.'s actually, are the feeble cries for attention of a soft-spoken man obviously trapped inside the closet of repressed homosexuality. Like doing that fake cover of himself buck naked for ESPN magazine - a mag whose subscriber demographic is ENTIRELY ADULT MALES. I do not hate all homosexuals, but I do hate repressed homosexuals, because if you are something, be that, proudly. Jump into a room full of assholes with doorknobs made of dickheads. Although, it is gonna be funny to look back on him putting on that Hall of Fame jacket, when the closest he's gonna get is attending the ceremonies when... well, no Bengals will probably get inducted. Maybe he'll go to look at Michael Irvin's bust though.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: The Brown family, without a doubt. Marvin Lewis was my easy pick, as this ship is either gonna sink or barely stay afloat with his career this year. But then Mike Brown forced Chris Henry's delinquent ass back on Lewis. What the fuck is up with the Brian Billick coaching tree? Billick is supposed offensive mastermind but coaches a team with an absolutely impotent offense kept alive by a punishing defense. Then Marvin Lewis, defensive general for the ages, goes to Cincinnati, and they lose games where they score 40-plus points. I guess they came from the Denny Green tree though (I think, but I don't wanna look it up, take it for gospel since it's on the internets) and Green was the king of strange contradictions, where good teams were bad and shitty teams did wonderful.
SENIOR PLAYER: Tackle Willie Anderson was a first round pick in 1996, and by the end of the year, could have played in more games as a Bengal than any other player ever.
THE RUDY: Punter Kyle Larsen came as a college free agent out of Nebraska in 2004.
FORMER HURRICANE: No Hurricanes, but they do have Miami of Ohio alum John Busing as a back-up safety/special teamerist.
VIRGINIA BOY: Linebacker Ahmad Brooks was high school player of the year when he came to UVA, and was supposed to make them a defensive juggernaut in the ACC. He ended up getting booted off the team after all sorts of shady, egotistic actions. He was taken in the supplemental draft one year, which usually only entailed NFL Europe players back then, and he's worked his way into the starting lineup. But he's not really been what he could be, and probably never will be. His pops was former Redskin, Perry Brooks.
WILD SAMOAN: Dane Uperesa is a 300-plus pound offensive lineman from Hawaii with a vowel-heavy surname, so I can only assume he is descended from the island kings of the Pacific.
THE ICKY: Frostee Rucker is a great ass name, almost as good as Icky Woods. If Frostee could start doing a wacky dance whenever he got a sack (which is rare), I might would change this category to The Frostee.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: T.J. Houshmanzadeh imported Afghani rugs through California ports and sold them for dollars on the penny to gold and oil barons spending newly mined money like mad.
FANTASY JERSEY: I'd love one of those ugly ass orange tiger stripe sleeved jerseys with #84 HOUSHMANZADEH barely fitting across the back. I'd probably make it misspelled by one letter too, just to see if anybody noticed.
